Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Spaghetti Western and Meatballs - full transcript
The "Burn Unit" is suspended when Bob sees "Banjo," a spaghetti western on TV. Bob asks Gene to join him and Louise; the youngest child is not amused. Tina is a member of Wagstaff School's Conflict Resolution Club, A.B.S. The club asks Bob's Burgers to provide spaghetti and meatballs for its upcoming fundraiser; and Linda is so proud. Gene can find neither a banjo nor a harmonica but Louise's pink guitar gives him confidence to thwart a bully at school. When the younger kids end up with detention and the Belchers are banned from the fund raiser, there may be no dinner for anyone in Sweetwater... unless Bob shows his A.B.S.
Okay. Burn Unit, commence.
You go first.
Oh, I play soccer,
'cause I forgot I have hands.
Burn! I'm on the news
because I have a huge head
Burn! I can't outrun a lawn
mower 'cause my dress is so tight.
- Oh! I'm dead.
- Burn!
- ♪♪ [WESTERN]
- Whoa. It's Banjo.
- Oh, I'm a cowboy, and I got-
- Wait, wait, wait.
Suspend Burn Unit.
This is a great movie.
It's a spaghetti western-
the best one-underappreciated.
- He plays a banjo.
- ♪♪ [STRUMS CHORD]
- Yeah, I can see that.
- They made a whole bunch of these.
Dad. Do we have anything
bigger than this?
- Oh, Gene. What did you do?
- Nothing yet.
Just planning ahead.
What are you guys watching?
[BULLET' RICOCHETING]
Nothing. Go back to bed.
The Burn Unit is
just me and Dad.
[GUNFIRE]
Whoa! Did he just shoot
bullets out of his banjo?
- Yes.
- Damn!
Oh, you like that, Gene? 'Cause
we're changing the channel.
No, no! Let's watch it. This is
pretty much the beginning.
- What?
- Gene, sit here.
[SHOUTS] What?
[GRUNTS]
It's like pushing a
couch off the couch! Yah!
Here. Hold my plunger.
- Yah!
- ' [THUGS]
[GENE]
Ow!
Ah! We are just so thrilled that
you chose us to cater the event.
Mom. Mom. Fill me up.
I just hope we can live
up to last year's event.
Mom.
- That Colleen Caviello-
- Mom!
She really outdid herself... and
never lets anyone forget about it.
Just fill up the little mug.
- Ouch.
- Right. Right, right. [LAUGHING]
Okay, Mr. Frond.
Good-bye. Good-bye.
So, What are we catering?
That sounded promising.
Oh, it's a real big deal, Bobby.
It's a fund-raiser for Tina's
Conflict Resolution Club.
Colleen Caviello made
the food last year.
This year she can
go... blow a balloon.
Yay! You're catering
our fund-raiser.
- That's great. How much does it pay?
- Nothin'.
- Nothing?
- It's a benefit, Bobby.
- It's a spaghetti dinner.
- But we don't make spaghetti.
This is school fund-raising, Bob.
It's a pasta game.
You make spaghetti,
or you go home.
Besides, it's for a good cause.
Oh, yeah-to one-up, uh, Colleen
Caviello. That's a-That's a great cause.
You weren't there, Bob! You
don't know how awful it was.
[VOICE SLOWED DOWN]
This is delicious.
Oh, my God, I love this ziti.
[LAUGHING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
They love my ziti.
And that was the
worst day of my life.
Anyway, this isn't about Colleen
This is about 77?-;A.
We're raising money
to buy a bulletproof trash can...
so gang members can
finally throw out their guns.
Aw.
And we're teaching conflict resolution
skills you can use in your own lives.
That's right, Tina. And Mr.
Frond is runnin' the whole thing.
Ugh. Mr. Frond?
He's a tall drink of... annoying.
That may be true, but you're
gonna drink that drink, mister!
I don't want to.
I have worked too hard
to get us this event...
so you'll be nice to Frond, and
you'll make spaghetti and meatballs!
- No.
- Yes.
- No!
- ' Yes!
I'm gonna half-ass it.
- Yay.
- Dad, check it out.
- Little Princess Guitar.
- Gene, that's mine!
You never use it. I'm like Banjo.
- What's the bad guy's name?
- Ceviche.
Ceviche, yeah. He reminds me
of this kid at school-Choo-Choo.
- Choo-Choo?
- Yeah. He's kind of my nemesis.
If I'm telling a joke, he'll say
the punch line before I do.
Vampire walks into a bar
and says, "I'll have a-"
- I'll have a blood lite.
- Huh?
What do you calla Spanish guy
with a rubber toe?
- Ruberto!
- Ruber-[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]
What kind of bees make milk?
- Boo-bees!
- Boo-bees! [SCREAMS]
So, I'm gonna use this guitar...
- to stand up to Choo-Choo like Banjo.
- ♪ [CHORD] ♪
That's, uh-That's great, Gene.
- But I think your face is wrong.
- My face is wrong?
Yeah, you should do
the Banjo icy stare.
Like this?
[LAUGHS]
N-No. Not like that.
- [GROWLING]
- No, no, no. Don't growl.
- Like this?
- Hmm. Maybe try that.
- Is Choo-Choo scared of stroke victims?
- Terrified!
[MAN]
♪ Banjo, Banjo ♪
Hey, Gene, Gene.
