Broad City (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Stories - full transcript
Abbi and Ilana travel through Manhattan to celebrate Abbi's 30th birthday.
♪ Happy 30-birdy ♪
♪ Happy 30... ♪
Happy 30th birthday, Abbi.
Okay, so, today, we are walking from...
Sorry, one second. Nose grease.
This is gonna be
the litty-est story ever.
Happy 30th birthday, Abbi.
Okay, so, today, we are walking from
the tippity-top of Manhattan
to the tippity-bottom of Manhattan.
♪♪
_
It's function, baby. It's fashion, baby.
It's fluid, baby.
I got to fill it up. There's
nothing in there right now.
ABBI: Oh, yeah, dude. I am
so happy that you got these.
ILANA: Phillip Lim
on a Shopbop discount.
$149 at 80% off, okay?
And we're talking only half
a size smaller
than the size I actually wear,
so work it, dawg!
Hold on! Is that the key to my heart?
Yeah, this is the key to your heart.
- What's the other one?
- The key to your ass!
[LAUGHS]
_
- How do you feel, Abbi?
- I feel good.
Bitch, how do you feel?!
- I feel great!
- Yes!
Happy 30th birthday, dawg!
Whoa, Ilana, are you sure
those shoes are okay?
Yes. [LAUGHS]
Dude, I feel more comfortable
in platforms than not.
_
_
_
[BELL CHIMES]
WOMAN: We're being held up here
due to someone jumping
on the tracks to get a photo.
We'll be moving shortly.
Oh, my good God.
I can show you your present right now.
- Ilana, I said no gifts.
- Okay, but it happens
to already be in your phone,
so check your texts.
What is it?
Oh, my God!
Ilana.
What?
_
[FIVE FOR FIGHTING'S
"100 YEARS" PLAYING]
♪♪
♪♪
♪ I'm 15 for a moment ♪
Oh, my gosh!
How long has this been going on?
♪ 22 for a moment ♪
♪ And she feels better than ever ♪
♪ And we're on fire ♪
♪ Making our way back from Mars ♪
♪ 15 there's still time for you ♪
♪ Time to buy and time to lose ♪
♪ 15, there's never a wish
better than this ♪
[LAUGHS]
Ilana, this is like...
♪ Time to buy and time to choose ♪
♪ Hey 15 ♪
♪ There's never a wish
better than this ♪
♪ When you only got
a hundred years to live ♪
♪♪
_
♪ 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 ♪
♪♪
ILANA: Yes, yes, yes, yes!
♪ Looks like we made it ♪
To Inwood! New York City, baby!
Holy shit! There she is,
the birthday girl herself!
[SIREN CHIRPING]
The pigs! [CHUCKLES]
Okay, no, for real, pigs.
Dude, stop it.
Stop.
ILANA: You're beautiful!
♪♪
♪ Shake down, now shit's getting
shook up, used... ♪
She's speechless.
Morris Jumel Mansion, baby.
Beside herself.
This has been here
the whole time, sitting here!
Yeah. [SIZZLE]
Ow. [CHUCKLES]
ILANA: Come on!
What?
Oh, thank you. Uh, it's just
this Onion article.
It's just cracking me up, man.
That's the Times.
♪♪
Wow. She's been practicing
all season for this moment.
♪♪
Wow, since her recovery,
I'm... I'm shocked
at the eleganza she's bringing.
No parents. Her parents divorced her,
gave her over to coaches.
She and her coach
have had a sexual relationship
for many years.
Let's see if she can nail
the triple axel!
Oh! And she nailed it!
Hair braiding!
Hair braiding!
You want your hair braided?
You want your hair braided?
No. Ilana, no.
Come on! She's black.
- She's saying it.
- Hair braiding!
I just don't think that you should...
One braid.
Thank you so much.
ABBI: Beautiful. It's very long.
You know what it is?
A touch of cultural appropriation
sheds light on the matter.
Whoo!
Yeah!
♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪
♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪
♪ Dirty 30, yow! ♪
30, huh? Do you feel different?
You look younger, actually.
Dude, I feel fine.
- I don't know. Whatever.
- No, no, no, no.
You are a-mahz-ing,
fully a-mahz-ing and "sahno" phenomenal.
Come on.
You have two really nice parents
and a great apartment.
Yeah, no, I... [SIGHS] I don't know.
I guess I thought I'd be, like,
married with kids by now.
I guess it's good I have the job
at Anthropologie.
Yes! 'Cause, you know what?
If you had kids,
they'd leave you after 18 years,
but Anthropologie,
you might work there forever.
I mean, I hope not.
Me, too. You're not gonna
work there forever,
but you could if you wanted to
'cause you're so good at your work,
but you're surely gonna
become a famous artist,
so it's not even an issue.
- Okay, let's just keep going.
- Yeah.
♪♪
_
Damn!
- Dude, stop filming.
- I'm sorry, I have to report
that Abbi just got clotheslined
by a metal pole
in the middle of the street.
- [CRASH]
- Whoa!
- Aah!
- Ilana! Oh, my God!
- Ilana!
- Ow, damn it!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I just fully fell down a manhole.
Wait, are you still filming?
_
♪ A girl on girl crumble ♪
(BLEEP) dude! I'm, like, actually hurt!
I don't think I can climb up the ladder
and film at the same time.
I know what to do! Okay!
Ohh. Oh, God. Okay.
_
[GRUNTING]
_
_
♪♪
_
ABBI: Dude, we got to go to a doctor.
ILANA: I'm fine!
Plus we gotta walk
the rest of Manhattan!
_
_
_
Okay, aisle 4.
Hell yeah.
Ilana. Shoot.
- Ilana!
- Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my God.
I miss school only for the supplies.
Oof! Lisa Frank, bitch!
Mogul, bitch! Empire, bitch!
School supplies.
_
_
_
These are good ones.
These are good markers.
♪♪
_
ABBI: Killin' it.
[CLATTER]
[BOI-OI-OI-NG!]
_
♪ Happy birthday, dear Claire ♪
Brrring!
_
_
_
[BELLS CHIMING]
Miss, um, how may I help you today?
ILANA: I don't know, what do you go?
Well, for your lovely feet,
I'm thinking we should
definitely get you
in something a little more comfy.
I think you need something
definitely with arch support.
Cushioning.
Breathable. You got it.
Hi. Thank you so much.
♪ When you give me those ocean eyes ♪
♪♪
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
I can't, like, lea... You know
how they're always like, "Lean,"
and then they lean? Aah.
Yeah, I can't do it.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
♪♪
I'm like, "How many layers
of irony can we go?"
Skechers is selling ugly Skechers.
Please.
ABBI: All right, dude.
What are we even doing?
Are these comfortable or what?
Yeah, no, they're good.
They're good!
Oh...
_
_
_
_
ILANA: Wowee, wowee, what a steal!
I'm buying these for you.
[GASPS] What?
- No!
- Happy my birthday!
I couldn't le...
_
[TING!]
I'll take these, please.
If you open up
a Fresh Kicks credit card,
these will be $9.99.
Please do not film me.
But adults do have
more than one credit card.
I should get the extra credit card.
I should get it. It's not nuts
for me to get another credit card.
_
Okay.
And I'll just do it. I'll just, like...
You'll pay it. Don't need to tell Dad...
tell Dad about it.
_
ABBI: And then I'll get
the funds from my bank account
that'll be sent to you, somehow.
Yeah.
I have two credit cards. [CHUCKLES]
_
_
_
[SLOWLY] Abbi Gary Anna Abrams.
One of you (BLEEP) stole Abbi's
credit card information,
and I think I know the loser
from high school that it is,
and his name rhymes
SchNicholas SchPaley, okay?
Same thing did happen to Obama,
though, so it's kind of hot.
[GIRL SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Ilana. Ilana!
