Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Black Clock of Time - full transcript

Go to the police and
tell them everything you know.

I could be in Rikers for months
before my name is cleared.

I'm supposed to be in the
New Dick Cavett Show next week,

I don't wanna miss that.

Do I have your permission
to marry Emily?

- Yes or no?
- Can I get an extension?

I'm gonna clear my name
and set you free.

Your breath smells like
cat food again!

It's paté, you stoner.

Drop your weapon!

You gotta stop being a detective.
It's too dangerous.



Can't retire just yet.

Still have to find out
who my real dad is.

♪ all the shadows in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely... ♪

♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

Dad?

Who would burn down
a sperm bank?

Hey, honey, how are you?
Look what I found at the farm.

Look at that.
It's a free-range chicken.

What? You know I can't eat
a free-range chicken.



I am allergic
to chicken and besides,

I'm a vegetarian...

- Ray, Ray.
- It's not true, leah.

Ray!

Oh yeah, hi.

Go sit with your perverted
uncle Jonathan for a while.

God, he smells good, Ray.

I love to inhale him.

It's better than bacon or sunblock.
He's like baby cocaine.

- That is good stuff.
- It's Darwinian, actually.

They smell so good
so we'll like them.

Shhh!
Stop talking, gay dads.

- Sorry.
- Oh God, I could use a 10-minute nap.

I love being a father once a
week, but it is so draining.

You know, the vigilance, having
to think of somebody else.

I'd hate to be a fireman
when that sperm bank went up.

Think about all those
little semen screams-- "eeeeee!

"Eeee! Save me!"

Thank God you got out of there
before the tragedy.

Yeah, but the problem is the records
are destroyed with the sperm.

I don't know how I'm
gonna find my dad now.

Well look, maybe you don't.
You've got your dad in new Jersey.

You've got George in Manhattan.
You've got me in Brooklyn.

How many father figures in a
90-mile radius do you need?

I have to find him, Ray.
I feel like half a person.

I have this image
of a test tube.

I need to replace it
with the image of a man.

Yeah, I know.

I'd hate for Spencer to think of me
as a urine cup filled with jizz.

- Wow, can you really fill a whole urine cup?
- If I eat sunflower seeds.

Walk me to the subway.
I've gotta go see George.

He wants to prepare me
for Dick Cavett.

I'd say be yourself on Dick
Cavett, that's what I would do.

I mean I'd be me, not you.

That's what everyone says, but I
don't like myself most of the time

and I really need to do
well to help sell the book.

My publisher isn't
very happy with me.

I still say just be
yourself, okay?

Cross your legs like a man and don't wave
your arms around like a little girl.

And don't snack on your thumb.

And the Ferris wheel--
No, carousel!

Carousel was
going round and round

like a mad dream and we
were ducking bullets.

I mean, it was frightening,
but exhilarating.

Wow.
Well, it's great

hearing all these stories about
you and Jonathan, but, um,

there's something Bernard
and I want to show you.

Mmm.

Isn't it beautiful, dad?

It came from
the earth's mantle.

And Emily gave me
a hemp dog collar

as my ceremonial engagement ring.

But I didn't give
my permission yet.

- We couldn't wait, George.
- Yeah, Lisa, our medium,

said we had to act right away.

You went to your
medium before me?

She's telepathic, but she
doesn't mind picking up the phone.

I'm sorry. I was going to
give my permission today.

Just so you know.
Great.

- Congratulations.
- My new dad, huh?

Good, come here.
We should go camping!

- We could share a tent!
- Yeah.

Spencer, let's go take
a little break

and play right over here, then we'll
go home and do some finger-painting.

Right, buddy?
You and your hat.

Hi, ladies.
Mind if we join you?

I'm Ray Hueston

and this is
my good-looking son Spencer.

- Hi.
- Oh, I'm Susan.

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Stephanie.

Hi.

Sure is a lot
of suckling going on.

Usually when I walk by, there's
one or two women going at it,

but eight seems like
a lot all at once.

