Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 13, Episode 11 - Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang - full transcript

Ready for the big history
test today, Susmita?

Does this look ready? Mmm.

- Oh, wow.
- Uh, yeah.

I stayed up pretty
late studying.

I'm not as confident
as you, but, uh, history,

how hard can it be? It
happened already.

Oh, hey, Chelsea.

Um, you're making
a lot of eye contact.

Are you ready for the test?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Well, if you studied hard,



I'm sure you'll...

do great.

Okay, cool.

Just gonna talk
to Susmita again.

Hey, Susmita. You
ready for the test?

I already asked you
that. Sorry, sorry.

- Gene.
- Yes?

Please stop singing that.

What, we're not allowed to sing

radio jingles during
quiet reading time?

- You're not.
- Can I hum it?

- Nope.
- Hello, Wagstaffians.

If I could have your
attention, please.

Ms. Labonz, wait,
Mr. Frond needs our attention.



I'd like to remind everyone

about my new thera-doll
"Accountability Billy."

When you see your fellow
classmates doing anything wrong,

write it down, and put it
in Billy's little fanny pack.

And then I help Billy go
through the notes every morning.

Don't worry, it is cool
to tattle on your friends.

"Everyone loves a tattle tale."

So, Neil Roberts, Billy
wants to see you in my office.

Unrelated, thank you, Rudy.

What? No. No. Not me.

Okay, getting to the end here.

Boom. Easy peasy. Heh.

Another one. Boom again.

Dang, you're good,
Tina. Last question.

Yup, I know this one.

I, um, think.

Wait. No. That
doesn't feel right.

Okay, phew. There
it is. Final answer.

Well, look at that.
Susmita also picked "C."

Wait, whoops.

Don't-don't look at her
test. That's not good.

Um, let's make sure
nobody saw me doing that.

- Ah!
- You're cheating.

- No. I'm not.
- What?

Nothing.
You're cheating.

You're cheating right now.

You're writing down
all of her answers.

No, I am not.

- Yes, you are.
- What?

- Nothing, nothing. Sorry. Sorry.
- Shh.

All right, bring your
tests to the front,

and go be in someone
else's classroom.

Wait. Chelsea, can we talk?

Um...

Uh, hang on, Chelsea. Heh.

Chelsea? Chelsea!

So, is that a thing you do now?

Sing that jingle?

I don't even notice
I'm doing it anymore.

- We do.
- I heard it on the radio,

like, one time. I guess
it's stuck in my head.

Well, I don't get songs
stuck in my head,

'cause my head isn't like a
big gooshy ball of bubble gum

that things can get stuck in.

It's already in my head.

Now there's that version.

Hey, so this just might be

my tiny, child body talking,

but is our house freezing?

I turned up the heat
a little before dinner.

It should warm up in here soon.

In the meantime, I feel like

I should go put on a bra.

Or at least some pasties.

Look at these little diamonds.

Wait, Tina, you had
your big history test today.

- How was it?
- It was great.

I definitely didn't cheat.

Anyway, can you
pass the spaghetti?

Sure. Wait, what?

- Nothing.
- Okay.

Thanks. Mmm, so good.

Uh-oh, that's too big a bite.

A gigabyte?

Gonna push it back in my mouth.

Tina? It's
your brother and sister.

- From childhood?
- We couldn't help but notice

you were acting more not
normal than usual at dinner tonight.

And there was nothing on TV,

so we decided to
come check on you.

- Thanks, but I'm good.
- She seems great.

Okay fine. Shut the door.

Something kind of happened
during the history test today.

Not an interesting start.

I was taking the test

and I kind of glanced
at Susmita's test.

But I didn't mean to look,
and I looked away fast.

But this other girl, Chelsea,

was also looking
at Susmita's test,

and she was just copying
down all of her answers.

- Getting interesting-er.
- But Chelsea saw me

look at Susmita's test and
she called me a cheater.

And when I tried to
find her after class

to talk to her, she was gone.

So what? Now you're worried
she's gonna tell on you?

What? I didn't even
think about that.

I feel like we're
already helping.

