Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 12 - The Hurt Soccer - full transcript
The Belchers sign Louise up for a soccer league and must help her train for the last game of the season.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Hey, what would happen if we put
ketchup in the mustard bottles?
Oh, man. I don't even
want to think about it.
Ah! Dad! They're showing a
commercial for the marathon!
ANNOUNCER: Starting at
11:00 a.m., it's an all-out,
body-slammin',
thank you ma'am-in'
ten straight hours of
Supreme Extreme Champions!
- Ten hours is almost not enough.
- All of your favorite obstacles
and the ultimate challenge,
- the Stampede!
- LOUISE AND BOB: The Stampede!
♪ ♪
BOB AND LOUISE: Do the steamroller!
Do the steamroller! Yes!
I mean, if you're gonna
get through the Stampede,
- you got to steamroll.
- Obviously.
That spandex doesn't leave
much to the imagination, huh?
- (phone rings) - No, there's
still a little bit to imagine.
Bob's Burgers. This isn't Bob.
Hi, this is Walter Rubens
from the Gold Dragons.
The Gold Dragons? What is that, a gang?
No, it's-it's your daughter
Louise's soccer team.
Louise has a soccer team?
Oh, God, we signed Louise up for soccer.
You what?!
Hey, look, an e-mail from Harley's dad.
He's asking if Louise would want
to join Harley's soccer team.
Think she would?
I've met Louise, so probably not.
Louise, do you want
to sign up for soccer?!
LOUISE (sarcastically): Yes!
Please sign me up for soccer!
- Oh!
- She's being sarcastic.
Are you being sarcastic?!
- (sarcastically): No!
- Aw, yeah, you're right.
Well, wait, now I'm not so sure. Louise,
do you want to sign up for soccer?!
(sarcastically): Uh-huh!
I guess she wants to do it.
Should we double-triple-check?
No, I-I don't want to yell anymore.
I was being sarcastic.
I'm sorry! It was... I...
We got a-an
e-mail, and I...
Oh! Oh, I didn't realize
you got an e-mail!
I completely forgot it happened at all!
It was during wine time!
Guys, guys, shush, shush, shush.
We really need Louise
to play this morning.
Suzy's on vacation and Michaela's sick
- and Jamie's gerbil died.
- Aw!
It was his time. Anyway,
if Louise doesn't come,
we won't have enough players
and we'll have to forfeit.
- Oh! - And since it's the
last game of the season
and Louise hasn't come to a single one,
this is literally the least you can do.
Last game? She missed the whole season?
- Yes. - Okay. You know
what, Walter, she'll be there.
(gasps)
Louise, come on. Let's get changed.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
- Oh, God.
Okay, she went limp. Come
on, we got a rag doll.
- Let's go. Come on, come on.
- No...
Come on!
... o!
That was not easy.
I know this seems horrible, Louise,
but you did sign up. Sort of.
No, you signed me up,
and now you're bowing to
grown-up peer pressure!
What's next, taking
fish oil? Paying taxes?
Plus, you might not hate
every single second of it?
Yeah, but what about the Supreme
Extreme Champions marathon?
Without that, what's
the point of anything?
We could DVR it. If we had one.
Should we just push a bunch
of buttons on the remote?
That's how I saw 9 1/2 Weeks.
You'll still get to
see some of the marathon
when you're back,
Louise. A-And, besides,
lots of parents make
their kids play sports.
And for a reason.
- I think. Right, Lin?
- P-Probably! Who can say?
Very convincing.
Come on, Louise, you're going.
All right, I'll go.
Who's driving me to this sucker game?
- Your mother will take you.
- Your dad is gonna take you.
I don't want to go.
- I don't want to go either, Bob.
- Thumb war?
BOTH: One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
- Damn it.
- Yes!
So glad I married a
man with dainty thumbs.
They're beautiful, but they're useless.
Well, Louise, I guess let's
go to your soccer game.
How about I come along?
"Great idea, Tina.
Looks like Tina's coming. Yay!"
And I'll stay here,
'cause it sounds like
where you're going is outside.
BOB: Wow, crowded.
Yeah, like "maybe we
won't be able to find
a parking spot" crowded?
Oh, right. If we can't find a spot,
we'd have to go home.
That's not our fault.
- No. Not at all.
- Oh, there's one.
- Ah, wonderful.
- Thanks, Tina.
TEDDY: So, where's Bob today, Lin?
Doctor's appointment? Grocery store?
(gasps) Did you kick him to the curb?
Anything you need, Linda.
I'm here, I'm not leaving.
You say the word, I
move my stuff in here.
Teddy, no. Teddy, Teddy, Teddy!
Bob took Louise to her soccer game,
and Tina went, too, that's all.
Oh, good. What a great dad.
While they're gone, I'm
flying solo with my Gene-o.
Taking a jamma with my mamma.
(gasps) "Jamma with my mamma"?
Oh, my God.
Gene, is today the day we do the...
- What?
- The piano bar.
(gasps) The piano bar!
We said we would do it if your dad
ever left us alone again.
- What are you guys talking about?
- Gene and Linda's Piano Bar
Show Tunes and Mouth Foods.
It's been our dream forever.
BOTH: ♪ Give my regards ♪
♪ To old Broadway ♪
♪ And say that I'll
be there e'er long. ♪
I'll go get my keyboard.
Oh, and get all my dresses and wigs.
But what'll you wear?
Um, hi. Is this the Gold Dragons?
My daughter is, uh, one of them.
Yes. You must be Bob. I'm Walter.
Here's your jersey. It's
been in my car for nine weeks.
It's listened to a lot of NPR.
LOUISE: N-P-U.
Do you have cleats and shin guards?
Uh, we don't have any of those things.
Of course not. (sighs)
I guess, uh, books are
sort of shin-guardy.
If you want, you can
borrow my Grishams.
Oh, good. I don't feel like an orphan
who stumbled onto the field at all.
- Why is that guy looking at me so much?
- Brag.
- So, you coaching today?
- Oh, I forgot to tell you,
- you're coaching today.
- Me? Oh-oh, no.
