Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 22 - World Wharf II: The Wharfening (or How Bob Saves/Destroys the Town - Part II) - full transcript

I am in the midst of negotiations

to sell Wonder Wharf
and build... high-end condos.

What does Mr. Fischoeder say
about that?

You work on him, convince him to sell.

"Carousel no longer in service"?

"Newer, better, less boring
ride coming soon"?

♪ I know you're already
a wealthy-ish guy ♪

♪ But think of what
that condo money could buy ♪

♪ And I'd open up Bob's
Beach Burgers and Fries... ♪

That's how you lock your sister to
a wooden horse. Yeah.

I'm not ever selling this wharf!



What?!

Hey, have you ever pooped out a key?

No. Um... dice.

Glad you like this rotten
old wharf so much,

'cause it's where they're going
to find your rotten old bodies!

Oh, God.

This is bad. Ow!

These ropes are tight.
This is really bad.

There's no point
in making us uncomfortable

before you kill us, Felix.

What happened to common courtesy?

Stop talking!
Keep being scared.

Oh, just shoot us already,
for God's sake.

The suspense is boring me.



What?! No! Don't.
What are you doing?

I'm calling his bluff, Bob.

Come on, pull the trigger,
you big baby.

I'm not a baby!
I'm a big boy!

A big, dangerous boy!
Baby.

Stop it!
Baby.

Stop it!
Come on, baby!

Stop teasing him!
I can't help it.

He's incapable of doing
anything right on his own.

Stop saying that!
I'm sick of it! Calvin...

Calvin, I've lived too long

in your stupid, weird shadow
to just shoot you.

You're going to die slowly, tied
to the pier you love so much.

I-I don't love it.

You see that way up there
above your head?

That's the high-tide line.

That's where the water's gonna be

in just a little while.
I see.

You'll watch the tide come in
before you drown,

which will give you time to think

about how all this
could have been avoided

if you'd just stayed on track and
sold the friggin' wharf with me!

Oh, God.

Now I have to kill you and
inherit your stupid voting share

and do what you wouldn't do.

You'll just be some dead guy
getting eaten by crabs,

and I'll be Mr. Fischoeder!

Me, not you!

You'll be Calvin... Crabs, the
stupidest dead person in the world.

Well said! Well, I-I just want to say,

you are already the important
Fischoeder to me, Felix.

I've always felt... Bob. Bob,
Bob, Bob, I see what you're doing.

I see what you're going for
here, but I'm mad at you, too.

Plus, you got to kill the witness.

Everyone knows that.
That is true.

Don't agree with him!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to get up there and start
living my new amazing life

as Felix Fischoeder, the condo king

with a dark secret and a girlfriend!

Okay. Oh, God.
Please, Mr. Fischoeder, do something.

I have kids!
Oh, come on, Bob.

Those kids aren't that great.
Felix, come back!

I will... later. I'll see you
when you're dead! Buh-bye!

Help!

Well, thanks to your father,

we aren't getting any new
condos in this dumb town.

No new money and no
Bob's Burgers on the Beach.

Nope. Just back to our
boring, crappy lives

in this stinky, poopy, rundown,
shanty town by the sea.

Where is Dad anyway?

I haven't seen him
for, like, 45 minutes.

Do you think
he has a separate Dad pad?

Maybe he's back at the restaurant.

That's where I always picture him.

Hmm, no Bob.

Well, I guess we'll open up
for dinner without him.

Maybe he's out partying with
Mr. Fischoeder, his new buddy.

Big boys night out, I guess.

We can have a girls night in.

I have a great new nail polish
I've been dying to try.

It's called "clear."

Sure, if you want
to look like a prostitute.

Fanny, there's my silly skunk!

No! Get away from me!
Get off!

Sweetie, I know you're
upset, but listen.

I took care of everything.

The condos are back on, all right?

So, I will just put my arm
around you thusly. Uh-uh!

Fanny!

I just said...

I took care of everything.

So, I'm getting my recording
studio and my nightclub?

Yes! Damn it!

I took care of it!

Don't yell at me.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm... Oh, God.

You know, I'm having a stressful day.

Don't care.
Hey, let's, uh, walk around

and see where that nightclub will be.

Okay. How about over there?

