Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Brunchsquatch - full transcript
Bob decides to serve brunch to compete with Jimmy Pesto; the Belcher kids help Mr. Fischoeder's brother hide from him.
_
_
♪ ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
BOB: All right,
breakfast is served. We
got some French toast,
eggs in the hole,
bacon, and hash browns.
(whistles) Is that it, Dad?
You're kind of phoning it in.
Uh, what can I say? I
like making breakfast.
He's got eggs, and he
knows how to use 'em.
Oops, I dropped some egg.
Oh, no. If only we had a dog,
it would be cleaning
that up for us right now.
Guys, we've been over this.
I know that puppy you saw
- last week was cute, but...
- I beg your pardon.
"Cute" is not a word that
even begins to describe
- what that puppy was.
- He was like Shirley Temple
stuffed inside a teddy bear
stuffed inside that
kid from Jerry Maguire.
(sighs) We can't have a dog.
Dogs are expensive... The food, the vet,
the Halloween costumes.
Oh, also having a dog is a lot
of work, and you kids hate work.
You never do any of your
chores. Y-You don't... floss.
Yeah. Hey, weren't we gonna
start using a chore wheel?
That's right. Whose chore was
it to make the chore wheel?
- Not me.
- Not me.
- Not me.
- Not me.
Please, please, please
let us have a dog.
KIDS: Please?
Wow, that was good harmony.
- But no.
- (kids groan)
Okay, we didn't want to have to do this,
but we drew some pictures
of the family. Gene?
Here we are, dog-less.
Note how gray and empty we all look.
- LINDA: What am I holding?
- TINA: You've got a knife
and you're gonna stab Dad.
- Oh, yeah.
- And here we are with a dog.
Ooh! I look good.
Yup. The sun is shining.
Look at the light. Look at the color.
BOB: Um, who's the other woman?
LOUISE: Mom let you get another wife.
You met her when you
were out walking the dog.
Her name is Susan. She's a homeopath.
I like Susan.
So, can we get a dog?
- (Both) No.
- (sighs) Poor Susan.
Now I'm afraid I'm gonna stab you.
TINA: Wow, that's a long line.
Yeah. What is going on over there?
LINDA: Look. "Now serving brunch
and all you can drink
Bloody Mary-naras."
Hey, Bob. I-I see you got a huge
line outside your restaurant.
(chuckles) Oh, wait, oh, that's me!
(cackles) Zoom.
Only we do.
Oh that's very funny, Jimmy.
Yeah, it's called brunch, Bob.
Read about it.
Why don't you read about it?
- Yeah, here, read this.
- (farts)
(both laugh)
He's talking about his
butt. Like it's a book.
- Hey, don't explain it.
- Just clarifying.
I'm going inside now, so have fun.
There's no line. You
should get right in.
Stupid Jimmy Pesto.
Do that many people really go to brunch?
Yeah. Families, young people,
big groups of girlfriends
who all just broke
off their engagements.
Maybe we could do brunch.
We already serve food.
Well, I do love cooking eggs.
It could be fun.
And so I said, "I don't
get hungry, I get fun-gry."
Oh, honey, if you're
fun-gry, I'm fun-starving.
- I like dating.
- Check, please.
(laughter)
Let's do it. But I get to be the Carrie.
Mom, you're the Stanford
Blatch and you know it.
Linda, you wouldn't
be going to the brunch,
- you'd be working at it.
- Oh. Right.
GENE: Sucks for you, Mom.
Uh, you kids would be working, too.
- Yay.
- Oh, we'd love to,
but we have to go to church.
But look at that line outside Jimmy's...
- We could really use the money.
- For a dog.
- No.
- Ooh, we could serve mimosas.
But we could call 'em
Mom-osas, after me.
Yeah. Or Gene-mosas,
after Gene Simmons.
Okay, let's do it. Let's do a brunch.
Good, yeah, this'll be great.
Bob's Burgers' Brunch.
We'll see who has a bigger
line tomorrow, Jimmy.
Hello, Belchers.
How are we today?
Uh-uh, hi, Mr. Fischoeder.
Ca... Uh, can we help
you with something?
We-we sent you the rent.
It was very late, but...
Right. Yes.
- Uh, thank you.
- Do you...
- want to see a menu?
- (chuckles): Oh, no.
No. No, I do not want
to eat your food, Bob.
I'm actually looking
for my brother, Felix.
You haven't seen him, have you?
No. How long has he been gone?
Do you think he's okay?
Oh, I'm sure he's
fine. Uh, it's just that
"Crocodile Rock," uh, came
on the radio and I don't want,
uh... I don't want him to miss it.
I love that song. It's about
when The Rock was young.
(clattering) -Ugh. Louise,
I asked you to take this out
to the Dumpster last night.
Oh, the Dumpster Dumpster.
I thought you meant something else.
(sighs) Go.
- Now.
- Okay.
See? See how much I love to work?
I see. We still aren't getting a dog.
I'll break you yet, Robert Belcher.
- Felix?
- Shh! I'm hiding.
Well, Mr. Fischoeder is
inside looking for you.
What?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's who I'm hiding from.
- Why?
- I can't tell you, but let's just say
that I'm in a lot of danger if
he finds me. Oh, did he already
- look around in there?
- Yup.
Then that's where I should hide.
Now that he's looked in there,
that spot'll be good for hours.
Hey, if I came back
later, could you let me in?
- What's in it for me?
- What do you want?
I want a lot of things, Felix.
But right now I want money for a dog.
- You owe a dog money?
- No. (sighs)
What would you say to $250?
- I'd take it.
- No, you pay me.
- That's okay, too.
- All right, we'll hide you.
Great. I'll be back later tonight.
And one more thing... you
can't tell anyone you saw me.
You have no idea what's at stake.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd
like to finish my garbage fries.
What did I do with my garbage ketchup?
Hmm. I thought for sure I
would find him in this area.
He always turns up in
the dirtiest places.
W-Wait, what?
Oh, did I say dirty? I meant... dingy.
Louise, you still have the trash.
