Broad City (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Destination Wedding - full transcript
The girls, along with Lincoln and some old catering co-workers, head to a wedding. While the trip becomes a comedy of errors, Ilana must confront Abbi's past friendships.
I thought we were
all wearing our
old catering uniforms together.
Nobody said that, dude.
You're supposed to
return it when you quit.
Yeah, Ilana, we're not caterers
at Darcy's wedding,
- we're guests.
- I know, Morgan, thanks.
Abbi, can you believe that
Darcy's the first of the
trifecta to get married?
I can... she's been engaged
for like seven years.
Oh, my God, Ilana,
you have to take so many
pictures of us tonight.
Yeah, it will be fun.
I mean, sorry, not of us, of the
trifecta-me, Abbi, and Darcy.
I worked with you guys, too.
I thought we were the quad.
Honestly, Morgan's
boner for you is so big
you can see it from space.
You should just let
her suck it already.
So, now I have the boner?
I thought that
Morgan had the boner.
Oh, my God, Connecticut
is so classy.
God, no it isn't.
Why are we even going there?
Don't be insane, Ilana, I mean
Darcy is marrying the heir to
Jennifer friggin' Convertibles.
It's gonna be so amazing.
I brought all the
essentials-gum, Adderall,
and poppers.
We gotta bring our
A-game, bitches.
There better be good boys there.
I'm the first woman in my family
to be 25 and still single?
This year I had to bring
myself up to minorities,
and still nothing.
Move our asses, bitches!
Got some good momentum.
Come on!
It's so crazy that you're coming
with me to this wedding, right?
No.
It's only our second date.
It's not crazy at all.
Plus I get to see you in
this dress, maybe out of it.
Will!
Okay, chill.
We've got time.
I'm pumped.
I love weddings.
I crush at weddings.
Wait till you see me on
the dance floor.
Um, Ilana, what are we even
doing in Grand Central?
Is there a garage
in here or something?
Where's your mom's car parked?
Uh, Long Island.
Uh, Ilana, what the frick!
You said that we could get
your mom's car for this trip.
I e-mailed you every day for
like two months.
I didn't get any e-mails.
That's why.
Don't worry, dude, chill.
I got us tickets.
Oh, my God, we gotta go.
Come on, we got
a couple minutes!
Uh, Ilana, why is there no 2:10
train to Bridgeport anywhere?
I don't know...
I'm not a conductor.
Ilana, these are
Amtrak tickets, dude.
It only runs outta Penn Station.
Oh, gross.
Alright, let's go, come on.
I-I can't run.
I'm gonna sweat
off my concealer.
Holy (bleep)!
This place really is majestic.
Taxi!
Taxi!
-It's been a whirlwind, right?
-I know.
- Both been having fun.
- Yeah.
- Talked about getting that dog.
- Uh-huh.
But, um, Penn Station. I can't.
It's disgusting.
It's kind of a
deal-breaker for me.
Okay, I'm confused.
Maybe this is one of those
romantic New York City stories
where you meet someone amazing,
and then... tragedy happens.
And they're gone, and
you never see them again,
and you wonder what they did
with their whole life.
- Good luck, kid.
- Taxi's here. Come on!
Okay, everybody in.
Abbi, sit by me.
I don't even know
what just happened.
Okay you sit in the middle, but
I don't wanna sit next to Ilana.
Sure, sit on Morgan's boner.
Guys, I just got dumped.
Abbi, wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Oh, it's just not meant to be.
Oh, my G, my God, you guys remer
Brian O., the head bartender?
He stopped eating
carbs and got totally ripped.
My brother did that-he
doesn't eat carbs-he's jacked.
Anyway, he became a DJ in
Provincetown, then he OD'd.
Dead!
Wow, geez.
Only the good die young, huh?
You know, I'm not
over Amy Winehouse.
It's like we
knew it would happen,
but we didn't do anything
about it.
I didn't "know her" know
her, but I still miss her.
You guys remember Steff?
Yes, the one who used to eat out
of the trash... Ew, right, okay.
So, she worked that retirement
party, married some old dude and
then OD'd a week later at Bryant
Park on the carousel.
Dead!
You remember Ray... (bleep)
Are you okay?
Oh, my gosh, are you all right?
Everybody okay?
