Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Speakeasy Rider - full transcript

Mom and Dad might
not recognize us

when we get back
from go-karting.

'Cause our hair
will be like this.

And our faces
will be like this!

And our penises
will be like this.

You can't see what I'm doing,
but it's pretty great.

Three youth tickets, please.

Sorry, track's closed for the
rest of the day. League racing.

What?! What?
But I pedaled all this way

to put the pedal
to the metal.

You'll have to come back
another time.



Perhaps check
the online calendar

that I work so hard on
that no one bothers to look at.

If I'm online, I'm
looking at sloths.

Whoa, Mama like.

TINA: They're fast,
and I'm curious.

Screw regular go-karting.
I want to do that.

Every kid wants to be in
league racing. Get in line.

Okay, where's the line?
(chuckles) Funny, honey.

The only way to join
the circuit is to get a kart.

No problem.
Where do we get one?

They're custom.
They cost a grand, at least.

(groaning):
Ah!

I know you from
somewhere. You're Bryce

from Kingshead Island,
aren't you? Yep.



Oh, yeah. Remember us? Nope.

Ouch. Too bad you won't
be joining the league.

It would've been fun chucking
raisins at you as I blow by.

Geesh-geesh, goosh-goosh.
TINA: Ow.

Ow. Oh, my God, I hate him.
(laughs)

Hard to hate a guy who
gives you raisins.

(chewing loudly)

Three burgers of the day.
Who are your pals, Teddy?

These guys are
from the home brew supply shop.

I brought 'em over here to try
your burgers with Teddy's Brewski.

What's Teddy's Brewski?

It's the name of my home-brewed
beer. I used to call it

Bucket Brew, since that's where
it ferments. In a bucket.

Is it safe to drink? You know,
it's just that you brewed it

in a bucket. Of course it's safe.
It's alcohol.

Mmm... Mmm... Right?

Mm-hmm. Oh.
Mmm.

Aw, so cute.

Your burgers and his beer
are making little belly babies.

Ew. What?
Oh, Bob.

Bob! Bob!
What what? What?

You should sell my beer!
We could be partners! What?

Teddy, I-I don't think
restaurants are allowed

to sell home-brewed beer.
Aw, who's gonna care?

The health inspector, the Bureau
of Alcohol, the police...

So we won't get caught.
We'll run it like a speakeasy.

I'll be like Al
Capone with breasts.

Come on, Bob, just taste
your burger and then my beer.

Well, it's pretty hard
to pair my burgers

with the right beer.

Oh, my God.

Right? Huh? Oh, my God.

That's amazing.
Let's do it! It's amazing!

Let's do it!
(chuckles) Yes! (shouts)

Maybe Mom and Dad
would sponsor a go-kart

if it was advertising
for the restaurant.

(sighs) They can't even sponsor
their electric bill.

Or maybe a sponsorship
would work.

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder!
I missed you. Damn.

Where have you been?
Oh, around.

How would you like
to have semi-exclusive

advertising rights
on a go-kart that you pay for?

Me pay kids? That sounds weird.

How 'bout you pay me...
that sounds better...

No. Um... Huh.

Hold on. I haven't finished.

For one of these!

A broken-down bumper car?

Perhaps you kids can turn
one of these not go-karts

into a very much go-kart.
Someone's sleeping

back here, Mr. Fish.
(snoring)

That's our employee lounge.
Owen, wake up!

Hmm. You look like you've got
something to prove.

Guys, I think this is the one.

Ooh, that's the
most expensive one.

We'll give you
three bucks for it.

Deal. Unless you want to
make it eight dollars

for a second bumper
car, plus Owen,

whom I will throw
in for free.

What can he do?
Lord knows.

It all remains to be seen.
He's a mass of potential.

Now all we need
is a lawn mower engine.

Or a steam engine.

Or a motorcycle engine.

So how much is it
gonna cost us, Critter?

Aw, come on,
I can't charge you guys.

Our kid was born
inside your restaurant.

Plus, I think the parts will be
donated, if you catch my drift.

Come on, people,
let's tear this old dog apart,

teach it new tricks!

♪ ♪

Half bumper car,
half go-kart, all balls.

Nice.

You're gonna bump those
rich kids right off the track.

And how are we
on snack storage?

Chip clip right there on the side.
Chip clip! Yeah.

Now, she's gonna handle
like a bumper car.

The steering's real loose,
so don't be afraid

to whip that wheel around
real good.

Yeah, yeah. You push the
pedal and the thing goes.

Wait till Bryce gets a
load of this sweet ride.

What is that?

