Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Work Hard or Die Trying, Girl - full transcript

(indistinct arguing)

- DOUG: Your son ruined everything!
- LINDA: My son is a star!

(talking over each other)
Calm down, Linda, calm down.

He's the future
Neil Patrick Harris!

What? Neil Patrick Harris is
way more talented than Gene.

FROND: Quiet down, everyone!

Thank you.

Now, there's
a lot of parents

and children
waiting out there

that came to see
the fall musical,

but it seems that we have



some conflict going on here.

Luckily, conflict
has one enemy: Me.

So I'm going to get out
my peace pad

and we are going
to process this mess

and put it to rest.

Now, who wants
to tell me what happened?

I'll tell it!

Well, hey, why does
he get to tell it?

Because he's my
beautiful boy, that's why.

Yeah, and you're
just someone's dad.

Yeah, my dad.

People, please! Gene...

It started with
the school announcements...

MS. LABONZ (over P.A.):
Attention Wagstaff student body.



The fall musical is coming up,

and we're not
doing Grease again.

I can't!
I'm not doing it!

For this year,
we will be accepting

student submissions for
an original production.

(gasps)

So, if there's anyone out there

- who's creative...
- Me.

- Talented...
- Me!

And musically brilliant...

Me!

...this is your big chance.

Also, today's lunch is tacos.

Tacos?!

This is the best
day of my life!

Shirt rip!

(grunting)

- You guys!
- This is it!

I can finally unleash

my passion project
on the world!

Are you talking
about...

Die Hard,
the Musical!

You've been working on
that one for a while.

Yeah, ever since I saw Die Hard
and said, why is no one singing?

Why is no one dancing?

What's wrong with Hollywood?

Uh-oh. Who's got
a necklace in her mouth,

is smothering, and
like-likes you?

- Mom?
- LOUISE: No, Courtney.

Oh, no.

Hey, Gene.
Ooh...

Okay, she wants
you back.

I'll handle this.

Look, Courtney, I know
you want to get with this.

Okay? But honey...

It's a mess.

I mean, what are we
even looking at here?

Uh, no, I don't want
to get back together.

This is about the musical.

I bet you're doing
the Die Hard One, right?

He let me read it
when we were dating.

That's it, Courtney.
Just remember the good times.

Anyway, I'd love to be in it.

And I've been taking
a hip-hop dance class...

(muttering):
I my am Courtney I am...

I like to give...
and I go to the...

I... ho ho, and this...

the ho ho, and now I'm done.

(breathing hard):
So, yeah.

First of all, I love it.

Second of all, no.

Only because I want
my play to be good.

I totally get it.

That dance was horrible,
and I'm really annoying.

Anyway, bye!

- What?
- I didn't say that.

But I think I captured
the spirit of your words.

I am not annoying.

Well...
Yeah, you are.

Yeah, it's bad.

Well, I remember
it this way.

May I be in your
Die Hard musical, please?

No! I like tacos!

(farts)

Yeah, that
sounds like Gene.

Yep.

Anyway, along came the day

we were all supposed
to submit our plays...

So what's your
fall musical about?

Leaves.
(blows note)

♪ Red, yellow,
orange and brown ♪

♪ They're on the tree
then they fall down. ♪

Good...
(piano playing)

Wait, who's in there now?

♪ I've got the passion
of a woman ♪

♪ Looking for her start

♪ And the only thing
bigger than my hair ♪

(off-key):
♪ Is my heart!

And that's just one
of the amazing songs

from Working Girl,
the Musical!

Courtney!
You stole my thunder!

No, I didn't.

So it's just a coincidence

you took a beloved movie
from the 1980s...

some say the sassy
sister film to Die Hard...

and set it to music and lyrics?
Thunder thief!

I'm sorry, but that
keyboard is adorable.

Did you rescue it
from a shelter?

Nice one, Daddy.

Well, where'd you get
your keyboard, Doug,

the Too-Big Keyboard Store?

Enough keyboard insults.

