Broad City (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Stolen Phone - full transcript

I can't really
imagine what it's like

for people with
blue eyes.

I've no idea, and I'm feeling
like a (bleep) freak!

Exactly, dude, it's like...
I think they can see backwards,

like into the eye.

Is that your vaporizer?

Vapelife.

Man, I wanna
get high.

Here.

No, that does
not work.

You can keep trying, but
it's never gonna work.



I'll come over and
smoke you right up.

Okay, and then
we can go to BBB!

Peace.

(reverberating)

(man)
Hey Ab

I've been meaning to ask

I'm missing like
a bunch of my undies.

So I had an envelope
up here with all of

my Bed, Bath &
Beyond coupons.

I can't find it.

I threw them away,
they were all expired.

Bed, Bath & Beyond
coupons never expire.

They have expiration
dates on them.

Yeah, to-- to
throw idiots off!



Where do you think all
this stuff comes from?

You think someone
drops it off?

No!
This is Bed,
Bath & Beyond?

Yeah! Dude, they
sell lots of stuff.

You just threw
away bowls,

maybe coffee filters,
a-- a new ottoman!

Well, you asked me
to clean the fridge.

The inside of
the fridge.

The inside of
the fridge is fine.

It's all those junky coupons
on top that had to go.

I guess that's totally
on me, I guess.

Can't even do chores
around the house!

Hey!
I will not buy a Sodastream
full price, Bevers!

I will not do it!

♪ Four and three
and two and one ♪

♪

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

(grunting)

Ooh!

Oh, my God.

(Abbi)
Um, Ilana...
Yeah?

You just pulled a bag
of pot out of your vagina.

I know.

Why-- why would
you do that?

I do it all the time.

Honestly, it's the
safest way to travel.

Apparently, I have been
smoking this tainted weed

for I don't even
know how long.

I didn't mean that.

It's just
disturbing to me.

I don't-- I don't know
what to tell you.

It's in a bag.

And, you know, the "vaya-nya"
is nature's pocket.

It's-- it's natural,
and it's responsible.

I shouldn't even be
bumming off of you.

(Ilana)
Oh, who cares?
No, I'm an adult.

I should be buying
my own pot.

Wow!

Never thought this day
would come, you know?

I would be honored and
pleasured to facilitate this.

No, no, no.

None of your dudes.

I wanna get my
own pot, okay?

I'm not gonna be like holding my
mommy's hand while I buy drugs.

I can do this. (Ilana)
You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna be a grown-ass woman
and do my taxes for once,

without my
mommy and daddy.

Get it, bitch.
I'm gonna call some
old college buds,

a buncha weed-heads.

Hit 'em up!

I'm gonna get
those taxes did.

I'll hop on the Q18, catch the
N and then transfer to the R,

and get home in a tight 95
'cause the G ain't runnin'.

Whoa!

Um, but it was because
someone jumped on the tracks

to kill themselves,
it was really sad.

Love ya, bitch!

That really is sad.

♪

I mean, good luck
with the trial.

I'll be sendin'
positive vibes.

Okay, all right.

Bye.

(cell phone vibrating)

Oh!

(woman)
Abbi?
Cheese?

Cheese.

No one's called me
Cheese in, like, forever.

Um, I'm just callin' 'cause
I was curious if you were still,

you know, like sellin'
the greenery, 'cause, um,

'cause I'm lookin'
to buy some greenery, so...

You still smoke pot?

Oh, Abbi.

This is a prank
call! Bye!

So sad.
(kids screaming)

(sighs)

I know, mommy knows.

Hemmy, you deserve to
be a citizen so hard.

You are so good
at doing my taxes.

Totally is
a privilege for me.

You know, 'cause taxes
pay for the gayest stuff.

Okay, who pays for
the library? Taxes.

Parks? Beaches?

The Army.
Hello?

Oh, and they pay for the
policemen and the firemen, too,

if you think about it.
That's right.

I just can't wait for the day
that I walk by a policeman,

and I tell him,

"I pay for
your outfit."
Oh, my God.

You're gonna pay for
a lot of outfits.