This how no one can go
to a Disney Store.
Is she close by?
No.
I don't know.
Um... Okay, if any of my 213 followers
is in the Midtown Mall,
we just found a dope little girl,
and her parents aren't here.
But she's fine. She's with us, but...
- What's your name?
- Ga da na!
- [GASPS] Gadanna!
- Gadanna!
That is gorgeous!
Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana, Gadanna!
Whoa. Dude, that's good.
_
_
- ♪ Okay ♪
- In the corner.
Mommy, can I go explore over there?
_
Hold on one sec, all right?
_
So, we're going to Security,
but we're riding the escalator,
which is more fun, and it gives
us more time with Gadanna!
- Totally, dude.
- No, I mean, it's insane.
Like...
What, she's 2?
I'm 30.
I mean, I could literally be her mom.
I mean, if I was just
walking around this...
you know, the mall... by myself,
and people saw me shopping with her,
they'd be like,
"That's a mom and her kid."
You're crazy!
Me?!
- I'm crazy now?
- You're crazy!
- No!
- She nut.
Mommy! Mommy. Mom...
[LAUGHING]
_
Oh, Gadanna, you have taught us so much.
Yeah, we're really gonna miss you.
Okay, maybe we could just do,
like, a double-cheek kiss.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Double-cheek kiss. Ready?
- Mwah!
- Mwah!
CHEESE: Excuse me!
What the (BLEEP) are you doing
with my child?
- Mommy?
- Abbi?
College Abbi.
_
_
_
Did you take Bella?
No, we didn't take her.
She was clearly stranded.
You should keep better
track of your kids.
Oh, grow up, Abbi. We're 30.
Why the (BLEEP) are you filming her?
[SLOW-MOTION] Why the (Bleep)
are you filming her?
ILANA: (BLEEP) bitch!
(BLEEP) bitch.
_
_
- Go!
- No!
Go, go, go!
No, dude! You out?
- Yes!
- You can't!
Oh! You can't leave!
So, we just downloaded
that story for evidence,
but now, um, the rest of Manhattan!
- Whoop, whoo-oop!
- No, I mean, what a (BLEEP) bitch.
Like, what a mess. Like, we are
so not pedophiles, dude.
- No!
- I mean, and her name is Cheese?
- Come on.
- But it's not really Cheese.
No, whatever her name is!
Listen, all this girl
wanted to do in college
was, like, ecstasy
and take group showers...
ones that I never even wanted
to be a part of, by the way.
Even if she would have asked me,
I would have never done it.
And now she has a bunch of (BLEEP) kids,
and she thinks she's (BLEEP)
better than me?
- No!
- She thinks she's better than me?
- No!
- Bullshit!
[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
We're coming to ya, men!
Whoo! Ma men!
Oww!
- Whoo!
- Hey.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Hey, happy birthday.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Ilana, what happened?
- Oh, God. Okay, so...
♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
♪ That saved a wretch ♪
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
- What is this?
- Hey!
[LAUGHTER]
Ah, what's up, Bubbie?
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Okay, let's do this quick
before she gets back.
_
Happy birthday, Abbies! I hope you have
the most amazing one.
I love you so much.
I hope the 30s are everything
you expect them to be.
And I'm really happy
it's happening to you before me.
You are older than me.
That's why I say this.
God, dude, I remember my 30s.
All I had was a beeper...
a frickin' beeper.
Nobody had freakin' cellphones,
every two minutes checking your phone.
I'm so happy I didn't grow up...
Cheers, Abbi.
Happy birthday. I'm so
excited to celebrate
this momentous occasion with you.
I feel like this is your year,
so you need to do something with it.
_
♪♪
_
If I know my baby's poop schedule,
she is just about finished.
Look at these. How cute is this?
[SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Okay, here we go.
_
_
_
Thank you guys so much
for all the sweet messages.
- Yay!
- Yay!
I also saw the new butt video.
Okay, the lady doth not protest,
though, so...