Ha! I do. Crazy me. So forgetful.
Hmm. You were out there
an awfully long time
and yet you did not
throw the trash away.
Talking to someone, were we?
What? No.
Bob, mind if I poke my head
in your alley, so to speak?
(sniffs) He was here!
- He was?
- Oh, yes.
If he wasn't, then who
does this belong to?
Wha... I don't see it.
W-What are you talking about?
It's a hair. A single,
limp, blonde hair.
A hair I'd know anywhere.
That's crazy. We get all
kinds of blondes in this alley.
We have to shoo them away with a broom.
Well, this has been really fun
and, uh, not weird at all,
but we better get back
to our dingy lives.
All right. Cheers, pink ears.
What was that all about?
Are you two dating?
No, but we are going to hide
his brother in our basement.
Nice. I knew it was one or the other.
Granny! That hurt my
sweet little fingers.
Okay, your Dad and I
have to run a few errands
- for brunch tomorrow.
- I'm making a topless burger
with a fried egg and hollandaise
that is really complicated, so...
Wait, are you topless or the burger?
- Hmm. We'll see.
- All right,
bye, bye, bye. (kisses)
- Stay out of my room!
- My room, too.
Stay out of our room!
- Okay, sister, spill.
- Spill what?
Apparently, we're going to hide a man
- in our basement?
- Go on.
- Well, a Felix.
- Oh.
Psst!
Okay, so we brought you
down a blanket, a pillow...
(mouth full): Some potato
chips. No, wait, never mind.
Here's a DVD of Prelude to
a Kiss starring Meg Ryan.
I mean, there's no DVD player down here
and we lost the DVD that...
Oh, don't worry. I've hidden
in much more boring places
than this for much
longer than one night.
I just need to stay hidden
until 12:30 p.m. tomorrow,
and then I win.
W-Wait. Win what?
You said you were in danger,
and I took advantage of that for money.
In danger of not
winning hide-and-seek.
We play every year on our birthdays.
The birthday boy hides, and
the non-birthday boy seeks.
- It's your birthday?
- Oh, no.
My birthday was 19 days ago.
You've been hiding for 19 days?
- Smell me.
- (sniffs) Ugh.
Huh. I'd say 15.
And if I make it to 20, I
beat my brother's record.
Why aren't you hiding
somewhere cool, like Europe?
Or the Upside Down.
Well, the rules are you have
to stay in town, you can't carry
any money, and you can't kill
anyone to keep them quiet.
Can you kill them
just to send a message?
Wh-When you say "no money,"
we're still getting our $250
of sweet, sweet dog cash, right?
Yes. Keep me hidden
till 12:30 p.m. tomorrow,
- and I'll make it $251.
- Whoa.
But if Calvin finds me
before then, you get nothing.
You really think Mom and
Dad will let us get a dog
- if we have that money?
- Sure, that'll cover
a couple months' expenses.
And then do you really think
they'll want to give an
adorable little fur-ball back?
I mean, they kept Tina, and
she can't even shake a paw.
I'm working on it.
BOB: Well, hello, eggs.
"Hi!" You guys ready to be
in some amazing frittatas?
"We sure are!"
You guys seem pretty egg-cited.
Get it? (laughs)
"You're really funny!" Thank you.
Hey, Bob, if you're
done talking to the eggs,
come out here and take a look at this.
Sorry, I have to go talk to my wife.
"Run away with us, Bob."
I can't. Well, maybe.
W-We'll see.
(hums) Is it great or what?
I even drew a
- little champagne glass, you see?
- _
Good morning, sleepy-beepies!
Oh, hey, Mom and Dad.
How are you? Good morning.
You guys sure got up early
and snuck out of the house.
How's it going? Have you
been down in the basement?
Um, yeah, of course we have. Why?
Oh, cool. Very cool.
How was it?
It was the basement.
What the hell is going on?
(giggles nervously) Not
much. How are you doin'?
Um, you guys are acting really weird.
(laughs) You're acting really weird.
Okay, well, can someone go get
me some tomatoes from the walk-in?
- Me!
- On it!
Yep!
- What was that all about?
- Oh, it's probably all part
- of this dog thing.
- Oh, right.
We're never getting a dog, right?
- No way.
- Okay, good.
If anything, maybe a monkey.
- Right. Wait, what?
- Monkey.
Felix, it's us, Tina, Louise,
and Gene Belcher from upstairs.
FELIX (muffled): I'm back here!
(grunting)
He's like a human Karma Chameleon.
(winded): I had to tuck
myself in here this morning
when your parents came down.
But I had a nice head
of lettuce for breakfast,
and I'm feeling okay.
Aren't you cold?
Yes! I think I might lose a toe.
But it'll all be worth
it to see the look
on Calvin's dumb, warm face
when I break his record.
Okay, you need warmer clothes.
We can get some, but we'll
have to distract Mom and Dad
so they don't ask questions.
We could say something like,
"Don't look in the basement.
There's no man down there." Huh?
Here are those tomatoes
you ordered, Father.
And now we're going to just
pop upstairs for a second
because we have a
little surprise for you.
Good surprise or bad surprise?
Eh, surprise me.
Y'all ready for this?
Introducing...
(humming fanfare)
- ... Brunchsquatch!
- (Gene humming)
LINDA: Oh, my God, I
love it! Brunchsquatch!
Aw! Cute little construction
paper bacon and eggs.
- Bob, do you love it?
- Yeah, it's a good idea.
We can send him outside
to drum up business.
Okay, Brunchsquatch
distraction was a success.
(grunting)
- Little help?
- (grunting)
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. In.
Ooh, look, a line!
We're like a nightclub!
Or an understaffed drugstore.
That's great! In your face, Jimmy.
Okay, quick meeting,
everybody. Gather round.
Wh-Where's Louise?
- Bathroom.
- Mexico.
All right, well, when she's
back, she's running food.
Linda, you greet 'em and seat 'em.
Tina, you're on busing and water
and picking up weird
stuff off the floor.
How do I know if it's weird?
Like that Band-Aid. Weird? Not weird?
