Bob & Rose (2001–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Thanks, then.
Any time.
Do you want some?
Sorry.
- Where have you been?
- Canal Street.
I didn't hear the phone.
The pub was noisy.
- And where are you now?
- Going home.
Thought you were staying in.
Gino phoned up.
I haven't seen him for ages.
Bit of a catch-up.
Did you see Carl?
Yeah, I saw him in Crush.
And what did he have to say?
Nothing much. Didn't talk to
him. He was chasing some boy.
Where have you been?
Look, I'd better go.
I've got the walking wounded
here. I'll speak to you tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
I'll come round.
If you want. See you later.
Rose, you're going to stay, aren't
you? You're not going to leave me?
I'm still here.
That's it. Come on.
That's it.
Off we go. That's it.
I've read all about teachers working
day and night, never enough hours.
Look at you.
No wonder you're basic salary.
That's nice. Thanks, Mum.
I'll go to bed, then.
- You all right?
- No.
- Do you want me to...
- No, thank you.
Rose phoned. Did she get you?
Yeah.
Did you say I was out?
- Wasn't I supposed to?
- No, just...
Did you mention Carl came round?
I think so. Why?
Um, no... no reason.
Night, then.
Ended up with Carl last night.
Yeah? Ended up with?
Went round his flat,
got pissed, talked about stuff.
- And?
- Nothing happened.
I didn't say it did.
It wouldn't, would it?
Would it?
It wasn't exactly nothing.
So...
- You can tell me!
- Not if you go telling her.
I wouldn't do that.
Would I ever do that?
Actually,
that's quite offensive.
- Very.
- Yeah. Sorry.
- So what DID happen, then?
- Nothing. Just drunk. Never mind.
That's what alcohol
does - gets me paranoid.
He went out with Carl and Gino,
got pissed on Canal Street.
- What's wrong with that?
- Exactly.
Did he say Canal Street?
- What did he say to you?
- I thought he said he went round to Carl's.
Just him and Carl,
or him and Carl and Gino?
All right, don't do that.
Don't put me in the middle.
It's not fair. Don't.
Just him and Carl.
Yeah.
I should have said, but I
was round at Carl's last night,
and we ended up drinking and...
It was so stupid. I was pissed.
We ended up
snogging for a minute.
Not even for a minute.
It was more like 30 seconds.
I should have told you
straight off, but anyway...
I sobered up,
I went home, and...
There you go.
Won't do it again.
Do you want something to eat,
or...?
It was nothing. Ten-second snog.
OK.
It didn't mean a thing,
honestly. It was just... funny.
Look at me laughing.
Sorry OK?
You said you were
on Canal Street.
I WAS when I phoned...
Well, OK, I lied.
- Why?
- Cos I knew you wouldn't like it.
And I was right.
- So why? Why did you do it?
- Drunk.
Is this going to happen
every time you get drunk?
No, I stopped it.
I said, "This is stupid."
I said no. I said...
And we were laughing.
It wasn't serious.
And I went home.
I'm really sorry.
And I've told you.
So, if I go out and I snog someone
else, that's all right, is it?
Yeah.
Right, well, I'll start looking.
If it's an ex-boyfriend
for ten seconds, then yes.
Come on. You've done stuff
like that. We've all done it.
Yeah, I suppose.
- Where were you?
- In his flat.
- Where in his flat?
- Just on the settee.
It was his fault.
He was mucking about and...
I said no and then I went home.
And I phoned you, straight away.
OK.
- Sorry.
- Yep.
So where do you want to go?
Don't know.
Bit of a mood.
Can't blame her.
Still, ups and downs.
- So, do you think it'll pass, then?
- It always does.
So... what DID happen with Carl?
Don't YOU start.
Between you and me...
I was going out with
this bloke once, Clive,
and I ended up
snogging another bloke.
Pablo. Party,
late at night - like you do.
That's what Bob said.
You two say the same things.
- You're such a couple.
- Yeah.
So, what did he say,
then, exactly?
- What did he tell you?
- You go first.
Started snogging.
And it was nice.
You know, it was...
And he's full on, he's like going for
it, and it was just horny, you know.
What sort of snog was it?
Hands and things.
How long for?
A good ten minutes.
I mean, 20 minutes.
What's 20 minutes?
Yeah.
So, um... what happened then?
I don't know.
I didn't memorise every word.
Mind you, you should see Carl's
bedroom. Shag palace. I'D be tempted.
How long were
they in the bedroom?
So we're on the bed and at that
point I'm thinking, "Hello?"
Mistake.'
But...
- You know...
- You've got the horn.
Yes. And there's no stopping it.
And Carl never hangs about. He's
like shin off, jeans off, go for it.
Did...
Bob take his clothes off or...
He said Carl did,
but what did he tell you?
Right.
That's not fair.
I'm stopping now. Ask him.
Did he?
He starts pulling my shin up.
And we're laughing, you know.
But I started thinking...
Chicken.
A chicken would
have let him do it.
His shirt or his shoes or...
"anything or...?"
I don't think he said.
Did he? I...
I can't.
It's all a bit sort of...
How far did they go?
It's not like I was being
all poncy and moral.
I just felt stupid.
So I said no.
And Bob was so horny
that he had to stop himself.
He had to.
And that was it.
Didn't storm out or anything.
Wasn't his fault.
