Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Kids Rob a Train - full transcript

Mmm...

Mmm...

You gotta wrap it up, Teddy.

We're closing for the afternoon,

but we'll be back in a few
hours for the dinner rush.

I'm ready! Let's go!

- Why do you have two bottles of wine?
- What? It's a wine train.

Ooh. You guys going on the wine train?

Uh, you get the wine
on the train, Lin.

You don't have to bring it.

Oh...



Otherwise, it would be
just called a train.

Right.

Lin, you're sure kids
are allowed on this thing?

It says right here in the brochure,
"Kids are allowed."

It says, "Kids are allowed,
"but not welcome."

Like in the health and sexuality
section at the bookstore.

- Where's Gene?
- He's picking out his outfit.

I'm gonna be Boxcar Gene!

Gene, why do you look like Dexy
from Dexy's Midnight Runners?

- 'Cause we're going on a train!
- Well, go put a shirt on.

Next thing, you're gonna be telling me
to go put on underwear.

Put on underwear.

Okay.

You folks will be seated right here



in passenger car one
with the big grapes.

And I'm gonna take these little
raisins back to the end of the vine.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye!

Whoa!

It's the biggest
chocolate fountain on a train

in North and South America.

The world's biggest is in Guatemala.

I did not know chocolate
came from fountains.

I want to put my head in it.
And my feet.

Ethan, thank you very much
for the guided tour.

Uh, looks like we'll be setting
up shop here for the day.

For your troubles.

Uh-uh, no-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no... no.

Oh, here you go, one more for you.

Uh, kids... no.
I'm sorry.

Okay, one more for you.
Oh.

Ye... actually, uh...
Thank you, Ethan.

if you could put that down.

Kids aren't allowed anywhere near
the buffet, or the passenger cars.

But you are absolutely welcome to...
the Juice Caboose!

Ugh, what a dump.

Hey, there's someone there.

Regular Sized Rudy?

Louise, Gene, Tina...
what are you doing here?

Hold on, Beanbag, I'll be right back.

I know these guys from school.

Um... do you live here?

My dad has me on the weekends.

He's been online dating
and he brings his dates here.

But, on the bright side, I get to
hang out with ol' Beanbag here.

Up top, Beanbag. Boom!

Yep. We see a lot of Rudy.

Okay... rules:

One, you can't leave the Juice Caboose
for the duration of the trip.

Two, don't bother me.

And three, uh...
always believe in yourself.

Thanks.
We can't leave the Juice Caboose?

Are you kidding me?!

Get comfy, 'cause this room is
your life for the next four hours.

But there's nothing to do!

Open this door!

I can't hear you!

The train's too loud... honk, honk.

Honk, honk?!

Trains don't make that noise!

All right,
this is gonna be great.

We have a babysitter
and a lot of alcohol.

Wait, don't do...
No, don't do it!

It's a tasting.

You're supposed to swirl it around

and shake the glass to
open it up, or something.

Hey, open up, wine!

Linda's coming in.

Uh, okay.
Well, you do that.

I'm just gonna drink a lot of wine.

That guy must really know
what he's doing.

Why, because he's slurping?

Mm...

Ugh! Oh, my.

Excuse me! Hey! Hi!

Are you some kind of an expert?

I just overheard you
doing that sound...

Oh. I'm a wine enthusiast.

Although I'm not enthused
by this first flight.

Oh! He's hysterical.

You should come taste with us.

Oh! You can give us tips
on how to get tipsy.

Sure.
Lin, no.

I don't want to drink with that guy.

Why? I do, Bobby.
He's an expert.

Well, I was looking forward
to a relaxing day off.

I wasn't even gonna talk to you
that much, to be honest.

I just don't want to
drink with the guy...

Hi... Look who's here?
I'm Rick.

I love Italian wines, German
cars and Japanese women.

I'm Linda!

I love showers and mornings
and bologna and turtles.

And wine!

I'm Bob.

Well, it looks like
we are going to be

a tasting trio for the afternoon.

Jambo.
It means cheers.

Cheers!

"Cheers!"

Come on, Bob.

If we don't clink,
it's not a real Jambo.

Mm-hmm.
Jambo!

