Bob & Rose (2001–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Now, baby, go for it.
Now, baby, go for it.
- Bender!
- Whoo!
Yeah, right.
Baby, I want to be the one.
Na, na, na.
What?
Come on.
Come on. What?
- I think it's lovely.
- It's not lovely. It's not anything.
- It just is.
- I'll tell you a good thing about Bob.
Bobby Bothways. You could take him
shopping. He'd love it, shopping.
He pays his money, he goes home.
He shops like anyone shops.
Yeah, but
I bet he tells you when
you don't look good in something.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does, but...
Well, if you think about it,
Bob's like the gas board.
Yes, Janet, just last night
I was thinking Bob's
exactly like the gas board.
No, really, though.
In the old days, you got your gas off the
gas board and your water off the water board.
Now you get
your gas off the water,
the water does the gas and the
television does the phone.
Everyone does everything.
And it's cheaper.
If I'm honest, though, really...
Don't you think it's disgusting?
You can't say that.
I'm not saying Bob's disgusting.
But IT, what they do.
You've done it.
Exactly. I don't want to think
about my boyfriend getting it done.
It's different. It is.
I'm fine. I've got a cousin
who's gay. He lives in Oslo.
I don't have a problem with it.
Until you think
about it physically.
The man you're sleeping with
has done it hundreds of times.
Doesn't it make you... Eugh!
Excuse me.
That's £2.50, love. Thank you.
And 50 and two.
There you go. Have a nice day.
Now, then.
I'll have erm...
one of those pink bows.
Lovely.
There you go.
And erm... a blue one.
- Er, large or small?
- Large.
There you go. £2.10.
Take it out of what you owe me.
What are you doing here?
- I've got a job.
- I can see that.
It was Trevor's idea.
What have I been
telling her for years?
But Trevor says it
and off she goes.
He said,
"Stand on your own two feet."
You have a joint account. The money
goes to him. Why didn't you tell me?
Cos you'd take the piss.
And besides,
now that we all know everything,
Trevor wants a drink
with you and Bob.
I think he might have a few
things to say to you, young lady.
Tell you what, let's get Bob's mum
and dad in. You should meet them.
You're going to love Bob's mum. She's
got a few things to say an' all.
Guilty, Your Worship.
Guilty as charged.
Guilty and proud
and utterly unashamed.
Erm, just guilty will do.
Are you Robert Gossage?
Yes.
Robert Gossage, you are charged in
an indictment containing one count,
obstruction of the highway,
contrary to
section 137 of the Highways Act,
1980.
Robert Gossage, to this
indictment, do you plead guilty
- or not guilty?
- Guilty.
What did they get?
£200 fine. But Monica's offered
£1,800 in total.
Dear.
I don't think he's too pleased.
He's always been fine with me.
Here she is, the famous Rose.
- My mother.
- Yes, I know. We met at Monica's.
But you didn't say who you were.
Who'd have thought,
Bob with a girl?
- Best of luck to you.
- Thank you.
Well, we're off to the pub.
Celebration. See you there.
- Thanks for that.
- What have I done now?
All the mothers, so proud of us.
Then you come along and it turns out they still
wish we'd find the right girl. Nice one.
Rose! Over here!
You and Bob together.
The Pink Paper want a spread.
Sweet.
Arms round each other!
Closer. Hold it. That's it.
What about a kiss?
One little kiss.
- That's if!
- Right,
I'm not a centrefold.
Come on. Pub. I'm buying.
- You coming?
- I've got to work.
Thanks for that. What a laugh.
I've been asked out. On a date.
I was sitting there last night
and the phone rang. Guess who it was?
- Gary Speight.
- Gary Speight?
Yeah, a voice from the past.
He said, "Remember me?"
I thought he was dead.
He's an ex-boyfriend.
He's a nice bloke.
I finished with him... ages ago.
Was it 1993?
He's a bit boring.
There he was, asking me out.
Rose, a thought.
Your mother and her fiancé.
Why not make it a proper meal?
Come round to our place.
The gathering of the clans.
I thought just a drink.
No need to make a fuss.
No fuss, it's a pleasure.
Phone me. We'll confirm.
OK.
So, Gary says, "Do you fancy
going out, like the old days?"
You should go.
Does that mean all of us?
Round the same table?
Including Trevor.
It turns out erm...
he's been married.
He's divorced two years,
no kids.
And, lo and behold,
he's thinking of me.
- So, are you going to go?
- I don't know.
I'm a bit boring these days.
We'd probably make a good pair.
Do we have to go?
- Can't we cancel?
- Well, yeah,
but I can't wait to
see my mother's face
when she sees
your mother's house.
You're showing off. I might be.
You're a snob. What if my parents
ran a chip shop in Ancoats?
I wouldn't look at you twice.
So I think I might go,
on a date. I might as well.
Bloody hell.
Hello!
Holly,
you haven't changed a bit.
Er... is this all right?
It's sort of my local.
No, it's lovely. Yeah.
Do you mind if I sit that side?
It's just that the footy's on
and I didn't set a tape.
I forgot. I don't want to er...
No, that's fine.
I'll shift round.
My bag's stuck.
Caught.
- I'll sit here.
- No, I've got it.
That was a surprise,
you phoning out of the blue.
Yeah, well... I found an old
address book and there you were.
I thought, well, fair do's,
he always sends a Christmas card.
Do you want a hand?
No, I'm fine. Bollocks! Sorry.
It's only tonic.
It's fine. It's no loss.
I'm driving.
You really haven't changed.
What does that mean?
It's not a honeymoon as such.
We're staying with
Trevor's brother in Bristol.
We're looking after the place while
he's away, but he's paying us.
- Lovely pan of the world.
- You should come.
Not to Bristol.
On Saturday, the wedding.
I mean,
you are more or less family now.
If I'm allowed to say that.
Delighted. Thank you.
That would be lovely.
- I mean, I don't want to...
- No, think of it
more as a sort of olive branch
between the two families.
After all the trouble.
What trouble's that?
Well, Bob and his proclivities.
Why is that trouble?
It's not. Not any more.
He's got you on his arm now.
But it's not trouble.
It never was.
Do you think it was trouble?
Bob's proclivities?
Look,
this is nothing new to me.
I spent five years
in the Navy.
Plenty of young boys away from
home, close quarters, under stress.
I've got the
statistics upstairs.
Did you have gay
sex in your hammock?
It's lovely rice.
I never found the need.
And each and every one of those
men, they... they all settled down.
Wives, children, the lot.
I suppose they...
just grew out of it.
Right, so it's something
you just grow out of.
Well, look at Bob.
Is that what YOU'VE done, Bob?
