Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Nice-Capades - full transcript

Ugh. That guy can't still
be using the massage chair.

He knows we're waiting.

We have to meet Mom
in five minutes.

It's now or never for
our chair massage.

We all know
we're not gonna buy the chair,

but we take turns pretending
we're gonna buy the chair.

All right, sir,
let's push it along.

Other people
want to use the chair.

You know w...
Listen, I've got to get back to work

in about a minute, and I've just

got to work out this
knot that's right here.



Uh-huh...
It's just, you know,

it's mall etiquette
to share the chair.

I'm almost done.

Okay, well, it seems like
you're real relaxed.

Well, I was.

Why don't we make it
even more relaxing?

We can crank up this
white noise machine for you.

You like gentle rain?
(static humming)

Uh-oh!
Not so gentle.

More like a tropical storm.

Oh, what's jungle sounds?
(birds chirp, insects hum)

Caw, caw!

Uh-oh.
Tidal wave!

(imitates foghorn)
That's a foghorn.



Okay, okay, I'm getting up.

What? So soon?
I hope not because of us.

You know, if I were
a kid, I wouldn't

be acting the least bit naughty
this close to Christmas. Oh...

Well, you're not a kid.
You're a...

Whoa.
Mm-hmm.

I'm Santa. You just kicked
Santa out of a massage chair.

Isn't that a song?

Umm, you're not Santa.

You're a mall Santa.
I'm assuming.

Yes, but as mall Santa,

I'm required to report
on good and bad behavior.

And it all goes back
to headquarters...

you know, if you get my gist.

To Santa-Santa.
Mm-hmm.

(exhales) Okay.

Seems unlikely.

Plus, you don't
even know our names.

Yeah, we didn't tell you
that we were the Belchers.

Yeah.
Guys!

Well, just try and be nice,

Belchers.
Merry Christmas.

Geez. Way to make us feel bad

about kicking a guy
out of a massage chair.

Ah, I feel better.
(chair humming)

Christmas morning, Christmas
morning, Christmas morning!

Presents, presents, presents,
presents, presents!

A letter from Santa?

I thought Santa letters were
kind of one-way, but all right.

Read it already, damn it.

"Dear Tina, Gene, and Louise.

"Per mall Santa
number 5748's account

"of the Massage Chair Incident,

"you have all been placed
on the naughty list

"and will not be receiving
any presents this year.

Ho, ho, ho, Santa." What?

Coal?!
I got coal, too!

Maybe it's fool's coal?
It's not fool's coal!

Ho, ho, ho.

ALL: No!

No!

Santa doesn't really

give coal, does he?

You had a bad dream,
sweetie. It's okay.

Have some eggs.
Eat your eggs, come on.

I'll eat her eggs.
Crap, I already ate her eggs.

I mean, Santa knows
when you're sleeping.

He knows when you're
awake. I get that.

He's got some kind
of sensor somewhere.

But I never imagined
he'd use mall Santas

as his eyes and ears.
It's brilliant.

We are so screwed.

Louise, it'll be okay.

I'm sure you'll all
get presents this year.

Are you, Dad? Are you so sure?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

I'm sorry, all of sudden

you're a Santa expert?

Did Santa grant you
an exclusive interview

you never told us about?

Did you intern in the North Pole
as an undergrad?

That's not how...
You know what?

For... Just forget it.

Guys, we can't
not have presents.

We got to smooth things over
with that mall Santa and fast.

("Good King Wenceslas"
plays over speakers)

Hello, kids.

Belchers, wasn't it?
Yes. Hi.

Look, I think everyone
was disappointed

with how things
shook out yesterday, right?

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

We provided some ambiance

that might have been
misinterpreted as annoying,

you threw some major attitude.

And if someone
would have just gotten

out of a massage chair earlier,

we wouldn't even be here.

Oh, so you're worried
about being on the naughty list.

I'm not worried.

I've been great this year.

I'm worried that you're worried.

Everyone squeeze together
and say "cheese log."

Cheese log.
Cheese log.

No, we don't need a picture.

We just need a couple more...

Wait, you don't want
a picture with Santa?

We're almost done.
Guys,

I'm gonna have to
move you along.

GENE: Hey!
LOUISE: Huh?

Wait, wait, wait!
Wait.

LOUISE: Okeydokey.

I'm gonna get to
the back of the line!

I'll see you in 40 minutes.

Hi.
Hi.

(chuckles)
We got, uh, cut off before.

