Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 4 - I've Been Living Like a Demented God! - full transcript

There's no easy way
to say this.

You have stage 2
prostate cancer.

Is stage 2 good?

Because I would
like a good stage.

I want to be exclusive
with Warren.

- Calm down or I'll ventilate you.
- Ventilate?

- ( Rings )
- Hello?

I want you to bring $20,000

or your weird little friend
here is going to die.

G4 rubber-bullet guns.
You need this. No discussion.

- ( Coughing )
- Oh!



Why did your friend
park on the lawn?

- Mom, he's not my friend.
- You got the money?

New Jersey sucks!

Well, that was just rude.

♪ All the shadows
in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely... ♪

- ( coughs )
- ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

you know, I blame myself
for this prostate cancer.

If you have a character flaw,

you're susceptible
to disease in that area.



What do you mean?
I don't understand.

It's a new theory of mine.
For example,

I had a great aunt
who lived up in Newport.

She used her beauty
selfishly...

got married four times,
always for money.

And then she had sinus cancer

and her nose had to be removed.

- Oh my God, the nose.
- I know, very disfiguring.

Now there's me. You know, I've
been sexually out of control

for 40 years.

I mean, I've torn
through people's lives.

So my punishment
is prostate cancer.

George, you're being
way too hard on yourself.

It's not good for
your immune system.

No, I'm not being
too hard, Jonathan.

I've been selfish.
I've been living like a demented God.

Well, I wish I could live
like a demented God.

I've been living like
a demented loser.

No, this is about me.

Look, I'm the only one who's
allowed to be negative here.

But I suck at everything.

I was broken up with again.

I'm a lousy detective.
My parents had to bail me out.

Name one private detective who goes
to his parents when he's in trouble.

And I'm failing as a writer.

I disagree with
everything you've said.

There's nothing to disagree with.
These are statements of fact.

I should probably just quit
everything and go to l school.

Oh God no, that's horrible.
No, listen to me...

Jonathan,
everything you do is f:

Being a detective,
being a writer.

Pay attention to a dying man.

Keep doing what you're doing.
It's not boring.

And that's all
that counts in life.

George, you're not dying.

You're gonna be okay.

You're dating your doctor.
She cares about your prostate.

But I may not be okay.

You know, I was reading
Joan Didion,

where she describes how her
husband died just like that.

It just seems so unfair
that we can be turned off

like a... like a switch,
like we never lived,

like we never mattered.

I don't want to be turned off.

Okay.

We both need to do a lot better
with our positive thinking.

Mmm.

What's something positive
we can think about?

Uh...

Oh no, that last bag
of pot you got me?

Very dreamy.
Now that's positive.

In my mind, I saw a dandelion

turn into a tiger's paw.

It was beautiful.

Right.

You're not what I had
in mind for a dick.

I was expecting a piece
of beef... shoulders.

Well, if you don't like my dimensions,
I thank you for the whiskey

- and I'll be on my way.
- No no. No no no.

I'm sorry.
You got expressive hands.

That's a sign of intelligence
and I need somebody with brains.

I'll take the compliment.
I'm short on them these days.

So what's the nature of
your problem, Professor?

Do you break into places
for clients?

I've been known to.
What do you need done?

Oh, I screwed up... bad.

Look, I'll be Frank with you...
I'm a tenured Professor,

but I'm also a junkie...

functional.

But I got in hock
to my dealers.

I was desperate and I gave
them something valuable.

- What did you give them?
- A signed first edition of "on the road."

I convinced them it was
worth $1,000 on eBay.

Wow.
I love Jack kerouac.

What capote said about him
was completely unfair.

Yeah, but I went online
after I gave it to him

and I found out the book is
worth much more than I thought.

I'm an idiot.
It could fetch as much as 75 grand.

Holy shit.
That's a lot of money.

That's right.
I could retire on that cash.

And I need a new chair.

You know,
when you're chairbound,

hemorrhoids are very cruel.

So where's the book now?

I don't know.
But here's what I had in mind:

Tomorrow their runner
drops off my bag of dope.

You follow 'em
back to their base.

