Bosom Buddies (1980–1982): Season 1, Episode 9 - Amy's Career - full transcript

Amy employs unusual tactics when she pitches an ad for Mountain Pine mouthwash.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪



♪ I'd like a chateau In Paris ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt
About it ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But I can Live without it ♪

♪ If I've got A
friend like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪



♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Shake me loose ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat rock theme playing)

( typewriter keys clacking)

(laughing): This is
good. This is good.

This is very, very good.

People say it's hard
to stay up all night.

Not really. Not when you've
had 25, 35 cups of coffee.

Oh, no! (both laugh)

People say coffee's
bad for your health.

I don't know. They
say it makes you edgy.

I don't believe
that. I'm not edgy.

Not a bit. No, no.

(banging on door) (both scream)

(as Hildy): Who is it?

AMY: It's me, Amy.

Come on in.

Wanna have some coffee?

I... I... Uh, I...
I'd love a cup.

Mm, listen, Amy,

you gotta hear this brilliant ad
campaign we just came up with.

It's brilliant. You know, Ruth
just gave it to us last night.

It's brilliant.

(in high-pitched
voice): Yes, it is brilliant.

You are brilliant.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.

(in normal voice): Oh, shut up. Stop
it. You're so easy, you tramp. Okay...

(Kip and Henry laugh)

Life stinks.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

That last sip of
coffee did it to me.

(door closes)

Okay, Amy, talk to
me. Share this with me.

Let's have a rap session.
Come on, I'm good at this.

Give me a chance.

I don't know who I am.

Mm-hm.

I failed at everything
I've ever tried,

and I'm suffocating at work.

I don't know how I
fit into the big picture.

I don't know. I just
don't know anymore.

Maybe you should
eat more roughage.

Wow, why didn't I think of that?

(knock at door)

Déjà vu.

(as Hildy): Just a minute.

I have to pull myself together.

I'm coming to the door.

Oh, hi, Lilly. ALL:
Good morning.

Good morning. Come on in, girls.

We're just having
a little coffee klatch.

Good news, ladies, good news.

The management finally decided
to spring for the exterminators.

Our bugs will be bombed.

Whoo! Just in time.

Some of them were learning
how to use the microwave.

Well, I'll go tell the
rest of the tenants

not to breathe for three days.

It wouldn't be so bad
being a cockroach.

At least the Mexicans
wrote a song about them.

Well, nothing's
gonna bother me today

because I'm flying
down to Bermuda

to do that bathing-suit
ad with O.J. Simpson.

Izzy, you have got to be
pretty desperate for work

to fly through the
Bermuda Triangle.

Honey, for O.J.,
I'd swim through it.

Ow! Save me!

I have a really
big day today too.

Oh, of course.

I'm assisting in a major
medical breakthrough.

We're gonna give a
man the lungs of a deer.

Well, I guess everyone's
gotta make a buck.

Or a little doe.

(laughs)

Excuse me, I didn't
mean to fawn over you.

(laughs)

Give me a break, huh?
I'm high on coffee, okay?

Well, I've got a pretty busy
day ahead of me myself.

After all, if I don't clean
out the pencil sharpener

and untangle those paper clips,

business just grinds to a halt.

That cream doesn't work
unless you rub it in all over.

Oh.

This is vanishing cream,
so I guess I'd better vanish.

(sniffs) I think I
smell Old Spice.

Come on, Isabelle, I
think we should go, huh?

Okay. Bye, Amy.

Have a really nice day.

Don't tell me what to do.

ISABELLE: Boy, is she touchy.

HILDY: She's a
little cranky today.

Don't mind her.

( upbeat rock theme playing)

Ahem, now, here's
a particular favorite

of both of ours: "Mountain Pine.

It makes your breath fresh
as a Rocky Mountain breeze."

(blows) (sighs)

HENRY: How about
that one, Mr. Shaw?

I think he hates us.

He doesn't hate
us. I think he's dead.

RUTH: Now, boys.

Mr. Shaw, please,
don't worry, really.

They're just getting
to the good stuff.

(sighs) Get to the good stuff.

(mouths) Now.

Hey, you want it, you got it!

Okay, the good stuff.

Tell you what, we'll
sing you the jingle.

RUTH: Okay. What jingle?

The jingle I just made up.

(laughs) Okay...

♪ Mountain Pine, Mountain
Pine I use it all the time ♪

♪ It's better than wine ♪

♪ I... feed it to my swine ♪

♪ And that's the last line
Mountain, Mountain, Mountain... ♪

Do they use drugs?

Ruth, under the circumstances

we're gonna have
to cancel our meeting

with the Board of Directors.
Oh... No, no, Mr. Shaw...

Please... Chow.

