Brockmire (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Comeback Player of the Year - full transcript
Jules agrees to help Jim save baseball and learns how much Jim has changed since they've been out of touch.
[laughter]
- You're being outsmarted by
a lock.
- [chuckles]
- Hey, let's just screw
in an alley as usual.
Come on.
- No!
Remember last time,
the raccoons got so angry.
- Oh, they're just jealous.
- Ta-da!
Hey!
Ow!
- Oh, shit.
You all right?
- What happened to holding
a door open for a lady?
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
You know what?
No, I'll make it up to you
in other--other ways.
Oh, the hair flip.
- [chuckles]
- Mmm.
[both moaning]
[both yell]
Ow.
You all right?
Oh, boy.
Ooh, my.
Oh, you are very wet,
young lady.
- Well,
I--you pissed yourself.
- Oh man, Jim Brockmire.
Well, a lot got on you.
Hey, twinsies!
We're piss twins!
- Stop talking.
- [chuckles]
[soft acoustic]
- Now, uh, there's nothing
to be scared of.
No one's in trouble.
Now these affirm that
you are no longer involved
in a sexual relationship.
And should you
change your mind,
here are forms that you must
turn in simultaneously,
letting the league know
that you have re-entered
a relationship.
- That won't be necessary.
- Yeah, no.
Those days are long over.
- Great.
Uh, lastly, all I need are
the declarations
that I asked you to prepare
regarding the length
of the relationship.
- Oh, boy.
I think I misunderstood
the assignment.
- All we require is
a short statement
as--as--as Ms. James wrote.
Uh, "Jim and I dated
for five months
in the spring and summer
of 2017."
- Right.
- I--you gave it a title?
- I did.
- "Jim and Jules:
The Fuck Year"?
- Yeah.
Well, I was gonna call it
"Mein Rump,"
but, uh, decided against
that one for obvious reasons.
My hatred of puns.
- You were blacked out when we
got kicked out of Waffle House.
- Yeah, no, I pieced that
one together
using primary sources.
You know, it turns out
that back then,
having public sex
in a diner booth
was considered regional news.
Yeah?
Simpler times.
- Well, I guess this tome
very comprehensively
fulfills the requirement.
I just need to go make a copy.
This may take a while.
- Yeah, sorry.
It's quite heavy,
so be careful.
My only copy.
[chuckles]
- [chuckles]
I can't believe you're
still obsessed with me.
- What?
- This job is all a ruse
for us to start dating again?
- We're not talking
about dating.
Haven't thought about dating
since I became a single parent.
- Then why am I here?
- Because you're the very best
at what you do, Jules.
Every year,
the most exciting baseball team
was whichever one
you were selling,
except now I need you to sell
all of baseball
'cause if we don't,
this sport's gonna die
like an old white man
in an armchair.
No one will notice
and no one will care.
- For the record,
saving baseball is
the only reason I'm here.
- No, agreed.
That's all I want.
Really.
I mean, I'm nothing
if not professional.
- You drew pornographic
diagrams of us having sex
and submitted them to HR.
- That was for my own
edification
because the physics described
in the Waffle House booth
just seemed impossible to me.
♪
[thudding]
Jesus.
Looking good.
What'd you do,
sleep in my office?
- Sleep?
[scoffs]
I pulled an all-nighter.
I thought about getting
some coke,
but I just pounded
coffee instead.
So now my stomach's a mess
and I'm pissing on stuff.
- I'm glad your instinct was
to not do coke at work, Jules.
- Say I wanted to do
some coke after work.
Which one of these office
jockeys can make that happen?
- How about you just pitch me
some baseball ideas, huh?
- Oh, God.
My stomach.
[sharp exhale]
[sighs]
Okay.
You ready?
Here's how we get fans
back to baseball.
First, shorten the game.
- Oh yes, please.
I've been trying to get
the game down to three hours
for years now.
- Keep going.
Make it two-thirty.
Robot umps,
shorten the pitch clock.
- I love that.
- Plus we make a rule
that only four pitchers
can be active on each team,
thereby eliminating
bull-penning.
- That's genius.
I never even heard
of that one before.
- And here's the humdinger.
We increase access to players
during the game
through body cams, microphones,
live-streaming.
We turn the players into stars
by making the game
a living, breathing,
visceral viewing experience
where the fans are actually
in control.
