Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript
Whilst Nick is fretting over how he can seduce Mary in the two weeks before she goes on leave the base comes under a mortar attack. Finding themselves under siege Simon tries to persuade Rocket to apply for officer training,Bird and Mac eat the cheese sent by Simon's father and Mary,Millsy and Nick play Travel Scrabble,Nick being a bad sport regarding Millsy's superior vocabulary. Following the all-clear things revert to normal though the lieutenant-colonel's office is a shambles after a direct hit.
You two are talking utter crap,
and you don't even know it.
Bollocks, Bird. No way is Donatello
the best Ninja Turtle.
Aye, I'm with Mac. Course you are.
Donatello is the smart one
and he's got the fighting skills.
So...? Aye, with a shitey wee stick.
Raphael every time.
He's got those forky things.
Mac! Rocket!
Are we done with this,
having discussed it
the whole journey back?
No!
You're probably Michelangelo. Gay.
I asked you to stop this 40 minutes
ago.
So please...
stop.
Now.
I always liked Splinter the rat.
- That's bollocks!
- He wasn't
a turtle, he was a rat, so...
how can he be the best turtle?
OK, if Raphael was the best turtle,
why was he permanently furious for
no reason?
He's a teenager. Duh!
If Raphael fought Donatello...
No, no, no, no, no.
Just ignore her, Rocket.
She's just getting pissy
because we're off on leave
in a fortnight, and she's no'.
Yeah, well, thank you for being
such a tosser about it.
A whole week of beer and shagging.
Well, I hope all your beers are flat
and your tiny knob goes green and
drops off.
We should do some weights.
Want to look ally for the ladies!
Aye. Bird, is the exercise machine
ready?
"Exercise machine"?
No, the Birdiciser 4000
is a breakthrough in low-budget
improvised personal training
solutions.
The Birdiciser 3000
was a fucking death trap.
Because you basically tried
to have sex with it, Mac. In fact,
you two are banned
from the Birdiciser 4000,
cos you have no bloody respect
for the time it took me to make it.
Come on! No! No, I'm sick of
being taken for granted
by a bunch of useless toilets like
you two.
That is harsh.
All right, all right.
You lot are going off on leave soon,
and we're not.
Can we all please just get over that
hurdle and kiss and make up?
Hey, guys, listen.
New plan.
How about we all share a surprise
that I got in the post this morning?
Was it cheese frae your da?
It's a surprise.
It's cheese from his da.
It might not be.
Doesn't he work in Tesco?
On the cheese counter.
OK, here's the surprise!
You're all not having cheese!
Or whatever it may be.
Hello! Want a toffee?
Ah! You're back, then. Or...
we all died and came to haunt
the shit out of you.
Oooooh!
I don't believe in ghosts.
What about the Holy Ghost?
Mm, double standards.
Mm-hm...
Anyway...are you busy?
It's only a couple of weeks before
you abandon me and go off on leave.
Want to come back to my quarters,
make out with the best officer in
Afghan?
Ooh! The best officer?
Uh-huh.
Sounds fit. When can I meet him?
Boss? You asked me to remind you
about the kit check.
Remind me later.
OK, it's just that the search team
are here to speak to you, sir.
Well, I'm not surprised, because he
is...
the best officer in Afghan. OK,
sorry, I'm going to leave you to it.
Hello! Millsy,
what the hell was that?
What was what, boss?
I was talking to Mary.
When I'm talking to Mary,
you don't interrupt!
Oh. Right. Sorry.
Cos my chances with Mary,
they are already infinitesimal,
without you blundering in.
"Oh, kit check, boss, kit check,
boss!"
Leave...me...alone...
when...I'm...talking...to...Mary.
Understood?
Understood, boss. Won't happen
again.
I'll get the kit ready.
Thank you.
Hey, Millsy!
Afternoon, sir.
Afternoon, Nick. Could we have a
word when you've done the kit check?
I've got...
Incoming!
Incoming!
Mortars! Everyone, take hard cover!
Faruq!
Mary?
Mary!
Are you OK?
I'm fine. Oh, I'm fine.
No, I'm not fine. Sorry. I've never
been under direct fire before.
Technically, this is indirect fire,
because direct fire would mean
that...
It doesn't matter.
There's nothing to worry about.
That doesn't sound like nothing.
No, no, no, really,
they're further away than they sound.
I mean, it takes them ages
to find their range,
and by the time they have,
the choppers will be here, so...
Really?
- Yeah, really.
More likely to get run over
crossing the street.
Unless you live in a residential area
with traffic-calming measures.
Can be very dang...
Millsy? Shall we play a game?
Great!
Do you really like Michelangelo?
Oh... No! Look, can we...
Do you know what, Rocket?
I remember when I was a private,
having a stupid, pointless
conversation.
It may even have been about whether
Optimus Prime was better
than Galvatron.
And I remember...
Aye! Optimus Prime all the way.
Yes!
Yeah, well, anyway,
Captain Glover said to me...
..."You've got to think a bit
bigger. Where do you want to go?
"There's a corporal inside you,
Lansley."
Gay!
Don't be like Mac!
Look, the point is, a good officer
spots potential in his men.
So, Rocket...
where do you want to go?
Hm? Don't you want to do
something productive with your life?
