Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Mazel-Tina - full transcript

LOUISE: Click. Click.
Click, click.

- Louise, stop saying click.
- Click.

Click.
And, Tina,

will you stop typing like that?

I'm refreshing my e-mail.

I'm waiting for an invitation
to Tammy's Bat Mitzvah.

I believe the term is badminton.

Common mistake.

No, Gene. Tammy's Jewish.

It's a ceremony
where she reads from the Torah,

lights a candle
and becomes a woman.



Sounds like my spa night.
Except I read

The Girl with the Dragon
Tattoo. (groans)

You know a lot about Bat Mitzvahs
for someone who thought Chanukah

was Han Solo and Chewbacca's baby.

It's about becoming a woman
and it's a really great party.

Why wouldn't I research that?

Plus, rumor has it this one's
gonna be packed with B-FOS.

What are B-FOS?

B-F-O-S.
Boys From Other Schools.

What's wrong with the boys
from your school?

I need fresh faces.

(quieter): And fresh butts.

You'll take the butts you're
given and you'll like it!

(school bell ringing)



Don't you dare call back
until it's done!

Do you understand me?

Okay, bye, Mom.

Hi, Tammy.
(groans)

Tina, I am up to my pits

in Bat Mitzvah planning.
Mm-hmm.

But I figured out the
theme, which is "Tammy"!

Me, it just makes sense.

Nice.

You get an "O" for original.

And for O-M-G I didn't get an
invite to your Bat Mitzvah.

Mm, that's 'cause
I didn't invite you.

Oh. That "O" doesn't
stand for anything.

It's just me being surprised.

I was really looking
forward to all those B-FOS.

Mm, me too.
Yeah, a lot of B-FOS.

I got Hebrew School B-FOS.
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.
I got Camp B-FOS.

I got B-FOS who are Filipinos.

Fili-B-FOS.

Got your invite, Tammy.

We'll be there.
Bat Mitzvah, baby!

Hava Nagiddiyup!
(laughs)

Giddyap, boy!
Ow!

Get! Giddyap!
Ow! (grunts)

Ow!
Yeah!

Well, if a spot opens up,
keep me in mind.

Spots are for underwear, Tina.

Not my Bat Mitzvah.
Got to run!

(sighs)

Tina, that's the third time
you sighed on my sandwich.

You're heating up the bread.

It just seems like everyone's going
to Tammy's Bat Mitzvah but me.

But you got to go to
Shauna's Bat Mitzvah.

Shauna had a Bat Mitzvah?

Oh! Uh...

No!

Mom! Shauna Glassman
had five caterers

at her Bat Mitzvah and everyone
talked about how great that was.

So, we need six caterers.

Find me another caterer or
I'm gonna find another mom!

Excuse me, Tammy? I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation.

If you need another caterer for
your Bat Mitzvah, my dad can do it.

We help him with catering jobs
all the time.

No, no, we can't do that.

(groans) What does he do again?

Nothing. No...
Burgers.

(groans) Can he do sliders?

'Cause I want slider burgers.

Oh, no, he's terrible at sliders.

He can do sliders.
No, he...

He can make them as small as you
want. Oh... He has a real...

He can make them so small
you can't even see them. No.

I'm eating one right now.

(groans) Fine.
(phone ringing)

He's hired, he's hired.

No!
Oh, okay.

We'll be there!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just have your parents
call my parents.

I got to take this.

What is it now, Rabbi Rosenberg?

What is it now?

Yes!
Great!

Now we all have to go
to that "Brat" Mitzvah.

Have fun explaining this to Dad!

I'm sure Dad will love it.

No way.

Dad, you have to!

No I don't, Tina.

I-I don't like catering.

You guys always wander off and
leave me with all the work.

Dad, this is the only way I get
to go to Tammy's Bat Mitzvah!

Tina, this isn't going
to Tammy's Bat Mitzvah.

It's working at it.

Won't it be awkward for you with
all your friends there as guests?

You don't understand!
This is my way in!

