Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 13, Episode 12 - Episode #13.12 - full transcript

Life, right? Are you watching
the rowboat guy video again?

He's not just the
rowboat guy, Lin.

He's Quincy Cox. He's
gonna be the first person

to row by himself from
New Zealand to Nova Scotia,

retracing the
original wool route,

which I guess was a thing?

When I asked
the Lamb & Wool Federation

to sponsor my adventure, they
said, "Wool, all right." Get it?

Ha. "Wool, all right."

It's always been my dream

to be the first
solo-wool-route-rower,



and after years of
preparation, I'm finally here.

I'm on my route!

Dad, you do know there's more

than one video on
the Internet, right?

You don't have to
keep watching this one.

It's just, I still can't
believe he's coming here...

to our restaurant today.

Quincy Cox.

You only found out
about this guy yesterday

when the publicist called.

I know. Best call ever.

Quincy Cox is stopping
on his route, in our town,

and they ask him what he wants
to eat, and he says, "A burger,"

and they pick our restaurant.



And you said "Who's Quincy Cox?"

I know. I said that. I was
dumb then. I'm smart now.

- Eh.
- And as if that wasn't already really great,

a reporter from the
paper is coming here

to cover him eating our burger.

It's huge publicity for us,

so you all need to get
a little more excited.

- It's weird to see Dad happy.
- I don't know if I like it.

Also, this boat is
just so cool, and cozy,

with everything you need.

I could see doing that. Maybe?

You know? With solar
panels that charge the batteries

that power the
navigation system.

And the desalination tank.

The satellite phone,
the tiny cabin to sleep in,

little fishing pole,

and the induction
burner to cook the fish.

Dad, are you gonna
leave us for a rowboat?

If it would have me.

Man, I have never been so
glad to live on the wool route.

I guess I just
take it for granted.

Doesn't he get bored out there?

Rowing and rowing,
every single day? Eh-eh-eh.

Um, okay, Quincy's
gonna be here any minute,

and I don't want him
to see you doing that.

I won't. It just sounds really
boring and dumb, that's all.

Look, maybe it's better

if none of you talk to
him when he's here?

Maybe you could
all be... upstairs?

No way! We're gonna be in
the paper, baby! A picture of us!

Yeah, I curled my
hair for this. Huh?

Just the one, or...?

I mean, I don't really
know how to curl my hair,

but I think you
just twist it up a lot?

Hi! Oh, it's Gene.

Nice to see you, too!

There's our little paper-folder.

How was your first
day in origami club?

- I quit.
- What? No.

Yup. I just thought
it could be my thing.

Like, "Hey, there's
that origami guy.

He looks into your eyes
and folds what's in your soul."

But it turns out origami
is not for-aga-me!

What happened?
You were so excited.

Saturday origami
club at the Rec Center.

It's just so much folding.

And the cranes.
It's all about cranes.

Is that a crane?

I think so.

- A crane's a bird, right?
- It is?!

Gene, you just
joined. You can't quit.

Eh, sometimes
you know right away

when something's not a good fit.

Like when Dad
tried wearing shorts?

Those were a tense couple days.

- Mm.
- It's good to see things through.

And you've been on a little
bit of a quit-streak lately.

I don't want to do this
anymore! I don't like this!

What was I thinking?

No, thank you!

I was really hoping
this one might stick.

I was gonna be an origami Mommy.

I mean, Lin, maybe it's okay
to quit things that are origami

and all those other things.

Listen, give it another shot.

Go to the next meeting,
and if you still hate it,

- then quit, okay?
- Eh...

- Oh, he's here!
- Oops. Sorry, Mom. We're doing that now.

And he's walking

as if he's never
been on land before.

No one say anything
about that, okay? Be cool.

- Like this? Mm.
- Stop.

- Like this?
- Guys, stop.

- Be cool like you?
- All of you, stop.

- Hello.
- Quincy Cox. Hi.