♪

(Abbi)
Weed?

You have any marijuana?

Pot? Pot?

I can find somebody.

It shouldn't
be that hard.

Weed?
Yeah, weed.

I mean, weed, yeah.

How much?

Um, I was thinking
like an eighth.

Okay, I was gonna say,
like, a quarter.

Wow, okay.

I mean, I wasn't
prepared for that much.

Is-- is that what
you need me to do?

It's what I'd like.
Okay.

How much would
that be?

You tell me.

Am I naming my
own price here,

like, what--
I don't know.

That's-- that's
what dealers do.

Wait, do you think
that I'm the dealer?

You walk around the
park sayin', "weed,

pot," people think
you're a--

Or they could think that
you were looking for it.

So...

♪

Hey, um, so
Hemmy and I are

working pretty hard to suck
Uncle Sam's D up in here,

but we ran into
like a pickle, wall--

I don't know what
the saying is.

Um, we got the W2's
and the W9's,

but where do we get three through
eight? (Abbi) Dude, I don't know.

You get the things you get, you
sign 'em, and you send 'em back.

She doesn't know,
and she is mean.

(Abbi)
I'm sorry that
I snapped.

I'm in a bad mood.

I'm just-- I'm having a really
hard time finding weed, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I think I'm gonna
give up on this.

This is like-- it was
a long shot to begin with.

I mean, like, who
do I think I am?

Heard you were looking
for some... pizza.

Pizza?
Yeah, grandma, pizza.

Pot.

Oh, okay.

Who are you
Alex P. Keaton?

Do you want
the pizza or not?

Yeah, yeah,
I want it.

Ilana, I got
the pizza.

Pizza?

Yeah, that's what the
kids are callin' it.

I got it.
Cool.

Pizza, very cool.

All right, sweet.

Let's meet at the ATM where that
dude puked on you last week.

Okay.
Peace.

We haven't finished
your taxes yet.

And you know what a grown-up
woman really does?

Pays someone
else to do it.

Ah, the American way.

So, are you sure you
just want the pot?

You should
really try Oxy.

For $500, I'll sell
you three pages

of my dad's
prescription pad.

No, just
the pot's fine.

I'm ashamed I ever called
you Alex P. Keaton.

I have no idea who
you're talking about.

♪

Nice.

Okay, I wanna say
something to you,

but you have
to hear me out.

Okay.
I really think you should put
your weed in your front hole.

It's too dank to be out in
the air, I'm telling you.

Like, I-- I'm
not doing that.

So, look, I don't
know what you--

Listen, we're gonna be
runnin' around all day,

and there is literally
no safer place.

I don't wanna get too graphic,
but "vajinas" tend to mask the

smell-- and, you know,
they're warm and they're moist,

and they have
their own odor.

That's why--
Well, what's
the graphic part

that you didn't wanna say,
'cause I feel like that

was like pretty
head-on-the-nose.

That was graphic.

I'm not putting pot,
like, up inside of me,

'cause I'm an adult,
and I'm responsible.

Let's go get
some candy.

(both)
Ooh...

Kids used to say it
would take them, like,

a week to get to the center
of one of these bad boys.

But I know the trick to
gettin' right to it.

(screaming)

What up, Ilana?

So I-- I bit into a jawbreaker,
and my veneer fell out,

and now I am
a literal monster.

I didn't know you
had a veneer,

and I'm in that mouth
on a regular basis.

Well, I broke it
on a dog bone,

so I don't tell
a lot of people,

to be honest.

You know, since
we're bein' honest,

I want to share with you that
I have prosthetic balls.

What?
I'm just kiddin'!

So, can you fix it?

Yeah, I'm not doin'
anything right now.

(mumbling)
Chill. I'm on
the phone, man.

So the earliest I could
see you is 4:30.

Thank you
so much, dude.

All right,
so where were we?

Oh, yeah.

Yeesh! These all
gotta come out.

What?

I'm just kiddin'.

I'm a real jokester
today-- I had that one,

and the one earlier
about prosthetic balls.