Had a coffee
and chatted for a bit.
Then I went home.
And he... stormed out.
He stormed out of the flat
in case he got tempted.
Sorry.
And they exaggerate,
these boys, you know.
He's probably just
showing off in front of me.
Don't tell him I said, will you?
Don't ever tell him.
But... you deserve...
Sorry.
Do you know where Jackie is?
She said she was going
over to see Sarah. Why?
- When was this?
- A couple of hours ago.
- Which one's the transsexual?
- Well, it's not him, is it?
Well,
they can do anything these days.
- I think I'll head off. I'm a bit done in.
- No, no.
I'm about to go upstairs.
Got to catch up on some reading.
No, I've got some stuff from work.
I'm doing the wages, so I'd better go.
Thanks for tea.
Drive safely.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just a bit tired, that's all.
You don't have to wave me off.
But I always do.
Did you really sleep with Bob?
Don't you ever talk
about anyone else?
Did you?
I didn't shag him.
Is that good news or bad news?
He was up for it, got halfway,
then I stopped it,
booted him out.
Like you'd ever stop a shag!
If he doesn't know what he is,
he won't find out with me.
I don't do experiments. He'd have
done it, though - the full shag.
- And he'll do it again.
- With you?
Would you get back with him,
though?
No chance.
Did he turn you down?
You see him naked and you just think
there's so much better out there.
He turned you down.
Next time he's up for it,
he might go for another girl.
You might get lucky. See ya.
Look at me, out and about.
You should have called.
- How long have you been waiting?
- Not long.
It's nice to see you.
I've got biscuits inside.
Did he have sex with Carl?
You're not still going
on about that, are you?
He said no.
He hasn't said anything else.
I don't care what HE says.
If he says he didn't,
then he didn't.
You know him best.
What do you think?
- Do you think he slept with Carl?
- You can't do this to me.
He's my friend.
He's my friend first.
- Holly, do you think he slept with Carl?
- Yes.
Here we go.
I've been... Shiver me timbers!
Is that new?
Is that a new shirt? It's nice.
I've been up to there with...
How are you?
How's things? How's Rose?
- Have you seen Rose?
- We're going out tonight. She just texted me.
Fantastic. Anyway, I'm not stopping.
I've... You know, just hiya.
- Are you having lunch?
- No, I can't. I can't. I'm up to there with...
Haven't got time to spit.
See ya-Sorry.
Dad's got this message
on the answerphone now.
"Mr Gossage is not at home."
Like Mum doesn't exist.
He knows she's going to hear it.
He's only doing it to piss her off.
- Do you want a burger?
- I thought you'd eaten.
- We'll miss the start.
- Won't take long.
You paid for that petrol and...
you bought that meal last week,
and... you got that wedding
present for my mother, so...
60 quid, that should cover it.
What's that for?
All paid up.
I don't owe you anything, and...
It was nice. I had a nice time,
so thanks for that.
Now you're being stupid.
Thank you.
No, you're being stupid. I had one
kiss. You're going way over the top.
You slept with him.
I did not! Where'd that come
from? What makes you think that?
- I can tell you're lying.
- I'm not!
I can tell.
All right, all...
Maybe it was more than
ten seconds. It was just...
I'm not asking.
I don't want to know.
Well, tough.
- You can't say that and expect me to shut up.
- I don't want you shouting.
I don't want you making a fuss.
I...
I don't want you
following me out. I...
I don't want phone calls or...
e-mails or...
It was nice while it
lasted and now it's over.
Well, it's not over for me, so
that's tough. This is ridiculous.
You can say what you like,
but I think you slept with him.
That's what I think.
And you can't shift that, cos
I'm always going to think that,
so there's no point.
All right. All right.
I'll piss off for now,
for tonight,
and we'll give it a
couple of days and...
Go and ask Carl.
Go on, go and ask him.
It's not about Carl.
God.
I...
I used to despair walking
round the streets of Manchester.
You could go for five years
and not see a handsome face.
And then I start going out with
you and I see them all the time.
- Every man we walk past.
- I don't want them.
Bollocks!
And you should.
Get out there and have them.
I'm stopping you.
I... don't... want... them.
Don't believe you.
Never will.
You really don't trust me.
Piss off, then.
Yeah.
And, um...
Say goodbye properly,
cos if I...
if I go out blazing, then, um...
...in a couple of days' time,
I'll call you or you'll call me
and we'll start talking and...
there's no point cos it's...
dead.
It's... just dead, Bob. It's...
...just dead, so...
Bye, then, and um...
Thanks again, and...
um... sort of...
good luck.
- I've done nothing wrong.
- Go back to your seat. Stop following me.
- I'm not with you. I'm not with you.
- If anyone's got a problem, it's you.
- You can't accuse me and walk off.
- I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know!
Leave me alone.
Your father's coming round.
I've got some post.
For God's sake, don't tell him
I've been watching daytime TV.
Christine went
round the other day
and said he'd got raw meat
stacked above the dairy products,
and his drip-dry shins
in the tumbler - on full.
What do you think?
Relaxed, nonchalant?
I'm aiming for
"don't give a hoot".
Right. Now...
You get it.
Go on.
There you go. Can't stop...
Yes.
Yes! Wonderful.
Um...
- How are you?
- No, I'm busy.
She's driving you insane,
- I suppose.
- Haven? Got the time.
