Brassic (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Getting There - full transcript
Mr McCann, I've got a proposal.
Mr McCann, I've got a proposal.
The bank gave you a loan.
Yes.
I hope you are not telling me
any porkies.
The safe is no longer here.
The safe is no longer here.
Terence- You're done.
He wouldn't do anything
to Tyler, would he?
Nothing is happening to the boy.
Where is Tyler?
He is gone. I lost him.
Where is Tyler?
He is gone. I lost him.
Tyler? I'll get him back.
"My darling Vinnie.
I am scared, so I have to go.
I will miss you forever.
I will miss you forever.
And I hope you can forgive me."
# I am just a man
# Tipping on the wire
# Tipping on the wire
# Tight rope walking fool
# Balanced on desire
# Balanced on desire
# I can not control
# These ever changing ways
# These ever changing ways
# So how can I be sure
# The feeling will remain
# The feeling will remain
# It'll always change
# It'll always change
# But everything I am is yours- #
Oh, fuck me!
Careful dickhead! Hey up!
Vinnie?
Come here, Ringo.
Good to see you.
Come here, Ringo.
Good to see you.
You stink of patchouli oil, man.
It's overwhelming?
I nearly fucking killed you there.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm fucking
miles away at the minute.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm fucking
miles away at the minute.
Yeah, well, I'm glad I
nearly killed you there,
'cause me and the band
have got a gig tonight.
Brilliant. 'Cause, er, you'll never
guess who's getting married again?
Brilliant. 'Cause, er, you'll never
guess who's getting married again?
Yeah? Go on? Well guess.
I don't... know. No guess, man.
Fuck me. Pete the eunuch?
No, it's me, you daft twat.
Fuck me. Pete the eunuch?
No, it's me, you daft twat.
Hey! Fantastic!
And you'll never guess
who I'm getting married to.
I don't- It's Babs.
Babs? Fucking Babs...
is who YOU'RE getting married to.
Babs? Fucking Babs...
is who YOU'RE getting married to.
But you got married
and you got divorced.
And now we're getting married again.
The prawn cocktail thing nearly
tore you a new arsehole, didn't it?
The prawn cocktail thing nearly
tore you a new arsehole, didn't it?
You were really upset.
Well, the thing is
I put that behind us, Vin.
You know, forgive and forget.
She's a good girl and it's
for keeps this time. Good man.
She's a good girl and it's
for keeps this time. Good man.
That's fucking fantastic.
I'm made up for you, man.
Listen I'll see you tonight, then?
Grand.
Eight o'clock, Crow's Nest.
It's a fucking date.
'Ere, bring Erin. Oh...
Alright, cheerio, dickhead.
'Ere, bring Erin. Oh...
Alright, cheerio, dickhead.
Yeah.
Go on, get out of it,
you big cunt.
Fucking hell!
Bell end. What ya doing?
Sorry. Fuck me. Sorry. Miles away.
# The best things in life are free
# The best things in life are free
# But you can give them
To the birds and bees
# I need money... #
I just wanna know where she is,
know what I mean?
Yeah. Well, she says
she doesn't want finding.
Yeah. Well, she says
she doesn't want finding.
Yeah, I know. But she's fucked off
with my little lad, Cardi,
and I'm fucking-
My heart's breaking.
and I'm fucking-
My heart's breaking.
She's scared about McCann.
Yeah, but fucking hell. He's not
gonna be around much longer, is he?
He's getting sent down, hopefully.
He'll be gone out
of our life's forever.
Just need to see her...
..so I can talk to her properly.
I don't like seeing you sad, man.
I don't like seeing you sad, man.
Do you wanna throw the ball?
Oh shit, yeah.
Oh, fuck me. Dude, shit.
Hey! You fucking idiots!
Idiots!
Hey! You fucking idiots!
Idiots!
He's fuck- He's- He's run off.
We are Tonguesten and we came here
to rock your bloody tits off!
We are Tonguesten and we came here
to rock your bloody tits off!
That is shit, innit?
That to me, is the dying
screams of a murder victim.
Ted Bundy, the musical.
Ted Bundy, the musical.
I'd fucking watch that.
That name - Tonguesten, yeah?
I mean, I assume it's a play
on the word Tungsten,
but it's not even a heavy metal.
It'll shatter on impact.
but it's not even a heavy metal.
It'll shatter on impact.
You know what, yeah?
They should have called it
something like, Titanium-
Shut up!
Have you-Have you heard from her?
No! Fuck no!
Have you-Have you heard from her?
No! Fuck no!
No. Only a few WhatsApp
video's from Tyler, that's it.
Have you heard anything? Nah.
Hiya, boys! Eh, boys?
Oh, Sugar, you're always
seeking attention.
You alright, Babs?
What's going on with that little
diabetes shoe you've got there?
What's going on with that little
diabetes shoe you've got there?
Ketamine and roller skating
do not mix.
Well, you look very well.
Aw, this is the glow of true love.
Well, you look very well.
Aw, this is the glow of true love.
I think it's great
that you're trying again.
There's not many couples could get
over that prawn cocktail incident.
It was shrimp.
And it was a misunderstanding.
It was shrimp.
And it was a misunderstanding.
So Barbara, when's the big day?
Are we all invited, then?
This Saturday, in Merthyr Tydfil
where my parents are.
You are all more than welcome.
You are all more than welcome.
Tonguesten are playing!
Oh, well, in that case,
abso-fucking-lutely not!
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
'Hi, it's Erin. Leave a message
after the beep. Bye.'
'Hi, it's Erin. Leave a message
after the beep. Bye.'
Look, it's me again. For the
fifteen hundredth fucking time.
I know you're getting
these messages, Erin...
..and I just wish I knew
where you were.
I only want to help you out, ya know?
Fucking hell's teeth!
Oh, course. Why won't it be!
Oh, course. Why won't it be!
Fuck are you doing
in middle of woods?
Oh, this is nice and cosy, Vin.
What do you want?
Well, I gave my friends the slip
to come and find you. Right, then?
Well, I gave my friends the slip
to come and find you. Right, then?
Because, Vinnie, there's one thing
I need from you, before I get wed.
Go on then?
I need you to make love to me.
Go on then?
I need you to make love to me.
Pfft! Gross! Taking the piss?
You do fancy me, don't you?
No! Well, that's not true.
That's not the issue, though,
is it Babs?
That's not the issue, though,
is it Babs?
You're getting fucking married,
this weekend, to bloody Ringo.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, I'm committing myself
to him for the rest of my life.
But before I get hitched,
I just need one last one,
But before I get hitched,
I just need one last one,
and I'm choosing you, Vinnie.
No, you. Just away over there.
No, you. Just away over there.
Er, no.
Oh, come on. We're here now.
I'll just take my clothes off.
Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?
Wading through the woods
like a sexual tyrannosaur.
Wading through the woods
like a sexual tyrannosaur.
You doing like that- Er, no!
You're terrifying tonight.
What's matter with you?
Come on. Nobody'd know.
I will know, won't I? I'll know.
That'll never leave me. I'm very sad.
I will know, won't I? I'll know.
That'll never leave me. I'm very sad.
I'm very depressed, and fuck me,
dude, I'm missing my fucking boy.
And even if I wanted to shag ya...
And even if I wanted to shag ya...
..my todger doesn't really work.
What if I showed you my boob trick?
Go on then.
What if I showed you my boob trick?
Go on then.
Together. Hmm.
Single. Individual. Together.
Single.
It's amazing. Do you want a brew?
No, do you wanna finger me?
No! How many sugars do you want?
Uh, three, please.
Hi, Daddy.
Mummy and me are having
a great time on our trip,
Mummy and me are having
a great time on our trip,
but look. I broke my arm,
and it doesn't even hurt.
And... I've drawn you, too,
And... I've drawn you, too,
but mum says it's
got too much hair.
Love you, daddy.
Hmm. He's cute.
I never knew that
you and Erin uh-uhh.
I never knew that
you and Erin uh-uhh.
Hmm, yeah, many moons ago.
We were wrecked.
Ended up coming away with
this little horror.
Ended up coming away with
this little horror.
You must miss him like crazy.
I do, yeah.
Feels like someone's
ripped my bloody arm off. Hmm.
And you've no idea where they are?
No.
And you've no idea where they are?
No.
No, I mean, fucking hell,
they could be anywhere.
It's a shame you don't know a
doctor. They could tell you.
It's a shame you don't know a
doctor. They could tell you.
How do you mean?
Well, if Tyler's broken his arm,
means he's been to a hospital.
So it'll be on his medical records,
you know, the name of the hospital,
So it'll be on his medical records,
you know, the name of the hospital,
temporary address.
But that's all confidential.
You'd have to know a doctor really
well to get that kind of info.
You'd have to know a doctor really
well to get that kind of info.
Fucking-
It's terrifying how you just
put all that together like that.
You're a fucking genius, Babs.
Shit, dude,
I could lay you right now.
Shit, dude,
I could lay you right now.
There's always time for that, love.
Absolutely not!
Chris.
Christopher, it's fucking Vincent
Jesus Christ. Oh!
Hello.
Hiyah, is Christopher in?
He says to tell you that he's busy.
He says to tell you that he's busy.
Right, you just go in there, and
you tell that posh fat-headed turd
to bring his bony arse to come down
to this porch, on the immediate.
to bring his bony arse to come down
to this porch, on the immediate.
Or I'll cut his fucking
weed supply off.
He does have a lovely arse.
He also has a fat head.
Vinnie, what do you want?
Hi, I'm Chris.
Vinnie, what do you want?
Hi, I'm Chris.
I'm Barbara. Nice outfit.
It's my hen do.
What's going on. Why you here?
What's going on. Why you here?
Did you not- Have you got changed?
No. Eh?
Different person. Twins.
Different person. Twins.
God sake!
Why can't people just cuddle?
I need a favour.
It's deeply unethical,
and Babs is caning for a shit.
- Come on, dude. It's cold.
- Come on, quick.
- Come on, dude. It's cold.
- Come on, quick.
So there we were in the dark,
hammer and tongs going at it.
The light came on.
It was his bloody dad!
The light came on.
It was his bloody dad!
Can you believe it?
Dude, these threesomes...
Is there not like a moment
when you're like, pfft,
Is there not like a moment
when you're like, pfft,
it's all a bit much?
You never had a threesome?
No I've never had a fucking three-
Never even had a twosome, barely.
They're phenomenal, Vinnie.
Got Amelia over there stroking your
hair with long manicured fingers.
Got Amelia over there stroking your
hair with long manicured fingers.
Meanwhile, Jemima, downstairs,
taking care of business. Gross.
Meanwhile, Jemima, downstairs,
taking care of business. Gross.
Listen, if I give you any advice,
medical advice, as your doctor,
don't die before you've had
a threesome.
Here we are.
Go on.
Tyler Croft. Three-
Er, confidentiality.
Tyler Croft. Three-
Er, confidentiality.
Hospital admission - 3-6-2013.
Bronglais General Hospital,
Caradog Road, Aberystwyth.
Bronglais General Hospital,
Caradog Road, Aberystwyth.
That's Wal- That's Wales, in it?
Yeah.
Is there an address?
Care of address.
Give us that, then. What does it say?
Gell-dilly-ywll
caravan park in Grad-clan-
Gell-dilly-ywll
caravan park in Grad-clan-
I mean, it's just letters
tossed together Welsh, isn't it?
Christ, she's on a fucking
trailer park in Wales?
Christ, she's on a fucking
trailer park in Wales?
It says "care of address
until the end of month."
Shit. Well that's
this fucking weekend.
She'll be on her way back, maybe.
Or moving on.
Or moving on.
Shit. Babs?
Yeah!
How far's Merthyr Tydfil
from Aberys- Aberystwyth?
How far's Merthyr Tydfil
from Aberys- Aberystwyth?
Yeah.
Oh, I don't know, love.
60 miles?
That's not so bad. Can I still
come to your wedding, please?
Oh, course you can, love.
Oh, course you can, love.
Hey, ask your friend
if I can stay the night.