I'm doing something productive!
I'm in the Army. What else do you
want me to do - take up knitting?
Look, we're going to be stuck here
until the Apaches arrive,
so let's think about how to best
use your time in the Forces!
Actually...
..my granny taught me to knit
when I was ten.
I liked it.
I made a scarf for her.
But then she died.
Ooh, nuts! Brilliant!
Mm!
No.
There's fuck all in here.
No laptops, no Xbox,
no DVDs.
Fuck all.
Twenty minutes, they'll be gone.
Trust me.
Oh, friends of yours, are they?
No.
Perhaps distant cousins.
They're young, just letting off
steam.
Oh, steam and mortars.
You know, Faruq, I sometimes wonder
whose side you're on in this war.
On your side, obviously!
You pay me.
I reckon if the Taliban took over
tomorrow, you'd hang out the flags.
Flags are not permitted
under the Taliban!
Fuck, it's getting closer.
Relax! This always happens.
They fire their mortars.
Boom, boom, boom, boom!
Your helicopters arrive, and then
boom, boom, boom, boom...
It is the circle of life.
You want DVD of Lion King?
We shall agree 20.
Do I look like I was born
yesterday? Fine.
Have you noticed
there's a mortar attack going on?
Of course!
She's very observant.
For a woman. Bye-bye!
Wanker!
His balls must be made of granite.
And his head must be made of balls.
I've been meaning to ask you.
Hm?
Does Nick often flick you on the
forehead when he's cross with you?
Oh, no, no, no.
Sometimes it's the cheeks.
Or the ears.
So, what are you going to do
when you get back?
Oh!
Go home.
Fish supper.
Ohhh!
Go to bed.
Yes...?
Get up.
Eggs and beans.
Back to bed.
Oh, probably get a pie for lunch!
Yeah, actually... Doesn't matter.
I was thinking I might apply
for Sandhurst.
Next year, or something.
What do you think?
But they knocked you back!
Said you're not officer material.
That was Captain Glover who said
that. Ages ago.
Was he no' the one that said
you'd only be a corporal?
No. Well...
He didn't mean that I could only
be...
What he meant was he...
He was wrong.
Basically.
Anyway... I've never actually
applied to be an officer,
so I thought I could now.
Reckon I'm in with a shout?
I...I cannae sit around here
blethering all day.
I need to look ally for leave.
Time to unveil the Birdiciser 4000!
Bird said you couldn't.
Nice work, Bird!
Oh, yeah!
Will you stop that?
I've got this admin to do.
Fuck off. No admin.
Fridge.
We've hit...paydirt!
We can't eat it.
Can't we?
No, we should put it back in the
fridge.
Aye.
We should stop looking at it.
Aye.
Yes, I like where you're going
with this, Captain,
but had you thought of firing rockets
from the helicopters?
You had? Marvellous.
Bye!
Now, I thought you'd like to see
this.
I presume you'd already heard.
Colonel Morris, yeah.
Got the news last night.
A sad day. Did he take you
all the way through your training?
Yeah, most of it. The whole ATO
and high-threat courses.
What a fucking waste.
Spends his whole life defusing IEDs
then dies during routine surgery.
He had my number
as soon as I turned up at Kineton.
He said, "You are an arrogant twat,
Medhurst.
"You'd better have something
to be arrogant about."
Wise words.
Really knew his men.
Knew who needed to be
knocked down a peg or two.
And is that what you aspire to?
Yeah, I think I know my men pretty
well.
Er, Millsy and I are like that.
I mean, if I take a shit, he knows
about it,
although that is mainly due
to those dodgy figs Faruq got me.
Er, I know Bird.
Yes, I'd heard about that.
A very considerate lover, apparently.
Well... I wouldn't, um...
Anyway, Simon wants to be an
officer, Rocket wants food,
Mac wants to insert his penis
into anything he can see.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I know
my men pretty well.
What about Mary?
You don't know her
as well as you'd like, do you?
No. No, sir, no.
Er, although I think that Mary...
There she is, her first time under
fire...
..quivering...
What are you saying, sir?
Nothing.
Just surprised that you're not over
there.
What's the first rule?
"Get over there."
So you're saying that running
through a fairly spicy mortar attack
to protect a woman who, frankly,
has shown little interest in me
will make her want to have sex with
me?
Yeah, that... That is actually...
That is actually quite a good
idea. Good luck.
Right.
This is actually really fucking
dangerous.
Mary, don't panic, it's all right,
I'm here.
And you're here too.
And you're both fine.
Everyone's playing Scrabble.
Brilliant. How nice.
So, er...
So you're OK, then?
Well, I just lost by 150 points,
but other than that...
Since when have you two
been playing Scrabble?
A few weeks, boss. Sorry I didn't
tell you. It's just that I know
you don't like the game, so...
What?
Love Scrabble. Fuckin'...
love Scrabble. Why do you think
I don't like Scrabble?
Oh, it's just the comments.
You know, "Are you playing
that stupid game again, Millsy?"
"Are you playing that stupid
fucking game again, Millsy?"
"Are you playing that stupid
fucking boring game again, Millsy?"
Yes, yes, all right.
Millsy's quite the expert.
He's a man of hidden talents.
Oh, no, I wouldn't say that, Padre.
