Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 11, Episode 17 - Fingers-Loose - full transcript

♪ ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Hey, bud, careful.
The janitor just waxed.

Remember, if the floor is shiny,
you can fall on your heinie.

- Thanks, Tina.
- TINA: Yeah, that's me,

Tina Belcher,
ordinary eighth grader.

That's probably what makes me
good at my job.

I walk the beat as
a hall monitor here at Wagstaff,

but I was about to discover

that sometimes
you walk the beat,

and sometimes
the beat walks you.



No. No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no. No.

TINA: I bet you're wondering
who she is,

and how a girl like me got
mixed up with a dame like that.

Her name is Holly Monitors,

and she was supposed
to be my little secret.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let me tell you
how this all began.

It was just like any other day.

Like I said, I'm a hall monitor,

but it's not the halls
that need monitoring,

it's the people in them.

Someone's always chewing gum.

Oh, man, there's still
some flavor in there. Come on.

TINA: I may seem like
a party pooper, but it's better



if I'm pooping at their party
than a teacher.

Teachers give out detention,
I give out attention.

A new piece,
for the end of the day.

- Ooh, cinnamon. Fancy.
- Now scram.

And sometimes it's hard to be
on the good side of the law

with the two scamps
in my family.

They were always
up to something.

But I lived with them,

so I had to live with myself.

Still, something was
different that week.

I had a feeling I hadn't felt
since the fidget spinner craze.

Or that other craze
where everyone was eating

those spicy dusty chips
and throwing up.

Hey, hey, no running.

Stop running, slow down.

-Huh.
-Whatever it was,
I was sure it would go

as quickly as it came.

Besides, I had other things
to focus on.

Big things.

Like the big banner
the hall monitors

were working on
for the open house.

Sure, being a hall monitor
is not as exciting

as the drama club or dance club

- or jazz choir...
- ♪ Do-bee, do-bee, do-wah. ♪

...but it's my life.
This open house would be

the hall monitors'
biggest day yet,

working security as parents
and the superintendent

came to experience a...

Full day of Wag.

Not some phony
two-hour evening event.

I'm talking about a full day,

living and breathing
the real deal.

You will be helping to welcome
all of the parents

and the superintendent
to the upcoming

"Walk on into Wagstaff"
open house.

From the opening assembly...

TINA:
He needed it to go perfectly,

because if it did,
the superintendent

would pay for Frond to go to...

Counsel Your Butt Off,
a weekend seminar in Sarasota

for life changers
and emotion rearrangers.

So, this week,
I'm counting on you

to stop the hooligans
before they hool again.

Now get out there and monitor.

Tina, can I, uh,
talk to you for a moment?

- Sure, what's up?
- Uh, not here. My office.

There's a favor
I need to ask you, Tina.

You're my most
experienced hall monitor.

You're good at what you do.
You have a light touch.

- The kids seem to like you.
- Thank you.

- I mean, in their way.
- Oh.

The thing is, I have a feeling

that there's something going on.

Kids are distracted, whispery.
Test scores are down.

Art supplies are missing.
Kids are hanging out

in new groups: the populars
mixing with the regulars.

Whatever it is,
I need it to stop.

I need to add it
to the no-no list.

The open house is in three days.

I need the superintendent
to think this place runs

like a well-oiled baby.

I'm not sure if I'm using
that phrase correctly.

- Sounds good to me, boss.
- But how can I stop

whatever's going on
if I don't know what it is?

That's where you come in.

TINA:
I told him I could find out
what was happening.

Of course I could.
But I was about to discover

no matter which way you turn,

fate can stick out a foot
and trip you.

- (shouts)
- Or sometimes your own shoelace

-can stick out a foot
and trip you.
-I'm okay.

When you're working a case,
you have to be subtle.

(high-pitched):
So, Gene and Louise,

anything new going on
at school? Distracting you?

Nope. Just learning a lot,
as usual.

Ooh. What'd you learn?

Science. Also, math.

And that thing with the letters.