Uh, welcome to Bob's
Burgers. We're huge fans.

Are you by yourself, or do
you have, like, an entourage?

Uh, I don't know a lot
about the rowing world.

Oh, it does not
smell like the ocean in here.

That's the nicest thing anyone's
ever said about this place.

- Louise.
- Oh, I've been dreaming of a burger for months.

You sure you don't want Thai food?

- Or maybe a hoagie?
- Gene.

My publicist says you're
the best burger in town.

Or the closest burger to where

I was getting out of
the ocean, anyhow.

Aw, that's our thing.

And our burgers are good.
I mean, I hope you like it.

Dad, just ask him to prom.

Louise, just leave me alone.

Oh. Whoa! I'm wobbling,
right? Not-not the floors?

Yup. Our floor just
got de-wobbled.

Uh, I'm Bob. Uh,
it's great to meet you.

- Hello, Bob, everyone.
- Hi.

Should I order now?

Oh, aren't we gonna do that
when the reporter gets here?

You know, for the photo op?

Right. The interview,
the photo op.

Uh, let's just check
with my publicist.

"So hungry. Where is reporter?"

She's typing. Okay.

"He's running 20 mins
late, 45 mins max."

"I... might...
die... before then."

Oh, here we go.

She says I can get one now,

and another one when
the reporter gets here.

Okay. You have more
than one burger, right?

I... do. Do-do you want
the burger of the day?

The Mold Man and the Sea Burger.

Comes with blue
cheese. Oh, great.

We told him not to put the
word "mold" on the menu,

but he hates money.

The thought of a juicy, meaty
burger is what kept me going.

It was your meat-avation.
Sorry.

I've only had fish
for the last 12 weeks.

And dehydrated fat-replacement
supplement packets.

Yum!

- Here you go.
- Oh, wow.

I'm gonna eat this
fella nice and slow

so my belly doesn't rupture.

- Cool.
- Mmm! Mmm!

Um... are you crying.

It-It's more weeping.

Um, is that... is
that a good thing?

Oh.

Uh. Okay.

A little announcement. I'm done.

Oh. You're done?
W-Was it not... good?

Should I... go do
a different job?

I'm done with the route.

I'm-I'm done rowing.
I'm-I'm done with the boat.

I'm just done, done with that
dream, thanks to you, Bob.

And I'll tell the reporter
to quote me on that

because this Mold Man
isn't going back to the sea.

- Wait. What?!
- Uh..

Dad, I think your
burger just made him quit.

- Um, thanks, Gene.
- No problem.

Huh...

Do you guys have any
ketchup? Oh, there it is.

But, Quincy, you can't
just be done with rowing.

You were gonna be the first
solo rower to row the wool route.

I can't go back out there, Bob.

This burger's so
good. Uh... I... Oh.

I-I... I just realized that
I miss this too much.

I just want to
live on land again,

eat good food and sleep in a bed

and see people and TV
and department stores.

- Do people still drive cars?
- The cool ones do.

Well, I've said it. I quit.

That feels good.

Yes, it does.

No. No. No. No, it
doesn't feel good.

Quincy, you can't just quit.

- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't!

- Can, too!
- I mean, he can.

- Well, he shouldn't.
- Shouldn't he? Hmm?

I can't go back on that
boat. It all makes sense now.

This burger's helped
clear everything away.

- Way to go, Dad.
- Wait.

Let's, uh, stop
blaming the burger.

I mean, Quincy, you're-you're
an inspiration to everyone.

- Well...
- So you can't quit!

What about what
you said earlier, Dad?

"It's okay to quit a thing"?

I remember when you said
those super helpful words,

and I quietly judged you.

But Quincy is rowing
across the world.

Gene was talking
about origami club.

Gene could origami
across the world.

I mean, a paper boat's
probably not great, but...

Also, just saying,
might not make

for the best newspaper article.

