Brassic (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Episode #3.8 - full transcript
The gang come together to help as Vinnie and Erin find themselves cornered by McCann.
This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour.
- Do you know what I think?
- What?
I think I could make you
really happy.
I'd love you, care for you.
I'd be a brilliant dad
to Tyler, you know.
And everything would be amazing...
34 percent of the time.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- A brigadier?
- A brigadier.
There was an army colonel for a bit,
but he popped his clogs,
then there is a mayor's wife,
I drop off for her once a week.
Honestly, it is fucking harmless.
Medicinal is what it is,
- this lady has got MS here.
- You're
basically the local doctor then.
I am Doctor Vinnie
PHDizzel.
PHD. What the fuck
does that stand for, PHD?
I have no idea.
I think the D is Doctor?
No, I don't think it is.
Wait till you see
the smile on her face. Honestly,
watch how much joy I bring
to our Linda. Linda!
- It's open.
- Y'alright, love?
Do I look alright? These seat
sores are the bane of my life,
will you get me cushion and
slide it under?
Yeah, can Sammy help?
Yeah. Hiya, love.
- Hi, Linda.
- You the new
girlfriend, then?
Shut up, gobshite. For godsake.
Last girlfriend I had
had bloody pig tails.
- Kinky.
- He's a good one,
this one, Sammy.
Keep hold of him. Heart of gold.
Trying to get out of paying for the
- weed?Yeah.
- Is that what it is?
Come on, on three. On 3.
1, 2, 3. (HORN BEEPS) Wah!
All right, one more. 1, 2, 3.
(HORN BEEPS)
- Help me.
- What the hell
have you got there?
- Never mind that, get the legs.
- Legs?
Dylan, can we use upstairs?
What for?
What the fuck does it look like?
Advanti...
Honestly, not a clue.
Are you ready for this? Gentlemen,
this is the latest high-tech
all-singing, all-dancing addition
to my newly renovated erotic venue.
- Sex dungeon.
- It's not a
fucking dungeon, Dylan.
- It's underground, Tommo.
- That's what
I got now that Erin's got into bed
with McCann. Jesus fucking Christ.
Anyway, I thought to myself,
Tommo, onwards and upwards. In
with the new and so, on that note,
gentlemen, I would like to introduce
you to...
- Alison.Wow.
- She's...
Fuckable?(STUTTERING)
Freaky?
- Life like.
- Well, that's
the whole point, innit?
100 percent thermoplastic.
Built-in pulsating vagina,
depth of seven inches.
Is that it, yeah?
Metal skeleton.
Real feel, no funny smells.
Anal depth, 6.7 inches.
Oral depth, five inches.
It's deep, yeah. Deep.
So my questions to you, lads is
this, which one of you lucky boys
is going to test drive her?
You are fucking kidding me.
- I wouldn't fit in that.
- JJ.
Like I'm gonna fuck Alison behind
- Sugar's back.
- Cardi. Cardi. Cardi.
- I will pay you.
- Why don't you do it?
- She's not my type, is she?
- What do
you mean, not your type?
Well, she's not human for a start.
That's the point though, isn't it?
If you must know, I've been
having these fucking nightmares.
Freaky fucking dreams. Honestly,
they have put me off my game.
I wake up in a blind panic.
What happens in the dreams?
I'm fast asleep, in my dream,
in my own bed.
Or at least it seems
like my own bed,
except it feels like satin sheets,
whereas I would always plumb
for Egyptian cotton.
And I become aware
that I'm being caressed,
softly, under the covers
like, not unpleasant, but the
sensation starts to bring me round,
and I half open my eyes as I become
more aware of my surroundings,
I pull back the covers to remind
myself who I'm in bed with...
and it's only then I see...
(SCREAMS)
- Erin?
- Honestly, chaps,
I am exhausted,
a shadow of my former self. Drinking
to knock myself out at night.
- Have you tried wanking?
- Of course
I've fucking tried wanking, Ash.
It's my first point of call in any
situation.
But you try getting it up when there
is a threat of a fucking
pupil-less Erin looming over you.
Probably just anxiety,
cos you guys fell out.
Why don't you
- just make up?
- Yeah.
Maybe. But I don't need her,
do I, Cardi?
Cos I have got this lovely lady,
so, the question remains,
who is volunteering?
Did I or did I not say,
pulsating vagina?
My dad was never really around,
my mum used to say he
was away working.
Turns out he was actually inside,
either that
or off on one of his idiot schemes.
How old were you when your mum left?
Seven.
- That's so little.
- Mmm.
Christ, I wonder sometimes whether
that is half the reason
I am they way I am.
I mean, my brain is just...
Christ, it is fucked.
I have to take pills, you know.
It's a fucking shame.
You are bonny in the woods.
- Fuck off.
- You do, you suit them.
I like it. Bet you missed it here
when you were inside?
- I did, yeah.
- What were
you actually in for?
Something to do with a burial?
It's a long story, that one.
I'm not going anywhere.
(SIGHS)
It's better I don't tell
you about it, keep you safe.
This fella, Terence McCann, he is
just a piece of work.
The guy Erin works for?
He's just not a nice guy.
He fucking hurts people, you know.
And that is the last thing I want
happening to you, so...
- Hi, Albie.
- Hi.
It'll only be for an hour
- while I do some work.
- Has he brought
- a game?
- Yeah, got Connect Four.
- I love Connect Four.
- I know you
do and you're good at it as well.
Have a good time, yeah.
- Bye, Albie.
- Bye.
(KNOCKING)
What's going on?
Department of Environment.
This erection you are living in is
- here illegally.
- What?
This land has been sold, and your
erection... Come on now, you,
with your erections... Has to be
removed within seven days.
Hey, hang on a minute...
It's all in there.
Fuck me, I've been here years, man.
Yeah, illegally.
It's the fucking woods, people don't
- own the woods.
- They do now.
- Seven days.
- Alright.
Shit.
Jimbo?
Oh! Fuck are you two
old cunts doing?
- What does it like?
- It looks like
you are fondling up a ginger horse.
There you are, then. We are
entering the East Lancs show
and this time we're gonna
fucking win.
We've set aside our previous
differences to come together
- in a common cause.
- It's like when
Batman and The Joker worked together
- to defeat Owlman.
- Owlman,
was it, it was fucking Penguin.
- Owlman.Penguin.Owlman.
- Penguin.
Oi! For fuck's sake. I need help.
The fucking council have sold the
land on. They are gonna kick me out
my fucking shack. I have got seven
- days lads.
- They can't do that.
- Well, apparently, they can.
- That's
right on the edge of my farm,
that's classic woodland. There's
fucking rare bluebells down there,
little fucking dormice
- and chiff chaffs.
- That's right,
I saw a willow warbler down there
- just last week.
- Listen,
fuck, it's my home. I can't live in
a fucking house.
What the fuck am I gonna do?
Help me out, for fuck sake.
Hey, what about your secret club.
You're always bragging
that you know MPs and council
- members.
- Alright, well what's this
secret club, then, Shirley?
- It's a secret.
- He's a mason.
- Prove it.
- Well, then, fuck,
Shirley, have a word for me, man.