It doesn't really matter.
So, a gay man grows up...
stops being daft,
finds himself a woman.
What do YOU think, Monica?
Each to his own.
Where is this shop of yours,
Carol?
Well, it's not my shop exactly.
But er...
well, give me time! It's um...
It's in the Arndale Centre. Handy
for shopping in your lunch time.
Bit too handy, Trevor says!
What does it sell?
- Cards, teddy bears, knick-knacks.
- What about before the Navy, Trev?
Most straight men are
scared of the gay thing
because they're repressing
something like a quick fumble
with their best friend
when they're 13.
Not that I'm aware of,
thank you.
That's right, though, isn't it?
It depends.
You might not remember.
You might have blocked it.
- I don't think so.
- And he should know.
You don't like it, do you?
The thought of a
man with another man.
If you don't mind my saying, Rose, this
is not the place to discuss your theories.
- I was just asking...
- Thank you.
The subject is closed.
Do you sell wrapping paper?
75 different designs.
I must come and stock up.
75!
Bob's still about.
We're teaching in
the same school.
I think he's following me.
He's the same as ever.
I get fed up of his camping
about, to be honest.
He's all right. He's a laugh.
I call him Falsetto.
Me, me, me!
I can talk, though. It's all me.
What about you?
Er, don't know...
Nice little flat off
Hathersage Road.
Good Chinese round the... Yes!
Sorry. They're getting hammered.
Divorce, though, must be awful.
It's all right.
Hope you dumped her
better than you dumped me.
I was a bit of a twat, wasn't I?
Could have handled it better.
Anyway, she chucked
me this time, if it helps.
So, has there been...
I mean, do you live with anyone?
Well, there was this one bloke.
I met him after you.
It went on for years.
Years and years.
Still...
What happened?
He died.
My God.
I'm so sorry, Holly.
How did he...?
He was quite... He was ill.
It was quite quick, really, which
was... You know, there you go.
Never mind.
I can't imagine.
I just can't imagine.
Well,
I don't want to go on about it.
No... Of course not.
Do you want to finish up?
We could go for a wander
or go into town or something.
What about the match?
Bollocks to that.
Come on.
If you want to.
OK.
See you on Saturday
for the big day.
Is there a wedding list?
Debenhams. I'll phone you with
the index number. Very kind.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
What the hell
was all that about?
It was really lovely.
Honestly. Thanks.
First of many, I hope.
And I didn't mean to...
- Sorry if I went on a bit.
- Yes, you did, rather.
William,
there's no need for that.
I'm sure.
Excuse me.
You're using me.
It's...
It's just Trevor.
I can't stand him.
Exactly. Nothing to do with me.
I was just a prop. Where did
you get that childhood bollocks?
I read it in a book.
What sort of book?
A book about gayness.
Was I in it?
Did it mention me?
Read a book!
He made a pass at me.
Who did? Trevor?
No, the man next door.
Yes, Trevor.
You're kidding! Are you sure?
Blimey.
Bastard.
Quite the little militant,
Miss Cooper.
No wonder he likes her.
He's marrying his mother.
I thought it would
come back to me.
- You've set a fine example.
- Actually, I think I have.
For me?
Have you set an example for me?
You're on television,
in the press.
You're in court.
That's wonderful for me.
- Yes, wonderful.
- What difference does it make to you?
You were fighting
- in the street.
- For a good cause.
It's not about the...
Anyway.
If you don't mind.
This is my bedroom,
according to your rules.
I apologise if I caused
you any embarrassment.
I don't think
embarrassment covers it.
It's shame.
I'm ashamed of you.
Very much so.
Well, now I know.
Yes.
You do.
Here we are.
I'll take you to yours.
- I'm only parked round the corner. You get off.
- Well, thanks again.
- Thanks for the curry.
- Any time.
If you want to do it again, I don't
know. You know, a good laugh.
Maybe next week or something,
or...
I don't know. Whatever.
- Nothing heavy. Just...
- Yeah.
Er... Tuesday or...
Yeah, Tuesday, yeah.
I'll give you a call.
Right, then.
- Nice to see you again.
- And you. You're soaking!
See you next week.
Gary, it's Holly. You won't be
home yet but I can't make Tuesday.
I mean, I won't. I.
I've gone a bit barmy and I said some
things tonight that I really... I sort of...
Nobody died.
But it was really nice to
see you, though. And um...
it's my fault and I've got to
sort things out, you know.
Um... and...
there's somebody else.
And I'm...
You know, I'll sort it out.
And... You know, so er...
But... So, sorry
and bye. Thanks.
That's Trevor's
James Bond website
closed down.
He must have done something. How
can James Bond get you into debt?
We don't know he IS in debt.
It may only be £1,000.
It doesn't make him a criminal.
Bollocks! Even if you go to the other
Bond sites, there's 10,567 of them.
We could make a start.
I tell you what.
I'll e-mail my friend Terry.
Anorak man.
He might know.
HE'S a bit obsessive.
- You're good at this.
- Expert.
Have you got any porn?
What's his surname? Gadds?
What if we get something on him?
- I'll use it.
- And do what? Stop the wedding?
Would you, though?
He might be an idiot,
but she still loves him.
You don't like
your mother's boyfriend.
Plenty of people
don't like yours.
Yeah.
You're not going
to end up like her.
50, and desperate for
any man that comes along.
Cos if I get things right,
I sort of plan on
sticking around.
It's a long time to last.
Good.
Shall we leave it?
OK.
We might as well.
I still don't like him.
She'll be married.
She'll be happy.
And you can...
move out.
Eventually, you can...
- Hello.
- Hello.
How are you, then?
I'm fine. How are you?
Who's that?
Probably kids.
Robert!
I'll tuck myself into
the spare room.
You won't even know I'm here.
I'd have gone to Aunt Susan's,
but she's in South Africa.
- Don't mind me.
- What are you doing?
Let's see him cook his own
meals for a day or two.
Just carry on with
what you're doing.
Robert, there's some dresses
on the back seat. Would you get them
for me? It's pouring down out there.
Now, a good whisky.
Eight in the morning and I'm
not dressed. The luxury!
And tell your mother... Look.
I'm walking about in socks
and the world hasn't ended.
Later on, I might eat some
cheese without using a plate.
Isn't this a bit daft?
I can be daft.
I can do anything I like now.
Might even fart.
It's not serious, though.
Isn't it?
It's just a row and you know it.
Come on.
You tell me.
You're the inspiration.
Boys one minute, girls the next.
That's marvellous.
It's officially marvellous.
I read it in the papers.
You're allowed to do anything.
What about the rest of us?
Well, I can be liberated,
even at my age.
Come round tonight.