"How do you plead?"
"I'm innocent."
"Your fingerprints were all over
the murder weapon!"
“I don't have fingers."
"Your Honour!"
- I don't have time for this.
- What?
You don't have time for Food
Court? Where are you going?
Hey. Wanna hear a good one?
- [GROANS]
- What's green and sings?
Go ahead. Do it.
- El-
- ♪ [CHORD] ♪
- Elvis P-
- }; [CHORD]
- Elvis Par-
- Ah!
- Forget it.
- I'll tell you what's green and sings.
- Elvis Parsley.
- [LAUGHING]
You don't say the punch lines to
other people's jokes anymore!
- You got that, poo-poo?
- ♪ [CHORD] ♪
- [LAUGHING]
- What the hell?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you, everyone. Thank you.
Anyway-Gene, look. They're
about to announce the verdict.
Guilty!” “No;
"Take him away!"
Gene, where are you going?
“What's up with Gene?” I don't
know, lasagne. I don't know.
You know, cooking spaghetti
isn't even cooking.
It's just, like, boiling water
- Hey, Bobby, can I come to this thing?
- Uh, I don't think so.
Why not? Some of these
moms are divorced, right?
They meet me, I
meet their kids...
maybe throw the ball around-
not inside, but-
Uh, we agreed, no more
school events for you, Teddy.
- Hey, Dad. Guess what?
- What?
I acted like Banjo
and took Choo-Choo down.
♪ [CHORD] ♪
- Everyone laughed.
- Well, one kid laughed.
Peter Pescadero.
He has a learning disability.
Yeah, but he knows what's funny.
Now that you've stood up for
yourself-oh, congratulations, Gene-
can we stop talking about it?
[CHUCKLING]
Okay, tonight, I propose, Dad...
that after everyone else
goes to bed-Gene-
we fire up the Burn Unit and
we watch Canine Criminals...
and then that stretching show...
and then maybe
a little Beetlejuice in español
Beetlejugo. Beetlejugo.
Beetlejugo. Ayayayay
I Would, except a certain
best dad in the world...
Went out and got this!
It's the complete Banjo box set!
All 12 DVDs and over
28 hours of extras.
Yeah!
Twenty-eight hours? Dad, can
I see that fork for a minute?
- Um, here.
- Thank you.
And I just want to-[SHOUTING]
Hey. Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
No!
,/', /' [BANJO CHORD]
Best part right here, Gene.
There's only gonna be two shots-
me shootin' you, and then me
drinkin' this shot of whiskey.
- [GUNSHOT]
- [PUTS SHOT GLASS ON TABLE]
- Wow.
- Oh, What a line!
Go ahead, watch
your stupid movie.
There are other people for me
to hang out with around here.
Tina, get up. Let's hang out.
Okay. Maybe we can practice
conflict resolution.
Say something mean to me
so I can not react.
- Anything I want?
- Yeah.
Ha-ha! Well, your
room looks like...
it was decorated by
a perverted jockey.
When you say that, What I feel is
that you're trying to hurt my feelings.
Oh, my God. [SPEAKING SLOWLY]
Why do you talk so slow?
When you say that, What I feel is
that you're trying... Oh, man, Tina.
- This is really, really boring.
- Okay. Well-
- Hey, Mom, you want to hang out?
- Oh, I'd love that!
Aw, mother-daughter
bonding time.
Just like me and my mother.
Oh! Makeover!
Mmm.
Okay, my little cowpokes.
Time for school.
You can watch the rest tonight.
- Mom! How could you?
- How could I what?
How could you encourage this?
Oh, Louise, don't be a pill.
A little father-son bonding is going
on here, and that's a good thing.
These two don't
always do it so well.
- Tambourine solo!
- ♪♪ [ELECTRONIC BEATS]
Eesh.
[WATER LAPPING]
All right. This is how you
throw a spiral. You ready?
- Here comes a bullet.
- Hmm.
Oh, stupid ball!
It's 'cause there's no laces.
- I'm hungry.
- All right, we're done. Go inside.
I want peanut butter!
It turns out we bond better...
over movies that I like to Watch...
that I make Gene Watch.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's-that's adorable.
- I'm going to school.
- Good.
Great. Why don't you learn
something and become a lawyer.
ABS-
the conflict resolution program
sweeping our school.
You all know my system,
and at the spaghetti dinner...
so will your parents
or legal guardians-
um, Becky, 'cause
your mom's in jail.
Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy
Jr., let's rehearse.
Becky, you just Watch.
Tina here just found out that her
best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy Jr...
that Tina is "wack."
And... acting.
Tina, Jocelyn told
me you are wack.
Jocelyn, you skank. I hate you.
Whatever. It's true.
You are wack.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
And... freeze!
Well, that resolved nothing.
Let's rewind, shall we?
[IMITATING VOICES
SPEAKING BACKWARDS]
Let's work out our ABS.
“A”! Access your feelings!
When you gossiped about me
to Jimmy Jr., it hurt my feelings.
Be apologetic!
Sorry.
Us-H slap it!
Well done. Do it just
like that at the dinner.
- [BELL RINGING]
- Oh, enjoy your lunch, everyone.
If you ever gossip about me
to Jimmy Jr...
outside of a conflict resolution
skit, I'll punch you in the face.
It was just a skit, Tina.
