Bordertown (2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - Borderwall - full transcript
El Coyote, this'll send you back to Mexico.
You're so stupid.
_
Can you smell the flowers?
'Cause it's spring time!
Fart-socks...!
Viva Coyote!
Bud forgot his lunch.
Egg salad?!
Whoa!
Immigrants pour into this country
while an obvious solution
stares us in the face: a border wall.
Why is this not already up?!
Damn it! I'm pissed, America!
Me, too! Uh, where's the
volume on this thing?
Balls smell.
Vodka's cool.
I smoke pot.
I'm a chick.
Why would she go on the air
right after taking a face-down nap?
Bud, shouldn't you be heading out for work?
You don't want to be late.
Why, so I can suffer another
day of insults and "indangnities"?
You know, I was always told
that if I worked for the Man long enough,
eventually I'd become the Man.
Well, I've been working
at that station 20 years.
But I ain't the Man, Steve is.
Even Ernesto is the
boss of his grass thingy.
It's like the Mexican has become the Man,
and I've become the Mexican.
I know what'll cheer you up, Daddy.
Let's play "Shoots and Ladders."
Oh, okay, sweetie.
Get the ladder!
Ernesto, what the hell are you doing now?
Hola, Bud.
Just hanging a flyer for my business.
I've increased my marketing lately.
I'm even using social media.
Hola, Vine. Hola, Vine. Hola, Vine.
That's nothing.
I'm on social media, too.
_
Buckwald, you're late.
Get out there; you're on foot patrol today.
I'm not going on foot patrol.
That gay snake is out there.
Hiss.
Damn it, Buckwald, do your job,
and no more excuses.
I'd demote you, but you're already
the lowest ranking government employee.
If you got demoted
again, you'd reset at the top
and become president.
The only one that's ever happened
to is George W. Bush.
Foot patrol's a waste of time.
Done this for 20
years, never found one foot.
Whoa! Uh-oh.
Quicksand!
Quicksand is so dumb.
What the hell is that?
Oh, my God, an old plane!
It must have been
heading for the sky and got lost.
Holy crow!
Our top story: a crashed smuggler
plane was discovered
in the desert outside of Mexifornia
with $10 million in it.
The discovery was made by
border patrol agent Bud Buckwald.
When phoned for comment, Buckwald
tried to order a pizza.
Oh, Bud, you're a hero.
See what a difference a day makes?
And I'm impressed that
you turned the money in.
All ten million.
Not 9.9, even though no one would
have known the difference.
Oh, our rotted ceiling fell in my bowl.
I'll call it "hero soup."
What are they gonna do with the money?
They're having a town meeting
tonight to decide,
but I'm gonna make sure they
use it to build a border wall.
Dad, a border wall would do nothing
but waste taxpayers' money.
Why would you want to build a bowling ball?
Isn't it more important we
get my hearing checked?
They want
walls to keep out immigrants,
walls around women's ovaries.
The Republican party is so "wally,"
it should change its last name to Cleaver.
I love Bob.
He stands up for the little guy
on a network that costs $50 a month.
It's idiots like Bud who are behind
this whole wall campaign.
I know a wall would be bad,
but at least it would
put Ramirez Landscaping
out of business.
They're so bad, they make Diego Landscaping
look like Martinez Landscaping.
I told that at Leaf-Con... It killed.
Leaf-Con is just an excuse
to go to Vegas by yourself.
Aw, come on, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
honorable Mayor Paulson.
He's one of us.
My brother's his property.
Good evening, citizens of Mexifornia.
Hey, what's that over there?
The floor is now open to
suggestions for how to spend
Mexifornia's $10 million windfall.
We could use the money to
build a badly-needed runway
for our airport.
We could use it to finally pay my people
a fair price for our land.
Ha, kidding.
We don't believe that land can be bought.
So... (bleep) us, I guess.
This money is a test from God,
who wants us to resist temptation!