No, I like it. My dad played it all
the time. And I am getting better.
In fact, my online rating is 1,746,
which is probably
just a few lucky games, and...
I mean thank you.
Just...
..didn't realise you guys were into
it as much as I am.
Oh, really? I just assumed
you knew where your men were
and what they were up to. No?
I've just had this bloody
conversation! I know my men fine.
I know them very, very well,
obviously.
Do you? OK. All right,
what do you want to know?
What, the fact that Simon cried
at the end of War Horse?
Well, that is quite a moving film.
It's a fucking horse, Mary!
Anyway, I was talking about important
stuff, like just before this tour,
Rocket split up with his girlfriend.
What was her name?
Um...
Morag McBorag?
Karen.
What does Mac miss most about
Scotland?
Scottish flange?
Mussels? The gym.
The cold. He hates the heat.
Well, I'll have some air-con
installed above his bunk, shall I?
Next question. What is it, something
about Bird's mum's hamster?
How old's Bird's daughter?
Don't worry, Nick, it isn't yours.
Because she hasn't got one!
Er, yeah, very funny. So, are we
playing Scrabble, then, or what?
Really, boss?
Yeah!
Fun times. Go Scrabble.
When he said he wasnae gonnae share
it...
..he didn't mean it, did he?
He's always shared it before.
Exactly.
So all we're doing...
is taking our bit...
that he would have given us anyway.
Yeah. So...that...
is the rest of our third.
And we'll save that bit for the
others. Yeah, we'll, er...
guard it for the others.
Aye!
Guard it. Good.
It's fucking grim cheese.
It takes like plastic.
Not even nice plastic.
Why don't you like Mac?
He's a nice enough guy.
Well... But he's going to bimble
along
in the Army for as long as possible,
and he's never going to progress,
he's never going to get promoted.
So?
You want to get promoted, don't you,
be a lance corporal, like me?
Can I be a lance corporal
who's no' like you?
Ho-ho, very funny.
Is it?
Look, if you want to...
If you want to get on,
you've got to volunteer for stuff,
do courses,
so people can spot your potential.
I've already applied for
the commando training course.
You're going commando, skip?
Oh...
Brilliant!
Well...
Look, once I've done that,
I'll be in good shape
to take a shot at Sandhurst.
Aye. Good luck with that.
You should take a look at these.
You could do close reconnaissance,
the sniper course,
mortar operator...
Ah, Mac reckons the courses
are full of fucking try-hards.
Well, I'm not a try-hard, am I?
Trying hard is a good
thing...sometimes.
Aye.
We should've tried it toasted.
That...
is a fucking gleaming idea.
If we come up wi' a good recipe,
the others'll thank us.
Fuck! Fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Shit!
So, um...
one, two, three,
six, eleven...
Hang on, hang on.
What the fuck is "loamier"?
"Loamier"?
"Loam."
Soil. "Loamy."
Like soil.
"Loamier." More like soil.
Can't fault the logic.
Congratulations, Millsy, on knowing
tons of words you'll never use
except in this stupid fucking boring
game.
Nick? Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Nothing I like more than
learning comparative words for soil.
I'm sure they'll come in handy.
"Er, boss, there's an IED over
there."
"Oh, really, Millsy?
"And how much more loamy is the soil
in which it has been emplaced?
"Can we agree it is loamier?"
I heard about your old CO.
Yeah, it's fine. Really.
Were you close?
Yeah, actually.
Trained me.
Best officer I ever met.
I'm here if you want to talk to me.
Look, boss...
..if you're worried you're not as
good an officer as him, don't worry.
You're a really good officer.
You're one of the best.
The best. Better than the best.
All right, calm down, Millsy.
My go.
"Bang."
That's appropriate!
Yes, it's very good!
What the fuck?
Oh, fuck.
CO's office has been hit.
Millsy, stay inside with Mary.
Give me one!
Sir!
Looking for me?
Oh, bloody hell, sir!
Everyone under fucking cover, now!
Ahhh!
Fancy a coffee, Nick?
Sure.
You want special coffee?
I...very much doubt it.
You should have a go on this, skip.
Want to look ally for your wedding
photos, don't you?
Your missus wants a buff soldier.
Not quite. She wants an officer,
really.
Ah, so she's making you apply!
Got ya.
No! No. I just think I've got the
qualities that they're looking for.
You know, leadership, presence,
authority.
Rocket?
Rocket?
He loves those nuts.
I feel weird.
I feel fine.
I feel weird.
I could eat the rest, nae bother.
Ah, I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Cheese is not exactly a health food.
That's bollocks. It's pure protein,
innit?
Innit?
I don't want to flab up.
The uniform isn't exactly a
fantastic fit in the first place.
I do not want to go up a size
while I'm out here.
Imagine if I couldn't fit
into my bras, hm?
It's not like I could get measured
for bigger ones out here, is it?
Mac?
Mac!
I'm finding this really confusing.
Stop staring at my tits!
I can't look away.
Anyways, you can work it off
on the Birdiciser 4000.
Yeah, well, it's not finished yet.
I need to tighten the holding nuts
before anyone goes on it.
Fuck!
Rocket... Rocket...
could you please lift
this contraption off me?
Right.