What do you say
to a little snack?

There's a crazy
rumor going around

that you folks like
milk and cookies.

(laughs) There sure is, Gene.

So maybe while you're
enjoying these,

which are in no way
an admission of our guilt,

just something nice

that we're doing for you,

you forget to tell Santa-Santa
a thing or two, eh?

Are you trying to bribe us?

(laughs) No.

Absolutely not.

Tina, milk.

Aah!
Oh!

Oh! Soak it up with cookies!

Soak it up with cookies!
Come on!

We need security at
Santa's Village. Code Blitzen.

Code Blitzen.
No code Blitzen, no code Blitzen!

BOB: Louise, it's okay.

It's gonna be fine.

Santa stopped giving you
presents ages ago.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

You really don't, Bob.
Thanks, Teddy.

It's Christmas Eve.
Santa's sled

is gonna launch in seven hours.

How are we supposed
to convince mall Santa

that we deserve to
be on the nice list

if we're banned
from Santa's Village?

We could write down all the nice
things we've done this year

and read it to him
from outside the village

in our best public
speaking voices.

Okay, there
might be something there.

We could scratch an apology
into the ice

in the skating rink.
He sits across from it.

He couldn't miss it.

The Rinky Dink.
Of course.

Guys. We got to do
an ice show, huh?

Ice show?
Ooh, Ice Capades.

ALL: Yes.
(whoops)

Uh, you really don't need
to do an Ice Capades.

Dad, you want to ruin Christmas?

I-I... I don't.

You know, I followed
the Ice Capades for a season.

Like a lot of young guys
trying to find themselves.

We'll do a little Ice Capading
about how good we've been.

And that's what Santa-Santa
will hear about.

Hold on. We could call it
Nice Capades.

Yeah. Nice Capades.
Love it.

Oh, my God.
♪ Nothin' better than Nice Capades ♪

♪ On Christmas Eve. ♪

Or Mice Capades.
No, no.

Spice Parade Capades.

Oh wait, uh,
Heidi Fleiss Capades.

Okay, so, no problem, we just
need to put on a full-scale

Ice Capades with singing
and dancing tonight.

And costumes.
I mean,

that's a lot to do,
but it's not like too much, right?

Hard to tell, hard to tell.

Merry Christmas Eve Day.

I got you something, Bob.

Um, o-okay.
Uh, thanks.

Aw.
Well, open it. Oh, no.

You've never
received a gift before.

You don't know what to do.

No, I-I know how to...
I know what to do.

Just rip it open with
your weird grizzly hands, Dad.

I don't think Dad's weird
grizzly hands are that weird.

It's just got
a lot of tape on it.

A box of envelopes?

Right! It's for putting
your rent checks in.

I thought perhaps that's
what was holding you back?

Oh. Uh, n-no.

It's the stuff that goes
in them. The money.

Hey, uh, Mr. Fischoeder.

You don't happen
to own the mall, do you?

Own the mall? No.
Damn it.

I own a minority share
of a holding company

that owns the debt of the mall.

Why do you ask?
Do you wish to buy it?

Uh, no, but you know
that little ice rink

across from Santa's Village?
The Rinky Dink.

Know it?
I named it.

I named it after my dink.
It's very rinky. Hmm.

Well, we need to borrow the rink
to put on a little show tonight

to impress mall Santa.

Oh, not a little show.
A big show.

Oh.
With singing and dancing

and skating
and lights and skating.

And music by this mammajamma.

I suppose, uh,
I could talk someone

into letting you use
the Rinky Dink for, say,

the last half hour
that the mall's open.

Oh, baby!
Yes!

I'll give it to you for a song.

As in, I get to perform a song.

You get three minutes.
I need five.

We'll kill the mic after four,
and I'm not joking.

Deal. And my brother
Felix will accompany me.

Oh, like a duet?

Uh... no.

I'll sing and he'll ice-dance.

Question:
How provocative can he be? PG-13.

I'll rein him in.
See you tonight.

All right, we got our ice time
and one ice skater-dancer.

You know, if you need more
skaters, there's some guys

on my hockey team
that could help out.

On Christmas Eve?

It's a Jewish hockey league.

We're the Mighty Schmucks.

Don't tell 'em I'm not Jewish.

Great. Gene, how's
the music coming?

Have not started.
Started.

Good stuff.
Tina... lyrics.

You did some nice things
this year. What you got?

