Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 17 - Zero Larp Thirty - full transcript

♪ ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

- How was school, kids?
- Actually pretty great.

So, there I was, at
the drinking fountain...

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, my day was better.

I won the contest I entered.

We won the lifetime supply of insoles?!

- No.
- Mm.

The Winthorpe Manor LARP.

Oh, I can't believe your
father and I get to stay

at the actual estate where
they film my favorite show



and we get to act like
the Winthorpe characters.

W-Wait. I-I knew
the first part.

Wh-What was the last part?

Act like the Winthorpe characters.

It still sounds wrong.

We get to stay at the house

where they film your favorite TV show.

Yes, and act like the
characters from the show.

What part of LARP don't you understand?

What's a LARP?

Live Action Role Play.

- Geez, Dad, read a book.
- Then act it out.

All the guests will be
in character all weekend.

Oh, God. Why-Why couldn't
you have won a normal contest?



Because this is the show I love, Bob.

Winthorpe Manor is the
American Downton Abbey.

I thought that was Mike & Molly.

TINA: It weaves a colorful tapestry

of what life was like in 1901

for America's wealthiest textile family

and the men and women who had
the privilege to serve them.

Tina, maybe you should go instead of me.

- Okay.
- Oh, sorry, baby, kids can't go.

I guess they didn't have kids in 1901.

They were all working in factories,

getting covered in soot.

Ooh, lucky?

So, who's watching us this weekend?

A pushover? Not a pushover?

We prefer a pushover.

Your good friend, Teddy.

Ah, the pushover-est.

All right, off we go back in time.

Try not to alter the future.

I hope you packed toilet paper.

- I think back then it was just sheep.
- I always do.

Lin, it's been 3 hours
of this theme song

I know. (gasps)

Look, Bobby, there it is.

Winthorpe Manor.

BOB: That is... wow.

I'm telling you, Bobby,

this is the life I was supposed to have.

I was born a hundred years too late.

God's done some good work,
but he screwed up my birthday.

(panting): Hi!

Are you LARPers?

We are. I'm Marshall.

- Nancy.
- Charlene.

I'm Linda. (exhales)

Whoa, look at me.

I'm wheezing up a storm,
like Bernice, the cook,

when the squirrel got into her pantry.

(all laughing)

(sighs)

Oh, I-I-I've never
seen the show.

(gasp)

I know. I know. It's awful. It's awful.

TEDDY: There we are.

All done. We are gonna have
a weekend of fun with this thing.

Gene, you want to wear
the engineer's hat?

Mm, yeah.

Nope, I'm gonna wear it.
I'll let you wear it later.

All aboa... (screams) Whoa!

Oh, it's my back.

I-I threw it out.

Should we call a doctor?

- Or just go ahead and put you down?
- No, no, no.

I-I just need to lie here
for a couple of hours.

It fixes itself.

I get it, bro.

I do that even when my back's not out.

(shouts) Sure, this isn't ideal,

but we'll still have fun.

Tell me, what-what's the train's doing?

Uh, it's going around.

(laughs) I knew it.

So, did you just die when you
found out you won the contest?

Yes! I died and now I'm in...

♪ Heaven. ♪

Hey, where's your plus one?

Oh, we do separate
LARPs. It works for us.

Did everyone here win the contest?

No, just Linda and Nancy.

The rest of us have the honor

of paying a lot of money
for this experience.

(gasps) Look. Someone's coming.

Esteemed paying guests
and contest winners,

I welcome you to Winthorpe Manor.

My name is Mr. Perkins and I
am the master of ceremonies.

Do we have any experienced
LARPers in the group?

Right here. My name's Ernie.

I've done the, uh, Star
Wars LARP, the Tolkien LARP,

the, uh, World According to Garp LARP...

Okay, so then you know that
while you're here, you will be

randomly assigned characters.

You will sleep in the room

- of your character...
- (gasps)

- ... eat the food they ate...
- Mmm.

... and wear their clothes.

(gasps) I can't believe it.

(gasps) William, the under-butler.

Oh, I love William.

I'll be the best William I can be,

with a keen sense of duty,

and I'm deaf in my
right ear starting now.

- Oliver, the footman.
- What?

Oh, uh, Oliver the footman.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, hello, Oliver.

Oh, I'm so nervous. Okay, here it goes.

Okay, oh... (gasps)

Wow, Nancy, Mrs. Winthorpe.

Good for you.

I can't believe it. Come on, Linda,
let's see who you get to be.

Okay, here I go.