No, definitely not.
Suzy's dad is normally the coach,
but Suzy's on vacation,
so he's on vacation, too.
Classic Suzy's dad.
And you kind of owe it
to us for being M.I.A.
- the whole season.
- W-W-Wait, sorry.
I can't coach. Can anyone else do it?
Maybe someone who's been here
or knows anything about soccer?
- Like you?
- No. I set up the goals.
Plus... Ow. Ow, ow! My hand.
Uh, Bob, hold the clipboard.
- Bob's coaching.
- What?!
Oh, I see you got the clipboard.
- Congrats, Coach.
- Oh, come on.
I don't know how to coach.
Dad... (echoing Bob)
... you might not hate
every single second of it.
Evil child. All right.
- How bad can it be?
- Coach, will you fix my ponytail?
Uh, I don't know how to...
Coach, something went
wrong with my cleats.
- Can you fix them?
- Coach, I can't be goalie.
I can't touch the ball with my hands.
- Oh, my God.
- Coach, should I live
- with my mom or my dad?
- Help!
Yeah, a little help
over here... look at him.
You're doing great, Dad.
Why is this happening?
There isn't even anything
written on this clipboard.
Hey, Coach, um, aren't you gonna get us
to stretch and do drills and stuff?
Right, uh, why don't you guys, um,
kick the ball back and forth.
Wow, you sure you
haven't done this before?
Dad, I'd like to apply for the
position of assistant coach.
You probably have a
lot of offers, but...
Great, you're hired. Here's a clipboard
- with nothing on it.
- Yes.
- Doesn't matter. Leave it.
- Roger that.
BOB: Oof.
They look good.
This is gonna be bad.
Whoa. I kinda want their autographs.
Hey, there, I'm Christy,
coach of the Blue Dragons.
- Ow, my hand hurts.
- I know.
Uh, wait, the-the Blue
Dragons? We're the Gold Dragons.
Are all the teams just
different colored dragons?
Yep. Or thunders.
Different colored thunders.
There's a Brown Thunder,
which is... unfortunate.
- Yeah. - Look, I just
wanted to wish you good luck.
This is all gonna be
over soon enough. (laughs)
W-Wait, what? What does that mean?
You know, I am glad you're here, Louise.
I wondered why you never
came to practices or games,
and I always wanted
to ask you at school,
but honestly I'm scared
of you, and I did not.
But isn't this just the best, though?
(groans) Yup. Love soccer.
ALL: ♪ Till we meet again. ♪
- (door opens, bells jingle)
- Ms. Merkin, hello.
What are you doing out in the wild?
Hello, Gene. I was
just going for a walk.
Needed to blow off some steam.
I saw your sign. I'll go into any joint
that says "piano" on it.
Gene, you want to introduce us
to your lady friend?
This is Ms. Merkin, the
music teacher from school.
We call her Twerkin' Merkin.
Oh, I didn't recognize you
without a piano covering your legs.
- MERKIN: Where's your piano?
- Right here.
Ugh, that little jingleberry?
You making fart sounds, or
are you really playing it?
- (plays chord and fart)
- Both.
Not bad. Shove over.
(plays jazz riff)
(plays fart)
- Wow. - Yeah!
Whoa, look at you.
Is there a Mr. Merkin?
(whistle blowing)
BOB: Oh, the game's starting.
Louise, go that way.
Other girl, go that way.
Guys, you're all standing in a clump
right next to each other.
It's so different from what
the other team is doing.
- (whistle blows)
- MAN: Come on, play the ball!
- Oh, my God, they scored right away.
- Little slow, Kayla.
Little slow? That was so fast.
Did we start?
That's all right, girls.
Keep hustling!
And have fun out there.
Coach, uh, one thought.
Maybe we should have
someone in goal. I
don't know, just sayin'.
Uh, yeah, yeah. Good idea, Tina.
Hey, someone get in goal. No, just one!
ALL: ♪ By the beautiful sea ♪
What should I play next?
Ooh, how 'bout that show
that's coming to the
community theater...
TSA: The Musical?
- Oh, I love the soundtrack.
- Me, too.
TSA's the best musical about a
government agency ever written!
- I-I don't know that one.
- Really? "Female Pat Down"?
"Whose Bag Is This"?
"If You See Something, Sing Something"?
All right! "Female Pat Down."
Let me see if I can remember.
(muttering)
Wow, you're remembering
the crap out of that song.
ALL: ♪ It takes a lady ♪
♪ To touch a lady ♪
♪ But it takes a woman
to touch my heart ♪
KAYLA (panting): 2-0.
- You guys want a Benadryl?
- What? Why?
'Cause it seems like you're
all allergic to the ball.
Oh, okay. You're, like,
a super cool sports girl
doing trash talk... good job.
I got more where that came from,
- Pink Ears Book Legs.
- (whistle blows)
(grunting)
- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- You can do it, Mara.
No, no, no, no. Aah!
Oh, good try, Mara... with your face.
MARA: Is it... still on?
Yeah, I mean, don't, don't
look at it for a while.
- But it...
- MARA: Ow...
You've probably always had
that soccer ball pattern
on your forehead.
♪ ♪
♪ Parents make their kids
do this for a reason ♪
♪ Parents make their kids
do this for a reason ♪
♪ Is it 'cause they
hate their children? ♪
♪ Parents make their kids
do this for a reason. ♪
ALL: ♪ And that's whose bag it is. ♪
Oh, okay, how 'bout we do something
from a different musical?
Aw, why not keep playing this one?
Everyone loves it.
- Well, I don't love it, okay?!
- (piano clangs)
I don't love it!
- Whoa.
- Why don't you love it,
- Ms. Merkin?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Well, if she doesn't
want to talk about it...
All right, I'll tell you!
I've been playing piano
for the community theater's
production of TSA.
- (gasps) What?!
- What?!
But then the damn lead actress
said I was missing cues
and playing off-tempo.
So I quit, and I'm never going back.
No, Ms. Merkin, we're never going back.
Well, it's my Jo... I
don't... Who is... Who is he?
7-0. Close game.
