Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Gowanus Canal Has Gonorrhea! - full transcript

I think my wife's been having
an affair on the side.

I want you to figure out
what's going on.

You're cheating on me with him?

This hard drive...
I need you to destroy it.

- ( Chirping ) - I'd like our
relationship to be open.

I feel really loved right now.

- I'm ready for more than cuddling.
- Oh!

I've had this terrific
pain inside of my penis.

What do you think
would cause it?

Off the top of my head,
I would say urethral scarring.

- ( Whispers ) Leah.
- Who are you?



I can't believe it's
only been three weeks.

He's just a guy I met.

Priscilla: I'd like all of you
idiots out of the house.

( Crying )

♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ used to love you, what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death, cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut, mad and lonely... ♪

- ( coughs )
- ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

( whistle blows )

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.



No problem.
I'm sorry.

As a kid I always
used to love models.

That's okay.
The models are there to be studied.

So, George, I have
your test results.

Is everything all right?
I mean, no STDs?

You know, somehow I have managed
throughout the years not to get herpes.

Although one time my lip exploded.
It was incredible.

It was nice.

No, no STDs, no herpes.

All right, good.
Wonderful.

George, there's no easy way to say this:
You have stage ii prostate cancer.

Oh, wow.

Okay, all right, okay.

All right, um...

( Stammers ) Is stage ii bad?

- Well... - I mean, are
there a lot of stages?

Is stage ii good?
Because I would like a od stage.

There are four stages. It would have
been better to have caught it sooner,

but it's still fairly early.

Most likely
the best course of action

will be to remove all
or part of the prostate.

Ooh, "remove."

Um, I've never had
anything removed before.

I mean like my...
my appendix.

My tonsils, wisdom teeth.

I hold onto everything.
I'm like a...

I'm like a hoarder, I guess.
But, um,

I'm completely intact.

I understand.
I have hoarding issues.

My apartment is filled

with plastic bags,
unread "new yorkers,"

congealed bottles
of salad dressing.

Sorry, I just...
I can't believe this.

Um, okay, is, um,

is that why I had
the pain in my penis?

No, I think that was just a random
odd pain and not at all connected.

George, I know this
is very difficult,

but the mortality rates for prostate
cancer are very encouraging.

Giuliani didn't die
from prostate cancer

Joe torre didn't die.
Nobody seems to be dying from this.

I don't want to scare you, but
some people do die, George.

That's why we're gonna do
everything we can to help you.

Oh my God.

I can't die.
I haven't figured anything out yet.

I'm going to look after you
as best I can.

( Groans )

Are you this kind
to all your patients?

No. I'm not.

Hey kids, showbiz!
Come on, let me hear you.

Now, kids, no more pussyfooting
around here at the slippera.

Speaking of, uh...
( Laughs )

Ladies and gentlemen, please put
your hands together right now

for the one, the only
miss Julie atlas muse.

( Instrumental music playing )

Wow.

This is incredible.
She's like a...

Siren in a poached egg.

Jonathan, I want to talk
to you about something.

I don't think our polyamory
experiment is working.

Really?
Oh, this is wonderful ns.

I mean, I like Warren...
he's a great guy,

a little obnoxious, but I do
prefer to have you all to myself.

Oh n... oh, sweetie,
I didn't say that right.

I adore you,

but I want to be
exclusive with Warren.

You're choosing Warren over me?

I just feel that I have more
of a history with Warren

and he's my first love.

Well, we have a shared history.
I mean, three months,

it's not epic,
but it's not unhistorical.

Jonathan,
Warren took my virginity.

I was with him
for four years in college.

I think I'm supposed
to marry him.

Oh, I can't believe this.

- I'm sorry. - Why didn't you just
break up with me on the phone?

Why make a date?
Why bring me here

with a naked girl in a
balloon blowing me kisses?

- I mean, it's... - Well, I thought
that this could be a way

to celebrate the...

sweetness and sexiness
of our relationship?