Iris, Mrs. Winthorpe's maid.

Goodie, we'll be working together.

Well, I won't be working.

You will, for me, but
we'll be together. Yay!

Ah, I'm friggin' Mr. Winthrop. Score.

Would all the upstairs characters

please get into the auto?

- Is another car coming for us?
- (laughing): Oh.

An automobile is a luxury.

Most servants go their entire
lives without riding in an auto.

Right, right, right, sure.

The long walk will allow us
to talk about current events.

Did you hear about those
crazy Wright brothers?

They're calling it an "aeroplane."

More like wrong brothers.
Am I right, Footman Oliver?

Oh, God.

MARSHALL: How's your syphilis?

BOB: Um, uh, it's clearing up.

Don't you all look absolutely amazing.

I trust everyone's
comfortable in your wardrobes?

Uh, my uniform is itchy
and it smells like mold.

As it would have
in 19-aught-one,

when a servant of your
stature would have worn it.

Oh. Now, just a couple
of topics to go over.

While our LARP has been granted
access to every nook and cranny

of this famous manor, there
are just a few restricted areas:

the south wing, the east
wing, the central corridor

and the entire third,
fourth, and fifth floors.

Oh, whew, at least we get to go

into the gorgeous library, right?

Oh, the library is
especially off limits.

We're not even supposed
to look in there.

- Huh.
- And tomorrow we have a

big day planned. Upstairs guests
and their personal servants

will be allowed to walk
through the famous tulip garden.

That's you and me.

Thank God, I was beginning to think

I wasn't gonna get to
do anything exciting.

Why is a walk through the
tulip garden "exciting"?

The tulip garden is
the pride of the manor.

All major plot twists
happen in the tulip garden.

It's where Humphrey professed
his love to Jacqueline

- on the eve of his wedding to Cicely.
- Got it. Thank you.

And we'll conclude this
LARP with quite a bang,

a decadent seven-course meal,

and the dessert is Mrs.
Winthorpe's favorite...

ALL: Seven-layer parfait flambé.

It's a seven-layer parfait flambé.

That's right. The
upstairs guests will enjoy

an exact recreation of
the two-foot-high parfait

that was served in the season finale.

It is now cocktail hour
in the drawing room.

Ooh, cocktail hour in the drawing room.

Oh, which is for upstairs guests.

Oh, right.

Remember, people, this is your LARP.

Bring your characters to life.

And, Mr. Winthorpe,
our cooks were, in fact,

able to provide you with
a gluten-free experience.

Nice.

How's that steamed
broccoli coming along?

LOUISE: Nice and steamy.

Great, 'cause I promised your folks

that I'd feed you healthy meals.

And we appreciate it.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Does anyone else feel a little bad?

I mean, I know we wanted a
pushover for a babysitter,

- but this is...
- Perfect?

- 'Cause we got a fall-over.
- Right.

Should we at least bring him dinner?

Sure. Hey, Teddy!

- Teddy!
- TEDDY: Yeah?

You want some dinner?!

Yeah, that'd be great,
but not that healthy crap.

- Just bring me some ice cream.
- Oh.

I hear this stew is the only dish

us servants get to eat all weekend.

It's everything a servant
needs, right, Iris?

It's got all your salt for the day.

It's time to serve dinner upstairs.

But we just started eating.

- Spoons down!
- Aah!

(whispering): This looks
a lot better than the stew.

(whispering): Let's
drop some on the floor

- and come back for it later.
- Good idea.

Oh. That's the Burgundy glass.

- Oh, right.
- Oh, Bordeaux.

At least she knows that
wine goes in a glass.

- (laughs)
- (chuckles)

Honey, Iris was kicked
in the head by a horse.

- She was?
- Yeah. In season two.

Oh, right, right, right.

Well, I think the lint
pickers are fairly compensated.

- Right, babe?
- Um, yes, dear.

Five cents a day is
nothing to sneeze at.

Five cents a day?

It appears the footman has
an opinion on the matter.

Eh. Go ahead, speak up.

Oh, w-well, I just think that
with a house this, uh, grand,

you could afford to
pay your workers more.

What's your name, footman?

Uh, Bob. I mean, I... Oliver.

I like your moxie, Oliver.

The men will be retiring
to the drawing room

for cigars and brandy now.

Come join us.

Oh, no, that-that's okay.

Yeah, it's valuable for us wealthy men

to understand a worker's perspective.

Yes, and you have a
fine, vigorous mustache.

You clearly come from superior stock.

Oh, uh, thanks, I guess.