Are you jealous?
(laughs)

It doesn't sound like you are,

but you will be
once we race against you.

You're not gonna race
against me.

What are
you talking about?

I'm in A-league.

New cars start
out in B-league.

You got to win your
way up to A-league.

Are you kidding me? Nope.
I'm serious-ing you.

I'll be winning
the Kingshead Island Grand Prix

when you're still figuring out
which pedal is the gas

and which is the brake.
And the big round thing

in the middle that steers it?
That's your mom. Burn.

Oh, that fart with a mouth?
That's your face!

(chuckles)
Yeah, right.

ANNOUNCER: Drivers, ten minutes
till the B-league race.

I guess that's us.
Let's go tear up the B-league

so we can blow it
out Bryce's tailpipe.

(sighs)
Here we go.

ALL:
Wish me luck out there.

Hmm? Wait,
what do you mean wish you luck?

'Cause I'm driving.
I thought I was driving.

I thought we all thought
I was driving.

Oh, my God. Did we not talk

about who's gonna drive?
It's obviously me.

But remember how good I was
at that motorcycle arcade game?

(beeping, engine revs)

The point is to not
burst into flames.

Strongly disagree.

Tina, you're not much better.
Remember what happened

when you drove the car
in the parking lot?

That was different.
That was dirty driving.

This is legal. Go-karting
is good clean fun.

There's only one way
to settle this.

Gene's hairy mole?
Gene's hairy mole.

Oh, boy. Ow. Ow. Ow!

Hold 'em up.

Yes! Uh, I mean...
(groans)

Whatever. I'm the driver. But,
hey, it's all about the team.

Right, sibs?
Fair is fair, I guess.

Go team.

Yeah, Tina!
That's the spirit!

And you know what, I want you
to be my water girl out there.

How does that sound?

Water girl instead
of race kart driver?

(gritting teeth):
Hmm, let me think about that.

Hey, when I win this race,
it'll be like we all won.

Especially me.
T, give me a squirt.

You missed.
Did you do that on purpose?

No. What a crazy
water bottle. Oh, whoops.

Uh, it's doing it again.
Oh, sorry. (grunting) Hey!

This is...
this is crazy. (groans)

ANNOUNCER:
Drivers, start your engines.

That guy can make a flag
do anything he wants.

But mostly flap around.

(groans)

Come on, you hunk of junk!

Go straight! Now turn! Turn!

You call that turning?
The other way!

Pretty good, kid.

But can you Gus?

Whoa. It's beautiful!

Why is it called Gus?
It's named after me.

My name is Gus.

A lot of people think
the Gus comes from the wrists.

It doesn't.
It comes from in here.

Your flask?

Yes. And the heart.

Without heart,
you're just waving a flag around

at the end of a little stick.

Hey, maybe you've got
what it takes

to be a junior-Gus-in-training.

I've waited my entire life
to hear those exact words!

That bumper-kart is terrible.

We'll never win a race
in that thing.

Well, we might
if, you know,

you drove it like
Critter told us to.

What's that supposed
to mean?

Maybe it's not
the kart's fault

you slammed into all those
walls and got turned around

and drove the wrong way for an
embarrassing amount of time.

You think you can drive that
thing? (scoffs) Be my guest.

Take a lap.

We're gonna go nice and easy.

You lead, I'll follow.
I know you want to bump

into stuff but you can't.
You're a race car now.

You're all grown-up.
That's it, Mr. Speedy.

(tires screech)

See?
See what?

How I took that turn
instead of crashing

like you did?
Maybe I should be the one

behind the wheel
for Team Belcher?

Tina, hello, it was
my first race, okay? Back off.

Besides, I won Gene's hairy
mole fair and square.

So let's speak
of this no more.

It's just, I could maybe win...
Gene's hairy mole!

I know. Gene's hairy mole.

How's it coming? TEDDY: Great.

Once I'm done here, I'm gonna bring
up another batch from the basement.

Home brew in used bottles;
I think we're getting good

at this speakeasy thing.

And all these sipsies
are getting me tipsy.

Eh, I had to hammer some
of the caps back on

and I used tape
for a couple of 'em, but...

I don't think
anyone will notice.

Uh, another "beer,"
please? Wink.

Another one of the beers
we normally sell here?

Sure. Here you go.

Whoa! Live one!

Is he supposed to say "wink"?
Or is he just supposed to wink?

Well, we've been
doing both. Oh...

Oh, God. Oh, God! Bobby,
the G-men are here!

Turn the whole room around
like they do in the movies!

Quick, go! Ugh, no, no. Not now.

Teddy, get out of here!
Hurry. Hurry.

Hugo!
Bob.