What's your next move, big man?
(whistle blows)
End of the first quarter.
Okay, so talk to me
about these quarters.
How many more we got? One, zero...
- Three.
- No...
- Yeah.
- Not what I was hoping for.
I know.
Only three more goals
before your team gets shutouted.
Sorry, I don't speak "mean jock girl."
What are you saying?
If the score gets to 10-0,
the game is automatically over,
which is automatically
embarrassing for you.
Wait, like the game would be over over?
Like I could go home?
Yeah, back to the bookstore
that your legs live in.
That's amazing. I mean, oh, no.
Definitely don't want that to happen.
Mm-Kay.
That would be very
disappointing. Thank you.
(quietly): Hey, you hear about
this shutout rule thing?
Yeah. Three more goals,
and we're on our way back
to Supreme Extreme Champions town.
- That's my favorite town.
- I know.
So I guess we just keep
doing what we're doing?
You got it, Coach.
Let's just be a little
discreet about this?
Me be discreet... You be discreet.
- BOB: Yes!
- LOUISE: Yes!
I-I mean, that's all
right. That's all right.
Yeah, we-we'll get
'em. We-We'll get 'em.
Oh no! She stole the ball from me!
Why?!
It's hard to explain, Louise.
Why does anyone steal
the ball from anyone?
Yeah, I just don't
want to lose, you know?
- And go home so soon.
- Hey, Coach.
Really sorry this game
might be over so quickly.
It's just hard to get
my girls to ease up.
(chuckles) It's like telling a shark
not to eat the saddest school of fish.
- That's your team.
- Right.
'Cause if you look at
them, they look really sad.
- Right, right, right, yeah.
- And we're so strong.
Yeah, I know. I got the analogy.
Is there a problem
here? Hey, lady coach,
why don't you go dribble something, huh?
I'm walking away because I want to.
Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.
I can't believe you
quit TSA: The Musical.
What are you gonna do now,
just teach music to kids? Yuck.
Well, they won't have Matilda
Merkin to kick around anymore.
And their dumb CD player won't complain
if they treat it like crap.
I hope it skips.
(gasps) They're doing
the show to a recording?
That's Off-Broadway blasphemy.
Yep. And they're gonna
burn in hell for it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to improvise
a sad song. (humming)
Um, piano bar manager meeting, Gene?
Did I just get promoted to manager?
I'm not ready.
We got to get Ms.
Merkin back in that show.
Guys, I don't want to
crash your manager meeting,
but I was wondering if I could
just shadow Gene, maybe? Sit in?
- Sure, sure.
- But, Mom,
if we don't get her back in the show,
she can live here with us forever.
Piano bar every day and
all night, I'm assuming.
Great managing, Gene.
For the good of musicals everywhere,
we got to make this right.
(groans) Fine.
Uh, excuse me for a second.
Just gonna take the phone
into the kitchen, here, now.
Hey, while you're back there,
any chance I could get a burger?
Oh, yeah, we make food.
Okay, got that out of my system.
Now, who likes Oklahoma!?
- (cheering)
- Ooh, ooh, me!
(grunts, panting)
- Out of my way. -
You got it, K-dog.
Good hustle!
Just have fun out there!
Oh, God, not again.
(shouts)
Yes. I mean...
(groaning): Oh, darn!
That's 9-0.
Stage is set for a comeback.
- MAN: Good hustle!
- Just have fun out there!
I feel like they just
keep saying the same thing
over and over again.
TINA: Hey, sideline, switch it up.
Yeah, you, mom jeans.
Shutouted coach says what?
- What?
- (laughing): Yeah.
Hey, Coach Christy, out of
curiosity, which one's your car?
I'll be right back. Dad,
can I borrow your keys?
- Tina, no.
- (grunting)
Tina, let go.
What are you doing here?
Some lady called the theater
while we were rehearsing
and said you wanted to come back,
so we came because we want you back.
- It was me, I'm the lady.
- Yeah, you are.
What? I never said that.
Matilda, we can't do
the show without you.
We thought putting the
wig on the CD player
would make it better,
but it just made it worse.
I'm not coming back
unless Sheila apologizes.
And I don't see her here, so...
- Oh, I'm here.
- (gasping)
But I'm not apologizing.
Oh, my God, I love the theater.
- (whistle blows)
- Is the game over?
No, it's just halftime.
So, how long is halftime?
If everyone's feeling good,
can we just skip it, or...
You're running for the Porta Potties.
All right, talk to you when you get out.
Well, better start
packing it in, huh, ladies?
I hate getting shutouted.
Me, too.
I want to play the rest of the game.
What? We're getting killed.
- You want to keep going?
- Well, yeah, it's still fun.
I mean, I don't like
when the ball comes to me,
but that's so rare.
Even you, Jodi?
I mean, you look terrified out there.
Mm, I like it. Some people
go on roller coasters,
I sign up for soccer every year.
It makes me feel alive.
I just wish we didn't
get shutouted every game.
W-Wait, you guys get
shutouted every game?
Yeah. I don't even think they
had the rule until this season.
They invented it just for us.
- Halfway through our first game.
- Yeah.
The other name for getting shutouted
is getting Gold Dragon-ed.
Which my dad says is
also something you used to
be able to do in the Philippines
when he was in the Navy,
but I don't know what that means.
It just would've been
nice to score one goal
before the season's over.
Yeah, it would've been, Harley.
Uh, Dad, I can't
believe I'm saying this,
but I don't want to get shutouted.
Really? What about
Supreme Extreme Champions?
And the fact that we both hate this?
Yeah, well, the other
girls want to keep playing,
and I guess it makes me kind of sort of
want to finish the game, too.
Those brave little idiots.
They are brave.
And extremely bad at soccer.
So how do we not get shutouted?
- I have no idea.
- (whistle blows)
Second half starts in one minute.
No paper in there, by the way. Anymore.
Thirty seconds coaches.
- All right, Gold, uh, huddle up.
- What do you got, Coach?
Oh, well, I-I feel like,
uh, a lot of the time,
when a team is behind, the-the
coach is supposed to give
a big speech about leaving
it all on the court.
