Brockmire (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Low and Away - full transcript

Previously, on
"Brockmire"...

I know how to get people
come to basball game.

Once I prove it,
you wanna higher...

something company
Jules James promotion.

Food shortage riots have hit
Georgia and South Carolina

as hungry moms sweep through
the streets looking for food.

The owners will never let me
enact any real change.

Since when do you need
permission for anything?

Just follow your instincts
and make

a lot of noise
when you do.

- I'm dating George Breath.
- Seriously.



Hey, guys. It's Jules James
coming at you live from Philly

on the Fourth of Jul-y,

and we are here at another
Jules James promotion sellout,

and I'm working
with the Goat.

That's right, world-famous
escape artist,

the Great Tomas is here!

Now, people have tried
for years

to get him to
come out of retirement,

but nobody can say
no to Jules, right?

- Right.
- Last time we saw you,

you were locked in a safe
tied to a railroad track

right before two
freight trains collided.

Tell us what
you have planned today.

First I'd like to dedicate
today to my late wife



and to all the other survivors

still trying to get
out of Scottsdale.

Yeah, super sad, which is why
today's uplifting stunt

is gonna be just
what this country needs.

Take us through it.

Um, well,
to start things off,

the gospel choir from the
Triumphant Heart Baptist Church

will be singing
"America the Beautiful."

USA, USA, right? USA.
And then what?

I... I will be trapped in a box
surrounded by

fireworks...

Which will explode
just as the song crescendos.

All on our nation's birthday.

Well, Tommy,
see you on the flip side?

Good-bye, everybody.

How about that, fam?

Now, don't forget to swipe up
so you can see

my entire calendar
for the rest of the season.

I'm once again doing this
for all 30 teams.

Happy Fourth.

There's my superstar.

Happiness?

Amazing, just amazing, Jules.

We're sold out again.

Every other game today

is getting interrupted
to carry this.

Philadelphia,
please give a warm welcome

to the Triumphant
Heart Gospel Choir.

They will be singing
"America the Beautiful."

This song is dedicated to all
the deceased in Scottsdale

and The Disputed Lands.

♪ Oh beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves ♪

♪ Of grain ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands
together for the Great Tomas.

Have you considered my offer?

I'd love to have you work
for me full-time.

Freddie, this is
an open relationship.

You're free to see other
promoters, but why would you?

♪ Above the fruited plains ♪

♪ America ♪

♪ America ♪

Getting the kids to do
the honors was a nice touch.

I'm all about the details.

♪ And crown thy good ♪

♪ With brotherhood ♪

♪ From sea to shining sea.

Is that dynamite?

I only get the good shit,
Freddie.

All; Five, four, three,
two, one!

Ahh!

Ahh!

- I hate this song!
- Shit.

I had no inkling
of Tomas' mental state.

I suppose I could have seen
the signs on Twitter.

His last Facebook post

could be interpreted
as a suicide note,

but that's a lot of

Monday-morning quarterbacking
going on.

I have just been trying to hug

as many of the traumatized
as possible,

and to the families
who had to witness this...

It's a sad day for America
and for baseball.

- Ms. James...
- Is it true that the owners

have canceled
all your upcoming promotions?

How could you do this
to baseball?

Anyone who knows me knows
how much I love baseball.

Ms. James,
why do you hate America?

If that's true, then why did
Jim Brockmire have no comment?

Julia...

*BROCKMIRE*
Season 04 Episode 03

Episode Title: "Low and Away"
Aired on: April 01, 2020

Hey there, America.
It's me, your friend,

Gatling Gary,
and I got a problem.

I got too many guns!
How many guns?

Well, I got this gun,
this gun, this gun,

and even go
this little bitch gun!

Look at it.
I got too many guns!

But that's not all we got.

Are you tired of your
armor-piercing rounds

not piercing the armor
of all those

ATF tanks that are coming
on your property?

We got Uncle Uriah's
uranium super bullets!

They will
a mother up!

We got flak jackets,
custom-tailored flak jackets

for formal occasions,
weddings, funerals,

outlawed gay wedding,
cock fights,

gangbangs,
bar mitzvahs, and, of course,

we got all the above
in kids' sizes!

And we've got water-siphoning
kits, chemical toilets,

lime for body disposal,

erectile dysfunction
injections.

We've got it all!
But what do I really got?

I got too many guns!

If you don't come down
and buy some of these guns,

I'm gonna blow my brains out!
I'm not kidding!

I'm gonna do it in front
of my kids, so come on down!

Gatling Gary's Guns not
responsible for any crime

committed
with Gatling Gary's gun.