Well, over the summer,
I found a horseshoe crab

that was stuck on its back.

I flipped it over, and it
went back into the ocean.

Someday when you need help,
you're gonna get it,

and it's gonna be that crab.
I know.

Yeah, that's
a sweet thing you did,

but it's not nearly enough.

It's not?
No.

We got to wow the beard
off that mall Santa.

We got to ratchet this thing up.

Like ratchet it up how?

Like: You didn't
just plop the thing

back into the ocean, you...
adopted it, huh?

And raised it as your own.

But that's not the truth.
Screw the truth.

I mean, the whole truth is
that I kind of kicked it

back into the ocean.
Its leg came off.

We can spin that.
Gene, how about you?

Well, one time
at school on taco day...

which I don't have to tell you

is like having
a birthday once a week...

I let Regular-Sized Rudy
have the last taco.

And I had to eat
burned chicken nuggets.

Wait, don't you love
burnt chicken nuggets?

That's not the point.

Ugh, it's nice,
but not nice-list nice.

There are no presents
if we don't

make a big splash here, people.

And I don't know about you,
but I asked Santa

for something big this year.
Big.

Well, what are you gonna
sing about, Louise?

I got lots of stuff.
You do?

I do. I mean, I will.
Some of the nicest stuff

anyone's ever done
is what I'm gonna sing about.

I'm pretty sure
there's a preset on here

for 30-minute Ice Capades show.

(farting sounds) No. No. Hmm.

Here comes trouble.
Oh, brother.

Hi. Uh, my wife sent me here
for costume supplies.

I'm glad you're still open.
I just need a few things.

You hear that, Harold?
He just needs a few things.

Oh, don't we all.

Okay, um,
do you have fabric glue?

(laughs) Do we? I forget.

And purple felt?
(Harold muttering)

And orange felt and yellow felt.

Oh, sure, we've got those
things, but it's gonna cost you.

Right, uh, well, that makes
sense, because I'm the customer.

No. Because it's Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Eve,
we jack the prices way up.

We jack 'em to the moon.

Why are you advertising that?

Also, please don't
jack the prices...

To the moon, Chubs!

And there's nothing
you can do about it,

because it's Christmas
Eve, and you need felt.

Oh, my God.

You know, we're having a hell
of an after-Christmas felt sale.

Tell him about it!

(laughing): But you can't wait
till then, can you, Chubs?

No, I can't!
You know I can't wait till then!

I really wish we had another
art supply store in town.

♪ ♪

LOUISE: Hey, I just want
to thank everyone

for coming out
on your Christmas Eves.

No problem for me. Coming off
a hell of a Hanukkah, right, guys?

Great. Now, let's go out there
and convince that judgy red man

that the Belchers are good kids.

Are we all ready?

Almost. I'm not
fully squeezed into my...

(French pronunciation):
Ensemble.

(zippering) Okeydokey.

Okay, we've got to be ready now.

Um, Louise?
Tina, what?!

I'm not exactly comfortable
with the whole lying part.

Yeah, I mean, we didn't
really do the stuff

we're gonna sing we did.

Do you want presents
or what? Huh?

No, we do.
Right. Right.

That's what I thought.
Cue the music. Lights!

(lights clack on)

Oh, it's starting!

Who's doing the lights?
Couple of Schmucks.

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

welcome to the Nice Capades:

An evening of warm
and generous acts.

And a warm-up act...
the Brothers Fischoeder.

Give it up for them.
(piano plays upbeat intro)

Thank you!
(light applause)

Here's, uh, one of
my favorite Christmas classics.

♪ When the last present's
delivered ♪

♪ And the snow outside's
gettin' thicker ♪

♪ So let's open
that bottle of liquor ♪

♪ Hey, bourbon, take me home ♪

♪ On bourbon, on vodka,
on scotch and on gin ♪

♪ Take me back ♪

♪ Let the North Pole
dancing begin ♪

♪ It's my party... ♪

(humming) Felix? I told you no!

All right, get your game faces
on, people.

Um, Louise?

'Cause we are gonna rock
this mall Santa's world.

Um...
Rock it hard.

Uh... Louise?
What?!

Mall Santa's gone.

LOUISE: Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Where's Santa?!
Where the hell is he?!

As you can see by the sign,
Santa's gonna be right back.

We... need him! Now!

He... will... be... back!

Uh, what's going on here?

This unhelpful elf knows

where mall Santa is,

but she's keeping her elfin'
trap shut!