- How's Rose?
- Yes, he is.
- We've finished.
- When did that happen?
Tonight, just now.
- Marvellous.
- What's he gone and done that for?
He's finished with Rose.
What do you mean?
Bye-bye.
- What happened?
- She finished with me.
Come on, now.
You've had a row.
Everybody has rows.
You didn't give a toss
when I finished with Carl.
Or Patrick, or Gareth,
or Steve.
So why do you
care about this one?
I'll get us a drink and you
can tell us what happened.
You can go. I'm fed up with this.
Just stop it and move back home.
It's over. It's all back to
scratch like it never happened.
Well,
I suppose if I'm in the way,
- I can stay with Aunt Susan.
- Go back home. Stop pissing about.
It's rather more
complicated than that.
You're a miserable git and you're bloody
Hitler. What's complicated? Sort it out.
Anyway, it's not about us.
You want to be single,
both of you?
- Are you going to start dating?
- I've had offers.
From whom?
Go on, then. Go on a date.
Go to dinner.
Sit there with someone new.
Try it.
Sit there and talk. Tell them all
about yourself right from the start.
You might get a kiss.
You might get a snog.
Taking your clothes off in front of a
stranger-when did you last do that?
And maybe it works.
It's a relationship, fantastic.
Two months later, finished.
Start again.
Dinner, snog, naked, six
months - finished. Start again.
Dinner and sex. Again, and again.
And it never bloody works!
Is that what you want?
You want to go back to that?
I'll pop in tomorrow,
see how he is.
Suppose Susan's not in?
I'll find a hotel.
I thought that one might last.
So did I.
What offers?
Well... you'd be surprised.
I've got plans for Friday night.
That new place in Alderley Edge.
Dinner for two.
Wine and conversation and...
maybe a kiss.
I'm busy.
Cancel it.
It's only a date.
There's no promises.
Is that it?
We just fall back?
Is that the best we can do?
- I don't want to start again.
- That's not a good enough reason.
Then we'll find
reasons over dinner.
Why, though?
Why would I have dinner
with a boring old man?
Because it's the best a frozen
old mare is ever going to get.
- I'll phone to confirm.
- I might be out.
Give her one, sir!
Shit! Shit!
Shit!
Hello.
Hiya.
It's been a while.
Hasn't it? Yeah.
Anyway...
You'd better come in.
They've got a dog next door.
How have you been?
Yeah, not so bad, you know.
I thought you were
going to tidy up this place.
Any day now.
I'm not... Don't ask me to pass on
any messages. I'm not doing that. I...
- It's my big mouth that's caused all the trouble.
- I didn't come round for that.
I've been... thinking about you.
I missed you.
Really?
Me, too.
And never mind him. We
won't even mention the B word.
He's gone and forgotten.
Make a change for me.
Does he still take you down the Village?
Don't you go where YOU want to go?
He thinks about
himself and nothing else.
- We're talking about him.
- Yes. Sorry. No.
Banished. Banished.
Banished.
Anita used to work with Sue at Kendals
years back, and Janet works in the office.
Here they are.
The Rock Steady Crew.
- What you having?
- Vodka tonic. Gin?
One vodka, one gin. This is Holly.
She's a friend of the B word,
but she's human,
she's passed the test.
- Hiya.
- Nice to meet you.
This is Anita,
and this is Marina.
- Where are the others?
- Over there. They've got a table.
Janet's finished with Rabbitman.
She's dumped him.
Have I met you before?
I don't know. Have you?
I don't think so.
Come on. Let's get a seat.
I said, "Hello,"
and he said, "Hello."
And I said, "How are you?" and he
said, "I've got an erection."
My God!
- Just like that?
- It's only the second time I've met him.
- He said, "I've got an erection."
- He's keen.
It works for me. I like him.
So I said, "You what?" And he leans in
and he says, "I've been to Wrexham."
I've been to Wrexham!
- Is that for real?
- Honest to God!
Anita was there.
And he started going, "What's that face
for? What's the matter with Wrexham?"
Been to Wrexham!
So where have I seen you before?
- Must be someone else.
- We only met through the B word.
- Have you had your car done at ours?
- Where are you'?
Off the Oldham Road.
No.
Holly. You don'!
Meet many Hollys.
Are you the one that told
Rose about Bob, Buggery Bob?
She saved me.
Good for you.
That's my phone.
Holly?
I've got it on vibrate,
like you do.
It's a bit noisy. I think I'll pop
outside. It might be my dad. He's old.
I'll see you in a minute.
Holly, is everything all right?
Yeah, yeah. I just got cut off.
It was my dad.
He's in a bit of a panic.
You know what he's like.
I'd better go actually, cos...
He's gone a bit mad. It's the
bathroom taps, or something.
Could you just tell them I've gone?
Cos I don't want to make a fuss.
Well, we'll do it again, yeah?
We'll... we'll go out again.
Yes. Yeah.
Not this week. Maybe next week.
I've got your phone number.
- I'll phone you next week.
- You don't have to.
I will.
Are you going to tell
Bob you've seen me?
Do you want me to?
Yeah.
Tell him I'm absolutely fine.
I've stuck you right
back in the middle.
You're his friend.
And yours.
Yeah, well,
it doesn't work like that.
Do us a favour, though.
Six months' time,
or two years' time,
you're talking and...
my name crops up,
don't take the piss out of me,
will you?