Ron. Bob. Ron!

Oh. What's wrong with
this picture, Ron?

Uh...

There are actually customers
in here!

Right.

(sniffing)
Smells...

yeasty.
(sniffing)

I've never smelled this tangy...

(sniffing)
sour...

yeast here before.

Oh, uh, well, we have
started baking bread,

so maybe you're smelling
the yeast from that. Yeah.

And where is this yeasty bread, Bob?
Uh, we, uh...

we threw it away.
It wasn't any good. No. Yeah.

Terrible, terrible.
It didn't come out, so...

I mean, it was
our first batch.

You know? W-We're not...
Who are we? You know?

We're not bread experts.
(chuckles)

(chuckles)
(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckling)

(sighs)
Bread.

BOB (loudly): Hugo, you really
don't have to go down there!

HUGO:
So yeasty.

Okay, you need to stop
saying that word.

It's making me
uncomfortable.

Oh, really?
Yeasty, yeasty, yeasty.

You know what I think, Bob?
I think the bread story

is a cover for what
you're really doing.

And what would that be?

You're brewing your own beer!

What?! That's crazy.
What? (chuckles)

It's crazy. Where would you get that?
Beer. Who's brewing beer?

What are... What is... what is this?
What? Who is this guy? Beer. Pfft.

You know, the only thing worse
than an idiot who makes

bacteria-infested home brew
is a restaurant that serves it.

Well, Hugo, there's
no home brew here,

so are we done
with the inspection?

(sniffs)
I suppose.

But know this, Bob,

if I find out
you are selling bacteria beer,

you're going to get
the triple smack-down.

Smack one: I shut you down.

Smack two:
beer and wine license? Gone.

Smack three?

Tell 'em, Ron.
Uh...

You rot in hell, Bob!

Hmm.
Let's go, Ron.

And I'll be back
to try that bread, Bob.

Great. 'Cause it's gonna
be here, Hugo.

HUGO: Oh, great!
I'll bring my bread mouth!

So I guess this means
the speakeasy's over?

Nothing's over, Teddy.
Hugo can't stop us.

All right, who knows
how to bake bread?

(engines rumbling)

Flutter, flutter, flutter.
Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.

And snap it off!

Hell of a snap-off, Gene.

Yeah, but my shimmy was shabby.

I saw you drive that monstrosity
the other day.

It was impressive. Want to take
a little walk and talk?

I have a proposition for you.
I'm taken.

Well, it's complicated.

Honey, if I was hitting
on you, you'd know,

because you'd be terrified.

Trust me, you're
hitting on me.

Just come with us,
please.

My name is Sasha, and
this is my racing team.

Hi.
Hi.

So how'd you like
to be a driver?

Oh, I can't. My sister
is our team's driver.

She won the right to
drive fair and square.

Gene's hairy mole. It's
this thing we do with...

Oh, it's okay.
I don't need to know.

Listen, I'm not talking
about you driving that thing.

I'm talking about this.
TINA: Whoa.

Eddy, our usual driver,
is in detention again.

You'd be doing us a big favor if
you drove the K.I.S. kart today.

"Kiss"?
No, K.I.S.

It stands for Kingshead
Island Speeders.

Can I call it "kiss"?
No. Listen to me.

This is your chance to drive a
real race kart, in the A-league.

But I thought you had to win
your way into the A-league.

It's about the kart.

This kart is already
in the A-league.

But why don't you want to
drive the car yourself?

Any kid can drive.
I want to win.

You think I can win?
In A-league?

If you can get that bumper-fart
around the track in 70 seconds,

imagine how fast
you can go in this.

(engine purring)
Wow.

You and this thing might
actually have what it takes

to knock Bryce off the top spot.

He deserves to be beaten,
by the way.

He's a dirty driver.
We call him Not Nice Bryce.

I don't know. The bumper-kart
is kind of a family project.

Oh, sure, of course, yeah.

You can just keep
squirting water

into your sister's mouth
if you want.

(grunting) Here,
I made you this last-place medal.

It's gum.

Good one, Bryce.

Joke's on you. I love old gum!

Mmm. (gags)

It's okay. He walked away.

Tina, what are you wearing?

A driver's jumpsuit.

We've been through this, okay?

Belcher Racing only has
one driver, and that's me.

I know. I'm driving for the
Kingshead Island Speeders.

What?!
I call it "kiss."

How can you do that to us?!

You're like
a Belcherdict-Arnold!

I was Team Belcher's
best driver,

but you didn't care if we won

as long as you got
to be the driver.

That's crazy. You're crazy.

