Broad City (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Fattest Asses - full transcript

Oh, my goodness.

This dude Brian Nicholera
I went to high school with

just friended me, he just moved
here. Oh, my God.

People from high school
only friend you, like,

after business hours if they wanna hook up.

Really? I had a huge crush on him.

Oh, you should ask him
out. I can't just do that.

Oh, my God, he "likes" "Roseanne."

Okay, this is--

This is your new sexual partner.

All right, I'm asking him out.



I'm just gonna do it. Do it.

This is so great.

Like, why are we waiting for
guys to come to us, Ilana?

Did Amelia Earhart wait to be

asked to fly around the world?

Definitely not.

She asked.

And then they said no.

But she still did it.

And she died, but she, like, died doing it.

(Abbi) Exactly.

I'm doing it again,
I'm asking someone else out.

This is the Abbi I love and fell in love with

and I'm obsessed with.



Skylar Cummings- Conkelmann,

I used to babysit for him.

He was adorable.

He's...

Yeah, he's 20, that's acceptable.

Troy Megliarino.

He spent a hot sec in jail,
but he lives in South Jersey

and I know he'd steal a car
and come up for the night.

Chris Wazcyleski, he was a nude model

in my life drawing class and he, like,

always angled himself out to me.

Chad Michael Fong.

We met at a hardware
store, he was disgusting.

You know, I'm picking all
white dudes right now.

I must be craving pink dick.

I'm gonna go with this.

(Abbi) Okay, who else, who else?

Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow
all through middle school

and then he started waxing it
and all of a sudden it was like,

glasses off, you're (bleep) gorgeous.

It's like "She's All That."

I feel like I'm on coke right now.

P.J. Mallory.

Bobby Cornhauser.

Johnny Fissinger. Danny McCarrow.

Ryan Long.

Rod White.

We are, like, feminist heroes right now.

So, okay, that's 36 guys

that we've been rejected by and one lady.

Okay, so what, dude? You know what?

The Internet is so '90s.

Let's go find some guys IRL.

You know, you can just say "in real life."

It's the same number of syllables.

♪ Four and three and two and one-one ♪

♪

♪ Go in the city and we
shiver close to the fire ♪

I'm from Philly.

Philadelphia.

When I was five, I was actually an extra

in the movie "Philadelphia."

It filmed right near my dad's office.

So I learned about AIDS
before a lot of my friends.

Yeah, this is her.

There's Abbi again.

Ugh, Abbi in outdoor lighting.

We're best friends, and so, it's--

it's like, cool, you know.

Cell phones are so close to being perfect,

except that I just miss that there's like a--

Dial tone. Dial tone.

Yes, are you kidding me? No, yeah.

You're trying to make a
connection with someone

and there's no sound anymore.

It's just like, hi, you're there.

It's needed. Can I get your number?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, just put it in my phone. Okay.

Freeze, ass (bleep),
don't move, don't breathe.

When was the last time you were tested?

Uh, last week? Oh, my God, great.

Okay, she's gonna want to
shower first, probably,

and you know, just be patient, okay? Okay.

Great.

Hey, dude.

You should have a sex with him.

Tonight. Oh, yeah, what?

Hey, Ilana.

Hi. Yeah.

So, all right, I'm out.

You're just giving up?

On the-- on the pink?

Bitch, please.

I haven't even started yet.

Oh.

♪

Bitch!

She's really fun. Yeah.

Yeah, no, she seems nice.

Do you want to get a drink tomorrow? Yeah.

Cool, I'll text you. Okay.

You're not one of those hot girls that says

she's gonna text and then doesn't, right?

Are you still talking to me? Yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm not.

I mean, I-- I will text back.

Great. Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow. Okay, bye.

Was anyone filming that?

I'm the hot girl at this bar.

Me, me is.

Yes-- calling my mom.

Where's my phone? Okay.

Okay, where's my phone?

Sir, have you seen a--

Is there a missing phone?

So this is it.

Nice apartment.

(Ilana) Thanks.

Got any roommates?

Yeah, but his abuela's in
the hospital, which sucks,

but "Silver Linings Playbook,"
we have the place to ourselves.

Dayum!

That penis is pink.

