Bordertown (2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Engagement - full transcript
Bud Buckwald is not happy that his daughter Becky is engaged to Ernsto Gonzalez's nephew J.C., while an anti-immigration law is passed that leads to J.C.'s deportation.
Hola, Becky.
Oh, Mr. Gonzalez, I'm so excited J.C.
is coming home from college.
I'd bake a cake if that didn't
reinforce gender roles
and prop up Big Gluten.
Oh, the hell with it!
Ernesto, don't talk to her!
She's the daughter of La Migra!
Oh, come on, Papi... I like Bud.
Don't hate him for just doing his job.
That'd be like the grass
hating me for doing mine.
_
_
And now, the
Mexifornia Channel Two News.
Good evening, I'm Carlos Sanchez.
Our top story. The controversial
new anti-immigration law,
Prop 7010, comes to a
vote in Mexifornia this week.
If passed, the "Show Me Your Papers" law
would be the toughest in the nation.
It's about time we did something
about immigration.
The Southwest belongs
to retired art teachers
and meth lab entrepreneurs.
I wish I had the courage
to start my own company.
Buckwald?
Keep your eyes peeled.
Our Most Wanted human smuggler, El Coyote,
has been sighted in the vicinity.
Don't worry, he ain't getting
by me this time.
What a beautiful day.
Right, bird suspended in the sky?
Sí, Señor Bud.
You're my lucky bird.
No immigrants cross when you're around.
What in Custer's beard?!
Adios!
You bastard!
_
You did good today, Bud.
Thank you.
Hola, Bud!
Ernesto, what the hell
kind of crazy holiday
are you decorating for now?
No holiday. My nephew J.C.
is coming home from college.
Oh, dear God, that egghead is back?
There is nothing worse than
a Mexican with glasses.
He's a great guy.
Sanford?
Finish your energy drink
and come to dinner.
Damn it, Sanford, if
you're gonna live under my roof
at age 24, don't leave your car
in the driveway!
You found it!
How was your day, Bud?
Perhaps it would be comparatively better
if I put the soup pot over my head
and hit it with a hammer.
Ah, best I've felt all day.
But that new immigration law,
that's gonna fix things!
Dad, how can you support that horrible law?
If you get rid of all the
immigrants, who's next?
Let's cross that gay bridge
when we come to it, huh?
Oh, your father's just upset because a lot
of our immigrant neighbors
are doing better than us.
He told me so in private.
I didn't want to say anything,
but my lips just started moving,
and I couldn't seem to stop them.
See, they're still going now!
Dad, who cares if immigrants
are doing better than us?
They work hard.
They deserve it.
I care! I used to be someone in this town.
My dad owned the biggest
flower shop on the strip,
right across from the freeway.
All you had to do was pull off the exit,
Park your car, buy some flowers.
Couldn't get more convenient.
And then Alejandro changed the game.
Welcome, Buckwalds!
So glad you could join us.
Aw, crap! Who invited
the rednecks from next door?
We ain't rednecks! Would rednecks have
a five-year-old beauty pageant star?
Show them, Gert.
You ready, Sparkles?
That a girl, Gert. Now go hit the trough.
My beautiful angel.
One day you're gonna be
on the cover of the Internet.
Help yourself to some food.
We got tacos, burritos, quesadillas...
I don't want any of that crap!
I'll catch my own food.
Everybody, Bud made duck tacos!
Damn it, I don't know
why you got to drag me here.
Damn it, Pepito!
I need some water!
There he is!
How about a tip, pal?
My tip for you is this.
Look at me. I'm no better than you.
Don't ever forget it.
It's the working class that keeps
Spaceship Earth running.
I used to be president of Estonia.
Juan Carlos! Welcome home, mijo!
Oh, we're all so proud of you, honey!
I've been keeping track of
all of your accomplishments.
- Becky!
- Aah! J.C.!
I'm so happy you're home!
I missed you so much.
I didn't have anyone to
roll my eyes at things with.
Oh, I missed you, too.