They're good... They're good
pants for the... for the butt.
Really good.
_
_
It's crazy we never walked across
the Brooklyn Bridge together.
One day...
MAN: Look at it.
_
[FOGHORN BLOWS]
Dude! This is where the Titanic docked.
Are you joking?
I wasn't. I get... I see now.
I mean, I just... I saw the movie.
I just didn't remember. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHING] This is hard.
Oh, I love you!
Holy shit. [CLEARS THROAT]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [THUMPING]
[SPLASH]
No!
Oh, my God! This sucks!
What are we gonna do? We can't stop now!
- Use my phone.
- Oh, yeah.
Whew.
♪ Bet I'm gon kill it ♪
♪ Sittin' on a sceptre,
bet I'm gon kill it ♪
A little left, yeah.
Lower. Yeah.
Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it.
(BLEEP) you!
Everybody's laughing at you,
you (BLEEP) clown!
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
[THUNDER CRASHING]
_
♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪
♪ Yeah, let me see you
go to town, yeah ♪
♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, if you're down,
boy, really down ♪
♪ Baby, let me watch you go to town ♪
♪ It's your one chance, baby, never or ♪
We did it!
- We did it!
- We walked all of Manhattan,
from the tippity-top
to the tippity-bottom.
Okay, Abbi, so, what's one thing
you did last year
- that you're proud of?
- [WHOOSHING]
- [GASPS]
- What the (Bleep) dude?
- Holy shit!
- Are you kidding me?
If you think that I am
"cuckoo caca insahno,"
then say it to my face.
You're cuckoo caca insahno.
Wait a second. Did you (BLEEP)
follow us down here?
- Yes.
- How?
You posted your location tags.
- Dur. Dur, dur.
- Right.
Running around the city
with your little foibles
and your little mishaps and
your little shenanigans.
Get over yourself!
- Oh, I'm over myself.
- She hates herself.
You're the one with
the perfect (BLEEP) life.
You're always posting photos
of yourself on vacation,
- on beaches and stuff.
- You're rich.
And you're always at cupcake
and pizza parties!
I never get to eat that stuff,
especially not in party format!
And excuse me... four children
and look like this?
- You look unbelievable.
- Yeah.
You are literally woman magic.
So (BLEEP) you.
Thank you.
But... no!
No, I...
I'm struggling.
My tits are down to my knees.
I sleep like 90 minutes a night.
I am floundering!
[HIGH-PITCHED SOBBING]
Okay, okay, okay. Uh, you're Cheese!
You'll always be Cheese to me!
And me, 'cause I don't know
your government name.
It's Lindsey.
- Lindsey.
- Oh, my God. Right.
Thank you, you guys.
Aww! Aww!
God, social media is terrible.
[CHILDREN CRYING, SCREAMING]
Oh (BLEEP) I got to go.
I wish I could hang out, guys.
- Yeah, us, too.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- But next time.
- [CHILD YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
- Jackson,
get back in the (BLEEP) car!
That sucks. To be her.
- Jackson!
- Or Jackson.
Okay, let's just see the damage.
- Dude! God.
- Oh. You know what?
It was already on its way, but...
No, it's, um... Okay, it's not that bad.
- Look at your finger!
- [WHISTLES, CHUCKLES]
It's fine.
I have to get a new phone now.
Just...
[FOGHORN BLOWS]
It's stunning. It's gorgeous.
- Jesus!
- Dude, we don't have a phone.
We don't... We can't record this!
No one's gonna believe
that we even saw this!
I mean...
I guess we could just experience it.
Ew.
That's cuckoo caca insahno,
but the good kind.
- There's a good kind?
- Oh, yeah.
Look at this. Can you believe her?
- Looks pretty perfect.
- You know what, dude?
I think I need to get off social media.
It's over between us.
Okay. Okay.
Dude, me, too. Me, too, dude,
because I don't really remember
any of the day.
Yeah, I mean...
