Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 12, Episode 16 - Interview with a Pop-pop-pire - full transcript

♪ ♪

♪ I'm a potato,
my friends are all mayo ♪

♪ I'm a potato, my friends
are all mayo. ♪

All right, I'm all warmed up.

When Pop Pop gets here,
he's gonna have

a front row couch seat
to a sneak preview

of my newest rock opera.

Or rock Pop-Pop-ra,
if you will.

Actually, Pop Pop will be
too busy looking at

all my newly acquired
vintage Burobu cards

from their "Fairy Tales" series.



Um, I think Pop Pop will be
pretty occupied with me

because I'll be interviewing him
for school,

which is the whole reason
he's coming over, so...

Ugh. Why would he want to do
boring school stuff

when he can hear about
the Burobu cards I have?

And, more importantly,
about the ones I don't have

but want and need
very, very badly.

He'll get the hint.

Sorry, but he'll be

too mesmerized by my show.

It's called
The Gene-uine Article.

I'll be debuting
my glam-eridoo.

It's like a didgeridoo,
but with more sizzle-sazzle.

Glam-er...



Look, I'm not against
vintage slug cards

or the musical arts,
but I'm really gonna need

all of Pop Pop's eyes and ears
on me.

Or the ears he can
still hear out of.

Tina's right. You two need
to give your sister a chance

to do her report thingy on, uh,
what's it about again, hon?

We have to interview
an older relative

and ask them these questions.

How many people have you killed?

What? That's not on there,
is it?

Aw, it's gonna be so sweet.

You and your Grandpa Belcher

chitchatting about
the good old days,

eating these nice
cheese and crackers,

writing stuff down.

Yeah, it's-it's gonna be great.

But, I mean, Tina, don't expect,
you know, too much from him

'cause my dad's not the most,
um, chitchatty.

If we get enough booze in him,
that bird will sing.

Well, I think I've got some
pretty good interviewing moves.

I open with an icebreaker like,

"Hey, is that a new haircut?
I love it."

Hopefully he has
a new haircut.

And then I casually ask,
"What moment from your past

most shaped you?"

What moment most shaped him?
Huh.

- I bet it's the tree thing.
- What tree thing?

Is Pop Pop a tree?
I had my suspicions.

No. A tree almost fell on him
when he was younger.

That's why he doesn't like
the woods, I think.

Also, I saw him yell
at a tree once.

Um, spoiler.
Just let him tell it.

- Hello?

- Oh, hi, Big Bob.
You on your way?
- Ah, not yet.

My walk-in's on the fritz,
and I got to pack

all this food up
and put it on ice.

And then I got to yell
at my walk-in,

so I'm gonna be late
for dinner.

Oh, okay. We'll see you
when you get here.

- We can eat later,
like they do in Europe. Olé!
- Right.

- Also, I'm gonna bring
a bunch of milk.
- He's bringing milk.

- Dad, we don't need milk.
- Too late, he hung up.

I'll just put the cheese tray
away till he gets here.

- Don't you dare.
- Wait, I want to hear more about

this tree-falling story.

And why have we never
heard it?

Is it super gruesome?
Was Grandpa's face mangled

beyond recognition?

Does he have a fake face?
Tell me.

Or maybe let's just
respect the integrity

of my interview
and not talk about it,

and we all quietly wait
for Grandpa to get here?

That's an idea.

No, Louise, the tree
almost fell on him.

I don't know much more
about it, though,

'cause my dad's not
what you'd call communicative.

Because he speaks
in the language of dance.

I wonder what happened.

Well, we'll find out
soon enough,

so no need to keep...

I bet it happened
way, way back

in the old country.

And you're still
talking about it.

It was probably before cars

or computers or juice boxes,

when he was a cool,
no-nonsense cop.

He was never a cop.

Well, this was
before you knew him, Dad.

Yeah, but I would have known...

Bob, shush. Sit down.

I want to hear about when
Big Bob was a cop.

I-- Okay.

Grandpa was about to break
a giant case

because it involved a giant.

Word on the street was,
this no-good giant was

grinding up villagers' bones,

baking them into bread,
and selling it

back to the villagers
he hadn't ground up yet.