Well, do you think
she's gonna tell on you?

I mean, she doesn't seem
like the telling on people type,

since she's, you know,
basically, uh, a criminal.

She's the girl
who got in trouble

for saying the F-word 23 times

during one game of kickball
and she got suspended.

Is that the same girl

who spray-painted the
F-word on the bleachers?

Yeah, she really
likes the F-word.

So, do you think she
thinks you'll tell on her?

Uh, I mean, I'm not sure.

Well, let me help you out.

Of course she thinks
you're gonna tell on her.

You're a hall monitor.

A really cool hall monitor?

I've been calling
people "Tiger" a lot lately.

Like, "Slow down
there, Tiger." Heh.

- Pretty cool.
- I'm just saying,

if you saw this girl cheating,
and she saw you cheating...

- I wasn't.
- She might think

she has to tell on you
before you tell on her.

I'm not gonna tell on
her. I'm terrified of her.

And maybe she knows
that, but maybe she thinks

you might tell on
her anonymously,

like say, by
writing it on a note

and stuffing it in a certain
little doll's fanny pack?

Oh, my God.
Accountability Billy.

W-What do I do? I'm
freaking out.

Do you need more
spaghetti? Never mind.

You weren't so good with it.

Just talk to Chelsea

when you get to school tomorrow

and make sure she knows

you aren't gonna
rat her out to Billy.

Yeah. Right. Okay.
That's a good plan.

It's cold. I
think I can see my breath.

I can taste Tina's.

What? Oh, yeah.

Okay, let's go find Chelsea.

Hey, Tina.

There's a note in my fanny pack

that says you're a cheater.

- What?
- And soon,

everyone's gonna know it.

I'm not a cheater.
Chelsea's a cheater.

Well, then you're just like her.

- No.
- You're two cheats in a pod.

- No.
- Two Cheater Cottontails.

- No.
- A couple of Cheater Sarsgaards.

No!

I got to talk to Chelsea.

All right, the Tina train is
heading out of the station

if anyone wants
to jump on board.

Toot, toot. Wow,
it's cold in here.

- Tina, look outside.
- No school.

- It's a snow day, baby!
- What?

Also, we think the
heater is broken

because we don't have heat.

I guess she fought hard
all through yesterday,

but she didn't make it.

I'm wearing layers.
It's a dress shirt.

You're gonna want layers.

And the heat is off
in the restaurant,

which is bad because
customers expect to have heat.

I'm trying to get
through to Teddy,

but he's not picking up.

So, no work and no school.

Wait, no. I have
to go to school!

Aw, so excited to learn.

Look alive, Tina.

We need your help.

We need you to help bring

every single pillow and
blanket you can find.

We're building a
pillow and blanket fort

'cause playing in the
snow didn't really work out.

Don't like it! Don't like it! Don't...

So, if we're gonna
enjoy this day,

we have to stay
warm, and the first step

to winter survival
is making a shelter.

I learned that from that
show, Making A Shelter.

I can't help. I'm
busy doing this.

Tina, it's gonna
be a really long day

if you spend it wishing
you were talking to

you-know-who
about you-know-what.

She's talking about
how that girl Chelsea

thinks you're a cheater.

Come on.

You can sulk inside our fort.

That you're gonna help finish.

But also please don't
sulk inside our fort.

We're trying to curate kind of
a non-sulky vibe/experience.

Fine.

There's our girl.

Now pillows and blankets. Mush!

And try to find
a nice accent piece.

Thanks for calling back, Teddy.

Yeah, it's broken-broken.
Do you think you could come?

Bob, I've literally
had this exact dream.

Your heater breaks. I rush over.

Linda is scared and so are you,

but I look you both
in the eyes and I say,

"Shh-shh, I'm here.
Teddy's here. You're fine."

And we all hold hands
while I fix your heater.

I don't know how I
do it with no hands.

Maybe I use my feet?

- Mm-hmm. So, can you come over?
- I can't.

I'm headed to a job.
Ah, why do I take jobs?

- Oh, my God.
- But don't worry.