Shit. It feels like
because we were filming it,
it's not even our story anymore.
It's like Stories' stories.
Yes.
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
♪ Happy 30... ♪
Happy 30th birthday, Abbi.
Okay, so, today, we are walking from...
Sorry, one second. Nose grease.
This is gonna be
the litty-est story ever.
Happy 30th birthday, Abbi.
Okay, so, today, we are walking from
the tippity-top of Manhattan
to the tippity-bottom of Manhattan.
♪♪
_
It's function, baby. It's fashion, baby.
It's fluid, baby.
I got to fill it up. There's
nothing in there right now.
ABBI: Oh, yeah, dude. I am
so happy that you got these.
ILANA: Phillip Lim
on a Shopbop discount.
$149 at 80% off, okay?
And we're talking only half
a size smaller
than the size I actually wear,
so work it, dawg!
Hold on! Is that the key to my heart?
Yeah, this is the key to your heart.
- What's the other one?
- The key to your ass!
[LAUGHS]
_
- How do you feel, Abbi?
- I feel good.
Bitch, how do you feel?!
- I feel great!
- Yes!
Happy 30th birthday, dawg!
Whoa, Ilana, are you sure
those shoes are okay?
Yes. [LAUGHS]
Dude, I feel more comfortable
in platforms than not.
_
_
_
[BELL CHIMES]
WOMAN: We're being held up here
due to someone jumping
on the tracks to get a photo.
We'll be moving shortly.
Oh, my good God.
I can show you your present right now.
- Ilana, I said no gifts.
- Okay, but it happens
to already be in your phone,
so check your texts.
What is it?
Oh, my God!
Ilana.
What?
_
[FIVE FOR FIGHTING'S
"100 YEARS" PLAYING]
♪♪
♪♪
♪ I'm 15 for a moment ♪
Oh, my gosh!
How long has this been going on?
♪ 22 for a moment ♪
♪ And she feels better than ever ♪
♪ And we're on fire ♪
♪ Making our way back from Mars ♪
♪ 15 there's still time for you ♪
♪ Time to buy and time to lose ♪
♪ 15, there's never a wish
better than this ♪
[LAUGHS]
Ilana, this is like...
♪ Time to buy and time to choose ♪
♪ Hey 15 ♪
♪ There's never a wish
better than this ♪
♪ When you only got
a hundred years to live ♪
♪♪
_
♪ 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 ♪
♪♪
ILANA: Yes, yes, yes, yes!
♪ Looks like we made it ♪
To Inwood! New York City, baby!
Holy shit! There she is,
the birthday girl herself!
[SIREN CHIRPING]
The pigs! [CHUCKLES]
Okay, no, for real, pigs.
Dude, stop it.
Stop.
ILANA: You're beautiful!
♪♪
♪ Shake down, now shit's getting
shook up, used... ♪
She's speechless.
Morris Jumel Mansion, baby.
Beside herself.
This has been here
the whole time, sitting here!
Yeah. [SIZZLE]
Ow. [CHUCKLES]
ILANA: Come on!
What?
Oh, thank you. Uh, it's just
this Onion article.
It's just cracking me up, man.
That's the Times.
♪♪
Wow. She's been practicing
all season for this moment.
♪♪
Wow, since her recovery,
I'm... I'm shocked
at the eleganza she's bringing.
No parents. Her parents divorced her,
gave her over to coaches.
She and her coach
have had a sexual relationship
for many years.
Let's see if she can nail
the triple axel!
Oh! And she nailed it!
Hair braiding!
Hair braiding!
You want your hair braided?
You want your hair braided?
No. Ilana, no.
Come on! She's black.
- She's saying it.
- Hair braiding!
I just don't think that you should...
One braid.
Thank you so much.
ABBI: Beautiful. It's very long.
You know what it is?
A touch of cultural appropriation
sheds light on the matter.
Whoo!
Yeah!
♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪
♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪
♪ Dirty 30, yow! ♪
30, huh? Do you feel different?
