Bluestone 42 (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
When bomb sniffer dog Monty is ailing army vet captain Parekh arrives to cure him and Bird is instantly smitten,causing the over-protective Nick and the lads to warn him off her to avoid upsetting her. When he obeys Bird is annoyed so the boys have to bully him into dating her again. Simon is anxious to learn the waltz for his wedding reception but with Mary organizing a Mexican evening Nick wants to be an expert at the tango in order to impress her. Nick accomplishes his aim and takes to the floor with the padre but she halts the dance as it reminds her too much of her former boyfriend.
Well, it's not going to win fastest
search dog at Crufts, is it, Millsy?
It? The dog's got a name, boss.
Monty.
Come on, Monty. Find the device,
yeah?
Yeah, Monty, and get turned into
fine doggie mist!
Er, no! No, boss.
Ow!
Rather him than me, though, right?
S'pose.
Lucky we've got all day.
I don't think he's well, boss.
Oh, then, should we take the lickle
bow-wow to the special doggy doctor?
Hey! Good boy!
Hey, Monty! Monty!
Good boy, Monty! Good boy?!
He didn't find anything!
He's not well, is he? Is he, is he?
Right.
I suppose it's all down to me, then.
He doesn't look happy. Do you?
Er...highly skilled being
with opposable thumbs here.
Ooooh!
Would I command more
of your attention
if I licked my own bollocks?
Yeah, obviously. Er, yeah.
So until the doggy-woggy is
bettery-wettery,
the operation's on hold.
Can't they spare another dog?
Apparently not.
I imagine they're all busy
being rogered by their handlers.
So we can strap in for several days
of sitting on our arses,
and you, Mac, can masturbate
to your heart's content.
Gleaming.
I imagine it will be.
Don't forget to rinse Gloria out
afterwards, yeah?
Ignore them, Gloria. They don't
understand what we have together.
Hi, guys. Ah!
Good afternoon.
ALL MURMUR GREETINGS
So, I was thinking, I'd like to do
something really special
for everyone. Excellent.
I want to get everyone together,
have a bit of fun,
bit of light relief.
Ooh, sounds like an orgy, Padre. No!
I was thinking...a Mexican night.
Nice one, Padre!
A Mexican night?
Rejoicing in the culture
and history of that proud nation.
Exactly.
The cookhouse got sent a job lot
of out-of-date Doritos, did they?
That may also be the truth, yes.
Let's celebrate this administrative
error by wearing
false moustaches and talking
in slightly racist accents.
IN MEXICAN ACCENTS: Hola, amigo!
You looking at my donkey?
Arriba, arriba!
That the kind of thing you had in
mind? I just thought it might be fun.
And I hear you guys aren't too busy,
so if anyone would like to help...
Yeah, because when we're not risking
our lives bravely defusing bombs,
we generally enjoying painting
pretty pictures of cacti.
Gay! It is my job to organise
this kind of thing, Nick. Didn't
the last padre do theme nights?
Yes and no.
French night involved baguette
fencing and a garlic-eating contest.
Spanish night involved
Mac dressing up as a bull
and us trying to poke him
with bayonets,
and Pakistani night involved
the resignation
of two of our translators.
I think it's safe to say the bar for
theme nights has been set pretty low.
Reading between the lines, I think
Nick's saying, "Don't bother."
Oh, you got that too? Right.
Thanks for the support, guys.
I think a Mexican night is a good
idea. No, not doing it.
THEY ALL CHAT
Ooh, hello!
Stranger!
I'm Captain Parikh, Veterinary Corps?
Here to see Monty, who's unwell,
obviously.
Otherwise why would I be here?
Well, it is a lovely part
of the world
especially if you like sweating
and/or being blown to pieces.
Tell me about it. So...
Monty is...looking a bit forlorn
and is very sleepy.
So that's scientific.
SHE GIGGLES
Sorry, Corporal B...
Lynda. Bird.
Belinda Bird? Bird.
Lynda. Corporal.
Signals. Bleep.
Bird, are you speaking in Morse?
Sir, would you like some scran?