Course you can.
Never had a foursome.
It'll be horrible.
Never had a foursome.
It'll be horrible.
Chinny chin chin. Chinny chin chin.
Up the bum no harm done.
Ho, ho, ho! Bonjour, madams
and monsieur. Comment ete-vous?
Ho, ho, ho! Bonjour, madams
and monsieur. Comment ete-vous?
What the fuck's all this, dude?
This, my luscious lads,
is my latest business venture.
A reflective truck?
A reflective truck?
Yes, Dylan, very observant.
Reflective truck from the outside.
But from the inside...
- ..observavous.
- Absolutely wonderful.
- ..observavous.
- Absolutely wonderful.
The whole thing's all two way glass.
It's one way glass, in't it, Ashley?
'Cause two way glass,
that's just normal glass, in't it?
'Cause two way glass,
that's just normal glass, in't it?
Think about it.
Oh, one way glass, woah!
Right you and you.
On the bed. Why?
Demonstration time.
Now the world, as I see it, right,
is full of exhibitionists, alright?
Now the world, as I see it, right,
is full of exhibitionists, alright?
So let's pretend, for a moment,
that our lovely young couple here
are, in fact, fornicating.
Now, go on. Oh, fuck off.
Ashley, take it away.
Ashley, take it away.
Now meanwhile, I'll be upfront.
I'll be driving us round,
past shops, past cafes,
maybe past a cop car.
And in the back, although
they know it's an illusion,
And in the back, although
they know it's an illusion,
it will seem to them
for all the world,
as if they are fucking in public.
I have struck gold
with this one. I'm telling ya.
I can feel it in my piss.
I can feel it in my piss.
Ashley, give over man, will ya?
Hey! Get that off!
You're confusing him.
Paid £16.99. Ah! Jesus Christ.
Look, be that as it may, I am
fucking impressed. It's cool.
Look, be that as it may, I am
fucking impressed. It's cool.
But, I mean...
Today it's gonna have to
just be a shit van, innit?
Today it's gonna have to
just be a shit van, innit?
Driving to mid Wales.
That's not really the point of it.
Listen, the rest of you lot,
you better have kept schtum
about this fucking Erin mission.
Alright? 'Cause if she finds out
that I'm on me way-
Alright? 'Cause if she finds out
that I'm on me way-
Well, she could fucking bolt here.
So, let's all see them zips.
Zip gesture.
Dude, zip gesture. Do the thing.
Dude, zip gesture. Do the thing.
Why would I do the zip gesture?
Why wouldn't you do the zip gesture?
I'm not a child.
You hiding something?
You're hiding something.
I'm not hiding something.
Do the gesture! You're pathetic.
I'm not hiding something.
Do the gesture! You're pathetic.
Alright, sound.
Unzip for it, you fucking melon.
Unzip for it, you fucking melon.
There's only one slight problem,
right.
Um, my wife, Carol...
She wants to come and I couldn't
think of a reason why she couldn't.
Dude, I gave you the fucking reason.
It is a boys only road trip.
Dude, I gave you the fucking reason.
It is a boys only road trip.
Hiyah, boys.
Oh, shit, Babs is here.
Get out of way.
Oh, shit, Babs is here.
Get out of way.
Why's she coming?
Hey up, Babs, come in a second.
What else?
Have you brought your mum, have ya?
This is absolute fucking madness.
You gonna pick up a hitchhiker now,
so she can get laid?
What am I gonna do? What am I-
What am I gonna do? What am I-
I mean, she wants to get laid one
more time before she gets hitched.
She wants to frolic, man.
So what happened with Dr Chris?
But-
She said it was weird.
Actually-
Actually what she said was...
I liked the idea, but the reality,
there were too many elbows. Hm.
I liked the idea, but the reality,
there were too many elbows. Hm.
Why's she even marrying him
if she's still acting like this?
Dyldo, honestly, I'm as happy
about it as you are, bud,
but she's helping me find Erin,
so that's what I'm gonna fucking do.
but she's helping me find Erin,
so that's what I'm gonna fucking do.
Poor Ringo
I know. She's an animal, dude.
So you still haven't found
the right woman, Tommo, or man?
So you still haven't found
the right woman, Tommo, or man?
You know me, Barbara.
I'm a cowboy, on a silver horse
I ride.
What the fuck does that mean?
No you should settle down, love.
What the fuck does that mean?
No you should settle down, love.
Trust me.
I mean, look at them two.
Who the hell
put them two together?
Opposites attract, innit?
Oh, you know what?
I think it's brilliant.
Oh, you know what?
I think it's brilliant.
Half the town's seen
your girlfriend's jigglers
and you were OK with it.
What the fuck? Ha!
You either shut your gob or you're
getting married with a shiner.
You either shut your gob or you're
getting married with a shiner.
See? Love, wonderful.
Here we go.
Let me ask you a question.
You ever had a threesome?
Let me ask you a question.
You ever had a threesome?
No. Lying, straight away.
Straight away,
you fucking handsome liar.
Dude, everyone's having
really sexy tropical sexy time.
Dude, everyone's having
really sexy tropical sexy time.
I'm just fucking wanking
in the deep down-
I bet he's had a bloody threesome,
hasn't he?
Ash. Yeah. Well, yeah. No. Yeah.
What's this?
Ash. Yeah. Well, yeah. No. Yeah.
What's this?
Threesomes. Dyl's saying you had one.
We did. Hey?
You were inside.
I'm surprised you told him.
I didn't fucking tell him.
What the f-
What the actual fuck?
What the f-
What the actual fuck?
No, we were- We- Hey!
We were off our faces.
Yeah. Yeah. It was just messing.
Weird.
Give me a fucking crunchie.
It did happen, though.
What? It didn't fucking happen.
I just can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
Hey! Don't show him fucking that!
Don't show it to me! Put it away!
That there is motion sickness like.
We can't travel there in the back.
We can't travel there in the back.
There's only one seat
up at the front with me.
So one of you can go with Vincent.
Oi, Cardi, come and jump in
back with me and our Ashley.
Can have a lie down, love.
Can have a lie down, love.
Has anyone got any food,
I'm fucking starving now?
Not to freak anyone out there, lads,
but when we pulled up, that car
pulled up and no-one's gotten out,
and now we're setting off,
they're setting off.
Shit, you don't think
it's McCann's men, do you?
Why the fuck would it be
McCann's men?
"Why would it be McCann's men?"
We got him sent down.
"Why would it be McCann's men?"
We got him sent down.
He's being sentenced today. Shit.
See if they follow.
Shit. They're following.
Shit. Bollocks.
Shit. They're following.
Shit. Bollocks.
You know, we wanna to be certain.
Take the next exit there.
Can't, dude. I'm gonna
fucking lose Tommo, won't we?
Fuck Tommo. Why did I swap cars?
Take the next left please.
Fuck Tommo. Why did I swap cars?
Take the next left please.
Are they still following?
Er... no.
Oh, shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
They're following. Fucker!
I don't wanna die!
I should've stayed with Carol.
I don't wanna die!
I should've stayed with Carol.
They're coming up pretty
fucking fast now, dude.
Go faster than they are, dude.
Go. Go. Go.
What do think I'm tryna-
What do you think I'm tryna do?
It'll only go so fast.
Vin. Vin. I'm too young to die!
It'll only go so fast.
Vin. Vin. I'm too young to die!
You're not gonna die, Cardi.
Last time you said that,
someone got their head chopped off!
Well, at least, you've
had a fucking threesome.
Well, at least, you've
had a fucking threesome.
Shit! We're being rammed.
Why are they fucking ramming us?
They're ramming us.
Why are they fucking ramming us?
They're ramming us.
Let's just-
Let's just stop the car.
Slow down and, and fucking
reason with 'em.
Oh, that's a fucking fantastic idea.
Let's just stop the car
and reason with the men
Let's just stop the car
and reason with the men
who are trying to ram us
off the fucking road.
Shit! Fucking hell!
Oh, woah, woah, woah, woah!
Wait! Hey, move!
Oh, woah, woah, woah, woah!
Wait! Hey, move!
No! No! No! There's a sign!
It's closed!
They're never doing any fucking work.
I'm gonna get us through there.
They're never doing any fucking work.
I'm gonna get us through there.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Fucking hell! Ooh!
We'll have to go through the back.
Fuck me.
We'll have to go through the back.
Fuck me.
Davey, what the fuck man?
The fuck are you playing at, eh?
You nearly killed us there. We
were just having some fun, Vincent.
You nearly killed us there. We
were just having some fun, Vincent.
Why are you following us?
Following ya?
What a vivid imagination you have,
Vincent.
We were just on our way to
a wedding. Pure coincidence.
We were just on our way to
a wedding. Pure coincidence.
Not Ringo and Babs, huh?
Yes. Ringo's an old pal
of mine. You going, too?
We fucking were. Yes, we were.
We fucking were. Yes, we were.
Should be a nice bash.
Maybe see you down there, boys.
Come and help us- No, no, no!
Hey! Come pull us out, man.
Behave yourself.
Hey! Come pull us out, man.
Behave yourself.
Sorry. Got a long journey ahead.
Oh, by the way, Vincent.
I do hope your weed grows safe
while you're away.
I do hope your weed grows safe
while you're away.
"finders keepers."
What's he on about?
They're trying to nick the weed.
Don't nick- Don't nick the weed.
Don't nick- Don't nick the weed.
What you doing?
Wishing them well
What the fuck.
Don't, don't wave at him.
Dylan, I would
check the carburettor.
Dylan, I would
check the carburettor.
Fuck.
No signal.
We're gonna have to
push this car, lads.
Right, you get on that end.
Right, you get on that end.
Me and Cardi will pull.
Are you ready? Yeah.
One, two, three, go.
Dude, there's just no way we're
getting out of here without a tow.
Dude, there's just no way we're
getting out of here without a tow.
You slapper. Fuck!
This is farming land, yeah?
So, logic dictates, there's gotta
be a farmer round here somewhere.
So, logic dictates, there's gotta
be a farmer round here somewhere.
So we'll just have to find one
and see if they can pull us out.
That's not a bad idea. Come on then.
Let's go find this fucking farmer.
Cardi. Come on, love.
Let's go find this fucking farmer.
Cardi. Come on, love.
Now then, Barbara.
Now then, Barbara.
In my experience, right, a trucker
is a very randy breed of man.
So, what I'm pitching to you,
sweetheart, is this.
We use our time here wisely,
you choose one you like the look of,
We use our time here wisely,
you choose one you like the look of,
and we get this whole one last fling
idea put to bed once and for all.
How's about that?
But they're all fat, Tommo. And old.
How's about that?
But they're all fat, Tommo. And old.
I want a skinny man.
I know, sweetheart, but, er,
beggars can't be choosers, can they?
So what about this chap
here in the Hi-Viz?
So what about this chap
here in the Hi-Viz?
Hey? What about him?
Lovely chap, shiny head-
Oh, he looks like my Uncle Alwyn.
I'm not having my last new penis
be a sweaty trucker, Tommo.
They probably never wash.
They probably never wash.
It'll be like a cheese factory
down there.
I do have taste, love. Standards.
Thank you very much, Vincent.
Thank you very much.
Dick head.
Oh, fuck!
Lost my fucking shoe there.
Help me find it.
Send them a message.
Tell them we're cracking on. They'll
have to meet us there. Sugar.
I don't like this.
My Cardi would never
switch his phone off.
My Cardi would never
switch his phone off.
Yeah, but what else can we do?
I don't know.
But he's gonna be lost
without his mammy.
But he's gonna be lost
without his mammy.
He's like a small boy
needing the nipple.
A soft ample breast of affection.
Hiyah, love. What's your name?
Leo.
Hiyah, love. What's your name?
Leo.
Hiyah, Leo.
Your daddy's very handsome.
Your daddy's very handsome.
For Pete's sake. Come on, B.
Get off!
I bet, since you arrived,
you've stopped all your daddy's fun,
I bet, since you arrived,
you've stopped all your daddy's fun,
and I bet your daddy hasn't had any
bouncy bounce in a long, long time.
and I bet your daddy hasn't had any
bouncy bounce in a long, long time.