I will punch you
again and again...
and again and again and again-
- My God. What a psycho.
- And again and again...
and again and again and-
Well, the important thing is,
I shared this movie with Gene...
and it helped him
stand up for himself at school.
Eh, I beat up a lot of kids like
Gene when I was his age.
Not that I was a bully. Just kids like
Gene, you know, they get beat up.
Bob, how are the
meatballs comin'?
- 'Cause they need to be perfect.
- [BELL RINGS]
Hey! It's just like your
burgers, only spherical!
Hey!
- “Hey” what?
- They're not for you!
They're for me to show off in front
of the other moms at the fund-raiser.
Bobby, make one extra big
for Colleen Caviello to choke on.
Okay.
All right. Looks like I'm
sitting with you today.
Here's the pecking order.
Me, then either of you.
Which sticker do you like better-my
purple ladybug or Susie's red one?
And good-bye.
Hey there, spew-spew.
Funny seeing you here.
In the cafeteria during lunch?
- Yeah!
- ♪ [CHORD]
- Why do you keep doing that?
- Keep doing what?
- ♪ [CHORD]
- You're weird!
Weird? I think you
mean "antihero."
- Look at the hat.
- It's Mom's sun hat, you dork.
You like finishing my jokes?
[MUNCHING]
Well, finish my food.
Gene, you are being
a class-act jerk!
This is all about jokes
from your stupid joke book.
You've insulted Jokes for Blokes
for the last time.
- Mmm.
- Oh, don't you even think about it, Gene.
[GRUNTS]
Food fight!
[GRUNTING, SHOUTING]
[MEN]
♪ Food... fight ♪
♪ Food... fight ♪
No!
♪ Food fight ♪♪
And these two, Bob,
were throwing at each other.
- I hate you.
- I hate you.
They seem to be in conflict.
I'm sure we can,
uh, work through it.
I'd like you to take
a look at my ABS.
Um, no, thank you.
Show him your ABS, Mr. Frond.
- We'd all like to see your ABS.
- Okay.
- I really don't.
- And your ding-dong.
Gene.
Gene, why don't you Access...
how it makes you feel
that Louise is angry with you?
- Fine.
- ♪ [CHORD]
- That's all I'm gonna say.
- Well, this is all I'm gonna say.
Hi-yah!
[GRUNTS]
- Let go of my-
- H-Hey.
L-Louise? Louise, Louise?
You're not using your ABS.
- Um, this is dumb.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Bob.
- Yes.
When you say “this is dumb”...
it makes me feel
like pinching you in the eye.
[LAUGHS]
Why did you do that?
So we can resolve this and set a
good example for your children!
Okay. I will now
kick you in the shin.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Okay.
- All right.
- ♪ [CHORD]
- Hey! Don't throw Repressed Memory Emily!
- She won't remember this.
Well, this is really working out, Mr.
Frond. Your system is amazing.
- Oh! No, no. No, no, no.
- We're gonna go.
You know What I forgot to
say? Detention! Detention!
And you-I am gonna out you!
I'm gonna out you out of the
Conflict Resolution Spaghetti Dinner!
- Wha-Oh, come on. You can't-
- Too late!
The Conflict Resolution Spaghetti Dinner
will now be a Conflict Resolution Fast.
Well, that didn't go so well.
- Mm-mmm.
- Yeah, he seemed angry.
- Frothy.
- And kind of bloated, right?
- Mmm.
- Maybe he's dehydrated.
[GROANS]
Your mom is gonna kill me
[FROND] So glad we had
a chance to talk this out!
' [SHOUTS]
' [THUDS]
Emily, I'm sorry!
Detention? And we're banned from
catering the Peace Club dinner!
- Bobby!
- I'm sorry, Lin. I-
I can't even tell you how many favours
I had to call in to cater that thing!
- How many?
- Two!
Tina, you're supposed to
be watching the restaurant!
I'm too upset to serve food.
- Wh-What'd you do? Did you lock up?
- Yes.
- Were there customers inside?
- I don't know.
No one's gonna come
to the fund-raiser now.
- Good job, Bobby!
- It's not my fault, Lin.
- It was Mr. Fronds fault.
- And Louise's.
And Gene's! And most
of all, that stupid movie!
- Hey!
- Hey, don't blame the movie.
- Leave Bingo out of this!
- Shut up!
- All of you!
- [BOB] Banjo.
I'm looking these movies
in my jewellery drawer.
- [BOB] Aw, come on.
- 'Bout time.
- You're overreacting, Lin.
- The hell I am!
I'm in charge of a spaghetti dinner
that's not gonna have any spaghetti!
- If we all just worked on our ABS-
- Not now with that crap, Tina!
"[HEADPHONES." DANCE POP]
I can't believe I got detention.
I can't believe I got detention.
If I were you, I would teach
Gene a lesson he'll never forget.
I had a perfect record,
and then you tainted it.
Taint.
Looks like you got Choo-Choo
right where you want him.
Just give him that icy stare with
some Little Princess and finish him.
You want a little of this?
[SHAKY BREATHING]
Oh. Oh, yeah. He wants it.
- Now give him the icy stare.
- [GROWLING]
- Put him in his place.
- You're dead!
Quiet!
[MAN, FALSETTO] ♪ Do-do-do,
sexual, Sexual, do-do-do ♪
Okay, well, I'm gonna go get
Gene and Louise from Detention
Great! Bring some meatballs!
