Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Art Crawl - full transcript
When Linda asks Bob to let her sister hang her paintings in the restaurant for Art Week, Bob finds he's forced to contend with the city's Art Council, a shady troop of intimidating old ladies who control the art exhibited around town. Meanwhile, Louise, Gene and Tina are thrilled by all the attention their own art receives in the restaurant.
Wow, I thought last year's
art crawl was terrible,
but they really outdid
themselves this year, huh?
Yeah.
Ugh, bad.
Very bad.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, look at that.
Really bad.
Really, really bad.
Ugh!
Ugh!
I think they're... good.
Dad, why does art crawl
suck so much?
Well, it's just a very
loose definition of art, Louise.
And don't say suck.
Don't say suck, please.
You're right, though.
It does suck.
I don't want you kids
to think this is what art is.
We should go to a museum.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Yeah, maybe not. Yeah, we should...
We should not go to a museum.
Let's not overdo it.
Let's just walk around
and make fun of this stuff.
Yeah. Okay.
Why don't we just go back
to the restaurant?
Because your aunt Gayle is there
hanging up her art,
which we're not allowed
to make fun of at all.
Well, why can't we make fun
of aunt Gayle's paintings?
She's family.
Yeah.
That means never holding back
anything, right, pit stains?
Am I showing?
Let's just say your shirt looks
like my underwear right now.
Yeah. Well, look, no one tells
Gayle anything she can't handle.
That's your mom's rule,
all right?
You treat her
like a mental patient.
Well, I mean, she probably
should be one, right?
Yeah, I heard she
ate her lipstick once
because she wanted
to feel red inside.
And she made a dress out of
live shrimp and wore it to mass.
Oh, and she shaved her cat.
Come on, Louise.
You know none of that is true.
Except for the cat shaving.
And maybe the shrimp
and the lipstick.
Are you kidding me?
My kid could paint that.
Wow. It costs $200.
Someone bought that mess?!
How rude!
Harold!
Harold?!
What?
There are some poorly supervised
children amongst the art.
Get rid of them!
All right.
Let's go.
Keep moving.
Excuse me. Are you a...?
Are you a bouncer?
Are you gonna bounce my kids?
No, no. Just
keep it moving, chubs.
Chubs? You don't have to go
home, but you can't stay here.
Hey, easy, pal, all right?
Don't touch.
Come on, dad.
This guy's not worth it.
Ah, listen to your kids, fatsy.
Fatsy?
Come on. Come on, dad.
Louise...
Dad, look me...
Give me your eyes, dad.
Give me your eyes.
Mm-hmm.
Take a deep breath.
You are lucky, pal.
It's not worth it, dad.
If you hit him, your hand would
smell like ointment and pee.
You smell like ointment and pee.
You smell like ointment and pee.
You smell like ointment and pee.
You smell like ointment and pee.
You...
Well, that was awkward.
What is that place?
You don't know reflections?
They sell art,
not just during art
crawl, but year-round.
Reflections.
It sounds like a strip club,
the way you say it.
Reflections.
Mmm.
So, brace yourselves
for aunt Gayle's art show.
Mom said aunt Gayle told her
they're just adorable animals.
Oh, yeah? Well,
that doesn't sound so bad.
Hi, hon!
How was art crawl? Hey.
Huh? Everything's going
great here. We're having fun.
Oh, wow.
Lin...
Gayle's here!
We hung-hung her paintings!
Look at this one!
Look at that one!
Linda, can you just
let me see...? Oh, my God!
Yeah! Anuses!
Oh, God. Oh, my God, Lin.
It's a few days, Bobby.
Linda, there are animal anuses
all over our walls.
Just think of 'em as
cute little rumps.
Lin, they're anuses.
I'm trying to think
of worse paintings
to hang in a restaurant.
Um... nope, I can't
think of any.
Bad monkey!
Kids, stop that.
No. I'm spanking
the monkey!
No way, dad.
This is the best thing
that has ever happened to us.
Horse butt.
Oh, hello, sir.
Don't look at the pictures
of the anus...
Yup, he already did. Okay.
You see that, Lin?
No one wants to eat with one
of those staring at them.
Come on, you can't seriously
think that this is a good idea.
Well, they're not for me,
but we promised Gayle
she could display her art
for the art crawl.
We can't take it back now.
She's fragile.
We have to support her.
She's not that fragile, Lin.
What happened?
What happened?
Gayle, Gayle honey, look,
look, it's a fork.
What?
Look, it's a fork.
Oh, it's a fork. Ha.
Oh, you're killing me.
She's killing me.
Okay, so she's fragile.
And that means we have
to be the anus restaurant?
Yes, it means that.
Oh, we can make t-shirts!
It'll say:
"Milk, milk, lemonade.
Around the corner art is made."
Bob! Do you
love 'em?
Or do you just love 'em?
Um, how did you...?
Why... why would you
paint... this?
The inspiration came to me
on a mountaintop.
What should I paint?
Huh.
He loves 'em!
All right, listen up.