Gene, you go outside, do
your thing, and bring 'em in.
I'll shake my little
benedicts! Bum, bum, bum!
No, no, no. Don't
don't do that. Just...
- No, no, no.
- Roar! I'm a little tiger!
- Gene, don't do that. No, no.
- I'm a sexy little tiger.
- Don't do that.
- Yeah!
- Please, no. Just get customers.
- Shake, shake, shake.
I'll be in the kitchen,
making the world's best brunch.
On three. One, two...
Okay, you're - you're opening the door.
Hello! I'm Linda.
Welcome to Bob's Burg...
- (singsongy): I'm here!
- Oh.
Dame Judi Brunch, as
you live and breathe.
Yes, it's really me.
Yes, I'm really here.
Yes, let's really have brunch.
(chuckles): I'm sorry. Dame
Who-Di-what? What is it?
Wait. Oh, my God. This is adorable.
You don't know who I am.
I don't.
She doesn't know who
I am. Okay, I love you.
Um, okay, of course, this
is your first brunch day,
so how could you? My
real name is Dalton,
but I write a blog, Brunch Drunk Love,
- under the name Dame Judi Brunch.
- Wow!
And this is Jennifer,
other Jennifer, and Greg.
- Hello.
- [IN UNISON] Hi.
So you said you write a brunch
blog. I'd love to see that.
How do I find it? Do I, uh...
I blog dot net or something?
Or I just print it out? Or what do I do?
(laughs): Oh, my God, so funny!
Okay, now, what is that?
What am I looking at?
- (grunting)
- That is my son. He's Brunchsquatch.
Stop it. I'm dying.
No, you stop it. Don't die.
I won't. I'm dying. I won't stop.
Okay, so, first things first,
bring us two mimosas each.
And we'll look at the
menu. Never stop being you.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I just met a blogger.
♪ ♪
Wow, it's really filled up!
We're having a buncha brunch!
Linda, this orange juice
tastes a little off.
Well, it's got champagne in it, Teddy.
What? I had four of 'em!
Well, why'd you drink so many
if you thought they tasted weird?
- I wanted to fit in.
- Oh, you. Ooh, you want a little more?
Maybe. Maybe half a glass.
Linda, where are the orders?
Well, no one's ordered food yet.
They sure love the Mom-osas though, huh?
- Louise, there you are.
- What? Nothing.
O-Kay. Uh, go take some orders.
These people need to have
food with their alcohol.
You got it.
- (bell jingles)
- (gasps)
Oh, hello, little Belcher!
Thought I'd stop by for brunch.
I left something here yesterday,
and I've come back for him.
Mr. Fischoeder, hello!
Um, do you want brunch?
Yes. One brunch, please, Linda.
I've been searching for
brunch all over town,
and I've come to believe it's here.
It is... here.
So, I'm gonna go get you a Mom-osa.
- Get it? (chuckles)
- You get it.
- (chuckling)
- (chuckling): I will, I will.
So, child of Bob,
where do you think that sneaky
little brunch might be hiding?
Well, landlord of Bob, I don't
know what you're talking about.
Am I drunk or are you guys
having a weird conversation?
- Both.
- Both.
So, some news.
You're gonna want to stay put,
because your brother is upstairs.
- What?!
- It's okay.
He's way up there, and
you're way down here.
You don't understand!
He's like a bloodhound.
And now I'm trapped.
Geez. Calm down. Gah.
I will take care of this.
Just stay here, stay warm,
and, for God's sake, stop
eating all the lettuce.
It's not even washed.
"Why aren't more people
ordering us, Bob?"
I-I have no idea, eggs.
I mean, I'm sure they will v-very soon.
- Order up. Tell your eggs.
- Okay. Here we go.
One frittata for table five.
Wait, there's, like, seven people
crammed in that booth.
They just want one frittata?
LINDA: Guess they aren't hungry.
So far, the only person who
ordered a lot is The Dame.
His table got one of everything.
Wait. Why are you
calling him "The Dame"?
He's Dame Judi Brunch and
he runs a blog about brunch.
- Oh, cool.
- Back off. He's mine.
I'll go ask him what we're doing wrong.
Maybe we didn't make the right
kind of food or something.
Shh, shh. Don't listen to her, eggs.
You guys are perfect.
"We don't like her."
She's just jealous of us. "We know."
All right. We need to
figure out a way to get Felix
out of the basement without
Mr. Fischoeder seeing him.
This seems like what the phrase
"Hey, look over there" was born for.
Whew, I need to pee
and I feel like I
shouldn't do it out there
on the sidewalk... again.
People did not like that.
(gasps) Yes, Gene, that's it.
You do need to pee.
I love how excited you are about this.
No, no, no, listen, listen. Come here.
So, why did you agree
to hide Felix, Louise?
- Did he offer to pay you?
- Did who offer to pay me?
(quietly): And do you
want to pay me more?
(laughs) No, I-I-I don't need to.
My hide-and-seek record
has stood for 15 years.
The closer it gets to 12:30,
the more fun it will be
to see his face when I find him.
- And I know exactly where he is.
- Oh, really?
Yes. He's in the basement.
What? That's crazy.
(laughing nervously): Well, he's...
And I'll be there, too, very soon.
But for now, I'm going to sit
here, drink this terrible mimosa
and let him think that he's
going to make it to 12:30.
Well, I better go before
I embarrass myself.
You know what? Maybe I'll just...
So, Dame, how do you like your food?
Where do we fall on the brunch-o-meter?
How do I like this
brunch? How do I... ugh.
- How can you even ask me that?
- Oh, I mean, uh...
I don't like it.
- I love it.
- You do?
The Frittata Have
Faith? The Waffle Truth?
I almost literally never say this word,
- but this brunch is amazeballs.
- He says that all the time.
- He never says that.
- Wait. What?
Well, do you know why no one
else is ordering anything?
(laughter)
- Oh, no, Linda.
- Oh, no, what?
Linda, please tell me you
have a meal-per-P-minimum?
A PP what? A PP what?
Okay, okay. If you read my
blog, you would know this.