No! Okay. How about...
uh, you like that location?

Mm... mm-mm. Right. Let's...
look to our left now.

I don't like any of 'em.

Quit squirming around, Bob.

Do you have worms?

'Cause I do, and you're
making them crazy.

I'm trying to get my phone
out of my back pocket.

I can't reach it.

Mr. Fischoeder,
you need to get it for me.

Oh. All right.

Ooh. Ooh! That's unfortunate. What is?

Your butt.
Oh. Sorry?

Up here, you're okay, but
down here, it gets bad.

Okay, just pull the phone out. Okay.

Flip it open! Really?
You have a flip phone?

Yes. It works fine to make calls,
and that's what phones are for.

Nonsense, Bob.

Phones are for playing
tiny games about fruit on.

Just hit the call button,
Mr. Fischoeder.

It'll dial Linda since
I called her last. Ah!

Hello?

She answered!
Linda! Linda!

Hello, Linda!

Bob? I can't hear you, hon.

Linda! It's loud.

I think he's at a bar.

I'm gonna kill him.

Oh, what's that laughing?
What is...? Bob?!

Linda, listen!
Felix tied us up under the pier!

Call the police!

I think he butt-dialed you.

Yup, that's his butt's voice.

Dad, it's Tina. Are you at
a party? Are there boys there?

Bob, you're wasting all our minutes,

so you better be out
buying more minutes! Bye!

I still can't hear you!

He's pocket-dialing me again.

Lin, don't hang up!
No, no, no, no.

Ugh! Try her again.

Bob, I think we're coming
off a little desperate.

We are desperate!

Bob, I'm putting your butt
on "silent," for once.

Who wants ice cream?

No! No, no!
Ooh, that's chilly.

That 911 operator
did not like us, Bob.

No one can hear us.
They thought we were prank calling.

Maybe we could text 911.

Can that sad little thing text?

Sort of.
Oh, we could text Linda!

It'll be hard, but let's try it.

Yeah, it's hard.

I can't really see what I'm typing.

I'm just pressing on the phone.

Wow, the tide is coming in fast.

It's the same speed
it always comes in.

Don't blame this on the ocean, Bob.

Hey, what are you looking at?

My boobs are up here.

Oh, sorry, babe. I...

There they are...
Milo and Otis.

No, that one's Milo, that one's Otis.

♪ Ding-dong, diddly,
ding-dong, dong! ♪

Mom, you got a text!
You're blowing up!

What's your secret?

Maybe it's Jimmy Jr.

texting you to ask you what I'm
doing for the rest of my life.

He's gonna be pretty
disappointed when he finds out.

It's from your dad.

"Help. I'm tired yo." What?!

Of course he's tired.
He's so old.

Your father doesn't say "yo."

The only time he ever said "yo" was

when he went to Tina's
class for career day.

Maybe that's not
what he meant to type.

Maybe it's autocorrected.

Oh, yeah.
Like that time I texted mom

that I was super horny
when I was really super hungry.

Why would I be horny?
I'm not an antelope.

I wonder what his text
was supposed to be.

What if it was something
that would make us all LOL?

Well, let's figure it out.
Should be easy.

Dad doesn't know that many words.

We got to get that phone.

I'll try to get it with my foot.

Oh, look at those nimble,
hairy little toe-men go.

What the hell was that?

I think I took a picture,
and I think I sent it.

I hope you got my best side.

I'm talking about
my wiener bulge. Stop.

Tina, are you wearing my
bike lock as a necklace?

Kind of? Well, it's very flattering.

It makes your head look... safe.

Now he sent me a weird picture.

Okay, you know, I'm starting to
get a little worried about him.

Let me see that.

Just looks like a white blob to me.

Look who's talking.

Oh... that's Mr. Fischoeder's butt.

How do you know what Mr.
Fischoeder's butt looks like?

I have a photographic butt memory.
Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute.
What's that thing?

Could be a rope or maybe a breadstick?

Ah, they stole my idea
for breadstick ropes.

I think I got it.

I'm getting it up your leg.
Grab it.

Grab it.
Oh, but it's all footy.

Grab it! If it drops in the water,
it's over! Fine.

Okay, the autocorrect
suggestions for "tired"

and "yo" are up there.

