Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Sacred Couch - full transcript
Louise wants the family to get a new couch, but the family votes against it. So she decides to take care of the problem herself.
LINDA: Yay!
Family TV night.
Chippin' and sittin'
and channel flippin'...
it's everything we're good at.
Also windsurfing.
We never tried it,
but I think
we'd surprise ourselves.
I tried windsurfing once.
That's the whole story.
Shh. I love this commercial.
Everyone, shh.
I'm the Sofa Queen,
and I'm here to banish
your ugly furniture.
This child's bedroom
set offends me.
Off with his bed.
Boom! Just like that,
he's got a new bed.
That's a futon fit for a fool.
I'm gonna replace it,
but with a couch,
(mouthing): because normal
adults do not own futons.
Lin? Are you mouthing along
with the commercial? Shh!
(mouthing):
I command my subjects
to visit the Sofa Queen
Furniture Outlet.
Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.
Boi-oi-oi-oing!
Aw. I love the Sofa Queen.
Her sofas are firm
but they're fair.
Uh, Dad?
Yeah?
While we're on
the subject of couches,
maybe it would be a good
time for you and Mom
to have, you know, the talk? Oh.
What's she mean?
What talk?
Is this about how messy
Mom's purse has been?
I love balled-up receipts
as much as the next guy,
but come on!
No, Gene.
Um, Lin, you really love
the Sofa Queen, right?
Maybe we should
go to her store sometime.
Ooh, fun.
That would be fun.
And...? Dad...?
Uh, and while we're there,
maybe we could get a new couch.
What?!
No, Bobby, no. I love our couch.
It's family.
No, no, absolutely not. No.
We're family. And we're
sitting on the floor.
The couch smells
really bad, Lin.
It smells like memories.
Memory musk.
It smells like if all the food
we've spilled on it
had a war with all the butts
that sat on it.
(inhaling)
I'm mostly getting Dad.
The stuffing in the cushions
is all lumpy.
Well your cushions are
pretty lumpy, too, mister.
Aw, I love your lumps. Come on, let me
t... Come on, let me t... Ow, ow. Ow!
Mom, there's a damp
spot on the couch
that somehow never dries.
Ever!
It's always there!
Yeah, like magic. It's special.
Mmm!
We have a history
with this couch. Gene had his
first throw up on it, 'member?
(grunts)
I remember that happening
in an infinity pool,
but whatever.
Tina teethed on the armrest.
Remember that?
(mumbles)
Yeah, we called the pediatrician
to see if couch foam
was okay for babies.
He said no.
Aw, he did.
He said she could've
choked and died.
And you, Louise,
with your couch forts.
Fire!
Ugh, Mom, we get it.
The couch is just a thing.
And when things are old,
you get rid of 'em.
Like libraries.
Okay, I think the fairest way to
do this is to put it to a vote.
Everyone in favor of replacing
the couch raise your hand.
(growls)
Looks like
it's three to two, Bob.
Mom's right, Louise.
The couch is family.
You too, Gene?
Seriously?
You're asking me
to vote against Mom?
I know where
my butter's breaded.
That's my boy.
Come up on the couch with Mama.
Come on.
No!
I think I'm gonna
get some snacks.
Dad, you like snacks,
right? You snack, huh?
Uh, sure, sometimes.
(scoffing)
Why are you pulling me?
Ugh!
What happened out there, Dad?
Where-where were you?
Louise, I tried.
Not hard enough.
Look, we'll get rid
of the couch someday.
How?
Mom's never gonna give it up.
I don't know, maybe
something will happen to it.
Were you serious about the snacks?
'Cause I hid some
fudge pretzels from Gene,
if you're interested.
Back up. What-what do you mean,
something will happen to it?
I don't know. Maybe something
will happen to the couch
that'll make even your mom
want to get rid of it.
Right.
Accidents happen to
couches every day. Sure.
I bet that's true.
Mm-hmm.
Found 'em.
Ugh, Gene got to 'em.
And he left a note.
"Checkmate."
(snoring)
Oops! What am I doing?
(laughing):
Oops, I keep doing it.
Stop.
(sawing continues)
Yay, family TV night!
Why do we call it
family TV night
if we do it every night?
Louise, you sure you don't
want to join your mom
over here on the couch?
Uh, pass.
Fine. More couch for me.
Gene! Tina! Where are you?
Get in on this, babies.
First one on the couch
gets to pick the show.
You drive a hard bargain, woman.
I want something
with adult situations
but I'd settle
for mature themes.
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
Aah!
(distorted screams)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my word!
Oh, my God!
Couch?
Couch, say something!
Give it mouth to mouth!
Well, I guess we're getting
a new couch after all.
Yay!
Anyway. Yay.
(cries)
The couch was too beautiful
for this world.
I'm sorry, Lin.
What's that?
It's instructions for whoever
wants to take it home, Bob.
Oh. That's optimistic.
"Good with children.
Does not fold out into a bed.
Just folds out
because it's broken."
Oh, my God!
What happened here?
The couch is gone, Teddy.
Linda, Linda, Linda.
I am so sorry.
Oh, you know, I...
I-I just keep having
to tell myself it's-it's life.
It is. You know? It's natural.
It is. I got a recliner
that's getting on in years.
Might be time to start
making arrangements.
Come on, people.
Are we gonna stand around all day,
or are we gonna
go get a new couch?
Oh, hold your horses.
I want to be here
if anyone takes it.
Uh, I can keep an eye on it.
I'll be here all day.
Mr. Fischoeder hired me
to do some repairs next door.
The holistic healing
place that moved out
stripped all the copper
out of the walls.
Hmm. Still smells like
incense in there, though.
It's gonna be my most
relaxing day of work ever.
Anyway, I'll see
that the couch goes to a good home.
Aw, thank you, Teddy.
Yeah, thanks, Teddy!
Bye!
Wait, wait, I need
to get a picture.