Have fun talking men
stuff in the drawing room,

which I haven't even seen yet.

I'm not gonna have fun, Lin.

I don't like brandy or cigars.

One sip, one puff and I'll
meet you back in our room.

I love cigars and brandy!

I finally get why
people want to be rich!

TEDDY: Is it getting late?

Is it bedtime yet?

Uh, not quite.

- It's definitely not 1:00 a.m.
- Mm-mm.

(groans) Well, I cannot
keep my eyes open.

I don't know why.

Can you toss a blankie my way?

And if I could just trouble you

for your least favorite
plastic receptacle

and a smidge of privacy.

Why? Oh. Mom's salad spinner?

That'll work.

- Lin.
- Shh. I'm trying to sleep.

(whispering): Sorry. Lin.

What?

I get the appeal of this
place. Hey, when we get home,

I want to watch
Winthorpe Manor with you.

What are you doing?

Oh. Brushing my livery.

One of the upstairs
guys lent me this brush.

They invited me on the stroll

through the tulip garden tomorrow.

(sighs) I'm glad you're having fun.

What's the matter?

It's just not how I
pictured this weekend.

I mean, I serve people
every day in the restaurant,

and I thought I was
finally gonna get a chance

to feel like a wealthy upstairs lady.

(sighs) At least I have
the tulip garden stroll

to look forward to.

Well, if you get all
your work done, I guess.

- (bell ringing)
- I mean, you are behind.

Uh, Mrs. Winthorpe is
ringing for you, Iris.

Ugh, what does she want?

I don't know.

I've been ironing the newspaper,

which I'm not good at.

You rang?

I'd like another pillow.

Would you be so kind as to fetch me one?

Uh, sure.

- (snoring)
- (bell ringing)

Really?

You'd better fetch me a bed wine.

A bed wine? Right away.

- (snoring)
- (bell ringing)

Aw, come on.

Maybe one more bed wine.

No, a bed gin.

You know what, just bring them both.

Mm-hmm.

Here's just a bunch of everything

so no need to ring
that bell anymore, 'Kay?

I see. (clears throat)
That'll be all then.

Good night, Maid Iris.

Good night. (grumbles)

- What was that?
- Sweet dreams.

TEDDY: Morning, kids!

Oh, wow, you're still right there.

Okay, maybe we should let someone
besides the floor heal you.

(groans) Fine. I guess I should go

to my chiropractor, Dr. Juarez.

He's just a few blocks away.

But how are we gonna get you there?

Huh. You kids have a gurney?

Oh, we just got rid of all our gurneys.

(groans) Aw, man.

Uh, well, we're gonna
have to build one, then.

Okay, you may have us confused with kids

who know things or do stuff.

Yeah, we're not gurney MacGyvers.

LINDA: Here we go, tulip time.

And why exactly are you here?

Oh, I was, uh, invited
to join the stroll.

Oh, not you, Footman Oliver, her.

The chambermaids are allowed to
come on the tulip garden stroll.

They are, but you aren't
my chambermaid anymore.

I'm not?

No, after last night,

I decided to replace you with someone

who actually wanted the position.

Wha? Charlene?

Be excited for me, Linda.

You'll have whatever
Charlene's position was.

- Wha?!
- Lin, I'm so sorry.

I-I know how much you
were looking forward to it.

Oliver, you coming or not?

Uh, I'll stay behind if you want me to.

No, go, go. One of us should go.

You sure? 'Cause, I mean,

I hear the tulips are in pre-bloom,

which is supposedly even
better than full bloom.

- Coming!
- Ugh!

Nancy and those upstairs fart-faces

are walking all over us.

Well, Iris, I don't know any Nancy

and I'm not familiar
with the term "fart-faces."

Oh, come on, Marshall!

I know you're in there.

And I know you're just
as mad about this as I am.

Okay, fine, I am angry.

I paid good money to
be here, and for what?

To put some guy's socks on for him?

He can't put his own socks on?

They're socks.

Put 'em on yourself, Paul!

We didn't come to Winthorpe
Manor to snip wicks.

- No, we did not!
- OTHERS: No!

The servants have been
stuck downstairs long enough!

Yeah! Yeah, it's true.

It's time we go upstairs!

ALL: Yeah!

Wait, what do you mean?

I'm talking about a revolt.

I'm talking about a worker uprising.

ALL: Yeah!

But first, let's finish
snipping these wicks

and clean up all the wicks
so it's nice and neat.

- All right.
- Yeah!

MARSHALL: Are we sure about this?