And someone else missed you.
Hi, Mr. Retainer.
I promise to keep Becky from
biting down too hard.
I've been looking forward to this moment.
Because I want to make good on a promise
I made to you before I left for school.
Uh, what are you saying?
Becky, will you marry me?
Oh my God, J.C.! Yes!
Yes, I will!
I've never been so
happy to be heteronormative!
Oh, this means I have to
tell my dad about us.
Look, Becky, your father can't cling
to his outdated views forever.
We're in a post-racial era.
He's going to have to accept
that the world has changed.
Look, maybe there's hope.
He's finger-painting with the kids.
_
Mommy says if I'm good,
she'll take me to your funeral someday.
Oh, Janice, I'm so thrilled
J.C. and Becky are getting married!
Uh, have you told Bud, yet?
No, we're telling him tonight at dinner.
J.C., I think it's great you and Becky
are getting married.
But you'll have a wife to support.
Any leads on a job?
How can I get a job when monsters are
trying to pass this immigration law?
You're right, that's unfair of me.
You should wait until all the problems
of the world are solved.
Thank you, that's all I'm asking.
Well, I for one,
commend Mexifornia
for trying to do something
about immigration.
It's about time this country
stood up to defend its sovereignty.
Here for the liberal point of view
is a four-year-old girl.
I think people should be nice.
Shut up!
You're scaring me!
You should be scared of Mexicans!
Amen, brother.
Angry yelling is the voice of reason.
Oh, hey, Bud.
Oh, hey, Bryce.
Hey, why-why you walking like that?
This?
- Aliens.
- You got abducted again?
Those guys think they
can just show up drunk
any time they want and
get a cheap anal probe.
Well, not anymore.
All they care about is my anus.
How about probing me about my day?
We interrupt this show
for the following breaking news.
The voting results are in,
and Prop 7010...
Mexifornia's landmark
anti-immigration bill...
has passed by a narrow margin.
- Yes!
- No!
We now go live to a policeman
here to escort me from my job.
Sweet Nixon's nuts! We did it!
Oh, no! Not this time!
Don't even think about it!
You turn that ship
right around and get lost!
Aah! No!
I'm blowing my probe whistle!
I'm not saying the new
Mexifornia law is racist,
but Rosa Parks just moved
to the back of her grave.
Look! Our town is a national laughingstock!
This immigration law fight
isn't over. I'm so mad!
If I believed in making fists,
I'd make one right now.
Oh! You sounded like Danny Trejo just now.
Really? Call me Machete.
Take me, you pock-faced vigilante!
Oh, my God! My dad's home!
Hello, darling family!
Mwah!
Ooh!
Hands off!
I'm not some Hooters waitress
trying to walk to her car!
Well, I'm glad you're
in a good mood, honey.
Because we've got some exciting news!
Oh, I already heard it!
The immigration law passed!
Janice, bust out the least-expired meat,
'cause we're celebrating!
That's a terrible law!
You can't treat people like criminals
based on the color of their skin.
Janice, why is that egghead in our house?
He better be here to translate La Bamba.
I know "La" means "plane crash,"
but the rest is a mystery.
You know, at college I missed talking
to people who never went to college.
J.C., please don't argue with my dad!
Not tonight!
You was at college, huh?
Let me guess... Brown?
Pig gets it.
I don't know why I even came back
to a town that would pass a law
that marginalizes immigrants.
This country was founded by immigrants!
Every family in America
has an immigration story.
Including yours!
That law is progress!
Those immigrants have been taking
jobs away from Americans!
Why should Mexican kids get
all the glory of dying in our wars?
You know what that law is? The last gasp
of small-minded, ignorant people
like yourself.
Somebody please change the subject!
Um, did you hear?
What's happening, macho man?
When Bud found out J.C.
is engaged to Becky,
they almost got into a fight.
J.C. passed out, so Becky carried him home.
Where's my sweater and glasses?
I'm J.C.
My four-year-old nephew
makes more than I do
by losing one tooth a year!