I'm crushin' it,
two for two all day.

♪

Okay.

I can't make heads
or tails of this.

What is this for?

Oh, I got that for
biking on the sidewalk,

but because I hadn't
paid my last ticket

for biking on
the sidewalk--

I gotta tell ya, this
is all a mess,

'cause none of this is
necessary or helpful.

Oh, come on, Killian Casey,
C.P.A., I didn't know!

Oh, I didn't know,
Killian.

My final question-- do
you have any dependents?

Uh, I have a lot of
independence, but, um--

I guess I have people
who depend on me, too.

So, no?
Correct.

I think I almost
got this.

Got what?

I think it's, like, some sort
of rocket ship or something.

It's my family.

This magic eye
is your family?

It's a regular
photograph.

I don't know, man.
I don't care if you
believe me or not.

Your refund
comes to $52.

Cha-chang,
cha-chang!

(Killian)
It's combined
State and Federal.

My fee is $125
for the day.
What?

I'm giving you more
than I'm getting back?

That's illegal.
It's not illegal.

You're paying me to do
your taxes for you.

Yeah, but I'm not
gonna go negative

for my taxes
to get done.

I shouldn't have done
them in the first place.

You know what? I think
we're done here.

Why don't you take
your garbage...

and mail it
out yourself.

You're not gonna
mail it?

I thought this was
a one-stop shop.

I came here
for the stamps.

I see it,
it's your family.

Get outta here.
I got it.

Get outta here!

Who yells?

Go! Go!

My purse!
Go!

Get out!
Get outta here!

Give me that!

(screaming)

I'd have sex
with that dude.

Would you have sex
with that dude?

No, but I'd see
him naked, you know?

Now, this dude,
I would let in!

He loves his mom.

See, that guy--
trim beard,

he's very ambitious,
he's reading.

I would do it.

What about him?
He's pretty hot.

He's got huge balls.

Are you asking me if I'd
make love with that dog?

I obviously mean
if you were a dog.

Oh.

He's very muscular,
really handsome.

I don't know.

I think I would need to know,
like, what kinda dog I was

to be able to really
answer that question.

Like, you can't just
throw around answers.

You like hurt my head
you're so smart, Ab.

What kinda dog
would you be?

A slim pug.

Yeah.
You knew that
immediately.

Yeah, I thought
about it before.

I would be a three-legged mutt,
because I'd be like a highly

respected minority, and I'd
be all the dogs' fetishes.

That-- Ilana, that is
like a special choice.

Like, actually like
a very selfish choice.

'Cause everybody's
like ...

It's 4:00!
We gotta go.

Dude, we have
an appointment?

We need to get
to the dentist.

I like how you call
Lincoln the dentist.

He is the dentist.

♪

Blam, blam, blam,
blam, blam!

Blam, blam,
blam, blam!

You know what it is,
break yourself!

Oh my God!

Yes, let's turn up
the nitrous.

I know you like that.

My God, it's good.

Oh, yeah.

You know, Ilana, we've been
hangin' for a while, and the

arrangement we
have now is cool--

the ol' sex
buddies thing?

I love it, it's dope,
'cause I get to bone a lot.

Yeah.

But, you ever thought what
it would be like to be in a--

a real relationship--
boyfriend-girlfriend?

It could be great.

"Oh, yeah,
Lincoln, I do.

I do wanna date
you seriously,

and I'm gonna
stop gettin'

(bleep) out by
random dudes.

I want stability, I wanna
hang out with a guy

that has a six-figure
income and a good job.

Suck his D
all the time."

I know, I got it.

♪

♪ You know I hate to
see you leavin'... ♪

How many do you have?

Oh, know, this is,
um-- I got this silver--

like it was just
part of the toys.

No, children, how many
children do you have?

Hello?

(boy)
Mom, I never seen
somebody do that before.

I'm not a mom!

You ever seen
someone that's tired?

I don't sit there and
say, "I bet you're a mom

'cause you
have a kid."

I'm not a mom,
I'm a grown-ass woman!

I deserve respect,
I know what I want...