And a lock of its hair.
Ooh, it's my hair.
Here we are.
The commercial
doesn't do the place justice.
Actually, it does.
(gasps) There she is. Oh.
Welcome to the Sofa Queen
Furniture Outlet.
What can I furnish
you with today?
Uh, is the Sofa Queen here?
My wife is a huge fan.
I'm afraid
she's not, at the moment.
Great. The queen's
not even here?
Oh, what's
the point of anything?
Well, the queen
might not be here,
but maybe you'd like to meet
her loyal servant
and brother-in-law,
the Sofa Jester.
That's me.
(humming a tune)
Well, this is kind of fun.
Right? Lin?
Maybe. Say what you
say in the commercial.
Oh, you mean: "Off Route 9
in Bog Harbor. Boi-oi-oi-oing!"
Again.
Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
I'm numb, say it
until I feel something.
Lin...
Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
One more time.
Okay, that's okay.
Thanks. Thanks. No, no, no.
We're done. Why? What?
Let's go browse around.
Oh, just browsing?
No, no, we're gonna, I mean,
we're definitely
gonna buy something.
No. It's okay, you're browsing.
Um, uh, no.
We're browsing until we buy.
I'll believe it when I see it.
BOB: Wow.
So many options.
It's like a rave for furniture.
(phone rings) Oh, it's Teddy.
Hi, Teddy.
Hi, Lin. It's Teddy.
Yeah. The couch, the couch!
How's the couch?
Uh, it's okay, it's
here with me now.
One guy showed some interest,
but he had a beard,
so I moved him along.
Ew, a beard.
Shoo, shoo! Some pigeons
just landed on it.
Oh! Get 'em off.
Get 'em off it! Hey, shoo. Shoo.
Aw, come on, get out of here.
Get out of here! Now pigeons.
Pigeons are on it now.
Get off the couch!
No, it was...
(stammers) No, no, no,
I'm yelling at the pigeons.
(stammers) You can't tell
what I'm doing here?
I'm yelling at the pigeons.
Officer, I'm yelling
at the pigeons.
Geez! Mom's got to pull herself
together and move on.
Give her some time.
She's in shock.
What happened to the couch
was such a weird freak accident.
(cackling)
Why are you laughing like that?
Weird freak accident?
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
You did that?
Did I weaken the wood
under the couch
by shaving it down with the file
Mom uses on your toenails?
No. Wink.
I can't believe it.
Well, you should, because
it was your idea, Dad.
What?! No, it wasn't.
(deep voice): Maybe something
will happen to the couch.
I get it...
You said that.
I said... But I didn't mean...
You ordered a hit.
You can't unorder it.
I did not order a hit, Louise.
You didn't want to dirty
your pretty hands,
but you're not gonna hang
me out to dry on this!
Oh, God, here she comes.
(whispering): This isn't over.
It is over,
'cause we're getting a new couch,
'cause I did
what you didn't have
the dumplings to do.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Lin.
Teddy said somebody in shorts
tried to sit on the couch.
He got there just in time.
That's great.
Well, uh, time to look around.
Look at all the high chairs.
That's the way to live.
Why does anyone
use low chairs anyway?
Yeah! All chairs
should have safety straps
and pictures of bears on them.
I'm gonna ask Mom and Dad
to buy one.
I'm sure I could still fit.
Ha! Good luck, Teenage
Mutant Teenager Legs.
Uh, look who's talking,
Girth Brooks.
I beg your pardon?
I've been a size six for years.
I bet I can still fit in
a high chair and you can't.
What's the winner get?
Hmm.
A week of piggyback rides?
You're on.
(both grunting)
Uh, uh, uh.
Huh?
SALESMAN: Let me guess,
high chair bet?
Uh...
Uh...
I've seen it before
and it doesn't end well.
Sorry, we'll get down.
No, please.
I support your foolhardy wager.
We have a "you break it,
you buy it" policy
and I work on commission.
Wow, what a nice guy.
So this is fun, right?
It's going pretty good.
You think so? We've
looked at 12 couches, Louise.
Your Mom yelled at three of them
and gave one the finger.
Ooh, try this one, Mom.
Take it for a spin.
I'll sit on it
because I'm tired.
This doesn't mean
anything, Mr. Couch.
No funny business.
Well? How does it feel?
Eh. Maybe this
one's not terrible.
Come here, come-come try it. Ha!
Yeah.
It does feel good.
It's all right. It's okay. Hmm.
Yeah, not bad.
Just browsing? Okay.
There you go. Walking away.
All right, coast is clear.
On the count of three,
jump into your high chair.
Is this how babies do it?
Fun babies. One...
This might be a bad idea.
Two...
I take it back,
it's a great idea!
BOB: Gene, Tina.
Ugh.
What does he want?
Oh! Found one you like, huh?
Well, you have excellent taste.
This might be the comfiest
couch in the store.
And I'm not just pushin'
cushions. Boi-oi-oi-oing!
Mm. Maybe no more boings.
Sorry.
Uh, guys,
try out this couch. Nice.
This is some real butt candy.
It doesn't drip
when you sit on it.
We'll take it. No need to wrap
it up, we'll wear it home.
Uh, how much does it cost?
Only $1,399.99.
Kids, get off.
Don't even look at it.
Well, n...
Wait, wait.
I could sell you this
floor model for $499.99.
Wow, now that's a good deal.
Boi-oi-oi...
Sorry.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm. Now there's no returns
and I have to point out
it does have a stain on it.
(all laugh)
We'll teach it what stains are.
So you'll take it?
Mom, are you okay with this?
Sure. Sure, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Terrific! I'll get
the paperwork.
And I'm supposed to do
my little jester dance
when I make a sale.
Uh, we're good. You sure?
It's quite playful.
Fine. Just go ahead,
yeah, yeah, do it.