- Uh, spelling?
- No, thank you.

TINA:
Either they really didn't know
or they didn't want me to know.

Either way, it was a dead end.

I was gonna have to put in
some shoe leather.

Fruit Roll-Up, huh? Nice.

Nothing out of the ordinary.
Ooh, my old barrette.

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it!

I took a little break
for a sloppy joe,

and stumbled sideways
into a mess of my own.

A popular and a regular?

Where are you two going?

(sultry jazz music playing)

(kids murmuring)

- (crowd whooping)
- (gasps) Gene. What the hand?

TINA: From the moment I saw her,
I knew I was in trouble.

Sure, I knew she was technically
my brother's hand,

but when she walked down those
stairs, everything changed.

She had a certain something.

You might call it style,
you might call it chutzpah,

you might call it fingers,

but whatever you called it,
sister, it was calling me.

GENE: Mm. Mm. Ah. Ah. Ah.

-(cheering, applause)
-Give it up
for Mavis Middlefinger!

- Encore.
- Okay, okay, okay,
you want more?

You know what to do.

Nickels, candy, gum
that bubbles?

Whatever you're thinking,
make it double.

All right, all right, we'll see
Mavis again, but first,

coming to the stage,
Regular Sized Randolph.

- (cheering, applause)
- (Rudy grunting)

♪ ♪

- Hey, Louise.
- Oh. Hey, Tina.

What, uh, what are you,
uh, doing here?

Just checking out the scene.

Oh, uh, no offense,
but we kind of have

a "no hall monitor" rule
around here.

Oh, uh, o-okay, uh, I'm not
a hall monitor right now.

Just Tina. Belcher.
Your sister. And friend.

(chuckles) Okay, are you sure?

Because you are making
a weird lying face.

Oh, no. I-I just did
a gross burp

and I'm trying
to hold in the smell.

Oh. Okay, well, you can stay

as long as you keep
your lips zipped, potato chip.

Looks like I'm on.

-Regular Sized Randolph,
everyone.
-(cheering, applause)

If you like Randy,
give him some candy.

Wow. Bunch of loose Nerds
and a quarter?

Oh, wait, no, it's a corn chip.

Bring back Mavis!

- Mavis.
- Yeah, Mavis.

Okay, okay, cool down.

We've still got nine minutes
of lunch period left.

But for now, how about
a hand for these hands?

It's Tom Shoes and his gorgeous
ex-wife Skatie Holmes.

- (cheering, applause)
- Everybody, look at my hands.

♪ ♪

TINA:
I guess you could say it.
I was wrapped

around those fingers.

Hey, guys. Hey, Gene.

Great finger dancing today.

(shushes) Tina, keep it down.

Oh, sorry. Uh...

(whispers):
Great finger dancing today.

We call it handy prancing,
but thanks.

- So it's a secret?
- Of course it is, T.

Because it's amazing,
and "distracting."

Yeah, the first time I did it
was at lunch

when you were
at a hall monitor meeting.

I'd seen it on the Internet.

And like everything
I've seen on the Internet,

I tried it right away.

LOUISE:
He painted on a pair
of mustard shorts

and slipped on
some tater tot shoes.

Ms. Labonz yelled at him
to cut it out,

but, oh, it took off from there.

♪ ♪

Soon, the scene got so big
we had to take it underground

so we wouldn't wind up
on Frond's no-no list.

Gene's the best at it,
and it's making me...

I mean, us...
Three, four dollars a day easy,

- plus candy and gum.
- Cool.

- Mind if I come back tomorrow?
- Sure. I mean,

you're not gonna go rat us out
to Frond, are you?

What? No way.
I'll keep it Frond-fidential.

Confidential. Ha, ha.

Great. Um, see you then.

And also for the rest
of the walk home now,

and later tonight
and tomorrow morning.

Ah, you doing one of those
gross burps again?

Yep, yep, yep.

Sure, I wasn't telling them
the whole truth,

but I wasn't gonna tell Frond
the whole truth, either.