Got plenty of meatballs-all
dressed up and nowhere to go.
Mmm. Ah, meatball. Mmm.
- All right. I'm gonna leave.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Gene, this happens now!
Uh, how are we doing this?
- Staring contest?
- [ROARING]
- Joke-off?
- Kick his ass, Choo-Choo!
Why are their
shirts off? Oh, boy.
I didn't want to do this. I haven't
even pressed the blue button yet.
- I don't even know What sound it-
- [FEROCIOUS SHOUTING]
[SCREAMING]
- Stop. There's not gonna be a fight.
- Oh, thank God.
Let me go! This train
is off the tracks!
Choo-Choo!
Oh, I get the name now.
I always thought it was 'cause of how
he chewed. 'Cause he chews like a train.
- Hey, calm down.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Let's go home, Gene.
- You touching my kid?
- Sorry. What?
- I said, you touchin' my kid?
- Oh, he was attacking my kid.
- Oh, yeah? Good.
What is going on
with the shirts?
I'm gonna beat your ass so bad,
I can skip the gym tonight.
- Dad, this is bad.
- [BOYS] Fight! Fight!
Thank you, Louise.
I have it under control.
- This happens now!
- [CHOO-CHOO] Kill him!
- [FEROCIOUS SCREAM]
- [BOB] Run!
I can't. I've got this friggin'
guitar around my neck!
[CHOO-CHOO]
Ha!
[CHAINS SQUEAKING]
- [RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
- [WHIMPERING]
- [BOB] Oh, Gene, push down.
- I'm trying.
- [SIGHS] All right.
- [LOUISE] Ow.
All right. Just so we're clear,
we're not hiding from those guys.
We're respectfully declining
their invitation for a fight, okay?
Right. No, thank you.
I would absolutely get into a fight
under the right circumstances if-
[SNIFFS]
What's that smell?
- Oh, Gene!
- Gene!
- I'm sorry!
- Hey! Shh, shh. I hear them.
- [GASPS] They're coming.
- Real-You-You hear them?
- Gotcha. [LAUGHS]
- Louise, enough!
You've been stirring the pot for
three days and acting like a baby.
Now, you owe your brother an
apology for getting him in trouble.
Me'? Both of you
owe me an apology
Both of us? Why? Because
we Wanted to watch Banjo?
Because you stopped
hanging out with me.
- What?
- Shh. Use your slide voices.
First, the Burn Unit
stopped hanging out.
Then the Lunch Bunch
stopped hanging out.
God, we have lame names.
Who the hell am I gonna
hang around if not you two?
Mom and Tina, the
Menstruation Nation?
Ugh! That's a really bad name.
You're all I've got.
- Louise, I'm sorry.
- Me too. Don't cry.
Ha! Got you. You thought
I was really crying.
- [SNIFFLES] Gross.
- [FARTS]
Gene, stop! Oh, my God!
I can't help it. It's anxiety.
- And turkey jerky.
- It's so incredible.
- Your farts smell like mine.
- Really?
Oh, great.
Are you guys bonding again?
[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, but
that's a huge discovery.
A fart is like a fingerprint, and
we have the same fingerprints.
- High five. Put your hand up.
- Ugh!
All right.
I swear my farts smell
like your farts, Dad.
- I don't think so, Louise.
- Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- [SMALL FART]
- Huh?
No. That smells like your mom's
No!
Oh, your mom.
What are we gonna do
about Mom and Tina?
- They could live in here with us!
- I think I know a better way.
[CHATTERING]
I'm starving. How embarrassing.
Guess people will be talking about
my baked ziti for another year.
[MIMICKING] Guess people Will be talking
about my baked ziti for another year.
- Oh, Linda, I didn't see you.
- Hi, Coll.
How are you?
Uh-
Thank you. Tonight, with your
help, we raised over $100.
- [INAUDIBLE]
- It was 110.
I Warned you, skank!
[GROWLS, GRUNTING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa! Girls, please.
- It's not time for the skit.
- This isn't a skit. This is real life.
Last year, the only fighting
was to get seconds on my ziti.
Okay, that's it, Colleen!
Let me tell you about that ziti.
That sauce was store-bought,
and you know it!
- [CROWD GASPING]
- Ladies, please!
I thought I told you, Bob-
You and your spaghetti
aren't welcome here.
- But I want to say something.
- No, thank you.
I've had enough of
your... hurt speech.
Would it make a difference
if I... worked on my ABS?
- Oh.
- I want to...
“A "- What was “A" again?
- Anus.
- Amyl nitrate.
Access-I wanna
access my feelings.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Enough, enough, enough.
Everyone's about to kill each
other here. Let's-Let's eat!
[LINDA]
All right!
Meatballs! Meatballs!
Get your meatballs here!
And spaghetti.
Hmm?
Here, Colleen. Why don't you
put these balls in your face?
- [LOUISE] Food fight!
- [FROND] No, no, no, no, no! No!
[MAN]
♪ Banjo, Banjo ♪
♪ Doesn't play it for fun ♪
♪ He's just hiding his gun ♪
♪ Banjo, Banjo ♪
♪ His chaps made of leather
even in hot weather ♪
- ♪ Banjo ♪
- [WHISPERING] He's comin', gunnin' for ya.