Would have been a bit of bad luck to
lose a mentor
and a CO in the same
week wouldn't it? Yes, sir!
I'm glad you're OK.
Sorry you didn't get to meet
Colonel Morris.
Oh, I met KTM.
Yes. Northern Ireland.
Really?
Yes, when I was a lieutenant.
And?
What's the first rule?
"Don't speak ill of the dead."
"Ill"?
You didn't... I mean,
I know he could be a bit...
He was a bloody good ATO,
though, wasn't he?
Yes, fantastic ATO.
Also a colossal prick.
Wow.
Really not sticking
to the first rule there, sir.
What's the second rule?
"Do speak ill of the dead
if they were also a colossal prick."
He behaved like a total arsehole
to anyone who wasn't in his little
bubble.
On one occasion, I'm pretty sure
he risked the lives of two of my men
and then gave them a dressing-down
about it afterwards.
But he's... I mean...
You've always modelled yourself on
him?
Well...kind of.
No, you don't.
You model yourself on an idealised
version of him, which is better.
You, I hope, have realised that some
people need building up a peg or two.
Millsy, for example.
Yeah.
Sure, sir.
Because you, Captain Medhurst,
are not a prick, colossal or
otherwise.
You're a shit, but not a prick.
Thank you, sir...
I think.
I hate myself.
I can't stop eating the cheese.
Relax, Bird.
Mustard's one of your five-a-day.
Ohh!
I'm disgusting.
And that is why
men never give me a second look.
Nick did.
What?
You and Nick. In Andover.
Does everyone know about that?
Aye.
How?
He told us.
Fucking hell!
That was supposed to be a secret!
What a shit!
Didn't know you fancied him.
Everyone fancies Nick.
Mary doesn't.
Yeah, she does.
She hides it well.
No, she doesn't.
Anyway...
he gave you a bit more than
a second look, didn't he?
Yeah, and then told everyone about
it. No fucking respect.
What? But you two got it out of the
way because he does respect you.
You what?
He thinks you're brilliant.
If he didn't give a shit about you,
right,
he'd be pestering you,
then he'd shag you then ignore you.
Then shag you again.
Then ignore you again.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Aye.
You're too good for him.
And he knows it.
Cheers, Mac. You know we're going to
have to finish the lot,
destroy the evidence?
I think I'm gonnae boak.
Have some more cheese!
It settles the stomach.
Jesus!
All I'm saying is
Nick's job is very stressful.
But I know that he does sometimes
take it out on you.
No, I just think...
Not intentionally.
So if there is something
that's annoying...
Actually, you know what does get me?
Good!
His attitude to this.
Scrabble?
Yeah. I mean like just now.
He was pretending to like it.
He doesn't really like it at all.
Yeah. I was getting that.
I mean, it's pretty simple -
a word's either in the book or it
isn't.
Millsy...?
Yeah?
Is this really about Scrabble?
Yeah...
OK...
So...
Maybe I should just apply for
Sandhurst and be done with it.
Do you really think
I could do that sniper course?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Brilliant!
Might just do that.
You know what, skip?
You should be an officer.
Oh! Well...
thank you, Rocket!
That's... Cheers.
A careers officer.
You're pure brilliant at encouraging
folk.
A careers officer.
Aye!
You could sit in one of
them recruitment places
and talk to the folk when they come
in, get them to join the Army!
You'd be good at that.
Thank you.
And the one in Edinburgh's
only a two-minute walk frae a
Greggs! Is it?
Actually...everywhere in Edinburgh's
only a two-minute walk frae a Greggs.
Right. Good. Come on.
That's the all-clear.
Greggs do brilliant Scotch pies.
Fuck, I'm starving.
I am not moving to Edinburgh
for a Greggs Scotch pie!
Aye, well, if you want something
posh,
there's a Pret A Manager just
opposite.
I'll bear that in mind.
Everyone OK?
Yeah, good. You?
Yeah.
Ah...
Better get a new one of those.
You want Portakabin?
A'right?
Ahhh!
I'd like to think that you got
fragged,
but I'm pretty sure you've been
on the Birdiciser, hm?
Yeah, Rocket started it.
Yeah, well, he broke it.
Yeah?
I'll take a look at it.
Sorry, Bird.
I'll make it up to you in cheese.
Oh, so it was cheese!
That's a...genuine surprise.
But we looked in the fridge, Simon.
It's empty.
Someone proffed my cheese!
No respect!
What's this, hm?
Nothing!
Courses, aye?
Yeah, I'm...
I was thinking I might do that...
sniper course.
Aye.
You should. You're a crack shot.
You'd be pure fucking brilliant.
Oh!
Cheers.
Nick, why did you tell everyone
you slept with me?
I thought it was meant to be a
secret.
Yeah, but, y'know, you're a hottie,
I'm a hottie.
We have nothing to be ashamed of.
Cheers, boss.
I'll see you later...hottie.
Boss? I'm really sorry
I didn't tell you about...
You have nothing to be
sorry about, Millsy.
You like Scrabble, and that's fine.
Cool.
OK, so we should probably do
the kit check now, yeah?
Sure. Who's your favourite turtle,
then?
Oh, I like them all, actually.
Oh, make a fucking decision, Millsy!
Always tricky, losing your hero.