Just give it to me and this
milky-skinned Laotian boy
and we'll bring it to God.
We play with trains now?
We play with trains later.
Uh, maybe we should find this
drug money's original owner
and return it.
What do you think, fellow citizens?
Looks like it's unanimous.
Your Honor, as the hero
who found all this money,
I think it should go towards
building a border wall!
No! No! No!
A border wall would be a huge mistake!
She's right. As the Robert Frost poem goes,
"Something there is that
doesn't love a wall..."
Oh, I thought someone
was gonna interrupt me.
I don't know the rest.
Build the wall! Border wall!
Border wall!
Uncle Ernesto, people respect you.
You got to speak up.
I came to the U.S. because it is a place
where everyone's voice can
be heard and counted.
Our democratic system
here may not be perfect,
but I'll take it over the corrupt
system I left behind.
I trust this open forum of debate
will result in the right
decision for our town.
So, in conclusion,
Gonzalez Landscaping,
we love you lawn time!
Okay, ignore that!
Look, does any other
Latino want to speak up?
Let's build the wall.
He's the guy from the cover of my novel.
It's unanimous...
Mexifornia will build a border wall!
And DUI manslaughter is no longer a crime!
Oh, come on! That preschool
nap room came out of nowhere!
Yes! I did it! Buckwalds, we're going
to Disneyland's less expensive alternative,
Disneyroom!
This is just Goofy's rape room.
Here he comes! Run!
Damn it!
Citizens of Mexifornia, this
border wall, now complete,
will protect our beloved town
for years to come.
So everybody light up!
Hey, I had to be a Samoan
guy's mattress for that.
Another glorious day with the
wall protecting our country.
This isn't over, Bud. I won't rest
until that wall comes down.
Yeah, Dad. It's destroying the ecosystem.
And Gert's preschool
teacher is stuck in Mexico,
so she's got a sub.
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes
Knees and toes
You're all doing it wrong!
Attention!
Ernesto, what the hell are you doing?
Oh, hey, Bud.
Just breaking in new
recruits for Gonzalez Landscaping.
My marketing push landed me
the contract to maintain the border wall!
Now everyone get in the
truck! 'Cause we goin'...
Lawn-mowin'
That wall is the crowning achievement
of my career.
I bet I get a promotion.
- Buckwald, you're fired.
- What?!
With that wall up, we
don't need you anymore.
So hand in your gun and uniform.
What the hell are you
wearing a Hello Kitty shirt for?
You're not my boss
anymore... I don't have to tell you.
- You're rehired.
- I love Hello Kitty.
She's a kitty and she has a nice greeting.
You're fired.
Bud, you lost your job?
How are we gonna pay our bills?
Don't you worry, Daddy. We gonna be fine.
I still got those pennies
the Goldbergs gave us
for trick-or-treat.
Sanford, you're 24 and able-bodied.
Maybe you could go out and get a job.
Sure. Maybe I could sell drugs.
How would you feel if I were to sell drugs?
He's amazing.
They really think he's their son!
Hey, Bud. I heard about you
being let go at the station.
You know, if you need a job, I
could use some help on my crew.
Because of the border wall,
there's fewer immigrants left to hire.
No way am I working for you.
I'd rather go back to
dancing for my dad's friends!
Bud, take the damn job!
Would I be the
only white guy on your crew?
No, no. We have a Mexican albino.
I'm not an albino. I look this
way because I saw a ghost!
Look, Becky, news cameras.
We're finally going to be heard.
Activists continue to protest the wall,
demanding that...
Oh, God! I swallowed a bee! I'm allergic!
Don't put this on Youtube.
_
God, how humiliating.
I've gone from one Mexican boss to another.
When am I gonna be on
top? Well, in my experience,
you just tell a Mexican
man when you want to be on top.
Just let me watch my
video, you boobed bozo.
Hola!
Welcome to the Gonzalez Landscaping
training video.
So, Julio, are you ready
for your first day at Gonzalez Landscaping?