I'm sorry
if it was a dumb idea.

I still really want
to be friends.

Yeah.

- ( Pops )
- ( Gasps )

Emcee:
Miss Julie atlas muse.

- Jonathan ames?
- Yeah, who are you?

Hey! What the...
what is this?

- Huh? - Calm down or
I'll ventilate you.

Ventilate? Listen, there must
be some kind of mistake.

I have never been mugged before.
This neighborhood has been gentrified for years!

No! Help! Help!

No!
This is a mistake.

( Whimpers )

( Screams ) Don't drop me!
Don't drop me!

- Where's the ha drive?
- What hard drive?

The one you copied and stole from us.
Where is it?

You ve the wrong person.
I don't know what you're talking about!

- We're gonna drop you, jerkoff.
- No, Ahh!

- My phone!
- ( Splashes )

Ahh, oh my God!
Is that the gowanus?

The gowanus has gonorrhea!

Don't drop me!
Don't drop me!

- Does it really have gonorrhea?
- Oh yeah.

I read about it
in "the post."

All right,
let's yank the kid up.

The tendonitis in my elbow
feels like shit.

All right, we're pulling you up, you candyass.
You'd better talk!

- ( Yelp) - We know you have
the hard drive, asshole!

You were the last one to have a session
before the cops raided the place.

Sylvia says she found you
monkeying around in the office.

Oh, the dungeon!

I thought her name
was mistress Florence.

- Remember because I read that nasme as
Florence. - Now spill! - I don't have the thing.

I destroyed it for a client.

- I'm a private Detective.
- And I'm a male model.

Jesus f Christ.

- So who hired you?
- I can't tell you.

- I won't tell you.
- Let me make this simple for you.

We're on the lam.
We need money.

That hard drive
was our I.R.A.

- Our retirement fund.
- Yeah, jerkoff!

We had pictures. We had videos.
We could have made a fortune.

- It was a blackmail gold mine.
- Now all we have is you and whoso you have a choice:

Give us your client's name
or we hurt you.

- That a terrible choice.
- ( Snaps )

Ow!
A Charley horse?

That is so cheap!

- One more!
- Name.

Okay!

His name's not gonna
do you any good.

He's a cop.
He knew there was gonna a raid.

You guys were
laundering drug money.

You're not gonna
blackmail a cop.

He's right.

Fuck.
Fuck fuck!

Should we kill him?

What?! Kill... no!
No killing.

No killing. I'll pay you.
How much do you want?

Now you're talking.
We want to open up a new dungeon in Boston.

- That's about 20 grand.
- We only use the best equipment.

$20,000?
That's impossible.

You see, I'm also a writer.
My second novel was just rejected.

I have to pay back my advance.

I teach at night
to make ends meet.

I can't take this shit!
Let's just kill him and get out of here.

No, shut up.
Do you have any rich friends?

Yes, I have one,

but I don't think we should
involve my friends.

Ow ow ow ow!

Four!

I really like hitting you.

- You gonna call your rich friend?
- No.

Okay!
Okay.

But I just want you guys
to acknowledge

that I probably could have
taken a few more punches,

but because we're in a rush
I'll make the call now.

( Phone ringing )

- Hello?
- George, thank God.

- It's Jonathan.
- Jonathan.

- Dear boy, how are you?
- I'm in trouble.

- I've been abducted.
- What? Why?

It's really complicated.
It has to do with one of my cases.

Anyway, my captors are
demanding $20,000 tonight

- or...
- Or we're gonna kill you.

Stop saying that.

Anyways, George,
it's actually quite serious.

Can you come up with
that kind of money tonight?

Jonathan, is this a joke?

I've already vaporized
two bags of pot.

This is not a joke, I swear.

I need you to bring
$20,000 to...

Zolfo concrete factory
on Ninth off Smith street.

Did you get that, George?
Write it down, okay?

Ninth street in Brooklyn off
Smith by the Gowan Canal.

Uh, got it.
All right.