No can do, sorry. We have very
strict rules against that kind of
- thing.
- Fuck.
In fact forget I was ever here,
forget this conversation
ever took place.
Oi, Paslowski...your secret
friends are cunts.
Your secret friends are cunts!
I haven't got any secret friends.
But if you did,
they'd be cunts!
Three illegal operations.
Weed grow, Rat and Cutter,
car garage,
we hit them all at the same time.
We want to catch them in the act so
the timing is vital. Samantha.
I'm working on it. I'd say
I'm pretty close
to being able to provide a hit time.
We're gonna take these scroats down.
And when we've got them,
we'll make them squeal about
that bastard McCann.
(BANGING)
Erin! Erin!
Albie? Where's Tyler?
He's gone. I've lost him.
He just disappeared.
Tyler?
- Tyler!
- Have you seen him?
No, it's McCann, Vinnie,
I know it is.
All because of that 30 fucking
- grand.
- Albie, listen to me,
did he get in a car with any men?
- He can't remember.
- I can't remember.
It's alright. It's alright. Erm, why
was he at the fucking shops anyway?
He went to get Tyler some sweets,
I didn't tell him he couldn't.
- I'm sorry.
- No. No. No, sweetheart.
It's not your fault.
- It's alright.
- I'm really worried,
Vin. I'll have to call the police.
What if they hurt him?
Oi, listen, calm down a bit.
I'm gonna get him back.
I'll get him back today,
I promise you. Everything is gonna
be alright. I promise, sweetheart.
(PHONE RINGING)
Shit, it's Sugar. Shug!
(SIGHS) He's at home. He's at home.
Thank fuck for that. Christ.
They said I had to go because you
needed me home.
They used your name
so I thought they knew you.
- Did they say anything?
- No. They just
asked me if I knew my Uncle Terence.
Alright, well you are home now so it
doesn't matter but listen to me.
Don't ever get in a strange car
with people you don't know ever
again. Right? Not unless Mummy says.
- Yeah.
- OK. You are a good lad.
Eat your biscuits.
MCCANN (VOICEMAIL): You have reached
Terence McCann. Please leave a
message after the beep.
I don't know about this, Vin.
Kidnapping's not really our thing,
- is it?
- We're sending a message,
Ashley. I wouldn't mind
but they bloody know me these two.
(SINGING)
(SIGHS) That's enough.
Girls. Oi. Oi. Oi. You don't
even know what a narwhal is, do you?
- What is a narwhal?
- It's a whale with
a horn. It's for breaking up ice.
- Is it?Where's the fat one?
- Now,
girls, that's not nice, is it.
No, it's not, so it's not.
We'll be drinking a pint of Guinness
with me leprechaun.(GIRLS LAUGH)
♪ Narwhals, narwhals,
swimming in the ocean...
Just make the call, will you?
Oi, that is enough.
(PHONE RINGING)
(PHONE PINGS)
Right, now before you start going
out of your fucking mind,
they're fine. In fact, they are
extremely annoying
and it is me that
is fucking traumatised.
Take them... Take them
fucking home now.
Ah, now you see, you sound
cross there.
I was pretty fucking furious too
when you had a word with my child.
Your child? You and Erin?
Jesus Christ, yes, me and Erin.
We had a one-night stand thing.
I am warning you, man,
threaten me as much as you want, but
involve my kid with summat like this
again and I will fucking murder you.
- Erin owes me 30 grand.
- Right,
- and you will get it.
- When?
Fucking soon.
You've got until the end of the
fucking week. Put them on the phone.
- No.
- You fucking lay a hand on those
girls, and I swear... Listen to you,
I am not a fucking monster like you,
I wouldn't hurt a child, I am
proving a fucking point.
Proving a fucking point? You're a
dead cunt. You were nearly dead
before this stunt, but now you are
fucking dead.
And that bitch that bore your
child is fucking dead.
And that boy I will leave a fucking
orphan! Now take them home!
- How did it go?Not great.
- Right.
Let's drop them off.
Vinnie was telling me all about why
he went to prison. Crazy.
Yeah.
Were you there, when Tillerton
had his accident?
Er...yeah. Yeah. But you know,
that's all behind us now.
Vinnie's done his time,
it's all forgotten.
Must be dead scary though,
Erin still working with McCann?
And you two didn't...? Fuck.
Shit, it's broken.
Sorry, hi, you OK?
(BELL DINGS)
Oh, it's you. What do you want?
What the fuck is that in your hand?
- An ear.
- Why would you bring and ear
to the front of house?
I mean, this is your establishment,
man. I could have been
a grieving family member.
You know, lost my husband
or summat. I walk in here and
there is a one-eyed fucking pirate
- with a severed ear in his hand.
- It's
not severed, in fact, the reason
I'm holding it is cos of the way
he died. The man had his entire head
squashed under the wheel of an
articulated lorry.
Caved like a melon.
But staggeringly,
the ear came out unscathed.
That is staggering.
Which is why it's going
in my trophy cabinet.
What are you on about, trophy
- cabinet?
- Body parts that have
fascinating stories connected to
their deaths. Like a 3-D diary
- kind of thing.
- For fuck...
Shut up. You've got the body parts
of people's loved ones in a cabinet?
The man's head was squashed
to mush under a fucking truck,
do you really think his family
are gonna care whether I keep his
fucking ear in formaldehyde?
- What did you come here for anyway?
- I
need to get your Stephen to bell me,
it's about his dad.
McCann, why?
I need him to organise some sort of
- a truce.
- With his dad, unlikely.
He thinks he's an effeminate artist.
Yeah.
Well, can you get him to bell me?
Behold, the trophy cellar.
What the fuck?
What do you think?
What do you mean, "what do I think"?
I think you are a fucking lunatic,
is what I think.
Look at the state of this shit. What
- the fuck are these here?
- Brain.
Ah, fuck me. A foot.
What is with the tongue?
What is that all about?
Wife cut it out after she caught
her husband giving cunnilingus
to the baby sitter. He bled
- to death.
- This is fucked.
- Beautiful.
- Get it away.
It's gonna look well there.
Are them bollocks there? What are
- they saying?
- That's a funny story.
There was this barbed wire fence-
You know, don't. Fuck me.
That's the end of that story. Start
and the end, barbed wire fence.
Big fucking slit down the centre of
it. Jesus wept.
- What's under that?
- Oh, that's
nothing, empty, forget about it.
- Come on.
- Alright.
(SCREAMING)
Ah! No. No.
- I told you not to look.
- You were
meant to fucking cremate that dude.
That is not... That is evidence.
No one's gonna find it.
Besides, it's a great story. Head
clean off, sewn on to another body.
- It's my second favourite.
- Second
favourite. That's nothing but
trouble.
You'll fucking burn it.
Say I don't?
Alright, alright, for fuck's sake.
I am heartbroken.
I want you to know that.
Fuck! Burn it!
Burn it.
Oi, get Stephen to bell me.
(EXHALES) Sammy, I know you're
working, but I just...
I dunno, I just...
I dunno, actually.
I just wanted you to know
that I'm thinking of you.
I am sorry it's a shit message.
Already.
Just...if you want, give
us a bell tomorrow or summat.