Get out of that jumpsuit,
get your water bottle

and get back in the pit.

I'm never going back to the pit

unless the pit is a cool diner
where teens hang out.

Look, the A-league race
is about to start. I got to go.

You're in A-league?!

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

They give your go-kart a
little wreath if you win.

Oh, wow!
Isn't that great?

It is pretty
great. Bye!

SASHA: Hi, Tina.
How are you doing? Good.

'Cause you're looking
a little stiff out there, kiddo.

Who's saying this?

Sasha. I'm on the radio
inside your helmet.

Oh, 'cause I thought
for a second you were...

Oh, never mind. I'm not gonna
tell you what I thought.

Tina, you're driving
like a water girl.

Come on, cut it loose.

All right, all right,
I just need

to get to know the car
a little, I guess. Hello.

You feel different
than the bumper-kart.

But I must feel different
than your old driver,

'cause I have a girl butt,
or so I'm told.

I'm Tina, by the way.

Tina, I'm gonna put you on mute.

Okay.

(engine revving)
Whoa.

You did that really well.
Nice turning, wheels.

And good job,
steering wheel, too.

And, uh, engine,
you did your part.

Second place!
I knew it!

I knew you
were a racer!

I got a little worried when
you were talking to yourself

and being really weird,
but then you came through!

It's okay!
(laughs)

This time second,
next time beat Bryce.

LOUISE:
Tina, can you pass me a napkin?

And try not to betray it.

Louise, please
pass the pepper.

And try not to crash it
into the salt.

Why don't you try to remember
where that pepper came from?

From here, from this
apartment, from this family.

So that's where
pepper comes from.

Girls, you two need
to stop all this.

You're both
go-kart drivers now.

And you're not even racing
against each other, right?

That's right.
I'm in the A-league.

Well, I'm coming
for you, T.

If I finish the season in
first place in the B-league,

then I get a spot in the
Kingshead Island Grand Prix.

You do?
Yup.

And that's when I get
to beat you.

But you have to actually win
races to finish in first place.

Maybe you didn't
totally understand that.

(chuckles):
Oh, keep it up.

Way ahead of you. Literally.

(growls)

Look, I know there's this rumor

that Tina's a better driver,
and I think you started it,

but you and me are gonna work
real hard,

and we're gonna win some races.

♪ ♪

(Louise whoops loudly)

Ha, ha!

Looks like I'll be seeing you
at the Grand Prix, sis.

And I'll be seeing you
from the first place podium.

Also, I'll see you at home,
and also in the car,

'cause we should probably
carpool to the race.

Yup, yup, got it!

I hit the gas,
and I drive away!

It's weird how you freshly baked
the staleness right into them.

It's-it's an old family secret.
Another cold one, Bob.

Hey, Bob, that bun
doesn't look like this bun, Bob.

You trying to screw me?
I want the fresh-baked buns.

I want
the fresh-baked buns.

So, you're not using these buns
on your burgers?

Suspicious. Gretchen? Move on.

We're-we're making buns
for, uh, um, uh...

For what?
Uh, the buns are for...

For breakfast!
Yes.

We're gonna start
breakfast now. Hmm.

Breakfast at Bob's.

I can't wait
to come by and try it.

6:00 a.m. sound good?

I mean, well, we
haven't really talked

about when we're
opening yet, so...

Okay, see you
at 6:00 then.

And you better
have sausages, Bob!

We'll have it!

BOB: So, this is what
the kids have been up to?

I had no idea it was, like,
you know, actual racing.

It is a beautiful day
for racing.

Hey, want a hit?

Sure. Thanks, Crit.

Mmm, this homebrew of yours
is oh so refreshing.

Your bread is, uh...
Whoop, hey, there it goes!

Got away from me there.
Sorry about that.

Uh, you-you kind of threw it.
Oh, yeah.

Right. So it didn't
get away from you.

You threw it.
No, it's bad.

I was trying
to spare your feelings,

but if you want to address it,
it's not very good bread.

No, I get it. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess I got it right away.
I just thought... forget it.

Yeah. Unnecessary
little confrontation here.

Gene, you've been
oddly enthusiastic

about flag waving
these last couple weeks.

I thought you were just messing
with me, but you were serious.

Very serious.

Then, well, there's something

I want to ask you.

Oh, my God, you're dying!

I'll take over for you!

What? No, I'm not dying.
For now.

I'm not dying.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Okay.

I was gonna ask you

if you wanted
to flap your first grand prix.

(gasps)
I would be honored!

I'll wave your flag, Gus,
but I'll never replace you.

Right, I-I know.

Just to clarify,
it's only one race.