Louise, calm down.

Look, he had to attend
to some personal business.

Okay, Santa's pooping.
No, he's...

Everyone poops, even Santa.

Santa's not pooping.

He's shopping, okay?

But the mall closes
in 20 minutes.

He's got to see our show,
or we don't get presents.

Louise, stay here
in case he comes back.

Bob, we need to find Santa.
Right. Yup.

Thank you. Thank you.
That's all for us. (applause)

No, no, no,
we want a big happy crowd

for when mall Santa comes back.

LOUISE: Stretch. And now...
Oh. What is... this?

Stretch.
Stretch it out.

What is... stretch? What?

Ooh, okay. Um...

So, uh...
where's everybody from?

Hmm? You, where are you from?

Say somewhere good,
someplace funny.

Say... Nantucket.

Oh, Calvin, you've never
been good at crowd work. You...

where'd you get
that hat? Your mom?

(airy laugh)

(squeaky cough)

That's how you do crowd work.

Santa.
Santa!

Yeah. Yeah.
We found you.

We need you.
Ooh, fudge!

Um, I kind of stopped doing
ironic pictures with grown-ups.

My lap is not as strong
as it used to be.

Nothing personal.

Drrr... umroll, please.

(drum machine plays
rapid percussion)

(grunting)

(rim shot)
Hey, how about that? Hmm?

Anyone can make it look easy,
but he makes it look hard!

Come on, Mom and Dad.

Bring back that rent-a-beard!

Sounds like your kids
have put in a lot of work.

So will you come with us now?

You know, it's just that I have

so much more shopping to do.

I have to get something
for my nephew.

Oh, Bob could get
something for your nephew.

I could?

That would be great.
It would?

All right, come on,
let's go, Santa.

Wait. What's he into?
Your nephew.

You know.
Regular... nephew stuff.

Well, so, like,
is he into sports, or...

or board games, uh, calendars?

Did you say,
was he into calendars?

I did. Yeah.
I don't know.

No one's into calendars.

I just couldn't think
of anything else.

I'll do better. Don't worry.
I'll get him something good.

So the nurse says, "Rectum?
I damn near killed him!"

Well, those
are all the clean jokes I know.

He's here! We got the big man!

Yes! He is here, people!

Okay, let's do this!

No! You're-you're closing early!

I-I'm shopping for Santa!

Crap.

(piano plays flourish)

Hello. This year was a banner
year for us Belcher kids.

We did so many nice things.

Too many to list, so we're going
to sing them to you.

Take it away, Gene, my brother.
(light applause)

I did a bunch
of nice things this year.

But one in particular
comes to mind.

♪ Taco Tuesday was
the day at school ♪

♪ A day that always
makes me drool ♪

♪ But when only one taco
was left ♪

♪ I said "Rudy, friend,
you take the rest" ♪

♪ But the only thing
left to eat ♪

♪ Was nuggets
from the deep, deep freeze ♪

And then those reheated
evil nuggets got mad

and turned
into an angry tornado!

Oh!

(quietly):
I made those nugget costumes.

I made 'em a few hours
ago. It's no big deal.

So I did what I had to do
to save the world.

♪ I ate the nuggets,
I ate the evil nuggets, yeah! ♪

♪ I ate the nuggets, the evil,
evil nuggets, yeah! ♪

So that's something nice I did.

And now I'm gonna hand it off
to my handsome sister, Tina.

(applause) Don't look at the bag.
It's not calendars,

but if it is, they're
great... calendars.

♪ I kissed my family
on all of their cheeks ♪

♪ Then I took a little walk
along the beach ♪

♪ A horseshoe crab
was on its back ♪

♪ Nearly having a heart attack ♪

♪ I didn't kick it ♪

♪ I gently nudged it
back into the sea ♪

♪ I didn't kick it ♪

♪ It had all the right number
of legs when I left it, yeah ♪

The end.
(Louise clears throat)

Oh, right. ♪ And then
I took it home and fed it ♪

♪ And took care of it and then
it went to college and now ♪

♪ It's a celebrity chef
with all its legs. ♪ Good night.

(applause) Lin,
this is not going very...

Breathtaking.
It's just breathtaking.

Yup. Right. Yeah, that's
what I was about to say.

And now enjoy the stylings of
my super nice sister, Louise.

(piano plays flourish) (quietly):
Nice job, Tina.

I think he bought it.
I'm just glad it's over.