And the worst part?
The bread made people sick

- with horrible, nonstop farts.

Wait, that's worse than
grinding up people's bones?

Never mind, I'm not
encouraging this.

Big Bob had been given
an anonymous tip

that the giant was
hiding out at the top

of an enormous beanstalk.

So Pop Pop was on his way up
to take him down.

Town. Downtown.

So it's Jack and the Beanstalk

but with cops for some reason.

Dad, shush.
- Mm.

Big Bob searched

through the cloud
vine land place.

- Aha.
- Uh-oh.

- I see you.
- No, you don't.

I do, because you're a giant.

Well, fee, fi, fo, fum,

you have a face,
and it is dumb, Big Bob.

This wasn't the first time
Gramps had busted the giant.

- He had nabbed him
for shoplifting, literally.

- 'Cause he lifted a shop.
- Aw, come on.

I got a bone to pick
with you, Giant.

Or, rather, many bones
that you crushed

and baked into bread
that made people sick

with wild super-mega-farts.

Why?!

Okay, sure, maybe I used to
grind a few villagers' bones

to make bread,
but I gave that all up.

It was too messy
and, frankly, really hard to get

those bones out of
all those little villagers.

We'll see.
Some of your bread is

being tested for villager bones

at the crime lab
right now, so...

- Ooh.

It's the lab
conveniently calling me

right at this moment.
Hold on.

Wait, how could he have
a cell phone

if it's before juice boxes?

Fine, it was a landline

- with a really long cord.
Got it.

Wait a minute, it's not
villager bones in the bread?

It's beans?

See? I'm innocent.

- Told you you're dumb.
- Okay. Sorry, sorry.

That's what the story
everyone knows got wrong.

It wasn't the giant
who was the bad guy.

It was the beanstalk.

I was gonna say Mr. Bean.
So close.

I mean, the giant did
grind up some villagers' bones

at some point,
so kind of a bad guy.

Also, beanstalks aren't trees,

if that's where you're going
with all this.

They're, uh, beanstalks.

No, they're trees,
and this beanstalk was

the worst tree of all.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Hmm, it's as though
someone wanted it to seem like

you were behind all this
to take the heat off

of whoever's really pulling
the strings.

So, if it's beans,
where are they coming from?

Some kind of bean factory?
L.L. Bean?

- What the...? Whoa, whoa.
- Huh? Aah!

Suddenly, huge tendrils swoop up
and grab Pop Pop and the giant,

and they find themselves trapped
in a crazy cage

made of bean vines.

The beanstalk even grew
a lock on itself,

so they were totally
bean-carcerated.

Beanstalk!

Wait, why are you so mad?

This is so much more
uncomfortable for me!

So a beanstalk held
my cop-dad prisoner?

- And a giant.
- Again, I'd be totally fine

holding off on
any story predictions

until Grandpa actually
gets here.

Tina, do you want to know
Grandpa's tree story or not?

Not. I mean, not this one.

Well, I'm sorry,
but that's the wrong answer.

Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah.

Pop Pop and the giant were
being held prisoner

in a huge vine cage,

guarded by the beanstalk's
henchmen.

We're really doing
a good job guarding.

- Agreed.
- Hey.

Why does your boss like

making people fart
so much anyway?

None of your business,
but farts are up to

30% carbon dioxide.

And plants love carbon dioxide,
so you do the math.

But also, none of your business.

So what happens now?

Mr. Stalk's probably gonna
turn you into fertilizer.

- Ha!
- When he doesn't like you,

he makes you into fertilizer.

But when he does like you,
you get weekly presents.

Mostly beans, but still.

Giant, do you have anything
that could

help us get out of here?

O-Okay, I have this one thing
that looks like a toothpick

made out of a villager's bone,
but it totally isn't.

Ah, just pick the lock.

We hear you whispering.

Don't even think about
trying to sneak out of here.

There's no way to esca--
Oh, they got out.

Now it was time
for a super cool fight scene

with flips and kicks
and kick-flips!

Until Pop Pop and the giant
threw the henchmen

off the beanstalk.

- Falling...!

- Oof.

- Ow!
- Okay.

Time to figure out
how to arrest a beanstalk.