When they're out,
you get the book.

- Will you do it?
- Okay, I'll take the case.

Ah, good. You come in a queer
package, but you got guts.

- I had guts once.
- If you don't mind me asking,

what kind of Professor
are you, Professor?

I'm a novelist.

I teach fiction writing
in the mfa program.

Really? I'm a... I'm sorry,
I haven't heard of you.

What books have you written?

Just one.
It came out in '70.

It was called
"the music that kills,"

about a homicidal
concert pianist,

goes nuts from
too much practicing.

Why didn't you write
a second novel?

Because I was afraid to.

( Girls chattering )

Shit.

- Emily: There's ray.
- Leah: Oh my God, it's ray.

Sylvie:
Ma, look, there's ray.

All:
Ray! Ray!

- Hey hi.
- Hi ray!

Okay, girls.
Why don't you go with Molly Ann?

Little ladies.

The girls wanted to,
well, you know.

It's funny bumping into you.

Ha.
Only in Brooklyn.

Yep.

What happened to your forehead?

Oh that? George shot me
with a rubber-bullet gun.

- What?
- It doesn't matter

I'm sorry about
that night with irwin...

you know, your lover
with the orange pubes.

Yeah, I know who
you're talking about.

But it's all right.

I haven't heard from him since.

Oh, good good.
I mean...

So did you...
did you read my comic book?

Uh, I haven't had
the chance. I'm sorry.

Did you listen to
the mix cd I made for you?

I put Chet Baker on it because I know
that you like the shape of his nose.

- Did you listen to that?
- Not yet, but I will.

You should listen to it.
I mean, it tells the story

of our relationship
in 18 songs.

I kind of put them chronological
order from when we first met

to the end part.

Ray, I've got to go.

Me too.
Yeah, okay.

Okay, come on, guys.

( Grunting )

- Hey, is that leah?
- Yeah, you're late.

That would have never happened had
you been here 10 minutes ago.

Sorry.
I had insomnia.

I masturbated like four
times to pass out,

but I couldn't fall asleep
till 6:00 in the morning

and then I slept late.
I'm sorry.

So was it okay to see leah?

No. That's the horrible
miracle of break-ups...

three years together and then you act
like you don't even know each other.

I'm sorry, ray.

Super ray.
Thanks for coming in, man.

- Bob, this is my friend Jonathan.
- Hi.

Hey, I didn't want to
give it away in my email,

but your comic book
selling like crazy.

- What?
- Yeah. It's a hit, man.

You might want to think about getting
a legit publisher for this thing.

I mean, look,
self-publishing is cool,

but I think the demand's
gonna be too great.

Yo, let me get your money.

Yeah okay.
Yeah, get it.

Ray, this is wonderful.

Are... are you the creator
of "super ray"?

Uh, yes I am.

- Could you sign my copy of your comic?
- Sure sure.

We think it's so cool
that super ray gets his powers

from his penis
hitting the third rail.

Where do you get your ideas?

- I smoke pot, then I draw.
- That's cool.

Um, could you sign this page?

It's my favorite.

- Sure.
- It's so romantic.

Super ray really loves leah.

Yes he does.

Okay, here you go.

Are you a vulcan or an elf?

Oh please, I'm an elf.

Right, okay.
Sorry.

- ( Girls giggling ) - Girl: I
can't believe you did that.

- I know!
- Holy shit.

You're on a roll.
What's going on?

I don't know.
But something is happening.

Ever since I finished
the comic book,

it's like I am super ray.

I mean, aside from
leah crushing my balls,

I'm feeling pretty good.

It's cool. It's like
you're having some kind of

a psychic transference
with your own character.

Yes. Also my mom
gave me some advice

from a self-help pamphlet
that she reads.

She's always doing that because
of my dad's otb addiction

and because of
her diabetes foot.

- I forgot she has diabetes.
- Yes.

She told me to visualize

impossible things happening,
which I did.

You know what I visualized?

- Making money.
- I need to get that pamphlet.

Super ray!
There's your money, ray.

