Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 2 - Gumball! - full transcript

Come on, Ray. Where are you?

I'm coming, Jonathan.

Hold the door. Hold the door.

Hey, hey. hey!

Oh, hi.

I've always had this thing where I kind of
want to just grab a policeman's gun.

Kind of like a mental Tourette's
that I don't act on'

I think it's the way it
kind of just protrudes.

It's like' "Touch me. Touch me."
And you can't, you know?

Have you been drinking?

No, sir. No.



This is my floor. Thank you.

Building inspector.

Yes?

It's been reported that
you have a safety violation by your window.

The co-op board is going to fine you.

Wait, what? Reported?

I'm gonna have to violate your inspection.
It's a matter of code, so...

- Wait.
- Yeah.

Todd, what's going on?

There's some kind of window problem.
He's from the co-op board.

But it's after midnight.

That's the most dangerous
time of night for windows.

I'll only be a second, okay?

- Jonathan!
- Ray! Thank God.



Okay, just drop down to the ledge.

- I'll catch you.
- No, I'll die.

Yeah, maybe.

- Maybe?
- But I won't let you.

I've been carrying Spencer all day
I'll catch you. I am a father now.

Okay.

- Ray!
- I got you! I got you! I got you!

Thank you. Thank you, Ray.

Ray, thank you. Thank you so much, Ray.

What the hell is going on?
I'm calling the cops.

No, that's not necessary.

Your window's fine.
I'll tell the co-op board, okay?

Here's $11 for your trouble. Sorry.

Ray, I'm not complaining, but what took so long?
I almost died up there.

Sorry, I was getting some action from Leah.

You know what I'm up against.
She has the sex drive of a cicada.

I couldn't turn it down.

I was hanging on that clock for an hour,
and you just had sex?

Yeah, it was great. I got her to soak
her nipples in whiskey and nurse me.

Come on, two of my most favorite things
in the world. Hope I don't get a DUI.

Well, drunk driving
is the least of our problems right now.

Okay, you're right. Start from the beginning.
How did you get framed for murder?

And then when I came to,
my pants were at my ankles,

and the gun was in my hand.

Next thing I know, the cops are banging
on the door, but I got away.

Lord. Are you making this up?

No. And I don't know why my pants
were at my ankles.

Have you tried to go to the bathroom?
Are you sore?

Ray, don't be mean.
This is the worst night of my life.

Mean? It's a legitimate question.

If you were sexually assaulted
while unconscious,

I would like to know.

30"'!

Listen, I just think you should go to the
police and tell them everything you know.

I can't do that.

I could be in Rikers for months
before my name is cleared.

And I've got a lot of blog interviews
to do for my book.

Yeah, but if you were at Rikers,
it could help sales.

That's true.

But I'm supposed to be on
The New Dick Cavett Show next week.

- I don't want to miss that.
- No, no, forget Cavett.

Turn yourself in.
It's the most sane course of action.

I can't.
I have a natural tendency towards guilt.

I might freak out and
make a false confession.

Also, you fled the scene of a crime.
Innocent men do not run.

My God, you're right. I might go to prison.

- Oh, God.
- All right, all right. Listen, you two.

Look, let's just go to bed.

I read in a spy novel once the fugitive's
most effective weapon is sleep.

We'll figure this all out in the morning.

Sleep? I'm too upset to sleep.
I've just shattered my life.

All right, Jonathan. I'll put on the vaporizer.
I also have some Valium.

It's a mixture that I've been playing
around with lately.

Could be comforting.

Also, it's not too bad if you top it off
with just a sip of prosecco.

Sounds like a pot-head's BLT. I like it.

Come here. Let me take care of you.
Come on.

My thoughts feel buttery.

Hey, can we do high-lows?

Leah and I do that when
we tuck her girls in.

Sure, Ray. You go first.

Well, my high was breastfeeding Spencer
and being nursed by Leah.

And I didn't have a low. Your turn, George.

My high was seeing Emily.

My low was her boyfriend,
who was wearing a bicycle leotard

and asking permission to marry her.

But that's wonderful news, George.

It isn't.

He's nearly 60. He's way too old for her.
I might sleep with a woman half my age,

but I'd never marry her.

Well, from one father to another,

I think that's a reasonable
position to take.

Your turn, Jonathan.

Well, in the last 24 hours,

I found out that I came from a sperm bank
in Fair Lawn, New Jersey,

and I've been framed for murder.