Of course not.
See you round.
Yeah.
BOB". Could go to The Gods.
BOB". Could go to The Gods.
That's a bit teenage.
Anywhere else there's going to be
Carl and Gino, and I can't be arsed.
Blimey.
Time was you were completely
in love with Carl Smith.
Doesn't last. Same with Rose.
Move on.
Just you and me, then.
That's a rarity.
They're going to think
I'm your latest conquest.
In your dreams.
- All right there, Mark?
- Sir.
Mark Lewis, Year 10.
A bit thick.
Thought he was a poof.
- What are you going to do?
- A bit young for me.
Shut up.
You could talk to him. You could
give him the helpline number.
And tell him everything's
going to be fine? Bollocks.
- You could help him, though.
- No-one helped me.
God, are those trousers back in?
I haven't seen those for years.
I'm so out of touch.
I'll have to go shopping.
A lot of sleeveless T-shirts.
I'm not doing that.
Thanks.
After we made our big farewell.
I got you a Coke.
It's gone a bit flat.
How's things?
Fine.
Go on, then.
I don't think he
did sleep with Carl.
Holly, you don't have to...
You shouldn't let him. Honestly,
it's like you're his slave sometimes.
Bob didn't send me. No, he
didn't... he didn't sleep with Carl.
I don't care.
If it's not Carl,
it'll be someone else.
What, so the next straight man you go out
with, he's not going to look at other women?
Course he will.
What, and a gay man's worse?
He's more likely to go and shag?
Well...
he is.
Bigot.
I can't trust any of 'em.
You'll end up going
out with no-one, like me.
I'll give up in the end.
I'll marry some lard-arse.
I'll have a nice time with
the kids. That'll do me.
When I said that
he slept with Carl...
Don't, Holly. Really.
Don't do this.
Tell him... that I'm not
that cross any more,
and that... I sort
of understand it. I'm...
Tell him...
...to leave me alone.
He didn't send me.
He's using you.
He always does. Would he do
this for you? No, he wouldn't.
Cos he's a selfish bastard.
My dad was ill
once and I told Bob.
And three days later he remembered.
He said, "How is he now?"
You see.
He turns round and there I am.
Fixtures and fittings,
always there.
And not that important.
Turns out I can
change the world.
I told you that
he slept with Carl.
I lied.
First time I saw him in college, I knew
he was gay straight off, and we went out
and we got pissed the first
night. We had such a laugh.
I was blonde then,
and I had this...
It was years ago.
I spent so much time. I thought
I knew everything about him.
But it turns out that I didn't.
Cos then he goes and meets you.
And he falls in love with a
woman. And it wasn't me.
It's too small - Manchester.
We should try London
or New York or... Minneapolis.
Increases your chances,
by the law of averages.
If there's ten million
people in a city,
the law of averages says that
somewhere in the ten million
is the exact person
that you're looking for.
The law of averages says
that you'll never meet him.
He could be walking past right
now. That could be him there.
That's him. And who is he?
Off he goes.
He's gone.
Him, more like.
- And he's walking past.
- Not even doing that.
He's on the other side of town,
or he's in Glasgow or Paris or Egypt.
And you'll never know.
That one there.
- Yeah.
- No, him.
Talk to him. Go on.
Run after him.
That could be yours.
Or that one.
HOLLY". He's nice.
- Not him.
- No!
He's nice.
Or what about her?
Is that supposed to be clever?
- You have her, since you're both so funny.
- Stay there.
I'm not doing it. I'm not.
Stay. Sit down.
Don't go phoning me later.
The thing about couples is,
you're so boring.
Holly, do you want to
come round tonight?
You two! I said I'm busy.
I haven't seen you in ages, and I'm
cooking. I'm doing the works.
He starts cooking, then it
all falls apart. I'm doing it.
I can't. I'm going out with Jackie
and the girls. We're going clubbing.
Can'! You give it a miss
for once? It's hell out there.
Tell me about it. Look, it's all right for
you two. Now, piss off. Leave me alone.
- Jackie, where are we meeting?
- I dunno. I might stay in.
That is enough of that.
You've got to get out there.
- I never meet anyone.
- You could. I knew this couple once
that met at two o'clock in
the morning waiting for a taxi.
And that could be us. One of these
nights we're going to get lucky.
We're meeting at Marina's at 9:00
and we're going on from there.
- Can I bring Simon?
- No, you can't bring Simon. He's a knob.
Have a shave and hurry up.
And don't wear those shoes,
cos I'm not carrying you.
I'm chasing after that barman - the one with
the nice tight arse and the tight jeans.
Gino, eight o'clock. I'll meet
you outside Crush, by the wall.
- Did that boy phone you back?
- Did he bollocks!
I'm on the pull.
I'll phone Stan. See you.
If I cant have him, I'll have
the man standing next to him.
I am on the pull tonight
and nothing will stop me.
- Stan, eight o'clock outside Crush.
- I might see Simon or Richard.
I could wear the black top with the
black leggings. And Geoff and Tom.
- Where are we going after?
- Complete stranger's bed, with any luck.
- Bloom Street.
- All those men out there, waiting for us.
It's Saturday night, it's happy hour, it's
singles' night, it's "girls get in for free".
It's queuing up in the rain
and then dancing in the heat.