Good luck with that.

Grandpa and the giant

are suddenly shoved
off the beanstalk

by the beanstalk!

- Oof!
- See?

- Doesn't feel so good, does it?

I fell right on my toothpick

that's definitely not
a villager's bone.

Damn you, beanstalk.
How do we defeat you?

As luck would have it,
just then,

a Weedwacker salesperson
came by.

Hello there.

Do you have pesky weeds
that you just can't get rid of?

Look no further.
I have the perfect solution,

the weed-demon!

Allow me to demonstrate.

The salesperson
weed-wacks the evil beanstalk.

Ha. Yeah, like you could
actually cut through.

- Oh, you're doing it.
- Ah, boo.

And it falls,
nearly crushing Pop Pop.

Oh, uh, great.

You are... under arrest.

So how many
can I put you down for?

Um, you know,
I-I need to think about it.

I'll take one.
Do you accept bones?

I mean, toothpicks?

Then the whole village cheered.

The beanstalk and the henchmen
went to jail,

and the giant
became Grandpa's partner.

For a little while.
And then, at some point,

Grandpa opened a restaurant.
The end.

Wow. Who would've thought
beanstalks were such mean trees?

- The bastards.
- Louise, that was a...

great guess of what
Grandpa's tree story could be.

But I feel like that's
probably not what happened.

- It is.
- Hmm.
- Well, I feel like I have

a pretty great and
probably way more accurate idea

of what
Grand-papa's tree story is.

Ooh, it already sounds accurate!

Or we can just talk
about something else?

Like birds. Am I right?

- It was a sunny day
in the forest.

Grandpa was looking
for a good spot

- to pitch a tent.
Gene.

What?
- N-Nothing.

But then he heard
a mysterious message

- on a radio.

We can't fight them

if they remain undetected.

This is their mission:
to keep us from camping.

Huh. Not sure
what that's all about.

Pop Pop was confused

but continued on his merry way

to find
the perfect camping spot.

- Found it!
- Grandpa set up his tent,

got out some ice cream and soda
from his cooler,

and made himself one heck
of an ice cream float.

Which is something I assume
you do when you're camping.

And then he also took out
his glam-eridoo.

He was just about
to start playing when...

Wait, they had glam-eridoos
back then?

Didn't you just invent that?

- I buy it.
- Thank you, Mother.

So, there's Pop Pop.

He was just about
to start playing

when a dramatic thing happened!

- Aah!
- A huge pine cone
fell right next to him.

Grandpa was very startled,
and he dropped

his camping float,
which was devastating

since it had the perfect
ice cream-to-soda ratio.

That camping float had

the perfect
ice cream-to-soda ratio.

Big Bob went over to pick up
his cup and discovered...

a pair of glittery binoculars.

- Huh?
- And when he looked through
them, everything was

- in black and white.
-

These are some strange
glittery binoculars.

But what are you gonna do?

Grandpa looked around
at all the black-and-white trees

and grass and stuff,

but one tree
wasn't a tree at all.

It was an alien monster!

- What the...?
- So, there's aliens?

- Uh, yeah, there's aliens.
- Yeah, Dad,

don't you ever look up
at the sky and wonder?

Of course there's aliens, Bob.
Come on!

It's just, I... can't believe
my dad never mentioned them.

Anyway,

Grandpa can only see the alien

when he's looking through
the sparkly binoculars.

I got one that can see.

Yes, I'm sure.
I'm looking right at him.

And he's looking at me
like, "I can see you."

Then the alien disappears!

Can you even imagine?

Oh, my goodness.

I don't like this one bit.

Notone bit.

- Quick!

Follow me.
We don't have much time.

- Uh, hold on.
Big Bob looks
at the camper

through the binoculars to make
sure she's not an alien, too.

- Okay, you pretty much seem
like a human.
- Thank you.

I designed these glittery
alien-seeing binoculars.

I'm a really smart,
nature-loving scientist.

I'm part of a small group
of campers

who picked up
their alien signals.

We've been studying them, trying
to learn their weaknesses.

Oh! Did you make
that weird recording I heard

when I first walked
into the forest?

Yeah. Was it too cryptic?