- ♪ Banjo ♪
- He's comin', strummin' for ya.
♪ You can try to talk ♪
♪ But he don't
give a pluck ♪
- ♪ Banjo ♪
- He's comin', gunnin' for ya.
- ♪ Banjo ♪
- He's comin', strummin' for ya.
♪ He's strumming for you-♪♪
You go first.
Oh, I play soccer,
'cause I forgot I have hands.
Burn! I'm on the news
because I have a huge head
Burn! I can't outrun a lawn
mower 'cause my dress is so tight.
- Oh! I'm dead.
- Burn!
- ♪♪ [WESTERN]
- Whoa. It's Banjo.
- Oh, I'm a cowboy, and I got-
- Wait, wait, wait.
Suspend Burn Unit.
This is a great movie.
It's a spaghetti western-
the best one-underappreciated.
- He plays a banjo.
- ♪♪ [STRUMS CHORD]
- Yeah, I can see that.
- They made a whole bunch of these.
Dad. Do we have anything
bigger than this?
- Oh, Gene. What did you do?
- Nothing yet.
Just planning ahead.
What are you guys watching?
[BULLET' RICOCHETING]
Nothing. Go back to bed.
The Burn Unit is
just me and Dad.
[GUNFIRE]
Whoa! Did he just shoot
bullets out of his banjo?
- Yes.
- Damn!
Oh, you like that, Gene? 'Cause
we're changing the channel.
No, no! Let's watch it. This is
pretty much the beginning.
- What?
- Gene, sit here.
[SHOUTS] What?
[GRUNTS]
It's like pushing a
couch off the couch! Yah!
Here. Hold my plunger.
- Yah!
- ' [THUGS]
[GENE]
Ow!
Ah! We are just so thrilled that
you chose us to cater the event.
Mom. Mom. Fill me up.
I just hope we can live
up to last year's event.
Mom.
- That Colleen Caviello-
- Mom!
She really outdid herself... and
never lets anyone forget about it.
Just fill up the little mug.
- Ouch.
- Right. Right, right. [LAUGHING]
Okay, Mr. Frond.
Good-bye. Good-bye.
So, What are we catering?
That sounded promising.
Oh, it's a real big deal, Bobby.
It's a fund-raiser for Tina's
Conflict Resolution Club.
Colleen Caviello made
the food last year.
This year she can
go... blow a balloon.
Yay! You're catering
our fund-raiser.
- That's great. How much does it pay?
- Nothin'.
- Nothing?
- It's a benefit, Bobby.
- It's a spaghetti dinner.
- But we don't make spaghetti.
This is school fund-raising, Bob.
It's a pasta game.
You make spaghetti,
or you go home.
Besides, it's for a good cause.
Oh, yeah-to one-up, uh, Colleen
Caviello. That's a-That's a great cause.
You weren't there, Bob! You
don't know how awful it was.
[VOICE SLOWED DOWN]
This is delicious.
Oh, my God, I love this ziti.
[LAUGHING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
They love my ziti.
And that was the
worst day of my life.
Anyway, this isn't about Colleen
This is about 77?-;A.
We're raising money
to buy a bulletproof trash can...
so gang members can
finally throw out their guns.
Aw.
And we're teaching conflict resolution
skills you can use in your own lives.
That's right, Tina. And Mr.
Frond is runnin' the whole thing.
Ugh. Mr. Frond?
He's a tall drink of... annoying.
That may be true, but you're
gonna drink that drink, mister!
I don't want to.
I have worked too hard
to get us this event...
so you'll be nice to Frond, and
you'll make spaghetti and meatballs!
- No.
- Yes.
- No!
- ' Yes!
I'm gonna half-ass it.
- Yay.
- Dad, check it out.
- Little Princess Guitar.
- Gene, that's mine!
You never use it. I'm like Banjo.
- What's the bad guy's name?
- Ceviche.
Ceviche, yeah. He reminds me
of this kid at school-Choo-Choo.
- Choo-Choo?
- Yeah. He's kind of my nemesis.
If I'm telling a joke, he'll say
the punch line before I do.
Vampire walks into a bar
and says, "I'll have a-"
- I'll have a blood lite.
- Huh?
What do you calla Spanish guy
with a rubber toe?
- Ruberto!
- Ruber-[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]
What kind of bees make milk?
- Boo-bees!
- Boo-bees! [SCREAMS]
So, I'm gonna use this guitar...
- to stand up to Choo-Choo like Banjo.
- ♪ [CHORD] ♪
That's, uh-That's great, Gene.
- But I think your face is wrong.
- My face is wrong?
Yeah, you should do
the Banjo icy stare.
Like this?
[LAUGHS]
N-No. Not like that.
- [GROWLING]
- No, no, no. Don't growl.
- Like this?
- Hmm. Maybe try that.
- Is Choo-Choo scared of stroke victims?
- Terrified!
[MAN]
♪ Banjo, Banjo ♪
Hey, Gene, Gene.
"How do you plead?"
"I'm innocent."
"Your fingerprints were all over
the murder weapon!"
“I don't have fingers."
"Your Honour!"
- I don't have time for this.
- What?
You don't have time for Food
Court? Where are you going?
Hey. Wanna hear a good one?
- [GROANS]
- What's green and sings?
Go ahead. Do it.