He seems OK, though.
Mm.
I told him Colonel Morris was a
prick. What?!
He wasn't, was he?
No.
But it always works.
Is that the first rule?
No!
But it's what Colonel Morris
would have done.
He was one of the best.
Carry on, Padre.
and you don't even know it.
Bollocks, Bird. No way is Donatello
the best Ninja Turtle.
Aye, I'm with Mac. Course you are.
Donatello is the smart one
and he's got the fighting skills.
So...? Aye, with a shitey wee stick.
Raphael every time.
He's got those forky things.
Mac! Rocket!
Are we done with this,
having discussed it
the whole journey back?
No!
You're probably Michelangelo. Gay.
I asked you to stop this 40 minutes
ago.
So please...
stop.
Now.
I always liked Splinter the rat.
- That's bollocks!
- He wasn't
a turtle, he was a rat, so...
how can he be the best turtle?
OK, if Raphael was the best turtle,
why was he permanently furious for
no reason?
He's a teenager. Duh!
If Raphael fought Donatello...
No, no, no, no, no.
Just ignore her, Rocket.
She's just getting pissy
because we're off on leave
in a fortnight, and she's no'.
Yeah, well, thank you for being
such a tosser about it.
A whole week of beer and shagging.
Well, I hope all your beers are flat
and your tiny knob goes green and
drops off.
We should do some weights.
Want to look ally for the ladies!
Aye. Bird, is the exercise machine
ready?
"Exercise machine"?
No, the Birdiciser 4000
is a breakthrough in low-budget
improvised personal training
solutions.
The Birdiciser 3000
was a fucking death trap.
Because you basically tried
to have sex with it, Mac. In fact,
you two are banned
from the Birdiciser 4000,
cos you have no bloody respect
for the time it took me to make it.
Come on! No! No, I'm sick of
being taken for granted
by a bunch of useless toilets like
you two.
That is harsh.
All right, all right.
You lot are going off on leave soon,
and we're not.
Can we all please just get over that
hurdle and kiss and make up?
Hey, guys, listen.
New plan.
How about we all share a surprise
that I got in the post this morning?
Was it cheese frae your da?
It's a surprise.
It's cheese from his da.
It might not be.
Doesn't he work in Tesco?
On the cheese counter.
OK, here's the surprise!
You're all not having cheese!
Or whatever it may be.
Hello! Want a toffee?
Ah! You're back, then. Or...
we all died and came to haunt
the shit out of you.
Oooooh!
I don't believe in ghosts.
What about the Holy Ghost?
Mm, double standards.
Mm-hm...
Anyway...are you busy?
It's only a couple of weeks before
you abandon me and go off on leave.
Want to come back to my quarters,
make out with the best officer in
Afghan?
Ooh! The best officer?
Uh-huh.
Sounds fit. When can I meet him?
Boss? You asked me to remind you
about the kit check.
Remind me later.
OK, it's just that the search team
are here to speak to you, sir.
Well, I'm not surprised, because he
is...
the best officer in Afghan. OK,
sorry, I'm going to leave you to it.
Hello! Millsy,
what the hell was that?
What was what, boss?
I was talking to Mary.
When I'm talking to Mary,
you don't interrupt!
Oh. Right. Sorry.
Cos my chances with Mary,
they are already infinitesimal,
without you blundering in.
"Oh, kit check, boss, kit check,
boss!"
Leave...me...alone...
when...I'm...talking...to...Mary.
Understood?
Understood, boss. Won't happen
again.
I'll get the kit ready.
Thank you.
Hey, Millsy!
Afternoon, sir.
Afternoon, Nick. Could we have a
word when you've done the kit check?
I've got...
Incoming!
Incoming!
Mortars! Everyone, take hard cover!
Faruq!
Mary?
Mary!
Are you OK?
I'm fine. Oh, I'm fine.
No, I'm not fine. Sorry. I've never
been under direct fire before.
Technically, this is indirect fire,
because direct fire would mean
that...
It doesn't matter.
There's nothing to worry about.
That doesn't sound like nothing.
No, no, no, really,
they're further away than they sound.
I mean, it takes them ages
to find their range,
and by the time they have,
the choppers will be here, so...
Really?
- Yeah, really.
More likely to get run over
crossing the street.
Unless you live in a residential area
with traffic-calming measures.
Can be very dang...
Millsy? Shall we play a game?
Great!
Do you really like Michelangelo?
Oh... No! Look, can we...
Do you know what, Rocket?
I remember when I was a private,
having a stupid, pointless
conversation.
It may even have been about whether
Optimus Prime was better
than Galvatron.
And I remember...
Aye! Optimus Prime all the way.
Yes!
Yeah, well, anyway,
Captain Glover said to me...
..."You've got to think a bit
bigger. Where do you want to go?
"There's a corporal inside you,
Lansley."
Gay!
Don't be like Mac!
Look, the point is, a good officer
spots potential in his men.
So, Rocket...
where do you want to go?
Hm? Don't you want to do
something productive with your life?
I'm doing something productive!
I'm in the Army. What else do you
want me to do - take up knitting?
Look, we're going to be stuck here
until the Apaches arrive,
so let's think about how to best
use your time in the Forces!
Actually...
..my granny taught me to knit
when I was ten.
