Bob Hearts Abishola (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - There's My Nigerians - full transcript

Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

Since you are no longer
interested in Chukwuemeka,

what would you think if I set
him up with somebody else?

Why would you do that?

He's so boring and arrogant.

Yes, you are right.

But maybe there's a woman out there

who can see past those flaws,

someone with a lot of love to give

and enough frequent flyer
miles to take him to Aruba.

Are you interested in him?



Me? No. I was thinking
of somebody else.

It is me.

- There it is.
- I knew it.

Okay, I have to go.

Your mother is all set,

but she'll need help
getting to the bathroom.

Uh, can't she do, like,
a bedpan or something?

She would prefer not to.

And if she's going to get better,
she needs to start moving around.

I just came to tell you

that I will not be
seeing Chukwuemeka again,

even though we had a
fantastic dinner last night

and enjoyed each other's
company very much.

You are lying again.



I am.

I told you...

there is a reason why
a man that handsome

still lives with his mother.

_

- I can't.
- Yes, you can.

How 'bout, instead of a dumbbell,

you put a bottle of beer in my hand

and see if I can lift it to my mouth.

No beer. Try again.

It's useless.

You might as well cut it off

and get one of those robot arms
Douglas keeps telling me about.

You do not need robot arms.

Oh, I get it.

The robot arm puts you out of business.

See if you can hold it here.

Ta-da!

All right, let's try some leg exercises.

Oh, you really suck.

No, you suck.

I keep telling you...

it's a waste of time.

Mm.

You have something better to do?

Okay, now, that was mean.

Then kick me.

Oh. I really want to.

Can I use my good leg?

You can try,
but then I'll kick you back.

I've been doing this for weeks.

Nothing happens.

Okay.

If you finish your exercises,

I'll let you have half a beer.

- A whole beer.
- A sip.

That's not how you negotiate!

You're supposed to
meet me in the middle.

Okay, half a beer after lunch,

half a beer after dinner.

Now you're talkin'.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

I can't!

All right, we can stop for now.

Oh, great.

You made the old broad cry.

Now your job is done.

I know it's hard,

but you're doing very well.

I still get the beer, right?

Yes.

Thank you.

_

You know,
there's a silver lining in Mom's stroke.

What's that?

Family time. Quality family time.

I agree. Family.

That's what it's all about.

Can we please just watch
the game and not talk?

Like a family.

Your mother is taking a nap.

You might want to check
on her in about an hour.

How'd the physical therapy go?

Making any progress?

Not as much as she would like.

I saw this news thing on robot arms.

Is that an option?

No, Douglas.

And, please,
don't give her any more bad ideas.

The guy on TV was juggling.

Douglas, watch the game.

Okay.

Is there anything we can do?

Yes. She needs to get
back to her old life...

go back to work,
spend time with friends.

Sitting in that room all
day is making her depressed.

You can help her with that, right?

Depression's kind of your jam.

Douglas, the game.

Yeah.

I'll bring some work home for her to do,

- and then we'll try to get her to socialize a little.
- Good.

I'm sure she has many friends
who are anxious to see her.

Eh, we'll dig somebody up.

Come on, I'll take you home.

Just so you know,

depression is a real,
measurable disease.

Is one of the symptoms
going to airport bars

to hook up with baggage handlers?

Very nice, Douglas.

What?

I was enjoying family time!

_

- What?
- That pharmacist keeps texting me.

- I thought you broke it off.
- I did.

I told him very clearly
we should just be friends.

You're such a bad liar.

I am.

But look at this.

Look what I can get over the counter.

Mm. I don't want to see that.

I do.

Damn, he's pretty.

Send this to me.

- No.
- Oh, come on.

I've been married a long time.

I need a little help to
get across the finish line.

What would your husband say?

Oh, he won't care.
He'll hold the phone for me.

Look who's here!

Hey, you!

So good to see you. How you doing?

Yeah, what's the good word?

Paralysis.

Well, you look fabulous.

Yeah, sure.

No, it's true.

We were expecting to see a
melted candle with blonde hair.

- Trish.
- You laughed in the car.

So,

what you been up to?

Not much.

I sit here, watch TV.

They make me exercise.

That sounds fun!

Yeah, like a staycation.

Who needs Cabo?

So, how's it going at the club?

Oh, well, here's some big news.