A meal per person minimum. Look around.
You've got a restaurant
full of brunch skunks.
Oh, no. Not brunch skunks!
What are those? What are those?
Oops. Ugh. We need new glasses!
That is a brunch skunk, Linda.
They're just here for
the bottomless mimosas.
You didn't say they
each had to order a meal,
so they've got empty stomachs,
and... (gasps) Oh, my God!
Are these drinks not watered down?!
Of course not. Who waters down a mimosa?
First of all, I know.
But second, it's brunch.
Okay? We went to that place
across the street yesterday.
I had 16 Bloody Marys
and I wasn't even buzzed.
- I had 20.
- She had 20.
We all drove home.
- Oh, my God.
- And once the skunks settle in,
it's almost impossible to kick them out.
They're like bedbugs.
I've seen brunch skunks
throw up in their booths,
and just keep drinking.
I've seen a boy brunch skunk
fight his way out of an ambulance
to try to get back into a
restaurant for more drinks.
This is bad, Linda.
This is very bad.
Oh, God. I got to go tell Bob!
Yes, you do.
But before you do that,
could you be a lil' cabbage
and grab us another round
of Mom-osas and some more
jalapeño aioli for our
burgers? Love you. (kisses)
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, okay!
Well, I guess it's time to
go crush someone's dreams.
- Mine?
- No. No, my good man.
- Someone clearly beat me to that.
- Oh, good.
Oh. Pardon me, breakfast monster.
Gene, wait. I-I need
your help. Stay here.
Bob, I'm going down to
check your basement for leaks
and Felixes and whatnot
before the winter season.
That's um, uh, okay.
- Bob! Bob! We got brunch skunks!
- What?
Brunch skunks! These people
just came for the drinks.
Skunky little booze hounds.
Miss, miss. We need
more drinks over here!
- That a brunch skunk?
- Yes, definitely a brunch skunk.
- (retches) Wait. Whose purse is this?
- (sighs) Oh, crap.
Okay, we can save this. We'll
just tell all these people
they have to go, and then
we'll seat everyone in line
and tell them that they
have to order a meal.
- Okay.
- Gene, go bus the tables.
Take every glass, even if it's full.
Louise, Tina, help your brother.
Sure. But shouldn't Gene
go back outside, probably?
No. No, no, no. W-We
need you guys in here.
- And, Linda.
- What?
You got to start giving out checks.
(sighs): I know, I know.
Be brave.
(singsongy): Felix. I'm gonna getcha.
I'm a-comin' to get you.
You'll never get away.
I got you now.
I can smell you breathing, Felix.
Caught you just at the last second.
- (screams) Hi.
- (screams)
Damn it!
So, this is your check.
I'm putting it down right here.
I don't remember asking for the check.
I want more drinks.
Okay, well, no.
We actually have to
cut you off. I'm sorry.
The sign says
"bot-tom-less drinks."
You can't just add a bottom.
That's illegal.
I'm calling 911.
I'm sorry, but you have to go.
In fact...
all of you, you all have to go!
Oh, Linda, no.
Ow, my face!
I'm gonna get my own drink.
LINDA: No, no, no. No,
you aren't. Sit down.
Ow, ow, ow. You're walking on my legs.
(gasps)
- Gotcha.
- Felix, run!
- No!
- (grunts)
Brunch brawl!
(crowd clamoring)
Mr. Fischoeder, what are
you doing?! Get off Gene!
- You rang?
- Gene? Wait.
- Who's in the suit?
- Felix Fischoeder.
(chuckles) Sure. Makes perfect sense.
- (cork pops)
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No! No, it's not me! It's not me!
I'm not Felix!
Ha! 12:29!
- 12:29!
- No!
(siren wailing)
911 is here!
Now you're gonna be in big trouble.
- So this is brunch, huh?
- I love it.
Ah, thank God they're all gone.
- The cops were nice.
- And we learned the police code
for brunch brawl: ten-ten over easy.
Well, you didn't beat my record,
but you still get a birthday
present, just like always.
Should we go pick out a car?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yay, car!
- (bell jingles)
I can't believe you guys
hid Felix in the restaurant
and we didn't even know.
Yeah, and we fed him
and took care of him.
Aw, that's nice.
So that probably means
we could get a dog?
It does not mean that at all.
(groans, sniffs) You
guys serving lunch yet?
Uh... Yeah, sure.
- Lunchsquatch!
- Yay!
- LINDA: And so I said,
- _
"I don't get hungry, I
get fun-gry." (laughs)
- Linda, that's amazing.
- (laughs)
I'm putting that on a
shirt, and I'm wearing it
- absolutely everywhere.
- (laughs)
Brunch is served.
Bob, I cannot believe you
cooked me a private brunch.
- Of all the private brunches
- (kids laughing)
I'm gonna go to this weekend,
this will probably be the best.
Oh. Well, uh, thanks for,
uh, bringing your dog.
- My-my kids appreciate it.
- (dog barks)
Yeah, here's a picture of
all of us and you and the dog.
Okay, what are you
guys doing to me there?
Oh, we're stabbing you
so we can keep your dog.
GENE: I'm using a pitchfork.
DALTON: I feel really unsafe right now,
- and that's not funny.
- (DOG BARKS)
Just kidding, I love it.
But am I wearing flip-flops? Because no.
LOUISE: Okay, everybody, start
stabbing on the count of three!
- GENE: ♪ I'm a little tiger ♪
- BOB: No, no, no, don't do that.
GENE: ♪ I'm a sexy little tiger ♪
Roar!
- BOB: Please, no.
- GENE: ♪ I'm a little tiger ♪
- CHORUS: ♪ I'm a little tiger ♪
- BOB: No, no, don't.
GENE: ♪ I'm a sexy little tiger ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake,
I'm a little tiger ♪
BOB: Gene, don't do that.
No, no, don't do that.
- GENE: ♪ I'm a sexy little tiger ♪
- CHORUS: ♪ Sexy little tiger ♪
- GENE: Yeah!