Becky, sweetheart, you can't get married.
You're too young.
You told me my time is running out,
and I should trick a guy
into getting me pregnant.
You even gave me a tack to
poke holes in the condoms.
_
But I always thought you
was gonna marry Darryl Muncie.
You two was meant for each other.
Darryl from the inbred family
across the street?
Oh, come on! They're not inbred.
Hi, Becky!
Don't give up.
Oh, hey, Bryce.
Why are you chained to the station?
This? Oh, I tried to break
things off with the aliens.
But it didn't go so good.
So, uh, now I'm doing this.
Hey, I heard your head exploded.
- Nah, that was just a joke.
- Oh.
Well, I'm trying to get my daughter
to break things off with an alien, too.
I'm gonna find some stuff
in the confiscation locker to plant on him.
I like how we're both doing things.
Heh, ain't we a couple of modern women?
All right, let's check the inventory.
No. No. No.
Oh, hey! Look who's here!
Aw, too bad. No.
Guess I can't go nowhere.
Nice try, though.
No, no. Ah, joke's on you!
I wiped absentmindedly!
Crap.
Well, I wonder who that could be.
Hi, Darryl.
Hi, Becky!
I got you something!
Oh, a doll.
How sweet.
That's my little brother.
He didn't make it.
Dad, I know what you're trying to do.
And it's not gonna work.
I've made up my mind.
I'm marrying J.C.
Becky, I'm your father.
And as long as you're living in my house,
you'll live by my rules!
And I forbid you from marrying J.C.!
And pointing out the plot holes in NCIS!
You "forbid" it?
Well, then I guess
that leaves me no choice.
I'm moving out!
And the Navy doesn't
investigate those sorts of crimes!
Shut up!
Uno... cien.
Dos cien.
Hola, Bud!
Yeah, listen, Ernesto.
I want you to tell your nephew
to back off with my daughter.
Bud, why would I do that?
They're happy together.
They've been going out for four years.
What?! You knew about this?
Sure, everyone did.
This is them at prom.
This is them boycotting prom.
This is them trying to change
the word boycotting
to girl-cotting.
Look, I know what J.C. is after.
But let me assure you, he will
never gain access to my fortune.
I have taken great
precautions to ensure that.
Bud, our dollar bill
flew out the window!
Damn it! Who opened the toilet tank?!
I just wanted to count it!
Bud?
The world is changing,
and you may not like it,
but change can be good.
Oh, J.C., I'm gonna split you like a log!
What do you mean?
You know what I mean!
Yeah, good for others maybe, not me.
I just don't know where a guy
like me fits in anymore.
There will always be a place
for you in this country.
Right here with this family.
And that's why you have to
let Becky follow her heart.
If you don't, you could
lose your daughter forever.
Oh, all right.
Mom? Dad?
Will one of you read me a bedtime tabloid?
Sure, Gert.
"One day Zach Galifianakis
went to the beach without a beach body."
_
Son of a bitch!
I told you I'm not interested!
How dare you?!
_
Liar!
Oye, Jose, is that you?
Yeah!
Mira, check out my new belt buckle!
I would, but I can't see
around my belt buckle!
You guys talking belt buckles?
Hola, Bud!
I'm here to tell Becky
I'm okay with her marrying J.C.
And maybe one day giving
me half-Mexican grandkids...
Oh, my God! That didn't even
occur to me till this moment!
Sorry, Becky and J.C. went out.
I know because no one yelled "murderer"
when I threw a plastic bottle in the trash.
Ernesto, I just got a call from J.C.
He and Becky went to the courthouse
to elope!
What?!
Becky, thank you for having
the courage to go through with this
despite your father's disapproval.
You're an inspiration.
When they make a movie about you,
Jonah Hill will finally win that Oscar.
I want you to put a baby in me
so I can fight for the right
to legally abort it!
Can I help you, Officer?
I know I wasn't speeding.
As a rule, I like to take the speed limit,
divide it in half, and add five.
That's my personal vehicular
safety algorithm.
