Broad City (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - House-Sitting - full transcript

You know sometimes a 21 minute
15 second episode of Broad City

isn't enough of the world
of Broad City for me

No, me niether.

Right after this episode you
are gonna get behind the scenes

exclusive footage of how our
show Broad City is made.

It is like a behind the
curtain look at Broad City.

Very informative and
you're gonna dig it.

Stay tuned after the episode
for a behind the scenes look

at the making of Broad City

- I love a good BTS
- Me, too.

- I love a hot BTS
- BTS to the BTS, baby!



- Thank you for house-sitting.
- Thank you.

I'm taking Oliver for
detox in the Hamptons.

Standardized testing has
really stressed him out.

Now here, make sure you
feed the blue macaw,

and make sure the house gets
a lot of positive energy.

I think I can manage that.

Great.

Oliver, our Uber's close.

Times tables! Topic sentences!

Five paragraph essay!
Five paragraph essay!

Oliver, chill, chill, chill.

Standardized testing
does not define you.

Nothing can happen in the global economy

that will ever make you need to work.



Hi, Uber, we're out front!

Whoa! A helicopter?
I thought Uber just had cars.

Uber has cars?

Buh-bye!

Enjoy the Hamptons!

Wow... okay, dude, we're safe.

Ooh.

You know, there's a gate right there.

This is unreal.

Double jumbo capacity washer-dryer,

cleaning 25 pounds of
your dirtiest dog shit

at lightening speed.

Now, mademoiselle, to the tour.

Enter ze master bath.

Italian
marble, Asian marble,

Puerto Rican marble,
every ethnicity of marble.

And the coochie de gras...

Is that a bidet?

You bidet believe it is.

Let's try staccato.

I'm gonna check on my
online dating profiles.

Whew, the water is perfectly warmed

- to accommodate my anus.
- Oh, my God, dude.

My high school English teacher, Mr.
Miller, is on Bumble.

That is unreal!

Oh, also your Bumble thing is hot.

I don't know, I feel like
it's a little creepy.

Hell yeah, sometimes in life
you need creepy, freaky fucks.

Plus, you guys are both adults now.

You must swipe "yas,"
you cannot swipe "nas."

Yeah, you're right,
we are both adults now.

Plus, I always had a thing for him.

Yeah, teachers are the ultimate fantasy.

- Yeah, you know what?
- You're right. I'm doing it.

Oh, my God. Okay, we matched.

Hell yeah, you did, you creepy bitch.

- All right, what do I say?
- Say, um...

I need help studying for my ACTs

and I'm trying to get a 69.

I'm gonna write, "Hey. Long time."

Okay, sent.

Okay, um, he's typing.

He's still typing. Jesus.

Okay, he's... Okay, he wrote,

"I'm in town, do you want
to meet up tonight?"

Is that about the message or the bidet?

Honestly, both.

He should come here.
This place is so adult.

You know, you'll seem older than he is.

That's perfect.

Okay, I'm gonna say that

we're having an adults-only soiree

and that he should stop by. Casual.

Love it.

Gaga, now all that's left is prep.

Sit your sweet ass on this bidet.

I feel like a wine glass
fresh out of the dishwasher.

Now get into it.

So what's going on with you and Lincoln?

It's official now.
He's, like, your boyfriend.

Yeah, you know, it's just that,

um, just trying not to
choke it out with a label.

You know, I'm just like,
it is an essential part

of my character that I'm
just not into labels.

So we're just enjoying the ride.

Yeah, I think that's great.

Oh, dude, it's him.

Okay, he's on his way.

Oh, my God. That was fast.

Yikes. Hot, dude.
Dry that sweet ass and move.

It's wet.

You know what, I think I need
to change into something

a little more casual
like... resort wear?

"Resort wear"? You are naturally rich.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Um, do like...

This is, like, a little more mature.

- Ooh, perfect.
- Great.

- Oh. Jaimé.
- Hi.

- God, you're a princess...
- Thank you.

- In a castle.
- Hey.

- How you holding up, BB?
- Ay, how do you think?