Well, we're a support group
for breastfeeding.

Can I join?

Um, it's kind
of a mothers' thing.

Oh, a bunch of snobs, are you?

Yeah, I think in the future
you'll be asking us men to join.

Maybe we'll start our own
breastfeeding group.

- Really?
- Definitely.

You know, the male nipple
is dormant,

but I think in about 750 years
we'll be able to nurse.

- I speak from experience.
- Oh wow.

Yeah.

You hungry?

I think all of this is
making him hungry.

I'll just give him this,
unless--

one of you will let
Spencer have a tug.

I'm tapped, so--

How about you?

- Anything left?
- No, I'm sorry.

Both-- both sides?

I read a thing that a woman
columnist wrote about you one time

and she said "Mitchum
was born the kind of man

that does not have to seek women
because they come to him."

Were that true.

- That's not true?
- They come to me with their troubles.

You know.

See, now that's the way
to handle yourself on Cavett.

Be cool, manly,
world-weary.

You know, show a capacity for sin.
Play the rascal.

Mmm. And should I cross
my legs like this,

like this?
Crotch open or crotch closed?

- Ray says crotch open.
- Yeah, I differ from Ray on this point.

I think that the closed
crotch is more sophisticated.

- It keeps them guessing.
- Okay, that does seem more natural.

I really want you to hit it
out of the park tonight.

With all the bookstores
closing,

this could be your last
shot at literary success.

- Oh God.
- So can we switch to me now?

Sure, but can we study
Mitchum a little bit more?

In a second.
I have a pressing headline:

Emily and that crazy Bernard
went ahead and got engaged

- without my blessing.
- Would you have given it?

No! No, I mean, she's
gonna be hurt.

He's too old and eccentric.

- They do dog role-play.
- Hmmm.

Luckily he's the dog,
but still.

Well, have you tried
talking to her?

Somehow gently expressing
your reservations?

No no, I always screw up
with her.

I mean, I try to improve,
but it's--

it seems easier just
to make the same mistake

over and over
again like an idiot.

- I understand.
- You know I'm a better father to you

than I am to her?
I mean, what's that about?

I don't know. I think what
makes you a good father to me

is-- is that you take
an interest in me,

- that we talk.
- Yeah, but it's easier with you.

You know, I don't care
if you fail at life.

It's not a reflection on me.

I take back what I just said
about you being a good father.

But I still think you should talk to her.

Okay, little guy,
all set there.

Excuse me.

Oh right, gosh.
Of course.

Thank you very much.

Same time next week?
Do you guys do like an email blast

- as far as when you meet here?
- We don't.

No. All right, all right.
Have a good one.

- You too.
- Bye. All right, Spencer.

Let's go, buddy.
Are you ready?

Okay.

- Bye, ladies.
- Bye-bye.

I'm really nervous.
My tongue feels swollen.

- Is that a stroke symptom?
- Stop it!

Only positive thinking.
You need to do well tonight.

I want a clip of this
to end up on YouTube.

Could you
just look at my tongue,

because it's not fitting
in my mouth.

No. In 25 years I have never
looked at an author's tongue.

- Sorry.
- Oh, that's not true.

Tsk.
Why do all my lovers die?

It's like I'm a black widow.

- All your lovers die?
- No, not all.

- But a lot.
- Hi, Jonathan. I can take you back to the green room now.

Okay, sweetie, good luck.
I'll be rooting for you.

Remember, positive thinking.

Don't fail.

So just be relaxed.
Dick likes it to be a conversation.

- Right right.
- And tonight's theme is young writers,

so you'll just talk about your book.
Oh, one thing,

maintain eye contact with Dick at all times.
Don't look at the camera.

Right, no camera, make eye
contact with his Dick.

Sorry, just--
ahem.

- And here is the green room.
- Yes, this is the green room.

- Oh God.
- Jonathan, this is Louis Greene.

He'll be following you
on the show.

And, Louis, this is
Jonathan Ames.