Gene, it'll be your turn
in a minute

and we can hear what you've got.

You'll hear what
I've got, all right.

Because it is very audible!

(chanting): Nakatomi, Nakatomi,
Nakatomi, Nakatomi,

Nakatomi, Nakatomi, Nakatomi...

Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.

But I haven't even...
It's fine, don't worry.

Thank you.

Peter, you can
come in now.

Ready to catch my fall musical?

It's fall, y'all!

Ms. LaBonz, did I mention
that I know Carly Simon,

the artist behind
the Working Girl

and "Let the River Run,"

and if we do our play,
she'll come to the show?

We're doing Working Girl!

- Yeah!
- All right!

- Aah!
- Oh.

Oh, my poor baby!

- My baby.
- Lin, not so hard.

Can we please
stay focused here?

We absolutely can,
Mr. Frond.

Let me take over.

You see, being
the generous soul that I am,

I had to step in
and help a brother out.

Louise, why are we
in the boiler room?

I want to just go home
and crawl into bed

and have a good, long
dutch oven cry.

Buck up, Gene.

It's like I scream
into my pillow

every time I don't get
a horse on my birthday:

There's always
next year!

Guys! There's a
secret boiler room

in the back of the boiler room
that no one knows about.

I think, in the olden days,

they used it as
the faculty opium den.

Great.
So why are we here?

We're here because this room

happens to be under
the very auditorium

where Working Girl, the Musical
is gonna be performed.

Then this is where
I want to die!

No, listen!
You're gonna put on

the guerilla-slash-protest
production

of Die Hard, the Musical
on the same night, in here!

It's the perfect way
to stick it to Courtney,

right in her
thunder-stealing face!

(gasps)
It's brilliant!

The symbolism!

We'll be up-staging her
from down-stairs-stage!

No, what's
brilliant is

we're going to charge
five bucks a head.

Wow!
What a considerate

- and lucrative solution to Gene's problem.
- I know!

You're the smartest person
in the whole world!

I know!

(chanting):
Louise is the best!

Louise is the best!
Louise is the best!

Louise is the best!

What?

What's taking so long?
Waiting is gross.

Yeah, the show must go on!

That's a thing, right?

Well, Gene, you
violated school rules

by entering the prohibited
secret boiler room...

Yup.

You decided to put on
a guerilla-slash-protest play

- the same night as the fall musical...
- Amazing.

Things are not stacking up
in your favor here.

Do you want the whole story
or not, Mr. Frond?

Oh, my God, every word.
I could do this all night.

So things were really
coming together...

Okay, we got the musical,
we got the venue.

Now all we need
is the actors.

Right. Do you know
Sir Ian McKellen?

No.
- Crap.

Hello, Courtney.
Cool piece of paper.

Gene, if you're here to try out

for Working Girl, the Musical,
you're too late.

I'm posting
the cast list right now.

But I suppose I
could work you in,

as like a really
stupid stapler

or a desk
or something.

I'd be an
incredible stapler!

But don't even worry about it,

- 'cause I'm putting on a pl...
- Weight!

He's putting on
a lot of weight,

not being in any plays or
talking about other plays

that could get
him in trouble.

Oh, right...

Oh, well, good luck
with your weight gain.

Looks like you're
almost there, bye!

Thank you.

You guys,
I'm secretary number one!

Eat it, two and three!

Yay!

- Aw, man.
- Come on!

Well, Mom, I guess I don't have
the dashing good looks and charm

of a medium-young Harrison Ford.

I think I've
found our cast.

LOUISE: May I present the People
that Didn't Get Cast

in Courtney's Play But Still
Want to Be in a Play Players.

Yep, did not make the cut.

I guess I'll have to win
an Oscar for wrestling.

Is it because I can't not sing
like Mariah Carey?

♪ I can't help it.

- We stepped on each other's lines.
- We stepped on each other's lines.

Miss Merkin, what
are you doing here?

I've played piano for the
Wagstaff Musical for 24 years.

Then Doug comes in
and pushes me out!