"Doesn't speak English."
You know, the new law
Prop 7010 requires immigrants
to carry their citizenship
papers at all times.
Can I see yours?
I'm not an immigrant! I was born here!
If you were born here, who won
the WNBA championship last year?
The Phoenix Mercury.
No American would know that.
You're coming with me.
And so, in accordance
with Mexifornia's new immigration law,
my beloved was taken in for processing.
And formally deported.
Light the Deportation Cannon!
But I'm legal!
All right, sign family, you're next.
Help! Get this damn Rottweiler off me!
I can't believe Becky
would run off to marry
that egghead without telling us!
Look at Ernesto over there.
Oh, he just loves this.
I bet he's the one who put them up to it!
Mi esposa!
¿Con mi robot? Ay, ay, ay!
Oh, Mini Pelé!
Hola, Bud!
I heard your people put a serious midget
on Game of Thrones.
Becky!
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mrs. Benicio Del Taco!
You'll be happy to hear
we didn't get married.
Because that horrible immigration law
just got J.C. deported!
Oh, my God, poor Becky!
Bud, you need to do something about this!
J.C. should not have been deported.
You need to make this right.
Oh, she'll get over that guy.
All right, fine.
I'll go talk to her.
J.C.!
I need your help.
J.C. got deported.
We got to go to Mexico to find him.
Hijole, let's go!
Wow, that was cool! I'm gonna do that!
Did it look cool?
Look, Bud, I'm all for law and order,
but that law is wrong.
The only crime J.C. ever committed
was falling in love
and spending thousands of dollars
of my money
on a useless degree.
Oh, look, I'm driving 200 miles per hour.
How did that happen?
Oh, God!
Es la Virgen de Guadalupe!
En mi tortilla!
Oh, come on!
The Virgin Mary is not in your tortilla!
Stop doing this!
It only reinforces a
negative cultural stereotype!
I like Mexican food.
You got a problem with that?
That's for not believing in me, pocho!
Boom, you just got male pattern baldness!
God, these people have no idea
what it's like to have foreigners
ruin their country.
Spring break!
I'm not paying for that.
J.C.
Uncle Ernesto?
Oh, am I glad to see you!
What's he doing here?
Monsters like him passed the
law that got me deported!
Well, you wouldn't have gotten deported
if you hadn't come to my country
in the first place.
I was born in America!
Oh, yeah? Then why were you deported?
Check. Mix.
Come on, we're here to take you home.
Oh, God, a snake!
Let's go, college boy.
Oh, God, a hawk!
Oh, crap, Steve is on duty! If I'm caught
smuggling in a deportee, I'll lose my job!
I'll handle Steve.
Bud, you better get in the trunk with J.C.
What?!
I ain't getting in the trunk
with that windbag!
Ooh, the Cannon!
At least I'm free from my wife!
Get back here and raise our child!
Hola, Steve. ¿Cómo estás?
I speak English, Mr. Gonzalez.
I'm an American.
How are your parents,
Francisco and Consuelo?
Frank and Connie are fine!
Wait a minute.
Is something in your trunk?
Why are you eating Kale chips?
Isn't spooning with another man
gay enough for you?
Turn the car off and pop the trunk!
I'm gonna have to inspect your vehicle.
What the hell?
You bastards!
Yes!
Well, we did it.
It's good to be back in our border town.
Don't say the name of the show.
J.C.!
Put me down!
Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
Thank you, Daddy.
Well, you're my little girl.
I want you to be happy.
You know, I thought it over.
And you were right.
We don't need to get married right now.
She's right, Mr. Buckwald.
How can we get married before
we rename the country
the United States of Indigenous Rape?
I take comfort knowing
you'll probably be pulled over
and deported again tomorrow.
Thank you, Bud.
I know Becky will never forget
what you did for her.
I'm proud of you.
And I think you deserve
a very special reward.
Janice, I've already been
in one hellhole tonight.
Hey, Bud, thanks again for helping
me get my nephew back.