You look younger, actually.
Dude, I feel fine.
- I don't know. Whatever.
- No, no, no, no.
You are a-mahz-ing,
fully a-mahz-ing and "sahno" phenomenal.
Come on.
You have two really nice parents
and a great apartment.
Yeah, no, I... [SIGHS] I don't know.
I guess I thought I'd be, like,
married with kids by now.
I guess it's good I have the job
at Anthropologie.
Yes! 'Cause, you know what?
If you had kids,
they'd leave you after 18 years,
but Anthropologie,
you might work there forever.
I mean, I hope not.
Me, too. You're not gonna
work there forever,
but you could if you wanted to
'cause you're so good at your work,
but you're surely gonna
become a famous artist,
so it's not even an issue.
- Okay, let's just keep going.
- Yeah.
♪♪
_
Damn!
- Dude, stop filming.
- I'm sorry, I have to report
that Abbi just got clotheslined
by a metal pole
in the middle of the street.
- [CRASH]
- Whoa!
- Aah!
- Ilana! Oh, my God!
- Ilana!
- Ow, damn it!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I just fully fell down a manhole.
Wait, are you still filming?
_
♪ A girl on girl crumble ♪
(BLEEP) dude! I'm, like, actually hurt!
I don't think I can climb up the ladder
and film at the same time.
I know what to do! Okay!
Ohh. Oh, God. Okay.
_
[GRUNTING]
_
_
♪♪
_
ABBI: Dude, we got to go to a doctor.
ILANA: I'm fine!
Plus we gotta walk
the rest of Manhattan!
_
_
_
Okay, aisle 4.
Hell yeah.
Ilana. Shoot.
- Ilana!
- Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my God.
I miss school only for the supplies.
Oof! Lisa Frank, bitch!
Mogul, bitch! Empire, bitch!
School supplies.
_
_
_
These are good ones.
These are good markers.
♪♪
_
ABBI: Killin' it.
[CLATTER]
[BOI-OI-OI-NG!]
_
♪ Happy birthday, dear Claire ♪
Brrring!
_
_
_
[BELLS CHIMING]
Miss, um, how may I help you today?
ILANA: I don't know, what do you go?
Well, for your lovely feet,
I'm thinking we should
definitely get you
in something a little more comfy.
I think you need something
definitely with arch support.
Cushioning.
Breathable. You got it.
Hi. Thank you so much.
♪ When you give me those ocean eyes ♪
♪♪
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
I can't, like, lea... You know
how they're always like, "Lean,"
and then they lean? Aah.
Yeah, I can't do it.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
♪♪
I'm like, "How many layers
of irony can we go?"
Skechers is selling ugly Skechers.
Please.
ABBI: All right, dude.
What are we even doing?
Are these comfortable or what?
Yeah, no, they're good.
They're good!
Oh...
_
_
_
_
ILANA: Wowee, wowee, what a steal!
I'm buying these for you.
[GASPS] What?
- No!
- Happy my birthday!
I couldn't le...
_
[TING!]
I'll take these, please.
If you open up
a Fresh Kicks credit card,
these will be $9.99.
Please do not film me.
But adults do have
more than one credit card.
I should get the extra credit card.
I should get it. It's not nuts
for me to get another credit card.
_
Okay.
And I'll just do it. I'll just, like...
You'll pay it. Don't need to tell Dad...
tell Dad about it.
_
ABBI: And then I'll get
the funds from my bank account
that'll be sent to you, somehow.
Yeah.
I have two credit cards. [CHUCKLES]
_
_
_
[SLOWLY] Abbi Gary Anna Abrams.
One of you (BLEEP) stole Abbi's
credit card information,
and I think I know the loser
from high school that it is,
and his name rhymes
SchNicholas SchPaley, okay?
Same thing did happen to Obama,
though, so it's kind of hot.
[GIRL SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Ilana. Ilana!
This how no one can go
to a Disney Store.
Is she close by?
No.
I don't know.