All the suckers come out
for art crawl.
And they all want
to pay money for crap.
So paint some crap,
and we can sell it.
Wait. You're not painting?
No, I'm management.
You two paint the stuff,
I'll do the rest.
I'll be wheeling and dealing.
I'll be getting my percent.
Okay, let's see
what you got so far.
Time's up.
Paint brushes down.
What the hell is this?
I told you to paint
commercial touristy crap.
I'm sorry I'm not a sellout.
I can only paint what I feel.
And I can only paint the truth!
The robots are coming!
Hide!
Ah, this is great.
You guys want
to be real artists, huh?
Okay, that's an angle.
I can sell that.
But if you're going artsy,
then you're going all the way.
Someone's cutting off an ear.
I need both of mine.
I wear glasses.
Welp, what's your excuse?
Don't got one.
Have at it.
Teddy, what's wrong? You
haven't touched your food.
I don't, Bob.
It's just the, uh...
The anuses? Yeah.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, they're, uh...
I know.
Oh, they're like
Mona Lisa's eyes.
They follow you wherever you go.
Ooh, you're right.
Well, I like 'em!
You like 'em?
Ugh.
Yeah. What's the problem?
The anus is the window
of the butt.
It's true. I guess
she's just painting
what we're all thinking.
Well, okay, but, Mort,
would you hang them up
in your funeral home?
'Course not. That would be
terrible for business.
I'm not an idiot.
Count to three,
but do it on "two."
I'll keep it on ice until art
crawl's over. Thanks, T.
Here goes. Now listen, gene.
I'm gonna have trouble cutting
through the cartilage at first.
While I'm doing it,
just think about your art.
Okay!
All right. Ready?
Ninja robot. Ninja robot.
Ninja robot.
One... two...
Hey, kids.
Oh, hey, dad.
I had to get away
from those anuses for a while.
You mean Mort and Teddy? No. No.
Your... Gayle's paintings.
What are you kids doing?
What knife?!
What do you mean, what knife?
Why are you holding a knife?
Why am I holding a knife?
She's turning me into a real artist.
No, she's not.
Put the knife down, Louise.
I want to be an artist!
Like Leonardo DiCaprio.
That's right.
That's Da Vinci, gene.
No!
The only way
I can sell this garbage
is if I make them legit!
Hey, wait a second.
I have an idea.
You know who loves the stuff
you kids draw?
You?
No. Your mother.
This crap is like catnip to her.
She can't resist it.
Bring 'em inside.
All right, we need to get
these up before they get back.
Your mom will be so excited
to see this stuff,
she won't even notice that
I took Gayle's paintings down.
Pretty manipulative, dad.
I see where I get it.
Thank you.
You should see my taxes.
Uh, what's this supposed to be?
A ninja robot fighting a vampire
tape recorder at Stonehenge.
Who's that in the background?
That's my friend Ken.
Why is he like that?
He's an albino.
Oh.
Yeah.
I've never met Ken.
Is he real or imaginary?
He's real, and he does
improvised hip-hop.
Okay, how old is he?
He's 28.
You can't have a 28-year-old,
albino friend. Yes, I can!
All right, I can't deal
with this right now.
Tina, what do you got?
It's our dentist. Dr.
Yap? Why is he nude?
Wait, has he been
nude with you, Tina?!
I exercised
some artistic license.
Uh, I...
We're switching dentists.
No! I can't deal
with that right now.
But... Let's get 'em up.
Linda, Gayle.
How was lunch?
Very interesting.
I think... ♪ the waiter might
have been hitting on me. ♪
Yes. He was very attentive.
And he asked you a lot
of questions about food.
What was that all about?
Uh, Bob?
Where are my paintings?
What? Wha...? Oh, I had
to take a few down
to make room
for the kids' stuff.
Bobby! Aw.
The kids' stuff!
Yeah. It's like our wall is a
giant refrigerator. I love it.
Huh. Gee, Bob,
if I didn't know any better,
I'd think...
You didn't like my paintings.
What, no? I...
Aw.
No, no, no.
I know when
I'm being lied to, Bob.
It's like when I look at myself
in the mirror and say,
"it's going to be okay."
Fine, look, Gayle, I'm
gonna level with you.
No. No, Bob.
No. No levelling. No.
Here we go.
Gayle,
the thing about your paintings...
Bobby! Ah...
Oh, look, senior
visitors! Yay!
Oh. Well, look who it is.
Great. The art
store people.
Oh! Reflections.
I love that store!
I love your yarn.
What can we get for you?
I'm not here as a patron.
I'm here as Edith Cranwinkle,
chairperson of the art crawl.
I rushed right over here
because there are murmurs,
whispers and murmurs
around town,
that you're displaying...
Certain offensive
orifices during the art crawl.
Offices?
Orifices!
Not anymore.
I took them all down.
Oh, what a relief.
I'm glad you agree
with my decision.
Your decision?
What decision?
That you can't display
that type of art here.
Wait. I can't?
Absolutely not!
It's obscene.
Obscene.