As a token of my appreciation,
I wanted you to have this.
Oh, no! The hawk's family!
Help! They're taking me back to Mexico!
Oh, Mr. Gonzalez, I'm so excited J.C.
is coming home from college.
I'd bake a cake if that didn't
reinforce gender roles
and prop up Big Gluten.
Oh, the hell with it!
Ernesto, don't talk to her!
She's the daughter of La Migra!
Oh, come on, Papi... I like Bud.
Don't hate him for just doing his job.
That'd be like the grass
hating me for doing mine.
_
_
And now, the
Mexifornia Channel Two News.
Good evening, I'm Carlos Sanchez.
Our top story. The controversial
new anti-immigration law,
Prop 7010, comes to a
vote in Mexifornia this week.
If passed, the "Show Me Your Papers" law
would be the toughest in the nation.
It's about time we did something
about immigration.
The Southwest belongs
to retired art teachers
and meth lab entrepreneurs.
I wish I had the courage
to start my own company.
Buckwald?
Keep your eyes peeled.
Our Most Wanted human smuggler, El Coyote,
has been sighted in the vicinity.
Don't worry, he ain't getting
by me this time.
What a beautiful day.
Right, bird suspended in the sky?
Sí, Señor Bud.
You're my lucky bird.
No immigrants cross when you're around.
What in Custer's beard?!
Adios!
You bastard!
_
You did good today, Bud.
Thank you.
Hola, Bud!
Ernesto, what the hell
kind of crazy holiday
are you decorating for now?
No holiday. My nephew J.C.
is coming home from college.
Oh, dear God, that egghead is back?
There is nothing worse than
a Mexican with glasses.
He's a great guy.
Sanford?
Finish your energy drink
and come to dinner.
Damn it, Sanford, if
you're gonna live under my roof
at age 24, don't leave your car
in the driveway!
You found it!
How was your day, Bud?
Perhaps it would be comparatively better
if I put the soup pot over my head
and hit it with a hammer.
Ah, best I've felt all day.
But that new immigration law,
that's gonna fix things!
Dad, how can you support that horrible law?
If you get rid of all the
immigrants, who's next?
Let's cross that gay bridge
when we come to it, huh?
Oh, your father's just upset because a lot
of our immigrant neighbors
are doing better than us.
He told me so in private.
I didn't want to say anything,
but my lips just started moving,
and I couldn't seem to stop them.
See, they're still going now!
Dad, who cares if immigrants
are doing better than us?
They work hard.
They deserve it.
I care! I used to be someone in this town.
My dad owned the biggest
flower shop on the strip,
right across from the freeway.
All you had to do was pull off the exit,
Park your car, buy some flowers.
Couldn't get more convenient.
And then Alejandro changed the game.
Welcome, Buckwalds!
So glad you could join us.
Aw, crap! Who invited
the rednecks from next door?
We ain't rednecks! Would rednecks have
a five-year-old beauty pageant star?
Show them, Gert.
You ready, Sparkles?
That a girl, Gert. Now go hit the trough.
My beautiful angel.
One day you're gonna be
on the cover of the Internet.
Help yourself to some food.
We got tacos, burritos, quesadillas...
I don't want any of that crap!
I'll catch my own food.
Everybody, Bud made duck tacos!
Damn it, I don't know
why you got to drag me here.
Damn it, Pepito!
I need some water!
There he is!
How about a tip, pal?
My tip for you is this.
Look at me. I'm no better than you.
Don't ever forget it.
It's the working class that keeps
Spaceship Earth running.
I used to be president of Estonia.
Juan Carlos! Welcome home, mijo!
Oh, we're all so proud of you, honey!
I've been keeping track of
all of your accomplishments.
- Becky!
- Aah! J.C.!
I'm so happy you're home!
I missed you so much.
I didn't have anyone to
roll my eyes at things with.
Oh, I missed you, too.
And someone else missed you.
Hi, Mr. Retainer.
I promise to keep Becky from
biting down too hard.