Jambo.
Jambo...!

Jambo...!

Jambo...!
Uh, okay.

- Jambo...!
- Jambo...!

No more Jambo.

Usually I'm by myself,
but since you guys are here,

maybe we could take turns
sitting on Beanbag.

Is that okay with you, Beanbag?

Rudy, how can you just sit there,
when there's a chocolate fountain

behind this door being unappreciated
by a bunch of drunk adults?

It's being wasted on the wasted!

There's got to be a way out of here.

There's a hatch in the ceiling.

Here, give me a boost.

Ahh...! It's hot!

Bad idea! Bad idea!

- Put me down!
- Okay.

Thank you.

Okay. Nobody panic.

We're only in here for two hours.

Four hours.

Four hours!

"Four hours...!"

Oh, my God. You know, if you ever
want to get serious about wine,

you really have to lose the mustache.

True, 'cause it gets
all caught up in there.

Mm-hmm.
That makes sense.

- Yeah.
Pee-ew!

Be a lot easier if you just shaved it.

I'd rather not, Rick.
I'm not shaving it.

I didn't bring shaving equipment.

Bobby, quit being a pinot grouchio!

Look, I'm perfectly happy enjoying
my wine, staring out the window

at that... kid on a bike,
going the same speed as us?

And we are friends.

I call him Ramon.

Hi, Ramon!

What?

Hi!

I can't hear you.

What? I... I
can't hear you.

I'm in a train.

Okay, have a nice bike ride.

Whoa.

Ramon just threw a rock at me.

We're still friends.

What kind of God would put a
chocolate fountain on a train

and not let kids near it?!

Yeah! Learn how to build a train, God!

Well... the chocolate fountain
is impressive,

but the real supply's
all the way up front.

What do you mean, "The real supply?"

There's way more chocolate
up in the kitchen.

I've seen them load
boxes and boxes of it in there.

Well, then, are you guys
thinking what I'm thinking?

That I need a bath?

Oh, yeah. You do.

No. We break out of here

and steal the chocolate
from the front of the train!

I'd do that.

I'm in.
Great!

The Belcher kids ride again!

For the first time!

And Rudy! Is there.

Okay, if we're gonna
rob this train,

we need to take it step by step.

Luckily, Rudy has been
trapped in this caboose

for the last nine weekends
doing some serious recon.

I see everything out this window.

Once, a skunk got on the train for
a little bit and then it got off

and I was the only one to notice.

Just take us through
the logistics, Train Brain.

Okay.

Each of these blocks is a train car.

This is taking too long!
I need chocolate!

Gene, quiet.

Sorry. It's okay. Now, this is
us here in the Juice Caboose.

I can see us in there.

Just kidding.
We're not inside a block.

Tina!
Okay.

The only time the door
to the caboose in unlocked,

is when Ethan makes
a juice box delivery,

every hour on the hour.

Every hour on the hour.

Sounds like a robot.

Wait! What if Ethan is a robot!?

Gene! Focus!

You guys are embarrassing me.

In front of Rudy, which is hard!

Even if we get out of here,

you still have to get all the
way up to the kitchen car.

The chocolate is kept inside

the chocolatier's refrigerator.

He's from Germany.

The chocolate's from Switzerland.

- We're from America.
- Yeah...!

Now, the only time
the kitchen is empty

is when it's a passenger's birthday

and the whole staff comes out to sing

the "Chugga Chugga Choo Choo
Happy Birthday To You" song.

So, we know how to get in,
but how do we get out?

I think I know how,
but it's a little dangerous.

Like sandwiches with
toothpicks in them dangerous?

Even more dangerous than that.

Like eating a bomb?

In between.

Like eating a firecracker.

Yeah. Okay.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Well... aren't you kids playing nice.

Hey, Ethan,
over here.

Look at my face and hands
while I'm talking.

I just want you to know
it's my mom's birthday today.

Um, it isn't June 3, it's today. Okay.

Wait, I have some questions for you.

Uh-huh.

Um, what does "Ethan" mean?
Um...

Sounds like how Shakespeare
Huh?

So, maybe that's
where it comes from?

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe.