Sí, Ernesto!
Landscaping can be fun. But remember,
always concentrate when
using dangerous equipment.
So, Julio, have you learned what it takes
to be a Gonzalez Landscaping lawn artist?
Yes! And in an unrelated note,
I hereby absolve Gonzalez Landscaping
of any liabilities.
Everyone, I'd like you all to meet
the newest member of
our team, Bud Buckwald.
Oh, that's not my name.
Bud Buckwald is an
important person in this community.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, Bud.
Why don't you use that leaf blower
to clean up the debris?
I'm good.
Hola, Bud!
You want to come over for a cerveza?
No, I don't want to watch cockroaches
dance around a hat.
Bud, he's your boss now.
Go!
How's your beer?
Uh, good, uh, Mr. Gonzalez.
So...
Okay, fine, I confess!
I've been stealing office supplies!
Bud Buckwald from high school?
You're a gardener now?
Wow. I've never felt so proud about being
a custodian at an adult theater.
Okay, that's lunchtime.
Who's up for a game of air lacrosse?
Come on, Bud, join us!
Ugh, fine.
Sir, we have an unidentified
aircraft approaching the base.
Shoot it down.
No!
That's it! There is no way
I am going back to work for Ernesto!
It's even more
humiliating than working for Steve.
Bud, you can't quit now.
Sorry, but unless you
find another way to make money,
you have no choice.
Now, why don't you go watch
TV and I'll bring you some tea.
And none of you turkeys better bother Daddy
while he's resting, or I'll
whip you with my CB antenna!
Any little girls out there? Come back.
Janice, do you hear Spanish whispering?
You mean now, or when you're
out at bowling night?
What?
Uh, I'm at the store!
My God, I've worked for Mexicans so long
I'm hearing imaginary ones.
Janice, did you hear that?!
What the hell?!
Are you the guy?
Yeah.
I'm the guy.
Gracias, señor.
By the way, you know about the, uh...
Yeah, he's the son we don't talk about.
Hey, Ernesto, I got a message for you!
What is it?
Look up in the sky.
Aw, crap! I filled out the
skywriting form wrong!
It's supposed to say "I quit!"
Is that your social security number?
I got to call everyone in town
and tell them not to look up!
Welcome to America.
You may ruin our country,
but our country will ruin your children.
There you are, Bud.
You've been in the basement all morning.
What are you doing down there?
I'm, uh... making a jazz album.
From now on, no one is allowed
to go down there.
A jazz album?
Isn't jazz why the government
tried to drown New Orleans?
What about work?
Shouldn't you be out cutting
lawns with Ernesto?
I quit. My jazz career is taking off.
Here's some of my early royalties.
I don't like jazz.
Especially when I get it all over my face.
Wait, I'm thinking of adult contemporary.
Hey, Steve.
Good morning, Janice. You look fly.
Is Bud here? He forgot to take home
the crap from his desk.
Steve!
Here's a thousand dollars.
Why don't you just
forget what you saw here?
Where'd you get a thousand dollars?
Here's $2,000 to forget about
that thousand dollars you saw.
And before you ask, here's $3,000.
- What?
- $4,000.
I can do this all day.
Welcome to America.
Here's a list of states
that are cool with you being gay.
The jig is up, Buckwald!
I know what you're up to.
You're running a smuggling tunnel.
Please, Steve! I can't go to jail.
I like to shower on all fours,
and the guys might tease me about that!
I'm not sending you to prison, Buckwald.
Because I want in.
You... you what?
My salary's been cut,
thanks to that damn border wall.
So I'm your new partner.
Fine. It's a deal.
But you should know, my family thinks
I'm making a jazz album down here.
That damn border wall directly bifurcates
the natural habitat
of the Mexifornia Condor,
which is a federally protected species.
The court has to rule in our favor.
All rise.
The Honorable James
Killbirds Borderwall presiding.
- What?
- Sorry, my mistake.