Come and talk to her.
I'll make some tea.
Tonight, I'm getting pissed.
Tomorrow, I might go skiing.
Tell her I'm busy.
The diary is full.
She's familiar with the phrase.
And Mum says they haven't had sex for
six years, or something. Six years!
Do I want my mother
telling me that?
She's in the bloody spare room.
What if she never leaves?
Listen.
I can't do Sports Day tomorrow.
I've got the wedding. Rose's
mother. Can you cover for me?
The date was fantastic.
Shit.
Tell me later.
I'll see you lunch time.
No, I can't... I'll phone you.
Don't complain. It's tradition.
See you tomorrow morning.
Rose, you're in charge.
She's having a COUPLE of drinks. There's
nothing worse than a woman with a hangover.
- Yes, sir.
- We're off!
- Go on, get out!
- Can I have some?
- No.
- You get packed.
- After the ceremony, you're off to your mum's.
- Out! Out! Out!
Right. Right.
- Bye!
- Bye! See you.
See you tomorrow!
Opera on radio.
It's like being 15. Both
stuck at home with our mums.
I don't think Dad's coming tomorrow.
Mum says he won't remember.
Can you turn it down?
Sorry.
She's washed the curtains.
Do curtains need washing?
What's yours up to?
She's behaving herself. She's on
the apple juice. It's a miracle.
Are you happy for her, though?
I think I am, yeah.
That's your fault.
Fair do's. Bit of a sex bomb,
Trevor. He's just my type.
You've got a call waiting.
Leave it. They'll hang up.
Please try later.
The person you are calling...
Surprise! It's me! Ta-da!
I bet you never expected that.
I won't keep you.
Um... I just had a thought.
Um... I thought... I thought...
Um... what did I think?
Er, Christmas cards.
Christmas cards. I want to get
my own Christmas cards printed.
- What's this got to do with me?
- You're a graphic designer.
I don't do Christmas cards.
I'm sort of busy. Do you mind?
But you might know
somebody who does.
I'll send you a couple of names,
all right? Gotta go.
- Can I come round?
- I'll e-mail them.
It would be quicker
if I came round.
Holly, what is this about?
What do you really want?
I just hardly ever see you these
days. We could have a chinwag.
- What about?
- I don't know. Anything. You know.
Bob and things.
What about him?
I don't know. What about him?
He's all right, isn't he?
Well, yeah. What do YOU think?
OK.
Let's meet up, then.
Give me a call in the morning.
I hope you're looking at
something decent there.
Do you mind? It's work.
It's nice, Bristol,
Monica Gossage said.
They've got a balloon festival.
Hot-air balloons.
I read a book once about the sewers
of Bristol. Apparently, it's fascinating.
You're a bundle of fun.
- Is that better?
- Yeah, no-one'll notice.
Of all the days to get a spot.
That's nerves, that is.
Give us another one.
Cheers, my dears.
Is that the flowers?
It's only Bob.
Young love. Cant keep away.
There goes Rose. Bless 'em.
Tell her to stop messing.
She's missing her turn in the
bathroom. Dean, will you hurry up!
I've got to tell her.
- Do you want me to come with you?
- No, you just... piss off. I'll...
Shit!
I've got to.
I'll phone you.
Mother and daughter time.
- I'll put t'kettle on.
- You're doing my hair!
What do you think?
Jill says natural,
and I think it looks like
I haven't made an effort.
Mum, I...
I don't want to do this...
I know all about the birds
and the bees, thank you very much!
Has Trevor said anything
to you about being in debt?
Cos I've... found this stuff.
- Has Dean got dressed yet?
- He's downstairs.
You know that Trevor's into
all that James Bond stuff?
Seriously. He's printed a
magazine. You know, like a fanzine.
The sort of thing
they do for fans.
- But he sold this magazine...
- Listen to you. Miss Moneypenny!
But he printed photos from the film,
and you can't, cos it's copyright.
- He broke the copyright.
- Jill, you can finish me off now!
He was sued, like big time.
He was sued by MGM.
He was fined. Did he tell you?
- Did he tell you he was fined?
- Well, I've been fined for parking.
He was fined 30,000 quid.
I'm... I'm so sorry. It's...
It's all down there.
That explains everything.
You'll say anything, won't you?
You didn't like that man
- from the moment you met him.
- 30,000 quid, Mum.
- Where's that rubbish from?
- Bob found it on the Internet.
- Bob would, wouldn't he? Nice posh Bob.
- It's all true!
MGM and Trevor?!
I've seen you laughing at him.
Laughing at the both of us.
Well, go on, then.
Phone the bank,
check your joint account.
- Go on, ask them.
- I will not.
Go on, prove me wrong.
I'm marrying him.
Do you know what that means?
There's that £2,000 I gave you,
the ISA that you cashed
in and Trevor's wages.
Even with bills coming in,
- there should be £2,000 left.
- Some of us find a man.
Some of us don't get so desperate
we have to trawl Canal Street.
But you're happy with Posh Bob, cos
you can look down your nose at me.
I don't want to do this.
Phone them.
Why would I make it up?
He's made you sign
over the house.
You can't bear to see me happy,
can you?
Cos the moment I'm happy,
you can't sneer at me any more.
Can't take the piss.
Jill,
we're finishing off at yours!
And you had to do it now.
You're just vile, Rose.
You're just vile.
What if she doesn't turn up?
YOU could marry him.
You're free.
Here they come!
Maybe she didn't tell her.
Hello.
She told her.
How was it?
Hey, give overt!
- Let me do it. Let me do it.
- Listen,
you can nag me
when we're married.
Have we got to go in? I think
it's about time, don't you?
We are gathered
to give recognition.
We are gathered
to give recognition
to the worth and beauty of love,
and to add our best
wishes and support
to the words which will unite
Trevor and Carol in marriage.
Now, should there be anyone here
who has any just cause why this couple
should not be united in marriage,
they must speak now,
or forever hold their peace.
Trevor Gadds,
do you take Carol Cooper
to be your wedded wife,
to live together in marriage?
Do you promise to love her,
comfort her, honour and keep her,
for better or worse,
for richer for poorer,
in sickness or in health,
and forsaking all others, be faithful
to her so long as you both shall live?
I do.
Carol Cooper,
do you take Trevor Gadds
to be your wedded husband,
to live together in marriage?
Do you promise to love him,
comfort him,
honour and keep him,
for better or worse, for richer for
poorer, in sickness or in health,
and forsaking all
others be faithful to him,
so long as you both shall live?
Can I make a phone call?
- Pardon?
- Phone call. I just need to...
Rose, have you got your phone?
- Let's go outside.
- I just want to phone.