Oh, really?
Yes. I won't allow it.
Excuse me?
You won't allow it?
That's right, Tubsy.
You heard her.
Who are you two to tell me what
I can or can't hang on my wall?
I am chairperson
of the art crawl.
Well, I'm the chairperson
of this restaurant.
And you know what?
They're gonna go back up.
How dare you!
Aw, Bobby!
Gene, Louise, go
get the paintings.
Here they are!
Step into the butt closet!
I will not!
You should try it.
I will not!
What's it going to take
to get you into this
rhino anus today?
You are in direct violation
of my wife, Bob.
Oh, I am, am I?
Well, how about this?
Horse anus.
Oh! Oh!
Look at it.
No!
Oh.
Chicken anus.
No!
Take a closer look.
Fox anus.
Harold!
Gayle, I'm commissioning a
new series of anus paintings.
Two words... bigger and more.
Oh!
Out!
Aah!
I cast you out.
Oh, my gosh.
Keep 'em coming, Gayle!
Almost done!
Oh, my, I feel like
I could fall into this one!
Bob, I thought you didn't want
to become the anus restaurant.
Well, I've embraced it.
We are the anus restaurant, Lin.
A-nus! A-nus! Kids.
A-nus! A-nus! A-nus!
That's right!
Go tell your friends!
Or don't. Either way.
It's your choice.
Hey, you asked for this, Lin.
I'm just doing what
you wanted me to do,
support your sister.
Oh, what a crock of crap!
This is about you and your
pride and that Edith.
And you just want
to provoke her.
Damn right, I do.
This one
big enough for you, Edith?!
Fresh from their
triumphant debut
at Bob's burgers!
That's right,
gallery-quality paintings
at sidewalk prices.
Art lover, check this out!
Hey, that's Dr. yap.
He's my dentist.
That's a good likeness
in the face, but, uh...
The proportions are off.
No, I... the
proportions are right.
Well, I'm getting adult braces.
So?
So I should know!
Dr. yap has short, strong
legs, and his torso is...
Well, I'm off to do
some more roller-skating!
You know what?
I've done all I can for you hacks.
You refuse
to paint touristy art,
dad won't let me cut off
gene's ear... we're through!
We are through!
I'm dropping you as my clients,
and I'm dropping you
as my siblings!
Go take some art classes,
you wannabes!
Hey, Andy, Ollie.
Hm? Huh?
You, too, red.
Huh?
Come here.
You ever heard of the game,
"you guys paint whatever I
say and then I sell it"?
Does the winner
get a hug from Ollie?
Ah, Andy, you can have
one of those any old time.
Now?
All right, stop hugging!
Let's paint!
Let's paint shells
and sunsets and crap!
Yay! Yay!
Yay!
Attention everyone!
This installation
is not approved
by the art crawl association.
It's obscene, and should
be taken down immediately!
Well, I'll tell you this...
it doesn't need
to be approved by the
art crawl association,
because this is now a
permanent installation.
Permanent?
You'll regret this, Bob!
Oh, is that a threat?
Oh, when I threaten you,
you'll know it!
Yeah, when she threatens you,
you'll know it!
Okay, was that a threat?
You bet it was!
Is that supposed to scare me?
Defi...
Yes.
You want some water?
He would never drink your water!
I really need s...
He's fine!
You're fine.
I could use some water.
You're fine.
Bob, water.
No!
He'd rather die
than drink your water!
I wouldn't!
Yes, he would!
I'll drink it!
No, water, Harold!
Please!
Never!
Edith!
Unbelievable.
This is nuts.
I can't believe Edith would do this.
My artwork!
It's ruined!
They painted underpants
on my beautiful anuses!
Gayle, Gayle, no need
to go off the deep end, okay?
You should be flattered, right?
All the great artists
get censored.
They do not.
Yes, yes! All of 'em do.
Every... all
the good ones.
Oh, God, what a whirlwind
we've been on.
I feel like let's just put this
all behind us and move on.
I'm going down there.
What? Where?
To see Edith.
Bobby, don't do anything crazy.
I'm not crazy, they're crazy!
And they're not gonna
get away with it!
Glue that shell
in the middle, Andy!
What are you doing?!
My hand is cramping up!
I ate too much glue!
Andy, Ollie, come here.
Listen, I'm pushing you because
you've got talent, babies.
And I'm gonna take care of you,
oh, you better believe it.
But first you've got
to make some money for mommy.
Okay, babies?
You, too, red.
What's your name, sweetheart?
Devin McJim...
Shut up!
It doesn't matter!
Stop talking!
Start working!
Work! Shells go
in the middle!
Here you go.
One-of-a-kind original.
Help support these poor,
deformed orphans.
20 bucks.
Dad's pissed.
That's a take five.
For me! Not you!
Oh, look, everyone,
the town pornographer.
Can it, Edith.
I'm here to get an apology.
For what, standing up
for artistic integrity
and common decency?
There's nothing decent
about what you did.
First you tried to tell me
what to put on my walls,
then you vandalised it.
