Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - We Don't Rat on Family - full transcript

Previously, on
"Bob Hearts Abishola"...

When you see Bob,
tell him I'm happy for him.

I will.

He doesn't talk
to me anymore.

Well, that might be because
you hurt him very badly.

Yeah.

- When you cheated on him.
- Mm-hmm.

With his childhood friend.

Hang on.
There are two sides to that story.

Oh. What is your side?

Well, I don't come off real good
in that one, either.



Bob has to present himself
to Abishola's family.

If they don't like him,

they can forbid
the marriage.

So, you telling me if Bob

rubs some second cousin
the wrong way,

- you can't marry him?
- ABISHOLA: No.

- I still can.
- KEMI: But she

can never return
to Nigeria.

- Or Texas.
- Huh?

I have family there.

Poor sock man.

He tries to give you
a diamond ring,

and suddenly, he's proposing
to a whole village.

It's not the whole village.



At most, it will
be 200 people.

Excuse me, ma'am.

That is
a beautiful ring.

Ah, thank you.
It was a gift.

Someone must love you
very much

to give you a ring
like that.

Eh,
I suppose so.

And do you have the same
feelings towards him

that he has towards you?

Eh, I suppose so.

- You love screwing with me, don't you?
- [chuckles] I do.

[both laugh]

[phone ringing]

Need to get that?

Uh...

Oh, it's my mother.

I'll call her back later.

I could say hi.

That is whyl
will call her back later.

We're getting married.
I have to meet her eventually.

Why are you rushing?
Enjoy this time

- while you do not know her.
- [chuckles]

Are you worried about
what she'll think of me?

Because I'll have you know,

I'm very charming.

I did not like you
when I first met you.

But I wore you down.
That's my specialty.

You are ridiculous.

Ridiculously charming.

Come on, call her back.
Let me say hi.

All right.

But there will be otherfamily
members in attendance

who will want to speak
to you, as well.

That's fine.
How many we talking?

Uncles, aunties,
cousins, grandparents.

11 or 12.

Put the phone down.

- What?
- Put it down.

I'm not ready.

You set me up.

Eh, I suppose so.

"Ifanla" by Sola Akingbola
playing...

*BOB HEARTS ABISHOLA*
Season 02 Episode 12

Episode Title: "We Don't Rat on Family"
Aired on: March 15, 2021

Hey, guys, am I
pronouncing this right?

E nle ma?

Are you trying
to respectfully greet

a female elder in my language?

- Yes.
- Then no.

Was I close?

No.

All right, forget that.
Traditionally,

I'm supposed to lie on the ground
when I meet her family?

- What if we meet in a bathroom?
- Oh,

Mr. Wheeler,
if you meet them in a bathroom,

you have already done
something terribly wrong.

It is also acceptable to bow,
bending at the waist,

dropping your hands
to your feet.

Yeah. Maybe if I did
a little stretching first,

I could pull that off.

Mr. Wheeler,

why are you
putting yourself through this?

Because it's tradition.

You got engaged
while she was still married.

You have already
stomped on tradition

like a burning bag of
doo-dooleft at your doorstep

by local pranksters.

I keep telling you,

when you stomp on the feces,
the neighborhood kids win.

And,
Mr. Wheeler,

your ignorance has
already gotten you this far.

- Why stop now?
- KOFO: Good win is right.

Lean into
your American naivete.

When you meet her mother,

wear a cowboy hat
and a big belt buckle.

And say...

[American accent]:
"Howdy, ma'am."

Thanks for all your help.

Y'all come back,
now, you hear?

You are very good
with accents.

Much obliged, pardner.

[laughs]

Here you go, sweetie.

Tomorrow's Bride.

- Oh, thank you.
- [chuckles]

Apparently, the brides of tomorrow

are all white
and one Asian lady,

but you get the idea.

KEMI:
Ah,

you are finally
planning the wedding.

I will send you a list of
dates I still have open,

but act quickly.

This dress

- would look so beautiful on you.
- Oh.

- Yes, it would.
- [chuckles]

But my mother
would hate it.

Oh, also this one.

Oh, and this one.

Who cares
what she thinks?

It's your day.

A wedding
is all about the bride.

Maybe in America.
In Nigeria,

it's all about the family.

The bride is lucky
to be invited.

ABISHOLA:
Mm-hmm.

The family uses the wedding

as a way to show
off their wealth,

and your friends use it
as a way to show off themselves.

KEMI:
Her first wedding was perfect.

Hundreds of guests,

all of them looking at me.

What about Abishola?

She saw me, too.

I remember being so upset
about my dress.

- Ugh. I hated it.
- So what? Everybody did.

But your mother loved it,
and that is what's important.

GLORIA:
Well, around here,

you don't have to worry
about what anyone else wants.

They just go to weddings
to get drunk

and hook up
with some second cousin.

Mm-hmm.
We have that, too.