"Restaurant's Burger
Makes Man Want

to Quit Inspirational
Thing He Was Doing."

Oh, yeah. We don't
want that article. Oh, God.

And the reporter's gonna be
here any minute now. Oh, no.

- Bob, Bob, come here.
- Okay.

Uh, be right back, Just
having a land talk.

That poor guy is delirious.

He doesn't know what
he's saying. Here's the thing.

I would quit, too. I don't
get rowing by yourself

across the ocean, but you do.

You were talking about it like

he was floating around
in a Rolls frickin' Royce.

So you're the guy who
should convince him

to get back in that boat.

And hopefully, really quick,
before the reporter gets here.

It'll be a good
example for Gene, too.

I mean, I was trying, but
I can try more, I guess.

Maybe I'll think
smarter things now

with the same
brain I had before?

See? You're already doing it.

Um, did you... meet
any cool dolphins,

or hit it off with any whales?

- Well, there was this one bird.
- Was it a crane?

- No.
- Good.

But he turned out
to be a bit of a jerk.

Um... so...

- Do it.
- I'm doing it.

Do it faster.

So, Quincy, I-I...
I'm not good at maps,

but just to say
it, it seems like

you're really close to
the end of your journey.

I think Nova Scotia
is what, just, like,

another thousand-ish miles away?

Aah! A month! Millions of these.

That's a fun
motion to do a lot of.

And you've come so far.

Also, land is not that great.

Land doesn't have a cozy
cabin, no desalination system.

Just stupid regular water
that doesn't even have salt in it.

But, Quincy, you look like

you're having so much
fun on your website.

- It made me want to do it.
- Oh, that's editing.

There's hours and
hours of footage

of me getting rolled
over by the waves,

vomiting on myself.

Aah! Aah!

- That's what I'm smelling.
- Ah. Oh, yeah.

And I don't think
they posted the part

where I went totally insane.

You've never seen Footloose!

H-How do you know
you don't like it?!

And all the crying.
They cut that out, I bet?

Make it stop!

But, Quincy, what you're
doing affects a lot of other people

'cause they see you do this,

and they do their own version of
rowing a boat around the world.

Be it a paper-folding
related activity or whatever.

- Mm.
- Yeah, that's right.

People need stuff like that.

Y-You inspired me to
watch all your videos

- and to go for my dreams.
- Nice.

I should tell
my publicist I'm quitting.

Oh, she's gonna be very
upset. She works so hard.

Well, I don't know why
I said she works hard.

Maybe she works
just the normal amount.

I've never actually met
her, but she will be upset.

I mean, maybe just, you
know, take some time,

rest, recharge,
finish your burger.

My burger. My sweet,
sweet Land Burger! Land!

Oh, I mean, uh,
forget the burger.

Maybe focus on the fries?

And the reporter's gonna
come, and this whole

"I want to quit" thing
will feel like just a blip.

You just capsized for a minute.

But our anti-capsizing
technology...

Meaning this pep talk...
Put us right back up again.

Aah, the capsizing!

- Bob.
- Not capsizing. Forget I said that.

I'm just very
emotional right now.

And my muscles
are seizing up. Aah!

- Because they miss the ocean!
- You think?

Yes! You got to
finish. Do it for...

this sweet little boy.
Look at this face.

And he needs
something to inspire him.

No, I don't. Don't do it for me.

Mm, mm, mm.

And he's so excited
about you finishing.

Linda, I-I think you're
smothering him.

In so many ways.

Now he's chewing
on your fingers.

Gene,
stop. Gene, stop! Gene!

All right, all right. People
are counting on me.

I can
do it. I can do it!

I think I can do it.

Just turn off the part of
my brain that feels pain.

And sadness and fear.

And loneliness and
hunger and vomit.

Good for you!

He's back
in. Little delicate.

If we don't bring up the tough
stuff, maybe he'll be okay.

Hi, I'm Ralph. I'm
from the paper.

I think we've met before.