- Bang.
- ♪ Let's go have a drink ♪

♪ right now and get drunk ♪

♪ 16 gin and tonics. ♪

it's not even noon.
I can't anyways.

I've got to go to
midwood college for a case.

- Do you want to come?
- Are you kidding?

Last time I tried to help you,
George shot me in the head.

George:
What would a police duck

say to a suicidal bear?

"You can bear it."

Oh God, that's terrible.

I'm never gonna win this thing.

- What are you doing?
- Ah.

Um, I was just studying
"the new yorker."

I had an idea too.

Instead of the caption contest,
which is stupid,

why don't we let readers
send in cartoons every week

and we'll publish the best one?

You know, I think people will love that.
That's not a bad idea.

I have a friend, actually,
who's a cartoonist.

No, I don't like cartoons.

All right.

So I just came by
to let you know

that all "edition"
employees are subject

to a mandatory random
drug test this afternoon.

A drug test?
Oh no.

No, listen, that is not
in the spirit of things

that I have cultivated
here at "edition."

I'm sorry. But it's protocol
for all subsidiaries

of Wellstone media.
They require it.

All right.
I'll inform the troops,

but they're not gonna like it.

Well, the troops
already know, George.

I'm just here to inform you.

I have to take a drug test?

As soon as he leaves,
I'll go out on this balcony.

Now you wait outside.

When I spot him,
I'll give you this sign.

I like that signal.
I've used it before.

All right.

I want to confess something,
Professor Hawkins.

Yeah?

You see, I'm also
a writer like you.

I've published one novel.

Oh no, I need a detective...
a man of action...

not some effete scribbler.

You've got to get that book for me.
I need that 75 grand.

This chair is killing me.

Don't worry.
I'm both...

writer and detective.

Uh, okay.
I get it.

Yeah. That's good... a writer
needs to get his hands dirty,

be steeped in vice.
I knew you had guts!

- Thank you. - You know, you
should write about your cases

like Dashiell hammett did.

Oh shit!
He'll be here any minute.

Go on, get downstairs.

Man: I'm definitely gonna
go to the meeting.

Hello, Professor.

- Jonathan? - Oh.
Hello, Louis. This is odd.

What are you doing here
at midwood college?

Let me guess... you're taking
a basic writing class.

No, Louis, m not in school.
I'm on a case.

Oh yes, I forgot about your
mental troubles in that area.

Tell me, you weren't
a forceps baby, were you?

Your skull
seems pinched on top.

Shut up, Louis.
What are you doing here?

I'm adjuncting in the English
department this semester.

- You... really?
- Yes, of course.

God, I would love
to teach here someday.

I mean, this campus
is so romantic.

And I'm already
very partial to sport coats,

which is great
for being a Professor.

Don't be ridiculous.
You're not cut out for academia.

What are you going to do...
teach students how to write

without flair or talent?

Greene, what exactly is
your problem with me?

Quite simply, you offend
me aesthetically.

And I regret not thrashing you more
thoroughly in the boxing ring.

But I won.

I feel, in retrospect,
that I performed

in the more dominating fashion.

What?
Do I have something?

But... where are you going?

I'm sorry you're
so bitter, Greene.

Must be difficult to have never
known the touch of a woman

because you have the bloated head of
a pumpkin and breath like cat food.

Well, at least I don't advertise
myself on Craig's list

like some kind of whore.

Calling yourself
a private detective! Ha!

I suppose it's better than
calling yourself a writer.

( Music playing )

- Here you go.
- Thank you, maestro.

Can I get a couple of shots of a nice
whiskey for me and the lady, please?

Sure.

Two more, please.
( Clears throat )

So what's the big occasion?

I came into a little bit
of money today.

So I guess you can buy me
another drink.

Sure.

Sorry about that.

So what's your name?

- Trouble.
- Trouble.

That was my mom's name.

Oh, that's good.
That's smoky.

- Two more.
- Sure.

You could grow on a person.

I have.

So what's your middle name?

Carol.

Carol.
That's my father's name.

Oh hey. Walter, right?
How you doing?

I'm fine, but my name
is Steven, Mr. Christopher.

