Bosom Buddies (1980–1982): Season 1, Episode 8 - Revenge - full transcript

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪



♪ I'd like a chateau In Paris ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt
About it ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But I can Live without it ♪

♪ If I've got A
friend like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪



♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Shake me loose ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat funk theme playing)

(dogs barking)

(barking)

Come on, babies.
Come on. Come on.

Come on, babies.

Come.

(panting)

Oh. God help me.

Ruth, if you don't
like the Dobermans,

why did you tell Mr. Rabinowitz

that you'd watch
them all weekend?

Boys, Mr. Rabinowitz is my boss.

He asked me to do him a favor.

You do favors for your boss.

You hope that one day

he'll turn around
and do you a favor,

like have a stroke,
give you his job.

That's called "a career move."

Why don't you make
friends with the little doggies,

and offer them a nice bone.

I did. I went out and
got them soup bones.

You know, I-I just don't
think they're happy.

I think they were hoping
for a wounded moose.

They're tough to get
on such short notice.

You boys wouldn't be willing
to just take them off my hands

just for the weekend, would you?

And in so doing just
make kissy points

you simply wouldn't believe.

Oh, whizzes, Ruth,
we love kissy points,

but, uh, they don't allow
dogs in our building.

It's a law. Use a
dog, go to prison.

Peek inside there, would
you? Just have a look.

See what they're doing.

Yeah, I'm not afraid of dogs.

(loud barking)

Doorknobs, I'm terrified of.

I'm really scared.

Okay, well.

Oh, that's cute.

I think Werner's having
an affair with your fur coat.

My mink? I don't even let
my mother play with my mink.

Try to be nice to them,
Ruth. Make them feel at home.

(in German accent) Helmut,
that's not another doggie.

That's a minkie.

I'm really worried about Ruth.

Yeah, me too.
Those vicious animals

could rip her throat right out.

Can you believe the Yankees

are paying a million
five for Winfield?

Amy.

Amy.

I'm so pleased you're
finally taking some pride

in your appearance.

How'd you like to be on the
business end of this crook?

You know, I really wish I was
going to this costume party.

I could go as Old King Cole,

and you could go as Natalie.

I don't get it.

Old King Cole, Natalie Cole.

Okay. It's a complex joke.

It's stupid. It's
a complex joke.

Hi, Walter.

Howdy, ma'am.

Okay. Don't tell me.

Matt Dillon.

No, no. Ronald
Reagan, the early years.

There was another
way to go with it,

but I couldn't find a chimp.

Am I going to get to meet
the congressman at this party?

Hey. I'm his
number-one assistant.

So how will I recognize him?

Easy. He's coming as
Wayland and Madame.

Well, my palomino's
double-parked.

I'll, uh, be waitin'
at the pass, hm?

Okay. Well, I'll, uh, see
you in five minutes, cowboy.

(imitates gunshot)

(giggles)

Well, well, well.

♪ Head 'em up Move
'em up, Bo Peep ♪

♪ Ride 'em out, ride 'em
out Ride 'em out, Bo Peep ♪

Henry, I didn't
want you to see this.

Yeah. I'm seeing another man.

I didn't wanna
tell you. I'm sorry.

Please, go, and
have a wonderful time.

Enjoy yourself. Strut the town.

Have a great evening
because nothing

would make me happier.
Really. I mean that.

This is killing you, isn't it?

( upbeat theme playing)

I'll sweeten it with a nickel.

Okay. Let me just
check my list here.

Okay. One pair,
two pair, three of a...

Oh, what to do, what to do?

Buffy, this is not
remedial poker.

Put your money on the table.

Okay. I'll look at you.

No, Buffy. I'll see you.

Oh. I'll see you.

Make it a buck.

A buck? This is a friendly game.

Well, I'm glad you think so.

I'm playing for a trip to Vegas.

I love Wayne Newton's
new mustache.

Milk me dry. I'm in.

Too rich for my blood.

I fold.

Oh...

Do you need some
help figuring that out?

No, no.

I think I've got it.

Okay, two pair, bullets
over treys. Beat that, mama.

Full house. Aw.

(chuckling)

I can just see those
fountains at Caesars Palace.

ISABELLE: You always win.

ALL: Amy.

What happened?

Tonight was the most
miserable evening of my life.

At first, Walter seemed
like such a gentleman.