I mean, the-the grass court.
- What-what is this called?
- "Field," Coach.
Really? "Field"?
- What are we, farmers?
- I think it's "field," Coach.
Right, right, field. Yeah, sorry.
Just sounded weird.
- Anyway...
- (whistle blows)
Oh, wait! Louise, Mara, uh, come back.
I-I just had a-a
coachy thought.
- Little late, huh?
- Shh.
Mara, you're ready to get
out of the goal, right?
Yeah.
Great, how about this: Mara's forward,
Louise, you be goalie.
And here's the thing,
try and stop the ball
when it goes... come...
go toward you, in the goal.
Oh, God, Dad, no.
It's just, I've seen you use your hands
at the restaurant, and
goalies use their hands,
and you're good with your
hands, so you can do it.
Yeah, you slap stuff and people.
I do slap stuff and people.
Okay, so let's do my plan.
(sighing): Okay, Coach.
Coach, I backed you up on
that, but maybe in the future,
run stuff by me first,
before you say it out loud?
Okay, Louise, now the
ball probably won't
come to you right away,
but it could in this quarter, so...
(whistle blows)
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no.
Oh, yeah!
(gasps) The steamroller. Louise,
- I have another coachy thought!
- Just shout it out!
Or you can discuss it
with your assistant first.
Louise, the steamroller!
Oh, from the show!
Yes! It'll cut off her angle!
It's our only hope!
(shouts)
(distorted): What the... ?
(grunts)
Ah, ha, ha!
I've got it!
(cheering) - Yeah! -Yeah!
Did Kayla not score?
Kayla, don't wipe that
dirt off your face!
You keep that on to
remind you of what you did!
What... what do I do now?
It, uh... throw it somewhere?
- Kick it! Drop-kick that
son of a bitch! -(grunts)
Wow, that hurt my foot.
Where were you?
I play halfback.
I was halfway back.
Girls, don't throw grass like that.
You throw it like this!
Hey! (scoffs)
- Stop throwing grass.
- You stop it.
You guys, get it together.
Uh, Gold Dragons?
- The ball?
- The ball?
Yeah! You-you can, uh...
you know. (whistles)
(gasps) Kick it?
Mm-hmm.
(grunts)
(indistinct chatter)
Guys, that's kind of distracting.
(whistle blows)
Goal.
-(cheering)
- You did it! - Hell yeah!
Hell yeah, Walter!
We didn't get shutouted!
(laughing): Yeah!
Great job, girls!
I'm coaching!
I'm actually coaching!
Harley, I will fix your ponytail!
Mara, let me take a
whack at those shoelaces!
Sami, you should live
with whichever parent
makes you feel safe!
CHRISTY: Not bad, Coach.
That one moment when
you were good at it.
It was a couple of really
good moments, technically.
Yeah! Oh, uh, forget
about that shoelace.
You're-you're gonna
have to cut those off.
You got it, Coach.
(whoops) (Cuban accent):
Fly, Pelican Brief, fly!
- (whistle blows)
- Oh, right.
We have to keep playing.
You're a musical midget.
You're a doddering old diva.
This is the best day of my life.
I know, but I'm worried
someone's gonna get killed.
These are very sharp criticisms.
Oh, okay, okay, wait,
wait, hold on a second.
This is Gene and Linda's Piano
Bar: Show Tunes and Mouth Foods.
And we like a little drama,
but we can't let two
veterans of the stage fight...
longer than you have
already been fighting.
Ms. Merkin, did Sheila
ever have a good show?
Sure. Thousands.
Literally. She's older than dirt.
-(grumbles)
- And, Sheila, did Ms. Merkin ever
impress you with her impressive playing?
Mm, eh, Matilda's been good
since before she could
button her own bloomers.
Wait, how long have you
two known each other?
Forever. We're sisters.
-(gasps) What? - What?
- Ooh, hot.
Oh, my God, you have to make up.
You're a showbiz family,
like the Smuckers Brothers
or the Twisted Sisters.
Oh, Sheila, I'm sorry if I
was late on a couple cues.
Maybe I was jealous that you
were in the spotlight again.
Oh, Matilda, I'm lost
without you backing me up.
I sing like an old barn
cat when you're not there.
Hey, how about another
number from the show?
"If You See Something, Sing Something"?
- You know my key.
- G-ish?
♪ If your bags were out of
your possession at any time ♪
♪ It could be bad,
it could be fine... ♪
- Mom?
- Yeah?
Weren't you making Teddy a burger?
Is it possible it's still on
the grill, and it's on fire?
- Oh, my God, Teddy's burger!
- Oh, God, oh, God.
BOB: Honestly, leaving you two alone,
I thought it would be way worse.
No, it's not a fire fire.
They're just putting out the smoke.
BOB: Uh-huh. Did you guys have fun?
- Oh, it was the best.
- I'm a manager now.
And I'm a manager in training. Eh...
- What?
- Nothing. How was the game?
Great. We lost 21 to one.
Oh, that's good, honey.
- Is that good?
- I don't know sports or math.
They gave their gosh darn all out there,
and we're gonna do it again next season.
- Oh, yeah, maybe not.
- Oh, no.
But I can still assistant
coach again, right?
Every damn day, Tina.
I frickin' love you, man.
Aw, you guys were having so much fun,
you don't even care that you're
missing the Supreme marathon.
- Oh, my God!
- (gasps) Go, go, go, go, go, go!
No, the fire department
says we're not supposed
to go upstairs... Oh, they're gone.
♪ If your bags were out of
your possession at any time ♪
♪ It could be bad,
it could be fine ♪
♪ Don't leave it up
to the canine unit ♪
♪ Security is fun and
we're all doin' it ♪
♪ If you see something,
sing something ♪
♪ Partner up and swing something ♪
♪ Let your voices ring if
you see a-something strange ♪
♪ I see something suspicious ♪
GENE: Uh-oh.
♪ Oh, you know I wish I didn't ♪
♪ But it's better if I sing it ♪
♪ So everyone will
know it's a thing ♪
♪ Like a shady guy, a weird
suitcase, something... ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Hey, what would happen if we put
ketchup in the mustard bottles?