- El-
- ♪ [CHORD] ♪
- Elvis P-
- }; [CHORD]
- Elvis Par-
- Ah!
- Forget it.
- I'll tell you what's green and sings.
- Elvis Parsley.
- [LAUGHING]
You don't say the punch lines to
other people's jokes anymore!
- You got that, poo-poo?
- ♪ [CHORD] ♪
- [LAUGHING]
- What the hell?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you, everyone. Thank you.
Anyway-Gene, look. They're
about to announce the verdict.
Guilty!” “No;
"Take him away!"
Gene, where are you going?
“What's up with Gene?” I don't
know, lasagne. I don't know.
You know, cooking spaghetti
isn't even cooking.
It's just, like, boiling water
- Hey, Bobby, can I come to this thing?
- Uh, I don't think so.
Why not? Some of these
moms are divorced, right?
They meet me, I
meet their kids...
maybe throw the ball around-
not inside, but-
Uh, we agreed, no more
school events for you, Teddy.
- Hey, Dad. Guess what?
- What?
I acted like Banjo
and took Choo-Choo down.
♪ [CHORD] ♪
- Everyone laughed.
- Well, one kid laughed.
Peter Pescadero.
He has a learning disability.
Yeah, but he knows what's funny.
Now that you've stood up for
yourself-oh, congratulations, Gene-
can we stop talking about it?
[CHUCKLING]
Okay, tonight, I propose, Dad...
that after everyone else
goes to bed-Gene-
we fire up the Burn Unit and
we watch Canine Criminals...
and then that stretching show...
and then maybe
a little Beetlejuice in español
Beetlejugo. Beetlejugo.
Beetlejugo. Ayayayay
I Would, except a certain
best dad in the world...
Went out and got this!
It's the complete Banjo box set!
All 12 DVDs and over
28 hours of extras.
Yeah!
Twenty-eight hours? Dad, can
I see that fork for a minute?
- Um, here.
- Thank you.
And I just want to-[SHOUTING]
Hey. Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
No!
,/', /' [BANJO CHORD]
Best part right here, Gene.
There's only gonna be two shots-
me shootin' you, and then me
drinkin' this shot of whiskey.
- [GUNSHOT]
- [PUTS SHOT GLASS ON TABLE]
- Wow.
- Oh, What a line!
Go ahead, watch
your stupid movie.
There are other people for me
to hang out with around here.
Tina, get up. Let's hang out.
Okay. Maybe we can practice
conflict resolution.
Say something mean to me
so I can not react.
- Anything I want?
- Yeah.
Ha-ha! Well, your
room looks like...
it was decorated by
a perverted jockey.
When you say that, What I feel is
that you're trying to hurt my feelings.
Oh, my God. [SPEAKING SLOWLY]
Why do you talk so slow?
When you say that, What I feel is
that you're trying... Oh, man, Tina.
- This is really, really boring.
- Okay. Well-
- Hey, Mom, you want to hang out?
- Oh, I'd love that!
Aw, mother-daughter
bonding time.
Just like me and my mother.
Oh! Makeover!
Mmm.
Okay, my little cowpokes.
Time for school.
You can watch the rest tonight.
- Mom! How could you?
- How could I what?
How could you encourage this?
Oh, Louise, don't be a pill.
A little father-son bonding is going
on here, and that's a good thing.
These two don't
always do it so well.
- Tambourine solo!
- ♪♪ [ELECTRONIC BEATS]
Eesh.
[WATER LAPPING]
All right. This is how you
throw a spiral. You ready?
- Here comes a bullet.
- Hmm.
Oh, stupid ball!
It's 'cause there's no laces.
- I'm hungry.
- All right, we're done. Go inside.
I want peanut butter!
It turns out we bond better...
over movies that I like to Watch...
that I make Gene Watch.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's-that's adorable.
- I'm going to school.
- Good.
Great. Why don't you learn
something and become a lawyer.
ABS-
the conflict resolution program
sweeping our school.
You all know my system,
and at the spaghetti dinner...
so will your parents
or legal guardians-
um, Becky, 'cause
your mom's in jail.
Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy
Jr., let's rehearse.
Becky, you just Watch.
Tina here just found out that her
best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy Jr...
that Tina is "wack."
And... acting.
Tina, Jocelyn told
me you are wack.
Jocelyn, you skank. I hate you.
Whatever. It's true.
You are wack.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
And... freeze!
Well, that resolved nothing.
Let's rewind, shall we?
[IMITATING VOICES
SPEAKING BACKWARDS]
Let's work out our ABS.
“A”! Access your feelings!
When you gossiped about me
to Jimmy Jr., it hurt my feelings.
Be apologetic!
Sorry.
Us-H slap it!
Well done. Do it just
like that at the dinner.
- [BELL RINGING]
- Oh, enjoy your lunch, everyone.
If you ever gossip about me
to Jimmy Jr...
outside of a conflict resolution
skit, I'll punch you in the face.
It was just a skit, Tina.
I will punch you
again and again...
and again and again and again-
- My God. What a psycho.
- And again and again...
and again and again and-
Well, the important thing is,
I shared this movie with Gene...
and it helped him
stand up for himself at school.
Eh, I beat up a lot of kids like
Gene when I was his age.
Not that I was a bully. Just kids like
Gene, you know, they get beat up.