Now we match 'em up
and see what makes sense.

Maybe he meant, "I cried, y'all."

Why is he now Southern?!

Could it be...

"I tried blow"?

We were gonna do that
together. Just once.

Oh, my God! Teddy was right!

I knew it!
Wait... about what?

About the picture, the rope.

"Tired yo" is... "Tied up"!

Dad's tied up somewhere!

He's in a meeting!

And he's going
to be there for a while.

I hope this is working.

I tried to write,
"Felix has us under the pier."

I'm not sure if I got it all, but
it should be close. Hit "send."

Are you sure, Bob? Are you
going to yell at me again?

Just hit "send." Okay.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Aha!

Well, who gets to yell at whom now?

Oh, my God.
Did you hit "send"?

Well, I hit something.
Let's talk about something else.

I spy with my little eye one
large cloud shaped like a camel.

Right there.
Where?

That one.
That one, yes.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, my God,
who's got my Bobby tied up?

Let's think. Who are Dad's enemies?

Time, gravity, toothpaste...
Jimmy Pesto.

Eh, Jimmy's got
an alibi, which is,

he is dumb.

It's from Dad! It says, "Fix
got under seven seven,"

then a shrimp emoji,
and the word "Pierre."

Oh, God! Someone named Pierre's
got him tied up,

and he's force-feeding him shrimp.

Okay, everyone, stand back!
Help! Help!

You have to pull yourself together!

You have two children and
a Louise to take care of!

Okay, okay.
Stop slapping me.

Oh, no, wait...
one more.

Wait a second.

Guys, there's a restaurant a few
blocks away, called Pierre's,

and they serve shrimp and breadsticks.

Breadsticks! They're all right.
They're not great.

Quick, Mom. Let's close the
restaurant forever and go find Dad!

Hang on, Dad.
Here we come.

And hang on, shrimp.
Here comes Gene.

Well, look at the bright side.

With the water this high, we
can finally go to the bathroom

without being embarrassed.

Oh, that's warm.
Yeah.

You doing that?
I'm doing it.

Okay, so, I'll do the talking.

No, I'll do the talking,
you do the roughing up.

And I'll eat the shrimp.

And I'll watch Gene eat the shrimp.

And I'll look around for clues.

But if any of those clues are
shrimp, bag 'em and give 'em to me.

Hello. Welcome to Pierre's.

Table for...
what do we have, five?

Yeah.

We're not here to eat.

We're looking for this guy.

His name's Bob, and you kidnapped him!

Let me at him!
Give me back my son!

I don't have your...
What are you...? Please!

All right, let me look
at the toilet picture again.

You got a lot of nerve, buddy.

Ow! Ah, can't breathe.

Seeing... spots.

Don't want to... die.

Wow, that guy really fainted.

And barfed.
I feel bad.

He got really upset there.

All we're trying to do
is just talk to him.

But he still gave me shrimp.

And he said come back anytime.

What a class act.

Uh, well, what do we do now?

Yep. Uh-huh.

What is it? What is it?

I think I know where Bob is.

Where?! He took the chug
boat out to Alcohol Island.

These are drunk texts.

I know 'em when I see 'em. Oh...
Look, here are 87 texts I sent

to my ex-wife last night.

"I'm sorry I'm not sorry"?

Well, Bosco was no help.

We got to face facts.

No one cares about Dad except us.

And, really, it's just Mom.

And me. And Tina.
Time to split up and search.

If we want to find him, we're gonna
have to track him down ourselves.

Does anyone have anything
of his we can smell?

I have his jeans.

We all have his genes.

No, I have his jeans.

I cut them into shorts.

Oh, come on, like you're not
all wearing a pair

of Dad's cutoff jeans
under your clothes!

Wow, wow, wow.

I didn't think he'd go through
with it. Where's your family, Bob?

Why aren't they looking for us?
I don't know.

Maybe they didn't get our texts.

Well, things are bad, Bob.

Things are very bad.