I know an HVAC
guy who's really good,

but you know, he's a sweet
man. Maybe a little sensitive.

But, what does that mean?

Just don't razz him.

I know you like to razz, Bob.

- I-I don't razz.
- You roast. You razz.

- Teddy, that's not true.
- Ask anybody.

Teddy, I just want
our heater to work.

I'll send you his number.

Boy, I hit the brakes,
like, 20 seconds ago

and I'm still skidding. I
just slid right by my exit.

Teddy, be careful.

Ah, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna gently
steer into the guard rail.

- Teddy, don't do that.
- Hell of a time for a roast, Bobby.

- That wasn't a roast.
- I'm just about to go into

a guard rail, and
you're razzing me.

Oh, I regained control,
but I should probably go.

It's nice in here.

Maybe nicer than our house?

Oh, my God. It's so cozy.

There's my comforter.
Just right there on the floor.

And I'm using your
pillow as my foot rest.

My feet are gonna
smell like your face.

No. Give it to me.

It's too late. Keep it.

Tina, you okay, sweetie?

You look anxious.
You have to poop?

I'm great. So happy
we're not going to school.

Well, it's gonna
be a little longer

until the heat gets fixed today.

Do you guys need anything?

Hot cocoa please?
And just keep it coming?

Yeah, okay. You
kids just stay here

- and make everything smell bad.
- On it.

Ugh, Teddy's heater
guy still isn't answering.

Probably busy today.

Or maybe he's out
making a snowman?

It's just, if you
run a business,

you should pick
up your ph... Hi.

Hey. This is, uh, Bob Belcher.

I got your number from Teddy.

What-what did... What did I say?

Oh, I said if-if you
run a business,

you should pick up your phone.

But I was talking
about something else,

'cause you did pick up
your phone. Eventually.

Hello? Oh, good.

I-I thought you... I
thought you hung up.

You're doing great,
Bob. But do it better.

What a day. No
school, no restaurant.

Bottomless hot cocoa on the way.

Bottomless hot
cocoa? Yes, please.

No, no-no-no. You'll
catch your death.

- Keep your cheeks warm.
- Fine.

Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not in here.

Wait, where did Tina go?

I didn't cheat!

There she is. Tina,
we have to fix you.

For the sake of
the Pillow Palace,

which is a name
I'm workshopping.

- Cushion Castle?
- Damn it, that's better.

The only thing that could fix me

would be going to school
and talking to Chelsea.

I'm gonna put the blanket
back over you. Night-night.

Tina, there's some
exciting new technology

I think you should know
about. It's called the telephone.

Call Chelsea?

I don't know the number
of whatever burner phone

she's probably using right now.

Mom and Dad have to
have a school directory

around here somewhere, right?

Oh, my God. School directory.

Yeah, go ask Mom and Dad for it

and find out what's
going on with that cocoa.

Yeah, this miss
needs some Swiss.

He's gonna come, right?

I feel like we won't
survive the night.

And that's bad parenting.

I mean he said he
was gonna come.

Maybe-maybe I
should call him again.

Bob, it's fine. Get me the milk.

But wait, smell it first.

Let's say it's good enough.

Hey, hey, hey.
Uh, I want to, um,

call a friend from school

that's always been my friend.

So do you happen to have
the school directory handy?

I forgot some of the numbers.

I know there's a six,
just need a couple more.

School directory.
Where have I seen that?

Oh. I think it's under
the leg of our bed frame

'cause the legs are uneven.

Or our house is.
I'm not sure which.

Uh, we didn't think
you kids would need it

'cause you don't seem to
ever call anyone or do things.

Not in a bad way.
You-you have each other.

Um, I'm gonna go get it
from under your bed. Bye.

Oh, and, uh, the Cushion
Castle is still waiting on that cocoa.

Taste this.

Oh, I was wrong. Milk's bad.

Do you think they'll notice?

I think start over.
Just use water.

We shouldn't make our
kids drink old milk, right?

Okay, Dr. Fresh Milk.

I got it. And apparently
I can lift beds

when I'm really stressed
out. Anyway, I'm calling her.

