Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - Uncle Teddy - full transcript

Oh, boy!

Ah! Minutes away from
a hotel weekend!

You almost done, Teddy?

Oh, right.
The big burger meet-up.

Yup. The first annual
gathering of

the North Atlantic
Burger Lovers.

It's also the first gathering

of Bob and Linda's privates,
in a hotel room, in years.

Uh-huh.

That and BurgerBob
finally gets to meet

all his friends from
the message board.



Who's BurgerBob?
Me.

It's my online handle.

So, just went with
the first idea, huh?

Where's the sitter?
She's supposed

to be here by now.
I wanted to go over stuff.

Hello?

Jen, it's Linda Belcher.

Did you forget you're
watching the kids this weekend?

No. Uh... wait.

Yeah, I must have,

because I'm in France
with my family.

Good-bye, Linda.

Crap! Jen's in France.

What are we gonna do?



Gayle already said
she can't watch the kids

'cause she's fostering
a baby chick.

Well, there's gotta be
someone who can watch the kids.

I'm someone.
Well, we could call

your cousin Vanessa.

She's in a cult.

What, people in a cult
can't babysit?

I'm not in a cult.
Aw, come on.

There's gotta be someone
we're not thinking of.

What about the checker
from the grocery store?

She said the kids
were cute that one time.

Oh, she smells awful!

I think your kids are cute.

I'd love to watch
your kids.

Teddy, have you ever
babysat before?

Nope.
I bet I'd be good at it.

And I wouldn't charge
you guys anything.

Uh, I don't...
I don't think that...

All right! Let's hit
the friggin' road!

What do you think
of my walk?

I'm trying something
a little different.

It's bold.

Mm, mm.

Whoa. Looks like Reggie's Deli
has a new delivery boy.

Cold cuts just got hot.

Welcome home, kids.
How was your day?

Teddy?! What are you
doing here?

You're not Jen.

I'm, uh, watching you children

while your mommy and daddy
are out of town.

Why are you babysitting?

'Cause it'll be fun.

How much
are they paying you?

Nothing.
Really? Yikes.

Uh, we'll be doing many
fun things this weekend,

including dinner, roughhousing...
not too rough...

brushing teeth
and going to bed.

Think of me as the
cool uncle you never had.

Maybe call me T.J.

Probably not.

So... what kind of TV
are we gonna watch?

I don't know.
Do you like The Mentalist?

Who likes The Mentalist?
Hands are going up.

Hands are not going up.

Uh... oh, boy.

This isn't going
like I thought it would.

Hello.

We have a reservation
under "Belcher."

Or maybe under "BurgerBob,"
my online name.

Yes. Are you folks here

for the burger conference,
I'm assuming...

BurgerBob?
We...

definitely are, yes.
Okay. Mm.

As well as a little
hubby and wife getaway.

You know, bubble baths
and just touchin'...

feelin'... lovin'...
room service...

chocolate... wink, wink.
Oh...

Sorry, we don't have those things.
Oh.

But the welcome cocktail party
starts now in the Sunset Lounge

and your name badge is good
for a complimentary drink.

Wonderful.

Do you have a fax machine?

We don't have
a fax machine, either.

I wanted to fax this to the kids.
Mmm...

Now what?
Can't fax.

All right. We'll just do it
Monday. We'll do it...

Yeah, Monday it'll have to be.

That's where it's all

gonna happen.
Mm. A little small,

a little rinky-dink, huh?
Except for that tub of mayo.

Gross.

It's bad.
What?

It's a bad attitude.

Hey, JustGrillin'.
I-It's me, BurgerBob.

Oh. Hey.
Linda, this is JustGrillin',

he's one of the guys
on the burger forum.

Hi, JustGrillin'. We're
chillin' with JustGrillin'.

Yeah, that's my wife.

So, we're just gonna
drop our bags off

in the room. We'll catch
you and the gang

at the welcome party.
Yeah... okay.

Isn't BurgerBob the guy
you were talking about?

Yes. Oh, my God. I got to
text BeeferSutherland.

Ah, back from the bathroom.

Was there a lull? What's going
on? What are we doing?

Just watching TV.

All right. So...

no takers on checkers?

Or Chinese checkers?

No checkers for me tonight.

Okay, I'm just gonna fix
the kitchen sink.

I noticed it's draining kind of slow.
Have fun.

What'd you say?
Oh, I said, "Ha-Have..."

I think we just
said, "Have fun."

We'll-we'll be here. Yeah.
Oh, okay.

What you got there?

Oh, this? A plumber's snake.
To clear out the pipe.

Whoa!
Oh.

What's the holdup
with those chips?