She's having B-FOS
from all around the world!

(groaning)

All right, calm down.
That's it.

Get all the blood to your head.
Let it flow.

Does it really mean
that much to you?

- Yes! Look at my face!
- Oh, my God.

Aah! One luftballon!

Okay, get her up, get her up!

(all gru.ting)

I don't know.

We won't leave you alone

this time, Bobby. Right, guys?

Eh.
Soft maybe.

Please, Dad?

Fine. We'll do it.

Yay!
All right!

Now can I get circumcised?

Gene.
I know some people.

Look at all this food.

It's like we died and went to
fancy mall food court heaven.

That is the creepiest
thing I've ever seen.

TINA: I think it's nice.

Two mini burgers, please.

Hey, Jimmy Jr.

Zeke.
What's it like out there?

So sweet. They even have
a DJ in the bathroom.

I was dancing so hard I
forgot why I went in there.

Wow.
I've had not one,

not two, but three Tammy-tinis!

I'm waiting for the sugar
to hit me!

Here I go, oh!
Here he goes.

It's gonna happen.
It's coming!

Here we go. Kaboom!

Nice!

I'm hyper. Officially hyper.

Wow, sounds grea...

Hey, can we get those mini burgers?

They're taking a long time.

Oh, right.

Hurry up, T-town.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

for the star of the evening.

Tammy!

♪ She's Tammy, she's glammy ♪

♪ She's just a little hammy ♪

♪ If she sang a song
right now ♪

♪ She'd probably win a Grammy ♪

♪ You know who I'm talking of ♪

♪ So why don't you all say
mazel tov ♪

♪ Tammy, yeah. ♪

Hey, everyone!

Mazel tov to me!

Mazel tov!

Tina, is this Tammy-tastrophe
everything you dreamed it would be?

I wish I was more in the mix.

From here, I can only
look at the B-FOS,

but not touch.
You could probably touch them.

You think so?
Yeah.

(grunting)

No, I can't.
Aw, I have

bad depth perception, sorry.

What's going on here?

Where are the Tammy toothpicks?
Tammy what?

All of the food is supposed to have
toothpicks with my face on top.

Janet, what's happening?

Here are your toothpicks.

And here's your headset.

You didn't give them
a headset either?

God, Janet!
What's this for?

So Janet can stay in contact
with all the caterers. Duh.

Why would we need
to stay in contact?

Hello?! The toothpicks?

That was almost a major disaster.

Uh, you're kind
of exaggerating, Tammy.

I'm exaggerating?

Yeah, I think so.
A little bit.

That is literally
the stupidest thing

that anyone has ever said
in the history of mankind.

Ever!

You're having a hard day, I think.

I'm having the best day of my life.

It's my Bat Mitzvah.

You're a wonderful little girl.

Thank you.

What a 'tude.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

During the walk there and back,
it'll be like I'm at the party.

Great, now we lost Tina.

No one else is allowed to leave.

TAMMY (over headset): Janet,
we're out of ranch dressing!

JANET: Um... I-I...
If a chicken tender

touches my lips
without ranch dressing

I am literally
going to kill someone!

I'm not wearing this.

I'll take that.

Bat Zilla.

(roaring)

Oh, no. Who said that?

Janet, are you listening to me?

LOUISE: Bat Zilla's angry, Janet.

What are you gonna do?

JANET:
Uh, please, if this could just,

uh, I've got two and half me hours?

Bat Zilla's gonna kill you
in under two.

(whispering):
You're absolutely right.

You're absolutely right.

Janet, you got to get out of this.

Please help, please help!

You're better than this!

Janet, you know you can do better!

Who are you?
The voice in your head, Janet.

Ah, no big deal.

Just the single greatest collection

of food ever assembled
under one roof.

Not gonna wander off.
Nah, good Linda.

Stay right here.

(sniffs)

The crepes smell good.

The crepes smell real good!

Don't know you, don't know you.

Janet!

What's wrong with Tammy's eye?

Uh, that one's a little
bigger than that one.