We can try and link up. Erm,
erm, fuck. Bye.
Bye, then. You fucking turd.
Shit.
(SIGHS)
Mmm. (RUSTLING)
Hello?
Shit.
- Oh, you fucker!
- Alright, Vin.
You great dickhead, what the fuck
are you doing in there?
(CLEARS THROAT)
I need a bit of company, mate.
It's my head, these fucking dreams,
I can't be on me own.
Right, then fucking come on, then.
Cheers, mate.
Fucking hell, dude, what's that?
She is jaundice yellow.
She looks startled.
I am not fucking test
driving that.
Just a quickie, fanny, funbags.
She was reduced for a quick sale,
so I'm worried there might be
- hidden damage.
- Fuck me.
Hidden damage?
Baggy arse or summat,
I don't know.
Christ, and what are you gonna be
doing while I am humping the life
- out of this?
- I'll go for a walk,
- won't I? Twiddle about.
- Fuck that,
dude, I am not shagging that thing.
Jesus fucking Christ, Vincent,
it's a free shag and I can't
even fucking give it away.
I suppose you are having your needs
attended to by the scrumptious
Samantha?
Well, not really.
Hmm?
Have you, err...?
(WHISTLES)
Not exactly, no.
Not exactly?
Well, not...fuck me, not at all.
Has she sucked you off?
Dude, I am not supposed to...
tell you shit like that.
Not supposed to. Hey, hey, hey,
look who you are talking to, mate,
I am a broken man.
This year I've had fucking hell,
dignity robbed,
livelihood stripped away from me.
The least you can do, right,
is enlighten your mate with the
details of your mucky mucky love
life.
Now, then, have you had a go
on the mammaries?
- Yes.
- Right. Naked or through
- clothes?
- Through clothes.
- What about the man's pubis?
- Uh-uh.
- Not yet.
- Not even through clothes?
Not even a dry hump?
No, I haven't dry humped.
We've kissed. We have had a smooch
up, but that is about it.
It's just about connection
for now, you know.
She likes me. And I like her.
I tell her I am a bi-polar fuck up,
she listens and tells me I am not.
I think I feel something for her.
(CHUCKLES)
Fair enough.
Now, then, what's your
policy on spooning?
I can't have your willy near my bum.
- I won't sleep.
- Fine, you spoon me.
Next question, may I sleep
in the altogether?
Dude, no.
That is a firm no.
Jesus fucking Christ, when did you
get to be such a fucking prude?
When I have to sleep with
my midget mate naked.
I tell you what... What?
It's actually quite cosy,
- this place, ain't it?
- Yeah.
I don't mind telling you.
I used to think it was a bit
of a shithole.
Well, if that removal order
comes through
I will be out on my
fucking ear, won't I?
Oh, aye. Do you want any help
with that?
I used to spank a bloke that works
in the town hall. Actually, no,
come to think about it,
he works in sanitation.
Do you know that fucking Shirley's
a mason.
Yeah. Jim told me about it.
Knows all these people on the
fucking council.
Said, will you give us a hand?
Told me to fuck myself. Blonde twat!
- Shirley.
- Yeah.
Because I seem to recall that
Shirley's a sleepwalker, in't he?
- Hmm.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Cos the thing about sleepwalkers,
Vincent, is...
people get up to all sorts
- in their sleep, don't they?
- Hmm.
(CHUCKLES)
Shit.
Right, go on.
Now, then, a few lewd poses, right,
enough for your standard
blackmail job.
There we go. Get snapping.
- Fuck.
- Right, he's going for it.
Jesus, he's rampant.
We shouldn't be watching this, lads.
Fuck, dude.
Fucking hell,
he's not actually.
Oh, poor Alison.
Poor me, more like,
I've gotta clean her out.
Jesus Christ, I hope
he don't rip her.
Oh, fucking hell! Fuck, dude.
(SHIRLEY MOANING)
How do you make it do that?
Good Lord, nobody should have to go
through that. Poor Alison.
Alright, Dyldo?
What are you doing here?
I need to talk to you, man. Alone.
- What the fuck is going on?
- Dude,
I don't know how to tell you this.
Dude, honestly, you are
making me fucking nervous.
- What's going on, Dyl?
- Erm...
- It's Samantha.
- What about her?
I don't know who she is.
I don't know what she is,
but you can't fucking trust her.
What are you talking about?
She started asking loads of
questions behind the bar,
and I were fucking...
I were careful, after what
happened with Sara,
I kept my gob shut, but it just
bothered me,
and then I accidentally knocked her
bag over and found this...
It's not a lighter,
it's a fuck... it's a microphone.
(RECORDING PLAYS ON LAPTOP)
SAM: How
old were you when your mam left?
- Seven.
- So little.
Christ, I wonder sometimes whether
that is half the reason I am the way
I am. I mean, my brain is just...
Christ, it's fucked.
I have to take pills, you know.
Fucking shame.
You are bonny in the woods.
I like it.
I bet you miss...(RECORDING STOPS)
(SIGHS)
- Who is she?
- I dunno, man.
She could be a cop, maybe?
An investigator?
I fucked up.
How could you know, man.
None of us knew.
She seems fantastic.
Dyl, I don't know what I fucking
- said to her.
- I mean, you know.
You were careful, but they know
about the weed grow.
- I trusted her.
- I know, dude.
I'm sorry, man.
She fucking lied. She told me things
about her fucking past,
her family and...
She kissed me.
I liked her.
I really liked her.
I am never trusting
an outsider again.
I think we've got a problem.
What do you want?
Want to know if you'll reconsider
speaking to your mason pals
- to help Vinnie's shack.
- No.
I won't, and there's nothing you
can say or do
that will make me change my mind.
Oh, really?
(SHIRLEY MOANING ON PHONE)
- Hi. JJ.
- Hey.
- Dylan, how's it going?
- Good, yeah,
- how are you?
- Yeah, great, thanks.
Sandra's asked us to bring down the
new optics from the function room,
can you come give me a hand?
Yeah, no worries.
Get up to anything last night after
- you left here?
- Nah,
just stayed at home,
quiet one. How about you?
Yeah, same, I was wrecked. It's hard
work, this place.
Hello.(DOOR LOCKS)
What are you up to?
What's going on?
Who the fuck are you?
- What?
- Who are you working for?
Who do I work for? I work here.
Do you think I am a cunt?
It's a funny little
thing, that. There you go.
Come on.
So why have you been doing
that, then?
Why have you been recording
all our chats?
Because I like to remember them,
I like to have nice moments.
Look at me.
I really fucking fell for you.
Do you know that?
I let you in.
And I am really lonely.
You knew, didn't you?
Vin, can we speak alone?
No.
(SIGHS) Look at these people
with me now.
They are all I have ever known.
I don't have anybody else,
they are my entire family.
And if you fucked me over,
fucking look at them.
You have fucked
them over too, haven't you?
Are you police?
Yeah.
Is it Slater?
What have you told him?
Fucking, what have you
- told him?
- Everything.
- Right.
- Listen... I started to
like you,
I did, I swear, it started as a job
but then I got feelings and...
She's lying.
- I'm not.
- Say anything to get out
of this room now, won't you?