Whoa, what am I looking at?

♪ There's a clog in there

♪ And it could be underwear.

What will it find?
Goop? Probably some goop.

Hey, guys, what are
we doing for dinner?

Oh, I know. How about
sandwiches from Reggie's Deli?

Great. I'll pick
them up. Bye.

Hey, Reggie.
Four sandwiches, please.

You got it.
Uh, what you want on them?

What?
Uh, you know, I need to know cheeses, meats.

That sort of thing.
Oh, uh,

surprise me.
Okay.

That for here or to go?

Um, for delivery?

Delivery? But you're here.

Just make the
sandwiches, Reggie.

Okay, I-I'm making it,
making the sandwiches.

It's okay. Here we go.
Here we go.

Hey, Jonas, you got
another delivery.

Mm, mm, mm.

Jonas.

Cool keyboard.

My brother uses his
to make fart sounds.

It's not a keyboard.

It's a melodica.

But, hey,
why am I talking about it,

when I could be doing this?

Well, get a melod-a-you.

See ya.
Back at my house!

That's where your
next delivery is.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

If I'm delivering this
to your house,

why don't you just hop on?

That's a good idea
that I never thought of

until you just said it.

It's happening.

You don't have
to hold me so tight.

Oh, this isn't tight.

I'm so hungry,
I'm so hungry. Food's here!

And, Teddy, I don't know
if this will interest you,

but Tina is riding on a death
machine with a stranger.

Tina, what are you doing
on the back of a motorbike?

It's okay. I wore a helmet.
Right, but still.

Just seems like it's a gray area
between bicycle and motorcycle.

- I don't know how I should react.
- Ground her.

And give me all
of her stuff.

Next time, put a helmet
on the food.

My sandwich top is askew! Askew!

Well, come on up soon, Tina.
It's dinnertime.

Psh, cool dad.

Oh, thanks, but he's not my dad.
He's a regular

in our restaurant, and
he's watching us for the weekend

'cause my parents
are out of town.

Wait, wait, wait.
Your parents are out of town

and you've got
your very own restaurant?

You're a really good listener.
We should have a gathering here.

Tonight.
We should?

Uh, of course we should.

I don't think I'm allowed
to have a party.

It's a gathering.
Where like-minded young adults

come together
and just gather, you know?

I guess I know.

I'll be there, right?

That's not too bad, right?
Uh-huh.

I'll bring my hair.
Yeah.

Okay. I punch out in an hour.
60 minutes.

And I'll tell my friends to swing by.
Um, okay.

Hey, you good at catching things?
Not really.

Well, get good, so
you can catch this.

Caught it. No, wait,
I think I dropped it.

See ya! Damn it. Won't start.

Don't look at me.

I'll try not to. No promises.

You know, these people
are more than just

online usernames
that I share burger tips with.

It's a community.
They're my people.

Okay, save it for
your friends, honey.

Hey, Beefgeek. You look exactly
like I thought you would.

Meatcute! There she is!

Oh, not a hugger.
That's fine.

So here we are, finally
getting together in person.

Party started! You know
what we should do?

Shots! I'll get 'em!

Don't let him
ruin your weekend.

No, no, I'm gonna
say something.

Hey! BeeferSutherland,
it's me, BurgerBob!

So where's your oversized luggage?
What?

What-what are you talking about?

Because you must have needed
the world's biggest suitcase

to lug your
gigantic balls here.

Beefer, I'm totally lost here.

I'm saying it took big balls
to show up at this conference.

Big balls!
Big balls? I-I don't have those.

Why wouldn't I show up here?

Maybe because all your posts are
either crapping on us amateurs

or you're bragging
about your flashy restaurant.

That's crazy. I-I don't...
I don't do that. Mm-hmm.

I asked how to get rust off a
cast-iron skillet. And you say,

"Don't let it get rust
in the first place." All caps!

What a jerk.
I was just kidding around.

Then why didn't you write "LOL"
or "JK" or use an emoticon?

Oh, I-I don't know how to use those things.
Oh, come on!

And trust me,
my-my restaurant isn't flashy.

We've got a funeral home
on one side of us

and I think on the other side

is a guy that sells
indoor outhouses.

I bought one of those!
Oh. Why?

Because it's cheaper
than... Never mind.

Let's get out of here
before BurgerBob yells at us

with his caps lock key.
Wait, I... Blocked.

Oh, hey, where'd everyone go?

Nobody likes me.
Sure, they do.

Have a shot. You'll feel better.
I don't feel like a shot, Lin.

No, do a shot. It makes you
more fun. People'll like you.

I don't want to do shots.