Oh, man. I don't even
want to think about it.
Ah! Dad! They're showing a
commercial for the marathon!
ANNOUNCER: Starting at
11:00 a.m., it's an all-out,
body-slammin',
thank you ma'am-in'
ten straight hours of
Supreme Extreme Champions!
- Ten hours is almost not enough.
- All of your favorite obstacles
and the ultimate challenge,
- the Stampede!
- LOUISE AND BOB: The Stampede!
♪ ♪
BOB AND LOUISE: Do the steamroller!
Do the steamroller! Yes!
I mean, if you're gonna
get through the Stampede,
- you got to steamroll.
- Obviously.
That spandex doesn't leave
much to the imagination, huh?
- (phone rings) - No, there's
still a little bit to imagine.
Bob's Burgers. This isn't Bob.
Hi, this is Walter Rubens
from the Gold Dragons.
The Gold Dragons? What is that, a gang?
No, it's-it's your daughter
Louise's soccer team.
Louise has a soccer team?
Oh, God, we signed Louise up for soccer.
You what?!
Hey, look, an e-mail from Harley's dad.
He's asking if Louise would want
to join Harley's soccer team.
Think she would?
I've met Louise, so probably not.
Louise, do you want
to sign up for soccer?!
LOUISE (sarcastically): Yes!
Please sign me up for soccer!
- Oh!
- She's being sarcastic.
Are you being sarcastic?!
- (sarcastically): No!
- Aw, yeah, you're right.
Well, wait, now I'm not so sure. Louise,
do you want to sign up for soccer?!
(sarcastically): Uh-huh!
I guess she wants to do it.
Should we double-triple-check?
No, I-I don't want to yell anymore.
I was being sarcastic.
I'm sorry! It was... I...
We got a-an
e-mail, and I...
Oh! Oh, I didn't realize
you got an e-mail!
I completely forgot it happened at all!
It was during wine time!
Guys, guys, shush, shush, shush.
We really need Louise
to play this morning.
Suzy's on vacation and Michaela's sick
- and Jamie's gerbil died.
- Aw!
It was his time. Anyway,
if Louise doesn't come,
we won't have enough players
and we'll have to forfeit.
- Oh! - And since it's the
last game of the season
and Louise hasn't come to a single one,
this is literally the least you can do.
Last game? She missed the whole season?
- Yes. - Okay. You know
what, Walter, she'll be there.
(gasps)
Louise, come on. Let's get changed.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
- Oh, God.
Okay, she went limp. Come
on, we got a rag doll.
- Let's go. Come on, come on.
- No...
Come on!
... o!
That was not easy.
I know this seems horrible, Louise,
but you did sign up. Sort of.
No, you signed me up,
and now you're bowing to
grown-up peer pressure!
What's next, taking
fish oil? Paying taxes?
Plus, you might not hate
every single second of it?
Yeah, but what about the Supreme
Extreme Champions marathon?
Without that, what's
the point of anything?
We could DVR it. If we had one.
Should we just push a bunch
of buttons on the remote?
That's how I saw 9 1/2 Weeks.
You'll still get to
see some of the marathon
when you're back,
Louise. A-And, besides,
lots of parents make
their kids play sports.
And for a reason.
- I think. Right, Lin?
- P-Probably! Who can say?
Very convincing.
Come on, Louise, you're going.
All right, I'll go.
Who's driving me to this sucker game?
- Your mother will take you.
- Your dad is gonna take you.
I don't want to go.
- I don't want to go either, Bob.
- Thumb war?
BOTH: One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
- Damn it.
- Yes!
So glad I married a
man with dainty thumbs.
They're beautiful, but they're useless.
Well, Louise, I guess let's
go to your soccer game.
How about I come along?
"Great idea, Tina.
Looks like Tina's coming. Yay!"
And I'll stay here,
'cause it sounds like
where you're going is outside.
BOB: Wow, crowded.
Yeah, like "maybe we
won't be able to find
a parking spot" crowded?
Oh, right. If we can't find a spot,
we'd have to go home.
That's not our fault.
- No. Not at all.
- Oh, there's one.
- Ah, wonderful.
- Thanks, Tina.
TEDDY: So, where's Bob today, Lin?
Doctor's appointment? Grocery store?
(gasps) Did you kick him to the curb?
Anything you need, Linda.
I'm here, I'm not leaving.
You say the word, I
move my stuff in here.
Teddy, no. Teddy, Teddy, Teddy!
Bob took Louise to her soccer game,
and Tina went, too, that's all.
Oh, good. What a great dad.
While they're gone, I'm
flying solo with my Gene-o.
Taking a jamma with my mamma.
(gasps) "Jamma with my mamma"?
Oh, my God.
Gene, is today the day we do the...
- What?
- The piano bar.
(gasps) The piano bar!
We said we would do it if your dad
ever left us alone again.
- What are you guys talking about?
- Gene and Linda's Piano Bar
Show Tunes and Mouth Foods.
It's been our dream forever.
BOTH: ♪ Give my regards ♪
♪ To old Broadway ♪
♪ And say that I'll
be there e'er long. ♪
I'll go get my keyboard.
Oh, and get all my dresses and wigs.
But what'll you wear?
Um, hi. Is this the Gold Dragons?
My daughter is, uh, one of them.
Yes. You must be Bob. I'm Walter.
Here's your jersey. It's
been in my car for nine weeks.
It's listened to a lot of NPR.
LOUISE: N-P-U.
Do you have cleats and shin guards?
Uh, we don't have any of those things.
Of course not. (sighs)
I guess, uh, books are
sort of shin-guardy.
If you want, you can
borrow my Grishams.
Oh, good. I don't feel like an orphan
who stumbled onto the field at all.
- Why is that guy looking at me so much?
- Brag.
- So, you coaching today?
- Oh, I forgot to tell you,
- you're coaching today.
- Me? Oh-oh, no.
No, definitely not.