I've been looking forward to this moment.
Because I want to make good on a promise
I made to you before I left for school.
Uh, what are you saying?
Becky, will you marry me?
Oh my God, J.C.! Yes!
Yes, I will!
I've never been so
happy to be heteronormative!
Oh, this means I have to
tell my dad about us.
Look, Becky, your father can't cling
to his outdated views forever.
We're in a post-racial era.
He's going to have to accept
that the world has changed.
Look, maybe there's hope.
He's finger-painting with the kids.
_
Mommy says if I'm good,
she'll take me to your funeral someday.
Oh, Janice, I'm so thrilled
J.C. and Becky are getting married!
Uh, have you told Bud, yet?
No, we're telling him tonight at dinner.
J.C., I think it's great you and Becky
are getting married.
But you'll have a wife to support.
Any leads on a job?
How can I get a job when monsters are
trying to pass this immigration law?
You're right, that's unfair of me.
You should wait until all the problems
of the world are solved.
Thank you, that's all I'm asking.
Well, I for one,
commend Mexifornia
for trying to do something
about immigration.
It's about time this country
stood up to defend its sovereignty.
Here for the liberal point of view
is a four-year-old girl.
I think people should be nice.
Shut up!
You're scaring me!
You should be scared of Mexicans!
Amen, brother.
Angry yelling is the voice of reason.
Oh, hey, Bud.
Oh, hey, Bryce.
Hey, why-why you walking like that?
This?
- Aliens.
- You got abducted again?
Those guys think they
can just show up drunk
any time they want and
get a cheap anal probe.
Well, not anymore.
All they care about is my anus.
How about probing me about my day?
We interrupt this show
for the following breaking news.
The voting results are in,
and Prop 7010...
Mexifornia's landmark
anti-immigration bill...
has passed by a narrow margin.
- Yes!
- No!
We now go live to a policeman
here to escort me from my job.
Sweet Nixon's nuts! We did it!
Oh, no! Not this time!
Don't even think about it!
You turn that ship
right around and get lost!
Aah! No!
I'm blowing my probe whistle!
I'm not saying the new
Mexifornia law is racist,
but Rosa Parks just moved
to the back of her grave.
Look! Our town is a national laughingstock!
This immigration law fight
isn't over. I'm so mad!
If I believed in making fists,
I'd make one right now.
Oh! You sounded like Danny Trejo just now.
Really? Call me Machete.
Take me, you pock-faced vigilante!
Oh, my God! My dad's home!
Hello, darling family!
Mwah!
Ooh!
Hands off!
I'm not some Hooters waitress
trying to walk to her car!
Well, I'm glad you're
in a good mood, honey.
Because we've got some exciting news!
Oh, I already heard it!
The immigration law passed!
Janice, bust out the least-expired meat,
'cause we're celebrating!
That's a terrible law!
You can't treat people like criminals
based on the color of their skin.
Janice, why is that egghead in our house?
He better be here to translate La Bamba.
I know "La" means "plane crash,"
but the rest is a mystery.
You know, at college I missed talking
to people who never went to college.
J.C., please don't argue with my dad!
Not tonight!
You was at college, huh?
Let me guess... Brown?
Pig gets it.
I don't know why I even came back
to a town that would pass a law
that marginalizes immigrants.
This country was founded by immigrants!
Every family in America
has an immigration story.
Including yours!
That law is progress!
Those immigrants have been taking
jobs away from Americans!
Why should Mexican kids get
all the glory of dying in our wars?
You know what that law is? The last gasp
of small-minded, ignorant people
like yourself.
Somebody please change the subject!
Um, did you hear?
What's happening, macho man?
When Bud found out J.C.
is engaged to Becky,
they almost got into a fight.
J.C. passed out, so Becky carried him home.
Where's my sweater and glasses?
I'm J.C.
My four-year-old nephew
makes more than I do
by losing one tooth a year!
Becky, sweetheart, you can't get married.
You're too young.
You told me my time is running out,
and I should trick a guy
into getting me pregnant.