Right right, sorry.

I'm just wondering, Steven...

see, I took this
anti-diuretic

and I am...
I'm very very dry.

Any chance that you could
fill up my urine cup for me?

I mean, it's embarrassing
if all I had

was a few meager droplets,
right?

I don't understand.

All I'm saying is
a young fellow like yourself

probably has enough
urine for two people.

Now is that too much to ask?

Excuse me, Mr. Christopher,

I... I have to go look
at something on my computer.

Ha! Ha.
All right.

Shit.

Hey.
Bobby, right?

How old are you?

( Cell phone ringing )

George, listen...

Jonathan, Jonathan,
how long does marijuana

stay in a person's system?
Is it more than 24 hours?

- I'm not sure. Listen... - Well, shit,
you're supposed to know these things.

Why?
I'm not an expert.

I did hear something about marijuana
staying in our fatty tissues...

- oh oh.
- What the fuck are you doing?

- George, I have to go.
- No no!

I need help. Oh.

I was just inspecting
the ceiling of your window here

and you're definitely at
risk for leakage.

You a fuckin' cop?
You look like a cop.

I do?

( Muttering )

Oh no, that's...

( Blowing )

I swear I'm not a cop.

I was just walking by
and I was drawn to your window.

I admit it...

I'm a voyeur.

What the fuck is a voyeur?

You know, like a peeping Tom.

- Who the fuck is Tom?
- Yeah, who the fuck is that?

( Match strikes )

How'd you get that band-aid?

Police work with friends.

Mmm. That's sexy.

Mmm. My God,
mm-hmm. Look at this thing.

Mm-hmm.

It's so beardy.

Mm-hmm.

I want to go down on it.

I don't like that.

- My dad had a beard.
- Mmm.

He died when I was 16
of esophageal hemorrhages...

From drinking.

- I'm gonna be a dad.
- Mmm?

These two lesbians
in ditmas park

got ahold of my sperm

and they're
six months' pregnant.

I don't know if I'm ever gonna
ballowed to see the child, but...

I don't want to hear
about your other women.

Sorry.

Boop boop.

( Gagging )

You should let me go
and hurt him.

I'm just a writer. I'm doing a
piece on him for "the new yorker."

- You are? - I was thinking about
a "talk of the town" piece.

You know, they're always about marginal
crackpots living on the edge of reality...

your whole Walter mitty delusion
about being a detective.

See, these motherfuckers
are detectives.

- No no no!
- Listen, guys, guys!

We are not undercover cops.
I swear.

I'll buy pot from you.
Would a cop buy pot?

I have a friend...
he has cancer.

He needs marijuana.
Now my own dealer disappeared recently.

That's probably because
you put him away.

Yeah, don't try that
entrapment bullshit, assholes.

There's only one way to know
whether a cop is a cop.

Here you go.

Snort this, 5-0,
and show us you ain't a cop.

I refuse.
That house key is very dirty

and I've never done anything
stronger than a vodka gimlet.

- So...
- Snort it.

- I just couldn't...
- Snort it.

I have terrible nasal polyps.

( Men shouting )

- Run!
- It says "don't walk."

Just run!

You know, I still can't believe
you thought for a moment

that you could teach
at midwood college.

Would you just shut up?
I could teach there.

I'm teaching at metropolitan
writers workshop.

Ha!
That rip-off night school?

The only students there
are ex-cons and subnormals.

Ah! Fuckety!

Oh shit. Come on.
Come on.

Come on.

Ah!

( Both grunting )

I can't.
I can't go on.

Oh, listen to me.

You bastard.
You've reduced my life to a b movie.

( Grunts ) You know, go
get help, you idiot.

I'll hide behind these logs.

Okay.
I'll be back.

I just want you to know
that even though

you're the most horrible
person I've ever met,

- I won't leave you here to die.
- Go, you idiot!

Oh, sentimental claptrap.

( Men chattering )

- Follow his footprints!
- Turn right.

- All right, all right.
- I don't see him!

Oh, come on, man.

Louis:

( Men taunting )

( All shouting )

( Man laughing )

What are you looking for?
What you lookin' for?