Hey, lady!
If I could just borrow your daddy,
would that be alright?
We're really sorry about this.
Get off me! Who the hell are you?
We're really sorry about this.
Get off me! Who the hell are you?
You've got a lovely husband.
Five minutes.
Five minutes, let me go!
Cut his dick off.
No! No! No! No!
Cut his dick off.
No! No! No! No!
It's McCann's sentencing today.
Fucking shitting myself.
If he don't get sent down,
he'll come for us, you know.
If he don't get sent down,
he'll come for us, you know.
Might have to come
and live out here.
Dick head.
Come on. They've got him on five
counts. Surely a couple must stick.
Come on. They've got him on five
counts. Surely a couple must stick.
What's that noise?
Alright. How's it going?
Stop you there. Where's he going?
What's he doing?
Stop you there. Where's he going?
What's he doing?
Just hang on. Hang on.
So sorry, mate.
I'm so sorry to stop you like this.
So sorry, mate.
I'm so sorry to stop you like this.
Just turn off the-
Turn it off with the screwdriver,
why not?
Listen, we got ourselves
in a right jam.
We got stuck in a bridge, you see.
We got stuck in a bridge, you see.
We're looking for a farm,
so that maybe a tractor,
a bit of a tow situation going on.
You know what I mean?
Can you tell us where
the farm is, please?
Can you tell us where
the farm is, please?
Well, as it happens, gentlemen...
..this is your lucky day...
..because I live up
at the old farmhouse.
..because I live up
at the old farmhouse.
That's amazing. Thank God for that.
Have you got a tractor?
Yes.
Could you help pull us out
with said tractor, do you think?
Could you help pull us out
with said tractor, do you think?
I can, on two conditions.
You must remove your shoes before
entering my vehicle,
and two, I have a small job
to attend.
OK. I'm just-
OK. I'm just-
Just out of interest, I just wonder
how long that's gonna take, that job?
No more than 11 minutes.
No more than 11 minutes.
Outstanding. Guys, get in the car.
Can I go in front? No.
Knobhead
Man, thanks for picking us up.
My name's Vinnie,
That's Dylan... Ey up man.
..Ashley, and that's Cardi.
Hiyah.
I'm Eric, Eric Nosh.
I'm Eric, Eric Nosh.
Don't worry.
I've heard all the jokes.
Blowjob jokes your whole life.
Blowjob jokes your whole life.
What?
No... food.
Oh, right, yeah. OK, sorry.
Oh, right, yeah. OK, sorry.
A-ha!
Here's my little friend.
What's he doing?
He's got an imaginary friend,
this man.
He's got an imaginary friend,
this man.
I hope he's not a serial killer.
Serial killers
don't wear crocks, man.
That's not the fashion
of a serial killer.
There it is. Dead fox.
Still quite fresh.
Have you all eaten?
Hey, Cardi stop freaking out.
You've watched too many movies.
What if he comes back with an axe?
He's an old man.
We could overpower him easy.
He's an old man.
We could overpower him easy.
Not if he's got a gun.
He had a fucking axe a second ago.
What if he's got both.
What if these teas are drugged?
You've eaten enough of his biscuits,
haven't you, Cardi? Hey, hey, oi!
You've eaten enough of his biscuits,
haven't you, Cardi? Hey, hey, oi!
Give over now.
He's just a bloke who's gonna put his
fucking boots on and give us a tow.
Yeah, human tow.
Right then, that's the footwear
situation amended. How's the tea?
Right then, that's the footwear
situation amended. How's the tea?
Good. Yeah. Good. Fantastic.
I brought you these.
That's good of ya.
It's a crock and a pink sock.
Yeah.
Just admiring your stu-
your stuffed animal.
Just admiring your stu-
your stuffed animal.
Do you do a bit of taxidermy?
Yes, it's a hobby of mine.
Hence the fox.
Yes, it's a hobby of mine.
Hence the fox.
Ah, he doesn't eat them.
You don't eat roadkill, do ya?
Absolutely. I eat them.
You eat them? Yeah
Absolutely. I eat them.
You eat them? Yeah
Follow me.
A barn owl, that's a lovely bird.
Sparrow hawk.
That one flew into the window.
Sparrow hawk.
That one flew into the window.
Hedgehog... surprisingly nutty.
Polecat, odd spongy texture. Ugh!
Look at that... deer.
Testies and his penis.
Look at that... deer.
Testies and his penis.
Can you eat a penis, can you?
You can eat penis, certainly.
Right
You can eat penis, certainly.
Right
Tends to be a tad grisly,
but we persevere. Good on ya.
So as you can see.
We shagged the fucking
thing into the bridge.
You have got yourselves in a fix.
You have got yourselves in a fix.
Yes we do.
Could you unfix us, please?
Attach this to your van.
Not the bumper.
Obviously. You know what I mean.
Obviously. You know what I mean.
He thinks were a bunch
of lemon heads, this lad.
Look at this now.
Bumper straight away.
What you doing there, you?
That's the fucking bumper.
What you doing there, you?
That's the fucking bumper.
Give it to me. Your over tired.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Oh, fuck a duck.
Fuck me.
Look at the state of that.
I assume you have
yourselves a spare.
I assume you have
yourselves a spare.
No.
I do have a friend.
Human or animal?
Very human - Walter.
He runs a garage, but it's, er,
several miles away, I'm afraid.
Right. How long do you think it'd
take Walter to get here with a spare?
Right. How long do you think it'd
take Walter to get here with a spare?
He usually takes a nap around
this time, as he only has one leg.
Of course he does.
Best course of action -
come back to mine,
Best course of action -
come back to mine,
spot of dinner, while we wait.
Yes? Yes. What?
Shit. Why?
I don't know why I said it, I
panicked. I just panicked guys.
I don't know why I said it, I
panicked. I just panicked guys.
For fuck me. Just get in
the back of the trailer.
You'd love it if I was a
stranger and I was coming on to you.
He'd think you were a tart.
A tart is it? Stripper.
He'd think you were a tart.
A tart is it? Stripper.
Yes tart it is.
And it's ex-stripper.
Twat. Twat is it?
Yes, it is twat. Welsh. Tart.
Fucking stop it! Stop it!
Oh, cops!
Oh, hey-aw! That's bad.
Oh, hey-aw! That's bad.
You just please tell me that
you are taxed and insured.
Er, not exactly, no.
Meaning? Er, not at all.
Meaning? Er, not at all.
I told you so many fucking times.
You need to be taxed and insured!
Will one of you please
just swap places with me,
Will one of you please
just swap places with me,
because as it happens, I also
don't have a driver's license.
Leave this to me.
There's not a cop in the world
that can resist the Irish charm.
There's not a cop in the world
that can resist the Irish charm.
What seems to be
the officer, problem?
This your vehicle, madam?
It not, actually, no.
This your vehicle, madam?
It not, actually, no.
We borrowed it off a friend,
because this lady here
is getting married tomorrow
in Merthyr Tydil,
and we have to get there as a
great matter of great urgency.
and we have to get there as a
great matter of great urgency.
Love your uniform. Thanks.
I used to go to place like that,
you know,
people dressing up
as a doctors, cops.
Firemen were my faves. Right.
Firemen were my faves. Right.
Out of the vehicle, please.
All of you.
Open the back please. Fine.
Open the back please. Fine.
What we got going on in here, then?
It's a mobile erotic parlour, innit?
You making pornography?
No, no, no!
Nothing like that, sweetheart.
No. No. No. No. I have done
the porn, Eager Beavers 23.
Very successful series, it was, too.
It went downhill, though,
after I'd seen Eager Beavers 29.
But very popular out there.
Very, very popular.
But very popular out there.
Very, very popular.
I assume this is in no way
an illegal endeavour?
Absolutely not
Jesus! Oi!
Wait here. Oi!
What the fuck did she do that for?
Right, fuck it. Lets get off.
let's get off.
Go on, get in, get in the van!
Go on, get in, get in the van!
Look this is getting
fucking stupid, this is.
I mean, for crying out loud,
we've been here bloody hours now.
I mean, for crying out loud,
we've been here bloody hours now.
If I don't get to that caravan park,
by tomorrow,
she could've bloody gone.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't think he rang anyone.
I don't think there even
is a Walter. Christ.
I don't think there even
is a Walter. Christ.
Just give over with that, Cardi.
I wish my wife Carol was here.
Wife Carol.
You're with your mates!
Yeah, I am,
and I'm stuck outside a farmhouse
in the middle of f-fucking nowhere,
waiting for a one legged mechanic
in the middle of f-fucking nowhere,
waiting for a one legged mechanic
with a weirdo that
eats f-fox bollocks!
Oi. You're working yourself up dude.
He doesn't eat fox bol-
Oh, fucking hell!
Oh, fucking hell!
You alright?
Dinner almost ready, gentlemen.
If you'd like to wash your hands.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Delicious.
I'm really sorry to ask this,
but is your friend gonna be much-
I'm really sorry to ask this,
but is your friend gonna be much-
Is he gonna be much longer or...?
Shouldn't be.
I asked him to bring back
one or two items he'd borrowed,
so he may be gathering those.
so he may be gathering those.
Right then.
Potatoes, broccoli, carrots and...
..fox stew.
..fox stew.
The intestines are chargrilled
with garlic and onion.
Chopped chervil, star anise,
pine nuts.
Chopped chervil, star anise,
pine nuts.
Have you been doing this long, then,
the eating of the roadkill?
Only since my girlfriend left.
Didn't eat her, did you?
No. You three get started.
No. You three get started.
I've saved the best part for you.
I can see that. What's going on?
- The head.
- Ooh. Ooh.
- The head.
- Ooh. Ooh.
I-I'm not a- It's-
I'm just not a big eater.
Never have been.
I'm just not a big eater.
Never have been.
Cardi, fucking hell. Give him a head.
No. No. I just smoke.
Nonsense.
Get stuck in there, Vin. Yum. Yum.
Get stuck in there, Vin. Yum. Yum.
If you cut straight in here,
you can get to the brains.
If you cut straight in here,
you can get to the brains.
Why?
Delicacy. Is it?
Trouble is, they sometimes
liquify and bubble out.
You know,
I'm looking at this lad 'ere.
He-he's still gotten the
tongue in there, ain't he?
Don't you want it? No.
That's the best bit.
He's gonna eat it.
In. In it goes, just straight in.
I've gotta tell you, this is
the most mental meal fucking meal
I've gotta tell you, this is
the most mental meal fucking meal
I think I've ever experienced.
Thank you.
I have... eaten the tongues of
almost every animal you can think of
I have... eaten the tongues of
almost every animal you can think of
and they all taste spectacular.
But they say the best by far...
..is human tongue.
That's the one I'd
really like to try.
That's the one I'd
really like to try.
Fucking hell!
That'll be Walter.
Handsome, isn't he?
Handsome, isn't he?
Right! Five minutes, regroup.
Me nerves are fucking frazzled.
Right. I'd just like to take a
moment to assess where we are.
Right. I'd just like to take a
moment to assess where we are.
We've lost the bride,
of the wedding we are attending.
And the half our party have
gone AWOL in a Bedford Rascal.
And the half our party have
gone AWOL in a Bedford Rascal.
We are, as the Welsh would say,
"cachu hwch."
What does that mean? Absolutely,
fucked up the arse, mate.
What does that mean? Absolutely,
fucked up the arse, mate.
Do you think we should call her?
No!
No. No. No. Were not calling her.
If she's being nicked and we call
her, then the police get our number.
Then before we know it,
they're sweeping in, arresting us,
Then before we know it,
they're sweeping in, arresting us,
before we've had a chance
to finish our fucking pints.
Alright, so what we gonna do?
- Well, thank you for asking, JJ.
- Snippy.
- Well, thank you for asking, JJ.
- Snippy.
Right, three options.
Option A -
We suck it all off.
We fuck off home on the train,
and I come back up later
We fuck off home on the train,
and I come back up later
when the heat as died down
to collect the truck.