You're supposed to say, "My high was..."

I don't feel like playing a game right now' Ray.
I'm in real trouble.

The universe is punishing me
for having my book out.

No, you shouldn't think like that.
The universe doesn't care about books.

Okay, let's go to sleep. Everything
will be all right in the morning.

No spooning, Ray.

No spooning, Ray.

I can't fall asleep unless I hold someone.

All right, Ray.

Good night, boys.

Good night, George.

Good morning.

Mr. Christopher, there are police here.
They want to come up and see you.

What'? Well, stall them. Offer them scones.

The police are downstairs at the restaurant.
They're coming up to talk to me.

These guys are really good detectives.
They must have googled me.

I had a beautiful dream
about a gumball machine.

- Can I tell you about it'?
- Not now, Ray.

Ray, get out of bed! We've got to hide!

Where are you going? Where are you going?

No, no. They'll see you there.
Here, get in the dumbwaiter.

It goes down to the restaurant's kitchen.
Go on, get in.

The scones didn't work.

Okay, it's best to act totally innocently.
I got that from the same spy novel.

Hey, fellas. Come on up. Fifth floor.
I'll leave the door open.

- Why am I fleeing?
- 'Cause you're a good friend.

It's too early to be a good friend.

All right, I'll try to keep the police busy,
and then I'll catch up with you two later.

George, George. We need shoes for running
and phones for communicating.

Why didn't you...

Hurry.

Here's some spending money, too.

We'll meet up later.
Make sure you're not followed.

They might tail you to get to me.

- Really?
- Come on.

Oh, hey, fellas.

Sorry.

I hope I wasn't hanging out there.
Come on in.

George's shoes are really hard
to make a getaway in.

I think they're the Italian ones
O.J. Simpson wore.

Did you notice last night
how hairless George's legs are?

I did notice.

Do you think it's because
his pants have rubbed everything off

over the last 60 years, or did his
legs go bald because he's so old?

I don't know. It is mystifying.

I think... Oh, my God, Ray, look.

That Arab terrorist has your mole.

That's me, Ray. Here.

Buy a copy. We've got to get off
the streets I'm a wanted man.

I would have never drawn you like that.

What is our city coming to?

- Thank you, sir.
- There's killers everywhere.

They made my nose way too big.
This thing is a real Shylockian fish hook.

Do you think it's anti-Semitic on purpose?

I don't think so.
I think the cops will probably spin it

as a Jew-on-Jew murder
to avoid a race riot.

- Remember Crown Heights?
- Yeah, you're right.

I wonder what Spencer's nose will look like
Right now it's just a little nub,

with these two little breathing holes.
Little guy.

Yeah, my nose was nice and small.
Then it exploded.

Puberty hit me there at least two years
before it hit my penis.

I was all out of proportion.

Can we have one conversation
that doesn't involve your peen?

It won't be easy, but I can try.

I've gotta get the bastards who did this.

It has to be my client. I never should have
taken a case over the phone.

- Do you know where he lives?
- No, but I do have his cell phone number.

We need someone who can get us
an address off of that.

Now I think... Shit, we've been made.

How's staring camp going?

What's the matter, you don't like my pajamas?
I don't like your corporate slave outfit.

- It's so good to see you, Howard.
- Yeah, I've been expecting you.

Get away from the window.

I've been reading the papers.

- Got everything prepared.
- What?

I only had two hours,
but I think I've got you covered.

All right, stolen Amex.
This is good for 48 hours.

Passport. And pilot's disguise.

And I'm throwing in a free lock pick.

I've always wanted to wear one of these.

I like the shiny brim.
I think my eyes are drawn to it.

That's for Jonathan. Where's George?

He never fools around on an operation.

He's diverting the police at the moment.

Jaime Montero? Why am I Mexican?

You have Mexican pigmentation.

You made him Mexican in this country?
They'll be all over him.

I made him a Mexican airline pilot.

The two things cancel each other out.

You know, I don't think
I like your attitude.

I don't think I like your attitude.

- Oh, well, tell it to your beard.
- Whoa, whoa. Guys.

Howard, I appreciate all this,
but I'm not leaving the US.

I want to find the murderer
and prove my innocence.

All I have is his cell phone number.
I need a name and an address.

I'm gonna have to hack into the telecom.
It's not gonna be easy.