♪ I'll shake my little benedicts ♪
♪ I'm a little tiger ♪
♪ I'm a sexy little tiger. ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
_
♪ ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
BOB: All right,
breakfast is served. We
got some French toast,
eggs in the hole,
bacon, and hash browns.
(whistles) Is that it, Dad?
You're kind of phoning it in.
Uh, what can I say? I
like making breakfast.
He's got eggs, and he
knows how to use 'em.
Oops, I dropped some egg.
Oh, no. If only we had a dog,
it would be cleaning
that up for us right now.
Guys, we've been over this.
I know that puppy you saw
- last week was cute, but...
- I beg your pardon.
"Cute" is not a word that
even begins to describe
- what that puppy was.
- He was like Shirley Temple
stuffed inside a teddy bear
stuffed inside that
kid from Jerry Maguire.
(sighs) We can't have a dog.
Dogs are expensive... The food, the vet,
the Halloween costumes.
Oh, also having a dog is a lot
of work, and you kids hate work.
You never do any of your
chores. Y-You don't... floss.
Yeah. Hey, weren't we gonna
start using a chore wheel?
That's right. Whose chore was
it to make the chore wheel?
- Not me.
- Not me.
- Not me.
- Not me.
Please, please, please
let us have a dog.
KIDS: Please?
Wow, that was good harmony.
- But no.
- (kids groan)
Okay, we didn't want to have to do this,
but we drew some pictures
of the family. Gene?
Here we are, dog-less.
Note how gray and empty we all look.
- LINDA: What am I holding?
- TINA: You've got a knife
and you're gonna stab Dad.
- Oh, yeah.
- And here we are with a dog.
Ooh! I look good.
Yup. The sun is shining.
Look at the light. Look at the color.
BOB: Um, who's the other woman?
LOUISE: Mom let you get another wife.
You met her when you
were out walking the dog.
Her name is Susan. She's a homeopath.
I like Susan.
So, can we get a dog?
- (Both) No.
- (sighs) Poor Susan.
Now I'm afraid I'm gonna stab you.
TINA: Wow, that's a long line.
Yeah. What is going on over there?
LINDA: Look. "Now serving brunch
and all you can drink
Bloody Mary-naras."
Hey, Bob. I-I see you got a huge
line outside your restaurant.
(chuckles) Oh, wait, oh, that's me!
(cackles) Zoom.
Only we do.
Oh that's very funny, Jimmy.
Yeah, it's called brunch, Bob.
Read about it.
Why don't you read about it?
- Yeah, here, read this.
- (farts)
(both laugh)
He's talking about his
butt. Like it's a book.
- Hey, don't explain it.
- Just clarifying.
I'm going inside now, so have fun.
There's no line. You
should get right in.
Stupid Jimmy Pesto.
Do that many people really go to brunch?
Yeah. Families, young people,
big groups of girlfriends
who all just broke
off their engagements.
Maybe we could do brunch.
We already serve food.
Well, I do love cooking eggs.
It could be fun.
And so I said, "I don't
get hungry, I get fun-gry."
Oh, honey, if you're
fun-gry, I'm fun-starving.
- I like dating.
- Check, please.
(laughter)
Let's do it. But I get to be the Carrie.
Mom, you're the Stanford
Blatch and you know it.
Linda, you wouldn't
be going to the brunch,
- you'd be working at it.
- Oh. Right.
GENE: Sucks for you, Mom.
Uh, you kids would be working, too.
- Yay.
- Oh, we'd love to,
but we have to go to church.
But look at that line outside Jimmy's...
- We could really use the money.
- For a dog.
- No.
- Ooh, we could serve mimosas.
But we could call 'em
Mom-osas, after me.
Yeah. Or Gene-mosas,
after Gene Simmons.
Okay, let's do it. Let's do a brunch.
Good, yeah, this'll be great.
Bob's Burgers' Brunch.
We'll see who has a bigger
line tomorrow, Jimmy.
Hello, Belchers.
How are we today?
Uh-uh, hi, Mr. Fischoeder.
Ca... Uh, can we help
you with something?
We-we sent you the rent.
It was very late, but...
Right. Yes.
- Uh, thank you.
- Do you...
- want to see a menu?
- (chuckles): Oh, no.
No. No, I do not want
to eat your food, Bob.
I'm actually looking
for my brother, Felix.
You haven't seen him, have you?
No. How long has he been gone?
Do you think he's okay?
Oh, I'm sure he's
fine. Uh, it's just that
"Crocodile Rock," uh, came
on the radio and I don't want,
uh... I don't want him to miss it.
I love that song. It's about
when The Rock was young.
(clattering) -Ugh. Louise,
I asked you to take this out
to the Dumpster last night.
Oh, the Dumpster Dumpster.
I thought you meant something else.
(sighs) Go.
- Now.
- Okay.
See? See how much I love to work?
I see. We still aren't getting a dog.
I'll break you yet, Robert Belcher.
- Felix?
- Shh! I'm hiding.
Well, Mr. Fischoeder is
inside looking for you.
What?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's who I'm hiding from.
- Why?
- I can't tell you, but let's just say
that I'm in a lot of danger if
he finds me. Oh, did he already
- look around in there?
- Yup.
Then that's where I should hide.
Now that he's looked in there,
that spot'll be good for hours.
Hey, if I came back
later, could you let me in?
- What's in it for me?
- What do you want?
I want a lot of things, Felix.
But right now I want money for a dog.
- You owe a dog money?
- No. (sighs)
What would you say to $250?
- I'd take it.
- No, you pay me.
- That's okay, too.
- All right, we'll hide you.
Great. I'll be back later tonight.
And one more thing... you
can't tell anyone you saw me.
You have no idea what's at stake.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd
like to finish my garbage fries.
What did I do with my garbage ketchup?
Hmm. I thought for sure I
would find him in this area.
He always turns up in
the dirtiest places.
W-Wait, what?
Oh, did I say dirty? I meant... dingy.
Louise, you still have the trash.
Ha! I do. Crazy me. So forgetful.
Hmm. You were out there
an awfully long time
and yet you did not
throw the trash away.