Suzy's dad is normally the coach,
but Suzy's on vacation,
so he's on vacation, too.
Classic Suzy's dad.
And you kind of owe it
to us for being M.I.A.
- the whole season.
- W-W-Wait, sorry.
I can't coach. Can anyone else do it?
Maybe someone who's been here
or knows anything about soccer?
- Like you?
- No. I set up the goals.
Plus... Ow. Ow, ow! My hand.
Uh, Bob, hold the clipboard.
- Bob's coaching.
- What?!
Oh, I see you got the clipboard.
- Congrats, Coach.
- Oh, come on.
I don't know how to coach.
Dad... (echoing Bob)
... you might not hate
every single second of it.
Evil child. All right.
- How bad can it be?
- Coach, will you fix my ponytail?
Uh, I don't know how to...
Coach, something went
wrong with my cleats.
- Can you fix them?
- Coach, I can't be goalie.
I can't touch the ball with my hands.
- Oh, my God.
- Coach, should I live
- with my mom or my dad?
- Help!
Yeah, a little help
over here... look at him.
You're doing great, Dad.
Why is this happening?
There isn't even anything
written on this clipboard.
Hey, Coach, um, aren't you gonna get us
to stretch and do drills and stuff?
Right, uh, why don't you guys, um,
kick the ball back and forth.
Wow, you sure you
haven't done this before?
Dad, I'd like to apply for the
position of assistant coach.
You probably have a
lot of offers, but...
Great, you're hired. Here's a clipboard
- with nothing on it.
- Yes.
- Doesn't matter. Leave it.
- Roger that.
BOB: Oof.
They look good.
This is gonna be bad.
Whoa. I kinda want their autographs.
Hey, there, I'm Christy,
coach of the Blue Dragons.
- Ow, my hand hurts.
- I know.
Uh, wait, the-the Blue
Dragons? We're the Gold Dragons.
Are all the teams just
different colored dragons?
Yep. Or thunders.
Different colored thunders.
There's a Brown Thunder,
which is... unfortunate.
- Yeah. - Look, I just
wanted to wish you good luck.
This is all gonna be
over soon enough. (laughs)
W-Wait, what? What does that mean?
You know, I am glad you're here, Louise.
I wondered why you never
came to practices or games,
and I always wanted
to ask you at school,
but honestly I'm scared
of you, and I did not.
But isn't this just the best, though?
(groans) Yup. Love soccer.
ALL: ♪ Till we meet again. ♪
- (door opens, bells jingle)
- Ms. Merkin, hello.
What are you doing out in the wild?
Hello, Gene. I was
just going for a walk.
Needed to blow off some steam.
I saw your sign. I'll go into any joint
that says "piano" on it.
Gene, you want to introduce us
to your lady friend?
This is Ms. Merkin, the
music teacher from school.
We call her Twerkin' Merkin.
Oh, I didn't recognize you
without a piano covering your legs.
- MERKIN: Where's your piano?
- Right here.
Ugh, that little jingleberry?
You making fart sounds, or
are you really playing it?
- (plays chord and fart)
- Both.
Not bad. Shove over.
(plays jazz riff)
(plays fart)
- Wow. - Yeah!
Whoa, look at you.
Is there a Mr. Merkin?
(whistle blowing)
BOB: Oh, the game's starting.
Louise, go that way.
Other girl, go that way.
Guys, you're all standing in a clump
right next to each other.
It's so different from what
the other team is doing.
- (whistle blows)
- MAN: Come on, play the ball!
- Oh, my God, they scored right away.
- Little slow, Kayla.
Little slow? That was so fast.
Did we start?
That's all right, girls.
Keep hustling!
And have fun out there.
Coach, uh, one thought.
Maybe we should have
someone in goal. I
don't know, just sayin'.
Uh, yeah, yeah. Good idea, Tina.
Hey, someone get in goal. No, just one!
ALL: ♪ By the beautiful sea ♪
What should I play next?
Ooh, how 'bout that show
that's coming to the
community theater...
TSA: The Musical?
- Oh, I love the soundtrack.
- Me, too.
TSA's the best musical about a
government agency ever written!
- I-I don't know that one.
- Really? "Female Pat Down"?
"Whose Bag Is This"?
"If You See Something, Sing Something"?
All right! "Female Pat Down."
Let me see if I can remember.
(muttering)
Wow, you're remembering
the crap out of that song.
ALL: ♪ It takes a lady ♪
♪ To touch a lady ♪
♪ But it takes a woman
to touch my heart ♪
KAYLA (panting): 2-0.
- You guys want a Benadryl?
- What? Why?
'Cause it seems like you're
all allergic to the ball.
Oh, okay. You're, like,
a super cool sports girl
doing trash talk... good job.
I got more where that came from,
- Pink Ears Book Legs.
- (whistle blows)
(grunting)
- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- You can do it, Mara.
No, no, no, no. Aah!
Oh, good try, Mara... with your face.
MARA: Is it... still on?
Yeah, I mean, don't, don't
look at it for a while.
- But it...
- MARA: Ow...
You've probably always had
that soccer ball pattern
on your forehead.
♪ ♪
♪ Parents make their kids
do this for a reason ♪
♪ Parents make their kids
do this for a reason ♪
♪ Is it 'cause they
hate their children? ♪
♪ Parents make their kids
do this for a reason. ♪
ALL: ♪ And that's whose bag it is. ♪
Oh, okay, how 'bout we do something
from a different musical?
Aw, why not keep playing this one?
Everyone loves it.
- Well, I don't love it, okay?!
- (piano clangs)
I don't love it!
- Whoa.
- Why don't you love it,
- Ms. Merkin?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Well, if she doesn't
want to talk about it...
All right, I'll tell you!
I've been playing piano
for the community theater's
production of TSA.
- (gasps) What?!
- What?!
But then the damn lead actress
said I was missing cues
and playing off-tempo.
So I quit, and I'm never going back.
No, Ms. Merkin, we're never going back.
Well, it's my Jo... I
don't... Who is... Who is he?
7-0. Close game.
What's your next move, big man?
(whistle blows)
End of the first quarter.
