Broad City (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Last Supper - full transcript

All right, he's a 6.

Oh, totally a 6.
Yum!

Oh, he's a 7.

No way!
5 1/2, tops.

Ouch! Okay,
that's harsh, right?

No, that's what I like about it.

Okay.

He's a 10.
I mean, look at him.

Eww, dude, a 10?!

Like, get away!

I can't believe
you're into that.



I hope he's, like,
seven inches max.

Inches? I thought we were
rating them on hotness.

I thought we were
rating them on dick size.

Why would we be rating
them on dick size?

Abbi, why wouldn't we be
rating them on dick size?

It's all I can see.

Those b-ball shorts
are God's gift.

If you train your eyes,
you can see their religion.

♪ Break the cork
and bring the funk ♪

♪ Come on, boy, break the cork
and bring the funk ♪

Hey, ladies,

your staring is making some of
the guys feel uncomfortable.

Seven.

♪ Four and three and two and one ♪



Ohh.

Damn-a!

I've never been to
a restaurant this nice.

I've never even worked at
a restaurant this nice.

I read their molten lava
cake is "life-changing."

Perfect for your birthday.

Oprah says that your
birthday dictates

the kind of year
you're about to have.

I haven't eaten a thing
in the past 36 hours

in order to be able to,
like, really stuff myself

with as much expensive
food as possible.

It's gonna raise my
market value, like, so much.

I'm gonna have a high
high-end year.

I've been overeating this week

and then emptying
myself with laxatives.

It's been working really well.

Too well.

My underwear
is filled--

Good evening, mademoiselles.

Hi.
Enchante, uh, monsieur.

My dad--
my father figure

has made a reservation
under Abbi Abrams for two.

I believe his payment card
should be on file.

We are on celebration...

for my birthday.

Oh, how wonderful.

May I take your coats?

Please... do.

Here you go.

Would you care to keep
your jacket, Madame?

It looks like you may be cold.

I'm perfect.

Loving the temp.

You look amazing.
You look amazing.

Stop it.
Give me a spin.

I feel amazing.
Give me a spin.

Oof! Oof! Love it.

So, uh, I know that B-Z,
Beyonce and Jay-Z,

ate here recently,

and, um, we would really love

to be seated at their table.

Of course you would.

I like him.
Yeah.

So, where did, um, Beyonce sit

and where did Jay sit exactly?

Uh, yes,
Ms. Knowles sat here

and Mr. Carter
sat here.

Do you freak out when
celebrities come in here?

Yes. That's why
I love my job.

Enjoy your meals.
Thank you.

Oh, wait! Are--
Are you Beyonce or Jay-Z?

Part of me feels like
I would be Jay-Z,

but then I know that you would
maybe want to be a dude.

You're right.

And Beyonce and I do
have similar curves.

Oh, yes.
You're B, I'm Jay.

I'm Jay.

Hello.
My name is John.

I'll be your server tonight.

Hi, John.
Hi, John.

I understand you lovely
ladies will be having

the seafood prix
fixe dinner this evening.

Excellent. Before we
get started,

are there any food allergies
you'd like me to know about?

Yeah, peanut allergies
are a really big deal.

You gotta be careful,
they can be so fatal.

Gluten, which I think
is like an adult human thing

across the board--
No.

I actually meant if you
have any food allergies

you'd like me to know about.

No, none that I, uh,
want to share with you.

Well, allow me to tell you
about our first course.

It is a local pureed chard

that is topped with poached crab

and then splashed with
a really yummy ramp dressing.

I love yummy ramps.

Oh, I love, um, chards.

We like to say here that ramp

is the truffle of onions.

It's a dumb little joke.

We like to say that, too.

That's funny.

Now have you guys
been to Octavia before?

No, we are poppin' our cherry.

Wow.

Well, you just let me
do the driving.

I'm gonna take excellent care

of you guys tonight.

Okay.
Once again...

je m'appelle John,
and bonne anniversaire.

Oh, thank you.

Wow.

He's tall and he's bilingual?

I'm short and I can't
speak English good.

He probably has a French press

and one of those things
that in the bathroom

you clean your butthole with.

Oh, a bidet.
A bidet.

He's so classy.

Totally.

You're bad-mouthing me
to Anton now?

You cannot find one minute

to go pick my sister up
at the airport?