Bob, how are the
meatballs comin'?
- 'Cause they need to be perfect.
- [BELL RINGS]
Hey! It's just like your
burgers, only spherical!
Hey!
- “Hey” what?
- They're not for you!
They're for me to show off in front
of the other moms at the fund-raiser.
Bobby, make one extra big
for Colleen Caviello to choke on.
Okay.
All right. Looks like I'm
sitting with you today.
Here's the pecking order.
Me, then either of you.
Which sticker do you like better-my
purple ladybug or Susie's red one?
And good-bye.
Hey there, spew-spew.
Funny seeing you here.
In the cafeteria during lunch?
- Yeah!
- ♪ [CHORD]
- Why do you keep doing that?
- Keep doing what?
- ♪ [CHORD]
- You're weird!
Weird? I think you
mean "antihero."
- Look at the hat.
- It's Mom's sun hat, you dork.
You like finishing my jokes?
[MUNCHING]
Well, finish my food.
Gene, you are being
a class-act jerk!
This is all about jokes
from your stupid joke book.
You've insulted Jokes for Blokes
for the last time.
- Mmm.
- Oh, don't you even think about it, Gene.
[GRUNTS]
Food fight!
[GRUNTING, SHOUTING]
[MEN]
♪ Food... fight ♪
♪ Food... fight ♪
No!
♪ Food fight ♪♪
And these two, Bob,
were throwing at each other.
- I hate you.
- I hate you.
They seem to be in conflict.
I'm sure we can,
uh, work through it.
I'd like you to take
a look at my ABS.
Um, no, thank you.
Show him your ABS, Mr. Frond.
- We'd all like to see your ABS.
- Okay.
- I really don't.
- And your ding-dong.
Gene.
Gene, why don't you Access...
how it makes you feel
that Louise is angry with you?
- Fine.
- ♪ [CHORD]
- That's all I'm gonna say.
- Well, this is all I'm gonna say.
Hi-yah!
[GRUNTS]
- Let go of my-
- H-Hey.
L-Louise? Louise, Louise?
You're not using your ABS.
- Um, this is dumb.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Bob.
- Yes.
When you say “this is dumb”...
it makes me feel
like pinching you in the eye.
[LAUGHS]
Why did you do that?
So we can resolve this and set a
good example for your children!
Okay. I will now
kick you in the shin.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Okay.
- All right.
- ♪ [CHORD]
- Hey! Don't throw Repressed Memory Emily!
- She won't remember this.
Well, this is really working out, Mr.
Frond. Your system is amazing.
- Oh! No, no. No, no, no.
- We're gonna go.
You know What I forgot to
say? Detention! Detention!
And you-I am gonna out you!
I'm gonna out you out of the
Conflict Resolution Spaghetti Dinner!
- Wha-Oh, come on. You can't-
- Too late!
The Conflict Resolution Spaghetti Dinner
will now be a Conflict Resolution Fast.
Well, that didn't go so well.
- Mm-mmm.
- Yeah, he seemed angry.
- Frothy.
- And kind of bloated, right?
- Mmm.
- Maybe he's dehydrated.
[GROANS]
Your mom is gonna kill me
[FROND] So glad we had
a chance to talk this out!
' [SHOUTS]
' [THUDS]
Emily, I'm sorry!
Detention? And we're banned from
catering the Peace Club dinner!
- Bobby!
- I'm sorry, Lin. I-
I can't even tell you how many favours
I had to call in to cater that thing!
- How many?
- Two!
Tina, you're supposed to
be watching the restaurant!
I'm too upset to serve food.
- Wh-What'd you do? Did you lock up?
- Yes.
- Were there customers inside?
- I don't know.
No one's gonna come
to the fund-raiser now.
- Good job, Bobby!
- It's not my fault, Lin.
- It was Mr. Fronds fault.
- And Louise's.
And Gene's! And most
of all, that stupid movie!
- Hey!
- Hey, don't blame the movie.
- Leave Bingo out of this!
- Shut up!
- All of you!
- [BOB] Banjo.
I'm looking these movies
in my jewellery drawer.
- [BOB] Aw, come on.
- 'Bout time.
- You're overreacting, Lin.
- The hell I am!
I'm in charge of a spaghetti dinner
that's not gonna have any spaghetti!
- If we all just worked on our ABS-
- Not now with that crap, Tina!
"[HEADPHONES." DANCE POP]
I can't believe I got detention.
I can't believe I got detention.
If I were you, I would teach
Gene a lesson he'll never forget.
I had a perfect record,
and then you tainted it.
Taint.
Looks like you got Choo-Choo
right where you want him.
Just give him that icy stare with
some Little Princess and finish him.
You want a little of this?
[SHAKY BREATHING]
Oh. Oh, yeah. He wants it.
- Now give him the icy stare.
- [GROWLING]
- Put him in his place.
- You're dead!
Quiet!
[MAN, FALSETTO] ♪ Do-do-do,
sexual, Sexual, do-do-do ♪
Okay, well, I'm gonna go get
Gene and Louise from Detention
Great! Bring some meatballs!
Got plenty of meatballs-all
dressed up and nowhere to go.
Mmm. Ah, meatball. Mmm.
- All right. I'm gonna leave.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Gene, this happens now!
Uh, how are we doing this?
- Staring contest?
- [ROARING]
- Joke-off?