We have a new member who
happens to be a black gal.

We love her.

- She's great.
- So great.

- That's great.
- It is great.

So...

so, when are you done with all this?

I don't know.

Maybe never.

Okay, I'm j... I'm just gonna say it.

I'm sad now.

Oh, Jen, it's gonna be okay.

Really?

'Cause I'm really sad.

Thanks for coming.

- Bye. Bye.
- Okay, you bet.

If that was me,
I'd take a handful of pills

and just end it.

She can't open the bottle.

- That's the problem.
- I know.

Well, that was a fun little visit, huh?

Don't ever spring that on me again.

No more visitors.

- Why not?
- I don't want people

to see me like this.

Come on, you got nothing
to be embarrassed about.

People get sick, life happens.

No more visitors.

- Okay, okay.
- I don't need

any more lookie-loos.

"Come see the one-armed woman

trying to chew a pizza
roll with half a mouth."

Well, that's why you're slim...
you chew.

I just swallow 'em like pills.

It's not fair.
They're both older than me,

and they're totally healthy.

Well, I'm sure, at some point,

they'll have their own
medical crisis to deal with.

Don't try and cheer me up.

_

Mm. I spoke with your
mathematics teacher today.

She said that Beginning Algebra
is not challenging for you.

You should be in Advanced Placement.

- I'd rather not do that.
- Why not?

I'd like to stay in a
class with my friends.

Are you listening to my stupid son?

Given the opportunity to better himself,

he would rather be with his friends.

You will make new friends.

Smarter friends.

And one day, your hard work will pay off

and you'll be happy,

like me.

Oh, no.

- What?
- It's Bob.

His mother's depression
is getting worse.

Americans have so much depression.

I don't understand it.

I do.

Oh, hi!

We came to cheer up your mother.

With food and games.

Oh, that's very nice,
but she's not really up for vi...

Okay, come on in!

Here you go.

A real Nigerian meal.

Thank you, Olu, but I'm not hungry.

Eat.

Really, I don't have an appetite.

Eat!

Okay.

Spicy!

It's hot pepper soup.

It cures colds, fevers,

anything that troubles you.

Even your make-believe depression.

Make-believe?

I just had a stroke;

I think I'm allowed
to be a little gloomy.

Why?

What purpose does it serve?

I don't know, it's just how I feel.

Dottie, let me tell you a story.

Ah, damn.

There once was a monkey
who lost his tail.

Don't tell me, he was depressed.

I will tell you.

He was depressed.

A crocodile had bitten off his tail,

and with it, his will to live.

Can you please just cut
to the moral of the story?

Oh...

Cannot swing from branch to branch...

The other monkeys made fun of him...

Uh, he met a clever turtle...

Ah!

The moral is... don't give up.

That's great. I feel better.

Good.

Finish your soup,
then we'll play Scrabble.

I don't know, I'm really tired.

We also brought beer.

Shut the door.

_

Karo.

- Hey.
- Karo.

Gloria, that's a lovely necklace.

It's just the chain for my glasses.

I also have a necklace.

Oh, nice.

Yes, very pretty.

It was a gift.

- Really? Who gave it...?
- Don't.

That's what she wants.

Oh, come on. Please ask.

Who gave you the...

Chukwuemeka!

Kemi.

What can I do?

He will not take "no" for an answer.

Did you tell him "no"?

No.

Kemi, be careful.

He's going to want something
in exchange for this gift.

Oh, he already got it.

This was not a please,
it was a thank you.

_

♪ Pretty woman ♪

♪ Rolling down the street ♪

♪ Pretty woman ♪

♪ The kind I'd like to meet ♪

♪ Pretty woman. ♪

Wow, you look great.

- Thank you.
- What's the occasion?

I'm tired of laying around,
waiting to die.

I'm gonna have lunch at the club.

Good for you. With Jen and Trish?

Ah, screw Jen and Trish.

I'm going with Olu and Tunde.

Olu and Tunde?

That's exactly what I said,

and how I said it.

What's the big deal?

Nothing, it's just the club's
kind of a stuffy place;

they may raise some eyebrows.

Ah, those old hags
have had so much Botox,

their eyebrows aren't going anywhere.

There's my Nigerians. Mush.

♪ Pretty woman... ♪

That was cute once.