- Oh, my God.
That's fantastic.
- I know, I know!
Right?
- Great dreaming out loud
session,
but, uh, we should probably
get back to work now.
- What's wrong with my ideas?
Sure, they would take
a little financial investment
at the top, but--
- Ding, ding, ding.
We have a winner.
These guys aren't gonna spend a
dime to try to save this game.
I mean, you remember 'em from
when you used to work for 'em.
They're not like us,
these owners.
They're--
- Aliens from Planet Money.
- Exactly.
They have absolutely no idea
why the average person
likes or dislikes baseball.
The only time they
ever speak to one
is when the help talks back.
They're never, ever gonna agree
to anything substantial.
Believe me.
- Then we need new owners.
I'm gonna have to pull another
all-nighter,
and I can't have
anymore coffee, so...
- Liz seems to enjoy
the nightlife,
but please,
not in front of the interns!
Please!
Very impressionable.
[sighs]
[clamoring]
- Ladies and gentlemen.
[clamoring]
Ladies and gentlemen!
[clamoring stops]
And by that,
I mean gentlemen.
[chuckles]
I have an announcement.
- Who'd you kill this time?
[laughter]
- All right, all right.
Let's--let's listen
to what she has to say, huh?
- I know that owning
a major league team
has been frustrating lately,
what with the value
of your clubs decreasing
for the first time in history.
- My brother pays convicts
a dollar a day
to kill themselves
on an NFL field.
Now, why can't we just
force people to play baseball?
- A dollar a day?
He's spending too much.
- Probably, yeah.
[laughter]
- Buying a team was
the worst business decision
I've ever made,
worse than buying NBC.
Does anybody want NBC?
I--I've paid down
a lot of the debt...
- Actually, Leslie,
you're the reason
we're all gathered
here today.
I have an offer for your team,
and it's way above
asking price.
$1.5 billion.
- I'll take it.
I'll take it right now.
Thank you.
- Whoa, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, please.
I mean, we still gotta do
our due diligence
and vet this buyer, right?
I mean, I got no idea
where his income comes from.
- That's gonna be tough.
It's a very mysterious offer.
Could be the Saudis,
could be the Russians,
maybe a cartel.
Who else can make
an all-cash offer?
- Uh...
- I know you're new here,
but these are all
men of integrity.
I mean, well, no one's
so desperate for cash
that they're just gonna abandon
all of their moral obligations.
- I have something difficult
to admit to everyone here.
- Did you find out
you were a Jew?
- No, something worse.
This year,
I fell out of the "Forbes" list
of richest men in America.
- Oh, my God.
- They wouldn't even let me
into the party.
The 17-year-old Hungarian model
I was with, she laughed at me.
I might have to sell
my son's zoo.
They say he's on the spectrum.
I just want to give him room
to run.
- How much do you want
for the zoo?
I'll make the kid run.
- I'm pounding my desk
at home!
Can you hear me?
That's my cell pound!
Sell it, Leslie!
- I agree.
None of us should have
to endure the indignities
you've just described.
A laughing woman?
- Good man.
- Yeah.
All right.
- Uh, Jules,
you seem lost in thought.
- No, I just...
if I can get $1.5 billion
for Leslie's mid-market team,
I was just imagining what I
could get for other teams.
I know--I know it's not
up to me.
- Everybody here knows
I'm a righteous man.
When I ran over
the neighborhood boy,
I called my son-in-law,
I had him call my lawyer,
and said, "I want this handled
in the most honorable way,
so that there can be
no splash-back on me."
- Of course.
Good, good.
- So if selling my team
opens the money door
for my fellow owners,
I'm willing to make
the sacrifice.
- Sell the team.
all: Sell the team.
Sell the team.
Sell the team.
Sell the team!
Sell the team!
Sell the team!
Sell the team!
- Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
very exciting day for baseball
as we announce the sale of one
of our most beloved teams.
And I introduce to you
the newest voting member
in our group of owners,
Chief Sango Whitehorse.
Chief?
[applause,
camera shutters click]
- Thank you, Jim Brockmire.
As you all know,
many Native nations
have done very well
from Americans spending
their Depression money
in our casinos.
But we do not wish
to watch the country rot
from our gilded
reservation towers.
No!
So a coalition of tribes has
decided to reinvest our income
back into the great
American institution
of baseball.
- Hear, hear!