Well, how are you
with a Casio?

(plays beautiful riff,
adds dog bark)

I think I can manage.

Oh, wait.
We still need a girl

to play Holly
Gennaro McClane.

- So I guess that's you?
- Oh, no way.

I'm that blond bad-ass
guy or nothing.

Fine, then it's Tina.
Where is Tina?

TINA:
♪ I'm Katherine Parker

♪ And I'm super rich

♪ And soon you will find
that I'm quite a... bleep. ♪

Okay, so
I betrayed Gene

by being in
Courtney's play,

but I have a perfectly
good explanation.

♪ I'm a business man
with a business plan ♪

♪ I need a business woman
with some business hands... ♪

So, yeah.

Oh, God.

But your characters don't even
end up together!

We're all allowed to interpret
the movie differently.

No, they definitely
don't end up together.

Eh, to each his own.

No, they
really don't.

Well, comme ci comme ça.

All right, well, now
you're just saying words.

C'est la vie.

Anyway, it was the day
before the big show.

Some of you might
call it yesterday...

See you at my play
tomorrow night.

I wrote a play, we're doing it
tomorrow, see you there.

Where? Wait...
You hear that?

It's the sound of
me having a play

and you not having one!
It sounds like,

♪ Yeah, I have a play
and you don't have a play ♪

♪ I have a play,
you don't have a play... ♪

Aah! I'll show you,
Courtney Wheeler!

In a way that I can't
tell you about right now!

So never mind! Bye!

♪ Why did you throw
that corpse on my car? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm inviting you
to the party, pal ♪

♪ Think we're gonna
be great pals ♪

♪ Al and John,
John and Al... ♪

Now come here.
I'm gonna wrestle ya.

Get over here!
Ow! Okay...

- Come on!
- GENE: No, no, no, no!

John McClane
is in a tower.

Sergeant Al Powell
is on the ground!

You can't wrestle!

- I made a creative choice.
- Very bold.

And Rudy, you're moving
your hands too much.

And quit wheezing!

(wheezing):
I'm sorry, the asbestos might be

affecting my lungs a little,
but I'll work on it.

Um, can we turn down the heat?

Yeah, it's boiling
up in here!

It's the boiler
room, Zeke!

It's what it does!

It's like you guys
don't even care about this

guerilla-slash-protest musical

designed to take down Courtney
and send us to Broadway!

Uh, Gene.

- (clears throat) A... a word?
- Mm-hmm.

The play is
tomorrow night.

We gotta get
it together.

Give 'em a pep
talk, you know?

Put some fire
in their butts!

Is the putting
a fire in the butt

part of the inspiration,

or is that
a separate suggestion?

- Ugh, damn it.
- Fine.

Listen up: I wrote an
incredible musical.

And I thought together we'd
create the kind of theater

that would make the gods cry.

But now I'm like,
"What am I, nuts?"

You're all blowing it!

Zeke with your wrestling,

Darryl and your
extra-note singing,

Crazy Arm Rudy over here!

Andy and Ollie,

FBI agents don't hold hands!

These ones do.

Yeah, and they sleep
in the same bed.

And now I'm realizing
that the only way

to make this production shine

is if I fire all of you
and play all the roles myself!

Uh... (chuckling)

Say what?
Except for Miss Merkin.

You're my rock, girl.
Thank you.

And I've been thinking
about getting you

drums and maybe
a cute top.

You cool with that?
You know it.

So congratulations,

the rest of you
have been demoted to stagehands

on Die Hard, the Musical,
a one-Gene show!

Hurray.

It's gonna kick ass.

So you fired the casting,

and made Die Hard, the Musical
a one-man show?

Yes, starring me. Gene. Yeah.

Okay, well,
I've come to the part

where I blame the parents.
Bob, Linda...

- Hi.
- Uh-huh?

- I'm blaming you.
- Yeah. Oh.

Why didn't you step in
and do something here?

Hey, we don't know
all the crazy crap

our kids are doing.
We don't want to know.