Not me! Her!
Uh, uh...

I need someone to fix the
bulb on the Tammy head stat.

Janet, you got to get out of here.

I do, I do. What are you
doing here still, Janet?

What are your dreams?
I know you've got dreams.

I'm gonna... move to New York.

You should go there, Janet.

And I'm gonna sing and dance!

Give me some of that singing.

Give it to me now, Janet.

♪ Start sp... ♪

Wake up, Janet! Wake up.

You wake up, Tammy.

'Cause guess what?

I quit!
What?!

Oh, how the tides
have turned, Tammy!

Janet, don't you dare.

Oh, look at me.

The headset's a-coming
off of the ears!

Janet, don't you take
that ear... headset off!

I can't hear you anymore!
Janet!

Look I respond to nothing, Tammy!

Janet! Janet!

Nothing but my own desire to be
a star!

Janet!

(laughs)

Oh, voice, voice,
you've taught me well.

Janet!

You're welcome, Janet.

Excuse me, Tammy?

This might not be the best time

but can you tell me where
the ladies' room is?

(groans) Not now, Tina!

(panting)

Wait, how good are you
with a clipboard?

I'm okay.

Sometimes I get my fingers
caught in the clip thing.

Here, you're my new coordinator.

I am?
Yeah.

You wanted to be at the party...
now you're running the party.

Okay, I'll do the...

First, the schedule's
on the clipboard.

We have to stick to
it no matter what.

Got it?
Check.

See all those people?

Those are my relatives.

We're not close and they
all have old person face.

So it's your job to
tell me who's who.

How will I know who's...?

There's a Tammy's family cheat
sheet on the clipboard.

Oh, okay.
And that's Justin.

He's the cutest guy
in Hebrew school.

Remember that punim, okay?

That means "face"
in old Jewish language.

Justin.
The ladies choice dance is at 9:30.

And by ladies, I mean me.

I'm choosing Justin
as my dance partner.

That makes sense. And that'll
lead right into the hora,

which is when I get
lifted into a chair

and I feel like a Jewish movie
star, like Whoopi Goldberg.

Would it be okay if I went
to the bathroom really fast?

Never mind, I-I'll hold it.

I'll make it go away.
You do that.

LOUISE:
Tina, did you just get bat-bullied

into being a party planner?

Louise?
This line is for work only.

Why do you want to
be the new Janet?

Well, at least I'm not stuck
behind the burger station.

TAMMY: Tina, I've got a wedgie

and I'm not gonna pick it
at my own party!

Janet had small fingers!
Got to go.

Hmm.

Hello, guac.

Let's take a little walk.

Uh, where's Louise?
Did we lose her, too?

She's on the Mexican food,
Chinese food border.

It's a war zone!

I'll go see if she needs backup.

No.
Oh, boo.

Bobby, I'm getting light-headed,
I need some air.

Lin, you're not light-headed.
You want a crepe.

You've been saying crepe under
your breath for ten minutes.

What?!

Crepe.

There's crepes here?

Crepe.
You're doing it.

I am not!

Don't be ridiculous!

Crepe.
You just did it.

Crepe. What?!
Oh, my God.

I didn't do nothing.
Just go.

I told you, I'm light-headed.

Just go.

Crepe, crepe, crepe.
Go.

Crepe, crepe, crepe, crepe,

cr... I'll be, I'll be right back!

Mm-hmm.
Crepe! Crepe!

Wait for me, Mom!

(grunts) Why aren't I moving?

I will not be left alone.

But Mom said she'd be right back!

Gene, look at me.

You and I both know your mom's not
coming back after just one crepe.

She's not gonna stop, Gene.

She's never gonna stop.

It's who she is.

If she stops, she'll die.

Like a crepe shark.

Gene?
Yes.

We need to stick together.

I'm gonna grill and
you're gonna plate.

Dad, I never realized
how soulful your eyes are.

(groans) Gene.

Wait, really?

Aunt Frida from Florida.