- Kick his ass, Choo-Choo!
Why are their
shirts off? Oh, boy.
I didn't want to do this. I haven't
even pressed the blue button yet.
- I don't even know What sound it-
- [FEROCIOUS SHOUTING]
[SCREAMING]
- Stop. There's not gonna be a fight.
- Oh, thank God.
Let me go! This train
is off the tracks!
Choo-Choo!
Oh, I get the name now.
I always thought it was 'cause of how
he chewed. 'Cause he chews like a train.
- Hey, calm down.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Let's go home, Gene.
- You touching my kid?
- Sorry. What?
- I said, you touchin' my kid?
- Oh, he was attacking my kid.
- Oh, yeah? Good.
What is going on
with the shirts?
I'm gonna beat your ass so bad,
I can skip the gym tonight.
- Dad, this is bad.
- [BOYS] Fight! Fight!
Thank you, Louise.
I have it under control.
- This happens now!
- [CHOO-CHOO] Kill him!
- [FEROCIOUS SCREAM]
- [BOB] Run!
I can't. I've got this friggin'
guitar around my neck!
[CHOO-CHOO]
Ha!
[CHAINS SQUEAKING]
- [RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
- [WHIMPERING]
- [BOB] Oh, Gene, push down.
- I'm trying.
- [SIGHS] All right.
- [LOUISE] Ow.
All right. Just so we're clear,
we're not hiding from those guys.
We're respectfully declining
their invitation for a fight, okay?
Right. No, thank you.
I would absolutely get into a fight
under the right circumstances if-
[SNIFFS]
What's that smell?
- Oh, Gene!
- Gene!
- I'm sorry!
- Hey! Shh, shh. I hear them.
- [GASPS] They're coming.
- Real-You-You hear them?
- Gotcha. [LAUGHS]
- Louise, enough!
You've been stirring the pot for
three days and acting like a baby.
Now, you owe your brother an
apology for getting him in trouble.
Me'? Both of you
owe me an apology
Both of us? Why? Because
we Wanted to watch Banjo?
Because you stopped
hanging out with me.
- What?
- Shh. Use your slide voices.
First, the Burn Unit
stopped hanging out.
Then the Lunch Bunch
stopped hanging out.
God, we have lame names.
Who the hell am I gonna
hang around if not you two?
Mom and Tina, the
Menstruation Nation?
Ugh! That's a really bad name.
You're all I've got.
- Louise, I'm sorry.
- Me too. Don't cry.
Ha! Got you. You thought
I was really crying.
- [SNIFFLES] Gross.
- [FARTS]
Gene, stop! Oh, my God!
I can't help it. It's anxiety.
- And turkey jerky.
- It's so incredible.
- Your farts smell like mine.
- Really?
Oh, great.
Are you guys bonding again?
[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, but
that's a huge discovery.
A fart is like a fingerprint, and
we have the same fingerprints.
- High five. Put your hand up.
- Ugh!
All right.
I swear my farts smell
like your farts, Dad.
- I don't think so, Louise.
- Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- [SMALL FART]
- Huh?
No. That smells like your mom's
No!
Oh, your mom.
What are we gonna do
about Mom and Tina?
- They could live in here with us!
- I think I know a better way.
[CHATTERING]
I'm starving. How embarrassing.
Guess people will be talking about
my baked ziti for another year.
[MIMICKING] Guess people Will be talking
about my baked ziti for another year.
- Oh, Linda, I didn't see you.
- Hi, Coll.
How are you?
Uh-
Thank you. Tonight, with your
help, we raised over $100.
- [INAUDIBLE]
- It was 110.
I Warned you, skank!
[GROWLS, GRUNTING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa! Girls, please.
- It's not time for the skit.
- This isn't a skit. This is real life.
Last year, the only fighting
was to get seconds on my ziti.
Okay, that's it, Colleen!
Let me tell you about that ziti.
That sauce was store-bought,
and you know it!
- [CROWD GASPING]
- Ladies, please!
I thought I told you, Bob-
You and your spaghetti
aren't welcome here.
- But I want to say something.
- No, thank you.
I've had enough of
your... hurt speech.
Would it make a difference
if I... worked on my ABS?
- Oh.
- I want to...
“A "- What was “A" again?
- Anus.
- Amyl nitrate.
Access-I wanna
access my feelings.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Enough, enough, enough.
Everyone's about to kill each
other here. Let's-Let's eat!
[LINDA]
All right!
Meatballs! Meatballs!
Get your meatballs here!
And spaghetti.
Hmm?
Here, Colleen. Why don't you
put these balls in your face?
- [LOUISE] Food fight!
- [FROND] No, no, no, no, no! No!
[MAN]
♪ Banjo, Banjo ♪
♪ Doesn't play it for fun ♪
♪ He's just hiding his gun ♪
♪ Banjo, Banjo ♪
♪ His chaps made of leather
even in hot weather ♪
- ♪ Banjo ♪
- [WHISPERING] He's comin', gunnin' for ya.
- ♪ Banjo ♪
- He's comin', strummin' for ya.
♪ You can try to talk ♪
♪ But he don't
give a pluck ♪
- ♪ Banjo ♪
- He's comin', gunnin' for ya.
- ♪ Banjo ♪
- He's comin', strummin' for ya.
♪ He's strumming for you-♪♪