He introduced me to his boss...

The congressman and Madame.

Oh, and the costumes
were wonderful.

There was Louis XIV
and Mahatma Gandhi,

Snoopy.

So far, it sounds super.

Oh, it was super until...

Until he dumped me!

He dumped me for
that tramp Betsy Ross.

ALL: Aw.

I had to hitchhike
across New York City

dressed like this.

And then some man picked me up,

and he tried
to... He tried to...

H-he tried to attack you?

He tried to attack my sheep.

You know, as far
as Walter knows,

I could be dead by now, but
do you think he cares? No.

All he wants to do is
get past Betsy Ross' flag.

What a rat.

Oh, I could've lived with that.

But then he says
right to my face,

"Amy, I didn't mind
coming with you tonight,

"but now that I've
found somebody better,

well, you can just go home."

Oh, my Go... I don't believe it.

Well, there's at least one
heel in every woman's life.

Oh, Lilly, you are so right.

You know, honey, last week I
was doing a telephone company ad

for this sleazy producer.

Anyway, I started to sing,

"Reach Out and Touch Someone,"

and he did.

Yeah, mine was Brian Coda.

He was my date for the prom.

Then he stood me up.

He stood you up?

Oh, he must have been, a-a...
An outpatient or something.

Well, mine was
Sergeant Eddie Floogle.

Sergeant Eddie Floogle?

What, Lilly, you
dated a comic strip?

Well, what about you girls?

I mean, what's your sob story?

Oh, us. Well, uh...

I've been pretty fortunate,

but, uh, Hildy's been
a loser all her life.

Go on, Hildy, tell them about
one of the hundreds of times

you were dumped upon,

any one of the
hundreds and hundreds...

Okay.

Not counting this one.

One comes to mind
that includes us both.

You remember Vidor Manoosh?

Who?

Don't be coy.

Buffy was almost Mrs. Manoosh.

Can you imagine? What
a name, Buffy Manoosh.

Yes, Vidor and his brother Spud

left both Buffy and
I waiting at the altar

only minutes after he'd
taken advantage of Buffy too.

It's kind of personal,
don't you think?

You know what they say:

Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free?

You see that? We have
all been jerked around

by some rotten fink.

Yeah, and I think it's
about time that we get back,

at least at one of them.

Well, since Eddie's dead,

let's get back at that
creep that hurt Amy.

Yeah. Let's get that little
congressman's aide Walter.

ALL: Yeah.

Yeah. And Kip and
Henry could help us.

Sure. They're not like
normal men anyway.

Boy, sensitivity sure has
gotten a bad rap lately, hasn't it?

Okay, come on you guys,

are we just gonna
talk about this,

or are we gonna do somethin'?

Now, let's not get
mad, let's get even.

ALL: Yeah.

( jazzy theme playing)

I called the
congressman's office.

Everything is set.

Now, I told Walter

his contact would be
wearing a hat with a white rose.

Isabelle, you must really
be honest with me now.

Too busy?

Nah. You're perfect.

The pigeon has landed.

Let's get this con on the road.

( jazzy theme playing)

The petals have
fallen from the rose.

(in a foreign accent):
The dog eats veal.

He'll take a cutlet.

Walter? Madame X?

Sit down.

All right. Now,
about those pictures,

what exactly do you have?

The pictures are of the
congressman and me,

and let's just say
congress is in session.

Yeah. He's a sucker for
blondes with bad bodies.

So, how much is it gonna be?

Three hundred clams.

On the phone, you said 200.

That was before the crack
about blondes with bad bodies.

Even bimbos have
feelings, you know?

Okay, okay. You got a
deal. Where are the pictures?

You don't think I'm stupid
enough to bring them with me?

All the others were.

You're dealing with
professionals now, buddy boy,

not any dumb tart.

I am a smart tart.

The pictures are in my room.

My partner will
show them to you.

What, do you think I'm crazy?

I'm gonna go upstairs

and get worked
over by some goon,

some gorilla?

This is my partner.

Well, what do you know?

The gorilla of my dreams.

Enough bad jokes, silly boy.

Go enjoy yourself,

you illegitimate son of
American warthoggers.

( mysterious theme playing)

( jazzy theme playing)

Here. I'll get that.

LILLY: Young man.

Where do you think you're going?

Disneyland for grownups.