But I did start
to get suspicious

when we were walking
into the fall musical

and I found this weird
thing in my pocket.

♪ Musical! Musical!

♪ Time to watch your sister
in a musical! ♪

Wait, what's this weird
thing in my pocket?

LOUISE:
See you in there!

"You are invited
to attend the performance

"of Die Hard, the Musical,

"a one-Gene show,

in the secret boiler room
at school tonight."

Gene's in a musical
at school, too? Tonight?

Oh, my God, our kids are
in competing musicals!

I always dreamed this
night would happen.

- Aw...
- That's your dream?

Yeah, Tina's the
president and this.

Well, I guess one of us
should go to Gene's play.

I call Working Girl!

Ugh, fine, I'll
go backstage

to wish Tina good luck.

Hey, my little
Sigourney Weaver-achiever.

How's your
stage fright, honey?

It just so happens I
found the only cure.

(whispering):
It's his butt.

Dad, Jocelyn's shoulder
pads are too big!

She's stuck in the doorway!

(grunts)

Just kick her
from behind!

Sheesh! Theater people!

So dramatic.

God, I love it.
(laughs)

♪ I want to sing,
I want to dance ♪

♪ I want to act,
I want to play! ♪

Um, Mom?

♪ Yeah...
Oh, sorry.

No! This is
Carly Simon's seat.

Are you Carly Simon?

Uh, no.

I know you're not!

Wow. Carly Simon's
gonna be here?!

Psst, Dad!

What?
Come with me.

Oh, um, I think your mom was
gonna go to Gene's weird play,

and I was gonna stay
here and watch Tina.

Uh, I don't think so.

We need your giant body to make
the audience look fuller!

But Working Girl's the
film that inspired me

to be anything
I wanted to be!

And so you're this?
Come on, Dad!

(sighs)
Fine.

Hey, if you want to see some
real, gritty theater,

we got Die Hard, the Musical
down in the basement.

Only five bucks!

Louise, don't bother
these people.

Plus, that's not gonna work.
Oh.

I'm a Die Hard freak.
Check it out.

Bonnie Bedelia.

Also, I'm
just an uncle,

so no biggie.
(chuckles)

LOUISE:
Here ya go, champ.

Geez, it's hot in here.

- Whoa, is that a rat?
- Yes, it is.

Huh.

I guess Bob went
to Gene's play.

My son's doing
Die Hard, the Musical,

in the basement.

It's a competing musical.

It's competing with this one
right now.

Shh!

- Aah, you're jealous.
- Shh.

♪ This is a boat

♪ A boat that is a ferry

♪ Ferry on the water

♪ Staten Island Ferry

♪ I'm a working girl

♪ A workin' working girl

♪ I'm a girl
who's working ♪

♪ I work...

♪ In New York Ci... ty

GENE: All aboard the plane
from New York to Los Angeles!

(imitating airplane engines)

Thanks, Argyle.

Boy, that guy
on the airplane was right

about taking my shoes off.

♪ I'm a barefoot cop... oh!

♪ Coffee, coffee
♪ Coffee, coffee ♪

♪ Coffee's all I get
♪ Coffee, coffee ♪

♪ How'm I gonna get ahead...
♪ Coffee, coffee... ♪

GENE:
♪ I'm Grubin'

♪ I'm Hans Gruber
and I'm Grubin' ♪

♪ And sometimes that
can mean shootin' ♪

♪ Mr. Takagi in the head...

♪ Hey, this is Katherine,
you work for me ♪

♪ I've broken my leg
while trying to ski ♪

♪ Do me a favor
and fill in for me ♪

♪ Even though I stole
your radio deal idea ♪

♪ For Trask
Industries... ♪

You did what?!

That's my daughter!

- Shh!
- Jealous.

This is everything

that's wrong
with Broadway today.

Die Hard, one-man-show,
in the basement.

Blow your mind!

Okay.

Aw, I'm missing it!

Maybe I can pop down for a bit.

There I go.