I'll mail it first thing in the morning.
Now who do I me the check to?

No, George,
not tomorrow, tonight.

I need you to bring
the money in cash tonight!

Do you understand?
My wife is on the line.

My life's on the line too!

Oh, Jonathan, I meant
to tell you in person.

I have prostate cancer.

Stage ii.

Can you believe that?
Stage ii!

Oh my God, really?

Is that why you had
the pain in your penis?

No no.

The doctor said the pain
in the penis was unrelated.

Oh my God, I

I don't wanna hear
about cancer or penises.

I want you to bring
$20,000 by 2:00 A.M.

Or your weird little friend
here is going to die.

I might die.

Did Jonathan tell you that I
have stage ii prostate cancer?

Is there someone else
you can call?

Play ball or we're gonna hurt
this kid in a permanent way.

- You hear what I'm saying?
- Wait wait, yes.

Sorry, um, uh,

20,000 cash,

concrete factory
on ninth in Brooklyn.

2:00 A.M.
Did I do that right?

Come alone. No cops.
Don't be late.

Whoa.

Cancer?
I can't believe it.

George is like
a second father to me.

I wouldn't worry about him.
Cancer takes time.

Bullets move fast.

Most prostate cancer is treatable
if it's caught in time.

My dad had it.
He's fine.

I'm pretty sure your
friend will be all right.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

( Tires squealing )

George, George.

I think we should just pay or go to the cops.
This is insanity.

No no, look what happened
to the lindbergh baby.

- Jonathan is not the lindbergh baby.
- Well, to me he is.

You know, I'm very
very fond of that boy.

What is that?

It's a hand-held marijuana vaporizer.
( Exhales )

If we're gonna do something this stupid,
I don't think we should be stoned.

Oh, I'm already very stoned.

All right, fuck it.
What's the plan of attack?

Okay, all right. First we go to
Howard's and we get outfitted.

You know, I was in the,
uh uh, national guard

in Connecticut during
the Vietnam war.

File that under
"who gives a shit?"

Well, I'm just saying.

- Hold this for a second.
Let me just... - ( Honking )

- George, George!
- All right, all right.

Um, hey, could I get a sip?

Whoo, thanks.

I've had a really bad night.

On top of everything else...
you guys,

George has cancer...

my girlfriend broke up with me.

Wow, that sucks.
Why?

She's going back
to her college boyfriend...

this real fat jerk.

She says she still wants to be
friends, but I'm pretty hurt.

That's the worst.
"Let's be friends."

I hope you told her
to go fuck herself.

I would never talk to her like that.
I mean...

what kind of a dickhead are you?
Don't be such a pussy!

This is the lightest most-effective
body armor money can buy.

- You need this, no discussion.
- Sold.

Howard, again thanks for opening
up for us at such a late hour.

Come on, George.
In my line of work I'm always on standby.

- Right. - Now, rum-converted
g4 rubber-bullet guns.

Nonlethal.
Made in Germany.

Very effective. I chose these so
in case something goes wrong,

you can avoid
a manslaughter charge.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, what do
you mean manslaughter? George?

All right, we'll take them.

Stand down, George.
And makes sure

the safety's off
before you go in the theater.

- Right there.
There you go. - Okay.

Check.
Oh Howard!

You sell vaporers?

Uh, no no! This is not "star trek"
and these are not vaporizers.

This is a walkie-talkie.
You're gonna use this

to communicate with Ray
when you guys are in the field.

- Right, check.
- Marine-issue flashbang grenades.

Very very loud.
And cover your eyes when you throw these.

They create a blinding
magnesium flash.

Confuses the hell
out of the tangos.

Splendid.
Howard, you really know your stuff.

- Doesn't he?
- Our boys are using these

in night operations
now in Iran.

- Don't you mean Iraq? - Little less
Sundance channel there, park slope.

What are these guys for?

I had those action figures
since I was a boy.

I look at them at night
before I go to sleep.

So uh, Howard, your wife
thrown you out, has she?