[applause]
- A place that for too long
has been a bastion
of unchecked racism towards
the native peoples.
[camera shutters click]
Till today.
I am proud to announce
that from now on
the Cleveland Indians
will now be now be known
as the Cleveland Colonizers.
[murmuring]
- Easy now, because
we haven't even gotten
to the really
offensive part yet.
- Now with a new name,
well, we needed a new logo.
To show our vision,
we've partnered
with a true visionary.
So please welcome
mogul designer,
mayor of Tallahassee,
and owner of the Lakers,
Sir Lil Diazepam.
- Yeah.
[applause]
Reveal it.
Go ahead.
[gasping]
- That's right, folks.
That's a cartoon white man
licking the blood off
a bayonet.
And now you can feel free to
get as offended as you like.
[clamoring, scattered applause]
- Nicely done.
Nicely done.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Would you look at this?
I can't believe this.
We actually have people talking
about baseball again.
God, this is fun.
I mean, not so much fun
that you should be
double-fisting at 10:00 a.m.
- No, no, I was just deciding
which one to drink.
- Right.
- Both.
- Uh-huh.
- [giggles]
I forgot how good
a team we make.
- [chuckles]
- We rope-a-doped
those owners together.
Surprised they weren't
more upset we tricked them.
- They're pretty upset.
You know,
I had to talk them down,
but we're all good now.
In fact, they wanted me to tell
you to keep up the good work.
- We got away with it!
- It kind of feels like
the old Morristown days,
doesn't it?
- And this is only part one.
First, we rattle the cages,
get the old owners scared,
Next, we bring in new owners,
only on the condition that they
agree to back all our changes.
Boom!
We got our voters' bloc.
I've already got five
new buyers lined up.
- Really?
How did you do that?
- By showing them
you could come in
and change a team name,
and--and get a ton
of media attention.
And I've got offers
on the Padres, Mariners, Rays.
Bill Magorium wants to buy
the Yankees.
- What is Magorium
like in person?
- Damp.
- Right.
Oh, I anticipated
this little problem.
So I took the liberty
of procuring you a backup.
- One bottle?
You know me better than that.
- That's true, I do.
My apologizes,
but, uh, well,
I promise to make it up
to you in other ways.
- Oh yeah?
- Mm.
Oh.
Oh, Ju--
oh, okay.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my goodness.
Whoa!
HR!
- Oh yeah,
you are no fun sober.
- No, it's not sobriety,
Jules.
We happen to be
at the office,
and sex with you comes with
some complications for me.
- All right,
save your speech.
I just wanna make a stop
in Bonetown;
I don't want to live there.
- Well, I would.
That's the problem.
See, you know,
there's nothing casual for me
about casual sex with you.
I--Jules, I'd get attached
and you wouldn't,
and that's fine, but you know,
you're building something here.
I don't want to mess that up.
- Boo!
- I've screwed up your life
too many times.
- I'm already over
this conversation.
You're so sober!
- You know, I like to think
that I've changed
in some other ways
since we were together.
- You got boring.
- Jules, my boyfriend
just dropped off
the eight-ball you ordered.
For your billiard table.
- Oh, very nice, Liz.
Very subtle.
Liz, everybody!
No clue she's referring
to drugs in the office.
- It's a good thing
you're here.
For a long time,
I was embarrassed
to work in baseball.
You know, my mom even called
to see if she could get herself
a Colonizer jersey?
- A good idea always has legs.
Classic Jim to go in
and take all the credit.
Now the owners think he...
I would've liked a pat
on the back, at least.
- Oh, you were not gonna get
a pat on the back from them.
They hate you.
- What?
[clamoring]
- Gentlemen?
Gentlemen, hello.
- She tricked us!
I want her burned!
- Leslie,
I understand you're angry,
but let's remember
that we're all gentlemen.
I say we take her up
in a zeppelin,
give her a nice dinner,
show her the view,
and then durst her ass!
- Yes!
- Easy, easy.
Please, I understand
you're very consternated.
Allow me to place your concerns
in their proper perspective.
You are all getting hammered
to the point of desperation,
and in that desperation,
you turned to a man that you
fully didn't understand.
Christopher Nolan
wrote those words,
because only a mind as depraved
and annoying and weird as his
could understand
a true agent of chaos,
like myself.
In other words,
if you fire Jules,
I will destroy
your whole world!