It's every pub and every bar and every
club and every single one of us.
Any time.
Do you want some?
Sorry.
- Where have you been?
- Canal Street.
I didn't hear the phone.
The pub was noisy.
- And where are you now?
- Going home.
Thought you were staying in.
Gino phoned up.
I haven't seen him for ages.
Bit of a catch-up.
Did you see Carl?
Yeah, I saw him in Crush.
And what did he have to say?
Nothing much. Didn't talk to
him. He was chasing some boy.
Where have you been?
Look, I'd better go.
I've got the walking wounded
here. I'll speak to you tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
I'll come round.
If you want. See you later.
Rose, you're going to stay, aren't
you? You're not going to leave me?
I'm still here.
That's it. Come on.
That's it.
Off we go. That's it.
I've read all about teachers working
day and night, never enough hours.
Look at you.
No wonder you're basic salary.
That's nice. Thanks, Mum.
I'll go to bed, then.
- You all right?
- No.
- Do you want me to...
- No, thank you.
Rose phoned. Did she get you?
Yeah.
Did you say I was out?
- Wasn't I supposed to?
- No, just...
Did you mention Carl came round?
I think so. Why?
Um, no... no reason.
Night, then.
Ended up with Carl last night.
Yeah? Ended up with?
Went round his flat,
got pissed, talked about stuff.
- And?
- Nothing happened.
I didn't say it did.
It wouldn't, would it?
Would it?
It wasn't exactly nothing.
So...
- You can tell me!
- Not if you go telling her.
I wouldn't do that.
Would I ever do that?
Actually,
that's quite offensive.
- Very.
- Yeah. Sorry.
- So what DID happen, then?
- Nothing. Just drunk. Never mind.
That's what alcohol
does - gets me paranoid.
He went out with Carl and Gino,
got pissed on Canal Street.
- What's wrong with that?
- Exactly.
Did he say Canal Street?
- What did he say to you?
- I thought he said he went round to Carl's.
Just him and Carl,
or him and Carl and Gino?
All right, don't do that.
Don't put me in the middle.
It's not fair. Don't.
Just him and Carl.
Yeah.
I should have said, but I
was round at Carl's last night,
and we ended up drinking and...
It was so stupid. I was pissed.
We ended up
snogging for a minute.
Not even for a minute.
It was more like 30 seconds.
I should have told you
straight off, but anyway...
I sobered up,
I went home, and...
There you go.
Won't do it again.
Do you want something to eat,
or...?
It was nothing. Ten-second snog.
OK.
It didn't mean a thing,
honestly. It was just... funny.
Look at me laughing.
Sorry OK?
You said you were
on Canal Street.
I WAS when I phoned...
Well, OK, I lied.
- Why?
- Cos I knew you wouldn't like it.
And I was right.
- So why? Why did you do it?
- Drunk.
Is this going to happen
every time you get drunk?
No, I stopped it.
I said, "This is stupid."
I said no. I said...
And we were laughing.
It wasn't serious.
And I went home.
I'm really sorry.
And I've told you.
So, if I go out and I snog someone
else, that's all right, is it?
Yeah.
Right, well, I'll start looking.
If it's an ex-boyfriend
for ten seconds, then yes.
Come on. You've done stuff
like that. We've all done it.
Yeah, I suppose.
- Where were you?
- In his flat.
- Where in his flat?
- Just on the settee.
It was his fault.
He was mucking about and...
I said no and then I went home.
And I phoned you, straight away.
OK.
- Sorry.
- Yep.
So where do you want to go?
Don't know.
Bit of a mood.
Can't blame her.
Still, ups and downs.
- So, do you think it'll pass, then?
- It always does.
So... what DID happen with Carl?
Don't YOU start.
Between you and me...
I was going out with
this bloke once, Clive,
and I ended up
snogging another bloke.
Pablo. Party,
late at night - like you do.
That's what Bob said.
You two say the same things.
- You're such a couple.
- Yeah.
So, what did he say,
then, exactly?
- What did he tell you?
- You go first.
Started snogging.
And it was nice.
You know, it was...
And he's full on, he's like going for
it, and it was just horny, you know.
What sort of snog was it?
Hands and things.
How long for?
A good ten minutes.
I mean, 20 minutes.
What's 20 minutes?
Yeah.
So, um... what happened then?
I don't know.
I didn't memorise every word.
Mind you, you should see Carl's
bedroom. Shag palace. I'D be tempted.
How long were
they in the bedroom?
So we're on the bed and at that
point I'm thinking, "Hello?"
Mistake.'
But...
- You know...
- You've got the horn.
Yes. And there's no stopping it.
And Carl never hangs about. He's
like shin off, jeans off, go for it.
Did...
Bob take his clothes off or...
He said Carl did,
but what did he tell you?
Right.
That's not fair.
I'm stopping now. Ask him.
Did he?
He starts pulling my shin up.
And we're laughing, you know.
But I started thinking...
Chicken.
A chicken would
have let him do it.
His shirt or his shoes or...
"anything or...?"
I don't think he said.
Did he? I...
I can't.
It's all a bit sort of...
How far did they go?
It's not like I was being
all poncy and moral.
I just felt stupid.
So I said no.
And Bob was so horny
that he had to stop himself.
He had to.
And that was it.
Didn't storm out or anything.
Wasn't his fault.
Had a coffee
and chatted for a bit.