Like in a not helpful way?

- Mm, kind of.
- Crap. Sorry.

Aah! They're onto us!

Grandpa and his new
camper buddy turned around

and saw a bunch
of secret tree aliens

coming towards them.

We should probably run
in the opposite direction

- so we don't die.
- I'd love to not die.

They ran for their lives,

- with the tree aliens
close behind them.

What is this, World War Tree?

Okay, so Grandpa's being chased
by alien trees,

and I'm 95% sure this is
what happened in his tree story.

And now a little cheese break.

- Uh, Gene,

your story sounds a lot
like the movie They Live.

Have you seen that recently?

You mean, when you were watching
it and you told me

to go to bed but I might have
come out of my room

and watched the rest of it
from the hallway?

Someone's a Rowdy Roddy Peeper.

Getting back to the story,

the aliens were gaining on
Grandpa and the scientist.

Luckily, the aliens
were also major klutzes,

falling all over the place,
'cause it's hard to run

- when you're a tree.
- The ranger station!

- Go, go, go!
- Uh, hi! Please stay
on the designated trails.

Let us in,
let us in, let us in!
- Aah!

The scientist and Big Bob
threw themselves

into the ranger station
and bolted the door.

What the heck is going on?

Look, Ranger Person,
we're in trouble.

The whole world's in trouble.

They're all around us
and we never knew!

Oh, you mean those trees
that were chasing you?

Look at them through these.

Holy moly, ravioli.

My thoughts exactly.
But I was more like,

"Holy moly, hot stromboli."

What are those things?
What do they want?

To keep us from camping
so they can suck up

all the resources of the forest
for their own planet

without human intervention.

- That's so annoying.
- Well, how do we stop them?

They're controlling what we see
using some kind of signal.

We have to find the source

that's transmitting their signal
and destroy it.

Do you know where
their signal is coming from?

We haven't
fully figured it out yet,

but we're getting close.

Yeah. Too close.

What? You're working for them?

Also, that's just a stick.

- No, it's a gun.
- Pretty sure it's a stick.

Don't interfere. You can't win.

But why are you siding
with them?

They want to destroy the planet.

Because they promised me
a sweet ranger gig

in their space forest
that I couldn't pass up.

Amazing benefits,
and I like the hat.

It's a better hat than this hat.

Now hands up. Come on!

Sorry, i-it's hard to be
intimidated by your stick.

If you used the binoculars,
you'd see it was a gun.

But keep your hands up. You're
just gonna have to trust me.

Even though I lied to you
earlier. Uh, anyway, move it.

The park ranger
handed over Pop Pop

and the scientist to the aliens.

So here's these two
troublemaking rascals.

Your secret is still safe.
And since we're talking,

um, about the new job,

I'd already booked a trip to
Montreal before I knew about it,

- so if I could just take
a couple weeks off early...
- Yes, of course.

They've got
these great bagels...
- Psst. Kick my backpack over

to me. I've got an idea.

Okay.

Grandpa used his teeth
to take out

his glam-eridoo!

- And he started to wail!
- ♪ Glam-eridoo ♪

- Huh?
- He played his glam-eridoo
with all his glammery heart

and glammery soul!

At first,
the aliens were confused.

Not quite sure why you thought
that would help.

Oh. Wait. They're dancing.

Or I think that's dancing?

The aliens went nuts for it,

because it was incredible!

Even the ranger couldn't help
but move her feet

to the amazing beat.

I can't help but move my feet
to the amazing beat!

Oh, my God. The antennae
on the ranger station

is the transmitter!

And the frequency
of your glam-eridoo

is causing it to malfunction!

Keep playing! Keep playing!

♪He played that glam-eridoo ♪

- ♪ Glam-eridoo ♪
- ♪ He made the aliens
hoochie-coo ♪

- ♪ Hoochie-coo ♪
- ♪ And that evil alien signal
went... ♪

♪ Kabloom! ♪

Uh-oh.

Well,
now we just look like aliens.

Let's regroup and go to a planet

that doesn't have
glam-eridoo technology.

Wait, um, guys,
can you still send me

- the hat? Oh, you're gone.
Yes!

We're free to camp again!