- World!
Or something like that.
- Are you saying Jim
went to bat for me?
- You could say that.
- I can't decide who's dumber.
You, you, or you!
Your family is nothing but
100 years of war profiteering,
and 200 years
of cousin fucking!
You strangled that stripper,
Freddie.
You know you did.
Sure,
it was international waters.
Whoo!
Your dad's your Uncle Steve
and your mom's your Aunt Susan.
Your third wife is technically
your grandson, Leslie!
I'm drawing a mustache
on your mustache.
She's your wife,
your grandson,
your wife,
your grandson.
You made your four-year-old
daughter get lipo!
Idiot!
You killed
the last dolphin, Leslie.
You paid to murder
the last dolphin!
You paid for the privilege!
So gentlemen,
in conclusion,
you either keep Jules on
or I walk.
Along with all your secrets,
nothing but time on my hands,
and the ability
to attract attention
like perhaps nobody else
in American history.
I mean, the choice is yours,
really.
You either let Jules
make you all a lot of money,
or I burn your beds down while
you're still sleeping in them.
[chuckles]
Oh, one more thing.
[zip, urinates]
- Oh, Jim!
- Oh, no!
- No, no.
- Psssh!
Just super-soaked Freddie
with all the liquids
inside of his body.
The guy was drenched.
I think in a show of dominance,
and it worked
'cause Freddie just took it.
- What do I look like?
A cake magician?
- [clears throat]
- Ooh, there's cake?
- Mm-hmm.
There's a ton left too.
[suspenseful music]
♪
[sniffs]
[sighs]
- Hey, you going uptown?
I'll, uh, I'll give you a ride.
- Why'd you write,
"Letting Jules go
"was the hardest thing
I ever had to do,
but seeing her happy made
all my pain worth it"?
- Oh, because first drafts
are always so on-the-nose,
and I'm sorry if reading
that stupid thing
made you relive everything.
- What are you doing right now?
- What--what do you mean?
- You--you--you were
never nice to me.
The whole time we were dating,
you--you were fun
and interesting and dangerous,
but never kind.
- Yeah, I know.
- And now you're sticking up
for me
and--and writing
romantic epics?
- Well, it's really more
of a pornographic memoir
in the style
of Henry Miller, but..
- What happened to
the Jim Brockmire
who crawled out of my bed
just to stab me in the back?
- Well, I guess that back then,
I just didn't have the strength
to own my own feelings,
so I tried to drown them all
in alcohol.
The kindest path is always
the hardest one to walk.
It really was Beth, you know?
Raising her gave me
the strength
to reach out to the world
with love.
- I didn't know...
that you'd ever be capable
of being this kind of man.
- Well,
I know what's coming next.
"I find it so boring that
I'm dry as a handblower,
"and Jim and I are never, ever,
ever getting back
together again."
Any-hoodles,
would you like a ride?
[anticipatory music]
♪
Is that a no?
♪
No idea what just happened.
- Lamon, do I love Jim again?
- Yes.
- Shit!
- I know.
- I have to go to him.
- There's no rush.
You'll see him tomorrow.
- No, when you realize
you love someone,
you have to go tell them
right away.
If you don't tell them
right away,
then you've wasted
all this time
that you could've been spending
with the person you love.
- I just feel like
you've done a lot of cocaine.
- This is not
the cocaine talking.
Why do you always think
it's the cocaine?
I have to go see Jim!
By the way, set a reminder
for me buy more cocaine.
- Do you really want to wear
that hat?
- Can you see me?
- Depends on your definition
of "see."
[upbeat music]
♪
- ♪ People say we're crazy
♪ Though we can have it all
♪ But the higher
the monkey climbs ♪
♪ The farther it falls
♪ People say we're not one
- ♪ Whoa, whoa
- ♪ And we're making up
the rules ♪
- ♪ Whoa
- ♪ But we're tearing up
the mountain ♪
- ♪ Whoa, whoa
- ♪ And taking in the views
- ♪ Whoa
all: ♪ Go
- ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
[door opens]
- Oh, Jules.
Hi!
Jim said you two were working
together again.
We just had sex,
so he's a little tuckered out,
but I'll see
if I can razz him.
Oh, my God.
Are you here to say
you're in love with him?
I've always had my fingers
crossed for you two!
[squeals]
Jim!
Jules is here!