I liked it.
I made a scarf for her.
But then she died.
Ooh, nuts! Brilliant!
Mm!
No.
There's fuck all in here.
No laptops, no Xbox,
no DVDs.
Fuck all.
Twenty minutes, they'll be gone.
Trust me.
Oh, friends of yours, are they?
No.
Perhaps distant cousins.
They're young, just letting off
steam.
Oh, steam and mortars.
You know, Faruq, I sometimes wonder
whose side you're on in this war.
On your side, obviously!
You pay me.
I reckon if the Taliban took over
tomorrow, you'd hang out the flags.
Flags are not permitted
under the Taliban!
Fuck, it's getting closer.
Relax! This always happens.
They fire their mortars.
Boom, boom, boom, boom!
Your helicopters arrive, and then
boom, boom, boom, boom...
It is the circle of life.
You want DVD of Lion King?
We shall agree 20.
Do I look like I was born
yesterday? Fine.
Have you noticed
there's a mortar attack going on?
Of course!
She's very observant.
For a woman. Bye-bye!
Wanker!
His balls must be made of granite.
And his head must be made of balls.
I've been meaning to ask you.
Hm?
Does Nick often flick you on the
forehead when he's cross with you?
Oh, no, no, no.
Sometimes it's the cheeks.
Or the ears.
So, what are you going to do
when you get back?
Oh!
Go home.
Fish supper.
Ohhh!
Go to bed.
Yes...?
Get up.
Eggs and beans.
Back to bed.
Oh, probably get a pie for lunch!
Yeah, actually... Doesn't matter.
I was thinking I might apply
for Sandhurst.
Next year, or something.
What do you think?
But they knocked you back!
Said you're not officer material.
That was Captain Glover who said
that. Ages ago.
Was he no' the one that said
you'd only be a corporal?
No. Well...
He didn't mean that I could only
be...
What he meant was he...
He was wrong.
Basically.
Anyway... I've never actually
applied to be an officer,
so I thought I could now.
Reckon I'm in with a shout?
I...I cannae sit around here
blethering all day.
I need to look ally for leave.
Time to unveil the Birdiciser 4000!
Bird said you couldn't.
Nice work, Bird!
Oh, yeah!
Will you stop that?
I've got this admin to do.
Fuck off. No admin.
Fridge.
We've hit...paydirt!
We can't eat it.
Can't we?
No, we should put it back in the
fridge.
Aye.
We should stop looking at it.
Aye.
Yes, I like where you're going
with this, Captain,
but had you thought of firing rockets
from the helicopters?
You had? Marvellous.
Bye!
Now, I thought you'd like to see
this.
I presume you'd already heard.
Colonel Morris, yeah.
Got the news last night.
A sad day. Did he take you
all the way through your training?
Yeah, most of it. The whole ATO
and high-threat courses.
What a fucking waste.
Spends his whole life defusing IEDs
then dies during routine surgery.
He had my number
as soon as I turned up at Kineton.
He said, "You are an arrogant twat,
Medhurst.
"You'd better have something
to be arrogant about."
Wise words.
Really knew his men.
Knew who needed to be
knocked down a peg or two.
And is that what you aspire to?
Yeah, I think I know my men pretty
well.
Er, Millsy and I are like that.
I mean, if I take a shit, he knows
about it,
although that is mainly due
to those dodgy figs Faruq got me.
Er, I know Bird.
Yes, I'd heard about that.
A very considerate lover, apparently.
Well... I wouldn't, um...
Anyway, Simon wants to be an
officer, Rocket wants food,
Mac wants to insert his penis
into anything he can see.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I know
my men pretty well.
What about Mary?
You don't know her
as well as you'd like, do you?
No. No, sir, no.
Er, although I think that Mary...
There she is, her first time under
fire...
..quivering...
What are you saying, sir?
Nothing.
Just surprised that you're not over
there.
What's the first rule?
"Get over there."
So you're saying that running
through a fairly spicy mortar attack
to protect a woman who, frankly,
has shown little interest in me
will make her want to have sex with
me?
Yeah, that... That is actually...
That is actually quite a good
idea. Good luck.
Right.
This is actually really fucking
dangerous.
Mary, don't panic, it's all right,
I'm here.
And you're here too.
And you're both fine.
Everyone's playing Scrabble.
Brilliant. How nice.
So, er...
So you're OK, then?
Well, I just lost by 150 points,
but other than that...
Since when have you two
been playing Scrabble?
A few weeks, boss. Sorry I didn't
tell you. It's just that I know
you don't like the game, so...
What?
Love Scrabble. Fuckin'...
love Scrabble. Why do you think
I don't like Scrabble?
Oh, it's just the comments.
You know, "Are you playing
that stupid game again, Millsy?"
"Are you playing that stupid
fucking game again, Millsy?"
"Are you playing that stupid
fucking boring game again, Millsy?"
Yes, yes, all right.
Millsy's quite the expert.
He's a man of hidden talents.
Oh, no, I wouldn't say that, Padre.
No, I like it. My dad played it all
the time. And I am getting better.
In fact, my online rating is 1,746,
which is probably
just a few lucky games, and...
I mean thank you.
Just...
..didn't realise you guys were into
it as much as I am.