Have mine.
I won't be a moment.
What's the number?
- We can do this outside.
- Number, please.
- What is it? What are you doing?
- I'm just checking.
Don't be silly!
You can do this afterwards.
Nervous. She's just nervous.
Hello.
Yes, my name's Carol Cooper.
I'd like to check the state
of my current account.
It's a joint account,
- number 46266636...
- Is this your idea?
Don't have a go at her.
...password Blofeld.
Can you tell me
how much is in it?
- Give me that.
- Don't touch her!
Yes.
Yes, I see. Thank you.
- You don't have to.
- Thank you. Yes, as we were.
- Carol Cooper...
- We've done all that, yes.
...so long as
you both shall live?
How much?
£32.
We had two thousand.
Yes.
We can talk about it afterwards.
Just say, "I do."
- £32?
- Say, "I do."
£32?!
I don't.
I don't.
I do not!
You can? Do this to me!
I paid for the buffet!
Don't be so silly! You can't
just walk out like this!
We've got a commitment!
We've got a contract!
I own half the house!
- Who's your solicitor?
- What's it got to do with you?
Whoever he is, mine's better.
See you in court.
All right, all right. Ssh!
I won't be late.
You go on and have a life.
Go on.
Hello, stranger. We're just going
out for a meal. Do you want to come?
You won't believe what's
been happening round here.
No, no, it's all right.
No, I just was phoning round.
I don't really feel
like going out.
Are you all right?
No, he dumped me. Gary Speight.
He just phoned up and dumped me.
Were you going out with him? I thought
it was just a date. Bob never said.
Yeah, well. Bob didn't even ask.
- Rose.
- Thanks.
Could you get that?
I'm the skivvy.
- Hiya.
- I'm not coming.
I'm busy. I'll see you tomorrow.
You're a selfish git,
- you.
- What have I done?
- Never you mind.
Just think about it.
You're bloody useless.
I'll phone you later.
OK. See you.
Just passing.
Haven't caught up in ages.
Your mum gave me that stare.
She's moved in!
It's like...
Do you want to go out? Get pissed?
Like, really, really pissed?
Yeah.
Bollocks to Gary. He's gone.
So, what happened to Trevor?
It was brilliant. Trevor
goes round to the back door,
my mum phones the police. Seven
minutes, that's all it took 'em.
Car pulls up, Trevor's
scared to death... Beautiful!
So, apparently,
Trevor goes white.
And this policeman's dead nice!
He's just laughing at
all the stuff on the street.
He didn't arrest him,
but he packed off sharpish.
I can't be arsed
going out clubbing.
It's all right. This'll do.
I've got gin and a
bit of whisky.
That'll do for starters. I know this taxi
firm goes to the offie, delivers to the door.
I'm telling you, it's imported from
Denmark. It knocks you for six.
I can handle it.
He mentioned moving in, sort of.
In the long term.
Do you think he'll ever sleep
with another man again? Ever?
He'd better not.
Is that fair, do you think,
of you? Seriously.
He... he doesn't go without.
He goes without some things,
Rose.
He has to. You've made him.
Cos I can't help thinking,
what if the Californian porn star god
from heaven was naked in your bed?
- Would you say, "Sorry, I've got a girlfriend"?
- I would, yeah.
All right. A mute...
blind porn star.
So he'd never tell on you.
That's what it's like.
Love job.
You wouldn't know. Sorry.
Maybe I would.
I mean, you look at men,
don't you?
Even with Bob, you still look.
He looks. He's allowed to look.
We all look.
I mean, WE look,
and we think "husband".
HE looks, and he thinks "naked
shag". I mean, that's not just Bob.
That's men. They do.
So, this morning,
I stopped at the lights,
and there's this man
in the car next to me.
Sideburns.
And that sort of nose.
You know, like, strong.
Sat there looking at him,
and I just shagged him to death.
Just sitting there.
And he drives off. Gone.
But you wouldn't actually do it?
I can't.
And it's fine.
You know, it's worth it.
Sounds like a sacrifice.
I suppose so, but...
I was never really into
quick shags, anyway.
What if it was someone you knew?
Someone you trusted?
Getting late.
I swear to you,
he does NOT think about men
when we are having sex.
It's eyes open.
That's nice.
With me, they wear a blindfold.
But, like, do you think,
when he has a wank?
I don't know.
He must do.
Well, yeah.
And that's OK?
Yeah.
And if he wants a bit of relief,
he can just go and do cybersex.
Cos that's just thinking.
You know, it's all in the head.
He likes that.
He's good at that.
What is that, exactly?
Do you want to see?
I never told you the best
bit of news. Mickey Blake.
What about him?
- No.
- Thursday night.
You did not.
My God!
- Did you take photos?
- Not a disappointment, that's all I'm saying.
And does he really...?
Yeah.
I've still got it.
Great story, Bob.
The shag of a lifetime.
Still, if you've got to go.
You just go into a
chatroom and find a shag.
It's as simple as that.
See? Right, we need a name.
- Who do you want to be?
- Erm...
- Rex.
- What about Manchester Bob?
Let's be Bob.
Right, we're Bob.
We're in.
- Is that his name?
- Yeah, and he's registered.
I told you.
And it's still valid. The dog.
I turn around and there he is.
In those 501s, you know.
Some men can just wear denim.
Mickey Blake.
- You lucky...
- He looks over.
Keeps looking.
Just looking at me.
After all this time. Me...
and him.
- Did you go back to his?
- No.
We did it right here.
Right where you're sitting.
Pick a man off the list.
Talk to him.
Simon23 sounds nice.
Old flame.
Simon is just sitting there now.
Yeah.
What are you wearing, Bob?
- Boxers?
- Nah. Speedos.
That always gets them.
- And is he having a wank?
- Yeah.
It's sex, isn't it?
The back of his neck all shaved.
You know that feeling?
It drove him wild.
Remember when I used
to do that down your neck?
Down your back. And you know
me when I'm really going for it.
Both of us standing on the bed.
You against the wall.
Remember that?
Yeah.
And it just happens now?
He's having sex with Bob... now.
Hum around and there he is,
just looking at me...
"faster, and then I'm slow..."
Then I'm going faster.
All this time, me and him.
Then I'm slower.
Down, down.
Sweating. And then I'm slower.
Then I'm slower.
He's biting my chin. Remember?
And I'm going down...
Slower and slower.
Then faster. Just looking at me.
You against the wall.
Me. Me.
Remember looking in my eyes?
Has he...?
Yeah. He's happy now.
Empty glass.
Hello?
Hi, where's that boy of mine?
Put him on.
He's gone out. He went
out with Carl. Try his mobile.