We'll see.

Guys, huddle up.
Cookie toast.

Tina, bring it home for us.

Uh, hey, Rico, these cookies
are ten dollars each.

You're eating them like they're
five dollars each. Sorry.

Can I have a cookie?
I'll put a cookie on the finish line.

But what if someone
drives over it?

That someone will be you.
Then I can't eat it.

Ugh. Great. Bryce.

You here,
me no like.

Pasta salad
on your kart.

Ugh!
(laughs)

Don't you put
pasta salad on my kart!

ANNOUNCER: Drivers, two minutes
to the start of the Grand Prix!

I'm gonna beat you!
I'm gonna beat Tina!

I'm gonna beat all
you Richie Riches!

Not likely,
especially because of that.

Aw, crap.
Flick, flick.

It's a blown pump. I don't
have my tools, but maybe

I can rig something. ANNOUNCER:
Drivers, to the starting line!

I don't know if
we're gonna make it!

We'll make it! We'll make it!

What's going on?

It looks like you have
one less competitor to beat.

But I don't want
to beat her this way.

Today, you beat
her this way.

Tomorrow, you beat
her that way.

All that matters is today
you beat her this way.

Drivers, start your engines!
(grunts) There! Now you're gonna

leak some oil, but you
just might make it around!

Thanks, Critter.
Oh, and a wheel mighfall off.

What? What?! Nothing!
Get out of your head!

Did you fix it or not, Critter?!
Let's say I did.

Go, go, go!

(tires screeching)

Come on, bumper-kart!

Hold it together!
You got this!

How you doing
out there?

Well, I'm torn
between the desire to win

and my love for my sister.

Forget it. Bye.
Bye.

Atta girl.
Let's beat these snobs!

Yeah! Uh-huh!

♪ Every day... ♪
(engine revving)

All right!
(whooping)

Gene, it's white
flag time.

Last lap coming up!

It's now or never,
Tina. Make your move!

Pass him!

Aah! Oh, come on!

Hey! That's not nice, Bryce!
Oh, I get it now.

Aah!
That's it!

(tires screeching)
What?!

So long, Bryce.
I kartly knew you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go!
Come on, Bryce, get it together.

That's Tina and
Louise out in front.

Come on, girls!
Win this thing!

Oh, my God. I assumed
they'd both lose.

What if one of them wins
and beats the other?

Dibs on not handling it!

Checkered flag time!
They're coming in!

Gene, do the double!

I'm not ready!

Easy, easy.
Deep breath.

Let it flow
from within you.

Here they come!

(tires screeching)

Son of a bitch!

SASHA:
Yes! The Grand Prix is ours!

Go Team K.I.S.

No, go Team Belcher.

Excuse me?
What are you talking about?

(thud)

Are you crazy? You're helping
another team win?!

Sorry, Sasha.
It's a family thing.

(grunting)

He's Gussin'!

What are you doing?!
Helping you win!

You should win!
You're the better driver.

You should win. You worked
really hard to get here.

I guess, but...
Oh, I just won.

Nice flag-waving, Gene!

I did it! I did it!
I waved that flag!

(whoops)
Yay, kids!

Yes! Yes, kids!

(whoops) Yeah,
that's the way to do it!

Belchers! Belchers!
Belchers...

No one? No one.

Are you done
yet, Hugo?

Look, Bob, we both know
you're slinging homebrew.

And if my supervisor wasn't
saying, "I'm going to fire you

if you waste any more time
on that case,"

I'd nail you for it.

That said...
the sausages are good.

Let's go, Ron!

Hey, can I get a box
for my pancake half?

Just stuff it into your mouth!
It's half a bite!

(doorbells jingle) BOB:
We got to stop.

We can't keep this up.

Oh, thank God.
I'm so bloated and tired.

Somebody's gonna
have to tell Teddy.

Dibs on not telling him!
Dibs on not... Damn it!

How do you
talk so fast?

TINA:
Vroom. Oh, good turn.

Vroom.
Tina? Tina?

You're-you're driving
in your sleep again.

Oh, sorry.
Yeah.

I know it's like we both won,

but maybe we both don't need
to sleep with the trophy, huh?

(sighs)
Okay, one more night.

Okay, one more week.
Sweet dreams.

(making engine noises)

♪ Racing with the road ♪

♪ Racing with
the road ♪

♪ Racing with the road ♪

♪ Racing with
the road ♪

♪ Race ♪

♪ Fast ♪

♪ Race ♪

♪ Fast ♪

♪ Race ♪

♪ Fast ♪

♪ Race ♪

♪ Fast ♪

♪ Race... ♪