Maybe there was another way out.

It was a complicated sandwich,

and I was the salami
in the middle.

Ooh! Tina. Easy with the broom.

Oh, sorry,
I was just thinking, I guess.

Inside, I was a deck of 52 cards
scattered on the floor,

but from the outside I had
to look like a straight flush.

(chuckles): Tina,
you're sweeping me off my feet.

- Literally.
- Ugh. Dumb broom.

(panting):
Guys, I've got a huge problem.

Okay. Is this like when you
couldn't get your underwear off?

Because I'm not
helping you again.

You-you need to buy
bigger underwear.

No, this is worse.
You know Kathleen?

- Yeah.
- Well, she invited me to
the movies in a couple of days.

Aw, that's great, Teddy.

Yeah, but here's the problem:
she could only

get tickets at 5:30,
which is dinnertime.

So I told her I could pick up
a couple of burgers

from you guys, but the last time
I tried to sneak

a burger into the movies,
it didn't go so well.

Sir, you aren't allowed to bring
outside food into the theater.

(shouting) Sorry! Sorry!

(shouts, crying)

- Oh, no.
- Wait, is that why you have

a cardboard cutout
of Vin Diesel in your house?

No, that was a gift.

Ugh, I don't know what to do
about this food.

I told Kathleen
I would bring burgers.

This could make or break us.

Well, well, maybe we can
help you sneak them in.

I can make you
a little sneaky snacky.

Oh, thank you, Linda. Thank you.

You can't just waltz in there
with a bag in your hand.

That's lesson one. You got to be
like The James Bourne Identity.

You got to hide it.
Give me a day, Teddy.

- I'll come up with something.
- Oh, thank God.

I was really panicking there.
(chuckles, sighs)

Better have a burger and fries
and another burger to calm down.

-Yep.
-TINA: Life just kept
moving around me,

and I kept moving around life.

Like walking and stuff,
but also sitting sometimes, too.

So I guess moving
and also not moving.

Depending on what I was doing.

Meanwhile, I couldn't stop
thinking about her.

She was so free, so wild.

I wondered what it felt like to
walk a mile in her tiny shoes.

It'd probably take a while,
because her feet are so small,

but boy, oh, boy, I had
a feeling it would be worth it.

- Ow. Tina.
- Sorry.

So, have you found out
what's up?

On a scale of friendship
bracelets to teen pregnancy,

- how bad is it?
- No info yet.

But, you know,
I've got some hunches

and I'm eating some lunches.

Okay.

TINA:
I thought I had it
under control.

But it turned out, what
I couldn't control was myself.

♪ All of my life,
I've held it all in ♪

♪ Wondering what
I could've been ♪

♪ If all of those things
I'm trying to hide ♪

♪ Jumped out of my skin,
to the outside? ♪

♪ Just give me a hand,
I'm tired of hiding ♪

♪ Give me a hand,
look at me striding ♪

♪ I'm free as the breeze-y,
a little bit sleazy ♪

♪ My God, it's not easy,
feeling so free-y. ♪

- LOUISE: Tina.
- (shouts) Nothing.

- You were handy prancing.
- W-Was I?

You, uh, want to get up
on stage tomorrow?

Oh, no, I don't think so.
This was just a-an accident.

Sure. Your hand just
accidentally fell

into some of your old
Equestranaut clothes.

(chuckles): Yeah. You'd be, uh,

surprised how often
that happens.

(chuckles): Okay, well,
Mom says come to dinner.

Great, let's all get out
of my room quickly, then.

GENE:
We'd better hurry.
Looks like she's going

for my spaghetti...
Mom, trip her!

TINA: What did it mean?

I was supposed to be busting
those freewheeling fingers.

But I wanted to be one?

I was all mixed up
like some kind of...

mixed-up thing.

Okay, you must be wondering
about these.

They're my old armpit hairnets

from when I had
to wear armpit hairnets

in the restaurant.

I thought we bronzed those.

They're for Teddy...
For his movie burgers.