Judge Borderwall is out sick today.
Oh, thank God.
In his place is the Honorable
Jake Glasseshater Nerdstomp.
Ernesto, shouldn't you be at work?
Actually, business isn't so good.
This wall was supposed
to stop the immigrants,
but for some reason,
I'm seeing more immigrants than ever.
New gardeners keep showing
up and undercutting me.
Hola, amigo. What a
great day to be in America.
Ugh, why couldn't
immigration have stopped right after me?
Hey, I just became a true American.
Ernesto, let me tell you how it works.
You spend years working for the Man,
and one day you'll get to
be the Man, too. Like me.
I thought you were
unemployed. And why do you have all that
- money in your car?
- God, you're nosy.
Why don't you go
investigate someone else, Murphy Brown?
In Mexico, that show was
called Fancy Sad Woman.
Mr. Barracuda, as your accountant,
I must inform you that
a new smuggling tunnel
in Mexifornia is
cutting into your revenues.
What? I will not stand for
this. Where is my Beheadsman?
Hi, boss!
I need you to go to Mexifornia
and bring me the guys running that tunnel.
What if it's a lady?
Even if it's a lady.
What if it's a puppy?
If it's a puppy, you can keep it.
Yay! Puppy, puppy!
Don't get your hopes up.
If it's a dog, it's
almost certainly a grown dog.
Well, that's the quittin' fart.
See you Monday.
Not so fast, Buckwald.
Before you go, sweep
out the tunnel entrance.
Since when do you give me orders?
Since you stood behind me
when that bat flew into the tunnel.
I don't like 'em... They're tiny vampires.
You're coming with us.
Is this where the Ninja Turtles live?
Welcome to my monthly criminal
syndicate meeting.
Let us first take a moment
to honor those we've
lost since the last meeting.
He is a big loss.
All right, let's get down to business.
I've discovered interlopers
cutting into our smuggling business.
Normally, these men would be
fed to my hungry croco-tigers.
Humblebrag.
But they manage a tunnel that empties into
a border agent's home...
The last place authorities would look.
It's brilliant.
Brilliant?
The gentleman behind this operation
is here tonight. His name is Steve.
What? No, I founded the tunnel.
- My name is...
- Beheadsman, remove that man.
Okay.
Hey, Buckwald, I got to take
off for a few hours today,
so I hired Kimmy here
to keep an eye on you.
Hi. Are you Bud?
Your dad, Steve, tells
me you like stickers.
Oh, that's it.
This is my business, Steve, not yours.
I'm the Man this time around.
And so now I get to say this to you:
You are fired.
Fine. You're under arrest for operating
an illegal smuggling tunnel.
Oh, yeah? Well, you
turn me in, I'll turn you in.
If you don't give me the (bleep) money,
I'm turning you both in.
Buckwald, we just lost $2.8 million
to a 13-year-old girl, but remember this:
I'm the Man.
This is the way things
are and will always be.
Well, looks like ol' Bud
wound up right
back where he started.
Course, you don't need me tellin' you that.
You wasted your time watchin' it, too.
Well, stay tuned for the 10:00 news.
Uhp, we're not done.
Our top story: Due to
an increase of undocumented
immigrants in Mexifornia,
Mayor Paulson has declared
the border wall ineffective
and called for its immediate destruction.
After hours of talks with my new consultant
and cell mate, Jamarcus Jenkins,
I have come to the conclusion that
the world has enough walls,
and that this bitch here, this
bitch is all Jamarcus's.
He runs this bitch.
Well, Bud, I'm sorry your border
wall didn't work out.
Yeah, I just wanted to be the Man for once.
Well, you'll always be my man.
And look on the bright side.
Your album reached the
top of the jazz charts
You sold seven copies.
The lucrative contract
to tear down the wall
has been awarded to Gonzalez Landscaping.
- What?
- Yay.
The Gonzalezes are going to Hawaii.
Okay, not until season
three. What can we do?