Kevin, your nose is bleeding.
Oh, no, this
isn't from the crash.
It happens all the time.
But I need to get outta
here before the cops come.
Everybody out.
Go, go, go!
- Can you take this?
- Yeah.
Whoo! I am hot, too.
I have blotting
sheets if anybody needs.
I could use one.
You might need two, sweetheart.
Oh, my God!
It left us.
It left without us!
What?
No!
No, no.
Oh, my God!
All right, okay!
We gotta go right now!
Come on, let's move it!
Move it!
Move, move, move!
Come on!
No, no, no, no!
Eighth Avenue.
Ilana, come on, move it!
Move it!
Come on!
Abbi, I'm behind you!
So, it's $70
a day to rent a car.
Totally doable.
Do you wanna insure the driver?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Do you want to insure
against other cars?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Potholes?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Weather?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Trees?
- Uh-huh.
God?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Transition insurance for when I
pull the car around... make sure
you get that last
one... I'm a terrible driver.
- Okay.
- Sure.
With all that, it comes to $125.
Okay.
License and credit card, please.
Oh.
You're under 25.
That changes things.
That'll be $1,100.
Oh... we're gonna need
one moment, please.
Thank you so much.
All right, come 'ere, huddle up.
Okay, so, we both know that I'm
25, but what Mary doesn't yet
know is that my
license is expired.
We're gonna need to come up with
a plan in the next 20 seconds
inside this huddle, 'cause
when I created the huddle,
I thought by this
time I'd have a plan.
I don't.
- I'm gonna keep...
- Here's my license and the AMEX
should cover insurance.
This isn't a sugar daddy thing.
This is just an old, established
"guy paying for his younger
friend he has sex
with" kind of thing,
so just get that right out
of your mind, you know?
Well, you're all set.
There's only one vehicle left.
It doesn't have AC,
but it's really spacious.
We'll take it.
Oh... okay.
Gotta love that
transitions insurance.
Man, it's hot in here.
Gotta commend you, I got adult
braces two years ago, and it was
the best decision I ever made.
Check me out.
- Oh, those are nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
But these aren't braces.
They're mouth scaffolding,
just to hold my teeth in.
Mouth scaffolding?
I've never heard of that.
I'm a dentist, and
I haven't heard of that.
I went to Nicaragua for 'em.
They were so reasonable.
Okay, you're dancing
against the truck right now.
You gotta dance with it, girl.
God, this is terrible.
I don't know.
It kinda feels good on my back.
Yeah, I mean
it's actually kinda fun.
Good save, Morgan.
Abbi, do you remember that
holiday party that we thought
that we ran out of cheeseballs,
and then it turned out we had
more cheeseballs in the back?
Yeah, the cheeseballs.
Yeah.
I'm not gettin' married until
everyone can get married.
Why did you look at me
when you said "everyone"?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
You gay, man.
Oh, yeah, I am.
I'm totally gay.
I got it now.
I got what you mean.
Abbi, do you remember
that time the chicken satays
were way underdone?
Do you remember?
I still laugh about it.
This bitch is unraveling.
I am well aware.
What are we laughing about?
I don't know.
God, I can't believe Will
didn't go to Penn Station.
What a little bitch.
It's the most vibrant
place in the city,
and they have really good sushi.
You know what,
I'm fine that he left.
He had a really big penis.
How big, how big, how big?
Like, think
earth, like think earth.
Coke can, plantain big.
Oh, God!
What are those?
Poppers.
What do they do?
They loosen your butthole.
Why you takin' it right now?
'Cause we're going to a wedding.
Hello?
Abbi, this keeps
happening to you.
You're like a magnet
for elephant dongs
God, you know who had
the really big dick?
My brother, Mitchell.
Hold on, Morgan,
did you say something
about your brother's dick?
I didn't mean to say that.
Just forget it.
Delete, delete, delete,
delete, delete, delete.
Everybody okay?
Why would Jesus give
us a flat tire?
Well, he did, Morgan.
God, it is over!
Guys, the Sei Wah bus
runs every half hour.
Ew, disgusting, Ilana.
You're disgusting.
I think that's our only
option right now, so...
Yeah, okay, Abbi,
you're totally right.
I agree with you.
You know, we could ride down.
Ilana, we are in formalwear.
We cannot bike down.