You know, I had an adult circumcision

and I cannot get hard
for two more weeks.

Why can't you get hard?

'Cause his stitches will tear.

- My penis.
- Duh.

Oh, obviously.

You can't just hold books.

You have to actually read them.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Um...

I cannot be around vibrations
in my current state.

- Do you mind if we just...
- Okay.

So... Italian marble,

Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble,

and... the coochie de gras.

A bidet is synonymous with
sex in rich Guatemala.

A boner is inevitable,
I cannot be in here.

- I'm so sorry. I... I...
- Go.

I see. Wow.

Shit, dude, my teacher's here!

Hello, my dear!

Hello, my, um,

my fluid... dude.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, my...

Okay. He's here, he's here.

We got it.

- Hey.
- Hey, Abbi.

Hey, Mr. Miller.

- Richard.
- Richard.

Um, hey, Ilana, Lincoln,

uh, this is a man.

And this is Lincoln,
he is a... a man, as well.

Friend from way back when.

Pal and a confidant.

Former teacher.
He's not my teacher anymore.

We're on a date now.

And this is Lincoln. He is my...

boy... friend?

Yeah. He's my boyfriend.

That's great.

Wow, that took a long time...

to say.

Huh, a taxidermy room.

Oh. Nothing. Hi.

Uh, Jaimé, this is, um...

Richard.

Um... he was my teach guy.

Not anymore. That's why we're on a date.

- I mean, it's not why...
- He used to be your teacher?

And now you're on a date?

Yes.

Ow. Excuse me, I'm gonna...

Ow! Can't... touch. I'm so sorry.

Okay, is it kinda weird
that we're on a date?

I mean, not really.

I mean, we're adults, right?

Yeah, you're right.
I am an adult now. "Supposably."

Supposedly. With a "D."

Sorry. English teacher mode.

It's fine.

Speaking of which, I did love it when

you used to make Tina Palmer
stop saying "like" so much.

She'd never let me sit
at her lunch table

because, "like, I wasn't hot enough."

- What?
- Yeah!

You were so much cuter than her.

I mean, you're not so bad yourself.

I used to think about you like that.

I used to think about you like that too.

I, um...

I have to go piss...

hard.

I'm gonna...

- Hon, do zip me up.
- Of course, m'lady.

Oh, sweetie, let me get that for you.

Your fingers are for two things.

Filling cavities, and filling cavities.

Oh, you!

Mm. My man.

Ilana, I'm gonna be honest 'cause
we're in a relationship now.

I don't think you got this 100% right.

This is... this is horrible.

I promise to improve.
You're my priority now.

Ilana?

I need to talk.

BRB, Abbi's a priority.

- Whoa, love that outfit.
- Thank you.

Okay, I don't know if I
can do this with Richard.

He's, like, really creeping me out.

- Mmm, so hot.
- No, it's not, okay?

He said he thought about me like that.

Like, when I was his student, though.

I mean, you don't think...

that he jerked off to me?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Bitch, durr.

All teachers jerk off to their students.

No, they don't. All teachers do
not jerk off to their students.

Oh, sweet Abbi.

Once students have flowered,
teachers are either fucking them

or jerking off to them.

Respect the ones who only jerk off.
The other ones are in the news.

No, no, no!

Ilana, no.

We can't control our thoughts, dude.

Jerking off is not a crime.

Well, it depends on where you do it.

In the privacy of their own home?

Listen, if Lincoln and
I ever have children...

And believe me, we're not talking
about that for a couple of years...

I hope their teachers
are jerking off to them.

You do?

If it keeps their disgusting hands

off my hot-ass, bl-ewish kids,

then yeah.

I don't know, it still creeps me out.

All right, let's get real.

You ever jerk off to JTT?

Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

Yeah, I mean, all the time.

As he was on "Home Improvement,"

that poreless, olive skin?

Or as he is now, a present day,

31-year-old actor?

Oh, no.

I've been jerking off to a
teenager every other night.

And are you a creep? Are you a criminal?

We're all jerking off to teenagers.

And I'll tell you what,
they're jerking off to us too.