♪ I never thought this is
how I would go ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Here under the pier
tied to Mr. Fischoe ♪

♪ Der, but looks like Linda will be a
widow ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, bad things are bad ♪

♪ I fear that my Bob's
in a terrible place ♪

♪ Maybe you'll find him inside ♪

♪ Of this vase ♪

♪ Maybe a lion is eating his face ♪

♪ Oh, bad things are bad ♪

♪ Maybe your Dad was tied up
by a sailor ♪

♪ I'll help you look ♪

♪ After I pump this inhaler ♪

♪ Check out my pants,
they are perfectly tailored ♪

Oh, yeah. Nice.
Thanks.

♪ Oh, bad things are bad ♪

♪ Oh, I wish
that Bob would come back ♪

♪ I could really use a big snack ♪

♪ Okay, it's not a burger
but I'll just pretend it is ♪

♪ And maybe cry... ♪

♪ I did what I had to,
I have no regrets ♪

♪ I murdered my brother
for power and sex ♪

♪ What's this weird feeling
inside of my chest? ♪

♪ Why do you keep not
looking at my breasts? ♪

♪ Oh, bad things are bad ♪

♪ Farewell, cruel world,
looks like I'll die alone ♪

♪ If only you'd purchased
a better cell phone ♪

♪ And now I'll never know
who wins Game of Thrones ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Things are bad! ♪

At first it was kind of
funny that Dad was missing,

but now I don't like it.

We could end up with just Mom.

No offense, Mom.
No, no, we need your dad.

You kids are a two-adult,
two-bottle-of-wine-a-night job.

Ugh! Where the hell is he?

He didn't just disappear.

Oh, hey, look.
There's Felix.

We got to warn him his brother's
in danger! Felix! Felix!

Linda! What are you doing here?
We got these weird texts from Bob.

We think he's with your brother.
You see?

My-my daughter says that's
probably his butt. Definitely.

Definitely his butt.
Look, okay?!

What?
I mean, look,

I'm trying to be super
friendly here, Linda, but...

I don't know where he is, okay?

Linda, Linda, Linda.

Bob and my brother are probably just,

right at this moment, terrified...
What? gasping for...

What?
Gasping for what?

Cheese?

You are sweating a lot, Felix.

You are moist.
You don't know how moist I usually am.

You feeling okay?

Uh... ooh...

ah... oh...

oh...
Well, Felix seems fine.

oh... uh...

Calvin!
What have I done?

I recognize that sound.

From the phone call.
He's here!

Bob's right here somewhere.
Hey, where'd Felix go?

Why is Felix going
down under the pier?

I need him to pay for this hot dog.

Do you have any money?
How about you? Little one.

How 'bout you, glasses? No?

The pier?

Pierre is pier.

Bob's under the pier!
Oh, my God!

Uh, we need three
pedal boats... and hurry!

Well, if you want a fast boat,
you really want the turtle.

I know it's counterintuitive...

Just get in!
Now, you need to wear a life vest...

Move it, chump!

Enjoy your time on the water.
It's beautiful.

Dad, if you're dying, don't!

It's not your time, Dad!

I want to put you in a
nursing home next year!

You've got to teach me to shave!

Everywhere!

Hey!

someone's coming!
Over here!

Over here...

It's Felix!

I knew it!

Oh, no. No, no, no.

No. I knew he didn't have the ball...

What do you want now, Felix?

I'm here to save you!
Oh.

Hurry up then!
Untie us!

Right, so, just going to, uh...

shoot into the water
to undo the ropes.

No! No, no, no.

That's a bad plan, Felix!
Bad plan!

Mm...
He's too chicken to jump in.

Oh, my God, could you stop
taunting your brother?

Yeah, and I'm not chicken!

I'm... It's just
the water's, uh, choppy.

Bobby!

Linda!
Dad!

Everyone quiet!
I'm preparing to jump in

and save them... just, uh, need
to mentally get ready here.

Oh, come on!

Someone, please hurry!

Felix, what the hell is going on?

I was gonna kill my brother
so I could sell the wharf

and get you your nightclub,
but I-I can't do it.

What?!
I'm going in.

Uh-uh, Felix.

Nobody move!

What? Fanny,
what are you doing?

I won't let you ruin my dream.

This is my time!

All of my life, people have been
telling me what I can't do.

"Fanny, you can't show your butt."

"Fanny, you can't shoot people."

Oh, God.

Shut up! I can't think.

What else is new?