It's 4:00 o'clock.
We're not getting
a cab right now.
This is our best bet.
Totally.
Okay, so to recap-Abbi and I
have decided that we're going to
bike down to the
Sei Wah bus, okay?
- Whoo-hoo!
- Great.
All right, come on on, let's go.
Come on, come on, come on!
- Let's go!
- Abbi, I'm coming!
Lincoln, come on.
I can't.
Someone has to stay
with the truck and call
the rental car company.
I can't leave
you here by yourself.
You can't not go to
a wedding you RSVP'd to.
You have to respect
the sanctity of the RSVP.
I was uncomfortable at the fact
that you were my date
to a wedding... that's
like so legit.
But now that you're
not coming, I'm bummed.
And that makes me uncomfortable
in a different way.
Are you just sayin' that so
I'll do the rest of the dance?
The what?
What's painfully ironic about
this is that I love
weddings the most.
Pump it, pump it!
You guys, if we don't
pick up the pace,
we're gonna miss this 4:30.
Harder, harder!
You are warriors
of change right now.
What are your passions?
Who lights your fire?
Gossip!
Rihanna's instagram.
My brother!
Never mind!
Delete, delete that!
Hey, Kevin, what's up
with your bike, dude?
We're all on city bikes.
What?
I thought we
were all stealing bikes.
I-I-I can't go back to
prison, Ilana!
I can't go...
Whoo!
High on life!
Look at me now, solstice!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Look at me now, New York City!
Whoo!
Okay, so, if we make this bus,
then we'll just miss the
cocktail hour, but we'll
make it time for apps before
the ceremony.
This is the opposite of
the time the trifecta took
the Jitney to the Hamptons.
I never heard about that.
It... it wasn't a big deal.
We just went to the
Hamptons for the weekend.
Darcy's parents
have a timeshare.
That was a really crazy
weekend, huh, Abbi?
I don't know if it's
really worth talking about.
Okay, I think it's very
much worth talking about.
Remember we went
to that club, The Elm?
The Elm, that sounds cool.
It wasn't.
Oh, my God, she doesn't know?
Know what?
Oh, this is gonna be so rich.
Okay, when we
went to the Hamptons,
Darcy and Abbi made out.
It was before I knew you.
Ilana, it's not a big deal.
It's a huge deal.
You said that if you were
ever gonna do same-sex
experimentation,
it was gonna be with me.
I have never said that to you.
It has been implied.
By you.
Well, implications get
responses,
and it takes two to tango.
Oh... okay.
Oh, my God.
Where are we even?
♪ Confess to the nervousness ♪
♪ As we stumble to the close of
the troubled chapter ♪
♪ These notes have been torn ♪
♪ But we don't know
the truth burns through ♪
♪ It's a total disaster ♪
♪ But if you could see
what your eyes reflect ♪
♪ From your soul through the... ♪
♪ If you could look past what
divides is petty ♪
♪ Wondering if you can ♪
♪ Won't you let me,
won't you let me be... ♪
Ilana, there'seats.
I'm gonna sit with somebody
whose yet to shatter my world.
Hello, new friend.
Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm just-I'm listening
to this relaxation mix.
Do you wanna?
All right, sure.
...too shall pass.
You are beautiful, you are
strong, you are supple, Morgan.
What is this?
My brother made if for me.
He's a yoga teacher.
Isn't it helpful?
He's good, right?
Ilana, will you just come
on and sit back here?
No, I will not just
"come on," and you know why.
'Cause you made out with Darcy.
You told him?
Fine.
You know what
else Darcy and I did?
We touched boobs.
We touched boobs,
We touched boobs!
We touched boobs!
We touched boobs!
We touched boobs.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what is this?
It's a fish! Oh, my God!
Get out!
Move, move, move!
I'm getting out!
I'm getting off of this bus!
I hate you all!
It's going down my underwear.
Oh, God!
Ilana, F-you!
You did this to
bring down the trifecta.
Morgan, what are
you talking about?
We don't even hang out anymore.
There's no trifecta.
It's more of like a duo now.
So...
Oh, my God, keep talking.
- I'm legit gonna cry.
- Okay.
- Oh my god.
- Well, fine!
Have fun doing all
your drugs together,
you druggie lesbian dudes!