Next question, uh... if a train
leaves New York at 4:00,

and another train leaves Dallas at
5:00, what time will they meet?

Uh...

Great. Well,
I'm kind of busy right now,

so I'm gonna have to let you go.

Have fun at my mom's birthday. Bye.

Uh... do you want juice?!

No! Uh, maybe...
uh, ye... no, ye... ahh...!

Mm. I like this one.

Ugh! You think you do, but you don't.

What do I think of this wine?

Great question.
Here's what you think.

Hey, Ethan.

How's Rudy?

How's Beanbag?

Uh, they're great.
Beanbag's great.

Rudy's such a delight.

I just dropped off some
juice for them.

Can I get a cranberry juice?

Uh-oh...

Coming right up.
Um, who's Rudy?

- He's my son.
- You have a son?

Mandy, you know, I might
have left a little information

off my E-Kiss profile, but
that was just for readability.

So, you look nothing
like your profile picture

and you have a son?
Uh-huh.

Okay.

So, your face
is saying one thing...

No. No.
I love kids.

Okay.
Will you ma...

I love kids.
Can you make eye contact with me?

I am. Aren't I? No.
You're looking at my chin.

No. That's, that's your... I'll just
get below here. How 'bout now?

No. Na... I have a son.
Are you cool with that?

I gotta take a nap.
Okay.

Whew!

Oh, there it is.
Here you go.

We've got a birthday, people.

Places. Ready?

Here we go, everyone.

Five, six, seven and...

Everybody watch your back

the birthday train is on the track!

Well, hello, there.

Put some wine in your glass,

'cause your life is
moving fast, so drink your day away.

Honk, honk!

What's happening?!
It's not my...

Happy Birthday, Linda!

Oh, it is my birthday...

Don't worry,
I'm gonna get you out of here.

Yay!

And then I'm gonna eat you.

No...!

Shush!

Where is she?

She should be out there by now!

Who's that?

I don't know... it's too early
for Ethan to come back.

Aah! I'm not decent!

Come back later!
Thank you!

I must use the kerplunker!

There's a line for the other one.

Make it fast.

Don't tell me, make it fast.

Just go.

Don't tell me, just go.

Just da... ah...

Make some noise.

Sing songs or something.

Look, look... look at the
legs on the glass.

You see the legs?

I see fe... it looks like feet.

Oh, Linda.

You're such a sweet, simple person.

Thanks.
Wait, what?

Look, Rick, you're not
the only person with taste.

We happen to own a restaurant.

Whoa-ho! It's not a competition, Bob.

I didn't say it was.

Sounds like this guy
wants to have a wine-off!

What?!

Wine-off? Ooh, wine-off.

Wine-off.
Wine-off.

There's gonna be a wine-off.

We got a wine-off!

Oh, my goodness.
It's going down.

Hey... oh, s...
Sorry, sorry. Uh, da, da, da.

Too soon? Too...
too much? Don't. Yeah, just...

My space.
I thought the train was crashing.

Sorry. Trying to save you.

Whew. Okay, this is scarier
than I thought.

Uh, no big deal, Louise.

Just jump off a moving train.

Come on.
One, two, three!

Wow.

That train is not moving very fast.

This window won't open.

That's why we need
to get back in there.

Could pick up the pace.

You're not going fast enough.

I am too going fast enough.

No job is done until the
paperwork is complete.

Stand by.

Where the hell is Rudy?

Okay.

Oh, boy! Oh, oh...
Oh, wow...

It's not that bad.
You're making a big deal. Wow.

You're making... Come on.

It's like my grandpa.
It's not that bad.

Where the hell have you been?
Pull me up.

Hand me the chocolate
and then I'll pull you up.

Hand you the chocolates?

Yeah.
And then I'll pull you up.

How do I know that once
I hand you the chocolate

you're not gonna just leave me
out here and take the chocolate?

I wouldn't do that.
That's what I would do.

That's so mean.
Look, if you don't take this chocolate

and leave me out here,
then I can't work with you.

Please give me the chocolate
so I can pull you up.

Fine.

Okay, Gene.

You hold onto me. Got it.

Tina, you hold onto me.
Great.

And then I'll hold onto
something in the bathroom.