Then I went home.
And he... stormed out.
He stormed out of the flat
in case he got tempted.
Sorry.
And they exaggerate,
these boys, you know.
He's probably just
showing off in front of me.
Don't tell him I said, will you?
Don't ever tell him.
But... you deserve...
Sorry.
Do you know where Jackie is?
She said she was going
over to see Sarah. Why?
- When was this?
- A couple of hours ago.
- Which one's the transsexual?
- Well, it's not him, is it?
Well,
they can do anything these days.
- I think I'll head off. I'm a bit done in.
- No, no.
I'm about to go upstairs.
Got to catch up on some reading.
No, I've got some stuff from work.
I'm doing the wages, so I'd better go.
Thanks for tea.
Drive safely.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just a bit tired, that's all.
You don't have to wave me off.
But I always do.
Did you really sleep with Bob?
Don't you ever talk
about anyone else?
Did you?
I didn't shag him.
Is that good news or bad news?
He was up for it, got halfway,
then I stopped it,
booted him out.
Like you'd ever stop a shag!
If he doesn't know what he is,
he won't find out with me.
I don't do experiments. He'd have
done it, though - the full shag.
- And he'll do it again.
- With you?
Would you get back with him,
though?
No chance.
Did he turn you down?
You see him naked and you just think
there's so much better out there.
He turned you down.
Next time he's up for it,
he might go for another girl.
You might get lucky. See ya.
Look at me, out and about.
You should have called.
- How long have you been waiting?
- Not long.
It's nice to see you.
I've got biscuits inside.
Did he have sex with Carl?
You're not still going
on about that, are you?
He said no.
He hasn't said anything else.
I don't care what HE says.
If he says he didn't,
then he didn't.
You know him best.
What do you think?
- Do you think he slept with Carl?
- You can't do this to me.
He's my friend.
He's my friend first.
- Holly, do you think he slept with Carl?
- Yes.
Here we go.
I've been... Shiver me timbers!
Is that new?
Is that a new shirt? It's nice.
I've been up to there with...
How are you?
How's things? How's Rose?
- Have you seen Rose?
- We're going out tonight. She just texted me.
Fantastic. Anyway, I'm not stopping.
I've... You know, just hiya.
- Are you having lunch?
- No, I can't. I can't. I'm up to there with...
Haven't got time to spit.
See ya-Sorry.
Dad's got this message
on the answerphone now.
"Mr Gossage is not at home."
Like Mum doesn't exist.
He knows she's going to hear it.
He's only doing it to piss her off.
- Do you want a burger?
- I thought you'd eaten.
- We'll miss the start.
- Won't take long.
You paid for that petrol and...
you bought that meal last week,
and... you got that wedding
present for my mother, so...
60 quid, that should cover it.
What's that for?
All paid up.
I don't owe you anything, and...
It was nice. I had a nice time,
so thanks for that.
Now you're being stupid.
Thank you.
No, you're being stupid. I had one
kiss. You're going way over the top.
You slept with him.
I did not! Where'd that come
from? What makes you think that?
- I can tell you're lying.
- I'm not!
I can tell.
All right, all...
Maybe it was more than
ten seconds. It was just...
I'm not asking.
I don't want to know.
Well, tough.
- You can't say that and expect me to shut up.
- I don't want you shouting.
I don't want you making a fuss.
I...
I don't want you
following me out. I...
I don't want phone calls or...
e-mails or...
It was nice while it
lasted and now it's over.
Well, it's not over for me, so
that's tough. This is ridiculous.
You can say what you like,
but I think you slept with him.
That's what I think.
And you can't shift that, cos
I'm always going to think that,
so there's no point.
All right. All right.
I'll piss off for now,
for tonight,
and we'll give it a
couple of days and...
Go and ask Carl.
Go on, go and ask him.
It's not about Carl.
God.
I...
I used to despair walking
round the streets of Manchester.
You could go for five years
and not see a handsome face.
And then I start going out with
you and I see them all the time.
- Every man we walk past.
- I don't want them.
Bollocks!
And you should.
Get out there and have them.
I'm stopping you.
I... don't... want... them.
Don't believe you.
Never will.
You really don't trust me.
Piss off, then.
Yeah.
And, um...
Say goodbye properly,
cos if I...
if I go out blazing, then, um...
...in a couple of days' time,
I'll call you or you'll call me
and we'll start talking and...
there's no point cos it's...
dead.
It's... just dead, Bob. It's...
...just dead, so...
Bye, then, and um...
Thanks again, and...
um... sort of...
good luck.
- I've done nothing wrong.
- Go back to your seat. Stop following me.
- I'm not with you. I'm not with you.
- If anyone's got a problem, it's you.
- You can't accuse me and walk off.
- I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know!
Leave me alone.
Your father's coming round.
I've got some post.
For God's sake, don't tell him
I've been watching daytime TV.
Christine went
round the other day
and said he'd got raw meat
stacked above the dairy products,
and his drip-dry shins
in the tumbler - on full.
What do you think?
Relaxed, nonchalant?
I'm aiming for
"don't give a hoot".
Right. Now...
You get it.
Go on.
There you go. Can't stop...
Yes.
Yes! Wonderful.
Um...
- How are you?
- No, I'm busy.
She's driving you insane,
- I suppose.
- Haven? Got the time.
- How's Rose?