Hello, Jonathan.
Your most recent publication

was unwarranted and ill-deserved,
did you know that?

Okay. I'll be back in a few
minutes to take you to makeup.

Oh sure, take your time.

So I read your book,
if you can call it that.

I can't believe you plagiarized

my award-winning story
for "The New Yorker" magazine.

What are you talking about?
We both wrote about the coke dealers.

Two different takes--
like "Rashomon."

That's not the "Rashomon"
I remember.

Well, I suppose
you could argue that

your work is
derivative of mine,

but that would be like saying
a monkey with a paintbrush

is a distant relation
of Van Gogh.

Can you just attack me
in your mind and not out loud?

I'd like to concentrate.
I need to prepare.

Oh, you need to prepare?
I don't.

No, you see, I was reared
on "The Dick Cavett Show."

My father and I would watch every night.
He made me transcribe

each episode so we could
reenact it the next day.

I used to love
to be Gore vidal.

Oh, but then you probably
don't know who that is.

What exactly are you doing here, Louis?
You don't have a book out.

No, I don't, but my agent says
my appearance on the show

is going to create a bidding war for
my novel, "The Black Clock Of Time."

- What? "The Black Cock Of Time"?
- Oh, you fiendish baboon.

"The Black Clock Of Time."

It's a nuclear holocaust novel

set in the past.

- Sorry, tricky title.
- It's not a tricky--

Jonathan, I'll take you to makeup first.

Thank you.

Okay, keep sleeping.
Daddy needs a drink.

That guy with the beard
was really odd, right?

He was strange, but it
must have been a mistake.

He'll come back.
He left his own son here.

How do we know that's his son?

I mean, people passing
by him now

probably think my daughter
is his daughter.

Yeah, he was a little off.

- He wanted us to breastfeed the little boy.
- Okay,

I just Googled "Ray Hueston"
and it led me to this.

Oh...

Oh God.

Oh my God.

He's a monster.

Sorry it took me so long to get over here.
I was on the phone with mom

and I walked east instead of west
and then north instead of South.

- She says hello.
- How is your mom?

She's good-- crazy, manic.

Did you know that she turned
her house in Costa Rica

into an eco-friendly
bed and breakfast?

No, I hadn't heard about that.

You know, actually

my restaurant has a very
minimal eco-footprint.

I only get produce from farms

within 100 miles
of New York City.

Why do you always have
to compete with mom?

Why do you have to trump
everything she does?

I'm not try--

I'm sorry everything I say
seems to annoy you.

So am I.

Okay, so what did you
want to talk to me about?

Well, I'm sure it's going
to piss you off again,

but I'm just concerned
that I was such a-- a--

such a failure as a father

that Bernard is some kind of

weird freudian substitute.

Oh wow, you're really good.
That does piss me off.

Wait, you know I reject Freud.

Sweetheart, Freud's
very important.

I can't believe you're making
my engagement about you.

- He's your substitute?
- Yes!

He's practically
the same age as me.

He's gonna be dead in 20 years.

30-- 30 years maybe.

I don't care that he's old.
I'm like Woody Allen.

- My heart wants him. - No no,
don't-- don't-- don't use Woody Allen.

That's worse-- that's worse
than the twinkie defense.

No, it's not.
Dad,

this is the first time
in my life,

and probably my past lives,
that I haven't felt lonely.

- Oh, sweetheart.
- Dad, I love him.

I wish you could respect
that-- or at least pretend to.

No no, I do respect that.

I always manage to say
the wrong thing.

It's like I have
a limp emotionally.

- Come here, I'm sorry.
- Okay.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- I love you Mowell--n that.
- See, wa! Competitive.

Be sure and pick up
Danny Woodside's new book.

It's called "Splitsies, A child's
perspective on divorce."

- Thank you, Dick.
- Good to see you.

Now our next young
writer has just come out

with a new book
of mystery stories,

and it is called
"the blonde in the woods."

So please welcome
Jonathan-- uh, Ames.