Have you no shame?
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
And neither does he.
What?
Hit her, dad!
I'm not gonna hit her, Louise.
Hit her, dad!
Gene?
Tina? What are you
two doing here?
Learning to paint.
We're honing our craft.
Okay, well, good luck
trying to Polish a turd.
Wait, I thought
you hated my kids.
My artwork shop is open
to all who respect art.
So I'll have to
ask you to leave.
Then ask me.
Please leave.
Not before I get an apology.
Not on your life!
Have it your way, art lady!
Hey.
Poke her in the eye
with the brush.
Oh, I've got
a better idea, Louise.
Ha-ha-ha!
Take that!
Dad, what is that?
It's an anus.
Oh...
What else would it be?
What has this been all about?
You call that an anus?
It looks just like a black dot!
What kind of anus is that?
Oh!
Well, then, Harold,
it looks like I'll need
to practice a little more.
I'll say.
How about one right here!
And what about here!
Ow!
This one might need an anus!
Aah!
How about this lighthouse!
It has an anus now!
Looking good, dad.
Thanks, teen.
Rip that lighthouse
a new one, dad!
I feel so alive!
This is what God must feel like.
Kids, tell your mother
not to wait up!
Use the brown!
Use the brown!
You should've seen it, mom.
Dad went nuts!
Aw, Bobby, what'd you do?
I got justice, Lin.
Dad painted an anus
on a lighthouse.
Yeah.
And on a Mountain
and on a sunset
and on a sailboat...
And on Dr. yap.
And Ken.
Yeah, I'm sorry I painted
on your paintings, kids.
They were in the line of fire.
You painted anuses on paintings?
Where's Gayle?
I got to tell her
how I stood up for her.
She's in the basement trying to get
the underwear off her paintings.
You shouldn't have done it, Bob.
Are you kidding, Lin?
It's the best thing
I've ever done in my life.
Ow.
See,
that's how you put on handcuffs.
They don't look
tight enough to me.
Why are these on me?
Because you anally
defaced her property.
But she started it...
look what she did.
Oh. I like the new direction
and wish I could take credit.
But like I said,
I had nothing to do with it.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
I'm pressing charges.
We're gonna take this to court!
Wait, now you're charging her?
This is confusing.
Is dad going to jail?
I'll wait for you.
Word of advice, dad:
Don't tell your cell mate
what you're in for.
I hope our new dad is a blond.
I can't take it anymore!
Edith didn't paint
the underwear! I did it!
What? You painted
all those underpants, Linda?
Oh, I couldn't help it.
Those anuses were haunting me
in my sleep.
Anus! Anus! Anus!
No...!
You were the one who said
we had to support your sister.
I did support her,
until I figured out
a way to destroy her art while
preserving her feelings
and blaming someone else.
I thought those looked familiar.
Oh, yeah!
Mom! You painted
your own underwear!
What? How do you know
what my underwear looks like?
How don't I know?
She wears it around the house,
flaunting it,
like she's all that.
I do not!
Okay, Bobby, let's go to jail.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Can't I...
Edith, can't I just pay
for the paintings?
Well, the retail value
of what you destroyed
was over a thousand dollars!
We'll give you $200.
We haven't sold a burger
all week, Lin.
We don't have
that kind of money.
I got this one, dad.
Are we good here?
Fine!
We'll take it.
Me and you can settle up later.
Where the hell'd you get
all that money from?
Shh. Don't ask,
don't ask.
It's art crawl.
But...
Shh! Shh, shh, shh, shh,
shut your mouth. It's art crawl.
What... but I...
Shh! Shut your mouth.
But the m...
Shut your mouth.
I...
I said shut your mouth.
It's art crawl.
Come on, Harold, let's
get out of this ass parlour.
It stinks!
O-okay.
You know, Linda, none
of this would have happened
if you'd just been
honest with your sister.
It's true, mom.
I've been honest
with these two
since the day gene got fat.
I remember the ice cream
sandwich that did it.
I regret nothing!
And Tina...
bad breath every day.
Not if you like fish.
See how tough they are?
We've been desensitised.
I'm so numb.
All right, from now on,
I'm going to be honest
with my sister.
She deserves to know the truth.
I did it! I did it!
I fixed all the paintings!
I added pants
and huge, pendulous breasts.
Oh, I'm so excited!
I think it's my best work ever.
What do you think?
I'm not hearing anything.
Oh, my God.
Gayle, it's beautiful.
They're great. They look great.
Great. Great!
They're great!
Fantastic!
Yes, they are...
Yeah, look at that!
Very, very...
I knew it!
I knew they were great!
Here, you hang these,
and I'm gonna go back down
and finish the rest of 'em.
Oh, I couldn't do it.
I wouldn't have done it.
There's exceptions
to the honesty policy.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, Lin,
you did the right thing.
Oh, thank you for supporting me.
I want to hug
each and every one of you!
Come here, all of you!
Come on! All right.
Oh, I love my family!
I love you!
Let me out of your love jail!