Okay, so talk to me
about these quarters.
How many more we got? One, zero...
- Three.
- No...
- Yeah.
- Not what I was hoping for.
I know.
Only three more goals
before your team gets shutouted.
Sorry, I don't speak "mean jock girl."
What are you saying?
If the score gets to 10-0,
the game is automatically over,
which is automatically
embarrassing for you.
Wait, like the game would be over over?
Like I could go home?
Yeah, back to the bookstore
that your legs live in.
That's amazing. I mean, oh, no.
Definitely don't want that to happen.
Mm-Kay.
That would be very
disappointing. Thank you.
(quietly): Hey, you hear about
this shutout rule thing?
Yeah. Three more goals,
and we're on our way back
to Supreme Extreme Champions town.
- That's my favorite town.
- I know.
So I guess we just keep
doing what we're doing?
You got it, Coach.
Let's just be a little
discreet about this?
Me be discreet... You be discreet.
- BOB: Yes!
- LOUISE: Yes!
I-I mean, that's all
right. That's all right.
Yeah, we-we'll get
'em. We-We'll get 'em.
Oh no! She stole the ball from me!
Why?!
It's hard to explain, Louise.
Why does anyone steal
the ball from anyone?
Yeah, I just don't
want to lose, you know?
- And go home so soon.
- Hey, Coach.
Really sorry this game
might be over so quickly.
It's just hard to get
my girls to ease up.
(chuckles) It's like telling a shark
not to eat the saddest school of fish.
- That's your team.
- Right.
'Cause if you look at
them, they look really sad.
- Right, right, right, yeah.
- And we're so strong.
Yeah, I know. I got the analogy.
Is there a problem
here? Hey, lady coach,
why don't you go dribble something, huh?
I'm walking away because I want to.
Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.
I can't believe you
quit TSA: The Musical.
What are you gonna do now,
just teach music to kids? Yuck.
Well, they won't have Matilda
Merkin to kick around anymore.
And their dumb CD player won't complain
if they treat it like crap.
I hope it skips.
(gasps) They're doing
the show to a recording?
That's Off-Broadway blasphemy.
Yep. And they're gonna
burn in hell for it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to improvise
a sad song. (humming)
Um, piano bar manager meeting, Gene?
Did I just get promoted to manager?
I'm not ready.
We got to get Ms.
Merkin back in that show.
Guys, I don't want to
crash your manager meeting,
but I was wondering if I could
just shadow Gene, maybe? Sit in?
- Sure, sure.
- But, Mom,
if we don't get her back in the show,
she can live here with us forever.
Piano bar every day and
all night, I'm assuming.
Great managing, Gene.
For the good of musicals everywhere,
we got to make this right.
(groans) Fine.
Uh, excuse me for a second.
Just gonna take the phone
into the kitchen, here, now.
Hey, while you're back there,
any chance I could get a burger?
Oh, yeah, we make food.
Okay, got that out of my system.
Now, who likes Oklahoma!?
- (cheering)
- Ooh, ooh, me!
(grunts, panting)
- Out of my way. -
You got it, K-dog.
Good hustle!
Just have fun out there!
Oh, God, not again.
(shouts)
Yes. I mean...
(groaning): Oh, darn!
That's 9-0.
Stage is set for a comeback.
- MAN: Good hustle!
- Just have fun out there!
I feel like they just
keep saying the same thing
over and over again.
TINA: Hey, sideline, switch it up.
Yeah, you, mom jeans.
Shutouted coach says what?
- What?
- (laughing): Yeah.
Hey, Coach Christy, out of
curiosity, which one's your car?
I'll be right back. Dad,
can I borrow your keys?
- Tina, no.
- (grunting)
Tina, let go.
What are you doing here?
Some lady called the theater
while we were rehearsing
and said you wanted to come back,
so we came because we want you back.
- It was me, I'm the lady.
- Yeah, you are.
What? I never said that.
Matilda, we can't do
the show without you.
We thought putting the
wig on the CD player
would make it better,
but it just made it worse.
I'm not coming back
unless Sheila apologizes.
And I don't see her here, so...
- Oh, I'm here.
- (gasping)
But I'm not apologizing.
Oh, my God, I love the theater.
- (whistle blows)
- Is the game over?
No, it's just halftime.
So, how long is halftime?
If everyone's feeling good,
can we just skip it, or...
You're running for the Porta Potties.
All right, talk to you when you get out.
Well, better start
packing it in, huh, ladies?
I hate getting shutouted.
Me, too.
I want to play the rest of the game.
What? We're getting killed.
- You want to keep going?
- Well, yeah, it's still fun.
I mean, I don't like
when the ball comes to me,
but that's so rare.
Even you, Jodi?
I mean, you look terrified out there.
Mm, I like it. Some people
go on roller coasters,
I sign up for soccer every year.
It makes me feel alive.
I just wish we didn't
get shutouted every game.
W-Wait, you guys get
shutouted every game?
Yeah. I don't even think they
had the rule until this season.
They invented it just for us.
- Halfway through our first game.
- Yeah.
The other name for getting shutouted
is getting Gold Dragon-ed.
Which my dad says is
also something you used to
be able to do in the Philippines
when he was in the Navy,
but I don't know what that means.
It just would've been
nice to score one goal
before the season's over.
Yeah, it would've been, Harley.
Uh, Dad, I can't
believe I'm saying this,
but I don't want to get shutouted.
Really? What about
Supreme Extreme Champions?
And the fact that we both hate this?
Yeah, well, the other
girls want to keep playing,
and I guess it makes me kind of sort of
want to finish the game, too.
Those brave little idiots.
They are brave.
And extremely bad at soccer.
So how do we not get shutouted?
- I have no idea.
- (whistle blows)
Second half starts in one minute.
No paper in there, by the way. Anymore.
Thirty seconds coaches.
- All right, Gold, uh, huddle up.
- What do you got, Coach?
Oh, well, I-I feel like,
uh, a lot of the time,
when a team is behind, the-the
coach is supposed to give
a big speech about leaving
it all on the court.
I mean, the-the grass court.