You even gave me a tack to
poke holes in the condoms.
_
But I always thought you
was gonna marry Darryl Muncie.
You two was meant for each other.
Darryl from the inbred family
across the street?
Oh, come on! They're not inbred.
Hi, Becky!
Don't give up.
Oh, hey, Bryce.
Why are you chained to the station?
This? Oh, I tried to break
things off with the aliens.
But it didn't go so good.
So, uh, now I'm doing this.
Hey, I heard your head exploded.
- Nah, that was just a joke.
- Oh.
Well, I'm trying to get my daughter
to break things off with an alien, too.
I'm gonna find some stuff
in the confiscation locker to plant on him.
I like how we're both doing things.
Heh, ain't we a couple of modern women?
All right, let's check the inventory.
No. No. No.
Oh, hey! Look who's here!
Aw, too bad. No.
Guess I can't go nowhere.
Nice try, though.
No, no. Ah, joke's on you!
I wiped absentmindedly!
Crap.
Well, I wonder who that could be.
Hi, Darryl.
Hi, Becky!
I got you something!
Oh, a doll.
How sweet.
That's my little brother.
He didn't make it.
Dad, I know what you're trying to do.
And it's not gonna work.
I've made up my mind.
I'm marrying J.C.
Becky, I'm your father.
And as long as you're living in my house,
you'll live by my rules!
And I forbid you from marrying J.C.!
And pointing out the plot holes in NCIS!
You "forbid" it?
Well, then I guess
that leaves me no choice.
I'm moving out!
And the Navy doesn't
investigate those sorts of crimes!
Shut up!
Uno... cien.
Dos cien.
Hola, Bud!
Yeah, listen, Ernesto.
I want you to tell your nephew
to back off with my daughter.
Bud, why would I do that?
They're happy together.
They've been going out for four years.
What?! You knew about this?
Sure, everyone did.
This is them at prom.
This is them boycotting prom.
This is them trying to change
the word boycotting
to girl-cotting.
Look, I know what J.C. is after.
But let me assure you, he will
never gain access to my fortune.
I have taken great
precautions to ensure that.
Bud, our dollar bill
flew out the window!
Damn it! Who opened the toilet tank?!
I just wanted to count it!
Bud?
The world is changing,
and you may not like it,
but change can be good.
Oh, J.C., I'm gonna split you like a log!
What do you mean?
You know what I mean!
Yeah, good for others maybe, not me.
I just don't know where a guy
like me fits in anymore.
There will always be a place
for you in this country.
Right here with this family.
And that's why you have to
let Becky follow her heart.
If you don't, you could
lose your daughter forever.
Oh, all right.
Mom? Dad?
Will one of you read me a bedtime tabloid?
Sure, Gert.
"One day Zach Galifianakis
went to the beach without a beach body."
_
Son of a bitch!
I told you I'm not interested!
How dare you?!
_
Liar!
Oye, Jose, is that you?
Yeah!
Mira, check out my new belt buckle!
I would, but I can't see
around my belt buckle!
You guys talking belt buckles?
Hola, Bud!
I'm here to tell Becky
I'm okay with her marrying J.C.
And maybe one day giving
me half-Mexican grandkids...
Oh, my God! That didn't even
occur to me till this moment!
Sorry, Becky and J.C. went out.
I know because no one yelled "murderer"
when I threw a plastic bottle in the trash.
Ernesto, I just got a call from J.C.
He and Becky went to the courthouse
to elope!
What?!
Becky, thank you for having
the courage to go through with this
despite your father's disapproval.
You're an inspiration.
When they make a movie about you,
Jonah Hill will finally win that Oscar.
I want you to put a baby in me
so I can fight for the right
to legally abort it!
Can I help you, Officer?
I know I wasn't speeding.
As a rule, I like to take the speed limit,
divide it in half, and add five.
That's my personal vehicular
safety algorithm.
"Doesn't speak English."
You know, the new law
Prop 7010 requires immigrants
to carry their citizenship
papers at all times.