Do you think she's coming back?
I don't know.
I'm so cold.
Cut me open and crawl inside me.
One of us should live.
Okay.
Mama's comin' back,
and mama better
see some paintings!
art crawl was terrible,
but they really outdid
themselves this year, huh?
Yeah.
Ugh, bad.
Very bad.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, look at that.
Really bad.
Really, really bad.
Ugh!
Ugh!
I think they're... good.
Dad, why does art crawl
suck so much?
Well, it's just a very
loose definition of art, Louise.
And don't say suck.
Don't say suck, please.
You're right, though.
It does suck.
I don't want you kids
to think this is what art is.
We should go to a museum.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Yeah, maybe not. Yeah, we should...
We should not go to a museum.
Let's not overdo it.
Let's just walk around
and make fun of this stuff.
Yeah. Okay.
Why don't we just go back
to the restaurant?
Because your aunt Gayle is there
hanging up her art,
which we're not allowed
to make fun of at all.
Well, why can't we make fun
of aunt Gayle's paintings?
She's family.
Yeah.
That means never holding back
anything, right, pit stains?
Am I showing?
Let's just say your shirt looks
like my underwear right now.
Yeah. Well, look, no one tells
Gayle anything she can't handle.
That's your mom's rule,
all right?
You treat her
like a mental patient.
Well, I mean, she probably
should be one, right?
Yeah, I heard she
ate her lipstick once
because she wanted
to feel red inside.
And she made a dress out of
live shrimp and wore it to mass.
Oh, and she shaved her cat.
Come on, Louise.
You know none of that is true.
Except for the cat shaving.
And maybe the shrimp
and the lipstick.
Are you kidding me?
My kid could paint that.
Wow. It costs $200.
Someone bought that mess?!
How rude!
Harold!
Harold?!
What?
There are some poorly supervised
children amongst the art.
Get rid of them!
All right.
Let's go.
Keep moving.
Excuse me. Are you a...?
Are you a bouncer?
Are you gonna bounce my kids?
No, no. Just
keep it moving, chubs.
Chubs? You don't have to go
home, but you can't stay here.
Hey, easy, pal, all right?
Don't touch.
Come on, dad.
This guy's not worth it.
Ah, listen to your kids, fatsy.
Fatsy?
Come on. Come on, dad.
Louise...
Dad, look me...
Give me your eyes, dad.
Give me your eyes.
Mm-hmm.
Take a deep breath.
You are lucky, pal.
It's not worth it, dad.
If you hit him, your hand would
smell like ointment and pee.
You smell like ointment and pee.
You smell like ointment and pee.
You smell like ointment and pee.
You smell like ointment and pee.
You...
Well, that was awkward.
What is that place?
You don't know reflections?
They sell art,
not just during art
crawl, but year-round.
Reflections.
It sounds like a strip club,
the way you say it.
Reflections.
Mmm.
So, brace yourselves
for aunt Gayle's art show.
Mom said aunt Gayle told her
they're just adorable animals.
Oh, yeah? Well,
that doesn't sound so bad.
Hi, hon!
How was art crawl? Hey.
Huh? Everything's going
great here. We're having fun.
Oh, wow.
Lin...
Gayle's here!
We hung-hung her paintings!
Look at this one!
Look at that one!
Linda, can you just
let me see...? Oh, my God!
Yeah! Anuses!
Oh, God. Oh, my God, Lin.
It's a few days, Bobby.
Linda, there are animal anuses
all over our walls.
Just think of 'em as
cute little rumps.
Lin, they're anuses.
I'm trying to think
of worse paintings
to hang in a restaurant.
Um... nope, I can't
think of any.
Bad monkey!
Kids, stop that.
No. I'm spanking
the monkey!
No way, dad.
This is the best thing
that has ever happened to us.
Horse butt.
Oh, hello, sir.
Don't look at the pictures
of the anus...
Yup, he already did. Okay.
You see that, Lin?
No one wants to eat with one
of those staring at them.
Come on, you can't seriously
think that this is a good idea.
Well, they're not for me,
but we promised Gayle
she could display her art
for the art crawl.
We can't take it back now.
She's fragile.
We have to support her.
She's not that fragile, Lin.
What happened?
What happened?
Gayle, Gayle honey, look,
look, it's a fork.
What?
Look, it's a fork.
Oh, it's a fork. Ha.
Oh, you're killing me.
She's killing me.
Okay, so she's fragile.
And that means we have
to be the anus restaurant?
Yes, it means that.
Oh, we can make t-shirts!
It'll say:
"Milk, milk, lemonade.
Around the corner art is made."
Bob! Do you
love 'em?
Or do you just love 'em?
Um, how did you...?
Why... why would you
paint... this?
The inspiration came to me
on a mountaintop.
What should I paint?
Huh.
He loves 'em!
All right, listen up.
All the suckers come out
for art crawl.
And they all want
to pay money for crap.
So paint some crap,
and we can sell it.
Wait. You're not painting?
No, I'm management.
You two paint the stuff,
I'll do the rest.
