Broad City (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Apartment Hunters - full transcript

Start it.

♪ Zombie on the track

♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪

♪ I done kept it real
from the jump ♪



♪ Livin' at my mama's house
we'd argue every mornin' ♪

♪ I was tryin' to get it
on my own ♪

♪ Workin' all night
traffic on the way home ♪

♪ And my uncle callin' me
like "Where you at? ♪

♪ I gave you the keys
told you bring it right back" ♪

♪ I just think it's funny
how it goes ♪

♪ Now I'm on the road
half a million for a show ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪

♪ Start, started from the bottom
now we're here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here... ♪



Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am...

Ma'am!

You didn't sign the back
of the check.

I'm sorry. Uh, you
know, I wasn't sure

if there was a special
teller I should go to

for checks that are this large?

Ooh, 8K, unh!

You know how she got it, dude?

This bitch right here
drew this illustration,

and a sexy-ass
new dating web site bought it

for $8,000!

"An alert from your bank"?

What?
No.

This illustration.

Hey, came from her heart.

Great-- so do you
want this in cash?

No, I want it
in my savings account.

For somebody who works
at the bank,

♪ I thought you'd be

♪ more responsible with money ♪

Ludacris.

I also have some business
with the bank.

I'd like to cash these nickels,

and I'll have them
in quarters, please.

Thank you so much.

♪ Four and three
and two and one-- one ♪

Abbi, you're home.

What's going on?

Nothing, just, uh...

straightening up
in the living room.

You know, I was gonna
fold this, heh.

This is a mess.

Body Butter!

Lap pillow!

Julianna Margulies!

You were jerking off.

In the communal space!

You don't even live here!

I wasn't even touching
my wiener yet.

I was still just
doing butt stuff.

Ew! What?
Okay.

I was "jerking off."

And to Julianna Margulies.

Bevers, I swear to God
that better be "E.R."

It's... "Good Wife."

You have a way of tainting
everything I love.

Taint?
Don't.

I'm done.
I'm moving out.

I am moving the (bleep) out!

You know why?
'Cause I have money now.

I got money now!

'Cause I'm a boss.

'Cause I'm a badass boss!

Yeah, see how it goes.

You see how it goes!

Sorry.

"Operator."

I heard "Oppertimer."

Op-er-a-tor.
Oppenheimer.

Thank you so much
for coming with me.

I can't live in this apartment
for another second.

Human being!
Huge feelings.

What's happening here?

I cancelled my cable
nine months ago.

They are still charging me,

and I'm getting
an overdraft fee every day.

Did you return your cable box?

Yeah, you came
with me, remember?

That old lady spit
on you in line.

Oh, right.
That was...

Human being!

Human being.

Cumin braiding.
Where is this broker?

Just, I wanna
move out immediately.

Hi, girls.
It's me, Pam.

HI...

Oh--
Oh...

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Abbi.
We spoke on the phone.

Don't shake my hand,
it was just down my pants.

Let's find you your dream
apartment, shall we?

Yeah.
Let's go here.

Beautiful day.

Well, what do you think?

It's a hallway.

It is a beautiful

railroad-style apartment
in your budget.

Where's the bathroom?

Where isn't the bathroom?

Jeez, wear a catheter,
go in the corner.

You can fit
a king size bed in here.

Yeah, if you fold it up
like a taco.

God, why am I so
turned on right now?

Ew, Pam, this place is horrible.

Let's just move on.

Look, don't bully me,
all right-- I can't take it!

I was cyberbullied within
an inch of my life last night.

I make dolls out of human hair.

Who's thirsty?

God, I hope there's not
another speed bump.

I've got 18 stitches
down there in my Susie.

You know, the doctor said
they'd disintegrate,

but they haven't.

Maybe I should
get 'em yanked out.

Maybe I can yank 'em out.

You got any tweezers on ya?

You know, I don't.
I'm sorry.

They're killing me.
Oh well.

Can't let it get me down.

God, I love this car.

It's so little, you know,

you can basically
park it anywhere.

Thank you for holding.

You are no longer
on pre-hold.

You are on actual hold.

It's so fun to drive one
so small.

"Pre-hold"?
Pre-hold-- really?

I heard "pre-hold."

You are now being placed
back on pre-hold.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no-- hello?

And we are here!

This place is terrific!

It's a prewar building

built right after the Iraq war.

How's that mattress treatin' ya?

I can't sleep like this.
I feel like I'm in a coffin.

I slept in a coffin once.

It wasn't that bad,
except for the body.

Let's go!

Ilana, I'm gonna get out first.

And then you come, okay?

Oh!
Damn!

Dude! (Bleep)

Let's hustle!

Your hand's on my ass.
I'm like--

I'm like--
I'm on the ladder.

I got-- I got this.
I'm cool.

Thank you for holding.

(Bleep) you, robot!

Come on, let's hurry up.

I gotta get home
and feed my Oscar fish.

Are we just leaving it?

Let's see... oh.

Hey, you guys know
that television show "Friends"?

Yes.
Oh, my God.

It's a great show, right?

Here's this place.