Option B - We call Ringo,
explain what's happened
and let the chips fall
wherever they may.
and let the chips fall
wherever they may.
I don't like that one.
Same. And three?
It's c, in't it?
It's a, b, c.
It's not a, b, fucking three. Jesus.
Fucking c, then.
You know what she means
Fucking c, then.
You know what she means
Alright, C - Ahem. And this one
happens to be my preferred option.
We get another round of drinks in,
snort a few trunkie lines of Gak.
What? Let the good times roll,
knees up mother brown
What? Let the good times roll,
knees up mother brown
and fuck it all off till tomorrow.
C!
Fuck. There's no fucking tyre.
What's he handing to him?
Fuck. There's no fucking tyre.
What's he handing to him?
Oh dude, that's a- that's a-
An industrial tree cutter.
They're gonna eat us. No. No.
There's four of us and two of them.
They're gonna eat us. No. No.
There's four of us and two of them.
One of them has a fake leg.
Fucking hell! Oh, fuck me!
Alright, that's terrifying.
Listen, listen, listen.
Alright, that's terrifying.
Listen, listen, listen.
Alright, it's like
fucking Deliverance.
We've got to get out of here
right the fuck now.
What we do?
Err... Back way. Back way.
We'll go the back way, then.
Err... Back way. Back way.
We'll go the back way, then.
Fuck. It's fucking locked.
Bollocks! Kick it down!
You need to kick it!
Dude has lost his shoe.
Dude, get out of the fucking way.
Dude has lost his shoe.
Dude, get out of the fucking way.
Oh, dude, check all this shit out.
They are sick.
Oh, dude, check all this shit out.
They are sick.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
Where the fuck is Cardi?
Back in. Cardi. Cardi. Cardi.
Puffins!
Put it down. Get the
fuck out of here, man.
Put it down. Get the
fuck out of here, man.
Come on!
Wait! Let's go this way.
Oh!
Get on the bike. Get on the bike.
Has it got keys?
What on earth!
Hey! Stop! Thieves!
Hey! Stop! Thieves!
Hey, what about the Rascal?
We'll get it on the way back.
Oh, stop the bike. Got a signal.
Oh, stop the bike. Got a signal.
Well in, gentlemen! Well in. Fuck me!
Fix-a-flat liquid.
Maybe he was gonna fix the tyre.
Fix-a-flat liquid.
Maybe he was gonna fix the tyre.
About fucking time, some signal.
Right, get in touch
with the others, yeah?
Find out where the fuck they are.
Get a sat-nav as well.
For crying out loud, were not
fucking around now, alright?
For crying out loud, were not
fucking around now, alright?
We're going straight
to fucking Wales.
Piss farting around. Here, I
got a voicemail here of Ringo.
Alright, Vin?
Got a message from Babs.
Alright, Vin?
Got a message from Babs.
Saying she can't make the wedding,
and you and Tommo are to blame.
'For fuck sake man! Listen,'
'For fuck sake man! Listen,'
if she's not there tomorrow,
I'll get the MacDonaghs to cut your
fucking balls off, you daft twat.
'Capisce? You piece of shit.'
'Capisce? You piece of shit.'
Fuck!
I gave you one fucking job!
One fucking job!
To get fucking Babs to Wales, that
was it! Why did she hit a copper?
To get fucking Babs to Wales, that
was it! Why did she hit a copper?
Why? Why?
Because she's a crazy fucking bitch!
Sweetheart, that why- And now she's
in some fucking jail cell somewhere
and frankly, good fucking riddance.
and frankly, good fucking riddance.
It's not good riddance, it's bad!
Fucking MacDonagh's are
gonna cut our dicks off.
What's all this shit, dude? Why you
fucking partying, pizza everywhere?
What's all this shit, dude? Why you
fucking partying, pizza everywhere?
Honestly, dude.
The only reason I'm doing this,
is because I wanna find
Erin and my boy, you know?
is because I wanna find
Erin and my boy, you know?
The last thing I wanna do is
run around the Welsh countryside
looking for a fucking orange
nymphomaniac.
looking for a fucking orange
nymphomaniac.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
Come here, sweetheart, come here.
That's it. It's alright, baby.
Hey. Hmm?
Tell me this, alright. Hmm?
Hey. Hmm?
Tell me this, alright. Hmm?
If we were fucking now, in here,
would that not be very kinky?
Yeah?
Yeah?
You ruin things, dude.
Oh, fuck me. Hey, hey!
What's going on?
McCann got life!
What's going on?
McCann got life!
Fucking life, Vin.
Guilty on all charges.
It's over! It's fucking over!
Feels good, doesn't it, Vin?
Just freedom.
Back to the way we were.
Honestly, I miss Cardi, though.
My best mate, and now just-
My best mate, and now just-
Hey, he's still your best mate, Ash.
Yeah. My sister's stole him
away from me, you know.
Isn't that mad?
Isn't that mad?
My own sister stole
my best mate away from me.
Give over.
Look, it happens, man.
Look, it happens, man.
People fall for one another.
It's what happens.
We can't help but think
about them all the time.
They're the only person
you want to be with.
They're the only person
you want to be with.
But that doesn't mean that he
doesn't love his mate, you know.
He needs ya. Yeah
Definitely. Hmm, definitely.
What time is it?
Oh, fuck me.
There's no point.
I'm never gonna fall asleep.
I'm never gonna fall asleep.
It's been nice partying
about the McCann thing.
But fuck me, dude.
I just want to get to
that fucking trailer park.
I just want to get to
that fucking trailer park.
Well, go, then.
I swear to God.
Whinging about it. Just go.
Jump on that fucking motorcycle
out there a go immediately.
Jump on that fucking motorcycle
out there a go immediately.
But Babs and-
We'll sort Babs out.
Don't worry about that. Just go.
I'm only gonna say it once.
Just GO, will you?
Alright, man. Give us me coat.
Alright, man. Give us me coat.
Try not slam that door, will you?
You what?
# I would have given you
All of my heart
# But there's someone
Who's torn it apart
# But there's someone
Who's torn it apart
# Baby I'll try to love again
# But I know
# But I know
# The first cut is the deepest
# Baby I know
# Baby I know
# The first cut is the deepest
# 'Cause when it comes
To being lucky he's cursed
# 'Cause when it comes
To being lucky he's cursed
# That's how I know... #
Dude, I'm really sorry
to bother you, man.
Could you just quickly switch the
pumps on for me, like a good'en?
Could you just quickly switch the
pumps on for me, like a good'en?
Not open till ten.
Oh, fucking hell, man.
You could be a fucking hero.
Stop sweeping the floor and
just come over to me one sec.
Stop sweeping the floor and
just come over to me one sec.
Comes a time in everyman's life,
where he has to step up,
and turn the pumps on
before they're due.
and turn the pumps on
before they're due.
Not open till ten.
Dude, you're a fucking arsehole,
and you're a turd.
You're a turd and a dickhead.
Yeah, you are.
You're a turd and a dickhead.
Yeah, you are.
I'm taking this bike.
I'm gonna take your bike.
You've brought this on yourself.
You forgot to put the padlock
on the outside like a fucking Rita.
See you later.
Oi, get back here!
That's smart. Ready? Let's go.
Yeah.
Thank you, Annie. See ya.
Just let me do the talking.
Let me do the talking.
Fucking hell.
Ahem! I called
earlier. I'm looking for Barbara
Speed!
Yes, we're her solicitors,
and I want to tell you now
Yes, we're her solicitors,
and I want to tell you now
she's been the victim
of overzealous policing,
and she should not be here
cage-ed... like a common criminal.
We released her 30 minutes ago
with a warning.
We released her 30 minutes ago
with a warning.
Righto.
Good.
As well you should.
It's his first day.
It's his first day.
# Listen to the girl
# As she takes on half the world
# As she takes on half the world
# Moving up and so alive... #
What are you doing?
Digging a hole with a stick.
Digging a hole with a stick.
Digging a hole with a stick.
Here. I nicked that.
Do you want it?
Don't fall off. Don't tell
anyone where you got it.
You alright, love?
Sorry to bother you.
Erin Croft, I'm looking for her.
She's got a little lad called Tyler.
Is she around here?
She's in number 35
down the bottom.
She's in number 35
down the bottom.
Thank God for that.
You are a bloody angel.
Or she was. Think she's moving on.
Oh, fuck me.
Erin?
Erin?
Erin, if you're in there,
and you can hear me,
I'm fucking sorry I've come.
I just-
I'm fucking sorry I've come.
I just-
I didn't know what to do.
I-I love you, and I love Tyler.
McCann's gone.
He's been sent down.
So you don't have to worry about
all them threats he was making.
So you don't have to worry about
all them threats he was making.
He's gone... for a long time.
You took my boy away from me...
..without saying goodbye.
..without saying goodbye.
Another ten minutes and
I'd-I'd have been gone.
Where's Tyler?
He's just saying goodbye
to a few of his mates.
So he's-he's definitely
gone down, McCann?
Yeah. Life sentence. He gone.
Thank God.
Thank God.
Vin?
Hmm?
I'm planning on a new life,
away from Hawley.
Hey, you don't have to now,
if you don't want.
Hey, you don't have to now,
if you don't want.
You're safe now. He's gone.
You know I fucking love you
and I love that boy.
You know I fucking love you
and I love that boy.
I need you near me.
Can't just run away from your
friends. You've got a life there.
Have I?
Yeah.
Have I?
Yeah.
Look, I know, I know you wanna go.
I know you wanna leave one day.
I know you wanna leave one day.
Maybe just come back
for a little bit.
# Yeah!
# Don't look back into the sun
# Well, you know
That the time has come
# Well, you know
That the time has come
# And they said it would
Never come for you
# Ah-ah-ah oh
# Oh, my friend, you haven't changed
# Oh, my friend, you haven't changed
# You're looking rough
And living strange
# And I know... #
I love him so much.
I love him so much.
I am never cheating on him again.
I just want to be in Ringo's arms
and never ever let go.
Yeah, and maybe, er, lay off
the prawn cocktail as well, eh?
Yeah, and maybe, er, lay off
the prawn cocktail as well, eh?
It was shrimp!
Hey up, guys! Look who it is!
Where is he? Come here!
Hey.
Hey.
I've missed you.
I've missed you.
Come here. Good to see ya.
Good to see you. Aww, little man.
# And I need you now tonight
# And I need you now tonight
# And I need you... #
I love you so much.
# And we'll only be making it right
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong
# Together we can take it
To the end of the line
# Your love is like a shadow
On me all of the time... #
# Your love is like a shadow
On me all of the time... #
You made it then, Vincent.
Jeez!
You just fucking ruin everything.
I know, love.
Great news about McCann.
I know, love.
Great news about McCann.
Yeah, it is, actually.
You're now free to sell your weed
without fear or torment.
Good for you, Vincent, good for you.
Good for you, Vincent, good for you.
Just so long as no one finds out
your new grow is in the basement
of the Rat and Cutter.
Oh! Now, Davey...
Too late, Vincent.
What the fuck are you-
It's all mine now. Shit!
What the fuck are you-
It's all mine now. Shit!
Now, now, let's not
spoil the occasion. Yeah.
We'll talk next week.
I've actually got a
little proposal for you.
I've actually got a
little proposal for you.
I can give you the answer now, lad's.
It's a no.
We'll see, sweetheart.
We'll see. Hmm.
We'll see. Hmm.
Right set of wanking
spanners on you, Bazz.
Fucking pint full of dicks.
Fucking pint full of dicks.
# We'll be holding on forever
# And we'll only be making it right
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong
# Together we can take it
To the end of the line... #
Get a winning dog, win thousands.
Get a winning dog, win thousands.
Say hello to Arson Fire.
That's not good.
Please tell me you're not getting
involved with the MacDonagh's.
Please tell me you're not getting
involved with the MacDonagh's.
Towels off.
The dog found it.
That's severed.
Say hello to my little friend.
It's my birthday!
It's my birthday!
Trapped in an undertaker's freezer.