Tell her fat
ass to flag down a cab

like a person.

My sister is
an ex-junkie, John, okay?

She needs someone to
pick her up,

she can't be unsupervised.
Jesus Christ, she's a grown woman.

She can't be babysat
her whole life, Cheryl.

Well, thank you so much
for the support.

Support? Tell her to give
back the laptop she stole.

She never stole that!

You have no proof that she--
Are you kidding me?

You need to wake up.
What? You're crazy.

I don't know that she gave
us bedbugs for sure,

but I'm pretty damn positive.

This is why I wanted
you to go to Al Anon.

Salmon, we got onion rings,
we got a gumbo.

How's the steak doing?

Every once in a while,
I like a finger.

Amen.

Nose, vagina, butthole.

If God didn't want us to
put our fingers in there,

then why did She make them
perfectly finger-sized?

Exactly, that's
what they're for.

And here's your
amuse-bouche.

Enjoy, ladies.

Your 26th year is
starting off so badass

it is blowing my mind.

It is, right?

I had slightly
above-average sex last night,

which for me, you know,
is incredible sex.

For most.

You know what?
To Doug.

For turning you out.

I planned it so that
we were doing it

at the stroke of midnight,
as I turned 26.

You have given yourself a truly

spiritual sexual experience.

You know, I just feel,
like, really good inside.

You know what?
I gotta pee.

I'll be right back.

And how is everything so far?

So delicious.

I just want to thank you
for your service

and your joie de, uh...

jooge.

Oh, well, it's my pleasure.

Ours, too, as well.

Mmm. So soft.

I just peed out a condom.

Clams Persimmico
in a gold leaf glaze.

Bon appetit.

Thank you so much.
This looks incredible.

May I grab you another fork?

This is perfect, thank you.

Well, hello,
my fancy girl--

No, don't, I'm not fancy,
I'm disgusting.

I went to the bathroom,
and then--

and then I was
going to the bathroom,

and then a condom
fell out of me.

Did you pee it or poop it?

I peed it.

Why'd you immediately go there?

I didn't poop it, dude.

Hey, it's 2014.

Anal's on the menu.

I can't even believe that,
like, I didn't notice it.

I was, like, very present,
you know?

I don't know how
he didn't notice it.

It happens to everybody.

Has it happened to you?
No.

Everything I've done
has happened to you.

Not yet is what I meant to say.

So what? You're a nasty
bitch, who cares?

All right.
Let's go get high,

and then we can enjoy this
clams Filipino even more.

Okay.
That's a good idea.

Hi, would you mind making sure

they don't take those clams?

Thank you.

You know, I know you're
in your head, but...

this birthday
is a maje improvement

from last year's.

Yeah, well,
I shouldn't have tried

to throw myself
a surprise party.

You should have tried.
It was a mistake.

Hi.

Want a hit?

Thanks for the food.

It's amazingly delicious.

I don't prepare the food.

I just, uh, clear the plates.

Yeah, but... you know.

You know what I've been
thinking about?

Every animal,

from every movie
we've loved as a kid,

probably dead.

Think about it. Air Bud - dead.

All 101 Dalmatians
are probably dead.

I guess Babe
from "Babe" is dead.

Ooh, we could have
eaten Babe tonight.

Well, maybe not.

Pigs live longer than dogs.

I think they might live
longer than humans?

I think that's turtles.

Tramp, from
"Lady and the Tramp."

Tramp's a cartoon.

I know that.

She was for real.
I know that it was a cartoon.

Uh, I gotta go, but thanks.

No worries.

Hey, and I know you
didn't make the food,

but... you will one day.

Uh... thanks.

You know, that Tramp was
my first sexual crush.

He was hot. He was like
a spunky bad boy.

You know who
was mine? Stimpy.

Stimpy from "Ren and Stimpy"?

Yeah, I feel like he has
a similar build to Lincoln.

Huh.

They left your clams.

The world is good, dude.

Ilana, hold on, are you okay?

Your face is like really red

and your eye is blowing up.

Full disclosure:

I'm a little allergic
to shellfish.

That's all we've been
eating tonight.

I really know my body, dude.

I go up to the edge
and then I scale it back.

I'm good at it, honestly.

It looks worse
than it is, I feel great.