Oh, really? I just assumed
you knew where your men were
and what they were up to. No?
I've just had this bloody
conversation! I know my men fine.
I know them very, very well,
obviously.
Do you? OK. All right,
what do you want to know?
What, the fact that Simon cried
at the end of War Horse?
Well, that is quite a moving film.
It's a fucking horse, Mary!
Anyway, I was talking about important
stuff, like just before this tour,
Rocket split up with his girlfriend.
What was her name?
Um...
Morag McBorag?
Karen.
What does Mac miss most about
Scotland?
Scottish flange?
Mussels? The gym.
The cold. He hates the heat.
Well, I'll have some air-con
installed above his bunk, shall I?
Next question. What is it, something
about Bird's mum's hamster?
How old's Bird's daughter?
Don't worry, Nick, it isn't yours.
Because she hasn't got one!
Er, yeah, very funny. So, are we
playing Scrabble, then, or what?
Really, boss?
Yeah!
Fun times. Go Scrabble.
When he said he wasnae gonnae share
it...
..he didn't mean it, did he?
He's always shared it before.
Exactly.
So all we're doing...
is taking our bit...
that he would have given us anyway.
Yeah. So...that...
is the rest of our third.
And we'll save that bit for the
others. Yeah, we'll, er...
guard it for the others.
Aye!
Guard it. Good.
It's fucking grim cheese.
It takes like plastic.
Not even nice plastic.
Why don't you like Mac?
He's a nice enough guy.
Well... But he's going to bimble
along
in the Army for as long as possible,
and he's never going to progress,
he's never going to get promoted.
So?
You want to get promoted, don't you,
be a lance corporal, like me?
Can I be a lance corporal
who's no' like you?
Ho-ho, very funny.
Is it?
Look, if you want to...
If you want to get on,
you've got to volunteer for stuff,
do courses,
so people can spot your potential.
I've already applied for
the commando training course.
You're going commando, skip?
Oh...
Brilliant!
Well...
Look, once I've done that,
I'll be in good shape
to take a shot at Sandhurst.
Aye. Good luck with that.
You should take a look at these.
You could do close reconnaissance,
the sniper course,
mortar operator...
Ah, Mac reckons the courses
are full of fucking try-hards.
Well, I'm not a try-hard, am I?
Trying hard is a good
thing...sometimes.
Aye.
We should've tried it toasted.
That...
is a fucking gleaming idea.
If we come up wi' a good recipe,
the others'll thank us.
Fuck! Fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Shit!
So, um...
one, two, three,
six, eleven...
Hang on, hang on.
What the fuck is "loamier"?
"Loamier"?
"Loam."
Soil. "Loamy."
Like soil.
"Loamier." More like soil.
Can't fault the logic.
Congratulations, Millsy, on knowing
tons of words you'll never use
except in this stupid fucking boring
game.
Nick? Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Nothing I like more than
learning comparative words for soil.
I'm sure they'll come in handy.
"Er, boss, there's an IED over
there."
"Oh, really, Millsy?
"And how much more loamy is the soil
in which it has been emplaced?
"Can we agree it is loamier?"
I heard about your old CO.
Yeah, it's fine. Really.
Were you close?
Yeah, actually.
Trained me.
Best officer I ever met.
I'm here if you want to talk to me.
Look, boss...
..if you're worried you're not as
good an officer as him, don't worry.
You're a really good officer.
You're one of the best.
The best. Better than the best.
All right, calm down, Millsy.
My go.
"Bang."
That's appropriate!
Yes, it's very good!
What the fuck?
Oh, fuck.
CO's office has been hit.
Millsy, stay inside with Mary.
Give me one!
Sir!
Looking for me?
Oh, bloody hell, sir!
Everyone under fucking cover, now!
Ahhh!
Fancy a coffee, Nick?
Sure.
You want special coffee?
I...very much doubt it.
You should have a go on this, skip.
Want to look ally for your wedding
photos, don't you?
Your missus wants a buff soldier.
Not quite. She wants an officer,
really.
Ah, so she's making you apply!
Got ya.
No! No. I just think I've got the
qualities that they're looking for.
You know, leadership, presence,
authority.
Rocket?
Rocket?
He loves those nuts.
I feel weird.
I feel fine.
I feel weird.
I could eat the rest, nae bother.
Ah, I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Cheese is not exactly a health food.
That's bollocks. It's pure protein,
innit?
Innit?
I don't want to flab up.
The uniform isn't exactly a
fantastic fit in the first place.
I do not want to go up a size
while I'm out here.
Imagine if I couldn't fit
into my bras, hm?
It's not like I could get measured
for bigger ones out here, is it?
Mac?
Mac!
I'm finding this really confusing.
Stop staring at my tits!
I can't look away.
Anyways, you can work it off
on the Birdiciser 4000.
Yeah, well, it's not finished yet.
I need to tighten the holding nuts
before anyone goes on it.
Fuck!
Rocket... Rocket...
could you please lift
this contraption off me?
Right.
Would have been a bit of bad luck to
lose a mentor
and a CO in the same
week wouldn't it? Yes, sir!
I'm glad you're OK.
Sorry you didn't get to meet
Colonel Morris.
Oh, I met KTM.
Yes. Northern Ireland.
Really?