Jonathan Ames.

Jonathan.

Oooh. Aha ha.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

We don't require
dramatic entrances.

- Good one, Dick.
- Sorry, the glasses-- I couldn't see.

By the way, it's not terribly
wise to wear sunglasses

on television. Do you think
maybe you could do without them?

- Oh yes, sorry.
- Yeah.

Now as for your
latest escapade--

Jonathan, we don't have
smoking on television.

- Right.
- You see, we're in New York City

and you can't even smoke
in your own apartment now.

Sorry, I was trying to
channel Robert Mitchum.

Oh, this is too delicious.
He's like a mental pygmy.

Oh, I love it, I love it,
I love it.

Well, Jonathan, you not only
write mysteries, you solve them.

Are you working
on a case right now?

My wife hasn't
hired you, has she?

Um, I'm actually my own client
at the moment.

I'm searching
for my biological father.

Wow, that's quite a case.

Uh, damn, we have to stop right
now for some commercials.

We'd love it if you
could stay and maybe

talk some more about
all this after the break.

- Sure, really?
- Okay.

We'll be back then, after this
break, with Jonathan Ames.

Don't go away.

- Okay.
- Is everything going okay, Dick?

Yeah, good. Look, listen,
let's cancel the next guest.

This father stuff is good.
We're in "Oprah" territory.

All right, you got it.

"What do I think about the state
of American culture? Well, Dick,"

I think we could make penicillin
out of American culture.

I mean, look at Jonathan Ames.

"Thank you. I'm glad the
audience found that amusing."

Perfect.

Um, Mr. Greene?

Oh hi, Liz.
Oh, is this it?

Am I going on?
How do I look?

You know, actually we're gonna
have to bump you from the show.

These things happen. Mr.
Cavett wants to extend the segment with Mr. Ames.

With-- with Jonathan?

You don't understand,

I have been preparing
my whole life

to intellectually engage
with Dick Cavett,

- not Jonathan Ames.
- There's nothing I can do.

No, please listen.

My father is watching, okay?
This is everything to us.

I mean, they even took
daddy off his thorazine

just for tonight
so he could watch, so--

I'm so sorry, Mr. Greene.

Just put me on
for a couple of seconds.

Just a few seconds.
Okay, I'll level with you.

I have crippling debt and my
agent says that my novel,

"the black clock of time,"
will not sell

- unless I am on the show.
- "The Big Black Cock Of Time"?

No, you subnormal illiterate.

"The Black Clock Of Time."

It isn't hard. I didn't say "big.
" Why would you say that?

- What's wrong with you?
- You're bumped, Mr. Greene!

No, please, Liz.

He's some kind
of sick cartoonist.

All he draws are penises
and he has my little girl.

Can you describe the penises?

B-big.

Do you have a Nemesis,

the way Sherlock Holmes
had Professor Moriarty?

Well, I don't want to speak
poorly of him on air,

but my Nemesis was going
to be your next guest

- Logr- what?

- Really?
- But I do feel bad for him.

I was told once that his
father, a child psychologist,

- experimented on him.
- Experimented on him?

- What kind of experiments?
- Made him sleep in a box,

sensory deprivation, transcription
of television shows--

- that sort of thing.
- Whew, that's terrible.

The father sounds like
the poor man's b.F. Skinner.

What a kook.

This must stop.

Hi. 52nd, between ninth
and 10th, please.

"The Cavett show."

Hi, I'm parks commissioner
Adrian Benepe,

letting you know about
a program that offers...

How do you t--
how do you turn--

This is an urgent alert from
the New York Police Department.

- Ray? Oh my God. - If you have any
information pertaining to this matter...

Oh, Ray.

Excuse me,
can I borrow your phone?

I lost mine in a mailbox.

I have to call my friend.
He's in trouble.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

But please don't call Pakistan.

The CIA doesn't like it
when I do that.

917...

917-- oh, who am I kidding?

My mind is shot. I haven't
memorized a phone number in years.

Could you hurry up, please?