There's something I should tell you.

I'm bisexual.

That is true masculinity.

You are truly evolved and I am truly wet.

Just tell me you don't shave down there.

Can you pick me up? Can you lift me up?

Has anyone seen a phone?

Is there a phone?

(woman) Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Where is my phone?

I lose my phone all the time, too.

I mean, I don't, like, lose it,

lose it, I just, like, I see it

fall into the toilet, but...

Okay.

Could you turn the music off, please?

Maybe when you turn it back
on, some '90s hip-hop?

Something cool.

Okay, you guys, listen.

I lost my phone.

This guy is supposed to text me.

He called me hot.

So I'm cute, but you guys get it.

Can you guys help me find it?

Yes.

I'm gonna need you to link arms.

We're gonna sweep the bar.

Mind if we take a break and I
go down on you for 45 minutes?

Don't ever let society change you.

Yes, dude!

So the volume's up louder than
before, but we should keep

searching, 'cause I would
do it if it was your phone.

No, sorry.

We've all moved on.

♪

(Abbi) This is Abbi, leave a message. (beep)

Hey, this is Abbi, leave a message. (beep)

Leave a message. (beep)

Dude, I'm gonna be so pissed if you're dead,

you've got to call me back.

I'm freaking out.

Morning, beautiful. Hi.

You're--

You're really good at sex.

Thanks, you too. Thanks.

So I'm doing a show
tonight if you wanna come.

That's hot, you know, maybe.

You know, I want to, I'm sorry, I just--

I'm pretty sure my best friend
is dead right now and I am

the one who let her go home with a stranger.

She doesn't have, like,
street smarts like me, you know,

and no upper body strength.

I gotta go, text me about it.

Shut the door when you leave.

It's "Tyler," right? Yeah.

Hey, where at you?

I'm at that dog shelter.

Lincoln, just get a dog.

Ilana, I can't inflict upon a dog

the crazy life of a dentist.

Anyway, Abbi's not picking
up any of her calls,

so I'm pretty sure she's dead.

I need you to be my eyes and ears here.

Stay on the local news,
they only cover rapes and murders.

She didn't even say "bye, Lincoln."

That takes one more second.

People have no phone etiquette these days.

Abbi!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What? You wouldn't pick up your phone.

I thought you got SVU'd.

No, dude, I'm fine, I just lost my phone.

Remember that hot dude at the bar?

He was supposed to text
me, so now, I'm, like,

never gonna hear from him again.

Oh, my God.

You should use the FindMyPhone app.

I watch myself run around
the city all the time on it.

Oh, okay, well, we'll just do that.

There's my phone, I knew it was stolen.

Ugh. Okay, it's in Harlem.

Great, let's go track it down.

No, wait, wait, wait, it's moving south.

It's in the Upper East Side. Oh, dude.

I-- I don't want to go there. Must we?

My son-in-law's such a disgrace.

He went to Cornell.

I'm fine with the tsunami,
but not in St. Bart's.

Anywhere else is fine.

It's the tenth horse that died this year.

That's ten horses I've had to replace.

Why does anybody come up here?

It is a horrible, vapid wasteland.

Um, excuse me, where's the Met?

Oh, right down here, you make a right.

Yeah, you can't miss it. Thank you.

Okay, your phone's heading west.

We gotta hustle, 'cause Tyler's show's

at 8:00 and I just bet he's the drummer.

What are we supposed to do up here, like,

get a caricature or something?

(Ilana) Abbi, you should
really wear a ball gown IRL.

(Abbi) Ilana, come on,
my soul mate could've texted me.

We've gotta get my phone,
someone here has it.

You know what? I'll call it,

listen for the vibration. Okay.

It's ringing.

Ooh!

Oh, my God, I thought this was my bag.

I had this-- this--

I had one.

This is mine, though.

This is the mine, this is easy to--

Okay Ab, I have an idea and it's hot.

Ilana.

Are you kidding me? Ilana, stop.

No, this park is full of pervs.

Get ready, because everybody's gonna whip

their phone out. Dude.

and we're gonna find yours in
three, two, one. Oh, my God.

Okay. Find your phone.

(Abbi) All right, you're doing this
right now, okay. Find your phone.