It was a third cousin,
and I was not drunk.

Oh.

That's an ugly dress.

Your mother
would love it.

[knock on door]

Hello, Bob.

E kaale, Uncle.

Are you okay?

Do you have a cramp?

No, I'm bowing in respect.

And cramping.

Abishola is at
work, and Olu

"is at Bible study."

I did the quotes
because she is actually getting

her "hair dyed."

That did not need the quotes.

I actually came
to see you.

How wonderful.

Would you like some tea?

I also have
some fun-sized candy bars

hidden around the apartment.

I'm okay.

Ah, suit yourself.

It's come to my attention

that I did not court Abishola

in the traditional Nigerian way.

[laughs]
You certainly did not.

Well,

for the wedding,
I want to do it right,

and I was hoping
you could help guide me

through the process.

It would be an honor
for me to be an emissary

from my family to yours.

That's great.

- Now, I was hoping we could...
- Traditionally,

you would bow again,
but don't worry about it.

Oh, thanks.

[chuckles]:
You're really not going to bow.

Well, I guess that's why
we are doing this. [Grunts]

Uh, I did
a little research,

and I wrote
my letter of intent

stating my case to marry
your beautiful niece.

[crying]: I see your mission
is to make me cry today.

Give it to me.

I took
a few creative liberties,

- but I think it's okay.
- Hmm.

- There is no immediate mention of God.
- Is that a problem?

Not if you're writing
this letter to Satan.

Uh, give me a pen.

In the next paragraph,

you are asking permission
to marry Abishola.

Was that not right?

It is not.

It must be from
the perspective of your family

asking her family
for permission.

- Got it. Great tip.
- No. No.

What is this?

Oh, I used the flower
as a metaphor.

Lovely. But no.

[laughs]

No.

What was the name

of your neighbor I threw
a drink on at your first wedding?

Abeni.

No, the other one.
She has a mustache.

- Ewatomi.
- That's right.

Make sure you put
her at my table

so I can show off my sexy
pharmacist boyfriend.

[chuckles]

I will have Chukwuemeka

grow a mustache that
will put hers to shame.

I do not think
Ewatomi will be there.

No?
Is she dead?

Did my curse work?

She will not be invited.
I have not spoken to her in years.

[scoffs]
So what?

So, suddenly you're
only inviting

people you speak to?
[chuckles]

Yes.

You don't speak to your
mother's hairdresser.

Are you saying
she cannot come?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

You are considering
a small wedding.

If I had a drink,

I would throw it
in your face.

What is the point
of putting myself on display

for everybody I know?

And their friends?

And their friends' friends?

To show off your
wonderful life.

I do not want
to show off.

But I do.

Abishola, what has
happened to you?

This is the way
we do things.

It does not have to be.

Okay, but people
would talk.

I am a divorced Nigerian woman
marrying a white man.

People are already talking.

And that is why you
have a big wedding...

to distract them from your
ridiculous relationship.

I just want the day
to be about Bob and me.

Is that so wrong?

Yes!

But you are my
best friend,

so I support
your desires.

Thank you, Kemi.

Your selfish,
selfish desires.

Bobby,

you're just in time
to celebrate.

What's the occasion?

We found a bottle of champagne.

Had a nice talk with
your buddy Tunde, by the way.

What? Yeah.

He said

part of being an emissary

is making sure
the groom's family

isn't hiding a crazy cousin
in the attic.

What'd you tell him?

I said we don't
keep her in the attic.

[laughs]

That's not funny.

Whatever. Tunde laughed.

Tunde called me, too.

I told him it's none
of his business.

What happens in the family
stays in the family.

But nothing's happening
in the family.

That's exactly
what I told him.

Why are you saying it like that?

Like what?

He didn't call me.
[Laughs]

Why didn't he call me?

I don't want him
calling anybody.

He can call
whoever he wants,

he's not getting a thing.

We're like the Corleones...
We don't rat on family.

[phone ringing]

Oh, no. It's-it's Tunde.

What do I do?

[phone continues ringing]

Well, you heard the lady.
We don't rat on family.

Bob,

what are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood,
and I saw

you posted a picture
of your moin moin.

[laughing]: Oh, the shapes they
mold them in are so whimsical.

Hey...

did you really have
to call my family?

I was just trying
to be thorough.

But you know me.

And the Bundys thought they
knew Ted.

This was supposed
to be you helping me out,

maybe putting in a good word
with the in-laws?

Well, I am helping you out.

I am making sure
you succeed.

And I should not tell you this,
but you are doing well.

Great to hear.

So are we done
with interrogating my family?

Not quite.
I also called your ex-wife.

Why would you do that?

To better understand why
your first marriage failed.

All right, well,
what did she say?

Oh, I don't know.
I haven't talked to her yet.

Hey, Bobby Socks.

Oh, you are killing me,
Tunde.

Relax, Bob. I'm not gonna
say anything bad.