- Oh, uh, yeah.
- Hi!

And you must be Quincy Cox.

I cannot believe what you
put yourself through out there.

So dangerous, so isolated.

No one in their right mind
would do what you're doing,

but you're doing it! Amazing!

- Hmm. - Hmm.
- Okay.

Let's get crack-a-lackin'.

My first question.

What are the ten worst things
that happened to you out there?

- - Oh, boy.
- Oh, no.

Can I bring anyone a water?

Salted or unsalted?

Oh. Are we doing
this in the booth?

And are we doing it lying
down? What are we doing?

He's fine. He's doing great.

Why-why don't I
bring the burger over

and see if we can
get Quincy to sit up?

And... maybe stop crying?

This is bad.

Uh, maybe we could
do a nice picture

before we get to the questions?

Quincy, I'm gonna reach
down and try to help you sit up,

'cause you seem like
you might need a little...

- Help.
- Bob, your back.

- I know.
- Your back.

He's just so tired.

Yeah, yeah, so much rowing.

Gene, go underneath,
go on the other side

and push from there.

Or we just let him
do his own thing?

- Gene, go!
- Okay!

- There we go.
- Oh. Oh.

I'm scared to let
go of this hand.

Put-put his other
hand on the burger.

Quincy, I'm gonna put
your hand on the burger now.

Okay, totally normal.

Now let's let go so
we can take the picture.

- There we go.
- - Oh...

Try again! Try again!

Louise, go get a box
from the basement.

We'll prop him up.
Gene, duck out of the shot.

You guys are focusing
on the wrong thing.

What do we do about
the tear-stained cheeks

and the dead eyes?

Oh, that's just how humans
look. We photoshop it all the time.

Aah. Uh-oh.

Have you been
selected for a survey?

My publicist says I pulled
up on the wrong beach.

Oh. I was wondering why there
was no one there to greet me.

It's nice to be greeted,
you know. Nice greeting.

Oh. Yup, sounds like

I didn't go to the right dock.

I was supposed to go to the
dock north of the amusement park.

- Oh, so what dock did you go to?
- The beach.

You just pulled up on the
beach and walked here?

Yeah, I was very hungry.

Ooh, sounds like I have
to move the boat now,

or they're gonna take it away.

- What? Like, tow it?
- Oh, you know what?

Just let 'em take it. They
can take the whole thing.

Just... It's garbage!
Put it in the garbage!

Set it on fire, I don't
care! Hit-hit it with a stick!

Um, here's a question.
Won't it make it hard

to row without your rowboat?

- Great question.
- I don't even want to row anymore.

- Oh, he's just, uh...
- Oh, I don't know that's where you want

- to start with the question.
- Oh, there's your picture.

- Take it now.
- Maybe do some background stuff.

- Take it now. Look at him.
- Uh, ask him about the bird.

Where? Wh-Where's the bird?

He just loves that bird.

Oh, gosh, everyone's so upset.

"Put... it... in...
the garbage!"

Quincy! Quincy, you stay
here and do the interview...

More like we talked
about before...

And I'll go down and help
them stop towing your boat.

This would all be so easy
if you'd just let him quit.

- Gene, go with your father!
- Mm, fine.

Easy, easy.

Okay, good luck. I'll-I'll
call you from the beach.

Let's go back to
my first question.

Ten worst things out there.

No! No, no, no, no.
No touching that.

Oh, I didn't even
know I did that.

- Maybe you didn't.
- Yeah, maybe I didn't.

- No, you did.
- Who can say?

No boats on the beach.
Move the boat or lose the boat.

Officer, please. This is
Quincy Cox's solo rowboat,

and it's kind of a big deal.

I-I know it seems like he
just left it here on the beach,

but that's 'cause
he's very tired,

because he rowed thousands
and thousands of miles by himself,

and people around the world
are following him on his website.

Uh, do I have reception here?

I-I was gonna show
you the website, Officer.