Jim, wake up!
Jim!
Come on!
[chuckles, squeals]
- You're being outsmarted by
a lock.
- [chuckles]
- Hey, let's just screw
in an alley as usual.
Come on.
- No!
Remember last time,
the raccoons got so angry.
- Oh, they're just jealous.
- Ta-da!
Hey!
Ow!
- Oh, shit.
You all right?
- What happened to holding
a door open for a lady?
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
You know what?
No, I'll make it up to you
in other--other ways.
Oh, the hair flip.
- [chuckles]
- Mmm.
[both moaning]
[both yell]
Ow.
You all right?
Oh, boy.
Ooh, my.
Oh, you are very wet,
young lady.
- Well,
I--you pissed yourself.
- Oh man, Jim Brockmire.
Well, a lot got on you.
Hey, twinsies!
We're piss twins!
- Stop talking.
- [chuckles]
[soft acoustic]
- Now, uh, there's nothing
to be scared of.
No one's in trouble.
Now these affirm that
you are no longer involved
in a sexual relationship.
And should you
change your mind,
here are forms that you must
turn in simultaneously,
letting the league know
that you have re-entered
a relationship.
- That won't be necessary.
- Yeah, no.
Those days are long over.
- Great.
Uh, lastly, all I need are
the declarations
that I asked you to prepare
regarding the length
of the relationship.
- Oh, boy.
I think I misunderstood
the assignment.
- All we require is
a short statement
as--as--as Ms. James wrote.
Uh, "Jim and I dated
for five months
in the spring and summer
of 2017."
- Right.
- I--you gave it a title?
- I did.
- "Jim and Jules:
The Fuck Year"?
- Yeah.
Well, I was gonna call it
"Mein Rump,"
but, uh, decided against
that one for obvious reasons.
My hatred of puns.
- You were blacked out when we
got kicked out of Waffle House.
- Yeah, no, I pieced that
one together
using primary sources.
You know, it turns out
that back then,
having public sex
in a diner booth
was considered regional news.
Yeah?
Simpler times.
- Well, I guess this tome
very comprehensively
fulfills the requirement.
I just need to go make a copy.
This may take a while.
- Yeah, sorry.
It's quite heavy,
so be careful.
My only copy.
[chuckles]
- [chuckles]
I can't believe you're
still obsessed with me.
- What?
- This job is all a ruse
for us to start dating again?
- We're not talking
about dating.
Haven't thought about dating
since I became a single parent.
- Then why am I here?
- Because you're the very best
at what you do, Jules.
Every year,
the most exciting baseball team
was whichever one
you were selling,
except now I need you to sell
all of baseball
'cause if we don't,
this sport's gonna die
like an old white man
in an armchair.
No one will notice
and no one will care.
- For the record,
saving baseball is
the only reason I'm here.
- No, agreed.
That's all I want.
Really.
I mean, I'm nothing
if not professional.
- You drew pornographic
diagrams of us having sex
and submitted them to HR.
- That was for my own
edification
because the physics described
in the Waffle House booth
just seemed impossible to me.
♪
[thudding]
Jesus.
Looking good.
What'd you do,
sleep in my office?
- Sleep?
[scoffs]
I pulled an all-nighter.
I thought about getting
some coke,
but I just pounded
coffee instead.
So now my stomach's a mess
and I'm pissing on stuff.
- I'm glad your instinct was
to not do coke at work, Jules.
- Say I wanted to do
some coke after work.
Which one of these office
jockeys can make that happen?
- How about you just pitch me
some baseball ideas, huh?
- Oh, God.
My stomach.
[sharp exhale]
[sighs]
Okay.
You ready?
Here's how we get fans
back to baseball.
First, shorten the game.
- Oh yes, please.
I've been trying to get
the game down to three hours
for years now.
- Keep going.
Make it two-thirty.
Robot umps,
shorten the pitch clock.
- I love that.
- Plus we make a rule
that only four pitchers
can be active on each team,
thereby eliminating
bull-penning.
- That's genius.
I never even heard
of that one before.
- And here's the humdinger.
We increase access to players
during the game
through body cams, microphones,
live-streaming.
We turn the players into stars
by making the game
a living, breathing,
visceral viewing experience
where the fans are actually
in control.
- Oh, my God.
That's fantastic.
- I know, I know!
Right?