Okay, Linda, you and the kids

get off your boats, get in
the water and then drown.

Can't we just do the first part
and splash around and have fun?

Oh, come on, Fanny, I'm your gal pal.

Shopping? Right?

No! Out!

Kids, grab onto me.

Use me to float.

Fanny, don't do this.
Shut up, Felix!

Just sit there and inherit his money.

Okay, everyone start drowning...

now!

Glug, glug!

Ach!
You guys are so bad at drowning.

I guess I'm gonna have to shoot you!

Oh, God.

I'm sorry I got us into this.

Kids, I love you.

And, Linda, I love you, too.

Almost as much as the kids, but not...

Oh, Bobby... I love you, too.

I'm sorry I was mad at you
about the stupid condos.

I love you, Mom!
And you, Dad!

I love you all.
But that's just between us.

I love everyone!
I love you, Mom.

Oh, I love you too, honey.

What-what are they all doing?
I have no idea.

- I love you guys!
- I love you, Dad!

- Oh, God, they're starting again.
- I love you, Mom.

Okay, listen up!
I'm gonna shoot you first.

One...
Bobby, no!

two...

Fanny, wait!
What?!

Uh, uh, before I die,

um, could you... I would really
like to hear one of your songs.

Really?

Oh, my God.

So sweet. Which one?

Uh, the one about the dancing?

And it's really loud?

"Dancing So Loud"?
Yes!

Well, that one's
not really finished yet.

I'll sing "Mr. Dance Floor." It's hot.
Oh, good, good.

♪ Who's that knocking on my door? ♪

♪ Ooh, it's Mr. Dance Floor... ♪

Linda, the piling. What?

The piling near Fanny, Lin.

Ram that boat shaped
like a turtle into it.

Oh. Got it.

Got it.

♪ Everybody's looking fancy ♪

♪ Things are about to get dancey... ♪

Show's over, Fanny!

Hmm?

Quick! Someone untie us!

I'm coming for you, Bobby!

I'm not that great at knots,
but I'll try.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Oh, thank God.

Yay, Mom. Hmm?

Oh, God, swim away! Swim away!

Everyone dive! Dive!

Tina!

Thank God, you beautiful
four-eyed son of a bitch.

Mom!

There's my girls.
Where's Gene?

I'm over here.
Just doin' my own thing.

- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Who cares?

Where's my Bobby?
Ah!

You saved us, Linda.
Thank God we live in a time

where women can learn to swim.

A burial at sea... it's what
the carousel would've wanted.

We talked about it
a lot toward the end.

My little Fanny-apple!

Uh-uh, my hair's wet!

Where are they going?

They're swim-running away!

They're escaping to Mexico!

Or whatever's across the water.
What's over there?

So I guess
they'll arrest Felix, too.

No. I told them Fanny was
responsible for everything.

What?!
Look at him, Bob.

We can't send him to jail.

He'd hate it there.

He tried to kill us.
Not really.

We were just, uh, wrestling.

Like brothers.
Wrestling?

Tussling? Bonding.
I don't know.

Oh, my God.
Besides, he came back for us.

I told you he'd never
go through with it.

I'm gonna tell them.
Hey, how 'bout $4,000?

Would that make you
feel better? What?!

You can't put a price on my family.

Two.

One. Blastoff!

Guys, will you give me
a minute here? Great!

We'll just forget the whole thing.
I didn't say...

What a crazy day!

God, I had cereal in the morning,

and by nighttime I'm getting murdered.
Lin, I'm trying

to work out some money thing
here with Mr. Fischoeder, so...

Uh-uh. You need a warm shower
and a hot meal, mister.

Felix, I get one free punch.

Come here.
You know the rules.

Bob, I'm glad we found you.

I'm glad, too, Lin.

The Belchers are a land family.

We should be together in a restaurant,
not under some dumb wharf.

Let's go home.

It's not dumb.

That's the wharf we saved;
That Dad saved.

And look how it thanks us.

Well, it sort of saved us.

We get it, Dad...
you love the wharf.

I don't even
want to look at it.

Ooh, I'm gonna have a bottle of
wine and eat some croutons in bed.

Yay, crouton party
in Mom and Dad's bed.

- No.
- Yes!

Oh, my God.