I paid for five shots,
we're doing five shots.

Go. Wolf it.

Ooh,

we hooked something big.

You smell that? It's vile.
Yeah.

But so vile you want to suck it
into your lungs, right?

Ah, you gettin' that?

Ah!

What is that, sulfur?
Is that Satan?

It's putting up a fight.
Give me a hand here.

Ah!

It's magnificent.
Ah...

It really is. Tina!

We're bonding
like crazy in here.

Be part of it.
Oh, yeah. That's great.

So, I'm gonna go down
to the restaurant

and do some homework.

It's Friday night.
It's time to party.

Grab the bathroom scale...
let's weigh this thing.

Maybe after I knock out
this pesky homework, huh?

What are you, a
bookworm? Huh? Have fun.

Who wants to taste it?
Me!

And then I want to name it
and raise it like it's our own.

Maybe they won't come.

Maybe that's for the best.
I really do

have homework to do.
Hey, little girl,

psst. You.

It's Tina.
Right.

Well, uh, come on in.

I'm totally comfortable
with having you all here.

This place is kind of lame, right?

Yeah, let's get out of here.
Great gathering, Jonas.

It's the leaky gazebo all over again.
No, wait.

Hey. Free burgers
isn't lame, right?

Um, I'm really not allowed
to light the grill by myself.

I could go for a cheeseburger.
Cheeseburger

for Marco, Tina? Huh?

Uh...
Huh?

Okay.

I'll fire up the grill.

Cool, cool. Oh, hey.

Did someone order
some tunes?

I don't think so. An-Anyone order tu...

Oh, you were just...

I'm likable.
Yeah...

I know I am!
No, you have friends.

The kids like me, Teddy likes me.
Right, Teddy.

Teddy likes you.
My dad hates me.

Not that again.
Uh, what the...

They just threw
an olive at me.

You can't get away
from my olives.

Bobby, screw
those burger nerds.

Let's go check out
the Jacuzzi.

It's open till 9:45...

That's nice.
Isn't it? See?

Even if we don't have
room service or a fax machine

and everyone
at the hotel hates you,

we can still have
a romantic getaway.

Oh, no, not you guys.

Come on, Beefer,
let's just come back later.

And let BurgerBob win? No way.
I showered and everything.

We'll just sit here and wait.
Well, you're gonna be waiting a long time,

'cause we're just
getting comfy. Myeh, myeh, myeh.

Uh, yeah.
This Jacuzzi is for...

members
of the Jacuzzi forum only.

That's not a thing.
You just made that up.

No, I didn't.

And you are blocked.

♪ Hey

♪ Whoo!

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪

A nice thick layer of chocolate
squares make up the base.

A couple of handfuls
of crushed pretzels.

Top it all off with
marshmallows, and...

Whoa!
Voila!

Teddy Brulee.

Finally, arson
and food together!

Hey, Teddy, can I play
with that blowtorch?

I just want to inspect it,
you know, learn about it.

Yeah, sure. Here you go.

Hold on. You hear that?
Nope.

Sounds like
an accordion but worse?

Nope, in
your head.

Nope, it's something
downstairs.

No, in your head
upstairs.

Sorry, folks, private party.

Yeah? I-I think
we're on the list.

Right, Tina?

Uh... yeah.

Tina, Tina, Tina.

You're supposed
to be the good one.

Somewhere there's

a convenience store
parking lot

worried sick
about these teens.

Tina, come on, you're putting me
in a tough spot.

I'm sure you're not
allowed to have friends

down here this late at night.

Dude, with that
kind of attitude,

you're only going
to raise your

blood pressure
to unsafe levels.

Don't lecture me about
my blood pressure!

I'm predisposed
to like salty foods.

Out! Everybody out of
my friend's restaurant!

Oh, my God.

Teddy, could you
embarrass me any more?

Oh, that's a
great question,

and the answer
is yes.

Please start.
Please start.

Oh, thank God.

Let's just go to the cove.

The cove?

It's the cove
by the lighthouse.

Come by if you want.

I know that place.

It's the cove
by the lighthouse.

And, uh, hey, if you come, uh,

bring some burgers with you?

Here's a little one.
Got it.

Little mouth burger.

We just got our
goop baby to sleep

and we have to
come downstairs

to deal
with this?

We are very
disappointed.

Tina, I have no idea
what's gotten into you.

You can't stop what's happening.

Jonas likes me
and he invited me out

with his friends,
and I want to go!

Sorry, Tina.

You're 13 years old,
it's 9:00,

you're in for the night.

My temporary house,
my temporary rules.

You don't like it?

There's the door
that you can't go out!

I hate your
temporary rules!