Vinnie, I swear... I told you about
my mum, didn't I?
And my dad.
Look, Slater wants you guys, but he
wants McCann, too.
So if you let me,
I can help you.
- We can't trust you.
- Dylan, please,
they're planning a raid,
they've done surveillance but they
need me to tell them the right time.
We let her now and she's gonna go
squealing straight to the cops.
I won't, Vin, I swear.
Trust me.
Why the fuck, after all this,
why would you help us, eh?
- Why would you?
- Because...
..you've got a good heart.
(CLAMOURING)
(SIRENS BLARE, TYRES SCREECH)
All units standby unless active or
urgent. Entry team forward.
POLICE: Armed police, stand
still and show me your hands.
Armed police!
Police. (CLAMOURING)
Morning, lads.
Armed police.
- What the fuck?
- POLICE (ON RADIO):
Premise clear. No arrests made.
Fuck! Fuck's sake!
Armed police, do not move!
Can I come in for a minute?
I am unarmed, I am unarmed.
You alright?
I have to be honest,
you have, I mean,
Jesus, Carl, you have fucked me...
Can I sit down? Can I sit down?
Oh, God. Carl, I have got to hand it
to you, man,
you have royally fucked me over.
I am fucking heartbroken with the
Sam thing. I had no idea, man.
- Seems like you did.
- Well, yeah,
but fuck me, only just, dude.
Christ lads, you were really
bloody close. Really close.
Yeah. But anyway you have done
really well,
I think you have fucked me right
over and I just don't want you
hanging on my back for the rest of
my life so...fair cop.
- Alright, what's going on?
- Nothing.
Crap. Cuff him.
Now, back in the van.
- Leave him here.
- But sir...
Leave him and go. I'll be fine.
Oh, be my fucking guest,
Vin, have a seat.
We've known each other a long time,
- haven't we, Vinnie?
- Since school.
So I'm quietly confident that
this behaviour
is wildly out of character.
Vincent O'Neill
doesn't just give himself up and
then happily walk back to prison,
- does he?
- Dude, I just don't think
I'll get that long inside.
In all truth, Carl, I won't, and
I have fucking been there before
and it is just not that bad so it
makes no difference,
lock me up and the rest,
- why not?
- What's going on, Vin?
Carl, mate, you're on a fucking
revenge mission. I get it.
You don't like me. You know I was a
fucking horrible cunt to you
in school, I called you a dog bummer
and it stuck.
It can't have helped.
I always had a posse of mates
and you struggled a bit,
you were always on your own. But you
couldn't possibly hurt me more
than me.
Carl, listen to me. With no agenda,
I am a fucking nobody.
Pathetic, mentally ill
dickhead criminal
for the arse end of nowhere.
If you want people talking your name
you best land yourself a much
- bigger fish.
- Oh, I intend to.
Right. Well...
it just so happens I could help you
out with that.
But I'm gonna want
some guarantees.
- I don't do deals, Vin.
- Sound enough,
forget the whole thing. No worries.
You stay here.
Come on. I managed to
get hold of 5K.
I've borrowed two grand from
the Crow's Nest.
And I've put in the money I was
gonna use to restart my sex dungeon.
- Thanks, Tommo.
- Pleasure. Just...
stay out of my dreams.
Well, we're still way too short.
Even with the club money
- that's only 19k.
- Shit.
I'll lend you the rest.
I've got it.
I'll get it back. It's fine.
Dad, before you say anything, Erin
wants a chance to apologise.
How do you know her?
Through business.
She's a good person,
and she has your money.
Mister McCann, I am really,
really, sorry.
I just want to put things right.
Dad, can we come in?
TWINS: You're cheating.
You can't catch me.
I will catch you.
I've got you already.
- Sorry, can I just go to the loo?
- No.
Course you can
use the fucking loo.
- You're cheating.
- No, I am not.
Yes, you are.
You are a cheater.
Hi, girls.
BOTH: Hi, Stevie.
Hey, why don't we go inside
cos it is starting to rain?
Ouch. Can we go inside, please?
Fight with us.
- Pussy.
- Later, I will fight with you
- later. Come on.
- No!
And you're not coming in our room.
I don't wanna get in your stupid
room anyway.
- Cos it smells.
- Your room smells.
I don't care cos I am gonna go in
and I'm gonna mess up
all your stuff. I am.
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, I am.
I am coming. I am coming.
You upset me, Erin.
I don't like rejection.
You had that prick
O'Neill inside you.
Had his baby, and you have the
fucking temerity to reject me.
I appreciate the money back,
but you're done.
Terence...
You're done.
When you least fucking expect it,
you and that arsehole O'Neill will
get what's coming to you.
Mister McCann... Shh.
(TWINS ARGUING)
(GROANS, SIGHS)
(URINE TRICKLING)
(SIGHS)
- Dad!
- Fuck's sake...
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(TWINS ARGUING)
Stop...
(WHISPERS) That way, that way, go!
Fuck's sake.
You always take their side.
- All good?
- Yeah.
Mission accomplished.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Nice one, Stevie.
Thank God for that.
- I'm scared.
- Hey, don't be.
Listen to me.
If that works out,
we'll be free of him, hun.
Will we though?
Erm... I'm sorry about Samantha.
It's alright. You know,
all the things I did with her,
I'd show her the woods,
and where I used to play
when I was little,
and the whole bloody time,
all I could think was I wished
it was you.
Vin... I know. I know.
I know. It's fine.
I always think about
what you whispered.
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
(SIGHS)
I just want to do what's
best for Tyler.
I have to do what's
best for our boy.
Come here.
(DOOR SMASHES) (GIRLS SCREAMING)
POLICE: Show me your hands now!
Turn around!
Well, well, well.
What on Earth's this doing here?
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Fuck.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Fuck off, dude.
Get gone.
Sorry, lads, time's up.
This erection has to come down.
(ALL YELLING) Oi! Stop it!
No, don't!
That's enough, you Irish cunts.
What's all this?
What does it look like?
Looks like two old twats
running through a wood holding
- paper.
- Fuck are you asking for then?
Cease and desist, signed by the
deputy head of planning
at the council,
- Nigel Perrywater.
- You what?
And I have written
authorisation that this erection
can stay exactly where it is.
Alright. Early breakfast, boys.
(CHEERING)
- Celebration?
- Let's go the pub.
- Jim's buying.
- Erin, Erin,
come down to the pub
and make sure you bring bloody Sugar
with you. Shirley saved the shack.
Shirley and Jim.
Christ, my God,
it's a really good day, so...
come and have a drink.
(SIGHS)
- Alright, Sug?
- Alright, Vin.
Is Erin in?
- I've no idea.
- Is she not in. No?
- I've only just got up.
- Erin?
Er- Erin?
Ty... Tyler... What's going on?
- Fuck!
- Oh, my God.
- She's gone.What?
- She's fucking
gone. She's gone.
(SOBBING)
ERIN: 'My darling Vinnie, you are
the dad to our beautiful son
and an amazing friend.
But I am scared,
so I have to go.
I need a fresh start somewhere
that I know he is safe.
I'm so sorry.
I will miss you forever.