BOTH: Oh, lunch. Lunch.

Here's what we need.
That's just the ticket.

A little protein. Getting
ourselves funny food.

We'll be as hot as
pistols. Creative bacon.

Oh, a hoagie. Oh, are
these free samples?

Amy, please, don't you recognize
Armageddon when you see it?

No, no, no, no. Be
my guest, young lady.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Gee, thanks a lot. Thanks.

You see that? Everybody at
Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin

simply loves Mountain Pine.

Oh, yeah. I think people
who use Mountain Pine

are nice to be around.

People who use Mountain
Pine are nicer to be around.

I love that.

Who said it? I did.

Well, uh, technically the
words came out of my mouth.

Well, that's very
good, young lady.

Uh, what do you do here?

You're looking at it. Well,
you're being wasted here.

You belong in a much
more creative position.

RUTH: Oh, well, we're...

We're nurturing
her along slowly.

Huh. Well, let me put
it to you this way, Ruth.

If she is not in on the
presentation Friday,

Mountain Pine
won't be there either.

Amy, welcome to
the crazy, nutsy,

topsy-turvy world
of advertising.

Lekhaim.

Oh! I don't believe this.

(both gargle) Do
you believe this?

(all applaud) Thank you.
Thank you very much.

That was great.
It was quite lovely.

You know, before we get
on to the slide presentation

and the end of our
program for today,

I'd like to say off the record,
and don't quote me on this:

I've never been in a room with
so many Mountain Pine users

and I've gotta say, the air
is... Is remarkably refreshing.

Hear, hear. You know, I...

I'm really delighted
that you said that

because I've been
sitting here thinking,

"What does it put
me in mind of?"

And it's a camping
trip that I took once

in the Sequoias.

Oh, Ruth, you don't say!

A camping trip to the
Sequoias? RUTH: Yes.

Ruth, it is so funny you should
say that because, gentlemen,

speaking of Sequoias...

(musical-box melody plays)

(all applaud) Isn't
that charming?

SHAW: What a lovely idea.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Now, let me take this moment
to introduce my young protégé,

a woman whose success I
feel totally responsible for.

Let's have a... A nice,
warm Mountain Pine welcome

for Miss Amy Cassidy.

(all applaud)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Now, I realize how important
this opportunity is for me

and that's why I'm gonna go
with something unconventional.

Well, Amy, we never discussed
anything unconventional.

Well, I know that, but I figure
I'm a young, creative lady

who's allowed to have
opinions of her own.

W-well you figured wrong, Amy.

(all laugh)

No, now... Now... Now,
please. I... I feel that Amy

has something to contribute.

Please contribute.

Thank you, Mr. Shaw.

Now, I have randomly picked
three people from off the street

whose opinion you're
about to hear now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you America.

Uh, well, uh, hello...

I'd like to welcome you all.

Hello. Mrs. McMillan,

would you like to be the
first to sample our product?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

This is so exciting.

(gargles) Well, Mrs. McMillan,

please be candid.

Come on, cat got your tongue?

Oh, I forgot.

(gasps)

It reminds me of... A
cool mountain breeze?

Well, not exactly.

It tastes more
like the medication

my late husband used
just before he passed on.

Well, she didn't say it was bad.

(laughs) It could be a perfectly
pleasant medication, now.

(laughs) Thank
you, Mrs. McMillan.

I think now that, uh,

this portion here
proves the test to be

entirely unrehearsed. Impromptu.

Please, let me try again.

Mr. Norton, may we
have your opinion?

I hated for that to
leave my mouth.

ALL: Oh!

I've tried every leading
mouthwash on the market

and I can honestly state

Mountain Pine is the
most satisfying mouthwash

I've ever used.

My mouth is all a-tingle.

(excited murmurs)

Thank you, Mr. Norton.

Where's the camera?

Oh, the... There is no camera.

Say what?

There is no camera.

You mean, I'm not
gonna be on television?

(laughs): Oh, no.

Then what did you make
me drink this lizard spit for?

Where's the bathroom?

I feel like something
just died in my mouth.

Mountain Pine, my behind.

Amy, if we lose this contract,

I'm putting one out on you.

Um, well, there's
still Mr. Cullen.

Uh, you... You don't
have to if you don't want to.

Oh, no, no, I... I don't mind.

(gargles)

(gulps)

I have to say that this
is an excellent product.

It... It's cool and refreshing,
and I'd certainly buy it.

Well! RUTH: Bless
you, Mr. Cullen.

At last, a sloppy,
yet honest, opinion.

You know, young lady,
at first your methods

seemed just slightly unorthodox,

but you've certainly
made your point beautifully.