Shh-shh-shh-
shh-shh.

You're not my dad, Teddy.

Or my mom. Or my uncle.

And I don't think
you're my godfather.

I don't think I have one.

I'm coming, Jonas!

You're right, box.

The ladder did install
in less than 30 seconds.

Hey, guys.

I made it.
Now it's a party.

And I brought
burgers.

Nice!
Not from our restaurant,

'cause I couldn't
get the key.

Hey, that melodica's
not gonna play itself.

Oh, yeah.

No. No.
Oh, great.

No, no, no...

Wow, it's almost
like music.

Belcher residence.

Teddy, it's Bob.

Wait, I called
your cell phone.

Why'd you say
Belcher residence?

Just to be respectful.

How's the conference going?

Uh, it's...
complicated.

How's it going
over there?

It's complicated.

What? Teddy, I can say
it's complicated.

You can't say
it's complicated.

You're watching my kids.

Sorry, Bob.
So is it complicated, Teddy?

No, it's great.
You want to talk to the kids?

Eh, not really.
You sure?

No, yeah.
I can put 'em on.

Yeah, go...
Yeah, all right.

Okay.

Louise
is asleep.

Gene's asleep.

And Tina's... aah!

Asleep.

Uh, Tina's asleep, Bobby.
All right, well,

let her sleep.
Okay.

We'll talk to them
in the morning.

All right, well, I'll...
I'll happily put on Tina

if you want to talk
to her right now, Bobby.

No, it's all right.
Let her sleep.

I will wake her up

with a bucket of water
and a cowbell

if that's gonna
make you happy, Bobby.

You want to talk to your
daughter, you got it.

Teddy. It's okay. Stop.
I'm hanging up now. Go to bed.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, this is bad.
This is terrible! Aah!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Hey, you woke us up.

What gives, Teddy?

We need our sleep.
We're so little.

Tina's missing, Louise!

More like kissing. You know.

Jonas! The sandwich boy.

Ugh. The sign says to limit
your soak time to 15 minutes!

That sign says,
"No running,"

and you're running
your mouth, MeatCute!

I bought these trunks
for this conference.

I'm not bringing 'em home dry!

They're gonna be damp
at the very least.

Screw these guys.

Let's just get in
there with 'em.

Like hell you will!

Back it up!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy now!

Oh, no, you don't.
Hey, hey, hey!

My wife and I never get a weekend away!
Hey, don't touch me.

This is all the vacation we have
left, and you're not getting it!

I'll go right, you go left.
Mm-hmm.

Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ooh, splashing.
Good idea! I know!

Ah, excuse me. Excuse me.
What is going on here?

Stay out of this! Give me that.

These people are jabbing us
and harassing us.

And they've been
in there for an hour!

An hour? That's crazy.

We just got here.

Oh, really? Hmm. Pruny.

I've had a bad feeling about
you two ever since check-in.

That's it.
Please exit the hot tub

so these people may enjoy it.

Fine. Okay, we'll leave.
Really?

Yeah. We're all
grown-ups here.

Thank you.

Bye-bye,
BurgerBob.

Oh, that jet is
right on my back.

Oh, that's a
lumbar paradise.

I trust your conference
is going well, otherwise.

I'm not completely
dissatisfied.

Hmm.

Huh?

Hope you like
your Jacuzzi

with extra relish!

Aah!
And mayo!

L.O.L.

Laugh on loudly!

And post.

That's it.
I'm calling security.

Good, we're leaving anyway.

Yeah. And get
a fax machine.

Oh, go fax yourself!

Stop.

Stop.

Stop, Jonas.

No one likes that
except the girl,

and she's probably
had enough, right?

It's okay, I guess.

Stop if you want
to stop, though.

What about, um...

Let's break
into the lighthouse

and, uh, make shadow puppets
onto the fog.

Eh.

Ugh.

Well, no one else is
coming up with ideas, Marco.

I'll break into the lighthouse
with you without the melodica.

How do we get in?
Through that

window up there.

One of us can go in

and then unlock the front door
for the rest of us.

Terrible plan.
Seriously, Clay?

Yeah, seriously, Clay?

It looks like
a tight squeeze.

I'll do it.
I can fit.

Uh, okay, sure.

I'll give you a boost.

You've got strong arms.

Must be from delivering
all those sandwiches.

Yeah. Uh, can you
reach the window?

Uh, I have to
step on your head.

Ow! Ow!

Cops! Run!

Wait! Jonas, wait for me!

Gotcha.

All right, come on out!

Oh, this isn't my house.

What the hell were you doing
in the lighthouse, young lady?

I was gonna make shadow puppets
to amuse the ships at sea?