Quick question. Who
would you guys call

if you needed a lot
of fish, but in a jiffy?

- Gene, no.
- It's ringing.

Uh, hey, is this Chelsea?

Hi, it's Tina. From school?

Why are you calling me?

Well, I was trying
to talk to you

after the history
test yesterday,

but you kind of ran off there.

Anyway, I just wanted to
talk about the, um, thing?

Oh, you mean when you cheated?

No, no, no, when you cheated.

Sorry. Sorry.

So, what? Are you calling
just to tell me you told on me?

No. No. No, no, no, no, no.
I definitely didn't tell on you.

And also, I wasn't cheating.
I-I got the right answer

before I looked
at Susmita's test.

So, I'm not a cheater.

- Okay, great. Neither am I.
- Yup, great.

So, uh, just, since
we're talking about it,

um, did you tell on me?

Oh, you know what? I might have.

I might've written
it on like a little note

and put it in that creepy
puppet's pocket or something.

Fanny pack! You put
it in his fanny pack.

Well, this has been fun. Bye.

She told on me.

Chelsea told on me!

I don't know if the castle can
handle this kind of meltdown.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hmm, kind of feels like

we're just sitting on
the floor now. Gross.

Ah! Chelsea told on me.

But I didn't do anything.
I didn't cheat off Susmita.

Oh, no. What's sweet, sweet
Susmita going to think of me?

I'll just switch schools.
Or Susmita should.

Or we both should?
How does this work?

I can't believe my life is being
ruined by a stupid puppet.

Oh wait, Mr. Frond's puppet.

You know what, I'm just gonna
text the heater guy real quick.

Maybe I'll just casually
send him our address.

- So he has it.
- You already told him where we were.

Well, now he'll
have it in writing.

"Here is our address
again." New phone.

Not good at texting
on it. And... send.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

It wrote "again" in
all caps somehow.

So, now it's like
I'm yelling at him.

Like, "Here is our
address AGAIN."

I told you not to text him.

I'm going to
apologize. "My bad."

- Wait, no. Oh, my God.
- What?

It autocorrected
"bad" to "butt,"

so I just texted him, "My butt."

Just stop, Bob.
Put down the phone.

Okay, I just wrote, "My bad.
Not my butt. Please still come."

Okay, good save.

I'm bringing the super special,

no-spoiled-milk cocoa

to our maybe
slightly spoiled kids.

Don't call anyone,
don't text anyone.

Uh, I'm calling Teddy.

Just stop calling people!

It's going to voice mail.

Teddy, it's Bob.
Um, I think I did bad.

I might need you
to call that guy

and tell him that I'm nice,

and that-that we
don't deserve to die.

Really good cocoa time.

Just a second, Mom.
We weren't expecting

a teen-nado to destroy
our precious palace.

But I think we've built
back better, stronger, cozier.

What happened? Where's
Tina? What's going on?

She's fine, she's fine.

Nothing you need to
concern yourself with.

Some might blame the
lateness of the cocoa,

but I think that's unfair.

I'm here. Hi. Thank
you, Mom. I'll take those.

And off you go.
Back to the kitchen.

Heh. Oh, not to be sexist.

I might go to a different room.

Nah, I'm going to the kitchen.

I'm gonna heat up some crackers.

Hey. So, we're glad you're back,

and we're hoping you're
not gonna go all standy-uppy.

The insurance company
paid for the repairs,

but we don't want to
go through that again.

We're still rebuilding
emotionally.

I have an idea. I just need
the school directory again.

There's someone
I have to talk to.

- Who are you calling?
- Mr. Frond.

I can get ahead of this.
I just have to tell him

that there's a note in Billy's
fanny pack that's not true.

Sounds like a desperate,
last ditch effort to save yourself.

Thank you. It's ringing.

No, Phillip. Don't
answer the phone.

Not until the glutes and
quads cooldown routine.

You owe it to them because
they are on fire right now.

No answer. Crap.
Crap, crap, crap.

Sorry, T. Guess you'll just
have to deal with Billy tomorrow.

No. I'm calling back.

Leave me alone.

I'm toning.