Go (bleep) your brother, dude.
You smell.
All right, give
me Lincoln's clothes.
-I'll change.
-Okay, I'll block you,
and I'm gonna peek.
No, dude, you're not peeking.
Come on.
Fine, today you can peek.
This one time.
Well, you didn't
get flat tire insurance.
What do you mean I didn't
get flat tire insurance?
I bought every
insurance you offered.
Before I rented you the car, I
went through an itemized list.
If you wanted flat tires
covered, you should have asked
for flat tires.
I'm not a mind-reader.
Listen, Mary, I've
had an awful day.
I was on my way to a wedding, I
wasn't able to make the wedding.
Imagine how disappointed I am.
I shine at weddings.
You can't look the other
way on this?
Look the other way?
Yeah?
You think 'cause you come in
here in your little short-shorts
looking all Idris
Elba that I'm supposed
to like give everything up?
Idris Elba?
Don't act like you don't know.
You look like him.
All right, well,
Mary, where do I sign?
Wait, are we talking
Luther or the Wire?
Oh, I was supposed
to tell you something.
Anything.
Mom called.
She needs your social.
Did you write it down?
No, that's why
I'm telling you now?
Mitchell, what's the
point of telling me now?
I'm just gonna forget it.
Go, you're so much like dad.
I don't know.
I think I'd be Penn.
- I get to be Teller?
- You wanna be Teller?
I'll be whoever you
don't wanna be, you know?
- Oh.
- That's what I mean.
Whoa.
I feel bad.
- I have to tell Darcy we can't come.
- She's fine.
She invited 300 other people.
Great.
They're not coming either.
Let's just do this.
Do you, Darcy...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do, he does, whatever.
You smell good now.
Oh, you smell like Lincoln.
Yeah, I smell
exactly like Lincoln.
I'm gonna grab the N
train around the corner.
Me, too.
- I'm headed that way.
- Okay, cool.
Huh.
We are perfect gentlemen, dude.
We're in tuxes.
- Right, it's like...
- We have to.
Right?
Your call, bud.
- Captain.
- I say we do it.
Let's do it... this day.
Hello, Sir.
Oh, my gosh, thank you.
They've completely remodeled.
This used to be carpet.
Love hardwood floors.
- Ilana?
- What?
all wearing our
old catering uniforms together.
Nobody said that, dude.
You're supposed to
return it when you quit.
Yeah, Ilana, we're not caterers
at Darcy's wedding,
- we're guests.
- I know, Morgan, thanks.
Abbi, can you believe that
Darcy's the first of the
trifecta to get married?
I can... she's been engaged
for like seven years.
Oh, my God, Ilana,
you have to take so many
pictures of us tonight.
Yeah, it will be fun.
I mean, sorry, not of us, of the
trifecta-me, Abbi, and Darcy.
I worked with you guys, too.
I thought we were the quad.
Honestly, Morgan's
boner for you is so big
you can see it from space.
You should just let
her suck it already.
So, now I have the boner?
I thought that
Morgan had the boner.
Oh, my God, Connecticut
is so classy.
God, no it isn't.
Why are we even going there?
Don't be insane, Ilana, I mean
Darcy is marrying the heir to
Jennifer friggin' Convertibles.
It's gonna be so amazing.
I brought all the
essentials-gum, Adderall,
and poppers.
We gotta bring our
A-game, bitches.
There better be good boys there.
I'm the first woman in my family
to be 25 and still single?
This year I had to bring
myself up to minorities,
and still nothing.
Move our asses, bitches!
Got some good momentum.
Come on!
It's so crazy that you're coming
with me to this wedding, right?
No.
It's only our second date.
It's not crazy at all.
Plus I get to see you in
this dress, maybe out of it.
Will!
Okay, chill.
We've got time.
I'm pumped.
I love weddings.
I crush at weddings.
Wait till you see me on
the dance floor.
Um, Ilana, what are we even
doing in Grand Central?
Is there a garage
in here or something?
Where's your mom's car parked?
Uh, Long Island.
Uh, Ilana, what the frick!
You said that we could get
your mom's car for this trip.
I e-mailed you every day for
like two months.
I didn't get any e-mails.
That's why.
Don't worry, dude, chill.
I got us tickets.
Oh, my God, we gotta go.