OK. See you tomorrow.
Now, baby, go for it.
- Bender!
- Whoo!
Yeah, right.
Baby, I want to be the one.
Na, na, na.
What?
Come on.
Come on. What?
- I think it's lovely.
- It's not lovely. It's not anything.
- It just is.
- I'll tell you a good thing about Bob.
Bobby Bothways. You could take him
shopping. He'd love it, shopping.
He pays his money, he goes home.
He shops like anyone shops.
Yeah, but
I bet he tells you when
you don't look good in something.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does, but...
Well, if you think about it,
Bob's like the gas board.
Yes, Janet, just last night
I was thinking Bob's
exactly like the gas board.
No, really, though.
In the old days, you got your gas off the
gas board and your water off the water board.
Now you get
your gas off the water,
the water does the gas and the
television does the phone.
Everyone does everything.
And it's cheaper.
If I'm honest, though, really...
Don't you think it's disgusting?
You can't say that.
I'm not saying Bob's disgusting.
But IT, what they do.
You've done it.
Exactly. I don't want to think
about my boyfriend getting it done.
It's different. It is.
I'm fine. I've got a cousin
who's gay. He lives in Oslo.
I don't have a problem with it.
Until you think
about it physically.
The man you're sleeping with
has done it hundreds of times.
Doesn't it make you... Eugh!
Excuse me.
That's £2.50, love. Thank you.
And 50 and two.
There you go. Have a nice day.
Now, then.
I'll have erm...
one of those pink bows.
Lovely.
There you go.
And erm... a blue one.
- Er, large or small?
- Large.
There you go. £2.10.
Take it out of what you owe me.
What are you doing here?
- I've got a job.
- I can see that.
It was Trevor's idea.
What have I been
telling her for years?
But Trevor says it
and off she goes.
He said,
"Stand on your own two feet."
You have a joint account. The money
goes to him. Why didn't you tell me?
Cos you'd take the piss.
And besides,
now that we all know everything,
Trevor wants a drink
with you and Bob.
I think he might have a few
things to say to you, young lady.
Tell you what, let's get Bob's mum
and dad in. You should meet them.
You're going to love Bob's mum. She's
got a few things to say an' all.
Guilty, Your Worship.
Guilty as charged.
Guilty and proud
and utterly unashamed.
Erm, just guilty will do.
Are you Robert Gossage?
Yes.
Robert Gossage, you are charged in
an indictment containing one count,
obstruction of the highway,
contrary to
section 137 of the Highways Act,
1980.
Robert Gossage, to this
indictment, do you plead guilty
- or not guilty?
- Guilty.
What did they get?
£200 fine. But Monica's offered
£1,800 in total.
Dear.
I don't think he's too pleased.
He's always been fine with me.
Here she is, the famous Rose.
- My mother.
- Yes, I know. We met at Monica's.
But you didn't say who you were.
Who'd have thought,
Bob with a girl?
- Best of luck to you.
- Thank you.
Well, we're off to the pub.
Celebration. See you there.
- Thanks for that.
- What have I done now?
All the mothers, so proud of us.
Then you come along and it turns out they still
wish we'd find the right girl. Nice one.
Rose! Over here!
You and Bob together.
The Pink Paper want a spread.
Sweet.
Arms round each other!
Closer. Hold it. That's it.
What about a kiss?
One little kiss.
- That's if!
- Right,
I'm not a centrefold.
Come on. Pub. I'm buying.
- You coming?
- I've got to work.
Thanks for that. What a laugh.
I've been asked out. On a date.
I was sitting there last night
and the phone rang. Guess who it was?
- Gary Speight.
- Gary Speight?
Yeah, a voice from the past.
He said, "Remember me?"
I thought he was dead.
He's an ex-boyfriend.
He's a nice bloke.
I finished with him... ages ago.
Was it 1993?
He's a bit boring.
There he was, asking me out.
Rose, a thought.
Your mother and her fiancé.
Why not make it a proper meal?
Come round to our place.
The gathering of the clans.
I thought just a drink.
No need to make a fuss.
No fuss, it's a pleasure.
Phone me. We'll confirm.
OK.
So, Gary says, "Do you fancy
going out, like the old days?"
You should go.
Does that mean all of us?
Round the same table?
Including Trevor.
It turns out erm...
he's been married.
He's divorced two years,
no kids.
And, lo and behold,
he's thinking of me.
- So, are you going to go?
- I don't know.
I'm a bit boring these days.
We'd probably make a good pair.
Do we have to go?
- Can't we cancel?
- Well, yeah,
but I can't wait to
see my mother's face
when she sees
your mother's house.
You're showing off. I might be.
You're a snob. What if my parents
ran a chip shop in Ancoats?
I wouldn't look at you twice.
So I think I might go,
on a date. I might as well.
Bloody hell.
Hello!
Holly,
you haven't changed a bit.
Er... is this all right?
It's sort of my local.
No, it's lovely. Yeah.
Do you mind if I sit that side?
It's just that the footy's on
and I didn't set a tape.
I forgot. I don't want to er...
No, that's fine.
I'll shift round.
My bag's stuck.
Caught.
- I'll sit here.
- No, I've got it.
That was a surprise,
you phoning out of the blue.
Yeah, well... I found an old
address book and there you were.
I thought, well, fair do's,
he always sends a Christmas card.
Do you want a hand?
No, I'm fine. Bollocks! Sorry.
It's only tonic.
It's fine. It's no loss.
I'm driving.
You really haven't changed.
What does that mean?
It's not a honeymoon as such.
We're staying with
Trevor's brother in Bristol.
We're looking after the place while
he's away, but he's paying us.
- Lovely pan of the world.
- You should come.
Not to Bristol.
On Saturday, the wedding.
I mean,
you are more or less family now.
If I'm allowed to say that.
Delighted. Thank you.
That would be lovely.
- I mean, I don't want to...
- No, think of it
more as a sort of olive branch
between the two families.
After all the trouble.
What trouble's that?
Well, Bob and his proclivities.
Why is that trouble?
It's not. Not any more.
He's got you on his arm now.
But it's not trouble.
It never was.
Do you think it was trouble?
Bob's proclivities?
Look,
this is nothing new to me.
I spent five years
in the Navy.
Plenty of young boys away from
home, close quarters, under stress.
I've got the
statistics upstairs.
Did you have gay
sex in your hammock?
It's lovely rice.
I never found the need.
And each and every one of those
men, they... they all settled down.
Wives, children, the lot.
I suppose they...
just grew out of it.
Right, so it's something
you just grow out of.
Well, look at Bob.
Is that what YOU'VE done, Bob?
It doesn't really matter.