Dang it. Okay, okay.

You know what's
better than a phone call?

Me going to Mr. Frond's
house. He has to be home.

And I know where he lives.
And-and if he's not home,

I'll wait for him.
Or I'll find him.

I'll hunt him down. I'll
get his scent, track him,

and then I tell him,
"You gonna believe me

or you gonna
believe that puppet?"

And he's gonna look in my eyes,

and he's gonna believe
me. I love this plan.

How are you gonna get there?

With these two
bad girls. My feet.

They taste just like
regular crackers,

but they're hot.
And I love them.

They feel good
on your face, too.

Ooh. Mm, crackers. Mm, crackers.

Lin, what are we gonna
do if he doesn't come?

I don't think we can
stay here tonight.

We could all pile into the
kids' little blanket castle thing.

It'll be breathy, but
maybe kind of warmish?

I don't know, I think we
might have to go to a hotel.

Or probably a
motel, 'cause poor.

Wait, could we even get there?

I don't think our
car can drive in this.

Oh, my God, we
might be stuck here.

Bob, you're freaking me out!

Uh, give me... Give me
more crackers. More crackers.

I'm putting them on my
face. Put them on your face.

- Ow.
- What?

I don't want hot
crackers on my face.

- They're hot.
- You get used to it.

Is this our life now?

Should we just leave the
oven on and open it a little

- so we can use it as a heater?
- Bob, no!

I think, like, 20 million people
die like that every month.

What? Oh, my
God, that's so many.

That's awful. Wait,
it can't be that many.

Just stay away from the oven.

You know what? I'm
calling the heater guy again.

Fine, call him, but
try not be how you are.

I always try to do that.

Bob sounded
so upset in that message.

He just had to razz, and
now his family's freezing.

That's straight,
right? Looks straight.

What does it even matter?
People are dying out there.

You doing okay?

Yes. I'm fine, Mr. Yazdian.

Everything's fine!

Tina, it's really cold

and windy and snowy out there.

The truth will keep me warm.

I mean, it's like
really cold, Tina.

Justice will be my jacket.
And also this jacket.

Mm-hmm. And what
do we tell Mom and Dad

if they ask where you went?

Tell them I went
for a... stroll?

Winter storm stroll. Got it.

That sounds delightful.

Enjoy yourself
out there, sister.

Oh, my God. So cold.

The truth is not warm enough.

How long have I been out here?

Oh. Hi, restaurant.

Do you kids want hot crackers?

Your mother and I are
having hot crackers.

We don't know if the
heater guy is coming or not

and it's nobody's fault.

- It's my fault.
- It's your father's fault.

Had a really bad phone call.

A couple of them. Some
bad texts, too. Sorry.

Ooh, yes to crackers.
Also, more cocoa please.

- Me, too.
- Tina, you want one, too?

Yes.

Um, Gene.

No?

Uh, did you murder Tina?

W-Where's Tina?

That's her, isn't it?

That is not. That is a pillow.

- What?
- Kids, where's your sister?

She went for a stroll.

A totally normal
winter storm stroll.

- What?
- She's outside?

I can't see
her. I can't see her.

Oh, my God, Bob, she's
gonna freeze to death.

Like an Encino Man.

I'll go find her. Louise?

Got any tips which
direction I should go?

- Towards Mr. Frond's house?
- What?

I'm just using
that as a direction,

like some people say,
"Go towards the water."

You know, go towards
Mr. Frond's house.

Frond-ward.

Nice day for a walk, huh?

Ah! Accountability Billy?

Uh, it seems like you're
going around my back

to talk to Mr. Frond
about something,

so I'm just here
to say, uh, ouch.

And I can't let you do that.

What do you mean?
Are you threatening me?

All accountability
reports go through Billy.

That's Billy's
business. So, back off.

No. I'm gonna tell
Mr. Frond I'm not a cheater.

Oh. I don't know, Tina.
I mean, is that true?

Yes, it's true.

Okay. But, like,
uh, I have to ask...

What would you have
done if Susmita had

- a different answer than you?
- What?