Okay.

Well, I don't have
a lot of clues,

but even if I find
my biological dad,

I do want to make it clear
that my dad who raised me

- was a wonderful father...
- Eh, excuse me.

- Where is the lever that controls the curtain, please?
- Shh shh shh.

Especially since he's watching.

I'm glad to hear he's watching.

We could use the ratings.

- My mom's also watching.
- Okay then.

All the better.
You know, we're almost funny.

- We should have a comedy show.
- You're funny. I'm just--

you know, with all that we've talked
about I just can't help thinking

that not knowing who
your biological father is

must be a pretty dark place.

It is dark,
but my spirits are good.

- Hmm.
- I'm kind of an upbeat Hamlet.

- Upbeat Hamlet?
- What does he know about Hamlet, that idiot?!

"To be or not to be."

Mr. Cavett, I know I'm supposed to
look you in the eye at all times,

but could I speak directly
to the audience at home?

Well, this is unusual,
but so are you.

And so am I.
Yeah sure, go ahead.

Thank you.

Hello.

If anyone knows anything

about the Hudson sperm bank
that went up in flames

in fair lawn,
new Jersey, in 1981,

- please lp me...
- Always with the sentimental claptrap!

Look out, Dick!

Oh dear lord,
that's not the curtain.

Oh, fuckity.

- Who is that?
- That's my moriarty.

Mr. Cavett, I was just trying
to bring down the curtain.

Jonathan, Jonathan.

We have to call Ray.
There's been an emergency.

Hey, Dick.
George Christopher.

We had lunch together in 1979

- with Norman mailer.
- Whatever.

It was awhile ago.

♪ let me introduce
to you a brand-new dance ♪

♪ I know you gonna love it
if you give it one chance ♪

♪ it's not complicated,
it's not too hard ♪

♪ You don't even have
to be a hip-hop star... ♪

God!

Who are you
and where is Spencer?

- And up.
- Be careful. This is a...

- Still not picking up.
- Maybe he's in hiding.

I never would have thought
he'd kidnap a child.

Oh, Mr. Cavett.

Thank you so much
for having me on your show.

- I'm sorry about--
- Oh, nothing to be sorry about.

This was fantastic tv.

And, my lad, you are going
to sell a shitload of books.

- Thank you.
- Oh, good luck on your dad.

Get me down, you oxen.

What do I pay my taxes for?

- Here, let me go around.
- Whoa, easy easy.

I had the chicken Kiev
at the Russian tea room.

So-- oh.

Ray Hueston?
You're free to go.

You're hurting me. Easy.

Ray?
Ray, thank God you're here.

Louis?

- Help me.
- Get in there.

The sandwiches aren't half bad!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Is Spencer all right?

Yes, he's with Renee
in Ditmas park.

Everyone realizes
it was a big mistake,

- but, Ray--
- What?

Renee's worried about you
being alone with Spencer.

She wants to reconsider
the arrangement.

Oh God.

- I'm sorry, Ray.
- I'm sure she'll come around.

I once left Emily locked in a
car when she was five years old

and her mom got over it.
We didn't speak for a year,

but...

I'm sorry to hear that. Of course I'll
write a letter to your parole officer.

- Thank you, papi.
- It's the least I can do.

Oh, thank you, Jose.

They took my cravat, you know?

- The navy blue one.
- Oh.

This is a monstrous place.

♪ oh, my bills are all due ♪

♪ and the baby needs shoes ♪

♪ cotton is down
to a quarter a pound ♪

♪ but I'm busted ♪

♪ I got a cow that went dry ♪

♪ and a hen that won't lay ♪

♪ a big stack of bills
that gets bigger each day ♪

♪ the county will haul
my belongings away ♪

♪ 'cause I'm busted ♪

♪ I went to my brother
to ask for a loan ♪

♪ 'cause I'm busted ♪

♪ I hate to beg
like a dog for a bone ♪

♪ but I'm busted ♪

♪ I mean, nothing. ♪