Can I see yours?
I'm not an immigrant! I was born here!
If you were born here, who won
the WNBA championship last year?
The Phoenix Mercury.
No American would know that.
You're coming with me.
And so, in accordance
with Mexifornia's new immigration law,
my beloved was taken in for processing.
And formally deported.
Light the Deportation Cannon!
But I'm legal!
All right, sign family, you're next.
Help! Get this damn Rottweiler off me!
I can't believe Becky
would run off to marry
that egghead without telling us!
Look at Ernesto over there.
Oh, he just loves this.
I bet he's the one who put them up to it!
Mi esposa!
¿Con mi robot? Ay, ay, ay!
Oh, Mini Pelé!
Hola, Bud!
I heard your people put a serious midget
on Game of Thrones.
Becky!
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mrs. Benicio Del Taco!
You'll be happy to hear
we didn't get married.
Because that horrible immigration law
just got J.C. deported!
Oh, my God, poor Becky!
Bud, you need to do something about this!
J.C. should not have been deported.
You need to make this right.
Oh, she'll get over that guy.
All right, fine.
I'll go talk to her.
J.C.!
I need your help.
J.C. got deported.
We got to go to Mexico to find him.
Hijole, let's go!
Wow, that was cool! I'm gonna do that!
Did it look cool?
Look, Bud, I'm all for law and order,
but that law is wrong.
The only crime J.C. ever committed
was falling in love
and spending thousands of dollars
of my money
on a useless degree.
Oh, look, I'm driving 200 miles per hour.
How did that happen?
Oh, God!
Es la Virgen de Guadalupe!
En mi tortilla!
Oh, come on!
The Virgin Mary is not in your tortilla!
Stop doing this!
It only reinforces a
negative cultural stereotype!
I like Mexican food.
You got a problem with that?
That's for not believing in me, pocho!
Boom, you just got male pattern baldness!
God, these people have no idea
what it's like to have foreigners
ruin their country.
Spring break!
I'm not paying for that.
J.C.
Uncle Ernesto?
Oh, am I glad to see you!
What's he doing here?
Monsters like him passed the
law that got me deported!
Well, you wouldn't have gotten deported
if you hadn't come to my country
in the first place.
I was born in America!
Oh, yeah? Then why were you deported?
Check. Mix.
Come on, we're here to take you home.
Oh, God, a snake!
Let's go, college boy.
Oh, God, a hawk!
Oh, crap, Steve is on duty! If I'm caught
smuggling in a deportee, I'll lose my job!
I'll handle Steve.
Bud, you better get in the trunk with J.C.
What?!
I ain't getting in the trunk
with that windbag!
Ooh, the Cannon!
At least I'm free from my wife!
Get back here and raise our child!
Hola, Steve. ¿Cómo estás?
I speak English, Mr. Gonzalez.
I'm an American.
How are your parents,
Francisco and Consuelo?
Frank and Connie are fine!
Wait a minute.
Is something in your trunk?
Why are you eating Kale chips?
Isn't spooning with another man
gay enough for you?
Turn the car off and pop the trunk!
I'm gonna have to inspect your vehicle.
What the hell?
You bastards!
Yes!
Well, we did it.
It's good to be back in our border town.
Don't say the name of the show.
J.C.!
Put me down!
Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
Thank you, Daddy.
Well, you're my little girl.
I want you to be happy.
You know, I thought it over.
And you were right.
We don't need to get married right now.
She's right, Mr. Buckwald.
How can we get married before
we rename the country
the United States of Indigenous Rape?
I take comfort knowing
you'll probably be pulled over
and deported again tomorrow.
Thank you, Bud.
I know Becky will never forget
what you did for her.
I'm proud of you.
And I think you deserve
a very special reward.
Janice, I've already been
in one hellhole tonight.
Hey, Bud, thanks again for helping
me get my nephew back.
As a token of my appreciation,
I wanted you to have this.
Oh, no! The hawk's family!
Help! They're taking me back to Mexico!