A worker uprising
just seems so impolite.

Yes, Marshall.

We're making this LARP ours.

Oh, wow, those were some tulips.

More like "three-lips." (laughs)

That-That's... that's what
we were saying in the garden.

You-You had to be there.

Wait, what's going on?

Can we trust him?

Yeah, I think so.

The servants are gonna revolt.

I see. Hmm, interesting.

Sure, the servants have been mistreated,
no one's gonna argue that,

but we're all experiencing life

in one of the great American houses.

Will you stop pointing that
thing around when you talk?

Doesn't make you sound smarter.

Yes. It. Does.

So what's the plan?

How are we gonna pull off an uprising?

Uh, we got to hit 'em where it hurts.

(gasps) Dinner.

We're gonna eat their dinner.

Yes! Tonight is the seven-course dinner

with the seven-layer parfait flambé!

- Oh, wow, they're gonna be pissed.
- Good!

But they're not gonna just
let us eat their dinner.

Right, we got to find a way
to get them out of the house.

Well, they're gonna be out of
the house at the shooting party.

Shooting party?

Yeah, they're all going to
shoot clay pigeons later.

I mean, I was gonna go also.

I-I don't know how this
revolt affects all that.

I really kind of want to do both.

- (growls)
- Mostly this.

All right, so they're already
gonna be out of the house,

we just need to keep
'em out of the house.

I've got a plan!

Does it involve you
shooting clay pigeons?

Yes, it does because I've
always wanted to do that.

But I've got an idea that will happen

right after it's my turn to shoot.

So you guys are sure it's okay
to take off the bathroom door?

Eh, it's my least favorite
door, it just slows you down.

You got the hammer
and the screwdriver?

TINA: Yep.

Just start at the bottom
hinge and do like I told you.

Tap, tap, tap.

Tapping!

Now remember,

someone's got to hold
the door or else...

- (crash)
- TINA: Aah! I'm okay.

Now just flop me my belly,
then flop me on the door.

Just line up the door
for the money flop.

Isn't it gonna hurt to move you?

Tremendously. But no matter
how much I cry, keep rolling me.

- Here goes.
- (kids groaning, Teddy yells)

Aah! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Aah! Stop!

Stop! Aah!

- Here comes the second flop.
- (kids groaning)

Aah! (groaning in pain)

That was horrible.

But I'm on the door.

On the door-ish.

- Wha?
- TINA: We'll get it this time, Teddy.

I think I know what we did wrong.

Are you sure the three of us are
strong enough to lower you down?

Yup. Ropes and pulleys, simple machine.

Yeah, if anything,
this is almost too safe.

Go ahead, start letting out the rope.

Go slow.

TINA: It's working.

We did it! High-five!

No, no, no! No high-fives!

Hands on ropes!

(grunting)

Oh, boy. Wheels.

We forgot, we forgot wheels!

How you doing?

Good morning.

Pull!

(gunshot, smash)

Oh, that's fun!

- Pull!
- (gunshot, smash)

Oh, that's fun again!

Ugh, come on, Bobby, anytime now.

Uh, y-you guys keep shooting,

no need to look at Footman Oliver

going about his servant stuff.

(coughs) Whoops, syphilis cough.

Let's fire up the engine.

(engine starts)

What's happening?

- Why are the servants in the auto?
- Eh?

- Iris?
- Bob, let's go!

Footman Oliver, what's going on?

Yeah, I-I better see
what that's all about.

It's a servant uprising!

We're gonna eat your dinner.

Our end-of-LARP seven-course dinner?

Our end-of-LARP seven-course dinner.

(all panting)

But we're still on

for cigars and brandy later, right?

- LOUISE: Coming through, people!
- (Teddy groaning)

Make way!

Move your stroller!

Teddy, no one's looked
this good on a door

since Kate Winslet in Titanic.

How's the patient?

The pain levels are through the roof.

But this view is unbeatable.

It took throwing out
my back to appreciate

how beautiful the power
lines are in this...

Aah! In this town!

Aah!

LOUISE: We're here. Wait, what?

KIDS: Closed?!
TINA: Look, he left a note.

"Closed today for my niece's

- quinceañera."
- Aw.

Ah, dang it, today's
Teresa's quinceañera?

Juarez has been talking
about that for months.

I bet they're tearing the
roof off that rec hall.

I can't believe we came all
this way only to be stopped

by a beautiful rite of passage.

We're not.

We're going to that quinceañera!

I'm not dressed for that!

LINDA: Did you lock all the doors?