Oh, you didn't.

Get away from me.

Sighs )

Come here.
Come on.

Let's go.

- Ah!
- This way.

Gotta get my bag of pot
and the book.

My ankle will never
be the same because of you.

Shut up, Louis.
I just saved your life.

( Knocking )

George, we need to talk.

Sure, come on in.

I'm working on my column,
but it can wait for you.

I'm going to speak very slowly

because you're probably
stoned right now.

Your urine

tested off the charts

what? For thc.

You already got the results?

Onsite lab, George...
very high-tech.

And adding soap
to your specimen

wasn't very clever.

Soap? Oh no.
There must be a mistake.

I mean, it happens
all the time at the Olympics...

somebody's sample gets
confused with somebody else's.

You know, I've noticed
that Walter has...

Steven has sometimes very red beady eyes.
Have you...

George, you're going
to have to go to rehab.

Company policy.
We usually send people

to a very nice place
in Arizona.

Ariz... oh Jesus.

The dry air is
good for sobriety.

Katherine?

I haven't wanted to tell anyone

because I didn't want to frighten
anyone here at the office,

- but I have prostate cancer.
- What?

I can get you a doctor's note
and everything.

I admit I've been
smoking marijuana,

but for medicinal purposes.

It's why I failed
the drug test.

Oh, George, I'm very
sorry about your cancer.

It's okay. It's... I'm sure
everything will turn out all right.

My doctor is wonderful.

We started dating, actually.

You're dating your doctor?
Did you get a second opinion?

No no, but you know,
she has very good taste.

So no no, I trust her.

All right.
Well, you'll let me know

if there's anything
I can do to help.

Of course, Katherine.

Okay.

( Laughing )

♪ I don't have to
go to rehab. ♪

I have cancer.
( Laughs )

Jonathan: So Greene is
down on the ground

like piggy in
"lord of the flies"

and I just can't
leave him there.

So I swoop in... hyah hyah!

Hyah hyah! Bam!

I mean, it was like I was having
an out-of-body experience.

I took them all out, George.
It was incredible.

I am so proud of you, dear boy.

I think it's because of this
pamphlet that ray's mom read.

It's all about visualizing
delusional things

- and then believing in them.
- Isn't that like schizophrenia?

You have a point.
Maybe just as an exercise,

you should visualize that
your prostate is cancer-free.

You know I have an open mind to all these things.
I'll try anything.

Good. I'm gonna try.

I'm gonna visualize three
delusional things for myself...

that I'm a successful writer,
detective and college Professor.

I like all those
professions for you.

Yeah. And what's good
about all these jobs

is you wear basically the
same outfit... sport coats...

so you save money.
And I look good in them.

- ( Laughs ) - Can I show you
again how I took them all out?

- Of course.
- Okay.

So here I am standing
in the trees, right?

Now Greene is down
on the ground here

and he's looking
for his glasses.

That's my favorite part.

Now I'm here.
I go like that...

( Music playing )

( Ray snoring )

Where am I?

Who are you?

I'll tell you later.

Whatever you do,
do not flush the toilet.

( Snoring )

♪ Well, I'm the friendly
stranger in the black sedan ♪

♪ won't you hop
inside my car? ♪

♪ I got pictures, candy,
I'm a loveable man ♪

♪ and I could take you
to the nearest star ♪

♪ I'm your vehicle, babe ♪

♪ I'll take you anywhere
you want to go ♪

♪ I'm your vehicle, woman ♪

♪ by now I'm sure
you know ♪

- ♪ that I love ya ♪
- ♪ Love ya ♪

- ♪ I need ya ♪
- ♪ Need ya ♪

♪ I want ya,
I got to have ya ♪

♪ great God in heaven,
you know I love you ♪

♪ and I'm your vehicle,
babe ♪

♪ all right ♪

- ♪ you know I love ya ♪
- ♪ Love ya ♪

- ♪ I need ya ♪
- ♪ Need ya ♪

♪ I want ya,
I got to have ya, child ♪

♪ great God in heaven ♪

♪ you know I love you. ♪