Talking to someone, were we?
What? No.
Bob, mind if I poke my head
in your alley, so to speak?
(sniffs) He was here!
- He was?
- Oh, yes.
If he wasn't, then who
does this belong to?
Wha... I don't see it.
W-What are you talking about?
It's a hair. A single,
limp, blonde hair.
A hair I'd know anywhere.
That's crazy. We get all
kinds of blondes in this alley.
We have to shoo them away with a broom.
Well, this has been really fun
and, uh, not weird at all,
but we better get back
to our dingy lives.
All right. Cheers, pink ears.
What was that all about?
Are you two dating?
No, but we are going to hide
his brother in our basement.
Nice. I knew it was one or the other.
Granny! That hurt my
sweet little fingers.
Okay, your Dad and I
have to run a few errands
- for brunch tomorrow.
- I'm making a topless burger
with a fried egg and hollandaise
that is really complicated, so...
Wait, are you topless or the burger?
- Hmm. We'll see.
- All right,
bye, bye, bye. (kisses)
- Stay out of my room!
- My room, too.
Stay out of our room!
- Okay, sister, spill.
- Spill what?
Apparently, we're going to hide a man
- in our basement?
- Go on.
- Well, a Felix.
- Oh.
Psst!
Okay, so we brought you
down a blanket, a pillow...
(mouth full): Some potato
chips. No, wait, never mind.
Here's a DVD of Prelude to
a Kiss starring Meg Ryan.
I mean, there's no DVD player down here
and we lost the DVD that...
Oh, don't worry. I've hidden
in much more boring places
than this for much
longer than one night.
I just need to stay hidden
until 12:30 p.m. tomorrow,
and then I win.
W-Wait. Win what?
You said you were in danger,
and I took advantage of that for money.
In danger of not
winning hide-and-seek.
We play every year on our birthdays.
The birthday boy hides, and
the non-birthday boy seeks.
- It's your birthday?
- Oh, no.
My birthday was 19 days ago.
You've been hiding for 19 days?
- Smell me.
- (sniffs) Ugh.
Huh. I'd say 15.
And if I make it to 20, I
beat my brother's record.
Why aren't you hiding
somewhere cool, like Europe?
Or the Upside Down.
Well, the rules are you have
to stay in town, you can't carry
any money, and you can't kill
anyone to keep them quiet.
Can you kill them
just to send a message?
Wh-When you say "no money,"
we're still getting our $250
of sweet, sweet dog cash, right?
Yes. Keep me hidden
till 12:30 p.m. tomorrow,
- and I'll make it $251.
- Whoa.
But if Calvin finds me
before then, you get nothing.
You really think Mom and
Dad will let us get a dog
- if we have that money?
- Sure, that'll cover
a couple months' expenses.
And then do you really think
they'll want to give an
adorable little fur-ball back?
I mean, they kept Tina, and
she can't even shake a paw.
I'm working on it.
BOB: Well, hello, eggs.
"Hi!" You guys ready to be
in some amazing frittatas?
"We sure are!"
You guys seem pretty egg-cited.
Get it? (laughs)
"You're really funny!" Thank you.
Hey, Bob, if you're
done talking to the eggs,
come out here and take a look at this.
Sorry, I have to go talk to my wife.
"Run away with us, Bob."
I can't. Well, maybe.
W-We'll see.
(hums) Is it great or what?
I even drew a
- little champagne glass, you see?
- _
Good morning, sleepy-beepies!
Oh, hey, Mom and Dad.
How are you? Good morning.
You guys sure got up early
and snuck out of the house.
How's it going? Have you
been down in the basement?
Um, yeah, of course we have. Why?
Oh, cool. Very cool.
How was it?
It was the basement.
What the hell is going on?
(giggles nervously) Not
much. How are you doin'?
Um, you guys are acting really weird.
(laughs) You're acting really weird.
Okay, well, can someone go get
me some tomatoes from the walk-in?
- Me!
- On it!
Yep!
- What was that all about?
- Oh, it's probably all part
- of this dog thing.
- Oh, right.
We're never getting a dog, right?
- No way.
- Okay, good.
If anything, maybe a monkey.
- Right. Wait, what?
- Monkey.
Felix, it's us, Tina, Louise,
and Gene Belcher from upstairs.
FELIX (muffled): I'm back here!
(grunting)
He's like a human Karma Chameleon.
(winded): I had to tuck
myself in here this morning
when your parents came down.
But I had a nice head
of lettuce for breakfast,
and I'm feeling okay.
Aren't you cold?
Yes! I think I might lose a toe.
But it'll all be worth
it to see the look
on Calvin's dumb, warm face
when I break his record.
Okay, you need warmer clothes.
We can get some, but we'll
have to distract Mom and Dad
so they don't ask questions.
We could say something like,
"Don't look in the basement.
There's no man down there." Huh?
Here are those tomatoes
you ordered, Father.
And now we're going to just
pop upstairs for a second
because we have a
little surprise for you.
Good surprise or bad surprise?
Eh, surprise me.
Y'all ready for this?
Introducing...
(humming fanfare)
- ... Brunchsquatch!
- (Gene humming)
LINDA: Oh, my God, I
love it! Brunchsquatch!
Aw! Cute little construction
paper bacon and eggs.
- Bob, do you love it?
- Yeah, it's a good idea.
We can send him outside
to drum up business.
Okay, Brunchsquatch
distraction was a success.
(grunting)
- Little help?
- (grunting)
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. In.
Ooh, look, a line!
We're like a nightclub!
Or an understaffed drugstore.
That's great! In your face, Jimmy.
Okay, quick meeting,
everybody. Gather round.
Wh-Where's Louise?
- Bathroom.
- Mexico.
All right, well, when she's
back, she's running food.
Linda, you greet 'em and seat 'em.
Tina, you're on busing and water
and picking up weird
stuff off the floor.
How do I know if it's weird?
Like that Band-Aid. Weird? Not weird?
Gene, you go outside, do
your thing, and bring 'em in.
I'll shake my little
benedicts! Bum, bum, bum!