And I hope you can forgive me.'
(WHISPERS) 34% was always enough.
language and adult humour.
- Do you know what I think?
- What?
I think I could make you
really happy.
I'd love you, care for you.
I'd be a brilliant dad
to Tyler, you know.
And everything would be amazing...
34 percent of the time.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- A brigadier?
- A brigadier.
There was an army colonel for a bit,
but he popped his clogs,
then there is a mayor's wife,
I drop off for her once a week.
Honestly, it is fucking harmless.
Medicinal is what it is,
- this lady has got MS here.
- You're
basically the local doctor then.
I am Doctor Vinnie
PHDizzel.
PHD. What the fuck
does that stand for, PHD?
I have no idea.
I think the D is Doctor?
No, I don't think it is.
Wait till you see
the smile on her face. Honestly,
watch how much joy I bring
to our Linda. Linda!
- It's open.
- Y'alright, love?
Do I look alright? These seat
sores are the bane of my life,
will you get me cushion and
slide it under?
Yeah, can Sammy help?
Yeah. Hiya, love.
- Hi, Linda.
- You the new
girlfriend, then?
Shut up, gobshite. For godsake.
Last girlfriend I had
had bloody pig tails.
- Kinky.
- He's a good one,
this one, Sammy.
Keep hold of him. Heart of gold.
Trying to get out of paying for the
- weed?Yeah.
- Is that what it is?
Come on, on three. On 3.
1, 2, 3. (HORN BEEPS) Wah!
All right, one more. 1, 2, 3.
(HORN BEEPS)
- Help me.
- What the hell
have you got there?
- Never mind that, get the legs.
- Legs?
Dylan, can we use upstairs?
What for?
What the fuck does it look like?
Advanti...
Honestly, not a clue.
Are you ready for this? Gentlemen,
this is the latest high-tech
all-singing, all-dancing addition
to my newly renovated erotic venue.
- Sex dungeon.
- It's not a
fucking dungeon, Dylan.
- It's underground, Tommo.
- That's what
I got now that Erin's got into bed
with McCann. Jesus fucking Christ.
Anyway, I thought to myself,
Tommo, onwards and upwards. In
with the new and so, on that note,
gentlemen, I would like to introduce
you to...
- Alison.Wow.
- She's...
Fuckable?(STUTTERING)
Freaky?
- Life like.
- Well, that's
the whole point, innit?
100 percent thermoplastic.
Built-in pulsating vagina,
depth of seven inches.
Is that it, yeah?
Metal skeleton.
Real feel, no funny smells.
Anal depth, 6.7 inches.
Oral depth, five inches.
It's deep, yeah. Deep.
So my questions to you, lads is
this, which one of you lucky boys
is going to test drive her?
You are fucking kidding me.
- I wouldn't fit in that.
- JJ.
Like I'm gonna fuck Alison behind
- Sugar's back.
- Cardi. Cardi. Cardi.
- I will pay you.
- Why don't you do it?
- She's not my type, is she?
- What do
you mean, not your type?
Well, she's not human for a start.
That's the point though, isn't it?
If you must know, I've been
having these fucking nightmares.
Freaky fucking dreams. Honestly,
they have put me off my game.
I wake up in a blind panic.
What happens in the dreams?
I'm fast asleep, in my dream,
in my own bed.
Or at least it seems
like my own bed,
except it feels like satin sheets,
whereas I would always plumb
for Egyptian cotton.
And I become aware
that I'm being caressed,
softly, under the covers
like, not unpleasant, but the
sensation starts to bring me round,
and I half open my eyes as I become
more aware of my surroundings,
I pull back the covers to remind
myself who I'm in bed with...
and it's only then I see...
(SCREAMS)
- Erin?
- Honestly, chaps,
I am exhausted,
a shadow of my former self. Drinking
to knock myself out at night.
- Have you tried wanking?
- Of course
I've fucking tried wanking, Ash.
It's my first point of call in any
situation.
But you try getting it up when there
is a threat of a fucking
pupil-less Erin looming over you.
Probably just anxiety,
cos you guys fell out.
Why don't you
- just make up?
- Yeah.
Maybe. But I don't need her,
do I, Cardi?
Cos I have got this lovely lady,
so, the question remains,
who is volunteering?
Did I or did I not say,
pulsating vagina?
My dad was never really around,
my mum used to say he
was away working.
Turns out he was actually inside,
either that
or off on one of his idiot schemes.
How old were you when your mum left?
Seven.
- That's so little.
- Mmm.
Christ, I wonder sometimes whether
that is half the reason
I am they way I am.
I mean, my brain is just...
Christ, it is fucked.
I have to take pills, you know.
It's a fucking shame.
You are bonny in the woods.
- Fuck off.
- You do, you suit them.
I like it. Bet you missed it here
when you were inside?
- I did, yeah.
- What were
you actually in for?
Something to do with a burial?
It's a long story, that one.
I'm not going anywhere.
(SIGHS)
It's better I don't tell
you about it, keep you safe.
This fella, Terence McCann, he is
just a piece of work.
The guy Erin works for?
He's just not a nice guy.
He fucking hurts people, you know.
And that is the last thing I want
happening to you, so...
- Hi, Albie.
- Hi.
It'll only be for an hour
- while I do some work.
- Has he brought
- a game?
- Yeah, got Connect Four.
- I love Connect Four.
- I know you
do and you're good at it as well.
Have a good time, yeah.
- Bye, Albie.
- Bye.
(KNOCKING)
What's going on?
Department of Environment.
This erection you are living in is
- here illegally.
- What?
This land has been sold, and your
erection... Come on now, you,
with your erections... Has to be
removed within seven days.
Hey, hang on a minute...
It's all in there.
Fuck me, I've been here years, man.
Yeah, illegally.
It's the fucking woods, people don't
- own the woods.
- They do now.
- Seven days.
- Alright.
Shit.
Jimbo?
Oh! Fuck are you two
old cunts doing?
- What does it like?
- It looks like
you are fondling up a ginger horse.
There you are, then. We are
entering the East Lancs show
and this time we're gonna
fucking win.
We've set aside our previous
differences to come together
- in a common cause.
- It's like when
Batman and The Joker worked together
- to defeat Owlman.
- Owlman,
was it, it was fucking Penguin.
- Owlman.Penguin.Owlman.
- Penguin.
Oi! For fuck's sake. I need help.
The fucking council have sold the
land on. They are gonna kick me out
my fucking shack. I have got seven
- days lads.
- They can't do that.
- Well, apparently, they can.
- That's
right on the edge of my farm,
that's classic woodland. There's
fucking rare bluebells down there,
little fucking dormice
- and chiff chaffs.
- That's right,
I saw a willow warbler down there
- just last week.
- Listen,
fuck, it's my home. I can't live in
a fucking house.
What the fuck am I gonna do?
Help me out, for fuck sake.
Hey, what about your secret club.
You're always bragging
that you know MPs and council
- members.
- Alright, well what's this
secret club, then, Shirley?
- It's a secret.
- He's a mason.
- Prove it.
- Well, then, fuck,
Shirley, have a word for me, man.
No can do, sorry. We have very
strict rules against that kind of
- thing.