♪ Fight scene, fight scene

♪ We're gonna have
a fight scene ♪

(grunting)

Oh, my God.

Eh, 'scuse me,
eh, 'scuse me.

I know, right?
He's magnificent!

Ooh, it's warm in here.

Hey, did Louise
charge you five bucks?

- Yes.
- Ooh, rat!

♪ I have a head for business

♪ And a bod for sin

♪ Well I want both,
so count me in! ♪

Smile. Smile!

What the hell?

Where is everybody?!
Hey, hey, hey!

Where are you going?
Uh... nowhere.

And, uh, not to the Die Hard
musical in the basement.

Great job, Jimmy Jr.!
(whoops)

Thanks, Dad.

Where the hell
is Carly Simon?!

She, uh, left a message!

She's getting drive through...
for everyone.

♪ Oh, the life
of the wife of a cop ♪

♪ Makes my head spin
around like a top... ♪

Hey, hey! Five bucks!

What's going on?!

You're doing your
Die Hard musical?!

Oh, I love the
Holly Gennaro McClane number.

Oh, my God!

He's musical battling us.

I've seen it
a million times!

Stop it!

Stop that singing
right now!

Nobody tells my son
to stop singing!

Well, actually, I've
probably seen enough.

Keep going, baby!

♪ That Johnny McClane's

♪ Driving this gal insane...

I'll make him stop.

(slow-motion):
Daddy, no!

(grunting in slow motion)

(audience gasping)

(slow-motion):
Huh?

- (gasping) Ugh!
- Wow.

Yes! That man hit my son
with a shoulder pad.

Hold on!

I accidentally grabbed
a shoulder pad,

maybe it went flying,
maybe not.

And then she
came after me!

And Bob pushed me!

Hey, I was just pushing you
away from Linda.

She's crazy.

That's right, honey!

Oh, my God. I'm rich.

- What?
- Nothing.

Well, I think
I've heard everything.

Great, let's all go watch
the end of my play.

I hear the finale
is amazing.

No, no, my play!

Nobody wants to watch you
running around changing wigs!

Tell that
to British Parliament!

I-I have to admit,
watching one person

do Die Hard is
a little... bad.

(gasps)
Father!

Hey, at least Gene's was raw!
From the gut.

Courtney's was all slick
like a kid didn't even do it.

That's because a kid
could never do it. Never!

Oh, yeah?

My son's not the one
who promised Carly Simon,

and then left
everyone hanging!

She just texted me
that she was car-jacked,

but she's still going
to try to make it!

So we should finish
our play, Mr. Frond.

Yeah!

(stammers)
No, no, no, no, no.

My mother was right.

This musical theater stuff is
just too dangerous.

So for the safety of everyone,

there will be no more
musicals tonight.

And maybe ever!

LOUISE: What?
LINDA and TINA: No!

I don't know if I have
that authority,

but at least for tonight,
it's finished.

- Oh, come on!
- No!

What happened?

Are we gonna finish
the play?

No, come here.

Shh-shh-shh.
Come here, come here.

We'll get through this.

I-I-I don't want...
No. No, thanks.

Okay, time to go home,
everyone.

Show's over.

(all groaning)

Yeah, the whole night
was a bust.

Come on, Gene.
Let's go home.

Wait! Mr. Frond!

What?

I guess one boy,

no matter how talented...

and charismatic...
and likable...

doesn't have the right to ruin
musicals for everyone.

So, Courtney,
you finish your play.

Aw, Gene.

So noble!

No, Gene.
You were right.

I did steal your thunder.

Working Girl is the sassy
sister film to Die Hard.

Everybody knows that.

I was just so mad you wouldn't
let me be in your play.

Well, maybe we can be
in each other's plays.

I... What?!

We just need three and a half
hours to prepare.

Gene, it's 9:30, and I have
a lot of sweat in my underwear.

Fine, fine.

25 minutes.

(stammers)
No way, Gene. This is done.

Aw, too bad.

Seems like that conflict
resolution could've been epic.

Maybe award winning.

Oh, my God.