Linda, isn't that kind of gross?

I mean, would you want
to eat a burger

that's been
in somebody's armpit?

Armpits are the cleanest part
of the body.

(chuckling): No, I-I, I really
don't think that's true.

Uh, besides, won't the burgers

get all soggy and mushy
in there?

I've eaten plenty of food
that's been in Mom's armpit.

That's how she warms stuff up
on the go.

Bagels, baked potatoes,
empanadas, soup.

Yeah, I made s'mores
in there one time.

And what's your great idea,
Mr. Smarty-sneaks?

Um, anything would be better
than food from your armpit.

What about crotch, butt crack?

Folded under one's boobs?

Ooh, good idea.

Tina, you're quiet.

Uh, everything okay?

Oh, sorry, um... delicious.

- What?
- Dinner's delicious?

Is that
what we're talking about?

Thank you, Tina.

I'm not telling you
how I heated it up

because apparently someone's

- worried about that.
- Mmm.

TINA: I had it bad.

And that wasn't good.

Unless... it was?

(Tina humming)

Are you sure
she's working for Frond?

I mean, something's going on.

That was her lying face,
not her burping face.

But one thing's for sure,
she's in over her head.

And if we keep her in,
she won't rat us out.

TINA: Could I hear them? Yes.

They were very loud whisperers.

So they were on to me,

and I was on to them
being on to me.

And luckily,
Frond didn't suspect a thing.

- I suspect something.
- (shouts)

I suspect you're not very good
at your job,

because you haven't found squat.

Back off, Frond!
I'm working on it!

Go counsel something.

Was I lying to him
or lying to myself?

Was I in too deep
or not deep enough?

Was I ready to change
or had I already changed?

Who was I becoming
and was it becoming on me?

Was I asking too many questions
or not enough?

Or just the right amount?
All I wanted to do was the thing

I was supposed to stop.
It was like my hand

had a mind of its own.

And now,
for the first time ever,

give it up for... for...

Uh, what-what was your name?

Holly Monitors.
Because I'm a hall monitor.

No, no, I get it, I get it.

Give it up for Holly Monitors!

- (cheering, applause)
- (shouts) I'm okay!

TINA: It was a rush.
The crowd was electric.

The feeling... it was...

I had never felt
anything like it before.

Absolute freedom.

Holly knew what she wanted
and she went for it.

So whose side was I on?

Well, I was more turned around

than that time Aunt Gayle
got caught in her curtains.

But as long as I could
keep struttin',

that's all that mattered to me.

So, I did what Holly wanted.

And Holls, she wanted it alls.

I was living two lives.

Busting kids in my vest.

And busting moves in my dress.

But it was getting
harder and harder

to keep it up.

♪ ♪

I was usually the one
on the sidelines,

watching the show.

(Gene and Louise vocalizing)

- (Bob laughs)
- So good.

TINA: But this time,
I was in the show.

And, honey,
the show was in business.

You know, show business?

But nothing this complicated
can go on for long

without someone getting hurt.

Hi, kids. How was school?

Great.
Everything is totally fine.

And I'm not hiding anything
from anyone.

Okay...

TINA:
I didn't want to worry Mom.
She was a good girl.

She didn't need to get
mixed up in all this.

- Psst. Tina?
- Yeah? What?

You were great today.

Yeah, your hand
only fell over twice.

- And you only fell over
three times.
- Thanks.

So, Teddy, do you want
to use my pit holders

to get the burgers
into the movies or what?

- It's perfect, right?
- Um...

- (groans)
- Don't worry, Teddy.

You don't need to answer that.

I figured out a better way

for you to get the burgers in.

- You did?
- Yep. All you need is

eight plastic bags and a vest.

You see? Each part of the burger
is contained in its own bag.

Wow. That is elaborate, Bob.
(chuckles)

Okay, and so you just
take each part out

and build the burger fresh.

No soggy buns.
Now I just sit down,

wait for the movie to begin,

and make myself
the perfect burger to eat.