So, a gay man grows up...
stops being daft,
finds himself a woman.
What do YOU think, Monica?
Each to his own.
Where is this shop of yours,
Carol?
Well, it's not my shop exactly.
But er...
well, give me time! It's um...
It's in the Arndale Centre. Handy
for shopping in your lunch time.
Bit too handy, Trevor says!
What does it sell?
- Cards, teddy bears, knick-knacks.
- What about before the Navy, Trev?
Most straight men are
scared of the gay thing
because they're repressing
something like a quick fumble
with their best friend
when they're 13.
Not that I'm aware of,
thank you.
That's right, though, isn't it?
It depends.
You might not remember.
You might have blocked it.
- I don't think so.
- And he should know.
You don't like it, do you?
The thought of a
man with another man.
If you don't mind my saying, Rose, this
is not the place to discuss your theories.
- I was just asking...
- Thank you.
The subject is closed.
Do you sell wrapping paper?
75 different designs.
I must come and stock up.
75!
Bob's still about.
We're teaching in
the same school.
I think he's following me.
He's the same as ever.
I get fed up of his camping
about, to be honest.
He's all right. He's a laugh.
I call him Falsetto.
Me, me, me!
I can talk, though. It's all me.
What about you?
Er, don't know...
Nice little flat off
Hathersage Road.
Good Chinese round the... Yes!
Sorry. They're getting hammered.
Divorce, though, must be awful.
It's all right.
Hope you dumped her
better than you dumped me.
I was a bit of a twat, wasn't I?
Could have handled it better.
Anyway, she chucked
me this time, if it helps.
So, has there been...
I mean, do you live with anyone?
Well, there was this one bloke.
I met him after you.
It went on for years.
Years and years.
Still...
What happened?
He died.
My God.
I'm so sorry, Holly.
How did he...?
He was quite... He was ill.
It was quite quick, really, which
was... You know, there you go.
Never mind.
I can't imagine.
I just can't imagine.
Well,
I don't want to go on about it.
No... Of course not.
Do you want to finish up?
We could go for a wander
or go into town or something.
What about the match?
Bollocks to that.
Come on.
If you want to.
OK.
See you on Saturday
for the big day.
Is there a wedding list?
Debenhams. I'll phone you with
the index number. Very kind.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
What the hell
was all that about?
It was really lovely.
Honestly. Thanks.
First of many, I hope.
And I didn't mean to...
- Sorry if I went on a bit.
- Yes, you did, rather.
William,
there's no need for that.
I'm sure.
Excuse me.
You're using me.
It's...
It's just Trevor.
I can't stand him.
Exactly. Nothing to do with me.
I was just a prop. Where did
you get that childhood bollocks?
I read it in a book.
What sort of book?
A book about gayness.
Was I in it?
Did it mention me?
Read a book!
He made a pass at me.
Who did? Trevor?
No, the man next door.
Yes, Trevor.
You're kidding! Are you sure?
Blimey.
Bastard.
Quite the little militant,
Miss Cooper.
No wonder he likes her.
He's marrying his mother.
I thought it would
come back to me.
- You've set a fine example.
- Actually, I think I have.
For me?
Have you set an example for me?
You're on television,
in the press.
You're in court.
That's wonderful for me.
- Yes, wonderful.
- What difference does it make to you?
You were fighting
- in the street.
- For a good cause.
It's not about the...
Anyway.
If you don't mind.
This is my bedroom,
according to your rules.
I apologise if I caused
you any embarrassment.
I don't think
embarrassment covers it.
It's shame.
I'm ashamed of you.
Very much so.
Well, now I know.
Yes.
You do.
Here we are.
I'll take you to yours.
- I'm only parked round the corner. You get off.
- Well, thanks again.
- Thanks for the curry.
- Any time.
If you want to do it again, I don't
know. You know, a good laugh.
Maybe next week or something,
or...
I don't know. Whatever.
- Nothing heavy. Just...
- Yeah.
Er... Tuesday or...
Yeah, Tuesday, yeah.
I'll give you a call.
Right, then.
- Nice to see you again.
- And you. You're soaking!
See you next week.
Gary, it's Holly. You won't be
home yet but I can't make Tuesday.
I mean, I won't. I.
I've gone a bit barmy and I said some
things tonight that I really... I sort of...
Nobody died.
But it was really nice to
see you, though. And um...
it's my fault and I've got to
sort things out, you know.
Um... and...
there's somebody else.
And I'm...
You know, I'll sort it out.
And... You know, so er...
But... So, sorry
and bye. Thanks.
That's Trevor's
James Bond website
closed down.
He must have done something. How
can James Bond get you into debt?
We don't know he IS in debt.
It may only be £1,000.
It doesn't make him a criminal.
Bollocks! Even if you go to the other
Bond sites, there's 10,567 of them.
We could make a start.
I tell you what.
I'll e-mail my friend Terry.
Anorak man.
He might know.
HE'S a bit obsessive.
- You're good at this.
- Expert.
Have you got any porn?
What's his surname? Gadds?
What if we get something on him?
- I'll use it.
- And do what? Stop the wedding?
Would you, though?
He might be an idiot,
but she still loves him.
You don't like
your mother's boyfriend.
Plenty of people
don't like yours.
Yeah.
You're not going
to end up like her.
50, and desperate for
any man that comes along.
Cos if I get things right,
I sort of plan on
sticking around.
It's a long time to last.
Good.
Shall we leave it?
OK.
We might as well.
I still don't like him.
She'll be married.
She'll be happy.
And you can...
move out.
Eventually, you can...
- Hello.
- Hello.
How are you, then?
I'm fine. How are you?
Who's that?
Probably kids.
Robert!
I'll tuck myself into
the spare room.
You won't even know I'm here.
I'd have gone to Aunt Susan's,
but she's in South Africa.
- Don't mind me.
- What are you doing?
Let's see him cook his own
meals for a day or two.
Just carry on with
what you're doing.
Robert, there's some dresses
on the back seat. Would you get them
for me? It's pouring down out there.
Now, a good whisky.
Eight in the morning and I'm
not dressed. The luxury!
And tell your mother... Look.
I'm walking about in socks
and the world hasn't ended.
Later on, I might eat some
cheese without using a plate.
Isn't this a bit daft?
I can be daft.
I can do anything I like now.
Might even fart.
It's not serious, though.
Isn't it?
It's just a row and you know it.
Come on.
You tell me.
You're the inspiration.
Boys one minute, girls the next.
That's marvellous.
It's officially marvellous.
I read it in the papers.
You're allowed to do anything.
What about the rest of us?
Well, I can be liberated,
even at my age.
Come round tonight.
Come and talk to her.