And pretend it's a person
holding onto me.

Like a boy or an 18-year-old boy.

Okay.
We're ready.

Ah... no.

Bang-up job, everybody.

We got the chocolate in the caboose.

Like we planned.

The only problem is is that
we are not in the caboose!

At least we have toilet paper.

You guys want any?

Thank you.

Ugh!

Well, we're stranded.

Our chocolate's on the train,

and there's nothing
around here for miles.

My boy-dar isn't picking up
anything, either.

Oh, wait...
no, that's a deer.

We've got to get back to that
chocolate before somebody else does.

Guys, we're gonna be okay.

The train's coming right back here.

Wait, what? The train goes down,

goes around Lake Waste Water,
and comes right back.

It should back in 15 minutes,
so we should just jump on it.

But when is Ethan gonna stop by

the Juice Caboose
with his next delivery?

Let me check my watch.

In exactly... 15 minutes!

This is gonna be close.

Mmm.

Speak to me.

You're hiding from me.

I'll find you.

Ooh...

You have got a lot
goin' on here, girl.

Ugh.

Ah, there you are.

A California Central Coast Syrah.

Okay, Bobby.

Now you taste your wine.

This one is probably...
wine.

I would say red.

Or it could be white.

I'm also realizing that I'm not as
good at this as I thought I'd be.

No, you're not.

Chablis is a wine, right?

You guys aren't answering me.

I'm gonna say that's a good sign.

I'm going with Chablis.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bobby.

You're not good at this. Poor Bob.

I can't see your sad, pathetic face
right now, but I bet it's crying.

I'll tell you what.
Linda, pick any wine.

It can even be a wine he knows.
Any wine?

If you can get one wine right,

just one,
you win the whole competition.

In fact, you could pick a wine
he had last night.

I'll still know it before he does.

Ooh, bonus round.

Whoever says what it is first, wins.

What's the point?

You can do this, Bobby.

No, I can't.

Look at me, Bobby.

I-I can't.

Yes you can.

I have a blindfold on.

Well, you can do
the mystery wine.

All right, fine.
Pour it.

At least I'll get drunk-ish.

That's it, Bobby.

Hey, look what's coming
around the mountain.

The train.

Just kidding about the mountain, uh,

but the train is...
remember that song?

Uh-oh.
Guys, she's coming back faster.

This only happens when the
train's running behind schedule

or this one time when they ran out
of rosé and things got weird.

It's starting to look
kind of like a real train now.

Like fast, and dangerous.

We could just get a cab.
Oh, look, there's Ethan.

He's headed toward
the Juice Caboose!

We need to jump on now, guys.

Come on.

Hobos do this everyday.

I don't understand it.

Cliff!

You think my name is Cliff?

Oh, my God, I love it.

I'm Cliff now.
Call me Cliff.

No, just to clarify:

Cliff!

We have to
get on that train now!

We're running out of dry land!

I have to go back
for my bandana.

It's made of cotton!
Leave it!

Leave it!

Oh, damn it!

You chose chocolate.

It's what your bandana

I guess.

Oh, no. Now my
overalls are stuck.

What's going on with my outfit?

Do something, Gene!
He's almost here!

Aah! We have to hide
the chocolate. Oh...

Where are we going to hide it?

I don't know.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Oh, boy. Oh, oh...

Oh, boy, oh, boy! Ow.

Hey, kiddies. Got your juice.

Oh, thanks, Ethan.
Thanks so much, buddy.

We can always count on you for juice
and juice-related things and...

really just juice.
But we love juice.

Are you kids okay?

Oh, we're just great, thanks.

Last juice of the day.

Great.
Uh, cran-apple?

Wait a minute.
Something's up.

Why are you out of breath?

Well, my trachea constricts

due to histamines
that my body produces...

Okay, okay, Rudy, stop talking.

Why are your shoes muddy?

Because I'm-I'm poor.

Oh, I'm so poor.

And why are you in your underwear?

Because I am rich.

There's been a burglary.

Somebody stole my chocolate!

I am very shocked by that.

Okay, what was rule number two?

Always believe in yourself?

No! Don't bother me.

Stealing is bothering.

Nobody steals anything
on my shift. Yeah!