Oh, shoot. Hang on.

- Bob, your tomato fell out.
- I can see that, Teddy.

Still seems like a perfect plan
though, Bobby. (chuckles)

It'll work. Okay,
now I just take out each bag

in order,
starting with the bottom bun...

- That's lettuce.
- Thank you, Teddy.

Uh, hang on.
Let me just fix this.

You know what, maybe
we'll just get popcorn, right?

We'll get an extra large
and we'll just split it.

What? No!
Take my pit holders, Teddy.

No, no, take mine.
I-I fixed it, look.

- Oh, crap.
- I'm just gonna put
the holders on you.

- So you have 'em if you want.
- No, that's okay.

Lin, I don't want
the pit... things.

- He wants this!
- No. Uh...

Wait, w-where are you going?

- Teddy, take 'em!
- Uh, I... I...

- You're gonna love 'em,
Teddy, come on!
- Take it, Teddy!

-Teddy, come on!
-BOB: Teddy, take this.
-Ah, you know

I can't handle
when two people talk to me!

- (screaming)
- Huh.

I can't believe he didn't
like either of those ideas.

- I know.
- His loss.

TINA:
Anyway, life was good. Too good.

It's like I always say,
when you're on top of the world,

the only place left to go
is down.

Okay, I didn't always say that,
but I'm saying it now.

And I plan on saying it again

because it's fun to say.

- Tina. My office, now.
- (shouts)

I need something, Tina.

The open house is so close,
and kids are still acting weird.

I need more time!
Give me a few weeks!

- The open house is in two days.
- Okay, I didn't know that.

What? You made the banner
that says the date on it.

Wait a minute.
Who are you protecting?

Who got to you?
Was it Lenny DeStefano?

He got an eighth-grade girl
to keep his rabbit

in her lunchbox for three weeks.

I know he's very powerful.

I'm not protecting anyone!

I just haven't found
anything yet!

(sighs) Tina, I didn't want it
to come to this, but...

I may have to take your vest.

- What? No!
- I can tell you're lying.

Your-your face looks
absolutely bananas.

Uh...

What choice did I have?

I had to tell him something.

(Millie humming)

- (cheering, applause)
- There you have her, folks!

Fing-lise Belcher.

This is very weird, Millie.
I don't like it.

Because you love it?
Can we hold hands now?

Louise! Louise, there's
something you need to know!

Hey, what is it, T?

- You lookin' for stage time?
- No, I...

What in the world?!

Tina! You didn't!

No! I actually didn't. I mean,

I came here to tell you
that he wanted me to,

but I didn't tell him anything!

Yeah, right.

I knew I shouldn't
have trusted a vest.

I am a vest,
but I'm also your sister.

Not anymore you're not.

All right, everyone.

Pack up your adorable
little accessories

and get out of here!
They're banned!

This is all banned,
effective immediately!

Here's a finger,
now get out of here.

- That's your thumb.
- The thumb is a finger.

- No. This is a finger.
- Millie!

TINA:
And just like that,
it was all gone.

The fun, the friendships,
the fingers.

I had flown too close
to the sun.

In this case, my mom's son, uh,

and also her daughter,
who happened to be

my brother and sister.

And they didn't want
anything to do with me.

Louise switched seats

at dinner so our elbows
wouldn't bump.

Sure, Gene still invited me

to serve him bubble bath
chicken nuggets,

but we didn't have our usual
bubble bath chicken nugget

banter... it was all business.

I was back
on the right side of the law.

So why did it feel so wrong?

Frond banned handy prancing
for good.

The case was closed.

And the school was
about to be open... housed.

Open housed.

Okay, Tina,
let's test out the video.

No! Don't turn the camera on.

Play the video called
"Wagstaff Faces and Places."

Sorry.

♪ ♪

I didn't sleep a wink
that night.

Normally, I have
restless leg syndrome.

But that night,
I had restless finger syndrome.

And that's when I had the idea.

FROND: And now...