- Yes, he is.
- We've finished.
- When did that happen?
Tonight, just now.
- Marvellous.
- What's he gone and done that for?
He's finished with Rose.
What do you mean?
Bye-bye.
- What happened?
- She finished with me.
Come on, now.
You've had a row.
Everybody has rows.
You didn't give a toss
when I finished with Carl.
Or Patrick, or Gareth,
or Steve.
So why do you
care about this one?
I'll get us a drink and you
can tell us what happened.
You can go. I'm fed up with this.
Just stop it and move back home.
It's over. It's all back to
scratch like it never happened.
Well,
I suppose if I'm in the way,
- I can stay with Aunt Susan.
- Go back home. Stop pissing about.
It's rather more
complicated than that.
You're a miserable git and you're bloody
Hitler. What's complicated? Sort it out.
Anyway, it's not about us.
You want to be single,
both of you?
- Are you going to start dating?
- I've had offers.
From whom?
Go on, then. Go on a date.
Go to dinner.
Sit there with someone new.
Try it.
Sit there and talk. Tell them all
about yourself right from the start.
You might get a kiss.
You might get a snog.
Taking your clothes off in front of a
stranger-when did you last do that?
And maybe it works.
It's a relationship, fantastic.
Two months later, finished.
Start again.
Dinner, snog, naked, six
months - finished. Start again.
Dinner and sex. Again, and again.
And it never bloody works!
Is that what you want?
You want to go back to that?
I'll pop in tomorrow,
see how he is.
Suppose Susan's not in?
I'll find a hotel.
I thought that one might last.
So did I.
What offers?
Well... you'd be surprised.
I've got plans for Friday night.
That new place in Alderley Edge.
Dinner for two.
Wine and conversation and...
maybe a kiss.
I'm busy.
Cancel it.
It's only a date.
There's no promises.
Is that it?
We just fall back?
Is that the best we can do?
- I don't want to start again.
- That's not a good enough reason.
Then we'll find
reasons over dinner.
Why, though?
Why would I have dinner
with a boring old man?
Because it's the best a frozen
old mare is ever going to get.
- I'll phone to confirm.
- I might be out.
Give her one, sir!
Shit! Shit!
Shit!
Hello.
Hiya.
It's been a while.
Hasn't it? Yeah.
Anyway...
You'd better come in.
They've got a dog next door.
How have you been?
Yeah, not so bad, you know.
I thought you were
going to tidy up this place.
Any day now.
I'm not... Don't ask me to pass on
any messages. I'm not doing that. I...
- It's my big mouth that's caused all the trouble.
- I didn't come round for that.
I've been... thinking about you.
I missed you.
Really?
Me, too.
And never mind him. We
won't even mention the B word.
He's gone and forgotten.
Make a change for me.
Does he still take you down the Village?
Don't you go where YOU want to go?
He thinks about
himself and nothing else.
- We're talking about him.
- Yes. Sorry. No.
Banished. Banished.
Banished.
Anita used to work with Sue at Kendals
years back, and Janet works in the office.
Here they are.
The Rock Steady Crew.
- What you having?
- Vodka tonic. Gin?
One vodka, one gin. This is Holly.
She's a friend of the B word,
but she's human,
she's passed the test.
- Hiya.
- Nice to meet you.
This is Anita,
and this is Marina.
- Where are the others?
- Over there. They've got a table.
Janet's finished with Rabbitman.
She's dumped him.
Have I met you before?
I don't know. Have you?
I don't think so.
Come on. Let's get a seat.
I said, "Hello,"
and he said, "Hello."
And I said, "How are you?" and he
said, "I've got an erection."
My God!
- Just like that?
- It's only the second time I've met him.
- He said, "I've got an erection."
- He's keen.
It works for me. I like him.
So I said, "You what?" And he leans in
and he says, "I've been to Wrexham."
I've been to Wrexham!
- Is that for real?
- Honest to God!
Anita was there.
And he started going, "What's that face
for? What's the matter with Wrexham?"
Been to Wrexham!
So where have I seen you before?
- Must be someone else.
- We only met through the B word.
- Have you had your car done at ours?
- Where are you'?
Off the Oldham Road.
No.
Holly. You don'!
Meet many Hollys.
Are you the one that told
Rose about Bob, Buggery Bob?
She saved me.
Good for you.
That's my phone.
Holly?
I've got it on vibrate,
like you do.
It's a bit noisy. I think I'll pop
outside. It might be my dad. He's old.
I'll see you in a minute.
Holly, is everything all right?
Yeah, yeah. I just got cut off.
It was my dad.
He's in a bit of a panic.
You know what he's like.
I'd better go actually, cos...
He's gone a bit mad. It's the
bathroom taps, or something.
Could you just tell them I've gone?
Cos I don't want to make a fuss.
Well, we'll do it again, yeah?
We'll... we'll go out again.
Yes. Yeah.
Not this week. Maybe next week.
I've got your phone number.
- I'll phone you next week.
- You don't have to.
I will.
Are you going to tell
Bob you've seen me?
Do you want me to?
Yeah.
Tell him I'm absolutely fine.
I've stuck you right
back in the middle.
You're his friend.
And yours.
Yeah, well,
it doesn't work like that.
Do us a favour, though.
Six months' time,
or two years' time,
you're talking and...
my name crops up,
don't take the piss out of me,
will you?