Um... Okay, if any of my 213 followers
is in the Midtown Mall,
we just found a dope little girl,
and her parents aren't here.
But she's fine. She's with us, but...
- What's your name?
- Ga da na!
- [GASPS] Gadanna!
- Gadanna!
That is gorgeous!
Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana, Gadanna!
Whoa. Dude, that's good.
_
_
- ♪ Okay ♪
- In the corner.
Mommy, can I go explore over there?
_
Hold on one sec, all right?
_
So, we're going to Security,
but we're riding the escalator,
which is more fun, and it gives
us more time with Gadanna!
- Totally, dude.
- No, I mean, it's insane.
Like...
What, she's 2?
I'm 30.
I mean, I could literally be her mom.
I mean, if I was just
walking around this...
you know, the mall... by myself,
and people saw me shopping with her,
they'd be like,
"That's a mom and her kid."
You're crazy!
Me?!
- I'm crazy now?
- You're crazy!
- No!
- She nut.
Mommy! Mommy. Mom...
[LAUGHING]
_
Oh, Gadanna, you have taught us so much.
Yeah, we're really gonna miss you.
Okay, maybe we could just do,
like, a double-cheek kiss.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Double-cheek kiss. Ready?
- Mwah!
- Mwah!
CHEESE: Excuse me!
What the (BLEEP) are you doing
with my child?
- Mommy?
- Abbi?
College Abbi.
_
_
_
Did you take Bella?
No, we didn't take her.
She was clearly stranded.
You should keep better
track of your kids.
Oh, grow up, Abbi. We're 30.
Why the (BLEEP) are you filming her?
[SLOW-MOTION] Why the (Bleep)
are you filming her?
ILANA: (BLEEP) bitch!
(BLEEP) bitch.
_
_
- Go!
- No!
Go, go, go!
No, dude! You out?
- Yes!
- You can't!
Oh! You can't leave!
So, we just downloaded
that story for evidence,
but now, um, the rest of Manhattan!
- Whoop, whoo-oop!
- No, I mean, what a (BLEEP) bitch.
Like, what a mess. Like, we are
so not pedophiles, dude.
- No!
- I mean, and her name is Cheese?
- Come on.
- But it's not really Cheese.
No, whatever her name is!
Listen, all this girl
wanted to do in college
was, like, ecstasy
and take group showers...
ones that I never even wanted
to be a part of, by the way.
Even if she would have asked me,
I would have never done it.
And now she has a bunch of (BLEEP) kids,
and she thinks she's (BLEEP)
better than me?
- No!
- She thinks she's better than me?
- No!
- Bullshit!
[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
We're coming to ya, men!
Whoo! Ma men!
Oww!
- Whoo!
- Hey.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Hey, happy birthday.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Ilana, what happened?
- Oh, God. Okay, so...
♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
♪ That saved a wretch ♪
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
- What is this?
- Hey!
[LAUGHTER]
Ah, what's up, Bubbie?
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Okay, let's do this quick
before she gets back.
_
Happy birthday, Abbies! I hope you have
the most amazing one.
I love you so much.
I hope the 30s are everything
you expect them to be.
And I'm really happy
it's happening to you before me.
You are older than me.
That's why I say this.
God, dude, I remember my 30s.
All I had was a beeper...
a frickin' beeper.
Nobody had freakin' cellphones,
every two minutes checking your phone.
I'm so happy I didn't grow up...
Cheers, Abbi.
Happy birthday. I'm so
excited to celebrate
this momentous occasion with you.
I feel like this is your year,
so you need to do something with it.
_
♪♪
_
If I know my baby's poop schedule,
she is just about finished.
Look at these. How cute is this?
[SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Okay, here we go.
_
_
_
Thank you guys so much
for all the sweet messages.
- Yay!
- Yay!
I also saw the new butt video.
Okay, the lady doth not protest,
though, so...
They're good... They're good
pants for the... for the butt.
Really good.