The Gonzalezes are solving
a double murder with the help of Bones!
You're so stupid.
_
Can you smell the flowers?
'Cause it's spring time!
Fart-socks...!
Viva Coyote!
Bud forgot his lunch.
Egg salad?!
Whoa!
Immigrants pour into this country
while an obvious solution
stares us in the face: a border wall.
Why is this not already up?!
Damn it! I'm pissed, America!
Me, too! Uh, where's the
volume on this thing?
Balls smell.
Vodka's cool.
I smoke pot.
I'm a chick.
Why would she go on the air
right after taking a face-down nap?
Bud, shouldn't you be heading out for work?
You don't want to be late.
Why, so I can suffer another
day of insults and "indangnities"?
You know, I was always told
that if I worked for the Man long enough,
eventually I'd become the Man.
Well, I've been working
at that station 20 years.
But I ain't the Man, Steve is.
Even Ernesto is the
boss of his grass thingy.
It's like the Mexican has become the Man,
and I've become the Mexican.
I know what'll cheer you up, Daddy.
Let's play "Shoots and Ladders."
Oh, okay, sweetie.
Get the ladder!
Ernesto, what the hell are you doing now?
Hola, Bud.
Just hanging a flyer for my business.
I've increased my marketing lately.
I'm even using social media.
Hola, Vine. Hola, Vine. Hola, Vine.
That's nothing.
I'm on social media, too.
_
Buckwald, you're late.
Get out there; you're on foot patrol today.
I'm not going on foot patrol.
That gay snake is out there.
Hiss.
Damn it, Buckwald, do your job,
and no more excuses.
I'd demote you, but you're already
the lowest ranking government employee.
If you got demoted
again, you'd reset at the top
and become president.
The only one that's ever happened
to is George W. Bush.
Foot patrol's a waste of time.
Done this for 20
years, never found one foot.
Whoa! Uh-oh.
Quicksand!
Quicksand is so dumb.
What the hell is that?
Oh, my God, an old plane!
It must have been
heading for the sky and got lost.
Holy crow!
Our top story: a crashed smuggler
plane was discovered
in the desert outside of Mexifornia
with $10 million in it.
The discovery was made by
border patrol agent Bud Buckwald.
When phoned for comment, Buckwald
tried to order a pizza.
Oh, Bud, you're a hero.
See what a difference a day makes?
And I'm impressed that
you turned the money in.
All ten million.
Not 9.9, even though no one would
have known the difference.
Oh, our rotted ceiling fell in my bowl.
I'll call it "hero soup."
What are they gonna do with the money?
They're having a town meeting
tonight to decide,
but I'm gonna make sure they
use it to build a border wall.
Dad, a border wall would do nothing
but waste taxpayers' money.
Why would you want to build a bowling ball?
Isn't it more important we
get my hearing checked?
They want
walls to keep out immigrants,
walls around women's ovaries.
The Republican party is so "wally,"
it should change its last name to Cleaver.
I love Bob.
He stands up for the little guy
on a network that costs $50 a month.
It's idiots like Bud who are behind
this whole wall campaign.
I know a wall would be bad,
but at least it would
put Ramirez Landscaping
out of business.
They're so bad, they make Diego Landscaping
look like Martinez Landscaping.
I told that at Leaf-Con... It killed.
Leaf-Con is just an excuse
to go to Vegas by yourself.
Aw, come on, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
honorable Mayor Paulson.
He's one of us.
My brother's his property.
Good evening, citizens of Mexifornia.
Hey, what's that over there?
The floor is now open to
suggestions for how to spend
Mexifornia's $10 million windfall.
We could use the money to
build a badly-needed runway
for our airport.
We could use it to finally pay my people
a fair price for our land.
Ha, kidding.
We don't believe that land can be bought.
So... (bleep) us, I guess.
This money is a test from God,
who wants us to resist temptation!
Just give it to me and this
milky-skinned Laotian boy
and we'll bring it to God.