Yep. I'm gonna go set up my tent
and have an ice cream float.

- Okay. Nice meeting you.
- You, too. Bye-bye.

And that's exactly what happened
to our dear grand-papa

when the tree
almost fell on him.

Actually, it was many trees.

And they were aliens.
Clumsy aliens.

Aw, Big Bob saved camping.

- Like Ernest.
- Yep.

I mean, he hates camping.
In real life.

But I don't know why
I'm bringing that up.

- Gre-Great story.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, great story.

Hey, what if we all put tape
over our mouths

until Grandpa gets here?
That could be fun.

Right, right. Sorry, honey.

Let's all respect Tina's wishes

and just wait for Grandpa
to get here

and tell the real story.

Yes. Thank you.

- But...
- Oh, no.

Maybe what happened was that
the tree that almost hit Big Bob

knew him personally.

Yep, yep. Great.

And the tree got annoyed
with him,

and that's why it wanted
to crush him.

I mean,
I could actually maybe see that.

Well, not really. A little.

Yeah! Maybe Big Bob would go

to this particular tree
every day

and he'd ask for stuff
like apples

and branches for firewood

and leaves to make himself
weird, funky leaf belts.

At first, the tree was like...

Hey, we're friends.
I love helping you out.

How you like them apples?

But then the tree started to get
really, really annoyed by this.

You know, I'm starting to get
really, really annoyed by this.

What do I ever get? Giving Tree?

More like
Give Me a Break Tree.

So this time
when Big Bob came by,

the tree had something else
planned.

Hey, uh, I'm gonna take
this knife and carve

my Wi-Fi password into you so
I don't forget it. Hold still.

Oh, hey, pal.
I got a question for you.

If a tree falls on your head,
do you hear it?

Huh? I don't know.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Let's find out...!

Hi.

- Grandpa!
- Grandpa!
- Grand-papa!

Sorry. Y-You guys seem startled
to see me.

You told me to come, right?

It's just--
Did you let yourself in?

Yeah. The door was unlocked.

I thought
you left it open for me.

I guess one of us left it open
for... anyone.

And we got you!

Oh, uh, here's four gallons
of milk from my walk-in.

-It expires tomorrow.
-Milk party!

So I guess... let's eat?

- Yes! Finally.
- Yay!

- No! No eating! Not yet!
- Whoa.

Sorry, sorry. Just-- I really
need to interview Grandpa.

- Uh, yeah, sure.

- Let's do it.
- All right.

Uh, I'll go...

keep dinner kinda...

warm-ish.

Okay, first question.

Uh, this one's got
a lot of buzz around it.

What was the moment in your life
that most shaped you?

Oh, uh... Hmm.

I guess that'd be
when I went camping

- and a tree almost fell on me.
- Oh, wow.

A tree almost fell on you?

I had no idea.

So, tell me about that.

I mean, yeah,
that's, uh, pretty much it.

There you go. Yep.

- What? What's that supposed
to mean?
- Hmm?

Oh, nothing. I kind of expected
you to tell that story

and for it to be
exactly that long.

What? A tree almost fell on me.

It didn't.
What more am I supposed to say?

- Nothing. Forget it.
- No, no.
What are you getting at?

Um, I'm kinda the one asking
the questions here, but okay.

I'm just saying
you don't always communicate.

Much of anything.

Oh, Sorry I'm not
a Mr. Talks-A-Lot.

No, it's fine. We get it.

You don't like talking.
To people. At all.

Wow. I'm so glad I came
over here to get yelled at.

Well, you got your story out
in under two sentences

- like you always do. So
you shouldn't hit any traffic...
- I left a walk-in in disrepair.

- Too late now,
but I guess this interview

could've just been
a phone call?

Yeah.
- Yep.

Well, uh,
maybe I'll just be going then.

- Fine. Sure.
- Okay, the pasta's
keeping warm in there,

which is kinda the opposite
of what's going on in here

with the, uh,
ice-cold staring going on,

- Bob.

Dad, hush. Grandpa, sit.

This is my interview.
I'm being graded on it.

You came all this way.
Now, please, can we continue?

- Ah. Sorry.
- Sorry, Tina.