We-we could, you
know, watch the video.

But I don't have reception.

Also, you know, it wouldn't
look great on my phone.

But can you kind of picture
everything I'm saying?

- No.
- Dad, say everything again,

but this time, cup
his face in your hands.

- Are you close?
- Yeah.

Go ahead and get it out of here.

- Take it away.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I don't want to
talk about rowing.

I don't want to
talk about rowing!

Okay, that's a neat
way to do this interview,

but let me just ask
another question.

When
you're done making that noise,

I'd love to ask you,

how do you go to the
bathroom on the boat?

Everybody wants to know that.

It must be so gross.- -

Sorry. Did you just turn
off my recorder again?

No, no. T-Tina, did you?

- No.
- Louise?

Like, with my mind? No.

Huh. Did you
check the batteries?

Maybe it's the batteries.

Should we smash it
to check the batteries?

- Let's smash it.
- No, no, no!

You are being so weird
about that recorder.

Okay, okay, listen, there's
a dock north of the wharf.

We just have to get it there.

Okay. Then do it. Get it there.

- Wait. Me do it?
- You do it.

Or we tow it and impound it.

Okay. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna do it.

I'll just get in
and row the boat

around the wharf...
in the ocean.

Too bad it's not a stream.

'Cause then we could do
the "gently down it" part.

The "merrily" part,
too, would be nice.

I actually don't know where
you're gonna sit, Gene.

- How about there?
- I think that's where

my legs go, but-but sure.

Oh, shoes are wet.
Shoes and socks.

I wish I had taken them
off before doing this.

Bye-Bye, Officer Man!

Tell everyone we
know we love them!

- What?
- Nothing!

Okay. Gene, um, take my
phone and text your mother

that we're making
great decisions,

and not to worry, but
we are in... the ocean.

I'll just say, "In
ocean. Very, very safe.

Just remember the good times."

Gene, we're gonna be fine.

I just... I don't know
where the paddles are.

Oh, got 'em, found 'em.

Oh, dropped one.
That's not good.

But they float. That's... smart.

Okay, I got it. I
got it back.

Uh, take me back
to shore, please.

We're still at shore.
We haven't moved.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

I'm rowing Quincy Cox's boat.

Oh, my God. I have no idea
how to row Quincy Cox's boat.

I won't even mention that
you're sitting backwards.

- What? No, I'm not.
- Shh, shh, shh.

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

Okay, we-we got past
the crashy, wavy part,

and now we're onto
the rocky, wavy part.

And I remember when I
thought it would be really cool

to be on this boat, but
now, I feel a little differently

because this is...
really... difficult.

- It's not that hard.
- Uh-huh.

- Oh, Gene, put that on.
- What is it? A neck pillow?

- No, it's a life jacket, I think.
- How do I put it on?

I don't understand

this new-fangled
life vest technology!

All right, just hold it.
And if the boat flips over,

hold it really tightly.

The fear in your voice
makes me feel great about this.

Um, did he just fall
asleep during my interview?

Yeah, but I think you
got what you need.

- I got no answers.
- That's not true.

When you asked him that question

about how he goes to
the bathroom, he said...

No, that doesn't count.

And I didn't even
get a good picture.

We can solve that
problem right now.

Curl, do your stuff. And shoot.

"In ocean. Talk soon." What
the hell does that mean?

Oh, my God! Bob's
rowing the boat!

- What?!
- I quit!

- What?!
- Bob's rowing your boat!

Is that a bad thing? That
seems like a bad thing!

Uh, you know, it's
not recommended.

It can be a little squirrelly

if you haven't been
rowing for 11 months.

- How-how is he with capsizing?
- Aah!

Probably not great.

He loves it.

- Okay, we're going down there.
- Yeah, we are.

And, Quincy, maybe
you can tell me more

about that whole
quitting thing on the way.

Oh, you just fell down.

- I'm up. I'm up. I'm back up.
- No.