How do I not know that
you're allergic to shellfish?

You don't know
everything about me.

I feel like I do.

You text me every time
you take a dump.

I know about the pimple
on your nipple

and I'm, like, the holder
of your Social Security card.

I have mystery, too.

I haven't even told you yet

that I want to put my fist

in our waiter's mouth sexually.

I feel like he only has sex
on top of baby grands.

Oh, my God.

He's so classy.

You know what? Maybe I should
find a girlfriend

who will actually
come see my band play.

John, I told you when we
met that I hate music.

What kind of weirdo
hates music, Cheryl?

Mario, we see you in the corner.

Everybody can tell
that you're stoned.

Don't listen to her, Mario.

Smoke all the weed you want, bro.
How dare you!

Don't forget whose name
is on the lease.

"How dare you?"

You know what? I'll cancel
the cable,

then have fun figuring out

what happens on "Homeland,"
you gross baby.

I need a 42.

I need an onion ring,

I need a tagliatelle
with light sauce.

All right.

Here is the shellfish medley.

I'm really excited
for you guys to try this.

We have crab three ways
and lobster nine ways.

Get in my belly!

You guys are a kick.

Oh, man.

Anyway, like I was saying,

I know I can't really sing.

Mmm, but I feel like if I
had, like, private lessons

and learned how to, like,
really breathe,

then I could, like,
I could sing really well.

Mm-hmm.

But don't repeat that
to anybody.

I won't.

Oh, my gosh.
Ilana, Doug's calling.

Pick it up.
Tell him...

not to leave his trash
inside your body.

I'm gonna.
I'll be right back.

You get it, girl.

I had a really
good time last night.

Yeah, so did I,

until I came
to this really fancy restaurant

for my birthday and I peed
out a condom.

Ohh! What?

Yeah, I know.

Did you not notice that
you were missing a condom?

We didn't use
a condom last night,

so, no, I wasn't keeping track.

What?!
Oh, sorry.

We didn't
use a condom--

I heard you.

What do you mean
we didn't use a condom?

I took it off.
I thought you saw.

No, I didn't see that.

Because, like a lady,

I keep my eyes closed
when I make love.

You're a condom girl.

I will make a note
of that for next time.

There's not gonna be
a next time.

Are you sure, Abbi?

No, I'm not sure,

'cause I'm not sure
about anything.

Something just
fell out of my body,

so I gotta go deal with that,

and you need to deal
with me dealing with that.

Well, you do what
you got to do, girl.

All right, well, maybe
I'll talk to you soon.

You will.

Okay.

Seafood turducken.

We have a small Maine clam

inside the mouth of a lobster

inside a larger Maine clam.

Yum.

Seafood paradise.

All righty.
You know, I'm gonna

suck on those legs
a little longer, so...

Thanks so much.

Oh, my God, Ilana,
your face looks insane.

Hey, this is what living on
the edge looks like.

It's not that bad.
I could still wink, see?

Yeah, this is pretty bad.

But honestly, I know my limit.

I'm just pacing myself
for that lava cake.

Okay, you've absolutely
reached the limit.

Your face looks like
the underbelly of a tugboat.

Listen, we are here

celebrating your birthday, okay?

Yeah, and for my birthday

I would love
for you to stay alive.

Abbi, I am a veteran
of this game.

I got three to
three and a half servings

of shellfish left in me.
I feel it.

And then my throat's
gonna start to close up

and you'll just stab me
with an epi pen.

It's not a big deal.

Where am I getting an epi pen?

From my clutch.
Durr!

So you planned on having me
stab you with an epi pen?

You know, stop trying
to change the subject.

What did Doug say to you
on the phone?

Okay, so, it turns out that, um,

he wasn't wearing
a condom last night.

What?!

It had to have been the condom

from the other night
with boring Ben,

which means that...

there was a condom
in my person for four days.

Normally, I would be overjoyed

that you had sex
twice in one week.

Okay, I could have sworn
that he was--

You could have sworn what?

Not only are we
talking STDs here,

I can't even imagine
how many dudes

would love to lock you down
with an unexpected pregnancy.

I mean,
what do you think--

All right,
the Alaskan king crab stew.

And I do hope
you ladies enjoy it.

Thank you so much, John.

Eww.

I mean, your body is a temple.

You've got to respect it.