Thank you, Miss Cassidy,
and thank you, Mr. Cullen.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

It's nice of you to
treat an out-of-towner

with such, oh, hospitality.

Oh, a, uh... A visitor?

Uh, where are you from, sir?

Oh, I think it'd be
better if I illustrate it.

Uh, would you hold this,
please? Right there, and, uh, there.

Now, this is the Earth

and this, heading northeast
about a hundred light years away

is my planet, Herpes Three.

(monotone hum)

Get him out of here!

KIP: Very nice. Bye, Mr. Herpes.

No, I'm here to warn you.

Those pyramids that we
built, we want them back.

Yeah, right, right.

I want to talk to Carl
Sagan. He understands.

(indistinct shouting)

Okay, let me just go out there
and find three more people.

I have never in
my life hit a woman,

but there is a first time...

(all shout indistinctly)

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

you will be hearing from
my attorneys in the morning.

(all shout indistinctly)

We have some lovely
artwork down from...

Oh, give me another chance.

I didn't know what I was doing.

I'm sorry.

( upbeat theme playing)

I'm a little worried...
Worried about Amy.

That little girl took it on
the chin this afternoon.

Personally, I hope
she throws herself

out of every window
in the building.

(laughs)

Oh, you guys are a lot of fun.
Would you like another shot?

Well, I could use a little.

Oh, tough nuts.

I'm working my way
down to the worm.

(blows)

Dead soldier.

Now, Ruth, Ruth...

Ruth Dunbar.

Yes?

If you fire Amy,
what do you get?

Happiness.

No. HENRY: No.

You get one moment,
one single solitary moment

of satisfaction. Nothing else.

So?

So? So?

(chuckles)

If you keep her around...

I can make her
life a living hell.

That's my girl!

(all laugh)

You've got a heart as
big as all White Plains.

You are so cute.

You too.

Did anybody ever tell
you, you were a doorbell?

Who is it?

(both laugh)

Why don't you get rid
of your little friend here?

Okay.

Okay? All right.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Peaches, Herb, hate to
break up this session here.

Come on, Peaches, heh-heh.
Let's talk business now.

There we go.

Now, Peaches, baby, baby,

I want you to go out there

and I want you to get that
Pine Mountain account back.

(crying): I can't get
the account back.

How could I get it
back? Maybe I could in...

In the good old
days, way, way back

before light beer.

(gasps)

(sighs)

I was so good.

(whimpers)

Ruth, you're still good.

Come on, Ruth, you're a killer.

You're Lady Macbeth,
you're Evita, you're Catwoman.

Meow. (Kip laughs)

We all fear and cower
in your presence.

Do you swear to God?

You... We sure do.

Oh, guys, listen,
thanks very much.

You know, it just shows
how little you know yourself.

(Ruth whimpers) (inaudible)

Ruth... Okay, Ruth, come on.

All right. Here we go.

Come on. What?
Are we going home?

Yeah, last call.

Closing time. (sighs)

My little peach.

There you go.

There's an account out
there somewhere in the jungle

that we like to call
Madison Avenue.

I can walk. Ahem.

And you can walk

and you're gonna go out there

and bring that
account back alive.

Yes, I'm going to
bring it back alive.

But first I have to try
to find an Alka-Seltzer

as big as Ernest Borgnine.

HENRY: Amy, come on.

Let's have some more cheer here.

Some up, up, happy,
cheery, ALL: Yeah, come on!

Happy talk. You guys!

You guys cannot cheer me up.

This Mountain Pine campaign
was the first important thing

that's happened to me
since high school and I blew it.

I have nothing.

Well, this is warm,
this is happy, this is up.

Everyone else
gets what they want.

Isabelle flies to Bermuda to
do a big swimsuit ad for J.R.

No, it's O.J.

Well, actually, it was neither.

You see, when I
got to the airport,

it had been changed to a
lemon-juice ad in Newark

with Trini López.

Well, you see that?
A perfect example.

I always wanted
to be a real actress,

but what am I? I'm a shill.

I'm running around New
Jersey dressed like a lemon

singing "La Bamba".

God, I'm depressed.

Well, Isabelle's in the
toilet. Feel any better?

Oh, come on, Amy, you know
what's behind every cloud.

Lightning.

Destructive killer lightning.

My Uncle Burt was hit by it.

Took a bolt right in the zipper.

(crying): I loved him so much.

You'll have to excuse me.

I think I'm going to cry.

Oh, now, who brought
up clouds anyway?

I love this festive mood.

Amy, you're 20 years old.

You can do anything you want.

I've been here for two
years trying to be a dancer,

and I'm still not successful.

I mean, if anyone has
the right to be depressed,

it should be me.

I am.

I am depressed.

I can't talk right now.

What is this? Agatha Christie?