This is a hotel for women only.

No men allowed upstairs.

Of course, uh... I could
make an exception.

Okay. Now let's
talk turkey, hmm?

Okay, turkey, talk.

Now, I'm sure with
these long, cold winters...

you could use a new shawl, hmm?

Well, it does
get a little chilly.

You wouldn't spring
for a broach, huh?

No.

Well, guess I'll
just have to wait

till the Shriners' convention.

( mysterious, jazzy
theme playing)

This is expensive,

but it's easier than last night.

Should have seen the hard
time I had dumping this loser

I was with.

I guarantee you, Walter,

tonight you'll get exactly
the night you deserve.

Well, here we are.

My little nest.

Call me a sentimental
fool, but, uh...

let's hit the sheets.

Walter, you'll have to excuse me

if I'm a little shy, but...

I've never done this before.

I can tell.

Would you, uh... Would
you like some help with that?

Yes.

(gasps)

(pounding on door)

KIP: Honey, it's me.

Who's "me"? My husband.

Husband?

KIP: Yes, it is I,
your husband Bruno,

who has had a hard
day's work on the docks

as a stevedore.

Now I know you
got a man in there.

Don't worry, Walter.
Just stand up to him.

He wouldn't dare hurt you,

not with that manslaughter
charge hanging over his head.

Manslaughter? Yeah.

A-a... As in a man
who's been slaughtered?

Look, if you want
me, I'll be in the closet

with the, uh,
skirts and blouses.

(pounding on door)

KIP: Open up this
door before I bang it off.

Okay, Bruno. I'm
gonna let you in.

You can put the pin
back in the grenade.

( mysterious jazzy
theme playing)

Still the same scuzzy tramp
you always was, huh, Laverne?

Oh, Bruno, you're just drunk.

No, I am not drunk.

This is Saturday, I'm doped up.

You've got that same
look in your eyes

as when you carved
our initials on my sister.

She may have
forgiven you, but not I.

Yeah, well, I mean
to tell you right now

that I was in an
antic mood then,

'cause, uh, we
was courting, baby.

Now, uh, I don't feel so good.

So, tell me... where
is this pot of sludge

you've been pillowing with?

Ha.

You think I'm
gonna tell you? Huh.

Not gonna tell me, huh?

(slapping) (Sonny screaming)

(screaming)

Okay. You've knocked
out one lousy tooth,

and you think I'm going to talk?

How do you like these new boots?

I think they're stunning.

Okay. Everything's ready.

So you're still not gonna talk?

(grunting) (screaming)

Please. Somebody help me.

Anybody.

(Sonny screaming)

SONNY: Please.

God.

This guy really is
a swine, isn't he?

Really. I could be dead.

If you wanna see the
sun come up tomorrow,

you're gonna tell
me where he is.

Okay, Bruno.

But I swear,

I swear he's not in the closet.

Oh. Very shrewd, Gertrude,

but I think I can see
through that ruse.

All right, you
punk, outta there.

All right, you punk,

come out of that closet.

Heh. Look what happens
when you dress in the dark, huh?

How did you get up
here anyway, Bruno?

Didn't the manager stop you?

That stupid old bat?

She didn't say nothin'
when I showed her this.

Oh, Walter, I'm dead.

This is how you settle
everything, isn't it, Bruno?

Violence.

Yeah. It works for me.

Well, go ahead. Shoot him.

I dare you.

Don't dare.

Daring's bad.

You dare me?

I double-dare you.

Double-dare.

Double-dare is twice as bad.

I'm wasting him.

No. Give me that gun.

(gunshot)

(screams)

(groans)

(grunting)

(Sonny screaming)

Oh, my God.

I think he's been shot.

Did I hear a gunsho...
(gasps) Oh, no.

He shot my Bruno.

Me?

He was so gentle.

He didn't have a
mean bone in his body.

What? He was a lunatic.

So you shot him.

No, no, I didn't. She did.

Th-there was a
struggle, a-and a gun.

This... This gun.

What am I explaining?

(Isabelle laughing)

( mysterious jazzy
theme playing)

(screams)

Excuse me, sir. I'm
sorry. Terribly sorry.

Lieutenant Manero.

Ah, officer... nice to
meet you. Excuse me.

Oh, say, could I, uh,
trouble you for a second?

Yeah, I-I'm in kind
of a hurry here.