This is crazy right now.

Only in NYC!

If I were you, I'd pull my
phone out and take a pic!

Why is no one taking a picture of her?

That girl's been here for hours.

(Abbi) All right, well, I understand that.

Oh, my God, the dot is over water.

What? Oh, the lake.

All right.

What, are we following,
like, some sort of duck?

Hey, one of you stole our phone.

We know you're in here!

We live in an ugly city of monsters.

The dot's moving south.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

♪

We're close, dude.

I can, like, smell it.

Yeah, we just have to find it.

Like, I need to get it,
'cause I-- Wait, stop.

Times Square, ew!

We can't go in here, dude,
it's-- it's too disgusting.

Ilana, we have to, he called me hot.

Like, we're going in.

What?

Oh, my God. What?

It's gone.

Oh, my God.

I bet my battery died.

I'm never gonna see him again, I mean.

I am so sorry, dude.

It's gonna be unfair to whoever I marry,

because I'll probably,

like, always compare them to Ben.

It's gonna just tear us apart immediately,

or throughout.

We could go to Tyler's show.

I think he's in a boy band, so.

All right, just give me a sec.

Goodbye, Ben something.

I think-- I guess we'll
always have that beer.

I thought it was--

It was fun, it was just fun, you know?

It just, like, fit, and I felt like-- Move!

Oh! Jesus.

What?

(bleep) you both, you yuppie trash! No, what?

Tax the rich!

Dude, I-- I thought he was in a band.

I didn't know this was gonna
be, like an improv show.

Yeah, me too, I don't know.

What's hotter than a pink
dick with a sense of humor?

I mean, a black dick, but...

You know that you're so anti-racist sometimes

that you're actually really racist?

Huh.

(man) All right, thank you all for coming.

We are Statutory Crepe.

Everything you're about to
see will be fully improvised.

All we need to get started is one word.

(man) Eggroll! I heard "eggroll."

Dude.

Mom. Yes, son?

I need to talk to you about my penis.

Yes, son?

I love answering questions about penises,

even though I have a vagina!

Ha ha ha!

How much for this shirt? I can--

One million dollars.

I'm embarrassed that I'm here.

I'm embarrassed that he was inside of me.

(animal noises)

I'm not watching this by myself, get--

(Ilana) You should come down here.

Sit in your seat, you brought me here.

Oh, my God.

Scene!

We're gonna take a quick break and be back

with another hour of Statutory Crepe!

Woohoo!

(Ilana) Oh, my God, that was the
worst thing I've ever seen.

I feel like I've been hate-crimed.

Oh, my God! The dot's back!

(Abbi) Ew, it's still in Times Square!

I bet the freak was seeing a play

and turned it off to be polite.

Oh, my God, dude.

Times Square, Central Park?

Upper East Side, means it's a tourist.

Ew!

The dot's moving down Eighth Ave.

What tourist spot is down there?

I don't know, but let's get out of here

before Jerry Lewis sees you again.

(Ilana) Oh, my God, oh!

I've been pulled back in.

It's too-- I can't-- I can't not.

I can't say no.

Okay, you go with Dr. Evil, because

I just figured out where
the thief took my phone,

the last place every tourist goes.

The airport? No, not--

Not literally the last place.

Magnolia Bakery.

Right, right, right, right. Right?

Yeah, do it. Okay, I'm going.

Get your hot piece. All right, I'm going.

Get it.

Hey!

Oh! Oh.

(woman) Wait, you guys don't have wine?

What about white wine?

You, you have my phone.

Oh, my God, hey!

How did you find out about this place?

I thought it was a secret.

Okay, can you please check
your bag for my phone?

This is, like, an emergency.

Oh, my God, look, a Mike and Ike.

Oh, no, wait, that was, like, a pinto bean.

High-five. All right.

You know what?

I'm gonna help you out, okay great, great.

So this is my phone, this is your phone.

My phone, your phone, okay?

There's two. Oh, my God.

I must have taken that on incident.

I swear.

Like, that makes sense 'cause I called

my mom and she was like,

way nicer than usual.

I've been following you, like, all day today,

I don't know how you didn't
feel this vibrating at all.