Three down and one to go?

Look what I have
done to these people.

I'm like a virus.
I'm contagious.

Well, relax. At least
you're not alone, all right.

No, no, no, Amy,
everybody thinks

life's a pile of llama chips.

That's not true.

You two are doing what you want.

(both laugh)

Oh, sure.

I want to write the
great American novel.

Instead, I'm working
out some jingle

for Mountain Pine monkey punch.

You're right, what's the point?

And then there were none.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Huddle up. Huddle up.

Come on.

You know, I'm lucky.

And why?

Because I have friends like you.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm gonna shake this thing up.

I'm gonna go out there,
and I'm gonna try again.

Come on, cheer up.

We're gonna be rich
and successful and in love

and... And happy and healthy
and all those things, all of us.

Aw, Amy, you're the best.

You cheer people up
better than Mr. Microphone.

Okay, now, is everybody happy?

ALL: Yeah! Great.

Now, you take this, go
buy a bucket of suds on me.

I'll meet you there in a second.

I'm just gonna check my mail.

I knew we could
make you feel better.

Yeah, she just needed
some perky people.

Right. We cheered
her up, didn't we?

(all chatter indistinctly)

Now, you're not
gonna try to tell me

that you meant all that
you just said, that stuff.

Well, at least I made
them feel better.

Oh, yeah, yeah, they feel great.

And you still feel
crummy, don't you?

I didn't want to
hurt their feelings.

No, no, no, Amy, you never do.

You're very good
about that sort of thing.

Oh, you wouldn't be saying
that just to make me feel better.

Who, me?

(laughs): No.

I would never say anything
just to make you feel better.

Heh, yeah, I've
noticed that about you.

(sighs): You know, Kip,

you and I, we just don't click.

No, no, there's not an awful
lot of clicking going on here.

But, look, uh, Amy,

you know I wouldn't
kid you, right?

Oh-ho, no. Never.

You did a lousy
job this afternoon.

Thanks.

I mean, it was
embarrassing, it was stupid...

Thanks again.

I mean, Amy, you
stank up the boardroom.

(chuckles): You were horrible.

I'm gonna thank you
so hard, it'll draw blood.

Well, I'll take my chances
because there's more.

(Amy sighs)

Okay, you jumped
right in and you blew it.

But, Amy, the point
is, you jumped right in.

Yeah, but I could be
jumping the rest of my life

and keep failing
the rest of my life.

Amy, so what? Who cares?

Nobody has any guarantees here.

We're playing hardball.

Look, I'm gonna say something

and you can take
this to the bank.

If I was going to
bet on any of us

to make it big
someday, any one of us,

I'd bet on you.

Yeah.

I'd bet on you.

And that's no lie, toots.

Did you just hear a click?

No. I think it was a
cockroach with a castanet.

No, no, I... I think
it came from us.

Yeah, I definitely
heard clicking.

You know, you keep that up,
Kip, and I might have to force a hug.

Ew.

Look, we have, uh, ahem,

an acquaintance-like
relationship, here.

There's not supposed to be
any physical contact, okay?

Okay.

( upbeat theme playing)

(typewriter keys clacking)

Hey, good morning, Ruth.

KIP: Good morning,
Ruth. Just keep talking.

I'll find you.

How'd things with
the account go?

It's been years
since I dated a count.

Why bring that up now?

No, no, Ruth, with, uh... With
the Mountain Pine account.

I could certainly use
some of that right now.

HENRY: Perhaps
you'd, uh, care to gargle.

Mm.

Perhaps not.

You know that I actually
got that account back?

HENRY: We didn't expect it...
KIP: Well, of course you did...

What? You got it back?
The Pine Mountain account?

Oh, of course you
did. How'd you do that?

I haven't the slightest idea.

I do not remember where I went
or what I did or how I got home.

Well, maybe, uh, Kip and I
can piece it together for you.

Let's just, uh, ten-speed...

You want to
reconstruct the evening?

Okay, brown eyes.

Hey, let's see
what we have here.

A book of matches from the
Club Scuddo-ho Scudda-hey.

Se habla Español.

(speaks Spanish)

(chuckles)

We have a
complimentary bar of soap

from Octavio's Adult Motel.

"Ask about our
hourly rates." Well.

Glad you spent some time there.

These are pretty.
Tassles, I gue... Oh.

An inscription.

"Ava Cado." "What a pair."

Aw, come on, you made that up.

No, it's right there.

I remember all that
part, for heaven's sakes.

It was later that the
night got so strange.

You know, Ava must have
a... A tiny, tiny, tiny head.

It doesn't go on your
head. It goes on your nose.

Look at this, I'm a Piper Cub.

( upbeat jazz theme playing)