Don't panic.
Mr McCann, I've got a proposal.
The bank gave you a loan.
Yes.
I hope you are not telling me
any porkies.
The safe is no longer here.
The safe is no longer here.
Terence- You're done.
He wouldn't do anything
to Tyler, would he?
Nothing is happening to the boy.
Where is Tyler?
He is gone. I lost him.
Where is Tyler?
He is gone. I lost him.
Tyler? I'll get him back.
"My darling Vinnie.
I am scared, so I have to go.
I will miss you forever.
I will miss you forever.
And I hope you can forgive me."
# I am just a man
# Tipping on the wire
# Tipping on the wire
# Tight rope walking fool
# Balanced on desire
# Balanced on desire
# I can not control
# These ever changing ways
# These ever changing ways
# So how can I be sure
# The feeling will remain
# The feeling will remain
# It'll always change
# It'll always change
# But everything I am is yours- #
Oh, fuck me!
Careful dickhead! Hey up!
Vinnie?
Come here, Ringo.
Good to see you.
Come here, Ringo.
Good to see you.
You stink of patchouli oil, man.
It's overwhelming?
I nearly fucking killed you there.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm fucking
miles away at the minute.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm fucking
miles away at the minute.
Yeah, well, I'm glad I
nearly killed you there,
'cause me and the band
have got a gig tonight.
Brilliant. 'Cause, er, you'll never
guess who's getting married again?
Brilliant. 'Cause, er, you'll never
guess who's getting married again?
Yeah? Go on? Well guess.
I don't... know. No guess, man.
Fuck me. Pete the eunuch?
No, it's me, you daft twat.
Fuck me. Pete the eunuch?
No, it's me, you daft twat.
Hey! Fantastic!
And you'll never guess
who I'm getting married to.
I don't- It's Babs.
Babs? Fucking Babs...
is who YOU'RE getting married to.
Babs? Fucking Babs...
is who YOU'RE getting married to.
But you got married
and you got divorced.
And now we're getting married again.
The prawn cocktail thing nearly
tore you a new arsehole, didn't it?
The prawn cocktail thing nearly
tore you a new arsehole, didn't it?
You were really upset.
Well, the thing is
I put that behind us, Vin.
You know, forgive and forget.
She's a good girl and it's
for keeps this time. Good man.
She's a good girl and it's
for keeps this time. Good man.
That's fucking fantastic.
I'm made up for you, man.
Listen I'll see you tonight, then?
Grand.
Eight o'clock, Crow's Nest.
It's a fucking date.
'Ere, bring Erin. Oh...
Alright, cheerio, dickhead.
'Ere, bring Erin. Oh...
Alright, cheerio, dickhead.
Yeah.
Go on, get out of it,
you big cunt.
Fucking hell!
Bell end. What ya doing?
Sorry. Fuck me. Sorry. Miles away.
# The best things in life are free
# The best things in life are free
# But you can give them
To the birds and bees
# I need money... #
I just wanna know where she is,
know what I mean?
Yeah. Well, she says
she doesn't want finding.
Yeah. Well, she says
she doesn't want finding.
Yeah, I know. But she's fucked off
with my little lad, Cardi,
and I'm fucking-
My heart's breaking.
and I'm fucking-
My heart's breaking.
She's scared about McCann.
Yeah, but fucking hell. He's not
gonna be around much longer, is he?
He's getting sent down, hopefully.
He'll be gone out
of our life's forever.
Just need to see her...
..so I can talk to her properly.
I don't like seeing you sad, man.
I don't like seeing you sad, man.
Do you wanna throw the ball?
Oh shit, yeah.
Oh, fuck me. Dude, shit.
Hey! You fucking idiots!
Idiots!
Hey! You fucking idiots!
Idiots!
He's fuck- He's- He's run off.
We are Tonguesten and we came here
to rock your bloody tits off!
We are Tonguesten and we came here
to rock your bloody tits off!
That is shit, innit?
That to me, is the dying
screams of a murder victim.
Ted Bundy, the musical.
Ted Bundy, the musical.
I'd fucking watch that.
That name - Tonguesten, yeah?
I mean, I assume it's a play
on the word Tungsten,
but it's not even a heavy metal.
It'll shatter on impact.
but it's not even a heavy metal.
It'll shatter on impact.
You know what, yeah?
They should have called it
something like, Titanium-
Shut up!
Have you-Have you heard from her?
No! Fuck no!
Have you-Have you heard from her?
No! Fuck no!
No. Only a few WhatsApp
video's from Tyler, that's it.
Have you heard anything? Nah.
Hiya, boys! Eh, boys?
Oh, Sugar, you're always
seeking attention.
You alright, Babs?
What's going on with that little
diabetes shoe you've got there?
What's going on with that little
diabetes shoe you've got there?
Ketamine and roller skating
do not mix.
Well, you look very well.
Aw, this is the glow of true love.
Well, you look very well.
Aw, this is the glow of true love.
I think it's great
that you're trying again.
There's not many couples could get
over that prawn cocktail incident.
It was shrimp.
And it was a misunderstanding.
It was shrimp.
And it was a misunderstanding.
So Barbara, when's the big day?
Are we all invited, then?
This Saturday, in Merthyr Tydfil
where my parents are.
You are all more than welcome.
You are all more than welcome.
Tonguesten are playing!
Oh, well, in that case,
abso-fucking-lutely not!
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
'Hi, it's Erin. Leave a message
after the beep. Bye.'
'Hi, it's Erin. Leave a message
after the beep. Bye.'
Look, it's me again. For the
fifteen hundredth fucking time.
I know you're getting
these messages, Erin...
..and I just wish I knew
where you were.
I only want to help you out, ya know?
Fucking hell's teeth!
Oh, course. Why won't it be!
Oh, course. Why won't it be!
Fuck are you doing
in middle of woods?
Oh, this is nice and cosy, Vin.
What do you want?
Well, I gave my friends the slip
to come and find you. Right, then?
Well, I gave my friends the slip
to come and find you. Right, then?
Because, Vinnie, there's one thing
I need from you, before I get wed.
Go on then?
I need you to make love to me.
Go on then?
I need you to make love to me.
Pfft! Gross! Taking the piss?
You do fancy me, don't you?
No! Well, that's not true.
That's not the issue, though,
is it Babs?
That's not the issue, though,
is it Babs?
You're getting fucking married,
this weekend, to bloody Ringo.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, I'm committing myself
to him for the rest of my life.
But before I get hitched,
I just need one last one,
But before I get hitched,
I just need one last one,
and I'm choosing you, Vinnie.
No, you. Just away over there.
No, you. Just away over there.
Er, no.
Oh, come on. We're here now.
I'll just take my clothes off.
Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?
Wading through the woods
like a sexual tyrannosaur.
Wading through the woods
like a sexual tyrannosaur.
You doing like that- Er, no!
You're terrifying tonight.
What's matter with you?
Come on. Nobody'd know.
I will know, won't I? I'll know.
That'll never leave me. I'm very sad.
I will know, won't I? I'll know.
That'll never leave me. I'm very sad.
I'm very depressed, and fuck me,
dude, I'm missing my fucking boy.
And even if I wanted to shag ya...
And even if I wanted to shag ya...
..my todger doesn't really work.
What if I showed you my boob trick?
Go on then.
What if I showed you my boob trick?
Go on then.
Together. Hmm.
Single. Individual. Together.
Single.
It's amazing. Do you want a brew?
No, do you wanna finger me?
No! How many sugars do you want?
Uh, three, please.
Hi, Daddy.
Mummy and me are having
a great time on our trip,
Mummy and me are having
a great time on our trip,
but look. I broke my arm,
and it doesn't even hurt.
And... I've drawn you, too,
And... I've drawn you, too,
but mum says it's
got too much hair.
Love you, daddy.
Hmm. He's cute.
I never knew that
you and Erin uh-uhh.
I never knew that
you and Erin uh-uhh.
Hmm, yeah, many moons ago.
We were wrecked.
Ended up coming away with
this little horror.
Ended up coming away with
this little horror.
You must miss him like crazy.
I do, yeah.
Feels like someone's
ripped my bloody arm off. Hmm.
And you've no idea where they are?
No.
And you've no idea where they are?
No.
No, I mean, fucking hell,
they could be anywhere.
It's a shame you don't know a
doctor. They could tell you.
It's a shame you don't know a
doctor. They could tell you.
How do you mean?
Well, if Tyler's broken his arm,
means he's been to a hospital.
So it'll be on his medical records,
you know, the name of the hospital,
So it'll be on his medical records,
you know, the name of the hospital,
temporary address.
But that's all confidential.
You'd have to know a doctor really
well to get that kind of info.
You'd have to know a doctor really
well to get that kind of info.
Fucking-
It's terrifying how you just
put all that together like that.
You're a fucking genius, Babs.
Shit, dude,
I could lay you right now.
Shit, dude,
I could lay you right now.
There's always time for that, love.
Absolutely not!
Chris.
Christopher, it's fucking Vincent
Jesus Christ. Oh!
Hello.
Hiyah, is Christopher in?
He says to tell you that he's busy.
He says to tell you that he's busy.
Right, you just go in there, and
you tell that posh fat-headed turd
to bring his bony arse to come down
to this porch, on the immediate.
to bring his bony arse to come down
to this porch, on the immediate.
Or I'll cut his fucking
weed supply off.
He does have a lovely arse.
He also has a fat head.
Vinnie, what do you want?
Hi, I'm Chris.
Vinnie, what do you want?
Hi, I'm Chris.
I'm Barbara. Nice outfit.
It's my hen do.
What's going on. Why you here?
What's going on. Why you here?
Did you not- Have you got changed?
No. Eh?
Different person. Twins.
Different person. Twins.
God sake!
Why can't people just cuddle?
I need a favour.
It's deeply unethical,
and Babs is caning for a shit.
- Come on, dude. It's cold.
- Come on, quick.
- Come on, dude. It's cold.
- Come on, quick.
So there we were in the dark,
hammer and tongs going at it.
The light came on.
It was his bloody dad!
The light came on.
It was his bloody dad!
Can you believe it?
Dude, these threesomes...
Is there not like a moment
when you're like, pfft,
Is there not like a moment
when you're like, pfft,
it's all a bit much?
You never had a threesome?
No I've never had a fucking three-
Never even had a twosome, barely.
They're phenomenal, Vinnie.
Got Amelia over there stroking your
hair with long manicured fingers.
Got Amelia over there stroking your
hair with long manicured fingers.
Meanwhile, Jemima, downstairs,
taking care of business. Gross.
Meanwhile, Jemima, downstairs,
taking care of business. Gross.
Listen, if I give you any advice,
medical advice, as your doctor,
don't die before you've had
a threesome.
Here we are.
Go on.
Tyler Croft. Three-
Er, confidentiality.
Tyler Croft. Three-
Er, confidentiality.
Hospital admission - 3-6-2013.
Bronglais General Hospital,
Caradog Road, Aberystwyth.
Bronglais General Hospital,
Caradog Road, Aberystwyth.
That's Wal- That's Wales, in it?
Yeah.
Is there an address?
Care of address.
Give us that, then. What does it say?
Gell-dilly-ywll
caravan park in Grad-clan-
Gell-dilly-ywll
caravan park in Grad-clan-
I mean, it's just letters
tossed together Welsh, isn't it?
Christ, she's on a fucking
trailer park in Wales?
Christ, she's on a fucking
trailer park in Wales?
It says "care of address
until the end of month."
Shit. Well that's
this fucking weekend.
She'll be on her way back, maybe.
Or moving on.
Or moving on.
Shit. Babs?
Yeah!
How far's Merthyr Tydfil
from Aberys- Aberystwyth?
How far's Merthyr Tydfil
from Aberys- Aberystwyth?
Yeah.
Oh, I don't know, love.
60 miles?
That's not so bad. Can I still
come to your wedding, please?
Oh, course you can, love.
Oh, course you can, love.
Hey, ask your friend
if I can stay the night.
Course you can.
Never had a foursome.
It'll be horrible.