No, I like camping out here.
You know, you spend a few nights here,

go home on furlough,
really bumps the conjugal visits

up a couple of notches
on the old gun belt, you know.

( Mimics explosion )

Well, we should go.

So do you have a girlfriend?

Nah.
I don't have much luck.

You don't have any luck
'cause you're a tranny chaser.

You know I don't like
when you say that!

You're so judgmental.

- What about you?
- I've been married 17 years.

- She's already up in Boston
waiting for me. - Wow.

I've never been with anyone longer than two years.
What's your secret?

Never go to bed angry.

I pass this on to you.

Come on, that's your secret?
Never go to bed angry?

That's like the oldest one
in the book.

I mean, that is a real cliche.
It's what my parents told me.

It's a cliche 'cause it works.

Now shut the fuck up!

That must be it.

All right.
We'll attack in 30 minutes

at 0200 hours.

You know, 2:00 A.M.

George, I'm gonna
speak frankly.

I'm out of shape and you're old.
We shouldn't be doing this.

Oh come on, we'll be fine.
Really.

I always did beautifully
during maneuvers at the nat...

national guard
in Connecticut, yeah.

Hey look, I understand
your concern

and maybe I'm a little
devil-may-care right now...

Because I'm...

look, there's something
I wanna tell you.

Oh shit, now what?

I found out today that I
have prostate cancer.

- What?
- Stage ii.

George, I'm sorry.
That's terrible.

Yeah.

But something strange happened.

My new doctor is a woman
and after she told me,

she held me to her breasts.

Nice breasts?

Yeah, very nice.

And then...
then we made out.

I mean she's
a hell of a kisser.

I might be dying and falling
in love at the same time.

Uh, I hope it's okay
that I brought that up.

Your cancer? Of course.
I'm your friend.

No no no.
The falling in love part.

Jonathan told me that
leah broke up with you.

( Sighs )

Yeah, it's been rough.

People think that
I don't feel things.

The truth is
is that I feel everything.

And you see I read this quote
on the Internet by Oscar wilde.

Oh, I love Oscar wilde.

"De profundis" is amazing.

Don't bring up that
Oscar wilde crap again.

- I can't take it.
- So when Oscar wilde was in prison...

now I've done some time, which is
probably why I relate so well to him...

he said he had a love
that dare not speak its name.

My problem

is that my love

doesn't even have a name.

Oh yeah, it does.
It's called tranny chaser.

- Do not talk to me that way!
- Get him!

( Grunting )

Cut it out!

Oscar wild morons!

Get up.

George, why exactly
are we attacking at 2:00 A.M.?

Because that's when I'm
supposed to deliver the money.

But how is that
a surprise attack?

Oh God!

Ugh, you're right!
I am a stoned idiot!

I got mono-fixated
on 2:00 A.M.

Aw shit!
We gotta go.

We'll be seven minutes early.

- That is hardly a surprise.
- Well, it'll have to do.

Why you running like that?

It's what we used
to do in Connecticut.

Hey, where's your helmet?

Shit!
I left it in the car.

Fuck it.
What's the game plan?

Go look through that window.
I'll provide cover.

Why do you get
to provide cover?

Because I have cancer.

I cannot believe
you're using that already.

I'm also older.
Just go.

Come on, go!

( Wheezing )

We owned a dungeon for five
years and you can't tie a knot?

You know I'm not
mechanically inclined.

I can't believe you pulled that.
We were having a nice conversation.

- I'm sorry. - You probably don't
even like Oscar wilde, do you?

I love Oscar wilde.

There's two of them.
What should I do?

What'd you say?

I can't hear you.

What?!

Come on!

( Grunts )

Oh shit, check the safety.

( Gurgling )

Oh... oh dear God!

Ray?

You shot me in the head!

I'm so sorry.
It's Howard's fault.

He told me to check the safety.

Oh jeez.

What the fuck is going on?

Throw your flashbang.
Go throw your flashbang.