Yes, there were so
many, but they're locked.

It started raining out there.

And it's getting dark.

- I hope the guns are okay.
- All right,

who's hungry?

- (all cheer)
- All right, all right, calm down.

Mm. This feels so wrong
but tastes so right.

Would anyone mind if I
smoked between courses?

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Oh, now I get that.

There's only one course left,
and we all know what it is.

(squeals) Mrs. Winthorpe's
seven-layer parfait.

Now let's flambè that sucker.

- NANCY: Drop that match!
- Uh... (stammers)

blow it out and then
drop it, or just drop it?

I'm-I'm gonna blow it out first.

Marshall! (whispers): Sorry.

How'd you even get in?
The doors were all locked.

Not the aviary.

Damn it, Charlene.

There were so many doors.

Wow, you guys made good time.

Where the hell'd you
get that pocket watch?

Oh, I-it's on loan from the estate.

My character Oliver uses it, so, yeah.

That parfait is ours.

We put up with your crap all
weekend; the parfait is ours.

Eating our friggin' seven-course
meal wasn't enough?

No, it wasn't!

(grunts) What the hell
has gotten into you people?

Oh, and mud is getting
tracked into the dining room!

I can kiss that cleaning
deposit good-bye.

LARPs aren't supposed to have uprisings.

He's right.

Look, wait, stop, everyone.

Yes, we did enjoy the
seven-course dinner,

so maybe we can share the
parfait together, as equals.

Equals? Ha!

You silly, simple woman.

Now clean me off and
feed me that parfait.

Nancy,

don't you remember what it was
like we before we came here?

No! We've always been here.

- Oh, boy.
- Get that parfait!

I tried! Come on, servants!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Off limits! You're going off limits!

LARP time-out. LARP time-out.

(sighs) I'm guessing
you haven't been sleeping

with a pillow between your
knees, like we talked about?

Dr. Juarez, I always
appreciate your tips,

and I know we're crashing
your beautiful quinceañera,

but I just need you to crack my back.

Fine, fine. Relax and let go.

- (groaning)
- You're not letting go.

Teddy, relax.

- I need you to let go.
- (exclaims)

(bones crack, relieved sighing)

- There we are.
- That's what I was looking for.

And if you can just tap
your two toes together.

Tap your big toes together.

(exclaims) (bones crack, Teddy yells)

That's what I'm looking for.

Teddy, can I try, can I try, can I try?

Not right now, Gene. Maybe later.

You did it, Doc.

Oh, you sweet, sweet angel, Dr.
Juarez.

Yes.

Have you changed your
policy about kissing?

Not yet, not yet.

(pants) There's got to be
a place to gobble this up.

The library. Quick, In there!

Eh, you're not supposed
to go in the library.

Bob!

All right, Marshall,
let's heat it and eat it.

- Will you look at that.
- Whoa.

- Just like on the show.
- (door rattles)

Oh, you found us, huh?

(groaning loudly)

The door's locked.

Enjoy the view.

(growls)

You'd better not.

Watch me.

Mmm.

(grumbling)

(distorted): That's my parfait!

Oh, my God!

(grunts)

No!

(all yelling and eating)

MR. PERKINS: That's it!

You're all kicked out!

(engine sputtering softly)

So... good LARP?

I loved it.

LINDA: You know,

I think we put that era on a pedestal

maybe a little too much.

Life was horrible back then

if you weren't in
the super-upper class.

I'm just glad that we live in a
time where there are no classes.

I-I get what you were going for.

Unrelated, we may have left the
bathroom door at the rec hall.

Wait, what?

But it's probably happier there.

Yeah, what kind of
life was it living here?

I mean, if that door could talk.

It'd better keep its damn mouth shut!

So, who wants to watch Winthorpe Manor?

Me! I'll get the brandy!

BOB: ♪ Winthorpe Manor ♪

LINDA: ♪ Winthorpe Manor ♪

BOB: ♪ Winthorpe Manor ♪

BOTH: ♪ Winthorpe
Manor, Winthorpe Manor ♪

♪ Winthorpe Manor ♪

BOB: ♪ It's Winthorpe Manor ♪

LINDA: ♪ Winthorpe Manor ♪

BOB: ♪ Break it down now ♪

(Bob beat-boxing)
LINDA: ♪ Winthorpe Manor ♪

♪ Don't forget your manners ♪

♪ Who's a party planner? ♪

♪ Climbin' up the social ladder ♪

BOTH: ♪ Winthorpe Manor... ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.