♪ Yuh, gah-gah gah-gah, goy ♪
♪ Yuh, mm, hey, ma-mommy ♪
♪ Uh-ma, may, Na, byoya, oh! ♪
Linda, this is gonna be good,
right?
Yeah, you're right.
Maybe this was for the best,
you know? Who knows?
See, Dad? It worked.
What?
Hmm? What did yo...? Wait.
What did you say?
I don't know. What-what did
you... what did you say?
The... Wh-What?
You said, "It worked."
What... worked?
What worked?! All right, fine!
We put the couch
out of its misery!
It was dying anyway.
What?! What?! Oh, God.
But look at this!
Pretty new couch, right?
It's so pretty.
Who's "we?" Bob?
Mm. What?
"We put the couch out
of its misery." Who's we?
Wha-What?
I... I'm sorry. I... What?
Were you a part of this?
I would like to say,
I was just getting
fudge pretzels, and...
Checkmate!
I know, Gene.
And I did not mean
in any way to cause...
Monsters!
Monsters!
Linda! Wait!
(Linda mutters, cries, wails)
Okay. Perhaps I can throw in
some pillows and blankets,
'cause it looks like you're
gonna be sleeping on this couch.
Ha! Jesters.
Always gotta be on.
(panting): Linda! Wait!
You and Louise
killed the couch, Bob!
You Kevorkianed it!
Lin? Lin?
Look, I'm not good
at running around things,
so just stop, so we can talk.
Why'd you do it, Louise?
You played God,
and our couch wasn't even religious!
Oh, don't you two couch-huggers
start with me!
Huh.
That lady looks familiar.
GENE (gasping):
It's the Sofa Queen!
The leader
of the Ottoman Empire.
Excuse me. I got to see a sofa
queen about a drama queen.
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
Uh, your Royal Highness?
(fanfare plays)
Oh, my God, it's the Sofa Queen.
Curtsy time!
Oh, right.
(Gene and Tina groaning)
Is that your wife?
(sobbing)
What'd you do to her?
It's... uh, it's a long story.
I thought we were getting
a snack, and then, I...
Okay, okay, okay. Let the woman
with the crown talk her down.
She's really good at this.
She talked me into
marrying her sister.
That's why she's the queen
and you're not.
I know, I know.
You could never be queen.
I know!
(gasping, jabbering, wailing)
(sniffling)
Please don't blow your nose
on my display furniture.
(gasps) It's you.
Your Majesty, it's really you!
And it's really you,
lady crying
in the middle of a store.
Come on, make some room. (cries)
Oh, I don't like this.
We sell this?
Did you bring this?
I don't think so.
Not much we can do here.
Yeah, Sofa Queen's got this.
To the high chairs?
To the high chairs.
(whispering):
To the high chairs!
They did what?!
I know, right?
You don't do that to
a woman's couch!
The couch I raised my babies on!
Horrible! Hey, Bob!
Oh, no.
Uh, yes, Your Majesty?
What's wrong with you?
I didn't, um...
I wasn't thinking.
It's complicated 'cause I...
Don't touch that!
Sorry.
I got to say,
that sounds like
a special couch.
You got any pictures?
Yeah, I took one
this morning... here.
Look, there you go. Mm.
Oh, that's, uh...
Yeah.
Uh... Hmm.
Good couch, right?
It's got character.
Yeah, it's got character
splattered all over it.
Linda, that's what we call
in the industry a nasty couch.
Oh. Right. I gue...
I gue... I guess it's bad.
I guess it's bad.
(chuckles)
Okay, it's bad.
Linda, you're gonna think
I'm only trying to sell you
a new couch, and I am.
I'm the Sofa Queen.
But I think you know
what you gotta do.
What?
You know.
I do?
Yes.
New couch?
New couch.
I love you.
I know.
Give me huggies!
Too much.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Don't touch the queen.
Sor-Sorry. Sorry.
So it's really happening...
we're getting a new couch.
It is, and you are welcome.
We're actually
replacing Old Stinko.
Yup.
John Stain-mos.
Mm-hmm.
Old... Fartcatcher.
Okay, Dad, take it easy.
Back off a little.
Sorry, I-I got on a roll there.
(both yelling)
Get it off!
Get it off!
Why did we do this?!
It pinches! It pinches!
This can't be safe for babies!
(groaning)
(Tina and Gene groaning) Aah!
Why am I doing this?!
I knew I wouldn't fit.
What came over me?!
It's intoxicating!
Aah!
LINDA:
Come on, everybody eat faster
so we can start TV night
on the new couch!
Where are the napkins?
Do you mean the paper
towel roll?
Yeah.
This guy hangs out with a queen.
Now he's using napkins.
(sighs) Someone kicked
the paper towel roll down the hall.
Again. Louise, did you do that?
Kick the paper towel roll?
Of course.
It's a paper towel roll.
Right. Well, would
you get it, please?
Ugh! Fine!
Oh. Huh.
Hi. Well, this is awkward.
Just... not gonna
look out there again.
Oh, God, I looked.
I see you, okay?!
I know
what you're trying to pull,
looking all pathetic
on the curb.
But it's not gonna work.
I'll just close my eyes.
(laughs)
Okay, shouldn't have
closed my eyes.
Louise,
I need a paper towel, please.
Gene motorboated
his pasta again.
Oh.
Mm-hmm. Old couch.
Yup. It's gonna be fine, right?
Are you kidding?
It's gonna be great!
It's got a rich, full
life ahead of it.
Ooh!
Ooh!
It-It's gonna shake that off.
Yeah, that wasn't... that sad.
No.
There you are!
You missed the part of dinner
where we all put our plates
in the sink
and pretend
somebody's gonna do the dishes.
All right, new couch, here we come!
So this is
what it feels like
to sit upright.
It's nice.
The room looks different.
Oh, here comes another car.
Is it gonna...? Oh, God.
(water splashing)
It hit the puddle.
Looked like he went out
of his way to hit it.