Come on, we got
a couple minutes!
Uh, Ilana, why is there no 2:10
train to Bridgeport anywhere?
I don't know...
I'm not a conductor.
Ilana, these are
Amtrak tickets, dude.
It only runs outta Penn Station.
Oh, gross.
Alright, let's go, come on.
I-I can't run.
I'm gonna sweat
off my concealer.
Holy (bleep)!
This place really is majestic.
Taxi!
Taxi!
-It's been a whirlwind, right?
-I know.
- Both been having fun.
- Yeah.
- Talked about getting that dog.
- Uh-huh.
But, um, Penn Station. I can't.
It's disgusting.
It's kind of a
deal-breaker for me.
Okay, I'm confused.
Maybe this is one of those
romantic New York City stories
where you meet someone amazing,
and then... tragedy happens.
And they're gone, and
you never see them again,
and you wonder what they did
with their whole life.
- Good luck, kid.
- Taxi's here. Come on!
Okay, everybody in.
Abbi, sit by me.
I don't even know
what just happened.
Okay you sit in the middle, but
I don't wanna sit next to Ilana.
Sure, sit on Morgan's boner.
Guys, I just got dumped.
Abbi, wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Oh, it's just not meant to be.
Oh, my G, my God, you guys remer
Brian O., the head bartender?
He stopped eating
carbs and got totally ripped.
My brother did that-he
doesn't eat carbs-he's jacked.
Anyway, he became a DJ in
Provincetown, then he OD'd.
Dead!
Wow, geez.
Only the good die young, huh?
You know, I'm not
over Amy Winehouse.
It's like we
knew it would happen,
but we didn't do anything
about it.
I didn't "know her" know
her, but I still miss her.
You guys remember Steff?
Yes, the one who used to eat out
of the trash... Ew, right, okay.
So, she worked that retirement
party, married some old dude and
then OD'd a week later at Bryant
Park on the carousel.
Dead!
You remember Ray... (bleep)
Are you okay?
Oh, my gosh, are you all right?
Everybody okay?
Kevin, your nose is bleeding.
Oh, no, this
isn't from the crash.
It happens all the time.
But I need to get outta
here before the cops come.
Everybody out.
Go, go, go!
- Can you take this?
- Yeah.
Whoo! I am hot, too.
I have blotting
sheets if anybody needs.
I could use one.
You might need two, sweetheart.
Oh, my God!
It left us.
It left without us!
What?
No!
No, no.
Oh, my God!
All right, okay!
We gotta go right now!
Come on, let's move it!
Move it!
Move, move, move!
Come on!
No, no, no, no!
Eighth Avenue.
Ilana, come on, move it!
Move it!
Come on!
Abbi, I'm behind you!
So, it's $70
a day to rent a car.
Totally doable.
Do you wanna insure the driver?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Do you want to insure
against other cars?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Potholes?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Weather?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Trees?
- Uh-huh.
God?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Transition insurance for when I
pull the car around... make sure
you get that last
one... I'm a terrible driver.
- Okay.
- Sure.
With all that, it comes to $125.
Okay.
License and credit card, please.
Oh.
You're under 25.
That changes things.
That'll be $1,100.
Oh... we're gonna need
one moment, please.
Thank you so much.
All right, come 'ere, huddle up.
Okay, so, we both know that I'm
25, but what Mary doesn't yet
know is that my
license is expired.
We're gonna need to come up with
a plan in the next 20 seconds
inside this huddle, 'cause
when I created the huddle,
I thought by this
time I'd have a plan.
I don't.
- I'm gonna keep...
- Here's my license and the AMEX
should cover insurance.
This isn't a sugar daddy thing.
This is just an old, established
"guy paying for his younger
friend he has sex
with" kind of thing,
so just get that right out
of your mind, you know?
Well, you're all set.
There's only one vehicle left.
It doesn't have AC,
but it's really spacious.
We'll take it.
Oh... okay.
Gotta love that
transitions insurance.
Man, it's hot in here.
Gotta commend you, I got adult
braces two years ago, and it was
the best decision I ever made.
Check me out.
- Oh, those are nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
But these aren't braces.
They're mouth scaffolding,
just to hold my teeth in.
Mouth scaffolding?
I've never heard of that.
I'm a dentist, and
I haven't heard of that.