That's the circle of life.

When you say it like that,
it's not creepy at all.

Yes, dude.

Jerking off is all we got.

It literally saves the world.

Thank you.

♪ It's for the look ♪

♪ I don't light it ♪

Love it.

- Oh, sorry, I'm sorry.
- Don't...

Don't even, it's...

I'm a grown man,
so I should have more control

over my pelvic flow, that's all.

No, farts are part of the
total relationship package.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Watch this.

Yes!

Yeah. This is like a breakdance
battle, but not at all.

That was different from the others.

All good. Excuse me one sec.

Hey, Ilana, have some perspective.

You shat yourself at a
party five weeks ago.

Hey, sorry about those
last few things I said.

That sort of came out weird.

It's fine.

If we met right now,
you'd just be, like,

a hot dude who happens to teach.

All right.

This is, um, actually pretty good.

Yes, this is, uh, it's amazing.

Got sort of a full body
with a tannic grip.

Yeah, I... I love...

full bodies with tannic grips.

I love those things with my wine.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, just,

what you said.

I was like, "Yep, mm-hmm, me too."

Yeah.

His and hers casket sheets.

This is amazing...

Oh, I forgot to tell you

we have brunch with Abbi
and Jaimé on Saturday.

Oh, I can't, I already
have golf with Dr. Tims.

Okay, I guess we have to make
a shared Google Calendar now

so we don't double-book all the time.

Sounds like a great idea.
I love Google Calendar.

"Current events..."

It's all good. Ay, Dios mío.

That's not good. Books...

Ay!

Ay, stop it! My stitches!

My stitches! Please! Please!

Ah, hello, Europe.

I really enjoy Monet's
early impressionism.

I mean, I was reading about his process

- in "The New Yorker"...
- Hold on a second.

You read "The New Yorker"?

Yeah, a lot.

Wow, like, the whole thing?

Yeah. Yeah, I usually get through it.

That's so hot. That's, like,

super sexy.

That I can read?

"Pretend like it's day one."

Pretend like it's day one.

Damn, reading is so dope.

Calling Dr. Rice. I have a bad cavity

that needs to get drill...

Wake up!

Okay, so we have to talk about
this whole relationship thing.

- What?
- Think about what we have sacrificed

to enter this sexless fart party.

When was the last time we even had sex?

We had sex an hour ago.

And that's good enough for you?

I... I... I can't.

Told you I have a refractory period.

- Oh, good. Chess pieces.
- There's chess pieces.

Looks like somebody
didn't do her homework.

Wait, what?

Ohh... Yeah.

Um, I didn't.

But, I don't know, is there any...

extra credit I can do
to bring my grade up?

I don't think so.

Looks like you're getting a big,
fat "D" this semester.

Jaimé, don't get hard.

Okay, I gotta hash this out.

Like, are we aiming at forever?

- That seems ridiculous.
- No.

It's cra... I don't wanna
do anything forever.

I like spaghetti, but I don't
wanna die with spaghetti.

I mean, I might, but I don't know yet.

I wanna take this one day at a time,

the same way I take spaghetti.

Yeah, 'cause a lifetime
sounds ominous and scary.

Yeah, 'cause lifetime implies death.

Think about it like this.

Let's say you won a
lifetime supply of Doritos.

- I'm listening.
- At first you'd be psyched,

you got all these Doritos.

Then after a while,

every time you went to
grab a bag of Doritos,

you're like, "Oh, I wanna die."

So this is what I propose.

We do it for a year, short-term.

And then after that year,
we check in with each other.

See how it's going,
like a phone contract.

God, I love that.

'Cause I can do that.

And thank you for all
the food metaphors.

You're welcome.

I was eating spaghetti
and Doritos yesterday.

That's probably why my
farts smell so violent.

Right.

I'm gonna avoid that
combination in the future.

I'd really appreciate that.

Jaimé, be strong.

Penis, be weak. Be weak!

Weak!

Should we be doing this?
You're so young.

I mean, I'm 28.

No, but you're, like, 17, right?

Yeah... I am only 17.