When you looked at her
test, she had the same answer.

But what if she had
circled a different answer?

What would you have done?
Would you have changed yours?

No. I-I mean... I don't
want to talk about it.

Tina, you can tell me.

In fact, you should
tell me. It'll feel better.

And if you don't tell me,

it'll make Billy angry.

And you don't want
to make Billy angry.

Whoa. Okay, maybe
I would've cheated.

Okay, Billy? If she
had a different answer,

maybe I would've
changed mine to hers.

I studied so hard for that test

and I wanted to
get a good grade.

So, I guess maybe
I am a cheater.

Are you happy? Huh?

I mean, a little.

Ugh. God.

Uh, no, don't kick snow at me.

I'll kick snow at you.

Tina?

- Is that you?
- Teddy?

What are you doing out here?

Were you screaming
and kicking snow?

Uh, a little. Yeah.

Y-Your dad said he upset

the heater repair guy
and he's not gonna come.

I finished the
other job really well,

and I hopped in my truck,
but then it got stuck in the snow

a couple miles away,
so I decided to walk.

Get on my back.

I mean, I can probably walk.

Okay, good. Thanks.

The tools are kind of heavy.

I'm gonna go find Tina.

Never mind. Tina's here.

With Teddy.

Don't worry, you're all safe.

Teddy's here to save the day.

I'm gonna fix your heater.
But I'm also really cold.

And weak. And I
can't feel my body.

But then Chelsea told on me

that I was a cheater,
and maybe I am a cheater

'cause if Susmita had
had a different answer,

I might have changed
mine like a cheating cheater.

So this is why you've been

acting so weird all
day, moping around.

Destroying award-winning
pillow and blanket architecture.

I'm a terrible cheater person.

You're not a terrible
cheater person.

You didn't cheat,
so let's start there.

Maybe if Susmita
had a different answer,

you would've changed
yours, but maybe not.

So there's no point
in beating yourself up,

- 'cause you don't know.
- Yeah?

And next time
you're in this situation,

you probably won't
cheat then either

because you know how
bad you feel right now.

- Really bad.
- And hey, when I was your age,

I did a little looking,
I did a little peeking.

Except for when I was
sitting in the back of the class

with the dum-dums.

I knew they didn't
have the right answer.

- Lin.
- I'm saying,

I didn't feel good
when I did it either.

But here's the thing:

Even if you do something
you're not proud of,

that's okay, too.
That's survivable.

You don't have to
go out in snowstorms.

That's not always survivable.

20 million people a
week die in snowstorms.

- That's true.
- There-there would be no people.

- Dad. Shh.
- Sorry. I just...

So, yeah, don't forget to
cut yourself some slack.

You're a good kid.

Thanks, Mom, but I'm still gonna
get in a lot of trouble tomorrow

when Mr. Frond pulls a
note out of Billy's fanny pack.

- Wait, what?
- Who's Billy?

A disciplinary puppet.

What is wrong with your school?

Okay, so, yeah, you
might get in a lot of trouble.

- Oh.
- Should we go murder the puppet?

- Lin.
- I don't know, I'm cold.

Hello?

It's the heater guy.
Am I in the right place?

What? No, Larry. Go away.

- Teddy!
- Teddy?

I mean, uh, we'll
fix it together.

I'm coming down. I'll
show you where it is.

Hi, Larry. You have a
couple voice mails from me.

You can j... You
can just erase them.

Ah, you sang it. You sang it.

I broke you. It's in your head.

Ugh. Damn it!

Okay, uh,

Accountability Billy

has just one note for me today.

Neil Roberts, can you please
come to my office. Again.

Oh, thank God.

It is not cool to threaten
Rudy for telling on you last time.

Oh, and, uh, thank you

to the anonymous
tipster, who still isn't Rudy.

Heh, yeah. Yup. Wasn't me. Heh.

- So, you didn't write a note?
- I'm not a snitch.

I said I might
have written a note.

Well, that might have
given me diarrhea all morning.

Cool, but there was a note

that I wanted to write you.

Oh. Oh, that's a lot of
F-bombs. Um, thanks?