Not easy means not cheap.

I assume George is paying for all of this?

- Yeah.
- All right, I'll run the number.

Throw in another one of
these pilot outfits.

I could have a fat pilot
outfit in 20 minutes.

No, I need one. This isn't for you.

I'm glad you're not running, Jonathan.

I was convicted of exposing myself
on the D train.

I've never been able to clear my name.

These people with cell phone cameras.

You have the chance I never got.

George, perfect timing.
I was just coming to see you.

All right. Just try to keep a low profile.

What? Why?

There might be people following me.

No, don't be so obvious.

You know, I'm not one to judge, George,
but you reek of cannabis.

I just had one medicinal hit.
My nerves are shot.

Try to be a little judicious about this
kind of thing with Emily.

She's still new to sobriety.
She's not entirely stable.

I know, I know. I...

Trust me, I have every intention
of hiding my smoking from her.

And I don't usually indulge in the morning.

It's just that I've been
dealing with the police.

Why? What's happening?

Are you selling marijuana?

No. A friend of mine is in trouble.
It's a bit complicated.

- It's best you stay out of it.
- Okay.

But listen, I came to see
if you had an answer.

Do I have your permission to marry Emily?

Bernard. I'm gonna borrow your bicycle.

Wait. George.

- Yes or no?
- Can I get an extension?

Not even wearing a helmet.

The house over there.

Was the bag really necessary?

What? It makes my outfit more authentic.
Plus I need a good overnight bag.

Shit, it's my parents.

Jonathan?

Mom, now is not a good time. I got a...

Two homicide detectives are here.

They said you're wanted for murder
of a nice jockey.

A Jewish jockey. What were you thinking?

Did you murder him
because I'm sterile?

- Tell your parents I said hi.
- Listen, I'm innocent. I swear.

Tell the detectives I'm
gonna clear my name.

He says he's innocent. He went to Princeton.
He wouldn't lie.

Yeah, the tuition there was very expensive.

I can't believe
my parents got dragged into this.

They're hysterical.
I'm gonna make this guy pay.

Check out that babe.
Would you look at the stems on her'?

That's the woman I was hired to tail.
She must be involved.

- We're going in.
- Good.

Who are you? Why did you frame me?

What? Who are you?
What are you pilots doing in my house?

You know damn well who I am.
Don't play me for a fool or an idiot.

Yeah, that's my job.

Get out. I've never seen
you before in my life.

Then call the cops. They're looking for me.
Might even get you a reward.

Phone.

You don't want the cops
anywhere near this place, do you?

So quit the charade and tell me,
why did you do it?

I didn't do it. I swear.

It was my boyfriend, Sid.

He found out
Schwartz and I were having an affair.

That's why you were meeting Schwartz
at the hotel?

Yes. Sid shot him in cold blood.

Told me he'd do the same to me
if I didn't keep my mouth shut.

I'm a prisoner in my own home.

Well, Sid's mother's house.

Where is Sid now? Tell me, and
you won't be a prisoner anymore.

He's at the Prospect Park Carousel.
He works there.

It's where all the ex-jockeys end up.

An ex-jockey-on-jockey murder.

You won't regret this.
I'm gonna clear my name and set you free.

You're a little tall for my taste,

but when this is all over,

you can leave your slippers
under my bed anytime.

How about two pairs of slippers?

Hola.

George, it's Jonathan.

Oh, Jonathan, wait a second.

How do I know it's really you?

Can't you tell from my voice?

Maybe. I mean' you do sound kind of nasal.

I know, I know.

Tell me something that only you and I know.

Last night' you and Ray snuggled
and didn't include me.

What does that have to do with anything?

I believe it's you. So what's your 10-20?

Our location? We're heading to
the Prospect Park Carousel.

All right,
I will Tango and Foxtrot with you there.

But you should probably know

I think I'm being followed.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

By several agents.

Possibly from...

Multiple branches of the government.

George, are you stoned?

No, not so much anymore.
It's kind of wearing off.

Wait a second. We shouldn't be...

We should stay off the phone.
Hang up, hang up.

Uh...

Bye-bye, mamacita. Talk to you mañana.

What am I...

Man down. George is stoned.

It's always the weak who
fall first in battle.

Last ride of the day. Last ride!

That guy came to my reading.
I signed his book and everything.

Did you personalize it?
A lot of times, that's what the fans want.