We play with trains now?
We play with trains later.
Uh, maybe we should find this
drug money's original owner
and return it.
What do you think, fellow citizens?
Looks like it's unanimous.
Your Honor, as the hero
who found all this money,
I think it should go towards
building a border wall!
No! No! No!
A border wall would be a huge mistake!
She's right. As the Robert Frost poem goes,
"Something there is that
doesn't love a wall..."
Oh, I thought someone
was gonna interrupt me.
I don't know the rest.
Build the wall! Border wall!
Border wall!
Uncle Ernesto, people respect you.
You got to speak up.
I came to the U.S. because it is a place
where everyone's voice can
be heard and counted.
Our democratic system
here may not be perfect,
but I'll take it over the corrupt
system I left behind.
I trust this open forum of debate
will result in the right
decision for our town.
So, in conclusion,
Gonzalez Landscaping,
we love you lawn time!
Okay, ignore that!
Look, does any other
Latino want to speak up?
Let's build the wall.
He's the guy from the cover of my novel.
It's unanimous...
Mexifornia will build a border wall!
And DUI manslaughter is no longer a crime!
Oh, come on! That preschool
nap room came out of nowhere!
Yes! I did it! Buckwalds, we're going
to Disneyland's less expensive alternative,
Disneyroom!
This is just Goofy's rape room.
Here he comes! Run!
Damn it!
Citizens of Mexifornia, this
border wall, now complete,
will protect our beloved town
for years to come.
So everybody light up!
Hey, I had to be a Samoan
guy's mattress for that.
Another glorious day with the
wall protecting our country.
This isn't over, Bud. I won't rest
until that wall comes down.
Yeah, Dad. It's destroying the ecosystem.
And Gert's preschool
teacher is stuck in Mexico,
so she's got a sub.
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes
Knees and toes
You're all doing it wrong!
Attention!
Ernesto, what the hell are you doing?
Oh, hey, Bud.
Just breaking in new
recruits for Gonzalez Landscaping.
My marketing push landed me
the contract to maintain the border wall!
Now everyone get in the
truck! 'Cause we goin'...
Lawn-mowin'
That wall is the crowning achievement
of my career.
I bet I get a promotion.
- Buckwald, you're fired.
- What?!
With that wall up, we
don't need you anymore.
So hand in your gun and uniform.
What the hell are you
wearing a Hello Kitty shirt for?
You're not my boss
anymore... I don't have to tell you.
- You're rehired.
- I love Hello Kitty.
She's a kitty and she has a nice greeting.
You're fired.
Bud, you lost your job?
How are we gonna pay our bills?
Don't you worry, Daddy. We gonna be fine.
I still got those pennies
the Goldbergs gave us
for trick-or-treat.
Sanford, you're 24 and able-bodied.
Maybe you could go out and get a job.
Sure. Maybe I could sell drugs.
How would you feel if I were to sell drugs?
He's amazing.
They really think he's their son!
Hey, Bud. I heard about you
being let go at the station.
You know, if you need a job, I
could use some help on my crew.
Because of the border wall,
there's fewer immigrants left to hire.
No way am I working for you.
I'd rather go back to
dancing for my dad's friends!
Bud, take the damn job!
Would I be the
only white guy on your crew?
No, no. We have a Mexican albino.
I'm not an albino. I look this
way because I saw a ghost!
Look, Becky, news cameras.
We're finally going to be heard.
Activists continue to protest the wall,
demanding that...
Oh, God! I swallowed a bee! I'm allergic!
Don't put this on Youtube.
_
God, how humiliating.
I've gone from one Mexican boss to another.
When am I gonna be on
top? Well, in my experience,
you just tell a Mexican
man when you want to be on top.
Just let me watch my
video, you boobed bozo.
Hola!
Welcome to the Gonzalez Landscaping
training video.
So, Julio, are you ready
for your first day at Gonzalez Landscaping?
Sí, Ernesto!