(smoke alarm beeping)

No, no, no, no!
Oh! Damn it!

No, no, no!

No, no!

(screaming)

Ilana, I am like,
I'm so sorry.

Like, this is insane.

I would-- this is not
somethin' I would do.

Like, I would
not do this.

Maybe it's the nitrous
or maybe it's the weed,

but, uh, I don't care.

You just...

Doc?
Yeah?

What's the ol' damage
on the pearly--

Don't touch
the tooth yet!
Okay, okay.

I got it, got it.
There's no damage.

I'm not charging you,
first tooth is on me.

Lincoln... I can't.

You can't-- I can't have
you pay my medical bills.

That's like--
All right, well,

a new veneer
costs $1,400.

Thank you so much!

That's, like, really,
really sweet.

Thank you.

It's okay,
it's okay.

♪

How you doin'?

I am, uh, doing my taxes,
as you can see, and I just

need a manila envelope
to seal the deal.

I just want a plain one,
not one of your guys'.

No offense.
None taken.

I hate this place.
Oh.

Could just use
the recycling bin.

It's right there.

I don't know, maybe not copy
all the garbage to begin with.

Wasteful.

Packing a pillow
with packing peanuts,

'cause that's
necessary!

What do you pack packing
peanuts with, pillows?

Pillows are nature's
packing peanuts!

(man whispering)
Abbi.

No, you're
the fools!

You're garbage people
living on garbage island!

Did you hear that?

Who are you,
Joe Mainstreet?

I am not a mom!

She's had a lot
of sugar today.

Yeah.

Abbi, are you okay?

You're having
a literal tantrum.

I don't know, I just
gotta get home.

Like, I just smoked so much
weed my stomach really hurts.

Like, I think I kicked
somebody in the face.

No, that was
a cardboard cutout.

It's all good.

I just-- this is why
I can't have my own weed.

It's the same thing as ice
cream, and like cough syrup.

I just-- I just smoke so much,
and then I just go nuts,

like I can't have
it in the house.

I mean I have to keep
bumming off of you.

That's fine, dude.

I love it!
It's my pleasure.

If it makes you
feel any better,

I'm sending these
taxes to my parents.

I have to.

I'm not gonna be a tax expert
overnight, you know?

It's a process, we're all
going through a process.

You know, last year they
got me $600 back, so.

I think they might just
be sending you money.

They're just
sending you money.

I think you're
very wrong.

No, I think I'm right.

I just wanna get home
and watch my shows.

I need you to
take this pot.

I can't even, like,
have it on--

Okay, there's
a cop dog-- okay.

Just-- Jesus!
Okay.

Ilana, you gotta
take this.

You gotta take it.

I am stuffed to
the gills, dude.

You got this.

You're a big girl.

C'mon.

It's just not fair.

C'mon, hurry up,
bitch.

If you are not too dry,
cause that would hurt.

That's disgusting.

You're just loving it,
aren't you?

Give it a couple
of minutes,

and I think you will
enjoy yourself as well.

I'm telling you
once it settles,

it starts to hit
different points.

I'm feeling feverish.

Does it go
through the bag?

long my nails are.

It makes me feel
really feminine.

And I like that my eyes
are really big and brown.

(Ilana)
I love your eyes, too.

(Abbi)
No, you have to say
something about yourself.

(Ilana)
Oh-- something I love about
myself is-- rain or shine,

thick or thin-- if
I have to take a dump,

I can go anywhere--
outside, inside,

sometimes
even on queue.

(Abbi)
I don't know,
I'm picky.

I like it
to be quiet.

I can't have a lot
of people around.

You know what's the
biggest luxury?

Pooping when
no one's home.

(Ilana)
Oh, my God, yes, especially
when it's not your own house.

(Abbi)
Wait, what?

(woman)
Hey!

You guys can't be here
if you don't have dogs!

We have dogs!
We got dogs!

Where are your dogs?

Where are your dogs?

Right here!

Well, all right.

Just...
Yeah, well, great.

Happy-- I'm so
happy for you.

You know, we're not
gonna molest your dogs!

Unless we were dogs!