I went to Nicaragua for 'em.
They were so reasonable.
Okay, you're dancing
against the truck right now.
You gotta dance with it, girl.
God, this is terrible.
I don't know.
It kinda feels good on my back.
Yeah, I mean
it's actually kinda fun.
Good save, Morgan.
Abbi, do you remember that
holiday party that we thought
that we ran out of cheeseballs,
and then it turned out we had
more cheeseballs in the back?
Yeah, the cheeseballs.
Yeah.
I'm not gettin' married until
everyone can get married.
Why did you look at me
when you said "everyone"?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
You gay, man.
Oh, yeah, I am.
I'm totally gay.
I got it now.
I got what you mean.
Abbi, do you remember
that time the chicken satays
were way underdone?
Do you remember?
I still laugh about it.
This bitch is unraveling.
I am well aware.
What are we laughing about?
I don't know.
God, I can't believe Will
didn't go to Penn Station.
What a little bitch.
It's the most vibrant
place in the city,
and they have really good sushi.
You know what,
I'm fine that he left.
He had a really big penis.
How big, how big, how big?
Like, think
earth, like think earth.
Coke can, plantain big.
Oh, God!
What are those?
Poppers.
What do they do?
They loosen your butthole.
Why you takin' it right now?
'Cause we're going to a wedding.
Hello?
Abbi, this keeps
happening to you.
You're like a magnet
for elephant dongs
God, you know who had
the really big dick?
My brother, Mitchell.
Hold on, Morgan,
did you say something
about your brother's dick?
I didn't mean to say that.
Just forget it.
Delete, delete, delete,
delete, delete, delete.
Everybody okay?
Why would Jesus give
us a flat tire?
Well, he did, Morgan.
God, it is over!
Guys, the Sei Wah bus
runs every half hour.
Ew, disgusting, Ilana.
You're disgusting.
I think that's our only
option right now, so...
Yeah, okay, Abbi,
you're totally right.
I agree with you.
You know, we could ride down.
Ilana, we are in formalwear.
We cannot bike down.
It's 4:00 o'clock.
We're not getting
a cab right now.
This is our best bet.
Totally.
Okay, so to recap-Abbi and I
have decided that we're going to
bike down to the
Sei Wah bus, okay?
- Whoo-hoo!
- Great.
All right, come on on, let's go.
Come on, come on, come on!
- Let's go!
- Abbi, I'm coming!
Lincoln, come on.
I can't.
Someone has to stay
with the truck and call
the rental car company.
I can't leave
you here by yourself.
You can't not go to
a wedding you RSVP'd to.
You have to respect
the sanctity of the RSVP.
I was uncomfortable at the fact
that you were my date
to a wedding... that's
like so legit.
But now that you're
not coming, I'm bummed.
And that makes me uncomfortable
in a different way.
Are you just sayin' that so
I'll do the rest of the dance?
The what?
What's painfully ironic about
this is that I love
weddings the most.
Pump it, pump it!
You guys, if we don't
pick up the pace,
we're gonna miss this 4:30.
Harder, harder!
You are warriors
of change right now.
What are your passions?
Who lights your fire?
Gossip!
Rihanna's instagram.
My brother!
Never mind!
Delete, delete that!
Hey, Kevin, what's up
with your bike, dude?
We're all on city bikes.
What?
I thought we
were all stealing bikes.
I-I-I can't go back to
prison, Ilana!
I can't go...
Whoo!
High on life!
Look at me now, solstice!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Look at me now, New York City!
Whoo!
Okay, so, if we make this bus,
then we'll just miss the
cocktail hour, but we'll
make it time for apps before
the ceremony.
This is the opposite of
the time the trifecta took
the Jitney to the Hamptons.
I never heard about that.
It... it wasn't a big deal.
We just went to the
Hamptons for the weekend.
Darcy's parents
have a timeshare.
That was a really crazy
weekend, huh, Abbi?
I don't know if it's
really worth talking about.
Okay, I think it's very
much worth talking about.
Remember we went
to that club, The Elm?
The Elm, that sounds cool.
It wasn't.
Oh, my God, she doesn't know?
Know what?
Oh, this is gonna be so rich.
Okay, when we
went to the Hamptons,
Darcy and Abbi made out.
It was before I knew you.