_

One moment, please.

Ooh, cream of broccoli.

Good choice.

That's right, Susan, I'm not dead.

So many old white people,

it's like eating lunch in a bank.

- This is fun.
- Yes,

and next week we will
take you to our club.

You have a club?

No, it was a joke.

I assumed you knew we
do not have a club.

But you could come to
church with us sometime.

That was not a joke.

Look who's out and about.

And someone combed your hair.

Hi. Jen Davenport.

I'm Trish Dolan. And you are?

Oluwatoyin Ifedayo Olatunji.

And this...

is Babatunde Teletubby

Olatunji.

Did I get that right?

Close enough.

You two are so cute, all matchy-matchy.

And how is it that you know Dottie?

Well, her son is courting our niece.

Courting? Oh, très galant.

I voted for Obama.

Speaking of,

we have a gal here you two should meet.

- She's great.
- So great.

Really great.

Great.

_

- Kaason.
- Kaason.

Thank you so much for meeting me.

Mm.

I got you a cappuccino with extra foam.

Thank you.

I remembered.

You like it to tickle your lip.

Your memory is as
perfect as your abdomen.

So, what was so important that
you had to see me at work?

I need to ask you a favor.

Yes, of course, what?

I need the necklace back.

In exchange for a better one?

No. Here is the problem:

my mother saw how expensive
it was and became very upset.

And how does she know how much it cost?

She went through my pockets
when she was doing my laundry.

Your mother does your laundry?

I certainly would not
pay a stranger to do it.

Well, I will not
be giving back the necklace.

Kemi, please.

Will you be giving me
back what I gave to you?

No.

I will treasure that night forever.

Good. And tell your mother
if she has a problem,

she can talk to me.

Uh-uh. You don't want to do that.

Why? I'm not afraid of her.

Because you don't know her.

Chukwuemeka, don't worry,
I will take care of you.

Really?

Really.

You're wearing the necklace now,
aren't you?

Yes.

I can feel it.

- The food is delicious.
- Oh.

Yes, very good.

As long as we don't get raided by ICE,

we got a great kitchen.

- Mm.
- You know,

they put on a nice wedding here, too.

Are you thinking of one
couple in particular?

A mother can dream, right?

- So can aunties.
- Oh.

And Bob's first wedding was downtown,

so there's no bad juju.

Excuse me, did you say "bad juju"?

Ah, geez, is that an offensive term?

No, we Nigerians invented juju.

And don't worry,

we will tell you if you
are being offensive.

- Likewise.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, if we're gonna have
the ceremony here,

we've got to book it
like a year in advance.

Are we ready to commit?

I feel good about it.

Me, too.

So what's the first step?

Abishola needs to finalize
her divorce in Nigeria.

And they'll need to start looking into

neighborhood schools for Dele.

And I'll have my lawyer
draw up a prenup.

What?

Well, it's just this thing you sign

to make sure everybody
hangs on to what's theirs.

We know what it is.

But why does Abishola need one?

Do you think she wants Bob's money?

No, but it's a family business,

and it needs to stay in the family.

But wouldn't Abishola
be a part of the family?

Well, yeah, sort of.

Do you remember a moment ago,
you asked us to tell you

when you are being offensive?

It's happening now.

Oh, come on,
Bob had a prenup in his first marriage.

Christina, too.

And thank God,
otherwise we'd have a life coach

and an underwear model on
our board of directors.

Our niece is a good Christian girl.

She would be a step up for your family.

The Wicked Witch of the West

would be a step up for my family.

But the reality of marriage is:
half of 'em don't last.

Yes, well,
we believe marriage is forever.

Till the bitter end.

Well, tell that to the clown in Nigeria

Abishola's trying to get rid of.

He abandoned her,
and she did not take anything from him.

Well, did he have anything?

You assume because he is Nigerian,
he is poor?

Shame on you!

Oh, don't make this about race.

Look who we found.

- Isn't she great?
- So great.

This is nice, huh?

Just the two of us for once.

Yes. It's funny,

we see each other almost every day,

but we're so busy, I still miss you.

You know what?
I've been missing you, too.

Hopefully we have more time like this

now that your mother is making progress.

Well, that's thanks
to your aunt and uncle.

Did you ever expect
your family and my family

to get along like this?

Not in a million years.

What's that about?