Yes, when I was a lieutenant.
And?
What's the first rule?
"Don't speak ill of the dead."
"Ill"?
You didn't... I mean,
I know he could be a bit...
He was a bloody good ATO,
though, wasn't he?
Yes, fantastic ATO.
Also a colossal prick.
Wow.
Really not sticking
to the first rule there, sir.
What's the second rule?
"Do speak ill of the dead
if they were also a colossal prick."
He behaved like a total arsehole
to anyone who wasn't in his little
bubble.
On one occasion, I'm pretty sure
he risked the lives of two of my men
and then gave them a dressing-down
about it afterwards.
But he's... I mean...
You've always modelled yourself on
him?
Well...kind of.
No, you don't.
You model yourself on an idealised
version of him, which is better.
You, I hope, have realised that some
people need building up a peg or two.
Millsy, for example.
Yeah.
Sure, sir.
Because you, Captain Medhurst,
are not a prick, colossal or
otherwise.
You're a shit, but not a prick.
Thank you, sir...
I think.
I hate myself.
I can't stop eating the cheese.
Relax, Bird.
Mustard's one of your five-a-day.
Ohh!
I'm disgusting.
And that is why
men never give me a second look.
Nick did.
What?
You and Nick. In Andover.
Does everyone know about that?
Aye.
How?
He told us.
Fucking hell!
That was supposed to be a secret!
What a shit!
Didn't know you fancied him.
Everyone fancies Nick.
Mary doesn't.
Yeah, she does.
She hides it well.
No, she doesn't.
Anyway...
he gave you a bit more than
a second look, didn't he?
Yeah, and then told everyone about
it. No fucking respect.
What? But you two got it out of the
way because he does respect you.
You what?
He thinks you're brilliant.
If he didn't give a shit about you,
right,
he'd be pestering you,
then he'd shag you then ignore you.
Then shag you again.
Then ignore you again.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Aye.
You're too good for him.
And he knows it.
Cheers, Mac. You know we're going to
have to finish the lot,
destroy the evidence?
I think I'm gonnae boak.
Have some more cheese!
It settles the stomach.
Jesus!
All I'm saying is
Nick's job is very stressful.
But I know that he does sometimes
take it out on you.
No, I just think...
Not intentionally.
So if there is something
that's annoying...
Actually, you know what does get me?
Good!
His attitude to this.
Scrabble?
Yeah. I mean like just now.
He was pretending to like it.
He doesn't really like it at all.
Yeah. I was getting that.
I mean, it's pretty simple -
a word's either in the book or it
isn't.
Millsy...?
Yeah?
Is this really about Scrabble?
Yeah...
OK...
So...
Maybe I should just apply for
Sandhurst and be done with it.
Do you really think
I could do that sniper course?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Brilliant!
Might just do that.
You know what, skip?
You should be an officer.
Oh! Well...
thank you, Rocket!
That's... Cheers.
A careers officer.
You're pure brilliant at encouraging
folk.
A careers officer.
Aye!
You could sit in one of
them recruitment places
and talk to the folk when they come
in, get them to join the Army!
You'd be good at that.
Thank you.
And the one in Edinburgh's
only a two-minute walk frae a
Greggs! Is it?
Actually...everywhere in Edinburgh's
only a two-minute walk frae a Greggs.
Right. Good. Come on.
That's the all-clear.
Greggs do brilliant Scotch pies.
Fuck, I'm starving.
I am not moving to Edinburgh
for a Greggs Scotch pie!
Aye, well, if you want something
posh,
there's a Pret A Manager just
opposite.
I'll bear that in mind.
Everyone OK?
Yeah, good. You?
Yeah.
Ah...
Better get a new one of those.
You want Portakabin?
A'right?
Ahhh!
I'd like to think that you got
fragged,
but I'm pretty sure you've been
on the Birdiciser, hm?
Yeah, Rocket started it.
Yeah, well, he broke it.
Yeah?
I'll take a look at it.
Sorry, Bird.
I'll make it up to you in cheese.
Oh, so it was cheese!
That's a...genuine surprise.
But we looked in the fridge, Simon.
It's empty.
Someone proffed my cheese!
No respect!
What's this, hm?
Nothing!
Courses, aye?
Yeah, I'm...
I was thinking I might do that...
sniper course.
Aye.
You should. You're a crack shot.
You'd be pure fucking brilliant.
Oh!
Cheers.
Nick, why did you tell everyone
you slept with me?
I thought it was meant to be a
secret.
Yeah, but, y'know, you're a hottie,
I'm a hottie.
We have nothing to be ashamed of.
Cheers, boss.
I'll see you later...hottie.
Boss? I'm really sorry
I didn't tell you about...
You have nothing to be
sorry about, Millsy.
You like Scrabble, and that's fine.
Cool.
OK, so we should probably do
the kit check now, yeah?
Sure. Who's your favourite turtle,
then?
Oh, I like them all, actually.
Oh, make a fucking decision, Millsy!
Always tricky, losing your hero.
He seems OK, though.
Mm.
I told him Colonel Morris was a
prick. What?!
He wasn't, was he?
No.
But it always works.
Is that the first rule?
No!
But it's what Colonel Morris
would have done.
He was one of the best.
Carry on, Padre.