I'll make some tea.
Tonight, I'm getting pissed.
Tomorrow, I might go skiing.
Tell her I'm busy.
The diary is full.
She's familiar with the phrase.
And Mum says they haven't had sex for
six years, or something. Six years!
Do I want my mother
telling me that?
She's in the bloody spare room.
What if she never leaves?
Listen.
I can't do Sports Day tomorrow.
I've got the wedding. Rose's
mother. Can you cover for me?
The date was fantastic.
Shit.
Tell me later.
I'll see you lunch time.
No, I can't... I'll phone you.
Don't complain. It's tradition.
See you tomorrow morning.
Rose, you're in charge.
She's having a COUPLE of drinks. There's
nothing worse than a woman with a hangover.
- Yes, sir.
- We're off!
- Go on, get out!
- Can I have some?
- No.
- You get packed.
- After the ceremony, you're off to your mum's.
- Out! Out! Out!
Right. Right.
- Bye!
- Bye! See you.
See you tomorrow!
Opera on radio.
It's like being 15. Both
stuck at home with our mums.
I don't think Dad's coming tomorrow.
Mum says he won't remember.
Can you turn it down?
Sorry.
She's washed the curtains.
Do curtains need washing?
What's yours up to?
She's behaving herself. She's on
the apple juice. It's a miracle.
Are you happy for her, though?
I think I am, yeah.
That's your fault.
Fair do's. Bit of a sex bomb,
Trevor. He's just my type.
You've got a call waiting.
Leave it. They'll hang up.
Please try later.
The person you are calling...
Surprise! It's me! Ta-da!
I bet you never expected that.
I won't keep you.
Um... I just had a thought.
Um... I thought... I thought...
Um... what did I think?
Er, Christmas cards.
Christmas cards. I want to get
my own Christmas cards printed.
- What's this got to do with me?
- You're a graphic designer.
I don't do Christmas cards.
I'm sort of busy. Do you mind?
But you might know
somebody who does.
I'll send you a couple of names,
all right? Gotta go.
- Can I come round?
- I'll e-mail them.
It would be quicker
if I came round.
Holly, what is this about?
What do you really want?
I just hardly ever see you these
days. We could have a chinwag.
- What about?
- I don't know. Anything. You know.
Bob and things.
What about him?
I don't know. What about him?
He's all right, isn't he?
Well, yeah. What do YOU think?
OK.
Let's meet up, then.
Give me a call in the morning.
I hope you're looking at
something decent there.
Do you mind? It's work.
It's nice, Bristol,
Monica Gossage said.
They've got a balloon festival.
Hot-air balloons.
I read a book once about the sewers
of Bristol. Apparently, it's fascinating.
You're a bundle of fun.
- Is that better?
- Yeah, no-one'll notice.
Of all the days to get a spot.
That's nerves, that is.
Give us another one.
Cheers, my dears.
Is that the flowers?
It's only Bob.
Young love. Cant keep away.
There goes Rose. Bless 'em.
Tell her to stop messing.
She's missing her turn in the
bathroom. Dean, will you hurry up!
I've got to tell her.
- Do you want me to come with you?
- No, you just... piss off. I'll...
Shit!
I've got to.
I'll phone you.
Mother and daughter time.
- I'll put t'kettle on.
- You're doing my hair!
What do you think?
Jill says natural,
and I think it looks like
I haven't made an effort.
Mum, I...
I don't want to do this...
I know all about the birds
and the bees, thank you very much!
Has Trevor said anything
to you about being in debt?
Cos I've... found this stuff.
- Has Dean got dressed yet?
- He's downstairs.
You know that Trevor's into
all that James Bond stuff?
Seriously. He's printed a
magazine. You know, like a fanzine.
The sort of thing
they do for fans.
- But he sold this magazine...
- Listen to you. Miss Moneypenny!
But he printed photos from the film,
and you can't, cos it's copyright.
- He broke the copyright.
- Jill, you can finish me off now!
He was sued, like big time.
He was sued by MGM.
He was fined. Did he tell you?
- Did he tell you he was fined?
- Well, I've been fined for parking.
He was fined 30,000 quid.
I'm... I'm so sorry. It's...
It's all down there.
That explains everything.
You'll say anything, won't you?
You didn't like that man
- from the moment you met him.
- 30,000 quid, Mum.
- Where's that rubbish from?
- Bob found it on the Internet.
- Bob would, wouldn't he? Nice posh Bob.
- It's all true!
MGM and Trevor?!
I've seen you laughing at him.
Laughing at the both of us.
Well, go on, then.
Phone the bank,
check your joint account.
- Go on, ask them.
- I will not.
Go on, prove me wrong.
I'm marrying him.
Do you know what that means?
There's that £2,000 I gave you,
the ISA that you cashed
in and Trevor's wages.
Even with bills coming in,
- there should be £2,000 left.
- Some of us find a man.
Some of us don't get so desperate
we have to trawl Canal Street.
But you're happy with Posh Bob, cos
you can look down your nose at me.
I don't want to do this.
Phone them.
Why would I make it up?
He's made you sign
over the house.
You can't bear to see me happy,
can you?
Cos the moment I'm happy,
you can't sneer at me any more.
Can't take the piss.
Jill,
we're finishing off at yours!
And you had to do it now.
You're just vile, Rose.
You're just vile.
What if she doesn't turn up?
YOU could marry him.
You're free.
Here they come!
Maybe she didn't tell her.
Hello.
She told her.
How was it?
Hey, give overt!
- Let me do it. Let me do it.
- Listen,
you can nag me
when we're married.
Have we got to go in? I think
it's about time, don't you?
We are gathered
to give recognition.
We are gathered
to give recognition
to the worth and beauty of love,
and to add our best
wishes and support
to the words which will unite
Trevor and Carol in marriage.
Now, should there be anyone here
who has any just cause why this couple
should not be united in marriage,
they must speak now,
or forever hold their peace.
Trevor Gadds,
do you take Carol Cooper
to be your wedded wife,
to live together in marriage?
Do you promise to love her,
comfort her, honour and keep her,
for better or worse,
for richer for poorer,
in sickness or in health,
and forsaking all others, be faithful
to her so long as you both shall live?
I do.
Carol Cooper,
do you take Trevor Gadds
to be your wedded husband,
to live together in marriage?
Do you promise to love him,
comfort him,
honour and keep him,
for better or worse, for richer for
poorer, in sickness or in health,
and forsaking all
others be faithful to him,
so long as you both shall live?
Can I make a phone call?
- Pardon?
- Phone call. I just need to...
Rose, have you got your phone?
- Let's go outside.
- I just want to phone.
Have mine.