What am I being so sappy about?
Sure I liked making couch forts,
but I can make forts
with the new couch.
Uh, actually, the cushions
don't come off.
Oh. Okay,
but the old couch is scruffy.
I mean... (scoffs)
we don't keep scruffy things
in this house, right?
Are you serious?
Oh, right.
Yeah.
It's like Scruff City.
Son of a bitch.
We gotta go get it.
Hmm. Sounds like you just said,
"We've gotta go get it."
Like, right now.
What are you guys
talkin' about over there?
We gotta get the old couch back.
Oh, thank God.
I don't know
who I am on this couch.
Yeah! I don't like
who I am on this couch.
What?! Oh, no, no, no!
I wanted to keep the old couch,
but you told me I was nuts!
So we went through all this,
and now you think it isn't nuts?
It is pretty nuts, you guys.
I know, okay?
It's just, how can you not look
at that stinky old couch out
there and not want it inside?
It's... it's one of us.
Yeah! Old couch came out of Mom!
So, you do like the old couch?
No! It's a gross,
lumpy, dumpy
monster, and... aah!
Let's just go get it, okay?
Uh... all right.
Let's go!
Let's do it!
Oh, my God, it's gone!
LINDA, GENE, TINA and LOUISE:
What?!
Good news! Someone
picked up the couch!
No! No! No!
You guys react weird to good news.
GENE: Yes!
Where the freak is our couch?!
It was here just a second ago.
Yeah, these guys came and got it.
I would've told you,
but I didn't want to interrupt
your time with the new couch.
Those first moments
of bonding are so important.
Who was it?
Some teenage boys.
They were in a band.
Exchange me for the couch.
I'm willing to make
that sacrifice.
No, Tina.
A band?!
Why did they want our couch?
Probably to sit on.
Lazy band.
They invited me to their show.
It's next Friday
at the Ear Drum.
I haven't been
to a rock show in a while.
What do I wear? Are sleeveless
shirts still cool?
We've got to go to the Ear Drum
and see if anyone knows
how to find these guys.
Yeah. Or we could
just go back upstairs
and think about all the good
times we had with the...
Come on, we're going!
Let's go! Mm-hmm.
Yeah, scope it out.
Pay attention to the shirts.
Sleeves? No sleeves?
Let me know!
It's four teenage boys.
They're playing here
next Friday.
Oh, I know those guys.
Yeah, w-what do they call
themselves now?
They're-they're always
changing their name.
Uh, used to be
the Melon Smashers.
Then they were
the Vase Breakers.
Now they're called, um...
oh, yeah, yeah,
the Couch Burners.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, God.
The Couch Burners?
Those idiots are gonna burn
our couch and put it on their flyer!
Oh, they got your couch, huh?
Well, why'd you give
your couch to the Couch Burners?
Look: on both flyers,
they're standing
on the railroad tracks.
BOB: Hey, that's
the old train depot.
You're an old train depot!
Come on, people.
We got a couch to save.
(lighter clicks open)
After we get the shot
we're gonna use,
we should get one silly one,
just for sillies.
Oh, sure, yeah.
There they are!
Bunch of sick sofa psychos!
And there's the couch!
Get 'em, Dad!
Run, Bobby!
Why do I have to...?
Oh, fine.
(wheezing)
Excuse me! Hey!
Dude, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, I just...
Uh, are you the, uh,
Couch Burners?
Oh, my God,
have you heard of us?
Uh, I'm really sorry to do this,
but we need that couch back.
It's ours, and you're
not gonna burn it!
We found this thing
on the street.
Finders, keepers.
Keepers, burners.
It's gonna be immortalized
on our new flyer, so...
you're welcome.
Ha.
Listen, the couch has been
in the family a long time.
Please give it back to us.
Sir, I get it.
You love the couch.
Yes, we do.
But if you love something,
set it on fire.
Those are good lyrics, man.
I know, right?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa! No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What if we could get you
a different couch to burn, huh?
Yeah, yeah!
A buh-buh better couch!
Linda, you're not talking
about the new couch? Why not?
Yeah, Dad, why not?
'Cause it cost $499.99.
It's a floor model.
We can't return it!
Yeah, Bob. What did you think
we were gonna do with it
when we took the old one back?
I was imagining we'd prop
one couch up on the other one,
so it looked
like they were making love.
Aw.
Mmm!
Well, we could sell it.
Damn it, Dad! Do you want
the old couch back or don't you?!
(sighs) Okay, fine.
Wait, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on a second.
We don't know anything
about this new couch.
Yeah!
What's going on there?
Well, what do you need to know?
Well, like, can you burn it?
Um, yeah, you can.
Okay, we'll take it!
(flames crackling,
camera shutter clicks)
All right, guys, one more.
(camera shutter clicks)
No, you had your eyes closed
again, so... one more.
Here we go. All right,
eyes are still closed, so...
I... Still? Yeah, just open them.
You had them closed.
I so feel like my eyes are open.
Open your eyes and let me take this.
All right.
(camera shutter clicks)
All of you, closed.
Okay, we both... Guys, we got to
take it while it's still burning.
If you put one foot in front of
the other, you'll look thinner.
Yeah, that's perfect.
BOB: Ugh. We got the couch back,
Mom. We did it.
Yup. Who knows
a good upholsterer? Anyone?
I do know a good upholsterer.
He's on Cape Cod!
Quick fort while we're waiting
for new couch to burn?
Sure! Dibs on the spot
that smells like guacamole!
SINGER (speaking):
♪ If you love something ♪
♪ Set it on fire ♪
♪ Like a couch ♪
♪ Or your shoes ♪
LINDA: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
BAND (singing):
♪ If you love something ♪
♪ Set it on fire ♪
♪ If you love something ♪
♪ Set it on fire ♪
SINGER (speaking):
♪ If you love something ♪
♪ Set it on fire ♪
BAND (singing):
♪ But safety first! ♪
♪ Safety first! ♪
Family TV night.