She had hip-replacement
surgery last year.

Aunt Frida!
Your new hip looks hot.

Tammy, I'm so proud
of you on your big day.

(grunting) We got a clinger!

Tina.
Let go of Tammy.

(grunts)

Those are your parents.

I know who my parents are, Tina.

Are you having fun, honey?

Mom, You got
your weird perfume on me!

(groans) I got to go swab this off.

Tina, make sure we
stay on schedule.

Okay.
It's not weird.

You like it, right?

Um, yeah, I like it.

I wear it. It's bisexual.

Do you mean unisex?

It's the same thing.

It is not the same thing.

My swim-aerobics instructor
is bisexual.

Thank you, Frida.

(humming)

What? This shouldn't be open!

Looks like you got
a runny nose, Tammy.

(Tammy gasps)

What are you doing in my head?

(gasps) Whoops.

Hey, Tammy!
Good to see you there.

I thought the tortilla chips
were in here.

Which is like, so creative.

But I guess not.

(gasps) You were going
to pour guacamole

out of my nose like
boogers, weren't you?!

(laughing): Oh, my God,
Tammy, that's hilarious.

Let's do it!

Stop it!

What's going on?

I think we're going up!

God, it won't open!

No!
Hello!

(screaming) I'm in here!

Help us!
I'm in here!

It's Tammy the Bat Mitzvah girl!

No one can hear us
over the terrible band!

The Klezbians are
not a terrible band!

Yes, they are!
How dare you!

Oh, help!
(Tammy screams)

TAMMY: Hello! LOUISE: No!

I'm in here!
(yells)

♪ ♪

Oops!
Gene, easy.

That's the fifth burger
you've dropped on the floor.

That you know of...
TINA: Have you guys seen Tammy?

Oh, good.
You're back.

No, I'm not back,
I'm the new Janet.

I'm really busy.
Tammy's supposed to lead off

the limbo soon and
I can't find her anywhere.

I haven't seen her in a
while, and I have to say,

I have enjoyed every
minute of our time apart.

Have you seen your
mother or Louise?

We don't need them!

Oops!
(sighs)

Mom's over by
the Italian food station.

Hi!

Mm.
You gotta try this!

I-I mean, I'll be right back!

Mm.
I gotta find Tammy.

We gotta stay on schedule
no matter what.

Ugh. We're out of napkins. I'll go.

I don't know what they're for,

but I'll get 'em.
No. No.

Gene, you stay here.
I'll go.

TAMMY: Help!

The headset's clogged.

Um, who cares about that right now?

You should, Tammy, because
the headset was our only way

of communicating
with the outside world.

Now I'm gonna die in here

and they're gonna find
my bones in your head.

This wasn't the head I wanted
them to find my bones in!

Hello!

It's me, Tammy!

The star of the Bat Mitzvah!

(sighs loudly) Okay.

Let's do what I came here to do.

You are not pouring
guacamole out of my nose.

If I pour the guacamole,
it might fall on someone

and they'll look up and see us.

Ugh. Fine.

(grunts)

LOUISE: No... no, no!

TAMMY: Why isn't it falling?

Because of your big mouth, Tammy!

Someone's gotta notice I'm missing.

This is my party.

The theme is me.

What are you planning to do with
this stupid head after today anyway?

Um, hello?

I'm gonna donate it to charity.

I do thihink about other people.

Gnocchi.
Looks good.

Maybe I'll just try one.

Mmm.
That's really good.

Okeydokey, gnocchi.

I'm sorry I just said that.

Out loud.

To myself.

Uh... my dad said
he'd be right back.

He's getting napkins,
whatever that is!

In the meantime, is anyone
here for just a plain bun?

Mr. and Mrs. Larson,
I can't find Tammy

and we're supposed to do
the limbo in two minutes.

Hi, Other Janet.

Sometimes when Tammy gets like this

we just let her take
some time by herself.

We call it Tammy time.

But Tammy time isn't
on the schedule.

Other Janet's moving her mouth but
all I hear is, "We-wah we-wah."