Yeah, like, you don't
even know how to drive.

No, I just got my license.

I mean, it's actually just my permit.

There you are, Abbi.

Hold on. Get off, get off.

- Sorry.
- Okay, um...

Were you just pulling my skin back

so I looked more like a child?

We were roleplaying, right?
Like you're 17.

I was trying to make you look young-ish.

What the fuck?

- Okay, no more!
- Wow! Oh, my...

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Jaimé! Why are you in here right now?

Well, I'm so sorry, okay?

But I was trying to hide
in the children's room

so I wouldn't get hard.

But that, sir, that was just disgusting.

I hope you know that. Disgusting.

Yeah, you know what, Richard?
That was disgusting, for one.

For two, I exfoliate, like,
almost every other day.

And you know what? My skin is radiant.

I don't know that much to be true,
but I know this much to be true.

Abbi, skincare is challenging.

- Oh, my God.
- But we were roleplaying.

All right, well, that's it.

I'm gonna leave you two alone, okay?

But first, I want to thank you.

That image will forever harden my soul

but soften my peepee.

Namaste, you sick, sick man.

Find a reason to leave,
thank you, excuse us.

Look, Abbi, it takes two to Bumble.

- Yeah.
- I'm not your teacher.

- You're not my student.
- Okay.

We're...

- Oh, my Gosh.
- Uh, single file!

Single file? I'm only one person.

Use the buddy system!

All right, roll call.

I think it's... I think we can see

that we're all here, it's fine.

All clear.

Dryer set fire.

It's a Newton Elite.

It's built only to dry satins, silk,

or gold-infused fabrics.

Looks like you guys are drying
cheap cotton and polyester here.

Fire was inevitable.

Thank you, sorry.

Oh, it's Heidi. Okay. Okay, it's okay.

Hey, Heidi.

Yeah, it was a small dryer fire.

Great!

Enjoy the Hamptons,
and I'll talk to you soon.

Um,

she didn't even know
there was a laundry room.

Uh, doesn't affect her in any way.

- Wow.
- That must be nice.

You wanna head back inside?

Um... I don't think so.

Thanks for coming over.
It was... interesting.

- Goodbye, Abbi.
- 'Kay.

Richard, wait.

Do you...

jerk off to your students?

All teachers do.

You kinda have to.

Hey, Abbi, one more thing.

You have to keep reading.

Your brain is a muscle.

If you don't use it regularly...

it goes away.

What a righteous dude.

I get carded almost all the time.

Like, almost every time there's,
like, an age limit, I'm questioned.

I bet... Because people think

I'm... way younger.

Yeah, definitely ten
years ago, I'm sure.

I mean, for sure.

We all started, I mean,
you know, just specifically

Hannibal, Arturo, and us,
none of us had any experience.

We didn't have like TV experience.

We're working on Broad City all year,

but Hannibal and Arturo
are going and acting on

different things and I
really felt their experience

come back to the set and feed the set.

It's good to see everybody,
it's good to see just how

they've grown as actors

as business women, as creators.

They're both directing episodes now.

It's been great to see a progression.

Jaime, be strong.

Penis, be weak.

Be weak!

They're so talented,
both of them in their own

individual ways,
and I hope that we keep writing

to their strengths, but their
strengths keep expanding.

And I feel like I learn
more about how good

they were from directing them.

Okay, so we have to talk about
this whole relationship thing.

- What?
- Think about what

we have sacrificed to enter
this sexless fart party!

People get emotionally
invested with characters.

I've done it before
with a television show.

When somebody break up,
I'd be like they broke up!

I can't believe it,
I want them to get back together.

Hello my dear!

Hello, my um,

my fluid dude!

They never really doubted

that I'd be back and then,
I didn't, but I think

the fans just really
thought I was off the show.

He's my boyfriend.

I'm having sex with a girl
and afterwards she's like

"so you know if you gonna be back?"

And hey, this isn't the time
for that, first of all.

This is not what we're
here for, this is not

a meet and greet,
this is not an interview.

I don't want to talk
storylines with you right now

I just met you four hours ago.