I'll be wheeling and dealing.
I'll be getting my percent.
Okay, let's see
what you got so far.
Time's up.
Paint brushes down.
What the hell is this?
I told you to paint
commercial touristy crap.
I'm sorry I'm not a sellout.
I can only paint what I feel.
And I can only paint the truth!
The robots are coming!
Hide!
Ah, this is great.
You guys want
to be real artists, huh?
Okay, that's an angle.
I can sell that.
But if you're going artsy,
then you're going all the way.
Someone's cutting off an ear.
I need both of mine.
I wear glasses.
Welp, what's your excuse?
Don't got one.
Have at it.
Teddy, what's wrong? You
haven't touched your food.
I don't, Bob.
It's just the, uh...
The anuses? Yeah.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, they're, uh...
I know.
Oh, they're like
Mona Lisa's eyes.
They follow you wherever you go.
Ooh, you're right.
Well, I like 'em!
You like 'em?
Ugh.
Yeah. What's the problem?
The anus is the window
of the butt.
It's true. I guess
she's just painting
what we're all thinking.
Well, okay, but, Mort,
would you hang them up
in your funeral home?
'Course not. That would be
terrible for business.
I'm not an idiot.
Count to three,
but do it on "two."
I'll keep it on ice until art
crawl's over. Thanks, T.
Here goes. Now listen, gene.
I'm gonna have trouble cutting
through the cartilage at first.
While I'm doing it,
just think about your art.
Okay!
All right. Ready?
Ninja robot. Ninja robot.
Ninja robot.
One... two...
Hey, kids.
Oh, hey, dad.
I had to get away
from those anuses for a while.
You mean Mort and Teddy? No. No.
Your... Gayle's paintings.
What are you kids doing?
What knife?!
What do you mean, what knife?
Why are you holding a knife?
Why am I holding a knife?
She's turning me into a real artist.
No, she's not.
Put the knife down, Louise.
I want to be an artist!
Like Leonardo DiCaprio.
That's right.
That's Da Vinci, gene.
No!
The only way
I can sell this garbage
is if I make them legit!
Hey, wait a second.
I have an idea.
You know who loves the stuff
you kids draw?
You?
No. Your mother.
This crap is like catnip to her.
She can't resist it.
Bring 'em inside.
All right, we need to get
these up before they get back.
Your mom will be so excited
to see this stuff,
she won't even notice that
I took Gayle's paintings down.
Pretty manipulative, dad.
I see where I get it.
Thank you.
You should see my taxes.
Uh, what's this supposed to be?
A ninja robot fighting a vampire
tape recorder at Stonehenge.
Who's that in the background?
That's my friend Ken.
Why is he like that?
He's an albino.
Oh.
Yeah.
I've never met Ken.
Is he real or imaginary?
He's real, and he does
improvised hip-hop.
Okay, how old is he?
He's 28.
You can't have a 28-year-old,
albino friend. Yes, I can!
All right, I can't deal
with this right now.
Tina, what do you got?
It's our dentist. Dr.
Yap? Why is he nude?
Wait, has he been
nude with you, Tina?!
I exercised
some artistic license.
Uh, I...
We're switching dentists.
No! I can't deal
with that right now.
But... Let's get 'em up.
Linda, Gayle.
How was lunch?
Very interesting.
I think... ♪ the waiter might
have been hitting on me. ♪
Yes. He was very attentive.
And he asked you a lot
of questions about food.
What was that all about?
Uh, Bob?
Where are my paintings?
What? Wha...? Oh, I had
to take a few down
to make room
for the kids' stuff.
Bobby! Aw.
The kids' stuff!
Yeah. It's like our wall is a
giant refrigerator. I love it.
Huh. Gee, Bob,
if I didn't know any better,
I'd think...
You didn't like my paintings.
What, no? I...
Aw.
No, no, no.
I know when
I'm being lied to, Bob.
It's like when I look at myself
in the mirror and say,
"it's going to be okay."
Fine, look, Gayle, I'm
gonna level with you.
No. No, Bob.
No. No levelling. No.
Here we go.
Gayle,
the thing about your paintings...
Bobby! Ah...
Oh, look, senior
visitors! Yay!
Oh. Well, look who it is.
Great. The art
store people.
Oh! Reflections.
I love that store!
I love your yarn.
What can we get for you?
I'm not here as a patron.
I'm here as Edith Cranwinkle,
chairperson of the art crawl.
I rushed right over here
because there are murmurs,
whispers and murmurs
around town,
that you're displaying...
Certain offensive
orifices during the art crawl.
Offices?
Orifices!
Not anymore.
I took them all down.
Oh, what a relief.
I'm glad you agree
with my decision.
Your decision?
What decision?
That you can't display
that type of art here.
Wait. I can't?
Absolutely not!
It's obscene.
Obscene.
Oh, really?
Yes. I won't allow it.
Excuse me?
You won't allow it?
That's right, Tubsy.
You heard her.
Who are you two to tell me what
I can or can't hang on my wall?