Welcome to Ideal Media.
You are next in line.

Hello? Hello?

But it is no guarantee.

Hi--

Hel-- I'll be right in.

Hello, how can I help you?

Oh-- oh my goodness.

Are you a human being?
Hello?

Yes, I am.
How can I help you?

Oh...

The good news is,

the landlords are gonna repaint,

and you get to pick the color.

I would suggest red.

More good news.

The walls are super thick.

Listen.

Help!

Please call the police!

They tied me up!

I think they're Filipino!

They took my baby!

You're still being charged

because you returned the cable
box, but not the remote.

So I'm being charged
$100 a month

for a remote control?

I have no idea where that is.

Well, you're gonna have
to track it down

or you'll keep
being charged... forever.

See?

You could scream all night long,

neighbor won't even
hear a thing.

This isn't working for me.

I'm gonna go on Craigslist.

No, please, I really
need the money.

They're gonna break my legs!

I'm sorry, I just gotta
do this on my own.

Wait... no!

Nooooo...

The walls are really thick.

Can't find this remote.

And I don't understand
this, Ilana.

It's like you have
a thousand socks,

but no underwear
in the underwears drawer.

You don't have to tell me.

I don't know where
my underwear goes.

That's why I'm always
going commando.

Oh, is this it?
No.

That's my old dictaphone
from high school.

Is a dick phone?
Dic-ta-phone.

Oh, I was...
"Hello? Hello, Dick."

Great idea number nine.

It's like Facebook,
but just for photos.

I guess it could be videos, too,

but mostly photos.

Ilana, you invented
the Instagram.

That's insane.

I bet I was high the last
time I had my remote.

Like, for sure!
Yeah, yeah.

Like, certainly.
Certainly, yes.

Maybe if I get high again
I'll remember where I put it.

Aren't you already high?

I-- I mean,
like, more high.

Is "higher."
"Highest."

Last year, Brooklyn.

My old apartment on Flatbush.

Living room...
couch.

Sex on the couch.

Bad sex.
Really bad sex.

The worst sex.
Dale!

Eww...

Dale.

Thank you so much for
coming with me again.

Ilana can't find
her remote, so--

Also, I'm terrified
of Craigslist.

If it ever gets weird,
I'll get you out of there.

I don't want you moving in
with a Craigslist killer.

So scary.

That dude just posted for women,

and then just kills them.

Or do you think
he has sex with them

and then kills them?

Or did he kill them,
then have sex with them?

You're both right.

Oh, sorry, this is Mark.
Please, enter me.

I mean, please, enter me.

Please enter and come on up.

All right.

Ilana?
Hey, Dale.

How are you?

I'm good, I'm good.

Me, too.

Uh, okay, so listen.

Um, this is kind of an awkward
conversation to have,

But do you have...

Herpes?
Yeah, all over.

What?
I have herpes?

That's not what I was
calling about.

Yeah, me neither.

I thought you were someone else.

Okay...

Look, I was calling to ask

if you have my cable remote.

Uh, yeah, I--

I guess it might be
around here somewhere.

Okay, well, I need it.

Why don't you come over?

I'll make my encrusted salmon.

Ew, no, just meet me
in a public place.

What about that
Italian restaurant

where our souls merged?

Our souls never merged dude.

Yeah, I know.

Jesus.

Let's uh-- Let's meet
at Washington Square Park.

Like, 5:00?
I'll be there.

Yikes.

The room is available now.

So this is the living room.

Oh, man!

Look how high
these ceilings are.

Check out this crown
molding right there.

That's priceless.
Whoa.

Oh, there's a massage table.

Yeah, I'm taking classes
at the Swedish Institute.

Cool.
Yeah.

If you let me practice on you,

I could knock a few
dollars off the rent.

Abbi, you gotta
check out the sink.

It's so deep, you could wash
a baby in there.

I have.

Okay.

So what's your shoe size?

Nine.

Hmm.
Men's or women's?

Hey, Lincoln, did you hear
that cool question?

Lincoln?
Abbi, check it out.

There's another room in here!

This place is crazy!

Okay, we gotta get out of here.
Why?

We're leaving.
Why?

We have to--
Ah!

I see you found
my breakfast nook.

Yeah, man.

It's a cool-ass,
big-ass nook.

The one bathroom is in there.

But it's pretty much
your private bathroom.

I almost never go.

Except when I do go,
I really go.

It's a major problem.

You'll have to stay in a hotel
for a couple days.

I'll pay for it, of course.

Lincoln, you wanna...
help me?

Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Abbi, sorry.

It's okay.

What hotel?

Holiday Inn Express?

She'll take it.
No.

Thank you so much.
Lovely place.

Come on, we're leaving.

Ilana!

Oh... God...

Hey.

Here.
Dale--

These are for you.
"It's a boy"?

It's all they had left
at Key Foods.

Okay...
Okay...

Okay, please...
All right.

Ilana, listen.

You don't have
to pretend anymore.

I know why you left that remote.

You want to get back together.

And I'm in.

Dale, we were never together!

We were roommates who had sex

a small handful of times

because the train wasn't running

to Manhattan on the weekends.