No, no, no. Don't
don't do that. Just...
- No, no, no.
- Roar! I'm a little tiger!
- Gene, don't do that. No, no.
- I'm a sexy little tiger.
- Don't do that.
- Yeah!
- Please, no. Just get customers.
- Shake, shake, shake.
I'll be in the kitchen,
making the world's best brunch.
On three. One, two...
Okay, you're - you're opening the door.
Hello! I'm Linda.
Welcome to Bob's Burg...
- (singsongy): I'm here!
- Oh.
Dame Judi Brunch, as
you live and breathe.
Yes, it's really me.
Yes, I'm really here.
Yes, let's really have brunch.
(chuckles): I'm sorry. Dame
Who-Di-what? What is it?
Wait. Oh, my God. This is adorable.
You don't know who I am.
I don't.
She doesn't know who
I am. Okay, I love you.
Um, okay, of course, this
is your first brunch day,
so how could you? My
real name is Dalton,
but I write a blog, Brunch Drunk Love,
- under the name Dame Judi Brunch.
- Wow!
And this is Jennifer,
other Jennifer, and Greg.
- Hello.
- [IN UNISON] Hi.
So you said you write a brunch
blog. I'd love to see that.
How do I find it? Do I, uh...
I blog dot net or something?
Or I just print it out? Or what do I do?
(laughs): Oh, my God, so funny!
Okay, now, what is that?
What am I looking at?
- (grunting)
- That is my son. He's Brunchsquatch.
Stop it. I'm dying.
No, you stop it. Don't die.
I won't. I'm dying. I won't stop.
Okay, so, first things first,
bring us two mimosas each.
And we'll look at the
menu. Never stop being you.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I just met a blogger.
♪ ♪
Wow, it's really filled up!
We're having a buncha brunch!
Linda, this orange juice
tastes a little off.
Well, it's got champagne in it, Teddy.
What? I had four of 'em!
Well, why'd you drink so many
if you thought they tasted weird?
- I wanted to fit in.
- Oh, you. Ooh, you want a little more?
Maybe. Maybe half a glass.
Linda, where are the orders?
Well, no one's ordered food yet.
They sure love the Mom-osas though, huh?
- Louise, there you are.
- What? Nothing.
O-Kay. Uh, go take some orders.
These people need to have
food with their alcohol.
You got it.
- (bell jingles)
- (gasps)
Oh, hello, little Belcher!
Thought I'd stop by for brunch.
I left something here yesterday,
and I've come back for him.
Mr. Fischoeder, hello!
Um, do you want brunch?
Yes. One brunch, please, Linda.
I've been searching for
brunch all over town,
and I've come to believe it's here.
It is... here.
So, I'm gonna go get you a Mom-osa.
- Get it? (chuckles)
- You get it.
- (chuckling)
- (chuckling): I will, I will.
So, child of Bob,
where do you think that sneaky
little brunch might be hiding?
Well, landlord of Bob, I don't
know what you're talking about.
Am I drunk or are you guys
having a weird conversation?
- Both.
- Both.
So, some news.
You're gonna want to stay put,
because your brother is upstairs.
- What?!
- It's okay.
He's way up there, and
you're way down here.
You don't understand!
He's like a bloodhound.
And now I'm trapped.
Geez. Calm down. Gah.
I will take care of this.
Just stay here, stay warm,
and, for God's sake, stop
eating all the lettuce.
It's not even washed.
"Why aren't more people
ordering us, Bob?"
I-I have no idea, eggs.
I mean, I'm sure they will v-very soon.
- Order up. Tell your eggs.
- Okay. Here we go.
One frittata for table five.
Wait, there's, like, seven people
crammed in that booth.
They just want one frittata?
LINDA: Guess they aren't hungry.
So far, the only person who
ordered a lot is The Dame.
His table got one of everything.
Wait. Why are you
calling him "The Dame"?
He's Dame Judi Brunch and
he runs a blog about brunch.
- Oh, cool.
- Back off. He's mine.
I'll go ask him what we're doing wrong.
Maybe we didn't make the right
kind of food or something.
Shh, shh. Don't listen to her, eggs.
You guys are perfect.
"We don't like her."
She's just jealous of us. "We know."
All right. We need to
figure out a way to get Felix
out of the basement without
Mr. Fischoeder seeing him.
This seems like what the phrase
"Hey, look over there" was born for.
Whew, I need to pee
and I feel like I
shouldn't do it out there
on the sidewalk... again.
People did not like that.
(gasps) Yes, Gene, that's it.
You do need to pee.
I love how excited you are about this.
No, no, no, listen, listen. Come here.
So, why did you agree
to hide Felix, Louise?
- Did he offer to pay you?
- Did who offer to pay me?
(quietly): And do you
want to pay me more?
(laughs) No, I-I-I don't need to.
My hide-and-seek record
has stood for 15 years.
The closer it gets to 12:30,
the more fun it will be
to see his face when I find him.
- And I know exactly where he is.
- Oh, really?
Yes. He's in the basement.
What? That's crazy.
(laughing nervously): Well, he's...
And I'll be there, too, very soon.
But for now, I'm going to sit
here, drink this terrible mimosa
and let him think that he's
going to make it to 12:30.
Well, I better go before
I embarrass myself.
You know what? Maybe I'll just...
So, Dame, how do you like your food?
Where do we fall on the brunch-o-meter?
How do I like this
brunch? How do I... ugh.
- How can you even ask me that?
- Oh, I mean, uh...
I don't like it.
- I love it.
- You do?
The Frittata Have
Faith? The Waffle Truth?
I almost literally never say this word,
- but this brunch is amazeballs.
- He says that all the time.
- He never says that.
- Wait. What?
Well, do you know why no one
else is ordering anything?
(laughter)
- Oh, no, Linda.
- Oh, no, what?
Linda, please tell me you
have a meal-per-P-minimum?
A PP what? A PP what?
Okay, okay. If you read my
blog, you would know this.
A meal per person minimum. Look around.
You've got a restaurant
full of brunch skunks.