Landscaping can be fun. But remember,
always concentrate when
using dangerous equipment.
So, Julio, have you learned what it takes
to be a Gonzalez Landscaping lawn artist?
Yes! And in an unrelated note,
I hereby absolve Gonzalez Landscaping
of any liabilities.
Everyone, I'd like you all to meet
the newest member of
our team, Bud Buckwald.
Oh, that's not my name.
Bud Buckwald is an
important person in this community.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, Bud.
Why don't you use that leaf blower
to clean up the debris?
I'm good.
Hola, Bud!
You want to come over for a cerveza?
No, I don't want to watch cockroaches
dance around a hat.
Bud, he's your boss now.
Go!
How's your beer?
Uh, good, uh, Mr. Gonzalez.
So...
Okay, fine, I confess!
I've been stealing office supplies!
Bud Buckwald from high school?
You're a gardener now?
Wow. I've never felt so proud about being
a custodian at an adult theater.
Okay, that's lunchtime.
Who's up for a game of air lacrosse?
Come on, Bud, join us!
Ugh, fine.
Sir, we have an unidentified
aircraft approaching the base.
Shoot it down.
No!
That's it! There is no way
I am going back to work for Ernesto!
It's even more
humiliating than working for Steve.
Bud, you can't quit now.
Sorry, but unless you
find another way to make money,
you have no choice.
Now, why don't you go watch
TV and I'll bring you some tea.
And none of you turkeys better bother Daddy
while he's resting, or I'll
whip you with my CB antenna!
Any little girls out there? Come back.
Janice, do you hear Spanish whispering?
You mean now, or when you're
out at bowling night?
What?
Uh, I'm at the store!
My God, I've worked for Mexicans so long
I'm hearing imaginary ones.
Janice, did you hear that?!
What the hell?!
Are you the guy?
Yeah.
I'm the guy.
Gracias, señor.
By the way, you know about the, uh...
Yeah, he's the son we don't talk about.
Hey, Ernesto, I got a message for you!
What is it?
Look up in the sky.
Aw, crap! I filled out the
skywriting form wrong!
It's supposed to say "I quit!"
Is that your social security number?
I got to call everyone in town
and tell them not to look up!
Welcome to America.
You may ruin our country,
but our country will ruin your children.
There you are, Bud.
You've been in the basement all morning.
What are you doing down there?
I'm, uh... making a jazz album.
From now on, no one is allowed
to go down there.
A jazz album?
Isn't jazz why the government
tried to drown New Orleans?
What about work?
Shouldn't you be out cutting
lawns with Ernesto?
I quit. My jazz career is taking off.
Here's some of my early royalties.
I don't like jazz.
Especially when I get it all over my face.
Wait, I'm thinking of adult contemporary.
Hey, Steve.
Good morning, Janice. You look fly.
Is Bud here? He forgot to take home
the crap from his desk.
Steve!
Here's a thousand dollars.
Why don't you just
forget what you saw here?
Where'd you get a thousand dollars?
Here's $2,000 to forget about
that thousand dollars you saw.
And before you ask, here's $3,000.
- What?
- $4,000.
I can do this all day.
Welcome to America.
Here's a list of states
that are cool with you being gay.
The jig is up, Buckwald!
I know what you're up to.
You're running a smuggling tunnel.
Please, Steve! I can't go to jail.
I like to shower on all fours,
and the guys might tease me about that!
I'm not sending you to prison, Buckwald.
Because I want in.
You... you what?
My salary's been cut,
thanks to that damn border wall.
So I'm your new partner.
Fine. It's a deal.
But you should know, my family thinks
I'm making a jazz album down here.
That damn border wall directly bifurcates
the natural habitat
of the Mexifornia Condor,
which is a federally protected species.
The court has to rule in our favor.
All rise.
The Honorable James
Killbirds Borderwall presiding.
- What?
- Sorry, my mistake.
Judge Borderwall is out sick today.
Oh, thank God.