Never had a foursome.
It'll be horrible.
Chinny chin chin. Chinny chin chin.
Up the bum no harm done.
Ho, ho, ho! Bonjour, madams
and monsieur. Comment ete-vous?
Ho, ho, ho! Bonjour, madams
and monsieur. Comment ete-vous?
What the fuck's all this, dude?
This, my luscious lads,
is my latest business venture.
A reflective truck?
A reflective truck?
Yes, Dylan, very observant.
Reflective truck from the outside.
But from the inside...
- ..observavous.
- Absolutely wonderful.
- ..observavous.
- Absolutely wonderful.
The whole thing's all two way glass.
It's one way glass, in't it, Ashley?
'Cause two way glass,
that's just normal glass, in't it?
'Cause two way glass,
that's just normal glass, in't it?
Think about it.
Oh, one way glass, woah!
Right you and you.
On the bed. Why?
Demonstration time.
Now the world, as I see it, right,
is full of exhibitionists, alright?
Now the world, as I see it, right,
is full of exhibitionists, alright?
So let's pretend, for a moment,
that our lovely young couple here
are, in fact, fornicating.
Now, go on. Oh, fuck off.
Ashley, take it away.
Ashley, take it away.
Now meanwhile, I'll be upfront.
I'll be driving us round,
past shops, past cafes,
maybe past a cop car.
And in the back, although
they know it's an illusion,
And in the back, although
they know it's an illusion,
it will seem to them
for all the world,
as if they are fucking in public.
I have struck gold
with this one. I'm telling ya.
I can feel it in my piss.
I can feel it in my piss.
Ashley, give over man, will ya?
Hey! Get that off!
You're confusing him.
Paid £16.99. Ah! Jesus Christ.
Look, be that as it may, I am
fucking impressed. It's cool.
Look, be that as it may, I am
fucking impressed. It's cool.
But, I mean...
Today it's gonna have to
just be a shit van, innit?
Today it's gonna have to
just be a shit van, innit?
Driving to mid Wales.
That's not really the point of it.
Listen, the rest of you lot,
you better have kept schtum
about this fucking Erin mission.
Alright? 'Cause if she finds out
that I'm on me way-
Alright? 'Cause if she finds out
that I'm on me way-
Well, she could fucking bolt here.
So, let's all see them zips.
Zip gesture.
Dude, zip gesture. Do the thing.
Dude, zip gesture. Do the thing.
Why would I do the zip gesture?
Why wouldn't you do the zip gesture?
I'm not a child.
You hiding something?
You're hiding something.
I'm not hiding something.
Do the gesture! You're pathetic.
I'm not hiding something.
Do the gesture! You're pathetic.
Alright, sound.
Unzip for it, you fucking melon.
Unzip for it, you fucking melon.
There's only one slight problem,
right.
Um, my wife, Carol...
She wants to come and I couldn't
think of a reason why she couldn't.
Dude, I gave you the fucking reason.
It is a boys only road trip.
Dude, I gave you the fucking reason.
It is a boys only road trip.
Hiyah, boys.
Oh, shit, Babs is here.
Get out of way.
Oh, shit, Babs is here.
Get out of way.
Why's she coming?
Hey up, Babs, come in a second.
What else?
Have you brought your mum, have ya?
This is absolute fucking madness.
You gonna pick up a hitchhiker now,
so she can get laid?
What am I gonna do? What am I-
What am I gonna do? What am I-
I mean, she wants to get laid one
more time before she gets hitched.
She wants to frolic, man.
So what happened with Dr Chris?
But-
She said it was weird.
Actually-
Actually what she said was...
I liked the idea, but the reality,
there were too many elbows. Hm.
I liked the idea, but the reality,
there were too many elbows. Hm.
Why's she even marrying him
if she's still acting like this?
Dyldo, honestly, I'm as happy
about it as you are, bud,
but she's helping me find Erin,
so that's what I'm gonna fucking do.
but she's helping me find Erin,
so that's what I'm gonna fucking do.
Poor Ringo
I know. She's an animal, dude.
So you still haven't found
the right woman, Tommo, or man?
So you still haven't found
the right woman, Tommo, or man?
You know me, Barbara.
I'm a cowboy, on a silver horse
I ride.
What the fuck does that mean?
No you should settle down, love.
What the fuck does that mean?
No you should settle down, love.
Trust me.
I mean, look at them two.
Who the hell
put them two together?
Opposites attract, innit?
Oh, you know what?
I think it's brilliant.
Oh, you know what?
I think it's brilliant.
Half the town's seen
your girlfriend's jigglers
and you were OK with it.
What the fuck? Ha!
You either shut your gob or you're
getting married with a shiner.
You either shut your gob or you're
getting married with a shiner.
See? Love, wonderful.
Here we go.
Let me ask you a question.
You ever had a threesome?
Let me ask you a question.
You ever had a threesome?
No. Lying, straight away.
Straight away,
you fucking handsome liar.
Dude, everyone's having
really sexy tropical sexy time.
Dude, everyone's having
really sexy tropical sexy time.
I'm just fucking wanking
in the deep down-
I bet he's had a bloody threesome,
hasn't he?
Ash. Yeah. Well, yeah. No. Yeah.
What's this?
Ash. Yeah. Well, yeah. No. Yeah.
What's this?
Threesomes. Dyl's saying you had one.
We did. Hey?
You were inside.
I'm surprised you told him.
I didn't fucking tell him.
What the f-
What the actual fuck?
What the f-
What the actual fuck?
No, we were- We- Hey!
We were off our faces.
Yeah. Yeah. It was just messing.
Weird.
Give me a fucking crunchie.
It did happen, though.
What? It didn't fucking happen.
I just can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
Hey! Don't show him fucking that!
Don't show it to me! Put it away!
That there is motion sickness like.
We can't travel there in the back.
We can't travel there in the back.
There's only one seat
up at the front with me.
So one of you can go with Vincent.
Oi, Cardi, come and jump in
back with me and our Ashley.
Can have a lie down, love.
Can have a lie down, love.
Has anyone got any food,
I'm fucking starving now?
Not to freak anyone out there, lads,
but when we pulled up, that car
pulled up and no-one's gotten out,
and now we're setting off,
they're setting off.
Shit, you don't think
it's McCann's men, do you?
Why the fuck would it be
McCann's men?
"Why would it be McCann's men?"
We got him sent down.
"Why would it be McCann's men?"
We got him sent down.
He's being sentenced today. Shit.
See if they follow.
Shit. They're following.
Shit. Bollocks.
Shit. They're following.
Shit. Bollocks.
You know, we wanna to be certain.
Take the next exit there.
Can't, dude. I'm gonna
fucking lose Tommo, won't we?
Fuck Tommo. Why did I swap cars?
Take the next left please.
Fuck Tommo. Why did I swap cars?
Take the next left please.
Are they still following?
Er... no.
Oh, shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
They're following. Fucker!
I don't wanna die!
I should've stayed with Carol.
I don't wanna die!
I should've stayed with Carol.
They're coming up pretty
fucking fast now, dude.
Go faster than they are, dude.
Go. Go. Go.
What do think I'm tryna-
What do you think I'm tryna do?
It'll only go so fast.
Vin. Vin. I'm too young to die!
It'll only go so fast.
Vin. Vin. I'm too young to die!
You're not gonna die, Cardi.
Last time you said that,
someone got their head chopped off!
Well, at least, you've
had a fucking threesome.
Well, at least, you've
had a fucking threesome.
Shit! We're being rammed.
Why are they fucking ramming us?
They're ramming us.
Why are they fucking ramming us?
They're ramming us.
Let's just-
Let's just stop the car.
Slow down and, and fucking
reason with 'em.
Oh, that's a fucking fantastic idea.
Let's just stop the car
and reason with the men
Let's just stop the car
and reason with the men
who are trying to ram us
off the fucking road.
Shit! Fucking hell!
Oh, woah, woah, woah, woah!
Wait! Hey, move!
Oh, woah, woah, woah, woah!
Wait! Hey, move!
No! No! No! There's a sign!
It's closed!
They're never doing any fucking work.
I'm gonna get us through there.
They're never doing any fucking work.
I'm gonna get us through there.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Fucking hell! Ooh!
We'll have to go through the back.
Fuck me.
We'll have to go through the back.
Fuck me.
Davey, what the fuck man?
The fuck are you playing at, eh?
You nearly killed us there. We
were just having some fun, Vincent.
You nearly killed us there. We
were just having some fun, Vincent.
Why are you following us?
Following ya?
What a vivid imagination you have,
Vincent.
We were just on our way to
a wedding. Pure coincidence.
We were just on our way to
a wedding. Pure coincidence.
Not Ringo and Babs, huh?
Yes. Ringo's an old pal
of mine. You going, too?
We fucking were. Yes, we were.
We fucking were. Yes, we were.
Should be a nice bash.
Maybe see you down there, boys.
Come and help us- No, no, no!
Hey! Come pull us out, man.
Behave yourself.
Hey! Come pull us out, man.
Behave yourself.
Sorry. Got a long journey ahead.
Oh, by the way, Vincent.
I do hope your weed grows safe
while you're away.
I do hope your weed grows safe
while you're away.
"finders keepers."
What's he on about?
They're trying to nick the weed.
Don't nick- Don't nick the weed.
Don't nick- Don't nick the weed.
What you doing?
Wishing them well
What the fuck.
Don't, don't wave at him.
Dylan, I would
check the carburettor.
Dylan, I would
check the carburettor.
Fuck.
No signal.
We're gonna have to
push this car, lads.
Right, you get on that end.
Right, you get on that end.
Me and Cardi will pull.
Are you ready? Yeah.
One, two, three, go.
Dude, there's just no way we're
getting out of here without a tow.
Dude, there's just no way we're
getting out of here without a tow.
You slapper. Fuck!
This is farming land, yeah?
So, logic dictates, there's gotta
be a farmer round here somewhere.
So, logic dictates, there's gotta
be a farmer round here somewhere.
So we'll just have to find one
and see if they can pull us out.
That's not a bad idea. Come on then.
Let's go find this fucking farmer.
Cardi. Come on, love.
Let's go find this fucking farmer.
Cardi. Come on, love.
Now then, Barbara.
Now then, Barbara.
In my experience, right, a trucker
is a very randy breed of man.
So, what I'm pitching to you,
sweetheart, is this.
We use our time here wisely,
you choose one you like the look of,
We use our time here wisely,
you choose one you like the look of,
and we get this whole one last fling
idea put to bed once and for all.
How's about that?
But they're all fat, Tommo. And old.
How's about that?
But they're all fat, Tommo. And old.
I want a skinny man.
I know, sweetheart, but, er,
beggars can't be choosers, can they?
So what about this chap
here in the Hi-Viz?
So what about this chap
here in the Hi-Viz?
Hey? What about him?
Lovely chap, shiny head-
Oh, he looks like my Uncle Alwyn.
I'm not having my last new penis
be a sweaty trucker, Tommo.
They probably never wash.
They probably never wash.
It'll be like a cheese factory
down there.
I do have taste, love. Standards.
Thank you very much, Vincent.
Thank you very much.
Dick head.
Oh, fuck!
Lost my fucking shoe there.
Help me find it.
Send them a message.
Tell them we're cracking on. They'll
have to meet us there. Sugar.
I don't like this.
My Cardi would never
switch his phone off.
My Cardi would never
switch his phone off.
Yeah, but what else can we do?
I don't know.
But he's gonna be lost
without his mammy.
But he's gonna be lost
without his mammy.
He's like a small boy
needing the nipple.
A soft ample breast of affection.
Hiyah, love. What's your name?
Leo.
Hiyah, love. What's your name?
Leo.
Hiyah, Leo.
Your daddy's very handsome.
Your daddy's very handsome.
For Pete's sake. Come on, B.
Get off!
I bet, since you arrived,
you've stopped all your daddy's fun,
I bet, since you arrived,
you've stopped all your daddy's fun,
and I bet your daddy hasn't had any
bouncy bounce in a long, long time.
and I bet your daddy hasn't had any
bouncy bounce in a long, long time.