Of course not.
See you round.
Yeah.
BOB". Could go to The Gods.
BOB". Could go to The Gods.
That's a bit teenage.
Anywhere else there's going to be
Carl and Gino, and I can't be arsed.
Blimey.
Time was you were completely
in love with Carl Smith.
Doesn't last. Same with Rose.
Move on.
Just you and me, then.
That's a rarity.
They're going to think
I'm your latest conquest.
In your dreams.
- All right there, Mark?
- Sir.
Mark Lewis, Year 10.
A bit thick.
Thought he was a poof.
- What are you going to do?
- A bit young for me.
Shut up.
You could talk to him. You could
give him the helpline number.
And tell him everything's
going to be fine? Bollocks.
- You could help him, though.
- No-one helped me.
God, are those trousers back in?
I haven't seen those for years.
I'm so out of touch.
I'll have to go shopping.
A lot of sleeveless T-shirts.
I'm not doing that.
Thanks.
After we made our big farewell.
I got you a Coke.
It's gone a bit flat.
How's things?
Fine.
Go on, then.
I don't think he
did sleep with Carl.
Holly, you don't have to...
You shouldn't let him. Honestly,
it's like you're his slave sometimes.
Bob didn't send me. No, he
didn't... he didn't sleep with Carl.
I don't care.
If it's not Carl,
it'll be someone else.
What, so the next straight man you go out
with, he's not going to look at other women?
Course he will.
What, and a gay man's worse?
He's more likely to go and shag?
Well...
he is.
Bigot.
I can't trust any of 'em.
You'll end up going
out with no-one, like me.
I'll give up in the end.
I'll marry some lard-arse.
I'll have a nice time with
the kids. That'll do me.
When I said that
he slept with Carl...
Don't, Holly. Really.
Don't do this.
Tell him... that I'm not
that cross any more,
and that... I sort
of understand it. I'm...
Tell him...
...to leave me alone.
He didn't send me.
He's using you.
He always does. Would he do
this for you? No, he wouldn't.
Cos he's a selfish bastard.
My dad was ill
once and I told Bob.
And three days later he remembered.
He said, "How is he now?"
You see.
He turns round and there I am.
Fixtures and fittings,
always there.
And not that important.
Turns out I can
change the world.
I told you that
he slept with Carl.
I lied.
First time I saw him in college, I knew
he was gay straight off, and we went out
and we got pissed the first
night. We had such a laugh.
I was blonde then,
and I had this...
It was years ago.
I spent so much time. I thought
I knew everything about him.
But it turns out that I didn't.
Cos then he goes and meets you.
And he falls in love with a
woman. And it wasn't me.
It's too small - Manchester.
We should try London
or New York or... Minneapolis.
Increases your chances,
by the law of averages.
If there's ten million
people in a city,
the law of averages says that
somewhere in the ten million
is the exact person
that you're looking for.
The law of averages says
that you'll never meet him.
He could be walking past right
now. That could be him there.
That's him. And who is he?
Off he goes.
He's gone.
Him, more like.
- And he's walking past.
- Not even doing that.
He's on the other side of town,
or he's in Glasgow or Paris or Egypt.
And you'll never know.
That one there.
- Yeah.
- No, him.
Talk to him. Go on.
Run after him.
That could be yours.
Or that one.
HOLLY". He's nice.
- Not him.
- No!
He's nice.
Or what about her?
Is that supposed to be clever?
- You have her, since you're both so funny.
- Stay there.
I'm not doing it. I'm not.
Stay. Sit down.
Don't go phoning me later.
The thing about couples is,
you're so boring.
Holly, do you want to
come round tonight?
You two! I said I'm busy.
I haven't seen you in ages, and I'm
cooking. I'm doing the works.
He starts cooking, then it
all falls apart. I'm doing it.
I can't. I'm going out with Jackie
and the girls. We're going clubbing.
Can'! You give it a miss
for once? It's hell out there.
Tell me about it. Look, it's all right for
you two. Now, piss off. Leave me alone.
- Jackie, where are we meeting?
- I dunno. I might stay in.
That is enough of that.
You've got to get out there.
- I never meet anyone.
- You could. I knew this couple once
that met at two o'clock in
the morning waiting for a taxi.
And that could be us. One of these
nights we're going to get lucky.
We're meeting at Marina's at 9:00
and we're going on from there.
- Can I bring Simon?
- No, you can't bring Simon. He's a knob.
Have a shave and hurry up.
And don't wear those shoes,
cos I'm not carrying you.
I'm chasing after that barman - the one with
the nice tight arse and the tight jeans.
Gino, eight o'clock. I'll meet
you outside Crush, by the wall.
- Did that boy phone you back?
- Did he bollocks!
I'm on the pull.
I'll phone Stan. See you.
If I cant have him, I'll have
the man standing next to him.
I am on the pull tonight
and nothing will stop me.
- Stan, eight o'clock outside Crush.
- I might see Simon or Richard.
I could wear the black top with the
black leggings. And Geoff and Tom.
- Where are we going after?
- Complete stranger's bed, with any luck.
- Bloom Street.
- All those men out there, waiting for us.
It's Saturday night, it's happy hour, it's
singles' night, it's "girls get in for free".
It's queuing up in the rain
and then dancing in the heat.
It's every pub and every bar and every
club and every single one of us.