Gun companies are not
responsible for Gatling Gary

actually blowing his brains
out in front of his family.

Content fatigue, it's real,
and it's a problem.

Millions suffer
from the anxiety,

inability to focus,
and irritability brought on

by mild to moderate CF.

Sure, we could just watch...

Carol, turn that shit off.

That Charles fella
called again.

I got his number for you.

Won't be needing it.
Just keep telling him I'm busy.

I thought you were dealing
with that rash.

Well, the bus to Canada
doesn't come

through here anymore,
so I haven't been able

to get my swine shingle pills,
but it's fine.

Really? That thing was
covering half your body

before you got on your meds.

I fought my fight.
The rash won.

Tour's here.
I won't be back later.

You'll lock up?
Oh, God.

God, Carol!

Second one this week,

and I'm still standing.

It's fine.

It turns out spraying toxic
chemicals underground

to dissolve shale
into a natural gas

has some unforeseen
consequences,

but the most impressive
consequence of fracking

is our eternal flame here.

Beneath where we stand,

rages of fire
that will outlast all humanity.

'Kay, now time
for the burning of regrets.

Let's line up.

The flame is green
for a reason.

It offers pure catharsis

incinerating whatever it is
you've come to burn,

marriage certificates,
love letters, a bad prom photo,

but please no dead pets.

The fire burns quickly,
but the smell tends to linger.

We do request a $50 donation
to go toward flame upkeep

and the completion
of our visitor's center.

The flame is booked up
for Halloween parties

years into the future,
but the visitor's center

will make this place
a year-round destination.

$100?
Do you have anything to burn?

A whole day, apparently.

This is why you're too busy
to call me back?

Life's been pretty good.

Career is great.

Um, I'm divorcing Denise, though.

Aww, that's a shame.
I really liked her.

Oh, not that Denise.

This... that divorce
was... five years ago?

I'm also paying alimony
to a Patrice.

- I have a type.
- Mm.

No, thank you.

I don't really... oh,
that was for you.

What happened
to white wine?

This yanks the shades down
a little faster.

Well, look, I tried to call,
but you just never answered.

After the whole
Philadelphia thing,

you just kinda disappeared.

How much are you
charging Jim?

Excuse you?

Jim is one of my
oldest friends,

so I'm charging him my friend
rate of $100,000 per day.

- How kind.
- Look, I know it can be scary

to return
to something you failed at.

I didn't fail at baseball.

I failed at saving Morristown.

Who's that?

You here for a drink
or trouble?

'Cause I serve both.

Carol,
wh... are you living here?

'Fraid so.

Copperheads hit my place
a couple weeks back.

They're a roving biker gang
who steal

all the copper piping out
of the buildings around here.

Ripped all the floors open.

Then they had
some kind of yogurt party.

Please tell me
you didn't eat that yogurt.

It's fine.
It was all over my walls.

Of course I ate the yogurt.

Carol, it's not fine.

Ay-yi-yi.

I do have one idea
to help baseball,

a great one, actually,
but it's gonna cost him.

- How much?
- $134,000.

That's a bizarrely
specific number,

but I'm sure Jim
can convince them to do that.

I'll get back to you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Limon, blimp.

Mankind is a virus
infecting the Earth.

Mankind is a virus infecting
the Earth.

What exactly am I
looking at right now?

We do a lot of business
with cults.

It really helps
when tourist season slows down.

Mm.

You work with cults?

Well, I weed out
the suicide-y,

marry young girls-y ones.

These guys are great, no drugs,
and a very upbeat message.

Mankind is a virus
infecting the Earth.

Let's give them some space.

- Mankind is a virus...
- Got my money?

Yeah, the whole amount
should have been wired

to your account.

Mankind is a virus
infecting the Earth.

So it was.

And Jim can't wait for your
big idea to save baseball.

Oh,
I can just tell it to you.

All Jim has to do
is build a time machine

to take everyone back to
when America wasn't

a blighted hellscape
and baseball was still popular.

It's gonna have to be really
big to fit everybody inside.

So you just scammed Jim
out of $134,000?

I just recouped
my legal expenses

from when those asshole owners
sued me,

and I will use that money
to finish my visitor's center.

Anyway, what do you care?

You just bilked him
for $300,000.

5 actually.

Are we bad people
for fleecing our friend?

If he were really our friend,
he would have seen this coming.

Is there a time
when the eternal flame

- goes out for a little bit?
- No, Charles.

That's why it's called
the eternal flame.

Well, it's out right now.

Oh, no. It can't just go out.

It can only relocate.