Oh, no. Not brunch skunks!
What are those? What are those?
Oops. Ugh. We need new glasses!
That is a brunch skunk, Linda.
They're just here for
the bottomless mimosas.
You didn't say they
each had to order a meal,
so they've got empty stomachs,
and... (gasps) Oh, my God!
Are these drinks not watered down?!
Of course not. Who waters down a mimosa?
First of all, I know.
But second, it's brunch.
Okay? We went to that place
across the street yesterday.
I had 16 Bloody Marys
and I wasn't even buzzed.
- I had 20.
- She had 20.
We all drove home.
- Oh, my God.
- And once the skunks settle in,
it's almost impossible to kick them out.
They're like bedbugs.
I've seen brunch skunks
throw up in their booths,
and just keep drinking.
I've seen a boy brunch skunk
fight his way out of an ambulance
to try to get back into a
restaurant for more drinks.
This is bad, Linda.
This is very bad.
Oh, God. I got to go tell Bob!
Yes, you do.
But before you do that,
could you be a lil' cabbage
and grab us another round
of Mom-osas and some more
jalapeño aioli for our
burgers? Love you. (kisses)
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, okay!
Well, I guess it's time to
go crush someone's dreams.
- Mine?
- No. No, my good man.
- Someone clearly beat me to that.
- Oh, good.
Oh. Pardon me, breakfast monster.
Gene, wait. I-I need
your help. Stay here.
Bob, I'm going down to
check your basement for leaks
and Felixes and whatnot
before the winter season.
That's um, uh, okay.
- Bob! Bob! We got brunch skunks!
- What?
Brunch skunks! These people
just came for the drinks.
Skunky little booze hounds.
Miss, miss. We need
more drinks over here!
- That a brunch skunk?
- Yes, definitely a brunch skunk.
- (retches) Wait. Whose purse is this?
- (sighs) Oh, crap.
Okay, we can save this. We'll
just tell all these people
they have to go, and then
we'll seat everyone in line
and tell them that they
have to order a meal.
- Okay.
- Gene, go bus the tables.
Take every glass, even if it's full.
Louise, Tina, help your brother.
Sure. But shouldn't Gene
go back outside, probably?
No. No, no, no. W-We
need you guys in here.
- And, Linda.
- What?
You got to start giving out checks.
(sighs): I know, I know.
Be brave.
(singsongy): Felix. I'm gonna getcha.
I'm a-comin' to get you.
You'll never get away.
I got you now.
I can smell you breathing, Felix.
Caught you just at the last second.
- (screams) Hi.
- (screams)
Damn it!
So, this is your check.
I'm putting it down right here.
I don't remember asking for the check.
I want more drinks.
Okay, well, no.
We actually have to
cut you off. I'm sorry.
The sign says
"bot-tom-less drinks."
You can't just add a bottom.
That's illegal.
I'm calling 911.
I'm sorry, but you have to go.
In fact...
all of you, you all have to go!
Oh, Linda, no.
Ow, my face!
I'm gonna get my own drink.
LINDA: No, no, no. No,
you aren't. Sit down.
Ow, ow, ow. You're walking on my legs.
(gasps)
- Gotcha.
- Felix, run!
- No!
- (grunts)
Brunch brawl!
(crowd clamoring)
Mr. Fischoeder, what are
you doing?! Get off Gene!
- You rang?
- Gene? Wait.
- Who's in the suit?
- Felix Fischoeder.
(chuckles) Sure. Makes perfect sense.
- (cork pops)
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No! No, it's not me! It's not me!
I'm not Felix!
Ha! 12:29!
- 12:29!
- No!
(siren wailing)
911 is here!
Now you're gonna be in big trouble.
- So this is brunch, huh?
- I love it.
Ah, thank God they're all gone.
- The cops were nice.
- And we learned the police code
for brunch brawl: ten-ten over easy.
Well, you didn't beat my record,
but you still get a birthday
present, just like always.
Should we go pick out a car?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yay, car!
- (bell jingles)
I can't believe you guys
hid Felix in the restaurant
and we didn't even know.
Yeah, and we fed him
and took care of him.
Aw, that's nice.
So that probably means
we could get a dog?
It does not mean that at all.
(groans, sniffs) You
guys serving lunch yet?
Uh... Yeah, sure.
- Lunchsquatch!
- Yay!
- LINDA: And so I said,
- _
"I don't get hungry, I
get fun-gry." (laughs)
- Linda, that's amazing.
- (laughs)
I'm putting that on a
shirt, and I'm wearing it
- absolutely everywhere.
- (laughs)
Brunch is served.
Bob, I cannot believe you
cooked me a private brunch.
- Of all the private brunches
- (kids laughing)
I'm gonna go to this weekend,
this will probably be the best.
Oh. Well, uh, thanks for,
uh, bringing your dog.
- My-my kids appreciate it.
- (dog barks)
Yeah, here's a picture of
all of us and you and the dog.
Okay, what are you
guys doing to me there?
Oh, we're stabbing you
so we can keep your dog.
GENE: I'm using a pitchfork.
DALTON: I feel really unsafe right now,
- and that's not funny.
- (DOG BARKS)
Just kidding, I love it.
But am I wearing flip-flops? Because no.
LOUISE: Okay, everybody, start
stabbing on the count of three!
- GENE: ♪ I'm a little tiger ♪
- BOB: No, no, no, don't do that.
GENE: ♪ I'm a sexy little tiger ♪
Roar!
- BOB: Please, no.
- GENE: ♪ I'm a little tiger ♪
- CHORUS: ♪ I'm a little tiger ♪
- BOB: No, no, don't.
GENE: ♪ I'm a sexy little tiger ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake,
I'm a little tiger ♪
BOB: Gene, don't do that.
No, no, don't do that.
- GENE: ♪ I'm a sexy little tiger ♪
- CHORUS: ♪ Sexy little tiger ♪
- GENE: Yeah!
♪ I'll shake my little benedicts ♪
♪ I'm a little tiger ♪
♪ I'm a sexy little tiger. ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.