I am chairperson
of the art crawl.
Well, I'm the chairperson
of this restaurant.
And you know what?
They're gonna go back up.
How dare you!
Aw, Bobby!
Gene, Louise, go
get the paintings.
Here they are!
Step into the butt closet!
I will not!
You should try it.
I will not!
What's it going to take
to get you into this
rhino anus today?
You are in direct violation
of my wife, Bob.
Oh, I am, am I?
Well, how about this?
Horse anus.
Oh! Oh!
Look at it.
No!
Oh.
Chicken anus.
No!
Take a closer look.
Fox anus.
Harold!
Gayle, I'm commissioning a
new series of anus paintings.
Two words... bigger and more.
Oh!
Out!
Aah!
I cast you out.
Oh, my gosh.
Keep 'em coming, Gayle!
Almost done!
Oh, my, I feel like
I could fall into this one!
Bob, I thought you didn't want
to become the anus restaurant.
Well, I've embraced it.
We are the anus restaurant, Lin.
A-nus! A-nus! Kids.
A-nus! A-nus! A-nus!
That's right!
Go tell your friends!
Or don't. Either way.
It's your choice.
Hey, you asked for this, Lin.
I'm just doing what
you wanted me to do,
support your sister.
Oh, what a crock of crap!
This is about you and your
pride and that Edith.
And you just want
to provoke her.
Damn right, I do.
This one
big enough for you, Edith?!
Fresh from their
triumphant debut
at Bob's burgers!
That's right,
gallery-quality paintings
at sidewalk prices.
Art lover, check this out!
Hey, that's Dr. yap.
He's my dentist.
That's a good likeness
in the face, but, uh...
The proportions are off.
No, I... the
proportions are right.
Well, I'm getting adult braces.
So?
So I should know!
Dr. yap has short, strong
legs, and his torso is...
Well, I'm off to do
some more roller-skating!
You know what?
I've done all I can for you hacks.
You refuse
to paint touristy art,
dad won't let me cut off
gene's ear... we're through!
We are through!
I'm dropping you as my clients,
and I'm dropping you
as my siblings!
Go take some art classes,
you wannabes!
Hey, Andy, Ollie.
Hm? Huh?
You, too, red.
Huh?
Come here.
You ever heard of the game,
"you guys paint whatever I
say and then I sell it"?
Does the winner
get a hug from Ollie?
Ah, Andy, you can have
one of those any old time.
Now?
All right, stop hugging!
Let's paint!
Let's paint shells
and sunsets and crap!
Yay! Yay!
Yay!
Attention everyone!
This installation
is not approved
by the art crawl association.
It's obscene, and should
be taken down immediately!
Well, I'll tell you this...
it doesn't need
to be approved by the
art crawl association,
because this is now a
permanent installation.
Permanent?
You'll regret this, Bob!
Oh, is that a threat?
Oh, when I threaten you,
you'll know it!
Yeah, when she threatens you,
you'll know it!
Okay, was that a threat?
You bet it was!
Is that supposed to scare me?
Defi...
Yes.
You want some water?
He would never drink your water!
I really need s...
He's fine!
You're fine.
I could use some water.
You're fine.
Bob, water.
No!
He'd rather die
than drink your water!
I wouldn't!
Yes, he would!
I'll drink it!
No, water, Harold!
Please!
Never!
Edith!
Unbelievable.
This is nuts.
I can't believe Edith would do this.
My artwork!
It's ruined!
They painted underpants
on my beautiful anuses!
Gayle, Gayle, no need
to go off the deep end, okay?
You should be flattered, right?
All the great artists
get censored.
They do not.
Yes, yes! All of 'em do.
Every... all
the good ones.
Oh, God, what a whirlwind
we've been on.
I feel like let's just put this
all behind us and move on.
I'm going down there.
What? Where?
To see Edith.
Bobby, don't do anything crazy.
I'm not crazy, they're crazy!
And they're not gonna
get away with it!
Glue that shell
in the middle, Andy!
What are you doing?!
My hand is cramping up!
I ate too much glue!
Andy, Ollie, come here.
Listen, I'm pushing you because
you've got talent, babies.
And I'm gonna take care of you,
oh, you better believe it.
But first you've got
to make some money for mommy.
Okay, babies?
You, too, red.
What's your name, sweetheart?
Devin McJim...
Shut up!
It doesn't matter!
Stop talking!
Start working!
Work! Shells go
in the middle!
Here you go.
One-of-a-kind original.
Help support these poor,
deformed orphans.
20 bucks.
Dad's pissed.
That's a take five.
For me! Not you!
Oh, look, everyone,
the town pornographer.
Can it, Edith.
I'm here to get an apology.
For what, standing up
for artistic integrity
and common decency?
There's nothing decent
about what you did.
First you tried to tell me
what to put on my walls,
then you vandalised it.
Have you no shame?
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
And neither does he.
What?
Hit her, dad!
I'm not gonna hit her, Louise.
Hit her, dad!
Gene?