- Fuck.
In fact forget I was ever here,
forget this conversation
ever took place.
Oi, Paslowski...your secret
friends are cunts.
Your secret friends are cunts!
I haven't got any secret friends.
But if you did,
they'd be cunts!
Three illegal operations.
Weed grow, Rat and Cutter,
car garage,
we hit them all at the same time.
We want to catch them in the act so
the timing is vital. Samantha.
I'm working on it. I'd say
I'm pretty close
to being able to provide a hit time.
We're gonna take these scroats down.
And when we've got them,
we'll make them squeal about
that bastard McCann.
(BANGING)
Erin! Erin!
Albie? Where's Tyler?
He's gone. I've lost him.
He just disappeared.
Tyler?
- Tyler!
- Have you seen him?
No, it's McCann, Vinnie,
I know it is.
All because of that 30 fucking
- grand.
- Albie, listen to me,
did he get in a car with any men?
- He can't remember.
- I can't remember.
It's alright. It's alright. Erm, why
was he at the fucking shops anyway?
He went to get Tyler some sweets,
I didn't tell him he couldn't.
- I'm sorry.
- No. No. No, sweetheart.
It's not your fault.
- It's alright.
- I'm really worried,
Vin. I'll have to call the police.
What if they hurt him?
Oi, listen, calm down a bit.
I'm gonna get him back.
I'll get him back today,
I promise you. Everything is gonna
be alright. I promise, sweetheart.
(PHONE RINGING)
Shit, it's Sugar. Shug!
(SIGHS) He's at home. He's at home.
Thank fuck for that. Christ.
They said I had to go because you
needed me home.
They used your name
so I thought they knew you.
- Did they say anything?
- No. They just
asked me if I knew my Uncle Terence.
Alright, well you are home now so it
doesn't matter but listen to me.
Don't ever get in a strange car
with people you don't know ever
again. Right? Not unless Mummy says.
- Yeah.
- OK. You are a good lad.
Eat your biscuits.
MCCANN (VOICEMAIL): You have reached
Terence McCann. Please leave a
message after the beep.
I don't know about this, Vin.
Kidnapping's not really our thing,
- is it?
- We're sending a message,
Ashley. I wouldn't mind
but they bloody know me these two.
(SINGING)
(SIGHS) That's enough.
Girls. Oi. Oi. Oi. You don't
even know what a narwhal is, do you?
- What is a narwhal?
- It's a whale with
a horn. It's for breaking up ice.
- Is it?Where's the fat one?
- Now,
girls, that's not nice, is it.
No, it's not, so it's not.
We'll be drinking a pint of Guinness
with me leprechaun.(GIRLS LAUGH)
♪ Narwhals, narwhals,
swimming in the ocean...
Just make the call, will you?
Oi, that is enough.
(PHONE RINGING)
(PHONE PINGS)
Right, now before you start going
out of your fucking mind,
they're fine. In fact, they are
extremely annoying
and it is me that
is fucking traumatised.
Take them... Take them
fucking home now.
Ah, now you see, you sound
cross there.
I was pretty fucking furious too
when you had a word with my child.
Your child? You and Erin?
Jesus Christ, yes, me and Erin.
We had a one-night stand thing.
I am warning you, man,
threaten me as much as you want, but
involve my kid with summat like this
again and I will fucking murder you.
- Erin owes me 30 grand.
- Right,
- and you will get it.
- When?
Fucking soon.
You've got until the end of the
fucking week. Put them on the phone.
- No.
- You fucking lay a hand on those
girls, and I swear... Listen to you,
I am not a fucking monster like you,
I wouldn't hurt a child, I am
proving a fucking point.
Proving a fucking point? You're a
dead cunt. You were nearly dead
before this stunt, but now you are
fucking dead.
And that bitch that bore your
child is fucking dead.
And that boy I will leave a fucking
orphan! Now take them home!
- How did it go?Not great.
- Right.
Let's drop them off.
Vinnie was telling me all about why
he went to prison. Crazy.
Yeah.
Were you there, when Tillerton
had his accident?
Er...yeah. Yeah. But you know,
that's all behind us now.
Vinnie's done his time,
it's all forgotten.
Must be dead scary though,
Erin still working with McCann?
And you two didn't...? Fuck.
Shit, it's broken.
Sorry, hi, you OK?
(BELL DINGS)
Oh, it's you. What do you want?
What the fuck is that in your hand?
- An ear.
- Why would you bring and ear
to the front of house?
I mean, this is your establishment,
man. I could have been
a grieving family member.
You know, lost my husband
or summat. I walk in here and
there is a one-eyed fucking pirate
- with a severed ear in his hand.
- It's
not severed, in fact, the reason
I'm holding it is cos of the way
he died. The man had his entire head
squashed under the wheel of an
articulated lorry.
Caved like a melon.
But staggeringly,
the ear came out unscathed.
That is staggering.
Which is why it's going
in my trophy cabinet.
What are you on about, trophy
- cabinet?
- Body parts that have
fascinating stories connected to
their deaths. Like a 3-D diary
- kind of thing.
- For fuck...
Shut up. You've got the body parts
of people's loved ones in a cabinet?
The man's head was squashed
to mush under a fucking truck,
do you really think his family
are gonna care whether I keep his
fucking ear in formaldehyde?
- What did you come here for anyway?
- I
need to get your Stephen to bell me,
it's about his dad.
McCann, why?
I need him to organise some sort of
- a truce.
- With his dad, unlikely.
He thinks he's an effeminate artist.
Yeah.
Well, can you get him to bell me?
Behold, the trophy cellar.
What the fuck?
What do you think?
What do you mean, "what do I think"?
I think you are a fucking lunatic,
is what I think.
Look at the state of this shit. What
- the fuck are these here?
- Brain.
Ah, fuck me. A foot.
What is with the tongue?
What is that all about?
Wife cut it out after she caught
her husband giving cunnilingus
to the baby sitter. He bled
- to death.
- This is fucked.
- Beautiful.
- Get it away.
It's gonna look well there.
Are them bollocks there? What are
- they saying?
- That's a funny story.
There was this barbed wire fence-
You know, don't. Fuck me.
That's the end of that story. Start
and the end, barbed wire fence.
Big fucking slit down the centre of
it. Jesus wept.
- What's under that?
- Oh, that's
nothing, empty, forget about it.
- Come on.
- Alright.
(SCREAMING)
Ah! No. No.
- I told you not to look.
- You were
meant to fucking cremate that dude.
That is not... That is evidence.
No one's gonna find it.
Besides, it's a great story. Head
clean off, sewn on to another body.
- It's my second favourite.
- Second
favourite. That's nothing but
trouble.
You'll fucking burn it.
Say I don't?
Alright, alright, for fuck's sake.
I am heartbroken.
I want you to know that.
Fuck! Burn it!
Burn it.
Oi, get Stephen to bell me.
(EXHALES) Sammy, I know you're
working, but I just...
I dunno, I just...
I dunno, actually.
I just wanted you to know
that I'm thinking of you.
I am sorry it's a shit message.
Already.
Just...if you want, give
us a bell tomorrow or summat.
We can try and link up. Erm,
erm, fuck. Bye.