Chippin' and sittin'
and channel flippin'...
it's everything we're good at.
Also windsurfing.
We never tried it,
but I think
we'd surprise ourselves.
I tried windsurfing once.
That's the whole story.
Shh. I love this commercial.
Everyone, shh.
I'm the Sofa Queen,
and I'm here to banish
your ugly furniture.
This child's bedroom
set offends me.
Off with his bed.
Boom! Just like that,
he's got a new bed.
That's a futon fit for a fool.
I'm gonna replace it,
but with a couch,
(mouthing): because normal
adults do not own futons.
Lin? Are you mouthing along
with the commercial? Shh!
(mouthing):
I command my subjects
to visit the Sofa Queen
Furniture Outlet.
Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.
Boi-oi-oi-oing!
Aw. I love the Sofa Queen.
Her sofas are firm
but they're fair.
Uh, Dad?
Yeah?
While we're on
the subject of couches,
maybe it would be a good
time for you and Mom
to have, you know, the talk? Oh.
What's she mean?
What talk?
Is this about how messy
Mom's purse has been?
I love balled-up receipts
as much as the next guy,
but come on!
No, Gene.
Um, Lin, you really love
the Sofa Queen, right?
Maybe we should
go to her store sometime.
Ooh, fun.
That would be fun.
And...? Dad...?
Uh, and while we're there,
maybe we could get a new couch.
What?!
No, Bobby, no. I love our couch.
It's family.
No, no, absolutely not. No.
We're family. And we're
sitting on the floor.
The couch smells
really bad, Lin.
It smells like memories.
Memory musk.
It smells like if all the food
we've spilled on it
had a war with all the butts
that sat on it.
(inhaling)
I'm mostly getting Dad.
The stuffing in the cushions
is all lumpy.
Well your cushions are
pretty lumpy, too, mister.
Aw, I love your lumps. Come on, let me
t... Come on, let me t... Ow, ow. Ow!
Mom, there's a damp
spot on the couch
that somehow never dries.
Ever!
It's always there!
Yeah, like magic. It's special.
Mmm!
We have a history
with this couch. Gene had his
first throw up on it, 'member?
(grunts)
I remember that happening
in an infinity pool,
but whatever.
Tina teethed on the armrest.
Remember that?
(mumbles)
Yeah, we called the pediatrician
to see if couch foam
was okay for babies.
He said no.
Aw, he did.
He said she could've
choked and died.
And you, Louise,
with your couch forts.
Fire!
Ugh, Mom, we get it.
The couch is just a thing.
And when things are old,
you get rid of 'em.
Like libraries.
Okay, I think the fairest way to
do this is to put it to a vote.
Everyone in favor of replacing
the couch raise your hand.
(growls)
Looks like
it's three to two, Bob.
Mom's right, Louise.
The couch is family.
You too, Gene?
Seriously?
You're asking me
to vote against Mom?
I know where
my butter's breaded.
That's my boy.
Come up on the couch with Mama.
Come on.
No!
I think I'm gonna
get some snacks.
Dad, you like snacks,
right? You snack, huh?
Uh, sure, sometimes.
(scoffing)
Why are you pulling me?
Ugh!
What happened out there, Dad?
Where-where were you?
Louise, I tried.
Not hard enough.
Look, we'll get rid
of the couch someday.
How?
Mom's never gonna give it up.
I don't know, maybe
something will happen to it.
Were you serious about the snacks?
'Cause I hid some
fudge pretzels from Gene,
if you're interested.
Back up. What-what do you mean,
something will happen to it?
I don't know. Maybe something
will happen to the couch
that'll make even your mom
want to get rid of it.
Right.
Accidents happen to
couches every day. Sure.
I bet that's true.
Mm-hmm.
Found 'em.
Ugh, Gene got to 'em.
And he left a note.
"Checkmate."
(snoring)
Oops! What am I doing?
(laughing):
Oops, I keep doing it.
Stop.
(sawing continues)
Yay, family TV night!
Why do we call it
family TV night
if we do it every night?
Louise, you sure you don't
want to join your mom
over here on the couch?
Uh, pass.
Fine. More couch for me.
Gene! Tina! Where are you?
Get in on this, babies.
First one on the couch
gets to pick the show.
You drive a hard bargain, woman.
I want something
with adult situations
but I'd settle
for mature themes.
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
Aah!
(distorted screams)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my word!
Oh, my God!
Couch?
Couch, say something!
Give it mouth to mouth!
Well, I guess we're getting
a new couch after all.
Yay!
Anyway. Yay.
(cries)
The couch was too beautiful
for this world.
I'm sorry, Lin.
What's that?
It's instructions for whoever
wants to take it home, Bob.
Oh. That's optimistic.
"Good with children.
Does not fold out into a bed.
Just folds out
because it's broken."
Oh, my God!
What happened here?
The couch is gone, Teddy.
Linda, Linda, Linda.
I am so sorry.
Oh, you know, I...
I-I just keep having
to tell myself it's-it's life.
It is. You know? It's natural.
It is. I got a recliner
that's getting on in years.
Might be time to start
making arrangements.
Come on, people.
Are we gonna stand around all day,
or are we gonna
go get a new couch?
Oh, hold your horses.
I want to be here
if anyone takes it.
Uh, I can keep an eye on it.
I'll be here all day.
Mr. Fischoeder hired me
to do some repairs next door.
The holistic healing
place that moved out
stripped all the copper
out of the walls.
Hmm. Still smells like
incense in there, though.
It's gonna be my most
relaxing day of work ever.
Anyway, I'll see
that the couch goes to a good home.
Aw, thank you, Teddy.
Yeah, thanks, Teddy!
Bye!
Wait, wait, I need
to get a picture.
And a lock of its hair.
Ooh, it's my hair.
Here we are.