In his place is the Honorable
Jake Glasseshater Nerdstomp.
Ernesto, shouldn't you be at work?
Actually, business isn't so good.
This wall was supposed
to stop the immigrants,
but for some reason,
I'm seeing more immigrants than ever.
New gardeners keep showing
up and undercutting me.
Hola, amigo. What a
great day to be in America.
Ugh, why couldn't
immigration have stopped right after me?
Hey, I just became a true American.
Ernesto, let me tell you how it works.
You spend years working for the Man,
and one day you'll get to
be the Man, too. Like me.
I thought you were
unemployed. And why do you have all that
- money in your car?
- God, you're nosy.
Why don't you go
investigate someone else, Murphy Brown?
In Mexico, that show was
called Fancy Sad Woman.
Mr. Barracuda, as your accountant,
I must inform you that
a new smuggling tunnel
in Mexifornia is
cutting into your revenues.
What? I will not stand for
this. Where is my Beheadsman?
Hi, boss!
I need you to go to Mexifornia
and bring me the guys running that tunnel.
What if it's a lady?
Even if it's a lady.
What if it's a puppy?
If it's a puppy, you can keep it.
Yay! Puppy, puppy!
Don't get your hopes up.
If it's a dog, it's
almost certainly a grown dog.
Well, that's the quittin' fart.
See you Monday.
Not so fast, Buckwald.
Before you go, sweep
out the tunnel entrance.
Since when do you give me orders?
Since you stood behind me
when that bat flew into the tunnel.
I don't like 'em... They're tiny vampires.
You're coming with us.
Is this where the Ninja Turtles live?
Welcome to my monthly criminal
syndicate meeting.
Let us first take a moment
to honor those we've
lost since the last meeting.
He is a big loss.
All right, let's get down to business.
I've discovered interlopers
cutting into our smuggling business.
Normally, these men would be
fed to my hungry croco-tigers.
Humblebrag.
But they manage a tunnel that empties into
a border agent's home...
The last place authorities would look.
It's brilliant.
Brilliant?
The gentleman behind this operation
is here tonight. His name is Steve.
What? No, I founded the tunnel.
- My name is...
- Beheadsman, remove that man.
Okay.
Hey, Buckwald, I got to take
off for a few hours today,
so I hired Kimmy here
to keep an eye on you.
Hi. Are you Bud?
Your dad, Steve, tells
me you like stickers.
Oh, that's it.
This is my business, Steve, not yours.
I'm the Man this time around.
And so now I get to say this to you:
You are fired.
Fine. You're under arrest for operating
an illegal smuggling tunnel.
Oh, yeah? Well, you
turn me in, I'll turn you in.
If you don't give me the (bleep) money,
I'm turning you both in.
Buckwald, we just lost $2.8 million
to a 13-year-old girl, but remember this:
I'm the Man.
This is the way things
are and will always be.
Well, looks like ol' Bud
wound up right
back where he started.
Course, you don't need me tellin' you that.
You wasted your time watchin' it, too.
Well, stay tuned for the 10:00 news.
Uhp, we're not done.
Our top story: Due to
an increase of undocumented
immigrants in Mexifornia,
Mayor Paulson has declared
the border wall ineffective
and called for its immediate destruction.
After hours of talks with my new consultant
and cell mate, Jamarcus Jenkins,
I have come to the conclusion that
the world has enough walls,
and that this bitch here, this
bitch is all Jamarcus's.
He runs this bitch.
Well, Bud, I'm sorry your border
wall didn't work out.
Yeah, I just wanted to be the Man for once.
Well, you'll always be my man.
And look on the bright side.
Your album reached the
top of the jazz charts
You sold seven copies.
The lucrative contract
to tear down the wall
has been awarded to Gonzalez Landscaping.
- What?
- Yay.
The Gonzalezes are going to Hawaii.
Okay, not until season
three. What can we do?
The Gonzalezes are solving
a double murder with the help of Bones!