You think I could win
a Conflicty for this?!

Yeah, you could win a Conflicty!

Let's do it!

(all cheering)

All right,
come on, everybody!

Take my hands.

No, wait, wait.
Whoa.

We got to do this ourselves.

It's what Tess McGill
would've wanted.

But Courtney,
honey...

(muffled mumbling)
Sometimes... Shh!

Sometimes to break
through the glass ceiling,

you got to break
some hearts.

And glass.

You probably think
this slap is about you.

Ow!

So I don't know
if we can pull this off,

I mean, we wrote and rehearsed
it in under 20 minutes,

but if we do,

it's because we did it together.

All of us.

That's exactly what people say

before they make a baby,
I think.

Okay, well,
without any further ado,

we present to you the musical
rom-com-slash-action-thriller,

Work Hard or Die Trying, Girl.

Oh, no!

We're a bunch of secretaries
from New York

held hostage in
Nakatomi Towers!

Shush!

I'm Karl, the one
with beautiful hair!

I'm Hans Gruber.
Consider yourself Grubed!

Tess McGill can't let

a bunch of terrorists
ruin her dream.

I hope the police
come soon.

Ow! Glass!
Hurtin' John McClane's feet!

♪ I'm Agent Johnson

♪ And I'm Agent Johnson

♪ And we're from the FBI

♪ I'm Johnson
He's Johnson!

- ♪ He's Johnson
- I'm Johnson!

BOTH: ♪ Two fancy-footed
federal guys ♪

♪ I might just be
a local cop ♪

♪ But will you guys
back off me? ♪

♪ Things are getting
pretty tense ♪

♪ Does anybody
want coffee? ♪

You know we're not so
different, you and I.

♪ We're both
ambitious, Hans ♪

Tess McGill, you've stolen
this Gruber's heart.

♪ Like I'm stealing
♪ Like you're stealing

♪ These bearer bonds

♪ I cracked the co... de

So here's
the bearer bonds.

Which is the same
as money, I guess.

Hey, let's make
that radio deal.

Hip hop?

Hip hop.

♪

Mwah!

That's not in the script.

Just go with it...
they love it!

Is that two rows
of teeth I'm feeling?

My baby teeth
never fell out.

And Jack Trainer and I
are a couple now as well,

so that's good.
Hip hop. Hip hop.

♪ Hans, you're feeling
love's great power ♪

♪ But now I got to push you
off the tower! ♪

Now come here.
I'm gonna get ya.

Come on.

(screams)

I'm so mad
about my brother

so I kill you
about it!

No...!

(screams)

Thanks, Al!

If only there
was a place

where we could all be
happy and not get killed!

ALL:
♪ Maybe there's a tower

♪ Somewhere up above

♪ Filled with bearer bonds
and love ♪

♪ Where dreams don't die hard

♪ Maybe there's a tower

♪ Somewhere up above

♪ Filled with shoulder pads
and love ♪

♪ Where dreams can fly hard

♪ But until we can live
in that imaginary world ♪

♪ We'll work hard
or die trying, girl. ♪

Yes! Yes!
(whoops)

Oh, my God!

Carly Simon?

Who?

Oh, sorry. Y-You...

you look
like Carly Simon.

You look like
Carly Simon.

It's a compliment.

Back off.

Sorry. Geez.

I smell a Tony!

Which is also what happens to be
what I call my farts.

♪ Work hard... ♪

♪ Or die trying, ♪

WOMAN: ♪ Ooh, you work hard,
you die hard ♪

♪ Work hard ♪
GENE: You work hard!

ZEKE:
Come on, come on!

WOMAN: ♪ Oh!
♪ Or die trying, girl ♪

♪ You work hard, you try hard

♪ Ooh...
♪ Work hard ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh...
♪ Or die trying, girl ♪

GENE:
Yeah!

♪ You work hard, you die hard

♪ Work hard ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no

♪ Work hard...
♪ Or die trying, girl ♪

GENE:
♪ Ooh, yeah! ♪