Hey, lady!
If I could just borrow your daddy,
would that be alright?
We're really sorry about this.
Get off me! Who the hell are you?
We're really sorry about this.
Get off me! Who the hell are you?
You've got a lovely husband.
Five minutes.
Five minutes, let me go!
Cut his dick off.
No! No! No! No!
Cut his dick off.
No! No! No! No!
It's McCann's sentencing today.
Fucking shitting myself.
If he don't get sent down,
he'll come for us, you know.
If he don't get sent down,
he'll come for us, you know.
Might have to come
and live out here.
Dick head.
Come on. They've got him on five
counts. Surely a couple must stick.
Come on. They've got him on five
counts. Surely a couple must stick.
What's that noise?
Alright. How's it going?
Stop you there. Where's he going?
What's he doing?
Stop you there. Where's he going?
What's he doing?
Just hang on. Hang on.
So sorry, mate.
I'm so sorry to stop you like this.
So sorry, mate.
I'm so sorry to stop you like this.
Just turn off the-
Turn it off with the screwdriver,
why not?
Listen, we got ourselves
in a right jam.
We got stuck in a bridge, you see.
We got stuck in a bridge, you see.
We're looking for a farm,
so that maybe a tractor,
a bit of a tow situation going on.
You know what I mean?
Can you tell us where
the farm is, please?
Can you tell us where
the farm is, please?
Well, as it happens, gentlemen...
..this is your lucky day...
..because I live up
at the old farmhouse.
..because I live up
at the old farmhouse.
That's amazing. Thank God for that.
Have you got a tractor?
Yes.
Could you help pull us out
with said tractor, do you think?
Could you help pull us out
with said tractor, do you think?
I can, on two conditions.
You must remove your shoes before
entering my vehicle,
and two, I have a small job
to attend.
OK. I'm just-
OK. I'm just-
Just out of interest, I just wonder
how long that's gonna take, that job?
No more than 11 minutes.
No more than 11 minutes.
Outstanding. Guys, get in the car.
Can I go in front? No.
Knobhead
Man, thanks for picking us up.
My name's Vinnie,
That's Dylan... Ey up man.
..Ashley, and that's Cardi.
Hiyah.
I'm Eric, Eric Nosh.
I'm Eric, Eric Nosh.
Don't worry.
I've heard all the jokes.
Blowjob jokes your whole life.
Blowjob jokes your whole life.
What?
No... food.
Oh, right, yeah. OK, sorry.
Oh, right, yeah. OK, sorry.
A-ha!
Here's my little friend.
What's he doing?
He's got an imaginary friend,
this man.
He's got an imaginary friend,
this man.
I hope he's not a serial killer.
Serial killers
don't wear crocks, man.
That's not the fashion
of a serial killer.
There it is. Dead fox.
Still quite fresh.
Have you all eaten?
Hey, Cardi stop freaking out.
You've watched too many movies.
What if he comes back with an axe?
He's an old man.
We could overpower him easy.
He's an old man.
We could overpower him easy.
Not if he's got a gun.
He had a fucking axe a second ago.
What if he's got both.
What if these teas are drugged?
You've eaten enough of his biscuits,
haven't you, Cardi? Hey, hey, oi!
You've eaten enough of his biscuits,
haven't you, Cardi? Hey, hey, oi!
Give over now.
He's just a bloke who's gonna put his
fucking boots on and give us a tow.
Yeah, human tow.
Right then, that's the footwear
situation amended. How's the tea?
Right then, that's the footwear
situation amended. How's the tea?
Good. Yeah. Good. Fantastic.
I brought you these.
That's good of ya.
It's a crock and a pink sock.
Yeah.
Just admiring your stu-
your stuffed animal.
Just admiring your stu-
your stuffed animal.
Do you do a bit of taxidermy?
Yes, it's a hobby of mine.
Hence the fox.
Yes, it's a hobby of mine.
Hence the fox.
Ah, he doesn't eat them.
You don't eat roadkill, do ya?
Absolutely. I eat them.
You eat them? Yeah
Absolutely. I eat them.
You eat them? Yeah
Follow me.
A barn owl, that's a lovely bird.
Sparrow hawk.
That one flew into the window.
Sparrow hawk.
That one flew into the window.
Hedgehog... surprisingly nutty.
Polecat, odd spongy texture. Ugh!
Look at that... deer.
Testies and his penis.
Look at that... deer.
Testies and his penis.
Can you eat a penis, can you?
You can eat penis, certainly.
Right
You can eat penis, certainly.
Right
Tends to be a tad grisly,
but we persevere. Good on ya.
So as you can see.
We shagged the fucking
thing into the bridge.
You have got yourselves in a fix.
You have got yourselves in a fix.
Yes we do.
Could you unfix us, please?
Attach this to your van.
Not the bumper.
Obviously. You know what I mean.
Obviously. You know what I mean.
He thinks were a bunch
of lemon heads, this lad.
Look at this now.
Bumper straight away.
What you doing there, you?
That's the fucking bumper.
What you doing there, you?
That's the fucking bumper.
Give it to me. Your over tired.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Oh, fuck a duck.
Fuck me.
Look at the state of that.
I assume you have
yourselves a spare.
I assume you have
yourselves a spare.
No.
I do have a friend.
Human or animal?
Very human - Walter.
He runs a garage, but it's, er,
several miles away, I'm afraid.
Right. How long do you think it'd
take Walter to get here with a spare?
Right. How long do you think it'd
take Walter to get here with a spare?
He usually takes a nap around
this time, as he only has one leg.
Of course he does.
Best course of action -
come back to mine,
Best course of action -
come back to mine,
spot of dinner, while we wait.
Yes? Yes. What?
Shit. Why?
I don't know why I said it, I
panicked. I just panicked guys.
I don't know why I said it, I
panicked. I just panicked guys.
For fuck me. Just get in
the back of the trailer.
You'd love it if I was a
stranger and I was coming on to you.
He'd think you were a tart.
A tart is it? Stripper.
He'd think you were a tart.
A tart is it? Stripper.
Yes tart it is.
And it's ex-stripper.
Twat. Twat is it?
Yes, it is twat. Welsh. Tart.
Fucking stop it! Stop it!
Oh, cops!
Oh, hey-aw! That's bad.
Oh, hey-aw! That's bad.
You just please tell me that
you are taxed and insured.
Er, not exactly, no.
Meaning? Er, not at all.
Meaning? Er, not at all.
I told you so many fucking times.
You need to be taxed and insured!
Will one of you please
just swap places with me,
Will one of you please
just swap places with me,
because as it happens, I also
don't have a driver's license.
Leave this to me.
There's not a cop in the world
that can resist the Irish charm.
There's not a cop in the world
that can resist the Irish charm.
What seems to be
the officer, problem?
This your vehicle, madam?
It not, actually, no.
This your vehicle, madam?
It not, actually, no.
We borrowed it off a friend,
because this lady here
is getting married tomorrow
in Merthyr Tydil,
and we have to get there as a
great matter of great urgency.
and we have to get there as a
great matter of great urgency.
Love your uniform. Thanks.
I used to go to place like that,
you know,
people dressing up
as a doctors, cops.
Firemen were my faves. Right.
Firemen were my faves. Right.
Out of the vehicle, please.
All of you.
Open the back please. Fine.
Open the back please. Fine.
What we got going on in here, then?
It's a mobile erotic parlour, innit?
You making pornography?
No, no, no!
Nothing like that, sweetheart.
No. No. No. No. I have done
the porn, Eager Beavers 23.
Very successful series, it was, too.
It went downhill, though,
after I'd seen Eager Beavers 29.
But very popular out there.
Very, very popular.
But very popular out there.
Very, very popular.
I assume this is in no way
an illegal endeavour?
Absolutely not
Jesus! Oi!
Wait here. Oi!
What the fuck did she do that for?
Right, fuck it. Lets get off.
let's get off.
Go on, get in, get in the van!
Go on, get in, get in the van!
Look this is getting
fucking stupid, this is.
I mean, for crying out loud,
we've been here bloody hours now.
I mean, for crying out loud,
we've been here bloody hours now.
If I don't get to that caravan park,
by tomorrow,
she could've bloody gone.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't think he rang anyone.
I don't think there even
is a Walter. Christ.
I don't think there even
is a Walter. Christ.
Just give over with that, Cardi.
I wish my wife Carol was here.
Wife Carol.
You're with your mates!
Yeah, I am,
and I'm stuck outside a farmhouse
in the middle of f-fucking nowhere,
waiting for a one legged mechanic
in the middle of f-fucking nowhere,
waiting for a one legged mechanic
with a weirdo that
eats f-fox bollocks!
Oi. You're working yourself up dude.
He doesn't eat fox bol-
Oh, fucking hell!
Oh, fucking hell!
You alright?
Dinner almost ready, gentlemen.
If you'd like to wash your hands.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Delicious.
I'm really sorry to ask this,
but is your friend gonna be much-
I'm really sorry to ask this,
but is your friend gonna be much-
Is he gonna be much longer or...?
Shouldn't be.
I asked him to bring back
one or two items he'd borrowed,
so he may be gathering those.
so he may be gathering those.
Right then.
Potatoes, broccoli, carrots and...
..fox stew.
..fox stew.
The intestines are chargrilled
with garlic and onion.
Chopped chervil, star anise,
pine nuts.
Chopped chervil, star anise,
pine nuts.
Have you been doing this long, then,
the eating of the roadkill?
Only since my girlfriend left.
Didn't eat her, did you?
No. You three get started.
No. You three get started.
I've saved the best part for you.
I can see that. What's going on?
- The head.
- Ooh. Ooh.
- The head.
- Ooh. Ooh.
I-I'm not a- It's-
I'm just not a big eater.
Never have been.
I'm just not a big eater.
Never have been.
Cardi, fucking hell. Give him a head.
No. No. I just smoke.
Nonsense.
Get stuck in there, Vin. Yum. Yum.
Get stuck in there, Vin. Yum. Yum.
If you cut straight in here,
you can get to the brains.
If you cut straight in here,
you can get to the brains.
Why?
Delicacy. Is it?
Trouble is, they sometimes
liquify and bubble out.
You know,
I'm looking at this lad 'ere.
He-he's still gotten the
tongue in there, ain't he?
Don't you want it? No.
That's the best bit.
He's gonna eat it.
In. In it goes, just straight in.
I've gotta tell you, this is
the most mental meal fucking meal
I've gotta tell you, this is
the most mental meal fucking meal
I think I've ever experienced.
Thank you.
I have... eaten the tongues of
almost every animal you can think of
I have... eaten the tongues of
almost every animal you can think of
and they all taste spectacular.
But they say the best by far...
..is human tongue.
That's the one I'd
really like to try.
That's the one I'd
really like to try.
Fucking hell!
That'll be Walter.
Handsome, isn't he?
Handsome, isn't he?
Right! Five minutes, regroup.
Me nerves are fucking frazzled.
Right. I'd just like to take a
moment to assess where we are.
Right. I'd just like to take a
moment to assess where we are.
We've lost the bride,
of the wedding we are attending.
And the half our party have
gone AWOL in a Bedford Rascal.
And the half our party have
gone AWOL in a Bedford Rascal.
We are, as the Welsh would say,
"cachu hwch."
What does that mean? Absolutely,
fucked up the arse, mate.
What does that mean? Absolutely,
fucked up the arse, mate.
Do you think we should call her?
No!
No. No. No. Were not calling her.
If she's being nicked and we call
her, then the police get our number.
Then before we know it,
they're sweeping in, arresting us,
Then before we know it,
they're sweeping in, arresting us,
before we've had a chance
to finish our fucking pints.
Alright, so what we gonna do?
- Well, thank you for asking, JJ.
- Snippy.
- Well, thank you for asking, JJ.
- Snippy.
Right, three options.
Option A -
We suck it all off.
We fuck off home on the train,
and I come back up later
We fuck off home on the train,
and I come back up later
when the heat as died down
to collect the truck.