Bye, then. You fucking turd.
Shit.
(SIGHS)
Mmm. (RUSTLING)
Hello?
Shit.
- Oh, you fucker!
- Alright, Vin.
You great dickhead, what the fuck
are you doing in there?
(CLEARS THROAT)
I need a bit of company, mate.
It's my head, these fucking dreams,
I can't be on me own.
Right, then fucking come on, then.
Cheers, mate.
Fucking hell, dude, what's that?
She is jaundice yellow.
She looks startled.
I am not fucking test
driving that.
Just a quickie, fanny, funbags.
She was reduced for a quick sale,
so I'm worried there might be
- hidden damage.
- Fuck me.
Hidden damage?
Baggy arse or summat,
I don't know.
Christ, and what are you gonna be
doing while I am humping the life
- out of this?
- I'll go for a walk,
- won't I? Twiddle about.
- Fuck that,
dude, I am not shagging that thing.
Jesus fucking Christ, Vincent,
it's a free shag and I can't
even fucking give it away.
I suppose you are having your needs
attended to by the scrumptious
Samantha?
Well, not really.
Hmm?
Have you, err...?
(WHISTLES)
Not exactly, no.
Not exactly?
Well, not...fuck me, not at all.
Has she sucked you off?
Dude, I am not supposed to...
tell you shit like that.
Not supposed to. Hey, hey, hey,
look who you are talking to, mate,
I am a broken man.
This year I've had fucking hell,
dignity robbed,
livelihood stripped away from me.
The least you can do, right,
is enlighten your mate with the
details of your mucky mucky love
life.
Now, then, have you had a go
on the mammaries?
- Yes.
- Right. Naked or through
- clothes?
- Through clothes.
- What about the man's pubis?
- Uh-uh.
- Not yet.
- Not even through clothes?
Not even a dry hump?
No, I haven't dry humped.
We've kissed. We have had a smooch
up, but that is about it.
It's just about connection
for now, you know.
She likes me. And I like her.
I tell her I am a bi-polar fuck up,
she listens and tells me I am not.
I think I feel something for her.
(CHUCKLES)
Fair enough.
Now, then, what's your
policy on spooning?
I can't have your willy near my bum.
- I won't sleep.
- Fine, you spoon me.
Next question, may I sleep
in the altogether?
Dude, no.
That is a firm no.
Jesus fucking Christ, when did you
get to be such a fucking prude?
When I have to sleep with
my midget mate naked.
I tell you what... What?
It's actually quite cosy,
- this place, ain't it?
- Yeah.
I don't mind telling you.
I used to think it was a bit
of a shithole.
Well, if that removal order
comes through
I will be out on my
fucking ear, won't I?
Oh, aye. Do you want any help
with that?
I used to spank a bloke that works
in the town hall. Actually, no,
come to think about it,
he works in sanitation.
Do you know that fucking Shirley's
a mason.
Yeah. Jim told me about it.
Knows all these people on the
fucking council.
Said, will you give us a hand?
Told me to fuck myself. Blonde twat!
- Shirley.
- Yeah.
Because I seem to recall that
Shirley's a sleepwalker, in't he?
- Hmm.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Cos the thing about sleepwalkers,
Vincent, is...
people get up to all sorts
- in their sleep, don't they?
- Hmm.
(CHUCKLES)
Shit.
Right, go on.
Now, then, a few lewd poses, right,
enough for your standard
blackmail job.
There we go. Get snapping.
- Fuck.
- Right, he's going for it.
Jesus, he's rampant.
We shouldn't be watching this, lads.
Fuck, dude.
Fucking hell,
he's not actually.
Oh, poor Alison.
Poor me, more like,
I've gotta clean her out.
Jesus Christ, I hope
he don't rip her.
Oh, fucking hell! Fuck, dude.
(SHIRLEY MOANING)
How do you make it do that?
Good Lord, nobody should have to go
through that. Poor Alison.
Alright, Dyldo?
What are you doing here?
I need to talk to you, man. Alone.
- What the fuck is going on?
- Dude,
I don't know how to tell you this.
Dude, honestly, you are
making me fucking nervous.
- What's going on, Dyl?
- Erm...
- It's Samantha.
- What about her?
I don't know who she is.
I don't know what she is,
but you can't fucking trust her.
What are you talking about?
She started asking loads of
questions behind the bar,
and I were fucking...
I were careful, after what
happened with Sara,
I kept my gob shut, but it just
bothered me,
and then I accidentally knocked her
bag over and found this...
It's not a lighter,
it's a fuck... it's a microphone.
(RECORDING PLAYS ON LAPTOP)
SAM: How
old were you when your mam left?
- Seven.
- So little.
Christ, I wonder sometimes whether
that is half the reason I am the way
I am. I mean, my brain is just...
Christ, it's fucked.
I have to take pills, you know.
Fucking shame.
You are bonny in the woods.
I like it.
I bet you miss...(RECORDING STOPS)
(SIGHS)
- Who is she?
- I dunno, man.
She could be a cop, maybe?
An investigator?
I fucked up.
How could you know, man.
None of us knew.
She seems fantastic.
Dyl, I don't know what I fucking
- said to her.
- I mean, you know.
You were careful, but they know
about the weed grow.
- I trusted her.
- I know, dude.
I'm sorry, man.
She fucking lied. She told me things
about her fucking past,
her family and...
She kissed me.
I liked her.
I really liked her.
I am never trusting
an outsider again.
I think we've got a problem.
What do you want?
Want to know if you'll reconsider
speaking to your mason pals
- to help Vinnie's shack.
- No.
I won't, and there's nothing you
can say or do
that will make me change my mind.
Oh, really?
(SHIRLEY MOANING ON PHONE)
- Hi. JJ.
- Hey.
- Dylan, how's it going?
- Good, yeah,
- how are you?
- Yeah, great, thanks.
Sandra's asked us to bring down the
new optics from the function room,
can you come give me a hand?
Yeah, no worries.
Get up to anything last night after
- you left here?
- Nah,
just stayed at home,
quiet one. How about you?
Yeah, same, I was wrecked. It's hard
work, this place.
Hello.(DOOR LOCKS)
What are you up to?
What's going on?
Who the fuck are you?
- What?
- Who are you working for?
Who do I work for? I work here.
Do you think I am a cunt?
It's a funny little
thing, that. There you go.
Come on.
So why have you been doing
that, then?
Why have you been recording
all our chats?
Because I like to remember them,
I like to have nice moments.
Look at me.
I really fucking fell for you.
Do you know that?
I let you in.
And I am really lonely.
You knew, didn't you?
Vin, can we speak alone?
No.
(SIGHS) Look at these people
with me now.
They are all I have ever known.
I don't have anybody else,
they are my entire family.
And if you fucked me over,
fucking look at them.
You have fucked
them over too, haven't you?
Are you police?
Yeah.
Is it Slater?
What have you told him?
Fucking, what have you
- told him?
- Everything.
- Right.
- Listen... I started to
like you,
I did, I swear, it started as a job
but then I got feelings and...
She's lying.
- I'm not.
- Say anything to get out
of this room now, won't you?
Vinnie, I swear... I told you about
my mum, didn't I?