Oh, you think this is funny?

Some ship sees a huge dog
in the fog?!

I don't know how
to make a dog!

Everybody knows how
to make a dog!

Oh. Yeah.

All right, smart-ass,

let's call your parents
so they can pick you up.

My parents are out of town.

Well, looks like

you'll be spending the
night at the station.

Uh, the police station?

No, the ranger station.

It's the same,
but we have a foosball table.

Reggie! Reggie!
Open up!

You can't wait till morning
for a nice sandwich?

My oldest temporary niece Tina
ran off with your delivery boy.

I'm not blaming you,
but I'm blaming you!

Where are they, Reggie?
Where are they?!

Jonas would sell you out
in a hot second!

You can't even
look us in the eyes!

Where are they, Reggie?

Well, for a while,

him and his friends liked
to hang out in my gazebo,

but then, one night, it rains,

and it leaks a tiny bit, and
they wouldn't shut up about it.

Like I'm the jerk.

Now I think they go to the cove
by the lighthouse.

Come on, let's go!

Wait, I want to see this gazebo.

The gazebo
that cold cuts built!

No, no, no, no, no,
we got no time for gazebos.

Okay, we'll take
a quick look.

Go out! I'm dumping sand on you.

Go out!

Excuse me, Officer.

Have you seen a bunch
of teenagers around here?

They're of the dorky variety.

Yup. I apprehended
one of them.

Tina!

Hi, Teddy.
Oh, you know this girl?

Yes, I do.
I'm her weekend guardian.

Well, I caught her trespassing
in the lighthouse.

You got to let her go, Officer.

I could do that,

or I could let her spend
the night behind bars.

No, no, no!
Li-Listen, Ranger Dainko...

Is it Ranger Dainko?
What's your first name?

Matthew.
Matthew Dainko.

That's a pretty name. Look,

I've only been an uncle
for a day.

I guess
I couldn't handle the job.

If anyone should spend the night

in teen ranger jail,
it should be me.

It's not teen ranger jail,
it's just ranger jail.

Look, maybe she didn't do
the right thing tonight,

but she's got heart, this one,
and she follows it.

She's just a mixed up kid

who's going through
a ton of puberty right now.

Am I right, Tina?
Yes.

And then some.

Well, it's not
that simple.

There's a form involved...
two signatures and an initial.

You got to sign here.
Okay.

And again here.
Right.

And initial here.
Right. Okay.

So, just anywhere?
No, where it says guardian.

So... at the bottom?
No, on-on the line.

So just anywhere
on the form? Just write...

No not on the... anywhere.
Oh?

Just... okay, just
never mind! Forget it!

I was so worried
about you, Tina.

I'm sorry, Teddy.

I shouldn't
have snuck out.

Thanks for getting me
out of ranger danger.

I don't think I would have
made it in the joint.

Jonas, you came back for me!

Uh... yeah. And this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You didn't come
back for Tina.

You came back
for your moped.

You used Tina
for free burgers,

then you hung her
out to dry

when Ranger Matthew Dainko came.

Oh, God, you
did, didn't you?

She's too good
for you!

But good enough
for a lot of guys!

Which makes you the worst,
Jone-ass!

Okay, I'll keep that
in mind as I ride away.

Oh, no, you don't.

Hey!
Nobody... messes...

with my... temporary niece!

Aah!

Yeah!
No!

Oh. Oh, that's bad.

Tell you what.
Instant regret.

I cannot believe
I did that.

Talk about losing
your cool, Teddy.

You're gonna have a lot to talk
about this week in therapy!

Right? Eh.
"Did you lose your cool?"

"A little bit, doc.
A little bit I lost my cool."

Hey, we should call Teddy

and let him know we're
coming home early.

Hello.

Teddy. Hey, it's Linda.

You're on speakerphone.

Hey, Teddy. The
conference was a bust.

We're coming home early.

Oh, goodie.
How early is early?

Ah, we'll be home
in 15 minutes.

Okay, great! Your parents are
15 minutes away.

If we hurry,
we can beat 'em home

and jump in bed
and pretend nothing happened.

Teddy?

Yeah?

We just heard
everything you said.

No, you didn't.
I had it on mute.

You didn't.
No, I-I definitely tried to press it.

Wait, wait, wait.
Are you at the beach?

No.
We can see you.

That's them right
there. That's them.

Oh, yeah.
Hey, Bobby.

What is that kid

doing in the water?

Rescuing a drowning
moped.

Oh, God, it's late.
Bedtime, kids! Bedtime!

Anything you say,
Uncle Teddy.

♪ Hey

♪ Whoo!