Option B - We call Ringo,
explain what's happened
and let the chips fall
wherever they may.
and let the chips fall
wherever they may.
I don't like that one.
Same. And three?
It's c, in't it?
It's a, b, c.
It's not a, b, fucking three. Jesus.
Fucking c, then.
You know what she means
Fucking c, then.
You know what she means
Alright, C - Ahem. And this one
happens to be my preferred option.
We get another round of drinks in,
snort a few trunkie lines of Gak.
What? Let the good times roll,
knees up mother brown
What? Let the good times roll,
knees up mother brown
and fuck it all off till tomorrow.
C!
Fuck. There's no fucking tyre.
What's he handing to him?
Fuck. There's no fucking tyre.
What's he handing to him?
Oh dude, that's a- that's a-
An industrial tree cutter.
They're gonna eat us. No. No.
There's four of us and two of them.
They're gonna eat us. No. No.
There's four of us and two of them.
One of them has a fake leg.
Fucking hell! Oh, fuck me!
Alright, that's terrifying.
Listen, listen, listen.
Alright, that's terrifying.
Listen, listen, listen.
Alright, it's like
fucking Deliverance.
We've got to get out of here
right the fuck now.
What we do?
Err... Back way. Back way.
We'll go the back way, then.
Err... Back way. Back way.
We'll go the back way, then.
Fuck. It's fucking locked.
Bollocks! Kick it down!
You need to kick it!
Dude has lost his shoe.
Dude, get out of the fucking way.
Dude has lost his shoe.
Dude, get out of the fucking way.
Oh, dude, check all this shit out.
They are sick.
Oh, dude, check all this shit out.
They are sick.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
Where the fuck is Cardi?
Back in. Cardi. Cardi. Cardi.
Puffins!
Put it down. Get the
fuck out of here, man.
Put it down. Get the
fuck out of here, man.
Come on!
Wait! Let's go this way.
Oh!
Get on the bike. Get on the bike.
Has it got keys?
What on earth!
Hey! Stop! Thieves!
Hey! Stop! Thieves!
Hey, what about the Rascal?
We'll get it on the way back.
Oh, stop the bike. Got a signal.
Oh, stop the bike. Got a signal.
Well in, gentlemen! Well in. Fuck me!
Fix-a-flat liquid.
Maybe he was gonna fix the tyre.
Fix-a-flat liquid.
Maybe he was gonna fix the tyre.
About fucking time, some signal.
Right, get in touch
with the others, yeah?
Find out where the fuck they are.
Get a sat-nav as well.
For crying out loud, were not
fucking around now, alright?
For crying out loud, were not
fucking around now, alright?
We're going straight
to fucking Wales.
Piss farting around. Here, I
got a voicemail here of Ringo.
Alright, Vin?
Got a message from Babs.
Alright, Vin?
Got a message from Babs.
Saying she can't make the wedding,
and you and Tommo are to blame.
'For fuck sake man! Listen,'
'For fuck sake man! Listen,'
if she's not there tomorrow,
I'll get the MacDonaghs to cut your
fucking balls off, you daft twat.
'Capisce? You piece of shit.'
'Capisce? You piece of shit.'
Fuck!
I gave you one fucking job!
One fucking job!
To get fucking Babs to Wales, that
was it! Why did she hit a copper?
To get fucking Babs to Wales, that
was it! Why did she hit a copper?
Why? Why?
Because she's a crazy fucking bitch!
Sweetheart, that why- And now she's
in some fucking jail cell somewhere
and frankly, good fucking riddance.
and frankly, good fucking riddance.
It's not good riddance, it's bad!
Fucking MacDonagh's are
gonna cut our dicks off.
What's all this shit, dude? Why you
fucking partying, pizza everywhere?
What's all this shit, dude? Why you
fucking partying, pizza everywhere?
Honestly, dude.
The only reason I'm doing this,
is because I wanna find
Erin and my boy, you know?
is because I wanna find
Erin and my boy, you know?
The last thing I wanna do is
run around the Welsh countryside
looking for a fucking orange
nymphomaniac.
looking for a fucking orange
nymphomaniac.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
Come here, sweetheart, come here.
That's it. It's alright, baby.
Hey. Hmm?
Tell me this, alright. Hmm?
Hey. Hmm?
Tell me this, alright. Hmm?
If we were fucking now, in here,
would that not be very kinky?
Yeah?
Yeah?
You ruin things, dude.
Oh, fuck me. Hey, hey!
What's going on?
McCann got life!
What's going on?
McCann got life!
Fucking life, Vin.
Guilty on all charges.
It's over! It's fucking over!
Feels good, doesn't it, Vin?
Just freedom.
Back to the way we were.
Honestly, I miss Cardi, though.
My best mate, and now just-
My best mate, and now just-
Hey, he's still your best mate, Ash.
Yeah. My sister's stole him
away from me, you know.
Isn't that mad?
Isn't that mad?
My own sister stole
my best mate away from me.
Give over.
Look, it happens, man.
Look, it happens, man.
People fall for one another.
It's what happens.
We can't help but think
about them all the time.
They're the only person
you want to be with.
They're the only person
you want to be with.
But that doesn't mean that he
doesn't love his mate, you know.
He needs ya. Yeah
Definitely. Hmm, definitely.
What time is it?
Oh, fuck me.
There's no point.
I'm never gonna fall asleep.
I'm never gonna fall asleep.
It's been nice partying
about the McCann thing.
But fuck me, dude.
I just want to get to
that fucking trailer park.
I just want to get to
that fucking trailer park.
Well, go, then.
I swear to God.
Whinging about it. Just go.
Jump on that fucking motorcycle
out there a go immediately.
Jump on that fucking motorcycle
out there a go immediately.
But Babs and-
We'll sort Babs out.
Don't worry about that. Just go.
I'm only gonna say it once.
Just GO, will you?
Alright, man. Give us me coat.
Alright, man. Give us me coat.
Try not slam that door, will you?
You what?
# I would have given you
All of my heart
# But there's someone
Who's torn it apart
# But there's someone
Who's torn it apart
# Baby I'll try to love again
# But I know
# But I know
# The first cut is the deepest
# Baby I know
# Baby I know
# The first cut is the deepest
# 'Cause when it comes
To being lucky he's cursed
# 'Cause when it comes
To being lucky he's cursed
# That's how I know... #
Dude, I'm really sorry
to bother you, man.
Could you just quickly switch the
pumps on for me, like a good'en?
Could you just quickly switch the
pumps on for me, like a good'en?
Not open till ten.
Oh, fucking hell, man.
You could be a fucking hero.
Stop sweeping the floor and
just come over to me one sec.
Stop sweeping the floor and
just come over to me one sec.
Comes a time in everyman's life,
where he has to step up,
and turn the pumps on
before they're due.
and turn the pumps on
before they're due.
Not open till ten.
Dude, you're a fucking arsehole,
and you're a turd.
You're a turd and a dickhead.
Yeah, you are.
You're a turd and a dickhead.
Yeah, you are.
I'm taking this bike.
I'm gonna take your bike.
You've brought this on yourself.
You forgot to put the padlock
on the outside like a fucking Rita.
See you later.
Oi, get back here!
That's smart. Ready? Let's go.
Yeah.
Thank you, Annie. See ya.
Just let me do the talking.
Let me do the talking.
Fucking hell.
Ahem! I called
earlier. I'm looking for Barbara
Speed!
Yes, we're her solicitors,
and I want to tell you now
Yes, we're her solicitors,
and I want to tell you now
she's been the victim
of overzealous policing,
and she should not be here
cage-ed... like a common criminal.
We released her 30 minutes ago
with a warning.
We released her 30 minutes ago
with a warning.
Righto.
Good.
As well you should.
It's his first day.
It's his first day.
# Listen to the girl
# As she takes on half the world
# As she takes on half the world
# Moving up and so alive... #
What are you doing?
Digging a hole with a stick.
Digging a hole with a stick.
Digging a hole with a stick.
Here. I nicked that.
Do you want it?
Don't fall off. Don't tell
anyone where you got it.
You alright, love?
Sorry to bother you.
Erin Croft, I'm looking for her.
She's got a little lad called Tyler.
Is she around here?
She's in number 35
down the bottom.
She's in number 35
down the bottom.
Thank God for that.
You are a bloody angel.
Or she was. Think she's moving on.
Oh, fuck me.
Erin?
Erin?
Erin, if you're in there,
and you can hear me,
I'm fucking sorry I've come.
I just-
I'm fucking sorry I've come.
I just-
I didn't know what to do.
I-I love you, and I love Tyler.
McCann's gone.
He's been sent down.
So you don't have to worry about
all them threats he was making.
So you don't have to worry about
all them threats he was making.
He's gone... for a long time.
You took my boy away from me...
..without saying goodbye.
..without saying goodbye.
Another ten minutes and
I'd-I'd have been gone.
Where's Tyler?
He's just saying goodbye
to a few of his mates.
So he's-he's definitely
gone down, McCann?
Yeah. Life sentence. He gone.
Thank God.
Thank God.
Vin?
Hmm?
I'm planning on a new life,
away from Hawley.
Hey, you don't have to now,
if you don't want.
Hey, you don't have to now,
if you don't want.
You're safe now. He's gone.
You know I fucking love you
and I love that boy.
You know I fucking love you
and I love that boy.
I need you near me.
Can't just run away from your
friends. You've got a life there.
Have I?
Yeah.
Have I?
Yeah.
Look, I know, I know you wanna go.
I know you wanna leave one day.
I know you wanna leave one day.
Maybe just come back
for a little bit.
# Yeah!
# Don't look back into the sun
# Well, you know
That the time has come
# Well, you know
That the time has come
# And they said it would
Never come for you
# Ah-ah-ah oh
# Oh, my friend, you haven't changed
# Oh, my friend, you haven't changed
# You're looking rough
And living strange
# And I know... #
I love him so much.
I love him so much.
I am never cheating on him again.
I just want to be in Ringo's arms
and never ever let go.
Yeah, and maybe, er, lay off
the prawn cocktail as well, eh?
Yeah, and maybe, er, lay off
the prawn cocktail as well, eh?
It was shrimp!
Hey up, guys! Look who it is!
Where is he? Come here!
Hey.
Hey.
I've missed you.
I've missed you.
Come here. Good to see ya.
Good to see you. Aww, little man.
# And I need you now tonight
# And I need you now tonight
# And I need you... #
I love you so much.
# And we'll only be making it right
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong
# Together we can take it
To the end of the line
# Your love is like a shadow
On me all of the time... #
# Your love is like a shadow
On me all of the time... #
You made it then, Vincent.
Jeez!
You just fucking ruin everything.
I know, love.
Great news about McCann.
I know, love.
Great news about McCann.
Yeah, it is, actually.
You're now free to sell your weed
without fear or torment.
Good for you, Vincent, good for you.
Good for you, Vincent, good for you.
Just so long as no one finds out
your new grow is in the basement
of the Rat and Cutter.
Oh! Now, Davey...
Too late, Vincent.
What the fuck are you-
It's all mine now. Shit!
What the fuck are you-
It's all mine now. Shit!
Now, now, let's not
spoil the occasion. Yeah.
We'll talk next week.
I've actually got a
little proposal for you.
I've actually got a
little proposal for you.
I can give you the answer now, lad's.
It's a no.
We'll see, sweetheart.
We'll see. Hmm.
We'll see. Hmm.
Right set of wanking
spanners on you, Bazz.
Fucking pint full of dicks.
Fucking pint full of dicks.
# We'll be holding on forever
# And we'll only be making it right
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong
# 'Cause we'll never be wrong
# Together we can take it
To the end of the line... #
Get a winning dog, win thousands.
Get a winning dog, win thousands.
Say hello to Arson Fire.
That's not good.
Please tell me you're not getting
involved with the MacDonagh's.
Please tell me you're not getting
involved with the MacDonagh's.
Towels off.
The dog found it.
That's severed.
Say hello to my little friend.
It's my birthday!
It's my birthday!
Trapped in an undertaker's freezer.
Don't panic.