Phillip Frond Productions
proudly presents:

Walk on into Wagstaff,

a full-day immersive experience

that will have you saying,
"Holy cow!"

(chuckles) And, Tina, go.

(exhales) Okay.

♪ ♪

No. No. No, no,
no, no, no! No! No!

Oh, look, a little dancing hand.

I love it.

This is a fun assembly.

I thought it was gonna be
boring school stuff.

(singsongy): This feels
like a good time for a burger,

doesn't it? A not-mushy burger.

Hmm, those buns look
pretty smooshed.

Unlike this bun... oh, no, wait,
that's a tomato. Hang on.

Tina! Tina, stop!

TINA: I'd made some phone calls
the night before.

Told some finger friends
to wear their Sunday best,

even though it was a Friday.

And since Gene and Louise

were always surprising me,

I thought I'd surprise them
for once.

(chuckles):
Tina, you son of a bitch.

Hey, go on up there, Gene.

Give us a Mavis moment.

Nah, this is
Holly Monitors' show.

I'm just gonna use these
to do this.

So, what,
is she suspended or something?

I thought it was cute.

Well, lucky for Tina,
so did the superintendent.

She said it was
the first creative thing

she's ever seen me do,
so I took credit for it.

Oh. So, I'm not in trouble?

No, but if I ever see
those fingers again...

(stammers)
I'm sorry, did you just take

french fries out of your armpit?

Yeah! You want some?

- They're great.
- I have some, too.

Uh, kind of near my butt.
A baggie slid down.

I think we're done here.

♪ ♪

TINA: I sure was gonna miss
Holly Monitors.

But then, I guess, a little
part of me will always be

- Holly Monitors... the hand part.
- (knocking)

Mavis. How'd you know
where to find me?

GENE (high-pitched):
I asked around.

(normal voice): Can we come in?

So it was you
who told Mr. Frond?

But why?
You were on top of the world.

Sure, it started that way.
At first,

-I loved the attention.
-ALL (chanting):
Mavis! Mavis! Mavis!

But what began
as an occasional gig

turned into
an every lunchtime thing.

I was missing so many gorditas,
so many ham sandwiches.

But Louise didn't want me
to stop. She was getting rich.

I was having a good time, but
it was wearing a little thin.

(high-pitched):
Thinner than the elastic
on my favorite finger tube top.

Mr. Frond put the screws
to me and I let it all out.

I told him everything!
Everything!

You didn't have
to tell him, Gene.

I threw him off the scent
with a really good lie

that everyone was just doing
a lot of studying these days.

Frankly, it was a relief.
The spotlight isn't always

what it's cracked up to be, kid.

I love being Mavis,
but sometimes you just want to

use your fingers
for lickin' and pickin'.

And occasionally flickin'.

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you right away.

And I'm sorry
I didn't tell Louise.

You loved handy prancing
and she loved

- all that candy and money.
- That's okay.

Well, would you ever want to...

-tread the boards
at home with me?
-(high-pitched): Honey,

all you had to do was ask.

(Gene grunting)

♪ Hey, it's time to do
the handy prance ♪

♪ Yeah, it's time to let
your digits dance ♪

♪ It doesn't matter
if your moves are fancy ♪

♪ Get to the boiler room
and take a chance-y ♪

♪ Put some clothing
on your fingers ♪

♪ Come and join the swingers ♪

♪ With Gene ♪

♪ Let's see
those fingers kicking ♪

♪ Dance, dance, dance,
dance, dance, dance ♪

- ♪ Don't be a chicken ♪
- ♪ Dance, dance ♪

- ♪ Do the handy prance ♪
- ♪ Don't sit there lickin' ♪

- ♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
- ♪ Or pickin' ♪

- ♪ Or lickin' or pickin' ♪
- ♪ Dance, dance ♪

- ♪ Or sometimes flickin' ♪
- ♪ Dance, dance ♪

♪ Your brother's hand is cool ♪

♪ You can't resist her,
dress in your horse's clothes ♪

♪ And join him, sister. ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.