If you don't do that, they get upset.

I don't think that's why
he framed me for murder.

Hey, Ray, Jonathan.

Hey. Hi, guys

No, it's okay. I think I lost them.

- Where'd you get that great bike?
- From Bernard.

Why are you guys in the navy?

We're pilots for Aeromexico.
We picked up disguises from Howard.

You went there without me? Come on.

You know how much I love
going to Howard's.

I'm sorry, George.
You can come with us next time.

- You want me to fill you in?
- No, no, I'll catch on.

I'm very intuitive.

God, it's a beautiful Ferris wheel.

It's a carousel, George.

Well, it's...

Oh, yeah.

- Th at was for Schwartz
- Who's Schwartz?

- Hey, come on.
- I'll pick it up as we go.

You're coming downtown with us.

Well, uptown, actually, and to the west.
To the cops!

You can take me in, dick,
but you got nothing on me.

Oh, I got plenty.
The blonde gave us the goods.

- What blonde?
- George, please.

- Okay.
- Kitty ratted me out?

Yeah, she told us everything.
I only have one question,

Why me?

It was that article about you
and your book in The Post.

It was clear you were somebody
who could be duped.

Why were his pants around his ankles
in the hotel room, huh?

Yeah, Ray's very curious about that.

We were painting the picture
that you and Schwartz were lovers,

had a quarrel. Figured that would stick.

You got $3 bill written all over you.

- Hey.
- Wait a second.

- What do you mean, we?
- It was Kitty's idea.

The pants at the ankles' everything.
She wanted Schwartz dead.

But I thought that you killed Schwartz
out of green-eyed jealousy.

What are you talking about?

Schwartz made her the beneficiary
of his will and his life insurance.

She played him.
That's why we knocked him off.

And she was gonna split the money with you?

Yeah. We were gonna leave town together,

start a new life, away from the ponies.

This is a terrible story.

Gumball, you came for me.

I had a dream
about a gumball machine last night.

Hello, Sid.

Oh, my God! Gumball shot him!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

You shouldn't throw a gun,
they're like scissors.

Why not? I'm getting your prints
on the gun you just killed Sid with.

Sorry, no bullets left.

- But this one is loaded.

And this is the gun Sid used to kill you and
your friends during your little shootout.

Please don't. Look, I just became a new dad
to a beautiful boy named Spencer.

His mothers are divorced lesbians,
and I love him very much.

Please don't do this.

Stop crying. This isn't a book club.

You plugged me.

Go!

I loved you.

- Down! Get down!
- I'm too young to be shot.

Other way! Other way! Other way!
No, no, no!

I'm never going on a Ferris wheel again.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Drop your weapon!

Ow!

Look, look, look.
See, I knew I was being followed.

Hi, remember me?

I'm not paranoid.

You did a great job, Jonathan.
Excellent detective work.

Thank you, Officer Drake.
Coming from you, that means a lot.

That's why the boys and I got you these
as a token of our appreciation. Look.

Is this like making us honorary deputies?

- No, they're just baseball caps.
- I see.

- Yeah, so...
- Well, thank you.

And how are you doing, Officer Drake?
You know, with your issues?

Yeah. Well, I did start to, uh,

take my wife's birth control pills.

But then, you know, I stopped

and I got some therapy
and now I'm doing much better.

So, thank you for asking.

Anytime.

Okay.

All cleared up?

Guys, I'm really sorry
I put your lives in danger.

You know,
I like these little brushes with death.

Makes everything new again.

I don't. I can't afford to die, Jonathan.
I don't have health insurance.

I'm so sorry, Ray.

Look, I don't like to be the voice of reason,
but now that I'm a dad, I guess it suits me,

but you've gotta stop being a detective.
It's too dangerous. I keep getting hurt.

I don't know. The police
gave us these hats.

We must be doing something right.

Oh, Jonathan. I like this hat.

Yeah, now I don't feel so left out.

Besides, Ray, can't retire just yet.

Still have to find out who my real dad is.

And you will, Jonathan. You will.

Shall we?

You know, I really do like that bag.

Howard sells them, right?
Does it have a false bottom?

I have a false bottom.

Well, you know, sometimes.
I'm not wearing one now, but...

George, what are
you talking about?

Well, have you ever seen these little
undies that have pads on each cheek?

Yeah, they make those for men?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.