The commercial
doesn't do the place justice.
Actually, it does.
(gasps) There she is. Oh.
Welcome to the Sofa Queen
Furniture Outlet.
What can I furnish
you with today?
Uh, is the Sofa Queen here?
My wife is a huge fan.
I'm afraid
she's not, at the moment.
Great. The queen's
not even here?
Oh, what's
the point of anything?
Well, the queen
might not be here,
but maybe you'd like to meet
her loyal servant
and brother-in-law,
the Sofa Jester.
That's me.
(humming a tune)
Well, this is kind of fun.
Right? Lin?
Maybe. Say what you
say in the commercial.
Oh, you mean: "Off Route 9
in Bog Harbor. Boi-oi-oi-oing!"
Again.
Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
I'm numb, say it
until I feel something.
Lin...
Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
One more time.
Okay, that's okay.
Thanks. Thanks. No, no, no.
We're done. Why? What?
Let's go browse around.
Oh, just browsing?
No, no, we're gonna, I mean,
we're definitely
gonna buy something.
No. It's okay, you're browsing.
Um, uh, no.
We're browsing until we buy.
I'll believe it when I see it.
BOB: Wow.
So many options.
It's like a rave for furniture.
(phone rings) Oh, it's Teddy.
Hi, Teddy.
Hi, Lin. It's Teddy.
Yeah. The couch, the couch!
How's the couch?
Uh, it's okay, it's
here with me now.
One guy showed some interest,
but he had a beard,
so I moved him along.
Ew, a beard.
Shoo, shoo! Some pigeons
just landed on it.
Oh! Get 'em off.
Get 'em off it! Hey, shoo. Shoo.
Aw, come on, get out of here.
Get out of here! Now pigeons.
Pigeons are on it now.
Get off the couch!
No, it was...
(stammers) No, no, no,
I'm yelling at the pigeons.
(stammers) You can't tell
what I'm doing here?
I'm yelling at the pigeons.
Officer, I'm yelling
at the pigeons.
Geez! Mom's got to pull herself
together and move on.
Give her some time.
She's in shock.
What happened to the couch
was such a weird freak accident.
(cackling)
Why are you laughing like that?
Weird freak accident?
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
You did that?
Did I weaken the wood
under the couch
by shaving it down with the file
Mom uses on your toenails?
No. Wink.
I can't believe it.
Well, you should, because
it was your idea, Dad.
What?! No, it wasn't.
(deep voice): Maybe something
will happen to the couch.
I get it...
You said that.
I said... But I didn't mean...
You ordered a hit.
You can't unorder it.
I did not order a hit, Louise.
You didn't want to dirty
your pretty hands,
but you're not gonna hang
me out to dry on this!
Oh, God, here she comes.
(whispering): This isn't over.
It is over,
'cause we're getting a new couch,
'cause I did
what you didn't have
the dumplings to do.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Lin.
Teddy said somebody in shorts
tried to sit on the couch.
He got there just in time.
That's great.
Well, uh, time to look around.
Look at all the high chairs.
That's the way to live.
Why does anyone
use low chairs anyway?
Yeah! All chairs
should have safety straps
and pictures of bears on them.
I'm gonna ask Mom and Dad
to buy one.
I'm sure I could still fit.
Ha! Good luck, Teenage
Mutant Teenager Legs.
Uh, look who's talking,
Girth Brooks.
I beg your pardon?
I've been a size six for years.
I bet I can still fit in
a high chair and you can't.
What's the winner get?
Hmm.
A week of piggyback rides?
You're on.
(both grunting)
Uh, uh, uh.
Huh?
SALESMAN: Let me guess,
high chair bet?
Uh...
Uh...
I've seen it before
and it doesn't end well.
Sorry, we'll get down.
No, please.
I support your foolhardy wager.
We have a "you break it,
you buy it" policy
and I work on commission.
Wow, what a nice guy.
So this is fun, right?
It's going pretty good.
You think so? We've
looked at 12 couches, Louise.
Your Mom yelled at three of them
and gave one the finger.
Ooh, try this one, Mom.
Take it for a spin.
I'll sit on it
because I'm tired.
This doesn't mean
anything, Mr. Couch.
No funny business.
Well? How does it feel?
Eh. Maybe this
one's not terrible.
Come here, come-come try it. Ha!
Yeah.
It does feel good.
It's all right. It's okay. Hmm.
Yeah, not bad.
Just browsing? Okay.
There you go. Walking away.
All right, coast is clear.
On the count of three,
jump into your high chair.
Is this how babies do it?
Fun babies. One...
This might be a bad idea.
Two...
I take it back,
it's a great idea!
BOB: Gene, Tina.
Ugh.
What does he want?
Oh! Found one you like, huh?
Well, you have excellent taste.
This might be the comfiest
couch in the store.
And I'm not just pushin'
cushions. Boi-oi-oi-oing!
Mm. Maybe no more boings.
Sorry.
Uh, guys,
try out this couch. Nice.
This is some real butt candy.
It doesn't drip
when you sit on it.
We'll take it. No need to wrap
it up, we'll wear it home.
Uh, how much does it cost?
Only $1,399.99.
Kids, get off.
Don't even look at it.
Well, n...
Wait, wait.
I could sell you this
floor model for $499.99.
Wow, now that's a good deal.
Boi-oi-oi...
Sorry.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm. Now there's no returns
and I have to point out
it does have a stain on it.
(all laugh)
We'll teach it what stains are.
So you'll take it?
Mom, are you okay with this?
Sure. Sure, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Terrific! I'll get
the paperwork.
And I'm supposed to do
my little jester dance
when I make a sale.
Uh, we're good. You sure?
It's quite playful.
Fine. Just go ahead,
yeah, yeah, do it.
♪ Yuh, gah-gah gah-gah, goy ♪
♪ Yuh, mm, hey, ma-mommy ♪
♪ Uh-ma, may, Na, byoya, oh! ♪
Linda, this is gonna be good,
right?