Say the word, and I'll
leave my fiancèe.

You're engaged?

And you brought her?
What is wrong with you?

Just say you'll give us a shot,

and I'll give the driver
a signal,

and he will take her straight
to Newark airport.

Give me the remote.

Come on.

Thanks for the balloons.

Please don't tell Amanda
I told you I'd leave her.

Please don't tell her

I bought her a one-way ticket
to Santa Fe.

What?
Please don't tell her I have herpes!

Do I or do I not have herpes?

I do, you don't.

Oh, God!

I want to read so many of this books.

This is unreal.

I can't believe I can
get a room in Manhattan

for 900 bucks a month.

See, I told you
you'd find something.

This place is perfect.

Hey, if she doesn't
get the room, I might.

No, I'm taking it.
Stop.

Well, we go to Priya's mom's
beach house most weekends,

so you'll have the place
to yourself a lot.

Wow.
We make dinner every night,

and our sex is
on the quiet side.

Yeah, so is mine,
with myself, right?

Yeah!

I think I speak for Priya
when I say

we would love to have you
as a roommate.

Yes, that would be awesome.

Do I dare say we toast?

I double dare ya!

Let's do it.
Thank you.

To built-ins, countertops
you can chop right on,

and toilets with two
flush buttons-- cheers.

Yeah.

♪ SelectDate, SelectDate

Oh, wait,
this is the commercial.

This is the illustration
I was telling you guys about.

Man, this is so cool.

I did this.

Jack?

On a date with someone
who isn't your type?

They're just not like you.

What does he mean,
"not like you"?

But with SelectDate,
you get to choose

from the cream of the crop.

Because we only deal
with the cream.

For whites who are single
and ready to mingle.

Oh...
SelectDate,

the final solution
to your dating problems.

What the (bleep), Abbi?

No, no, that is not--

I wouldn't ever do
something like that.

'Cause I--

I just drew happy couples.

Like, 'cause I love couples.
I love people.

I just love people.
Like, I love, like--

I love all races.

"Races," not "racists."

You guys are--
I wouldn't--

And it's a--

It's probably not national.

It's just like, um--
Probably it's just--

I'm so sorry.

I don't know her that well.

I'm just--
I'm bonin' her friend,

and so I just hang out with her.

You know how you gotta hang out

with your girl's friends?

Hmm.

No, this is the wrong remote.

What must I do?

What do you want from me?

Look, lady, this is
the wrong remote,

and this is the right remote.

Okay, you gotta get
the right remote.

I had to find out I may
or may not have herpes

to get this remote!

Can I speak to
your manager, please?

Oh, I am the manager.

I also do billing,
installation programming,

and I compose
the "on hold" music.

You composed this music?

Oh, no, no, this is
the "waiting room" music.

I compose that too.

I'm actually the only
person who works here.

Yikes.

Okay, what are my options?

You can either mail in
a check for $1,000,

or come in person and pay $5.

You're only the fifth person
ever to come in.

Oh...

Here.

I can pay in quarters, right?

Oh, actually, no.
Our system's down

and we only take nickels.

Sorry.

Oh, and you know what?
I hate your music.

So do I.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Abidab,

I really wanted to
apologize for last night.

We don't need to get into it.

Well, I did make you
these bagel bites.

I put 'em in the shape
of an "A" because

I know how you like
to label your food.

Listen, when you
came in last night,

and-- and I was
touching myself...

Can we please not?

So...
Well, let me just--

I really want to explain.

See, I was pleasuring myself.

I don't need to--

I like to start off slow, okay.

And then I like to work
the tempo up and up and up.

And I'll-- I'll lick a thumb...
Seriously, I-- This is--

...and then sort of
brush it lightly

against the nipples.
Why are we going over this?

And then, there's a--
There's a--

You know, in the (bleep),
or whatever you call it,

there's a sort of
a (bleep) there.

I like to apply pressure
to that slowly.

And then right when
I'm (bleep), I (bleep),

then I (bleep) into
the (bleep), hard, hard, hard.

And then I (bleep),
and it just--

You know,
it-- it-- it--

It's a very powerful feeling.

Whoa, cool shirt.

You don't need tell me
Sour Patch Kids are good,

I know Sour Patch Kids are good.

Oh, Lincoln, I don't
have herpes,

and neither do you--
that's all.

Ilana, there is a child
right here.

Please.
We're in New York.

And you're, like, 12, right?

I'm seven, and you're
being inappropriate.

Bitch, you're 22.

Okay, listen,
your dentist and I, um,

have been having...
sexual intercourse

on the regular
for about five months--

Ilana, it's been
a year and a half!

For real?
18 months.

God.

Don't do drugs.

That's--
That's the takeaway.

Don't do drugs.

It's like I have
no memories, man.

I can't remember a thing!

I wake up, I'm like aah!
It's scary.

I just, like, don't know
where I am a lot of the time.

I can't find that remote.
I-- I--

I'm missing hundreds
of pairs of underwear.

Literally hundreds.

You never found
the right remote?

No.

But wherever it is,
I hope it's happy.