- Great dreaming out loud
session,
but, uh, we should probably
get back to work now.
- What's wrong with my ideas?
Sure, they would take
a little financial investment
at the top, but--
- Ding, ding, ding.
We have a winner.
These guys aren't gonna spend a
dime to try to save this game.
I mean, you remember 'em from
when you used to work for 'em.
They're not like us,
these owners.
They're--
- Aliens from Planet Money.
- Exactly.
They have absolutely no idea
why the average person
likes or dislikes baseball.
The only time they
ever speak to one
is when the help talks back.
They're never, ever gonna agree
to anything substantial.
Believe me.
- Then we need new owners.
I'm gonna have to pull another
all-nighter,
and I can't have
anymore coffee, so...
- Liz seems to enjoy
the nightlife,
but please,
not in front of the interns!
Please!
Very impressionable.
[sighs]
[clamoring]
- Ladies and gentlemen.
[clamoring]
Ladies and gentlemen!
[clamoring stops]
And by that,
I mean gentlemen.
[chuckles]
I have an announcement.
- Who'd you kill this time?
[laughter]
- All right, all right.
Let's--let's listen
to what she has to say, huh?
- I know that owning
a major league team
has been frustrating lately,
what with the value
of your clubs decreasing
for the first time in history.
- My brother pays convicts
a dollar a day
to kill themselves
on an NFL field.
Now, why can't we just
force people to play baseball?
- A dollar a day?
He's spending too much.
- Probably, yeah.
[laughter]
- Buying a team was
the worst business decision
I've ever made,
worse than buying NBC.
Does anybody want NBC?
I--I've paid down
a lot of the debt...
- Actually, Leslie,
you're the reason
we're all gathered
here today.
I have an offer for your team,
and it's way above
asking price.
$1.5 billion.
- I'll take it.
I'll take it right now.
Thank you.
- Whoa, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, please.
I mean, we still gotta do
our due diligence
and vet this buyer, right?
I mean, I got no idea
where his income comes from.
- That's gonna be tough.
It's a very mysterious offer.
Could be the Saudis,
could be the Russians,
maybe a cartel.
Who else can make
an all-cash offer?
- Uh...
- I know you're new here,
but these are all
men of integrity.
I mean, well, no one's
so desperate for cash
that they're just gonna abandon
all of their moral obligations.
- I have something difficult
to admit to everyone here.
- Did you find out
you were a Jew?
- No, something worse.
This year,
I fell out of the "Forbes" list
of richest men in America.
- Oh, my God.
- They wouldn't even let me
into the party.
The 17-year-old Hungarian model
I was with, she laughed at me.
I might have to sell
my son's zoo.
They say he's on the spectrum.
I just want to give him room
to run.
- How much do you want
for the zoo?
I'll make the kid run.
- I'm pounding my desk
at home!
Can you hear me?
That's my cell pound!
Sell it, Leslie!
- I agree.
None of us should have
to endure the indignities
you've just described.
A laughing woman?
- Good man.
- Yeah.
All right.
- Uh, Jules,
you seem lost in thought.
- No, I just...
if I can get $1.5 billion
for Leslie's mid-market team,
I was just imagining what I
could get for other teams.
I know--I know it's not
up to me.
- Everybody here knows
I'm a righteous man.
When I ran over
the neighborhood boy,
I called my son-in-law,
I had him call my lawyer,
and said, "I want this handled
in the most honorable way,
so that there can be
no splash-back on me."
- Of course.
Good, good.
- So if selling my team
opens the money door
for my fellow owners,
I'm willing to make
the sacrifice.
- Sell the team.
all: Sell the team.
Sell the team.
Sell the team.
Sell the team!
Sell the team!
Sell the team!
Sell the team!
- Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
very exciting day for baseball
as we announce the sale of one
of our most beloved teams.
And I introduce to you
the newest voting member
in our group of owners,
Chief Sango Whitehorse.
Chief?
[applause,
camera shutters click]
- Thank you, Jim Brockmire.
As you all know,
many Native nations
have done very well
from Americans spending
their Depression money
in our casinos.
But we do not wish
to watch the country rot
from our gilded
reservation towers.
No!
So a coalition of tribes has
decided to reinvest our income
back into the great
American institution
of baseball.
- Hear, hear!
[applause]
- A place that for too long
has been a bastion
of unchecked racism towards
the native peoples.