Yeah, you're right.
Maybe this was for the best,
you know? Who knows?
See, Dad? It worked.
What?
Hmm? What did yo...? Wait.
What did you say?
I don't know. What-what did
you... what did you say?
The... Wh-What?
You said, "It worked."
What... worked?
What worked?! All right, fine!
We put the couch
out of its misery!
It was dying anyway.
What?! What?! Oh, God.
But look at this!
Pretty new couch, right?
It's so pretty.
Who's "we?" Bob?
Mm. What?
"We put the couch out
of its misery." Who's we?
Wha-What?
I... I'm sorry. I... What?
Were you a part of this?
I would like to say,
I was just getting
fudge pretzels, and...
Checkmate!
I know, Gene.
And I did not mean
in any way to cause...
Monsters!
Monsters!
Linda! Wait!
(Linda mutters, cries, wails)
Okay. Perhaps I can throw in
some pillows and blankets,
'cause it looks like you're
gonna be sleeping on this couch.
Ha! Jesters.
Always gotta be on.
(panting): Linda! Wait!
You and Louise
killed the couch, Bob!
You Kevorkianed it!
Lin? Lin?
Look, I'm not good
at running around things,
so just stop, so we can talk.
Why'd you do it, Louise?
You played God,
and our couch wasn't even religious!
Oh, don't you two couch-huggers
start with me!
Huh.
That lady looks familiar.
GENE (gasping):
It's the Sofa Queen!
The leader
of the Ottoman Empire.
Excuse me. I got to see a sofa
queen about a drama queen.
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
Uh, your Royal Highness?
(fanfare plays)
Oh, my God, it's the Sofa Queen.
Curtsy time!
Oh, right.
(Gene and Tina groaning)
Is that your wife?
(sobbing)
What'd you do to her?
It's... uh, it's a long story.
I thought we were getting
a snack, and then, I...
Okay, okay, okay. Let the woman
with the crown talk her down.
She's really good at this.
She talked me into
marrying her sister.
That's why she's the queen
and you're not.
I know, I know.
You could never be queen.
I know!
(gasping, jabbering, wailing)
(sniffling)
Please don't blow your nose
on my display furniture.
(gasps) It's you.
Your Majesty, it's really you!
And it's really you,
lady crying
in the middle of a store.
Come on, make some room. (cries)
Oh, I don't like this.
We sell this?
Did you bring this?
I don't think so.
Not much we can do here.
Yeah, Sofa Queen's got this.
To the high chairs?
To the high chairs.
(whispering):
To the high chairs!
They did what?!
I know, right?
You don't do that to
a woman's couch!
The couch I raised my babies on!
Horrible! Hey, Bob!
Oh, no.
Uh, yes, Your Majesty?
What's wrong with you?
I didn't, um...
I wasn't thinking.
It's complicated 'cause I...
Don't touch that!
Sorry.
I got to say,
that sounds like
a special couch.
You got any pictures?
Yeah, I took one
this morning... here.
Look, there you go. Mm.
Oh, that's, uh...
Yeah.
Uh... Hmm.
Good couch, right?
It's got character.
Yeah, it's got character
splattered all over it.
Linda, that's what we call
in the industry a nasty couch.
Oh. Right. I gue...
I gue... I guess it's bad.
I guess it's bad.
(chuckles)
Okay, it's bad.
Linda, you're gonna think
I'm only trying to sell you
a new couch, and I am.
I'm the Sofa Queen.
But I think you know
what you gotta do.
What?
You know.
I do?
Yes.
New couch?
New couch.
I love you.
I know.
Give me huggies!
Too much.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Don't touch the queen.
Sor-Sorry. Sorry.
So it's really happening...
we're getting a new couch.
It is, and you are welcome.
We're actually
replacing Old Stinko.
Yup.
John Stain-mos.
Mm-hmm.
Old... Fartcatcher.
Okay, Dad, take it easy.
Back off a little.
Sorry, I-I got on a roll there.
(both yelling)
Get it off!
Get it off!
Why did we do this?!
It pinches! It pinches!
This can't be safe for babies!
(groaning)
(Tina and Gene groaning) Aah!
Why am I doing this?!
I knew I wouldn't fit.
What came over me?!
It's intoxicating!
Aah!
LINDA:
Come on, everybody eat faster
so we can start TV night
on the new couch!
Where are the napkins?
Do you mean the paper
towel roll?
Yeah.
This guy hangs out with a queen.
Now he's using napkins.
(sighs) Someone kicked
the paper towel roll down the hall.
Again. Louise, did you do that?
Kick the paper towel roll?
Of course.
It's a paper towel roll.
Right. Well, would
you get it, please?
Ugh! Fine!
Oh. Huh.
Hi. Well, this is awkward.
Just... not gonna
look out there again.
Oh, God, I looked.
I see you, okay?!
I know
what you're trying to pull,
looking all pathetic
on the curb.
But it's not gonna work.
I'll just close my eyes.
(laughs)
Okay, shouldn't have
closed my eyes.
Louise,
I need a paper towel, please.
Gene motorboated
his pasta again.
Oh.
Mm-hmm. Old couch.
Yup. It's gonna be fine, right?
Are you kidding?
It's gonna be great!
It's got a rich, full
life ahead of it.
Ooh!
Ooh!
It-It's gonna shake that off.
Yeah, that wasn't... that sad.
No.
There you are!
You missed the part of dinner
where we all put our plates
in the sink
and pretend
somebody's gonna do the dishes.
All right, new couch, here we come!
So this is
what it feels like
to sit upright.
It's nice.
The room looks different.
Oh, here comes another car.
Is it gonna...? Oh, God.
(water splashing)
It hit the puddle.
Looked like he went out
of his way to hit it.
What am I being so sappy about?