(laughing)

Ow.

(sighs) What?

Be a man.
You be a man.

It's time for the limbo!

(sighs)

Somebody's gotta
kick this thing off.

I guess it's gotta be me.

How low can you go?

Not that low.

Still too low.

Yeah, a little higher.
Mm, one more inch?

Well, you'll walk
right under it now!

Yeah, but just in case,
a little higher.

Okay, everybody, let's limbo!

What the hell is your sister doing?

Looks like the limbo.

Or some awkward version of it.

I was supposed to
lead off the limbo.

I was the one who went
to limbo boot camp!

Limbo, check.

Next on the schedule
is the conga line.

Gotta stay on schedule
no matter what.

Whoops.
Bob!

What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?

I'm eating this dumpling.

Yeah, the food here is really good.

They hired great caterers
for this, right?

Yeah, except for us...
sneaking off like

a couple of Shirky Shirleys.
(laughs)

No, no, no, it's okay.

Uh, Gene is running the ship
over there, so we're fine.

Over where?
Where-where is he?

Over, uh, there, see?

Behind the... uh, you
can't see from here.

Where are we?
Yeah.

We are not in the same hall
as we were a minute ago.

It's like the end of
The Shining in here.

We could get lost.
Where did everybody go?

Wait a minute, this is a wedding!

Hey, boys.

It's time for the conga line.

Grab on and let's go.

Oh, hey, okay.

I could get used to being Tammy.

Look out for that wall!

I got it!
(Tammy gasps)

TAMMY: Tina hijacked my conga line!

I want my conga!

Looks like they're
doing fine without you.

Are you kidding?

She's all over the road!

It's da-da-da-da da-da.

It's not supposed to be like

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
(makes farting noise)

(headset beeps) Guess what?

No, you guess what.

When we get out of here,
Tina is so fired.

I'll have my Bat Mitzvah back

and your lame sister can
conga her butt outta here.

(whispering): You owe me one, Tina.

You know what,
I can't fix this thing.

Looks like you won't be getting
your party back for a while.

(beeps) It's just you and me,
Tam-tam.

We're going to take a quick break.

We'll be right back.

Excuse me, but there's
no break on the schedule.

Uh, I gotta call my dog sitter.

But it's time for me
to lead the Macarena.

So, hey, Macarena
or hey, you're fired.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hamotzi lechem
min ha'aretz. ♪

Tammy's taking Tammy time.

I'm filling in.
Take it.

♪ Amen. ♪

♪ ♪

(guests cheering)

It's been almost two hours.

No one even notices
that I'm not there.

Wow.

This is like a reverse
It's a Wonderful Life.

You get toee how much better off

everyone is without
you shrieking at them.

Yeah.

(sobbing)

Okay, okay, easy there, ugh.

Everyone is having a
good time without me.

It's true.

I was being...

A horrible Bat Zilla?

Yeah.

Like, the worst person alive?

(sobbing)

Just like, a crazy monster?

Yeah!

All right, there you go.
Coming around.

(snapping fingers) Hey. Hey. Hey.

Look at this!

Tammy!
What?

I fixed the headset. What?

I fixed the headset.

Oh. Oh!

You're a genius!
I know.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Get us out of here!

Oh, it's broken! No! (sobbing)

Okay, I fixed it, I fixed it.

But you watch your tone.

I'm sorry.

And you better start inviting my
sister to all your dumb parties.

I can't give you a guarantee.

All right, then it's broken.

No!
(sobbing)

(playing "The Chicken Dance")

♪ ♪

Come on!
Keep up!

What part of the chicken
dance don't you understand?

Tina, you're kind of
getting an attitude.

Hmm. Let me check the schedule for
mouthing off to the party planner.

No. Not on here.

So zip your lips
and shake your hips.

LOUISE (in headset):
Tina! Tina, can you hear me?

Louise?

Oh, Tina!
Hey, hey!

TINA: Where are you?

I'm stuck inside Tammy's head!