Who isn't these days?

Take my wife.

Now that woman runs around

like a chicken with
her head cut off.

But that's not your problem.
I'm sorry to trouble you.

You've been a gracious
host. Thank you very much.

It was very nice chatting
with you, officer, uh...

Have a nice day.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Now I know this is going
to sound crazy, but...

I think I know who you are.

Eight million
people in this burg,

and I happen to run into you.

Is this bothering you?

'Cause I can put it out.

Aren't you that congressman's
aide, uh, Walter Hardy?

No, I-I-I'm not him, no.

We... We always get
confused for each other.

No, sir.

That's where you're wrong.

You can't fool the peepers.

All right. You're right.

You're right. It's me.

Look, I really have to be
getting back to the office

to do some, uh,
government... stuff.

You know, sir, my
wife dragged me

to one of those
government rallies

that you're always speaking at.

If I may say, sir, you
have excellent elocution.

I myself, I'm very shy.

My wife can ramble
on and on and on.

I have trouble
talking to my dog.

It's a little basset hound.

Well, that's not your problem.
I'm sorry to trouble you.

You've been very kind.

Thank you very much.

I won't even mention the robe.

I mean, it's a free
country, right?

Am I right?

Stop that man.

He just murdered my husband.

And I saw him do it.

O-officer, I don't know
what they're talking about.

I didn't shoot her husband.

I mean, I didn't shoot anybody.

I'll handle this, ladies.
I'm a... I'm a police officer.

Walter... Can I call you Walt?

Walt, I think we
have a problem here.

I'd hate for you to have to
be in my shoes right now.

Have a seat.

You see, sir,

on the one hand, you're
a congressman's aide.

On the other hand,

I have no reason why these
two lovely ladies would lie to me.

Look, officer,

please, this whole
thing is a frame-up.

I'm a respected man
with a government job.

I can't afford to get mixed
up in anything like this.

Yes, sir. Look,
I can't go to jail.

I've got a career. If this gets
in the papers, I'm finished.

Look, all I wanted to do

was to spend a couple
of hours with the blond.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That's very nice,
Walter, that really is,

but I think you should
say, "I'm sorry, Amy."

I'm sorry, Amy. I'm
sorry, Amy. Huh?

That's all I wanted to
hear you say, Walter.

( mysterious, jazzy
theme playing)

I see.

You're making me
pay for the other night.

Ooh. He got that.
He's very bright.

Pretty nice little charade.

Well, you sure got even.

While I'm here,

is there anything else you
wanna do to humiliate me?

Can we shave your head?

No, I think we've done enough.

Why don't we just get him his
stuff and get him out of here?

That's right. You know, this
is a lot more than I deserve.

After all, what did I do?

I spoiled an evening
for some little nobody.

"Some little nobody"?

Boy, Walter, you sure
know how to bury yourself.

I don't think we need to
give him his stuff back.

I don't even think we should
give him cab fare home.

Here's a token.

Take the subway.

I, uh, bet it's a nice
place to be at night

in a pink robe.

Boils down to the
bottom line, though:

was it really all worth it?

You bet it was.

(laughs)

( upbeat jazzy theme playing)

That's the last time I
let you set the alarm.

Hey, don't talk to me,
Joe Five-More-Minutes.

You must have pushed that
snooze alarm button 52 times.

Morning, Helena. Hello, Terry.

You think Ruth saw
us down in the lobby?

No, no, no. I'm sure she
was much too busy flirting

with Mort the donut man.

Bonjour, mes enfants.

Ruth. Gorgeous day, no?

Yes, yes, Ruth. Gee,
we've had a busy morning.

You lie. I saw you in the lobby.

Have a donut. I get them free.

Ruth, that's none
of our business.

So, Ruth, uh, how'd your
weekend with the Dobermans go?

Oh, I... I had a simply lovely
weekend. Marvelous time.

(in foreign accent): So you learned how
to make nice with the little doggies, eh?

Not a chance. I put Helmut and
Werner on a slow train to Miami,

round trip.

The homicidal maniacs should
be pulling into Grand Central

in about 20 minutes. Oh, say...

You two wouldn't want to pick
them up for me, would you?

I imagine they have the
cutest little suntans by now.

(in normal voice): Thank
you, Doctor Doolittle.

( upbeat theme playing)