Why didn't you bring
the money, asshole?

I don't negotiate with
kidnappers or terrorists.

Hey, we're not
al-Qaeda, jerkoff!

We're Americans.
We own a dungeon and we deal drugs.

Really?
What kind of drugs?

Mostly cocaine.
A little ecstasy.

I'd like to try ecstasy.

- Oh, shut up, dukakis!
- Let's kill one of them.

Let's kill this one
from "lord of the rings."

- Oh God, no, I've already been shot!
- Yeah, but it didn't kill you.

I am surprised it didn't
even break the skin.

- George, shut up, please!
- If you're gonna shoot someone, shoot me.

- This is all my fault.
- Okay.

- ( Whimpering )
- - Wait wait wait wait!

Maybe you could just hit me again.
You wanna do that?

You-you liked it before?

No no, nobody's going
to shoot anybody.

I'll get you the money, just give me till...
The afternoon.

Oh no, I don't trust you, old man.
You already screwed me once.

But we are going
to shoot somebody...

unless I get my money!

Are you crying?
Stop!

- ( Crying continues )
- Get him a tissue.

Jonathan, why did your friend
park on the lawn?

- Mom, he's not my friend.
- Is that the money?

- Yeah, - Dad, I'm
really sorry about this.

- I'll pay you back, I promise.
- Shut up! Toss it over.

George, why are you
wearing a helmet?

Ray, what happened
to your forehead?

George shot me
with a rubber bullet.

It was an accident, I swear.
He wasn't wearing his helmet.

What the fuck?
There's hardly anything in here.

- What are you talking about?
- There's $2,000.

That's plenty.
It's all I had in the house safe.

What are you gonna do?
It's broad daylight.

- What's happening?
- Florence, be quiet.

Fuck!
Let's get out of here.

It's new Jersey.
It's too bright.

We can't kill people here.

Is everybody you know
a backstabbing double-crosser?

And I shared my booze with you.
What kind of a person are you?

- Sorry.
- Stop apologizing all the time.

Sorry.

I notice you're
driving a zipcar.

- Is it more convenient
than Avis or Hertz? - Dad!

I just gave them $2,000.
I'm entitled to some information.

Kidnapper: Let's go.

New Jersey sucks!

Well, that's just rude.

Jonathan:
This is me

and this is my collection of
the original 26 tarzan novels.

I didn't know you had
"The Avengers" Korvac saga.

- Yeah, you can borrow
them if you like. - Nah.

Hey, I just really wanna thank you
guys for coming to my rescue.

And, George, if there's
anything you need,

we're here for you.

I know.
Thank you.

And, George, I don't like to
talk on the phone that much,

- but, uh, you can call me anytime.
- Okay.

- I won't pick up, but you can
leave me a message. - Okay.

Florence:
The eggs are ready!

I also have whitefish!

( Falsetto ) No herring?
No pork chops?

I have herring
just for you, Ray!

- And lox.
- We'll be right down, mom.

This is wonderful.
I'm starving.

Florence:
Ira, wait for the boys!

Ira:
What? I'm hungry.

George:
You know, I like new Jersey.

Is it true they've
legalized marijuana?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

George, you are the greatest
pothead I've ever known.

Thanks, buddy.

♪ falls across your heart ♪

♪ I'll be right here
with you ♪

♪ I'm not afraid
of the dark ♪

♪ I'm not
afraid of the dark ♪

♪ when the sun goes down ♪

♪ and the dreams
grow teeth ♪

♪ and the beasts come out ♪

♪ and cast
their long shadows ♪

♪ every time they start ♪

♪ I'll be right here
with you ♪

♪ I'm not afraid
of the dark ♪

♪ I'm not
afraid of the dark ♪

♪hen the sun goes down ♪

♪ and the dreams
grow teeth ♪

♪ and the beasts
come out ♪

♪ and cast
their long shadows ♪

♪ every time
they start ♪

♪ you can reach for me ♪

♪ I'm not afraid
of the dark. ♪