[camera shutters click]
Till today.
I am proud to announce
that from now on
the Cleveland Indians
will now be now be known
as the Cleveland Colonizers.
[murmuring]
- Easy now, because
we haven't even gotten
to the really
offensive part yet.
- Now with a new name,
well, we needed a new logo.
To show our vision,
we've partnered
with a true visionary.
So please welcome
mogul designer,
mayor of Tallahassee,
and owner of the Lakers,
Sir Lil Diazepam.
- Yeah.
[applause]
Reveal it.
Go ahead.
[gasping]
- That's right, folks.
That's a cartoon white man
licking the blood off
a bayonet.
And now you can feel free to
get as offended as you like.
[clamoring, scattered applause]
- Nicely done.
Nicely done.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Would you look at this?
I can't believe this.
We actually have people talking
about baseball again.
God, this is fun.
I mean, not so much fun
that you should be
double-fisting at 10:00 a.m.
- No, no, I was just deciding
which one to drink.
- Right.
- Both.
- Uh-huh.
- [giggles]
I forgot how good
a team we make.
- [chuckles]
- We rope-a-doped
those owners together.
Surprised they weren't
more upset we tricked them.
- They're pretty upset.
You know,
I had to talk them down,
but we're all good now.
In fact, they wanted me to tell
you to keep up the good work.
- We got away with it!
- It kind of feels like
the old Morristown days,
doesn't it?
- And this is only part one.
First, we rattle the cages,
get the old owners scared,
Next, we bring in new owners,
only on the condition that they
agree to back all our changes.
Boom!
We got our voters' bloc.
I've already got five
new buyers lined up.
- Really?
How did you do that?
- By showing them
you could come in
and change a team name,
and--and get a ton
of media attention.
And I've got offers
on the Padres, Mariners, Rays.
Bill Magorium wants to buy
the Yankees.
- What is Magorium
like in person?
- Damp.
- Right.
Oh, I anticipated
this little problem.
So I took the liberty
of procuring you a backup.
- One bottle?
You know me better than that.
- That's true, I do.
My apologizes,
but, uh, well,
I promise to make it up
to you in other ways.
- Oh yeah?
- Mm.
Oh.
Oh, Ju--
oh, okay.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my goodness.
Whoa!
HR!
- Oh yeah,
you are no fun sober.
- No, it's not sobriety,
Jules.
We happen to be
at the office,
and sex with you comes with
some complications for me.
- All right,
save your speech.
I just wanna make a stop
in Bonetown;
I don't want to live there.
- Well, I would.
That's the problem.
See, you know,
there's nothing casual for me
about casual sex with you.
I--Jules, I'd get attached
and you wouldn't,
and that's fine, but you know,
you're building something here.
I don't want to mess that up.
- Boo!
- I've screwed up your life
too many times.
- I'm already over
this conversation.
You're so sober!
- You know, I like to think
that I've changed
in some other ways
since we were together.
- You got boring.
- Jules, my boyfriend
just dropped off
the eight-ball you ordered.
For your billiard table.
- Oh, very nice, Liz.
Very subtle.
Liz, everybody!
No clue she's referring
to drugs in the office.
- It's a good thing
you're here.
For a long time,
I was embarrassed
to work in baseball.
You know, my mom even called
to see if she could get herself
a Colonizer jersey?
- A good idea always has legs.
Classic Jim to go in
and take all the credit.
Now the owners think he...
I would've liked a pat
on the back, at least.
- Oh, you were not gonna get
a pat on the back from them.
They hate you.
- What?
[clamoring]
- Gentlemen?
Gentlemen, hello.
- She tricked us!
I want her burned!
- Leslie,
I understand you're angry,
but let's remember
that we're all gentlemen.
I say we take her up
in a zeppelin,
give her a nice dinner,
show her the view,
and then durst her ass!
- Yes!
- Easy, easy.
Please, I understand
you're very consternated.
Allow me to place your concerns
in their proper perspective.
You are all getting hammered
to the point of desperation,
and in that desperation,
you turned to a man that you
fully didn't understand.
Christopher Nolan
wrote those words,
because only a mind as depraved
and annoying and weird as his
could understand
a true agent of chaos,
like myself.
In other words,
if you fire Jules,
I will destroy
your whole world!
- World!
Or something like that.
- Are you saying Jim
went to bat for me?