Ilana, it's not a big deal.
It's a huge deal.
You said that if you were
ever gonna do same-sex
experimentation,
it was gonna be with me.
I have never said that to you.
It has been implied.
By you.
Well, implications get
responses,
and it takes two to tango.
Oh... okay.
Oh, my God.
Where are we even?
♪ Confess to the nervousness ♪
♪ As we stumble to the close of
the troubled chapter ♪
♪ These notes have been torn ♪
♪ But we don't know
the truth burns through ♪
♪ It's a total disaster ♪
♪ But if you could see
what your eyes reflect ♪
♪ From your soul through the... ♪
♪ If you could look past what
divides is petty ♪
♪ Wondering if you can ♪
♪ Won't you let me,
won't you let me be... ♪
Ilana, there'seats.
I'm gonna sit with somebody
whose yet to shatter my world.
Hello, new friend.
Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm just-I'm listening
to this relaxation mix.
Do you wanna?
All right, sure.
...too shall pass.
You are beautiful, you are
strong, you are supple, Morgan.
What is this?
My brother made if for me.
He's a yoga teacher.
Isn't it helpful?
He's good, right?
Ilana, will you just come
on and sit back here?
No, I will not just
"come on," and you know why.
'Cause you made out with Darcy.
You told him?
Fine.
You know what
else Darcy and I did?
We touched boobs.
We touched boobs,
We touched boobs!
We touched boobs!
We touched boobs!
We touched boobs.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what is this?
It's a fish! Oh, my God!
Get out!
Move, move, move!
I'm getting out!
I'm getting off of this bus!
I hate you all!
It's going down my underwear.
Oh, God!
Ilana, F-you!
You did this to
bring down the trifecta.
Morgan, what are
you talking about?
We don't even hang out anymore.
There's no trifecta.
It's more of like a duo now.
So...
Oh, my God, keep talking.
- I'm legit gonna cry.
- Okay.
- Oh my god.
- Well, fine!
Have fun doing all
your drugs together,
you druggie lesbian dudes!
Go (bleep) your brother, dude.
You smell.
All right, give
me Lincoln's clothes.
-I'll change.
-Okay, I'll block you,
and I'm gonna peek.
No, dude, you're not peeking.
Come on.
Fine, today you can peek.
This one time.
Well, you didn't
get flat tire insurance.
What do you mean I didn't
get flat tire insurance?
I bought every
insurance you offered.
Before I rented you the car, I
went through an itemized list.
If you wanted flat tires
covered, you should have asked
for flat tires.
I'm not a mind-reader.
Listen, Mary, I've
had an awful day.
I was on my way to a wedding, I
wasn't able to make the wedding.
Imagine how disappointed I am.
I shine at weddings.
You can't look the other
way on this?
Look the other way?
Yeah?
You think 'cause you come in
here in your little short-shorts
looking all Idris
Elba that I'm supposed
to like give everything up?
Idris Elba?
Don't act like you don't know.
You look like him.
All right, well,
Mary, where do I sign?
Wait, are we talking
Luther or the Wire?
Oh, I was supposed
to tell you something.
Anything.
Mom called.
She needs your social.
Did you write it down?
No, that's why
I'm telling you now?
Mitchell, what's the
point of telling me now?
I'm just gonna forget it.
Go, you're so much like dad.
I don't know.
I think I'd be Penn.
- I get to be Teller?
- You wanna be Teller?
I'll be whoever you
don't wanna be, you know?
- Oh.
- That's what I mean.
Whoa.
I feel bad.
- I have to tell Darcy we can't come.
- She's fine.
She invited 300 other people.
Great.
They're not coming either.
Let's just do this.
Do you, Darcy...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do, he does, whatever.
You smell good now.
Oh, you smell like Lincoln.
Yeah, I smell
exactly like Lincoln.
I'm gonna grab the N
train around the corner.
Me, too.
- I'm headed that way.
- Okay, cool.
Huh.
We are perfect gentlemen, dude.
We're in tuxes.
- Right, it's like...
- We have to.
Right?
Your call, bud.
- Captain.
- I say we do it.
Let's do it... this day.
Hello, Sir.
Oh, my gosh, thank you.
They've completely remodeled.
This used to be carpet.
Love hardwood floors.
- Ilana?
- What?