Wha... we've been locked
in here all day.

I don't buy it.
I don't buy it, either.

I think I know who likes chocolate.

Everybody.

Yes, right.

But especially kids.

I heard this one say she wants to
put her face and her feet in it.

I stand by that.

It's gotta be in here somewhere.

Would you be dumb enough
to hide it in here?

I guess you're dumb enough to think

we would hide it in there, Ethan.

Yeah, you gorgeous idiot.

Or maybe you kids
hid it in the bathroom.

Whew...!
Eh, maybe give it a minute in there.

It's not in there.

Get up, Rudy.

N-No.

Beans didn't do anything.

He doesn't have a
malicious bean in his bag.

No!

No!

Don't you touch Beanbag!

No!

All right!
Bonus round.

Winner takes all.

Ready...
and drink.

I know what it is.

Oh, you know?
From one sip.

Yep.
So Bob knows it.

Say it. I'll give you a chance here.

You take a guess.

Oh, he's giving Rick a chance.

You don't know it.

Talk to me, Goose.

Get inside me.

Take your shoes off.

Make yourself comfortable.

The wine's inside of Rick.

Getting comfortable.

Okay.
It's a blend...

Yeah, it's definitely a blend.

I'm getting a few things here.

It's very complex.

Take another sip, Rick.

This is gettin' good.

Oh, I guess I was wrong.

I hope you're happy.
He was beautiful.

Well, whatever.

Enjoy the rest of your ride.

I'll go check the busboys.

Somebody has the chocolate.

Hey, uh... I'm sorry you kids
had to see that.

But, uh... it's a hard life
on the rails.

Yup, yup, so true.
So wise.

You should teach a class.
Bye!

I should.

You guys sure you don't
want any more juice?

We don't want any more juice.
Get out of here, Ethan.

Okay, okay.

See you next week, Rudy.
We cool?

Yeah, yeah.
We're cool.

Just go.
All right.

Doesn't sound like we're cool.

We're cool!
Okay, bye.

Everybody, open your mouths.

Delicious.

It's so delicious.

Num, num, num...
Pace yourself. Pace yourself.

Who are you?

I know we've met.

You're embarrassing me.

All right, Rick.
Stop stalling.

Fine.
It's very viscous.

It's a...
Cab-Merlot blend.

Okay, okay, okay.

Bob, do you know what the wine is?

It is a blend.

But it's a blend of spit.

Because it's from
the spit bucket! What?

He's right.
Bobby wins.

What?! You drank spit, Rick.

You drank a lot of it. What?

You poured that from the spit bucket?

Why did you do that?

Because I knew Bob
would know what it was.

Why would Bob know that?

Because we went to see Sideways,

and after that we went to the wine
bar and I bet Bob he wouldn't drink

from the spit bucket and he did.

That's disgusting.

And that's how you win a wine-off.

Ah!

Wine fight!

No, no, no.
Not the jacket.

Not-not the turtleneck, it's cashmere.

That's for lying on your profile.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm a middle-aged man

who's just trying to get
back out there and...

Mandy, I really like you.

That's for making me fall for you.

Aw, they're in love.

Ah, my face!

We got our very own
chocolate fountain!

Some of it just went
down my underwear.

I like it.

This is the best weekend of my life.

It doesn't even matter that
I'm allergic to chocolate.

Rudy, what?

Ugh, stop eating it, then.

Oh, 'cause I'm allergic to it?

Yeah, what happens when you eat it?

I don't know, I've never eaten it.

I don't know what...

Rudy! Rudy!

Just kidding.

Damn it, Rudy.
It's not that bad.

I just get a rash on my back.

There's my babies.

Why are you covered in chocolate?

Why are you covered in wine?

Don't ask questions.

Yeah, ditto.
Oh.

I feel like I French-kissed
the whole train.

Uh... yum.

Hey, Mom, did you have a nice
birthday at least? I did.

Wait, who told you it was my birthday?

Oh, look, there's Ethan.

- He's yelling something.
- Oh, hey, Ethan,

we found your chocolate.

It's on our faces and in our tummies.

No! Them! They did it.

They took the chocolate!

It was them, they took the chocolate!