- You could say that.
- I can't decide who's dumber.
You, you, or you!
Your family is nothing but
100 years of war profiteering,
and 200 years
of cousin fucking!
You strangled that stripper,
Freddie.
You know you did.
Sure,
it was international waters.
Whoo!
Your dad's your Uncle Steve
and your mom's your Aunt Susan.
Your third wife is technically
your grandson, Leslie!
I'm drawing a mustache
on your mustache.
She's your wife,
your grandson,
your wife,
your grandson.
You made your four-year-old
daughter get lipo!
Idiot!
You killed
the last dolphin, Leslie.
You paid to murder
the last dolphin!
You paid for the privilege!
So gentlemen,
in conclusion,
you either keep Jules on
or I walk.
Along with all your secrets,
nothing but time on my hands,
and the ability
to attract attention
like perhaps nobody else
in American history.
I mean, the choice is yours,
really.
You either let Jules
make you all a lot of money,
or I burn your beds down while
you're still sleeping in them.
[chuckles]
Oh, one more thing.
[zip, urinates]
- Oh, Jim!
- Oh, no!
- No, no.
- Psssh!
Just super-soaked Freddie
with all the liquids
inside of his body.
The guy was drenched.
I think in a show of dominance,
and it worked
'cause Freddie just took it.
- What do I look like?
A cake magician?
- [clears throat]
- Ooh, there's cake?
- Mm-hmm.
There's a ton left too.
[suspenseful music]
♪
[sniffs]
[sighs]
- Hey, you going uptown?
I'll, uh, I'll give you a ride.
- Why'd you write,
"Letting Jules go
"was the hardest thing
I ever had to do,
but seeing her happy made
all my pain worth it"?
- Oh, because first drafts
are always so on-the-nose,
and I'm sorry if reading
that stupid thing
made you relive everything.
- What are you doing right now?
- What--what do you mean?
- You--you--you were
never nice to me.
The whole time we were dating,
you--you were fun
and interesting and dangerous,
but never kind.
- Yeah, I know.
- And now you're sticking up
for me
and--and writing
romantic epics?
- Well, it's really more
of a pornographic memoir
in the style
of Henry Miller, but..
- What happened to
the Jim Brockmire
who crawled out of my bed
just to stab me in the back?
- Well, I guess that back then,
I just didn't have the strength
to own my own feelings,
so I tried to drown them all
in alcohol.
The kindest path is always
the hardest one to walk.
It really was Beth, you know?
Raising her gave me
the strength
to reach out to the world
with love.
- I didn't know...
that you'd ever be capable
of being this kind of man.
- Well,
I know what's coming next.
"I find it so boring that
I'm dry as a handblower,
"and Jim and I are never, ever,
ever getting back
together again."
Any-hoodles,
would you like a ride?
[anticipatory music]
♪
Is that a no?
♪
No idea what just happened.
- Lamon, do I love Jim again?
- Yes.
- Shit!
- I know.
- I have to go to him.
- There's no rush.
You'll see him tomorrow.
- No, when you realize
you love someone,
you have to go tell them
right away.
If you don't tell them
right away,
then you've wasted
all this time
that you could've been spending
with the person you love.
- I just feel like
you've done a lot of cocaine.
- This is not
the cocaine talking.
Why do you always think
it's the cocaine?
I have to go see Jim!
By the way, set a reminder
for me buy more cocaine.
- Do you really want to wear
that hat?
- Can you see me?
- Depends on your definition
of "see."
[upbeat music]
♪
- ♪ People say we're crazy
♪ Though we can have it all
♪ But the higher
the monkey climbs ♪
♪ The farther it falls
♪ People say we're not one
- ♪ Whoa, whoa
- ♪ And we're making up
the rules ♪
- ♪ Whoa
- ♪ But we're tearing up
the mountain ♪
- ♪ Whoa, whoa
- ♪ And taking in the views
- ♪ Whoa
all: ♪ Go
- ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
[door opens]
- Oh, Jules.
Hi!
Jim said you two were working
together again.
We just had sex,
so he's a little tuckered out,
but I'll see
if I can razz him.
Oh, my God.
Are you here to say
you're in love with him?
I've always had my fingers
crossed for you two!
[squeals]
Jim!
Jules is here!
Jim, wake up!
Jim!
Come on!
[chuckles, squeals]