This purse is enormous.

I carry it to make me look petite.

Oh, my God, Ben texted me.

Okay, 11:00.

That's eight minutes.

Okay.

You know what? I'm gonna get
a large banana pudding.

Great, and she's gonna pay for it.

Awesome.

Wait, are you kidding?

Wait, do you guys have red wine?

(woman) Are you serious? This is a bakery.

♪ Can you make me go ooh ooh ooh ahh ♪

Can I get a one-word suggestion?

I heard "cunnilingus."

I've got a turtle head poking out!

We also have lobster in the shell.

No.

I am a robot and I'm programmed to be horny.

I made a poopy in my dipey.

Oh, stop-- no, stop.

What's wrong?

Honestly, dude?

You are so gorgeous and
sexually skilled it's scary,

but your improv show was just not good.

That was one of our best shows.

Shut up, you're an idiot.

All right, (bleep) you.

Thank you for your services.

But seriously, thank you for
your services, they were good.

Whoa, whoa, just--

Don't put your shirt on before you leave.

What's the point?

I'm so sorry.

Ben!

(Ben) Oh, Abbi!

Yes.

Just give me a second.

Oh, yeah.

Just look away, I just need--

I ate banana pudding, I just--

I offer clients incentives
to stay with the bank, so.

Cool.

You know, I used to have an office

that didn't have a window.

They just moved me into
an office with a window.

Oh, that's great.

I mean, it's much better to have a window.

Much better, I look out all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

Um so have you been here before?

I have.

About a year ago.

Or... it was like two years ago.

Cool. Or, no.

That was like a year ago.

13 months, 14, 13 months, 14 months.

(phone vibrating)

What's up, dude?

They just found a dead
girl on Riker's Island.

Was it Abbi?

Oh, no, no, no.

Abbi's fine, I've been with her all day.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

I was worried, Abbi's my friend too.

I was so worried, I baked a whole cake.

And then I ate a whole cake.

I'm-- I'm really sorry.

You know, I got another cake cooking.

You can come over and we can eat it.

Or just smash our faces into it.

♪

He was so boring.

He told me the rules to some
game, Settlers of Catan,

for like, 40 minutes.

Oh, God, that should take,
like, ten minutes, tops.

Don't worry, you'll have
sexual intercourse very soon.

Oh, no, I still slept with him.

Oh! (Abbi) Yeah!

Nice-- and you know what?

I had a really sweet day with you, dude.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, I'm glad you're not dead, Abbi.

Thanks, Lincoln.

All right, so it is time for us to do it.

Okay, wait, I want to watch.

I know you do, 'cause you're
a naughty little girl.

Let's do this.

Oh, man.

Uh-oh, someone's making a cake mess.

You know what's good for that?

Is if you just get a napkin or a paper towel,

or a thick napkin--

(Ilana) Oh, my God. It's just--

(Ilana) Please stop.

Thanks. Okay.

Goodbye.

(Ilana) Bye!

And learn Settlers of Catan.

It's honestly not that hard.

Allright, do a face that I hate.

Oh.

Oh, my God, it won't let me--

It says my storage is full.

That sucks for you.

What is...

Look at this.

Hi, baby.

I am in a boat.

Oh, my God, I love this city.

Where is Central Park?

(man) You're in it. Oh, my God.

Central Perk.

The one with Gunther.

And "Smelly Cat"?

(mumbling)

Baby...

I have a sweet surprise for you.

Here it comes.

She's gonna jerk off.

No, no, no, no, no, we shouldn't watch it.

Ilana, we should not watch it.

This is not a time for
prudeness, Abbi. Okay, fine!

So you ready?

(coughing)

Oh.

That was... you know?

That was phenomenal. Oh, my God.

Send that to my burner phone, that last one.

You have a burner phone?

You didn't know that? No.

Why do you have that?

For dick pics and sex media in general.

Why would you need a phone from, like,

"The Wire" for that?

I'm still on my family plan
and I don't fully understand

the cloud and I don't trust it.

I mean, I can't risk having
just dicks floating around.

I feel like they're gonna, like,

pop up on my parents' phone one day.

How many dicks are floating around?

You're counting a lot.

Like, in the late 20s?