I'm gonna move slowly
towards the cheese. Cover me.

- No.
- That's fair.

Now, Pop Pop, the tree
incident-- tell me more.

I'm interested in: when
it happened, where it happened,

why it happened,
who it happened to--

no, I know that part--
and how did it shape you?

Uh, I was... in my 20s.

We were camping in a park--

I forget the name--
near some trees,

- obviously.
- Uh-huh.

It was night. It was raining.

We were in the tent. And then
your grandmother went to go

to the bathroom
'cause the sound of the rain

on the tent
made her need to go pee.

Just hearing you say that
makes me need to pee.

Take a quick break?
Tina's face says no.

Wait, Mom was there? You-you
never mentioned that before.

I didn't? Oh.

Well, yeah. She was there.

It was before we were married.

Aw, camping in sin. So romantic.

Okay, so our grandma was there.
But she went to the bathroom.

- Then what happened?
- I guess the winds
were picking up

and I heard a crack and, all
of a sudden, the tent collapsed

- and I didn't know
what was going on.
- Wow, scary.

And it turned out,
a big tree fell on the tent.

It just missed me,
and thank God your grandmother

was in the bathroom, or else
she would've been crushed.

- That bathroom's a hero.
- What can't bathrooms do?

And the way we treat them...

Wow. So tell me why you think
this moment shaped who you are.

Well, I'm not dead,
so that's one thing.

Uh-huh. How else?

I mean, he would've been shaped
like a pancake,

but instead
he's shaped like that.

- Thank you, Gene.
- I guess it made me

think about your grandmother
and, kinda, life

- in a different way.
- Uh-huh.

I remember seeing her face
after I crawled out of the tent.

Or what was left of the tent.

And I, uh, thought
about how much she meant to me.

And, uh, I think
it was kind of in that moment

that I realized I wanted
to ask her to marry me.

And, six years later,
I popped the question.

Aw! What did she say?

Uh, yes. She said yes.

- Nice.
I,

uh, never knew any of that.

That's such a beautiful story,
Big Bob.

I mean,
my story had a giant in it.

Just sayin'.

You're a good interviewer.

I feel like a blabbermouth.

Yeah, Tina. R-Really good.

Thank you. Thank you.

Can't read my notes very well,

but I'm sure I'll...
figure it out.

Did you say you died
or didn't die?

Aw! I'm so proud of my Tina.

Asking Qs and kicking "A."

Okay, let's eat
some mostly warm pasta.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Just a few more questions first.
Then we can...

- No!
- No!
- Over dinner, over dinner.

So, I, uh...

I can't believe I never knew
the whole tree story.

About, you know, Mom and stuff.

I guess I could be
a little better

at, uh, sharing those things.

Also, uh, maybe I didn't want
to bring Mom up

and make you think about her
and... make you sad.

It wouldn't have.
I mean, maybe a little.

But in a good way. 'Cause
we'd be talking about her.

And I could be a little better
at asking you things.

Is there anything else
I should ask about?

Did I ever tell you
about my other family?

- What?
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I think you know
all the good stuff.

And you know about the walk-in,

so that, uh,
brings you up to speed.

Hey, Pop Pop! Not to be rude,

but there's a pretty impressive
Burobu card display out here,

just waiting for your eyes!

Oh, and there's a five-dollar
admission. Just FYI.

And my rock Pop-Pop-ra
isn't gonna watch itself!

Also, the running time
is about an hour, so strap in!

It might actually be
a little longer.

I call the good seat!

If you're sitting on it,
I'm sitting on you!

Ow! Mom!

And a-one and a-two and a...

- ♪ He played that glam-eridoo ♪
- ♪ Glam-eridoo ♪

♪ He made the aliens
hoochie-coo ♪

♪ And that evil alien signal
went kabloom ♪

- ♪ He made that glam-eridoo ♪
- ♪ He made that glam-eridoo ♪

♪ He made the aliens
hoochie-coo ♪

♪ Made them hoochie-coo,
hoochie-coo ♪

- ♪ Kabloom ♪
- ♪ Kabloom ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ He made that glam-eridoo ♪
- ♪ He made that glam-eridoo ♪

♪ He made the aliens... ♪

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