Sure I liked making couch forts,
but I can make forts
with the new couch.
Uh, actually, the cushions
don't come off.
Oh. Okay,
but the old couch is scruffy.
I mean... (scoffs)
we don't keep scruffy things
in this house, right?
Are you serious?
Oh, right.
Yeah.
It's like Scruff City.
Son of a bitch.
We gotta go get it.
Hmm. Sounds like you just said,
"We've gotta go get it."
Like, right now.
What are you guys
talkin' about over there?
We gotta get the old couch back.
Oh, thank God.
I don't know
who I am on this couch.
Yeah! I don't like
who I am on this couch.
What?! Oh, no, no, no!
I wanted to keep the old couch,
but you told me I was nuts!
So we went through all this,
and now you think it isn't nuts?
It is pretty nuts, you guys.
I know, okay?
It's just, how can you not look
at that stinky old couch out
there and not want it inside?
It's... it's one of us.
Yeah! Old couch came out of Mom!
So, you do like the old couch?
No! It's a gross,
lumpy, dumpy
monster, and... aah!
Let's just go get it, okay?
Uh... all right.
Let's go!
Let's do it!
Oh, my God, it's gone!
LINDA, GENE, TINA and LOUISE:
What?!
Good news! Someone
picked up the couch!
No! No! No!
You guys react weird to good news.
GENE: Yes!
Where the freak is our couch?!
It was here just a second ago.
Yeah, these guys came and got it.
I would've told you,
but I didn't want to interrupt
your time with the new couch.
Those first moments
of bonding are so important.
Who was it?
Some teenage boys.
They were in a band.
Exchange me for the couch.
I'm willing to make
that sacrifice.
No, Tina.
A band?!
Why did they want our couch?
Probably to sit on.
Lazy band.
They invited me to their show.
It's next Friday
at the Ear Drum.
I haven't been
to a rock show in a while.
What do I wear? Are sleeveless
shirts still cool?
We've got to go to the Ear Drum
and see if anyone knows
how to find these guys.
Yeah. Or we could
just go back upstairs
and think about all the good
times we had with the...
Come on, we're going!
Let's go! Mm-hmm.
Yeah, scope it out.
Pay attention to the shirts.
Sleeves? No sleeves?
Let me know!
It's four teenage boys.
They're playing here
next Friday.
Oh, I know those guys.
Yeah, w-what do they call
themselves now?
They're-they're always
changing their name.
Uh, used to be
the Melon Smashers.
Then they were
the Vase Breakers.
Now they're called, um...
oh, yeah, yeah,
the Couch Burners.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, God.
The Couch Burners?
Those idiots are gonna burn
our couch and put it on their flyer!
Oh, they got your couch, huh?
Well, why'd you give
your couch to the Couch Burners?
Look: on both flyers,
they're standing
on the railroad tracks.
BOB: Hey, that's
the old train depot.
You're an old train depot!
Come on, people.
We got a couch to save.
(lighter clicks open)
After we get the shot
we're gonna use,
we should get one silly one,
just for sillies.
Oh, sure, yeah.
There they are!
Bunch of sick sofa psychos!
And there's the couch!
Get 'em, Dad!
Run, Bobby!
Why do I have to...?
Oh, fine.
(wheezing)
Excuse me! Hey!
Dude, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, I just...
Uh, are you the, uh,
Couch Burners?
Oh, my God,
have you heard of us?
Uh, I'm really sorry to do this,
but we need that couch back.
It's ours, and you're
not gonna burn it!
We found this thing
on the street.
Finders, keepers.
Keepers, burners.
It's gonna be immortalized
on our new flyer, so...
you're welcome.
Ha.
Listen, the couch has been
in the family a long time.
Please give it back to us.
Sir, I get it.
You love the couch.
Yes, we do.
But if you love something,
set it on fire.
Those are good lyrics, man.
I know, right?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa! No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What if we could get you
a different couch to burn, huh?
Yeah, yeah!
A buh-buh better couch!
Linda, you're not talking
about the new couch? Why not?
Yeah, Dad, why not?
'Cause it cost $499.99.
It's a floor model.
We can't return it!
Yeah, Bob. What did you think
we were gonna do with it
when we took the old one back?
I was imagining we'd prop
one couch up on the other one,
so it looked
like they were making love.
Aw.
Mmm!
Well, we could sell it.
Damn it, Dad! Do you want
the old couch back or don't you?!
(sighs) Okay, fine.
Wait, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on a second.
We don't know anything
about this new couch.
Yeah!
What's going on there?
Well, what do you need to know?
Well, like, can you burn it?
Um, yeah, you can.
Okay, we'll take it!
(flames crackling,
camera shutter clicks)
All right, guys, one more.
(camera shutter clicks)
No, you had your eyes closed
again, so... one more.
Here we go. All right,
eyes are still closed, so...
I... Still? Yeah, just open them.
You had them closed.
I so feel like my eyes are open.
Open your eyes and let me take this.
All right.
(camera shutter clicks)
All of you, closed.
Okay, we both... Guys, we got to
take it while it's still burning.
If you put one foot in front of
the other, you'll look thinner.
Yeah, that's perfect.
BOB: Ugh. We got the couch back,
Mom. We did it.
Yup. Who knows
a good upholsterer? Anyone?
I do know a good upholsterer.
He's on Cape Cod!
Quick fort while we're waiting
for new couch to burn?
Sure! Dibs on the spot
that smells like guacamole!
SINGER (speaking):
♪ If you love something ♪
♪ Set it on fire ♪
♪ Like a couch ♪
♪ Or your shoes ♪
LINDA: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
BAND (singing):
♪ If you love something ♪
♪ Set it on fire ♪
♪ If you love something ♪
♪ Set it on fire ♪
SINGER (speaking):
♪ If you love something ♪
♪ Set it on fire ♪
BAND (singing):
♪ But safety first! ♪
♪ Safety first! ♪