I feel dirty.
That's the spirit.

Thank you. Oh.

♪ I did so many nice things
I can barely count 'em ♪

♪ I regrew the rain forest,
and lost puppies I found 'em ♪

♪ I gave blankets to cold kids
and ice cream to warm kids ♪

♪ Shoes to the shoeless,
hair to the hairless ♪

♪ But the nicest thing
I did all year... ♪

♪ Uh... nicest thing
I did... I... ♪

♪ The nicest thing I did...
I... ♪

I...

I... I can't do this.

(grunting)

What? What are we doing?

Do I still spin around?
What do I do? Oy gevalt.

Louise, what's going on?
I can't do it.

You were right.
We shouldn't have lied.

Yeah, but I didn't know
stopping was an option.

Hey, listen,
you got to tell Santa-Santa

to bring Gene and Tina
presents tomorrow.

They're good kids.

And I don't belong
on the nice list.

I mean, a nice person
doesn't put on a Nice Capades.

They wouldn't need to.

They would just
call it "Capades."

All right,
show's over, everyone.

Merry Christmas. LINDA: No!

No, no!
Louise, wait.

You're a nice person, Louise.

You do belong on the nice list.

Sing it, Bob.

(microphone feedback squeals)
Um, I...

Wait, hold on. I want to say
something else to you, Louise.

You think you're a tough cookie,

but you're really just as soft
as the rest of us, maybe softer.

Yeah. You do nice
stuff all the time,

but you don't even realize it.

Like...
your constructive criticisms

of my secret diary entries
are really helpful.

♪ You read her diary ♪

♪ And tell the rest of us
the juicy stuff ♪

♪ So we don't have to read it ♪

♪ Keeps our hands clean,
oh, yes, it does ♪

And, Louise, I know
you don't like

watching
The Weather Channel, but

you sit and watch it
with me anyway, so...

♪ Oh, she gets bored of
forecasts and more forecasts ♪

♪ I don't know why you watch
that, Bob, she's bored ♪

When we were walking to school,
you told me I should

put away my penis before
we got to school, and I did.

♪ You told him
to put away his penis ♪

♪ And that was pretty cool. ♪

That's nice of you all to say,
but it's not gonna matter.

You know, I'm turning in
my report tonight.

(sighing): Yeah. I know.

And I want to tell you, this was
amazing, what you did here.

You know, you may care
about what Santa thinks of you,

but I think you care more

about what you think of you.

And I'm gonna say
that you're a leader

who really thinks hard
about right and wrong.

And you know what, sweetie?

The world needs people like you.
Really?

And some tough-looking
security guys are motioning

for me to wrap it up.

It's best to listen to them.

So, Louise, what do you want
for Christmas?

What do you want Santa
to bring you for Christmas?

A pet shark.

Uh, okay,
I'm gonna recommend the shark. Yes!

Uh...
eh...

But just in case,
do you have a backup?

Nope.
Well, y...

(lights clunk off) And
they shut off the lights.

So, I guess we'll just
make our way to the wall

and feel our way out.

TINA: Everyone grab hold of Dad.
He'll pull us.

BOB: What? No. No.

GENE: Pull us to Christmas!
(thudding)

ALL: Aah! LINDA: Ow! My fudge!

LOUISE:
You know, getting presents

is nice, but it's not what
Christmas is about, right?

Look. There's one more
for Louise.

Give me! Give me!
Give me!

"A special present for
a special kid. Santa." Aw.

A goldfish?

It is a goldfish.

Look at that!

Way better than a shark.

Very funny, Santa-Santa! Ha, ha!

You're hilarious!

I get it. I get it.

You got to be ten
to get a shark? Is that it?

Okay, I can wait.
Starter shark. Love it.

Next year, though,

I want a great white
under the tree.

Did you hear that? I think
I just heard him say, "No way."

Shh, shh. Dad, you don't
know anything about Santa.

♪ Oh, bourbon ♪

♪ Oh, bourbon ♪

♪ Oh, bourbon, oh, bourbon,
oh, bourbon ♪

♪ Oh... bourbon ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

Everybody now.

♪ Oh, bourbon ♪

♪ Oh, bourbon ♪

Come on, now. Let's hear it.

♪ Oh... bourbon! ♪

Yeah. Give me another one.

Okay.
♪ Oh, bourbon, bourbon ♪

♪ Bourbon, bourbon,
bourbon, bourbon, bour... ♪