And my dad.
Look, Slater wants you guys, but he
wants McCann, too.
So if you let me,
I can help you.
- We can't trust you.
- Dylan, please,
they're planning a raid,
they've done surveillance but they
need me to tell them the right time.
We let her now and she's gonna go
squealing straight to the cops.
I won't, Vin, I swear.
Trust me.
Why the fuck, after all this,
why would you help us, eh?
- Why would you?
- Because...
..you've got a good heart.
(CLAMOURING)
(SIRENS BLARE, TYRES SCREECH)
All units standby unless active or
urgent. Entry team forward.
POLICE: Armed police, stand
still and show me your hands.
Armed police!
Police. (CLAMOURING)
Morning, lads.
Armed police.
- What the fuck?
- POLICE (ON RADIO):
Premise clear. No arrests made.
Fuck! Fuck's sake!
Armed police, do not move!
Can I come in for a minute?
I am unarmed, I am unarmed.
You alright?
I have to be honest,
you have, I mean,
Jesus, Carl, you have fucked me...
Can I sit down? Can I sit down?
Oh, God. Carl, I have got to hand it
to you, man,
you have royally fucked me over.
I am fucking heartbroken with the
Sam thing. I had no idea, man.
- Seems like you did.
- Well, yeah,
but fuck me, only just, dude.
Christ lads, you were really
bloody close. Really close.
Yeah. But anyway you have done
really well,
I think you have fucked me right
over and I just don't want you
hanging on my back for the rest of
my life so...fair cop.
- Alright, what's going on?
- Nothing.
Crap. Cuff him.
Now, back in the van.
- Leave him here.
- But sir...
Leave him and go. I'll be fine.
Oh, be my fucking guest,
Vin, have a seat.
We've known each other a long time,
- haven't we, Vinnie?
- Since school.
So I'm quietly confident that
this behaviour
is wildly out of character.
Vincent O'Neill
doesn't just give himself up and
then happily walk back to prison,
- does he?
- Dude, I just don't think
I'll get that long inside.
In all truth, Carl, I won't, and
I have fucking been there before
and it is just not that bad so it
makes no difference,
lock me up and the rest,
- why not?
- What's going on, Vin?
Carl, mate, you're on a fucking
revenge mission. I get it.
You don't like me. You know I was a
fucking horrible cunt to you
in school, I called you a dog bummer
and it stuck.
It can't have helped.
I always had a posse of mates
and you struggled a bit,
you were always on your own. But you
couldn't possibly hurt me more
than me.
Carl, listen to me. With no agenda,
I am a fucking nobody.
Pathetic, mentally ill
dickhead criminal
for the arse end of nowhere.
If you want people talking your name
you best land yourself a much
- bigger fish.
- Oh, I intend to.
Right. Well...
it just so happens I could help you
out with that.
But I'm gonna want
some guarantees.
- I don't do deals, Vin.
- Sound enough,
forget the whole thing. No worries.
You stay here.
Come on. I managed to
get hold of 5K.
I've borrowed two grand from
the Crow's Nest.
And I've put in the money I was
gonna use to restart my sex dungeon.
- Thanks, Tommo.
- Pleasure. Just...
stay out of my dreams.
Well, we're still way too short.
Even with the club money
- that's only 19k.
- Shit.
I'll lend you the rest.
I've got it.
I'll get it back. It's fine.
Dad, before you say anything, Erin
wants a chance to apologise.
How do you know her?
Through business.
She's a good person,
and she has your money.
Mister McCann, I am really,
really, sorry.
I just want to put things right.
Dad, can we come in?
TWINS: You're cheating.
You can't catch me.
I will catch you.
I've got you already.
- Sorry, can I just go to the loo?
- No.
Course you can
use the fucking loo.
- You're cheating.
- No, I am not.
Yes, you are.
You are a cheater.
Hi, girls.
BOTH: Hi, Stevie.
Hey, why don't we go inside
cos it is starting to rain?
Ouch. Can we go inside, please?
Fight with us.
- Pussy.
- Later, I will fight with you
- later. Come on.
- No!
And you're not coming in our room.
I don't wanna get in your stupid
room anyway.
- Cos it smells.
- Your room smells.
I don't care cos I am gonna go in
and I'm gonna mess up
all your stuff. I am.
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, I am.
I am coming. I am coming.
You upset me, Erin.
I don't like rejection.
You had that prick
O'Neill inside you.
Had his baby, and you have the
fucking temerity to reject me.
I appreciate the money back,
but you're done.
Terence...
You're done.
When you least fucking expect it,
you and that arsehole O'Neill will
get what's coming to you.
Mister McCann... Shh.
(TWINS ARGUING)
(GROANS, SIGHS)
(URINE TRICKLING)
(SIGHS)
- Dad!
- Fuck's sake...
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(TWINS ARGUING)
Stop...
(WHISPERS) That way, that way, go!
Fuck's sake.
You always take their side.
- All good?
- Yeah.
Mission accomplished.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Nice one, Stevie.
Thank God for that.
- I'm scared.
- Hey, don't be.
Listen to me.
If that works out,
we'll be free of him, hun.
Will we though?
Erm... I'm sorry about Samantha.
It's alright. You know,
all the things I did with her,
I'd show her the woods,
and where I used to play
when I was little,
and the whole bloody time,
all I could think was I wished
it was you.
Vin... I know. I know.
I know. It's fine.
I always think about
what you whispered.
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
(SIGHS)
I just want to do what's
best for Tyler.
I have to do what's
best for our boy.
Come here.
(DOOR SMASHES) (GIRLS SCREAMING)
POLICE: Show me your hands now!
Turn around!
Well, well, well.
What on Earth's this doing here?
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Fuck.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Fuck off, dude.
Get gone.
Sorry, lads, time's up.
This erection has to come down.
(ALL YELLING) Oi! Stop it!
No, don't!
That's enough, you Irish cunts.
What's all this?
What does it look like?
Looks like two old twats
running through a wood holding
- paper.
- Fuck are you asking for then?
Cease and desist, signed by the
deputy head of planning
at the council,
- Nigel Perrywater.
- You what?
And I have written
authorisation that this erection
can stay exactly where it is.
Alright. Early breakfast, boys.
(CHEERING)
- Celebration?
- Let's go the pub.
- Jim's buying.
- Erin, Erin,
come down to the pub
and make sure you bring bloody Sugar
with you. Shirley saved the shack.
Shirley and Jim.
Christ, my God,
it's a really good day, so...
come and have a drink.
(SIGHS)
- Alright, Sug?
- Alright, Vin.
Is Erin in?
- I've no idea.
- Is she not in. No?
- I've only just got up.
- Erin?
Er- Erin?
Ty... Tyler... What's going on?
- Fuck!
- Oh, my God.
- She's gone.What?
- She's fucking
gone. She's gone.
(SOBBING)
ERIN: 'My darling Vinnie, you are
the dad to our beautiful son
and an amazing friend.
But I am scared,
so I have to go.
I need a fresh start somewhere
that I know he is safe.
I'm so sorry.
I will miss you forever.
And I hope you can forgive me.'
(WHISPERS) 34% was always enough.