Yeah. This whole thing
is just too much Tammy.

LOUISE: No! I'm literally stuck
inside Tammy's giant head.

With Tammy!

Get us out of here!

Huh? How did you guys get up there?

Are those boogers?
That's funny.

Thank you.
Can you just get us down?

Okay, I'll get the
maintenance guy to...

"Ladies choice dance
with Justin." What?

Oh, I mean, it's just that next
on the schedule is ladies choice

- dancing with Justin.
- So?

- And if we want to stay on schedule...
- No, no, no, no.

...I probably should keep
filling in for Tammy.

It's what she would've wanted.

No!

Tina!
Get us out of here right now!

I want my Bat Mitzvah back!

Um...
(imitates static)

Uh-oh, you guys are
starting to break up.

(static) I can't hear you.

LOUISE: You're terrible at
making static sounds, Tina.

Get us down!

TAMMY: Give me back my party,
you psycho!

(imitating static)
I'm losing you guys.

(static) I'm not a psycho.

LOUISE:
Tina, don't do th... (gasps)

Hi, Aunt Frida.

FRIDA: Hi, Other Tammy.

TAMMY: Your single white female
sister is out of control!

What do we do?

I don't know, Tammy,
I hate her, too!

Plan B.

And what is that?

Going back to your plan A.

Jump till this thing breaks open!

Go!
You got it!

(grunting, yelling)

LOUISE: Oh, my little legs!

Justin, it's time for your
ladies choice dance with Tammy.

But since she's still taking Tammy
time, we found you another partner

and it is me.
Um, but...

Can't talk...
there's a schedule.

Hey!
This burger isn't cooked!

You want this food cooked,

you go put it in a sink
and run it under hot water.

All right.

Good! I don't have time to run
all this food under hot water.

Who's next?

It's time for the Bat Mitzvah lady
and the gentleman of her choice

to take the dance floor.

That's us.

♪ ♪

What's Tina doing out there?

Becoming a woman. Oh.

The hand wants what the hand wants.

I can't tell where your back
ends and your butt begins.

Oh, there it is.
I was just too high.

(grunting) That's my song!

She's doing my dance!

(growls)

(Tammy screams, guests gasp)

Oh, my God!

Lower the Tammy head!

(whirring)

Uh-oh.

We've been looking for you!

Honey, are you okay?

Hold on. Hold on,
let me put down my drink.

You! Justin, what are you doing?

I'm not Tammy!

Get my hands off your upper butt.

The ball is over, Fake-erella.

Tina, what the hell?

(growling) I was stuck in there
with that and you did nothing!

Why didn't you rescue us?

Um, I guess I got a little
swept up in my role.

Yeah, you think?!

The power of the Bat Mitzvah
is intoxicating.

It's like a religious experience.

Tammy, they don't get it.

But I do.
We do.

I guess we do.

Thanks for coming
to my Bat Mitzvah.

(snarling) Um...

Time for the hora,
everyone! The hora!

(band playing "Hava Nagila")
The hora!

This isn't over, Tina!

Oh, my God.

See, this is what
happens when we cater.

We better get out of here
before we get chased out.

Let's go back to the wedding.

Ooh, I want to sign the guest book.

Sorry we left you, Gene.

I'm not!
It was easy.

You make it seem so difficult.

Once you stop using
the grill, it's fast.

For my Bat Mitzvah, I just
want a gift certificate.

Louise, you're not getting
a Bat Mitzvah. I know.

Because I'm getting
a gift certificate.

Mazel tov, Tammy!

♪ Uru akhim be-lev sameakh ♪

♪ Uru akhim be-lev sameakh ♪

♪ Uru akhim be-lev sameakh ♪

♪ Uru akhim be-lev sameakh ♪

♪ Uru akhim ♪

♪ Be-lev sameakh ♪

♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ve-nismekha ♪

♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ve-nismekha ♪

♪ Hava neranenah,
hava neranenah ♪

♪ Hava neranenah
ve-nismekha... ♪