Tina? What are you
two doing here?
Learning to paint.
We're honing our craft.
Okay, well, good luck
trying to Polish a turd.
Wait, I thought
you hated my kids.
My artwork shop is open
to all who respect art.
So I'll have to
ask you to leave.
Then ask me.
Please leave.
Not before I get an apology.
Not on your life!
Have it your way, art lady!
Hey.
Poke her in the eye
with the brush.
Oh, I've got
a better idea, Louise.
Ha-ha-ha!
Take that!
Dad, what is that?
It's an anus.
Oh...
What else would it be?
What has this been all about?
You call that an anus?
It looks just like a black dot!
What kind of anus is that?
Oh!
Well, then, Harold,
it looks like I'll need
to practice a little more.
I'll say.
How about one right here!
And what about here!
Ow!
This one might need an anus!
Aah!
How about this lighthouse!
It has an anus now!
Looking good, dad.
Thanks, teen.
Rip that lighthouse
a new one, dad!
I feel so alive!
This is what God must feel like.
Kids, tell your mother
not to wait up!
Use the brown!
Use the brown!
You should've seen it, mom.
Dad went nuts!
Aw, Bobby, what'd you do?
I got justice, Lin.
Dad painted an anus
on a lighthouse.
Yeah.
And on a Mountain
and on a sunset
and on a sailboat...
And on Dr. yap.
And Ken.
Yeah, I'm sorry I painted
on your paintings, kids.
They were in the line of fire.
You painted anuses on paintings?
Where's Gayle?
I got to tell her
how I stood up for her.
She's in the basement trying to get
the underwear off her paintings.
You shouldn't have done it, Bob.
Are you kidding, Lin?
It's the best thing
I've ever done in my life.
Ow.
See,
that's how you put on handcuffs.
They don't look
tight enough to me.
Why are these on me?
Because you anally
defaced her property.
But she started it...
look what she did.
Oh. I like the new direction
and wish I could take credit.
But like I said,
I had nothing to do with it.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
I'm pressing charges.
We're gonna take this to court!
Wait, now you're charging her?
This is confusing.
Is dad going to jail?
I'll wait for you.
Word of advice, dad:
Don't tell your cell mate
what you're in for.
I hope our new dad is a blond.
I can't take it anymore!
Edith didn't paint
the underwear! I did it!
What? You painted
all those underpants, Linda?
Oh, I couldn't help it.
Those anuses were haunting me
in my sleep.
Anus! Anus! Anus!
No...!
You were the one who said
we had to support your sister.
I did support her,
until I figured out
a way to destroy her art while
preserving her feelings
and blaming someone else.
I thought those looked familiar.
Oh, yeah!
Mom! You painted
your own underwear!
What? How do you know
what my underwear looks like?
How don't I know?
She wears it around the house,
flaunting it,
like she's all that.
I do not!
Okay, Bobby, let's go to jail.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Can't I...
Edith, can't I just pay
for the paintings?
Well, the retail value
of what you destroyed
was over a thousand dollars!
We'll give you $200.
We haven't sold a burger
all week, Lin.
We don't have
that kind of money.
I got this one, dad.
Are we good here?
Fine!
We'll take it.
Me and you can settle up later.
Where the hell'd you get
all that money from?
Shh. Don't ask,
don't ask.
It's art crawl.
But...
Shh! Shh, shh, shh, shh,
shut your mouth. It's art crawl.
What... but I...
Shh! Shut your mouth.
But the m...
Shut your mouth.
I...
I said shut your mouth.
It's art crawl.
Come on, Harold, let's
get out of this ass parlour.
It stinks!
O-okay.
You know, Linda, none
of this would have happened
if you'd just been
honest with your sister.
It's true, mom.
I've been honest
with these two
since the day gene got fat.
I remember the ice cream
sandwich that did it.
I regret nothing!
And Tina...
bad breath every day.
Not if you like fish.
See how tough they are?
We've been desensitised.
I'm so numb.
All right, from now on,
I'm going to be honest
with my sister.
She deserves to know the truth.
I did it! I did it!
I fixed all the paintings!
I added pants
and huge, pendulous breasts.
Oh, I'm so excited!
I think it's my best work ever.
What do you think?
I'm not hearing anything.
Oh, my God.
Gayle, it's beautiful.
They're great. They look great.
Great. Great!
They're great!
Fantastic!
Yes, they are...
Yeah, look at that!
Very, very...
I knew it!
I knew they were great!
Here, you hang these,
and I'm gonna go back down
and finish the rest of 'em.
Oh, I couldn't do it.
I wouldn't have done it.
There's exceptions
to the honesty policy.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, Lin,
you did the right thing.
Oh, thank you for supporting me.
I want to hug
each and every one of you!
Come here, all of you!
Come on! All right.
Oh, I love my family!
I love you!
Let me out of your love jail!
Do you think she's coming back?
I don't know.
I'm so cold.
Cut me open and crawl inside me.
One of us should live.
Okay.
Mama's comin' back,
and mama better
see some paintings!