_
_
It's crazy we never walked across
the Brooklyn Bridge together.
One day...
MAN: Look at it.
_
[FOGHORN BLOWS]
Dude! This is where the Titanic docked.
Are you joking?
I wasn't. I get... I see now.
I mean, I just... I saw the movie.
I just didn't remember. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHING] This is hard.
Oh, I love you!
Holy shit. [CLEARS THROAT]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [THUMPING]
[SPLASH]
No!
Oh, my God! This sucks!
What are we gonna do? We can't stop now!
- Use my phone.
- Oh, yeah.
Whew.
♪ Bet I'm gon kill it ♪
♪ Sittin' on a sceptre,
bet I'm gon kill it ♪
A little left, yeah.
Lower. Yeah.
Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it.
(BLEEP) you!
Everybody's laughing at you,
you (BLEEP) clown!
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
[THUNDER CRASHING]
_
♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪
♪ Yeah, let me see you
go to town, yeah ♪
♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, if you're down,
boy, really down ♪
♪ Baby, let me watch you go to town ♪
♪ It's your one chance, baby, never or ♪
We did it!
- We did it!
- We walked all of Manhattan,
from the tippity-top
to the tippity-bottom.
Okay, Abbi, so, what's one thing
you did last year
- that you're proud of?
- [WHOOSHING]
- [GASPS]
- What the (Bleep) dude?
- Holy shit!
- Are you kidding me?
If you think that I am
"cuckoo caca insahno,"
then say it to my face.
You're cuckoo caca insahno.
Wait a second. Did you (BLEEP)
follow us down here?
- Yes.
- How?
You posted your location tags.
- Dur. Dur, dur.
- Right.
Running around the city
with your little foibles
and your little mishaps and
your little shenanigans.
Get over yourself!
- Oh, I'm over myself.
- She hates herself.
You're the one with
the perfect (BLEEP) life.
You're always posting photos
of yourself on vacation,
- on beaches and stuff.
- You're rich.
And you're always at cupcake
and pizza parties!
I never get to eat that stuff,
especially not in party format!
And excuse me... four children
and look like this?
- You look unbelievable.
- Yeah.
You are literally woman magic.
So (BLEEP) you.
Thank you.
But... no!
No, I...
I'm struggling.
My tits are down to my knees.
I sleep like 90 minutes a night.
I am floundering!
[HIGH-PITCHED SOBBING]
Okay, okay, okay. Uh, you're Cheese!
You'll always be Cheese to me!
And me, 'cause I don't know
your government name.
It's Lindsey.
- Lindsey.
- Oh, my God. Right.
Thank you, you guys.
Aww! Aww!
God, social media is terrible.
[CHILDREN CRYING, SCREAMING]
Oh (BLEEP) I got to go.
I wish I could hang out, guys.
- Yeah, us, too.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- But next time.
- [CHILD YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
- Jackson,
get back in the (BLEEP) car!
That sucks. To be her.
- Jackson!
- Or Jackson.
Okay, let's just see the damage.
- Dude! God.
- Oh. You know what?
It was already on its way, but...
No, it's, um... Okay, it's not that bad.
- Look at your finger!
- [WHISTLES, CHUCKLES]
It's fine.
I have to get a new phone now.
Just...
[FOGHORN BLOWS]
It's stunning. It's gorgeous.
- Jesus!
- Dude, we don't have a phone.
We don't... We can't record this!
No one's gonna believe
that we even saw this!
I mean...
I guess we could just experience it.
Ew.
That's cuckoo caca insahno,
but the good kind.
- There's a good kind?
- Oh, yeah.
Look at this. Can you believe her?
- Looks pretty perfect.
- You know what, dude?
I think I need to get off social media.
It's over between us.
Okay. Okay.
Dude, me, too. Me, too, dude,
because I don't really remember
any of the day.
Yeah, I mean...
Shit. It feels like
because we were filming it,
it's not even our story anymore.
It's like Stories' stories.
Yes.
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]