Do you have too many
payday loans?

Are you feeling crushed by debt

that you just can't keep up
with,

harassed by
predatory collectors?

Well, Permacash
has the solution.

Permacash will give you
the cash advance

your family needs today.

If you're not using
your organs,

why not give them to us,

and we'll give you cold,
hard cash?

And for a limited time
you could take advantage

of our patented pain-free,
no-muss,

no-fuss euthanasia process.

You have a choice of coming to
a Permacash location near you,

or we can send you
a Permacash home donation

and euthanasia kit,
and you can file permanent

bankruptcy in the comfort
of your own home.

You get those predatory
companies off your back,

and your family gets
the quick cash they need.

Why suffer through the effects
of water toxicity,

radiation sickness,
or super cancer?

Let your body go now, before
it's of no use to anybody.

Let it go to a good cause.

So if you're in trouble
and you can't see a way out,

call Permacash,
the last loan you'll ev...

Oh, my bad, sorry.

It seems the years

have not relieved
me of my catlike stealth.

- If you came here to beg me...
- Beg you?

I'm not even
asking you anything.

I mean, work-related, that is.

Jules,
I'm just here as your friend.

- Friend?
- Yeah.

Whenever I need you,
you're always running

in the opposite direction.

No comment?
What the hell was that?

A man had just exploded,
okay?

For the first time in my life,
I was at a loss for words,

and I tried calling you
for months after that.

I don't take calls
from spineless traitors.

I didn't think you needed me
to back you up, Jules.

I mean, after all, you had
George Brett, now, didn't you?

Our marriage was already
falling apart.

He was very judgmental about
the drinking and the drugs.

Plus, he played a lot of golf...

I mean, a lot of golf,
like, a lot.

A lot, Jim.

I don't understand
what's happening.

Are you using golf
as a euphemism?

- No, he played a lot of golf.
- Oh.

He bought bathroom humor
books about golf

and crocheted head
covers for his driver.

He once stopped in the middle
of fucking me to talk

about meeting Brandt Snedeker.

Okay, that sounds like
a lot of golf.

My disgracing baseball
was the final straw for him.

It's just not fair.
You shot yourself

on the national stage way
more times than I ever did.

Why'd you get
five second chances,

and I didn't even get one?

Probably
'cause you're a woman, Jules.

That and people have a hard
time letting go of getting

gallaghered with human flesh,
but you know what?

You don't need five chances.
You just need the one,

and I am here
to give it to you, okay?

I'm here to take you out
of Morristown for your health

and for your safety.

Please just come
with me right now.

I'll take you anywhere
you want to go.

I'm not done here.

Morristown can still rebound.

Are you out of your mind?
Rebound?

It's over.
My God, it was over years ago.

You have to know
when to walk away.

There's life after Morristown.

All right,
the two singles for you,

the double for me, huh?

A win is a win.

I don't care how ugly it is.

It still counts, huh?

- Dad, a word?
- Mm-hmm.

Take a seat.

Well, I'm behind the bar,
sweetheart.

There are no stools here.
What's happening, Jules?

This is the hardest part
about being a daughter,

but it is time
for you to quit baseball.

What?

You just don't
have it anymore.

What are you talking about?
I doubled today.

Yeah, and you barely
caught up

to an 80-mile-an-hour fastball,

which you blooped
into the right field,

where their guy
lost it in the sun.

But a hit is a hit.
Am I right?

Yeah!

A hit that ended
your 0 for 39.

But on the bright side,
you're batting 1,000

at being a dad right now,

and that's where you should
focus your attention,

but as far as baseball goes,

it's over, Dad,
and you know it is.

You've got to walk away.
There's life after baseball.

Ohh...

Well...

it looks like this
is a retirement party!

I'm hanging up the cleats.

Drinks are on me!

Carol, are those my pipes?

I realized you were right.

It's not gonna be fine.

I figure if I give
the Copperheads an offering,

they might jump me in.

Oh, and I also found
your other gun.

Sloppy bitches get stitches.

I'm ready to go now.

Who is the toothless woman
who just held us hostage?

- Fantasy.
- Fantasy.

- Desire.
- Desire.

- Lust.
- Lust.

- You're a man.
- You're a woman.

With needs,
so slip into a realm

where your fantasies, desires,
and lusts all become reality.

Mr. Magorium's
Masturbatorium.

Once you step into your
pleasure pod,

you're in Mr. Magorium's world.

Take the journey to
Mr. Magorium's Masturbatorium.

Once you're in his world,
you won't want to leave.

We'll hate to see you go,
but we love to watch you come.