He has major trust issues.

Tunde, please don't do this.

I am just trying to help you

avoid making the same mistakes
with Abishola.

I didn't make a
mistake with this one.

She had an affair
with my best friend.

That is a part of the story,
but is it the whole book?

Chapter 12: The Mistress Named

MaxDot Therapeutic Hosiery.

UNCLE TUNDE:
Interesting.

That is the name of his company.

His first and only love.

Can I get a beer?

Alcohol, his other mistress.

"Alcohol."

EBUNOLUWA:
Olu, these were the colors

I was thinking
for the iroand the buba.

All I can see is your ceiling.

Is that better?

No.

Ah, I recognize
this ceiling.

Hello, Mommy.

Hello, Abishola.

We are discussing your wedding.

It's very exciting.

I would like to be a part
of this conversation.

Why?

Abishola,
send me your measurements.

Bimpe needs
to start on your dress.

Oh, that won't
be necessary.

I can get
a dress from here.

Don't be ridiculous!

You will not wear
a dress from Detroit.

Bimpe will make it.

And if she cannot,

I know several
seamstresses in Lagos.

But we will not be using
your seamstresses.

We will be using Bimpe.

Bimpe is half blind
and has arthritis.

I am in charge
of the clothes, Olu.

You are in charge of the food!

At least
there will be

no problem
with the food this time.

What is that supposed to mean?

At Abishola's first wedding,

you ran out of hot pepper soup.

There is no greater crime!

We ran out
because Tunde ate

bowl after bowl after bowl!

It is a wedding!

One must be prepared
to feed an army of Tundes.

Aah!

When did you first
start feeling unhappy?

Oh, well,

I guess it was when I realized

that Bob loved making and
selling socks more than me.

That's not true.
I was just building a business.

And destroying a marriage.

He would...
he would come home exhausted,

have a couple of drinks

and pass out
on the couch.Alcohol.

How could I not
feel abandoned?

Did you make these feelings
known to Bob?

It's hard to be heard
when you aren't even seen.

Oh, my God.

I see you, Lorraine.

Oh, my God.

Can you blame me

for having an affair?

Yes!

Was it an affair?

Or was it a cry for help?

It was an affair.

She slept
with my best friend.

You drove me
into Gary's bed.

Oh, really?
It's my fault?

Well, who drove you
into the bouncy castle

at his kid's birthday party?

How'd you know about that?

The clown owed me a favor.

Now, this is Gary Gendelhoff?

Yes. Do you happen
to have his phone number?

Oh... my... God.

Planning a wedding is
tougher than I thought.

I tried to warn you.

Before we go any further,

- I got to tell you something.
- Mm.

My job is very
important to me.

I know that.

It takes
a lot of my time

and attention, but
if it ever feels like

I'm putting it above you,
please let me know.

That will not be a problem.

You sure? 'Cause sometimes
I'll work a 70-hour week.

Is that a little
or a lot for you?

I love you
so freaking much.

I know.

Mmm.

We should just
get married at city hall.

- There's an idea.
- Mm.

It is the only way
we'll have a say in our wedding.

I'm down with that.

We have to bring Dele,
of course.

- I want him there.
- Absolutely.

And your uncle
would be heartbroken,

so we should ask him
and Auntie to come, too.

Mm.

If they are coming, we
should also bring your family.

Do we have to?

Yes.

And you should invite Kemi.

- Do I have to?
- [laughs]

There's a couple of guys at
work I'd love to have there.

I wouldn't be
getting married

- if it wasn't for them.
- Mm.

It would be nice
to have Gloria

and a few of my nurse friends
there, too.

This is getting to be quite
a crowd for a courthouse.

I guess my mother
and auntie are going

to get their wedding
after all.

I guess so.

Are you disappointed?

No.

It doesn't matter
where it's at,

or who's there, or what
anybody's wearing.

All I'll be
looking at is you.

I'm going to be
in a dress made by Bimpe.

Is that a famous designer?

It is a blind
arthritic woman in Lagos.

Does she do tuxedos?

[laughs]

[Skype ringing]

Uh, Mommy, I would like you to
meet my fiancé, Bob Wheeler.

E nle ma.

What took you so long
to introduce yourself to me?

Oh, that was my
fault, Mommy.

I did not ask you.

I asked Bob Wheeler.

Uh, that was my fault.

I was just nervous

about meeting the most
respected woman in the family.

I admire your attempts
at flattery.

I have received your gift...
A new tablet.

Do you think
you can buy my approval?

I was hoping.

[Laughs]

Hey, look, not finding me funny
runs in the family.

Tunde speaks highly of you.

He told me your credit score.

Very impressive.

I'm just happy
I have a great job

where I can help
provide for you,

your daughter
and your grandson.

Abishola?

Yes, Mommy.

I like him.

I like him, too.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

and TOYOTA.

Sync corrections by srjanapala