I won't be a moment.
What's the number?
- We can do this outside.
- Number, please.
- What is it? What are you doing?
- I'm just checking.
Don't be silly!
You can do this afterwards.
Nervous. She's just nervous.
Hello.
Yes, my name's Carol Cooper.
I'd like to check the state
of my current account.
It's a joint account,
- number 46266636...
- Is this your idea?
Don't have a go at her.
...password Blofeld.
Can you tell me
how much is in it?
- Give me that.
- Don't touch her!
Yes.
Yes, I see. Thank you.
- You don't have to.
- Thank you. Yes, as we were.
- Carol Cooper...
- We've done all that, yes.
...so long as
you both shall live?
How much?
£32.
We had two thousand.
Yes.
We can talk about it afterwards.
Just say, "I do."
- £32?
- Say, "I do."
£32?!
I don't.
I don't.
I do not!
You can? Do this to me!
I paid for the buffet!
Don't be so silly! You can't
just walk out like this!
We've got a commitment!
We've got a contract!
I own half the house!
- Who's your solicitor?
- What's it got to do with you?
Whoever he is, mine's better.
See you in court.
All right, all right. Ssh!
I won't be late.
You go on and have a life.
Go on.
Hello, stranger. We're just going
out for a meal. Do you want to come?
You won't believe what's
been happening round here.
No, no, it's all right.
No, I just was phoning round.
I don't really feel
like going out.
Are you all right?
No, he dumped me. Gary Speight.
He just phoned up and dumped me.
Were you going out with him? I thought
it was just a date. Bob never said.
Yeah, well. Bob didn't even ask.
- Rose.
- Thanks.
Could you get that?
I'm the skivvy.
- Hiya.
- I'm not coming.
I'm busy. I'll see you tomorrow.
You're a selfish git,
- you.
- What have I done?
- Never you mind.
Just think about it.
You're bloody useless.
I'll phone you later.
OK. See you.
Just passing.
Haven't caught up in ages.
Your mum gave me that stare.
She's moved in!
It's like...
Do you want to go out? Get pissed?
Like, really, really pissed?
Yeah.
Bollocks to Gary. He's gone.
So, what happened to Trevor?
It was brilliant. Trevor
goes round to the back door,
my mum phones the police. Seven
minutes, that's all it took 'em.
Car pulls up, Trevor's
scared to death... Beautiful!
So, apparently,
Trevor goes white.
And this policeman's dead nice!
He's just laughing at
all the stuff on the street.
He didn't arrest him,
but he packed off sharpish.
I can't be arsed
going out clubbing.
It's all right. This'll do.
I've got gin and a
bit of whisky.
That'll do for starters. I know this taxi
firm goes to the offie, delivers to the door.
I'm telling you, it's imported from
Denmark. It knocks you for six.
I can handle it.
He mentioned moving in, sort of.
In the long term.
Do you think he'll ever sleep
with another man again? Ever?
He'd better not.
Is that fair, do you think,
of you? Seriously.
He... he doesn't go without.
He goes without some things,
Rose.
He has to. You've made him.
Cos I can't help thinking,
what if the Californian porn star god
from heaven was naked in your bed?
- Would you say, "Sorry, I've got a girlfriend"?
- I would, yeah.
All right. A mute...
blind porn star.
So he'd never tell on you.
That's what it's like.
Love job.
You wouldn't know. Sorry.
Maybe I would.
I mean, you look at men,
don't you?
Even with Bob, you still look.
He looks. He's allowed to look.
We all look.
I mean, WE look,
and we think "husband".
HE looks, and he thinks "naked
shag". I mean, that's not just Bob.
That's men. They do.
So, this morning,
I stopped at the lights,
and there's this man
in the car next to me.
Sideburns.
And that sort of nose.
You know, like, strong.
Sat there looking at him,
and I just shagged him to death.
Just sitting there.
And he drives off. Gone.
But you wouldn't actually do it?
I can't.
And it's fine.
You know, it's worth it.
Sounds like a sacrifice.
I suppose so, but...
I was never really into
quick shags, anyway.
What if it was someone you knew?
Someone you trusted?
Getting late.
I swear to you,
he does NOT think about men
when we are having sex.
It's eyes open.
That's nice.
With me, they wear a blindfold.
But, like, do you think,
when he has a wank?
I don't know.
He must do.
Well, yeah.
And that's OK?
Yeah.
And if he wants a bit of relief,
he can just go and do cybersex.
Cos that's just thinking.
You know, it's all in the head.
He likes that.
He's good at that.
What is that, exactly?
Do you want to see?
I never told you the best
bit of news. Mickey Blake.
What about him?
- No.
- Thursday night.
You did not.
My God!
- Did you take photos?
- Not a disappointment, that's all I'm saying.
And does he really...?
Yeah.
I've still got it.
Great story, Bob.
The shag of a lifetime.
Still, if you've got to go.
You just go into a
chatroom and find a shag.
It's as simple as that.
See? Right, we need a name.
- Who do you want to be?
- Erm...
- Rex.
- What about Manchester Bob?
Let's be Bob.
Right, we're Bob.
We're in.
- Is that his name?
- Yeah, and he's registered.
I told you.
And it's still valid. The dog.
I turn around and there he is.
In those 501s, you know.
Some men can just wear denim.
Mickey Blake.
- You lucky...
- He looks over.
Keeps looking.
Just looking at me.
After all this time. Me...
and him.
- Did you go back to his?
- No.
We did it right here.
Right where you're sitting.
Pick a man off the list.
Talk to him.
Simon23 sounds nice.
Old flame.
Simon is just sitting there now.
Yeah.
What are you wearing, Bob?
- Boxers?
- Nah. Speedos.
That always gets them.
- And is he having a wank?
- Yeah.
It's sex, isn't it?
The back of his neck all shaved.
You know that feeling?
It drove him wild.
Remember when I used
to do that down your neck?
Down your back. And you know
me when I'm really going for it.
Both of us standing on the bed.
You against the wall.
Remember that?
Yeah.
And it just happens now?
He's having sex with Bob... now.
Hum around and there he is,
just looking at me...
"faster, and then I'm slow..."
Then I'm going faster.
All this time, me and him.
Then I'm slower.
Down, down.
Sweating. And then I'm slower.
Then I'm slower.
He's biting my chin. Remember?
And I'm going down...
Slower and slower.
Then faster. Just looking at me.
You against the wall.
Me. Me.
Remember looking in my eyes?
Has he...?
Yeah. He's happy now.
Empty glass.
Hello?
Hi, where's that boy of mine?
Put him on.
He's gone out. He went
out with Carl. Try his mobile.
OK. See you tomorrow.