Ilana, stop, that's enough.

No, enough.
Hey, two more bites. It is so expensive.

Ilana, stop eating--
okay.

We're not doing this anymore.

No, one more, one more.

Come on, take this pen.
Hey!

No, no!
Ilana, take the pen.

Aah! God!

I stabbed myself.

I just stabbed myself!

Whoo!

Adrenaline!

I... could actually
take that pen.

I feel so alive right now!

What's going on?

Ilana, I got you, girl.

It's my birthday,
I'm the king of the world!

Wait, wait.

We'll take those two
molten lava cakes to go.

26, 26!

Yes, thank you,
I need an ambulance

to Octavia restaurant, please.

Why don't you have the ambulance

drop you off
at a mental hospital?

Because you're a crazy person.

I hope you die in your sleep.

I am gonna die because
you're killing me slowly.

Yes, it's an allergic
reaction to seafood.

Speak clearly.
Someone is dying.

Mm-hmm.
Unbelievable.

I'm king of the world!

Abbi, you are the love
of my... life.

Sorry.

Yes.

Ohh!

We got this.

Okay.

You know what I was
thinking about?

I have no clue.

After tonight, I realized

we gotta get back into
our bucket list, dude.

Yes.
We let it go for too long.

I don't want to wait
till we're dead

to actually get to it.

I have them, I'll pull them up.

There's a lot on here.

I think we need
to make some edits.

Why?
What's on there?

Okay, mine - own an elliptical.

Go to a pug farm.

I just want to, like, lay
with, like, a lot of pugs.

You know?

Do heroin under
the aurora borealis.

Okay, so none of those can go.

Good luck editing.

What are some of mine?
Okay.

Make your own Passover Seder.

To be able to squirt.

Hello.
Okay.

To be held in Abbi's arms.

You did that tonight.
Ohh.

You carried me.

Yeah.
Guess I'm pretty strong.

Who knew?

Mr. Rosenberg?

Mr. Rosenberg.
He's not breathing.

Blue team to the ER.

Draw four units
of ACE inhibitors.

Blood pressure dropping.

60 over 30.

One milligram of epinephrine in.

Get the pads.

Paddles charging, clear.

Patient not responsive.

Clear!

Time of death, 2:47 AM.

You know what another
one of mine is?

To be an Asian girl.

To be one?

I mean, if technology
ever allows for it,

I'd actually love
a crack at every race.

Huh.

All right,
I'll add it to the list.

I'm just gonna say it.

First night
of my 26th year--

pee out a condom,
go to the hospital.

I think that that means that this
year is just gonna be really--

Fun and cool and fresh?

Well, I was gonna say
awesome, but yeah.

Okay, it will be, except

I will be imposing
the strictest condom policies.

From now on, you will be
sending me a picture

of every dick that
you are about to... host

wearing a condom.

Deal?
No deal.

Oh, my God.

Do you know who's at the top
of my mom's gross sex list?

Howie Mandel.

Wait, your mom has
a gross sex list?

Yeah, my whole family does.

We play this game,
it is hysterical.

Who is the grossest person

you still kind of want
to have sex with?

Oh, okay, well,
mine would--

Mine would obviously--
It just, um, it can't be a cartoon.

Okay. Well...

Okay...

Mmm... O.J.

Yeah, yeah.

Definitely O.J.

Oh, my God!

Dude, in his day,
he was a solid man.

Like, he was a 10.
Oh, he was gorgeous.

He was a 10.
No, no, no.

He was on the cover
of magazines and stuff.

I'm just, like, floored by
what a good answer that is

and you've never
played this before.

I have never even
thought of a murderer.

Okay, how about you?

Okay, my last one
was, uh, David Blaine.

David Blaine?!

That's so gross, but I feel like

he cuts off
his breathing so much

he's gotta be uninhibited.

He would let me do anything.

Yeah, he would, like,
pull out a tooth or something.

Anything you want
to do to David Blaine

he'll let you do.

I'd, like, penetrate him.

But my newest one is,
um, the Six Flags guy.

He's like--
Right off the bus?

Yeah, he's like...

No way, he's like...

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you can do that in heels.

But, like, a lot faster.

He does that with his arms.

He's, like, so rubbery.

Hold up, though, dude.

We've got
to go back to O.J.