- What-what is this called?
- "Field," Coach.
Really? "Field"?
- What are we, farmers?
- I think it's "field," Coach.
Right, right, field. Yeah, sorry.
Just sounded weird.
- Anyway...
- (whistle blows)
Oh, wait! Louise, Mara, uh, come back.
I-I just had a-a
coachy thought.
- Little late, huh?
- Shh.
Mara, you're ready to get
out of the goal, right?
Yeah.
Great, how about this: Mara's forward,
Louise, you be goalie.
And here's the thing,
try and stop the ball
when it goes... come...
go toward you, in the goal.
Oh, God, Dad, no.
It's just, I've seen you use your hands
at the restaurant, and
goalies use their hands,
and you're good with your
hands, so you can do it.
Yeah, you slap stuff and people.
I do slap stuff and people.
Okay, so let's do my plan.
(sighing): Okay, Coach.
Coach, I backed you up on
that, but maybe in the future,
run stuff by me first,
before you say it out loud?
Okay, Louise, now the
ball probably won't
come to you right away,
but it could in this quarter, so...
(whistle blows)
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no.
Oh, yeah!
(gasps) The steamroller. Louise,
- I have another coachy thought!
- Just shout it out!
Or you can discuss it
with your assistant first.
Louise, the steamroller!
Oh, from the show!
Yes! It'll cut off her angle!
It's our only hope!
(shouts)
(distorted): What the... ?
(grunts)
Ah, ha, ha!
I've got it!
(cheering) - Yeah! -Yeah!
Did Kayla not score?
Kayla, don't wipe that
dirt off your face!
You keep that on to
remind you of what you did!
What... what do I do now?
It, uh... throw it somewhere?
- Kick it! Drop-kick that
son of a bitch! -(grunts)
Wow, that hurt my foot.
Where were you?
I play halfback.
I was halfway back.
Girls, don't throw grass like that.
You throw it like this!
Hey! (scoffs)
- Stop throwing grass.
- You stop it.
You guys, get it together.
Uh, Gold Dragons?
- The ball?
- The ball?
Yeah! You-you can, uh...
you know. (whistles)
(gasps) Kick it?
Mm-hmm.
(grunts)
(indistinct chatter)
Guys, that's kind of distracting.
(whistle blows)
Goal.
-(cheering)
- You did it! - Hell yeah!
Hell yeah, Walter!
We didn't get shutouted!
(laughing): Yeah!
Great job, girls!
I'm coaching!
I'm actually coaching!
Harley, I will fix your ponytail!
Mara, let me take a
whack at those shoelaces!
Sami, you should live
with whichever parent
makes you feel safe!
CHRISTY: Not bad, Coach.
That one moment when
you were good at it.
It was a couple of really
good moments, technically.
Yeah! Oh, uh, forget
about that shoelace.
You're-you're gonna
have to cut those off.
You got it, Coach.
(whoops) (Cuban accent):
Fly, Pelican Brief, fly!
- (whistle blows)
- Oh, right.
We have to keep playing.
You're a musical midget.
You're a doddering old diva.
This is the best day of my life.
I know, but I'm worried
someone's gonna get killed.
These are very sharp criticisms.
Oh, okay, okay, wait,
wait, hold on a second.
This is Gene and Linda's Piano
Bar: Show Tunes and Mouth Foods.
And we like a little drama,
but we can't let two
veterans of the stage fight...
longer than you have
already been fighting.
Ms. Merkin, did Sheila
ever have a good show?
Sure. Thousands.
Literally. She's older than dirt.
-(grumbles)
- And, Sheila, did Ms. Merkin ever
impress you with her impressive playing?
Mm, eh, Matilda's been good
since before she could
button her own bloomers.
Wait, how long have you
two known each other?
Forever. We're sisters.
-(gasps) What? - What?
- Ooh, hot.
Oh, my God, you have to make up.
You're a showbiz family,
like the Smuckers Brothers
or the Twisted Sisters.
Oh, Sheila, I'm sorry if I
was late on a couple cues.
Maybe I was jealous that you
were in the spotlight again.
Oh, Matilda, I'm lost
without you backing me up.
I sing like an old barn
cat when you're not there.
Hey, how about another
number from the show?
"If You See Something, Sing Something"?
- You know my key.
- G-ish?
♪ If your bags were out of
your possession at any time ♪
♪ It could be bad,
it could be fine... ♪
- Mom?
- Yeah?
Weren't you making Teddy a burger?
Is it possible it's still on
the grill, and it's on fire?
- Oh, my God, Teddy's burger!
- Oh, God, oh, God.
BOB: Honestly, leaving you two alone,
I thought it would be way worse.
No, it's not a fire fire.
They're just putting out the smoke.
BOB: Uh-huh. Did you guys have fun?
- Oh, it was the best.
- I'm a manager now.
And I'm a manager in training. Eh...
- What?
- Nothing. How was the game?
Great. We lost 21 to one.
Oh, that's good, honey.
- Is that good?
- I don't know sports or math.
They gave their gosh darn all out there,
and we're gonna do it again next season.
- Oh, yeah, maybe not.
- Oh, no.
But I can still assistant
coach again, right?
Every damn day, Tina.
I frickin' love you, man.
Aw, you guys were having so much fun,
you don't even care that you're
missing the Supreme marathon.
- Oh, my God!
- (gasps) Go, go, go, go, go, go!
No, the fire department
says we're not supposed
to go upstairs... Oh, they're gone.
♪ If your bags were out of
your possession at any time ♪
♪ It could be bad,
it could be fine ♪
♪ Don't leave it up
to the canine unit ♪
♪ Security is fun and
we're all doin' it ♪
♪ If you see something,
sing something ♪
♪ Partner up and swing something ♪
♪ Let your voices ring if
you see a-something strange ♪
♪ I see something suspicious ♪
GENE: Uh-oh.
♪ Oh, you know I wish I didn't ♪
♪ But it's better if I sing it ♪
♪ So everyone will
know it's a thing ♪
♪ Like a shady guy, a weird
suitcase, something... ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.