- Oh, am I not?
- Everyone, pick him up.

Let's go. Get him.
Everyone take a side.

Up, up, up.

Ah, yep. Oof. I'm halfway up.

I can't see where we're going.

Can you see where we're going?

- No. I mostly see your stomach.
- Aah.

We're fine. I mean, how
much ocean can there be?

Well, I hope the dock
we're trying to get to is...

getting closer to us?

That would be a fun coincidence.

Oh, there they
are! Way out there!

- Are you okay?!
- Aah. Aah! It's your mom.

- Why are you rowing?!
- I think she's saying

we're doing a great job?

And did she say I'm
doing especially good

at sitting in the
bottom of the boat?

I mean, I guess it's obvious.

So, while we've got
a minute, tell me more

about the "I quit" thing
that you said before.

Too hard, right? Too hard out
there? Way too hard for you?

The sea broke you down.
Is that the story I'm writing?

That's the story
I'm writing, right?

Oh, he's really struggling.

He's not doing well, is he?

Is something wrong with
his arms? And his body?

There's nothing wrong
with his arms and his body.

Well, there's some things
wrong with his body, Mom.

He's trying to save your boat

because you were having
a freakout in our restaurant.

It's just... Wow.

Seeing someone else in my boat

is making me feel
kind of possessive.

I don't like it. I feel like
I should be doing that.

Yes, yes, you should!

I mean, I wouldn't be
doing it anything like that.

That is so inefficient.

Yeah, I'm having second
thoughts about the quitting.

Um... I'm kind of
liking the quitting story.

Yeah, I'm having regrets
about my earlier thoughts.

Well, I'm the one
writing the piece.

Well, I'm the one
withdrawing my statement!

Hey, you two, we got to move!

But, I mean, not that
fast? 'Cause look at 'em.

Yeah, we'll definitely
get there before them.

- So, hot dog?
- Yeah, I-I could eat a hot dog.

Oh, yeah. A picture of you,
with the ocean behind you,

eating a hot dog...
That would be great!

No! No, burger!

Burger, burger, burger for you!

No hot dogs.

My chest is on fire.

And so are my arms.
Ugh. And my toes.

Am I buff? Did I
just get into shape?

That sounds right.
Me, too, probably?

But... this is very hard.

I get wanting to quit.

See? Just like origami club.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Hey! There's the
dock... somehow.

But on the other hand, Gene,

I think what your
mom is worried about is

that if you quit too much
stuff, you might get used to it.

And then, you might
quit, like, everything

that's even a little bit hard,

and you'll never
challenge yourself.

You're taking origami
Mommy's side on this?

Well, you know, she's smart.

And I... I think that
what she was getting at...

Which I didn't see
then, but I see now,

because, you know, I'm
a different person now,

because, you know,
the ocean changes you...

Is pretty much everything
that's worth doing is hard.

And if you quit
things when they get hard,

you may never
get to the good part.

Ah, fine. I'll give origami
club another chance.

- Really?
- I do kind of want to do that frog.

His legs move.

Sounds hard.

- True.
- But... so is this.

You know, in case
you were wondering

while you just sit there.

I wasn't wondering because
you've said it so many times.

Do you want me to take a turn?

- Oh, we're here.
- Bobby, yay!

My hero! You made it!

Sort of. I mean, the
oars are backwards.

- Are you all eating hot dogs?
- No.

- Wait'll you see the picture, Dad.
- What?!

He finished!

Good for him.

He looks tired. Kind of scrawny.

His skin's a strange color, too.

Oh, and his lips
are peeling off.

- Gross. But he's smilin'!
- I'm puttin' it up.

Don't mess up my frog!

Your solar panels, oh, yeah.

They charge your batteries.

Big batteries.

Those power your
navigation system.

Me and you, boat,
we're never get lost.

Your desalination tank

pumping out clean water
to drink.

Makes me so thirsty, hydration.