I-I was about to ask you
the same thing.
I should probably crack on
with treating the dog.
Get to the bottom of it,
possibly literally.
LAUGHS LOUDLY
Roger that!
Not roger it, as in fuck it.
But as in, you know, um... Let me
point you in the right direction.
In fact, I could show you.
I could be your escort.
Not escort as in prostitute,
obviously, I'm not offering
to have sex with you.
You'd have to buy me dinner first.
Not that that would mean, um,
we-we were in, er...
Jesus!
I know.
Worst flirt ever.
Right, Millsy, what am I doing next?
Your paperwork, boss. Ah, yes.
Oh, Millsy?
Could you do my paperwork?
Sure thing, boss.
Hey! What's this doing here?
One of them sappers
must have left it.
Probably that poor fucker
that lost his arms. Ha!
"Property of Lance Corporal
Jack Ferris."
Fuck.
I didn't know!
You know, I've always wanted
to learn how to play the guitar.
As long as you make sure you focus
on that
and not all that paperwork
I may have recently mentioned. What?
Oh. Yeah.
And you're sure it's OK for me
to use the chapel?
Yeah, of course. It's just,
Charlotte sent me this DVD
so I could learn the waltz
for the wedding.
I thought it best to keep it quiet.
You know how Mac and Rocket would
react.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Aye. Gay!
Sorry, terrible accent.
Yes, it was.
Yeah. Learning to waltz, though.
It's a good idea.
If you get it right,
Charlotte will find it proper sexy.
I don't need it to be sexy,
I need it to be right.
Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
But it's very hard to say no
to a man who can dance.
You think she might say no? I thought
the dance was AFTER the vows.
Shit! No, it's just an expression.
Oh, right.
Good.
Yeah.
I'm a sucker for dancing.
I did salsa with my ex for a while.
Oh, was that before he dumped you
because of your gambling addiction?
Yes, it was.
Yeah.
I love dancing.
The feeling of being swept away.
Away from all your...
Oh! Ooh, you don't mind, do you?
I mean, er, in the chapel.
Oh, er...no. No.
I'm not sure if the Bible has a view
on inflatable sex toys, exactly.
Anyway, I should go,
cos I've got lots to do.
I should crack on.
GENTLE WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS
LOUDER WALTZ MUSIC
Well, now!
It's for my wedding, OK?
Charlotte's more open-minded
than I thought.
I'm trying to learn the waltz
for my first dance.
Yet another reason not to get
married, eh? Dancing's bad enough...
Mary said it'd be sexy.
Mary was wrong. She said
she could never say no
to a man who could dance.
She said what now?
She said she could never say no
to a man who could dance.
Simon, you and I are going to learn
how to dance.
What? This Mexican night
will have dancing.
Oh, it is going to have a lot
of dancing.
This is going to be the theme night
to end all theme nights.
But not in the same way
that Pakistani night nearly was.
Great, well, I'll tell Mary.
No! Noooo.
Let's keep it as a nice surprise.
What's the filthiest dance on here?
Mm, probably the tango.
It's basically vertical dry-humping.
Right, we're learning that.
That's Argentinian, not Mexican.
So? Salsa's Mexican.
Salsa's for wankers.
We're doing the tango.
Besides, it's time we learned to
embrace our Argentinian friends.
Unless they try it on again, in which
case, we'll brass the fuckers up.
Hang on! I need to learn the waltz.
Simon, tango with me, I promise you
waltzing to your heart's content.
Fine. Right.
BOTH: You're being the women.
No!
Simon, this is for Mary.
You're being the woman.
As long as you're the woman for me
later.
Simon, I thought you'd never ask.
# She don't want to go outside
tonight
# Cos in a pipe
she'll fly to the motherland
# Find love with another man
# It's too cold outside
# For angels to fly. #
ROCKET: That was nice!
Yes, thank you very much,
Chris fucking Martin.
It's Ed Sheeran, actually, boss.
You learnt that
in a couple of hours?
Well, yeah, I had a head start,
I used to play the viola.
So, have we got any transport coming
or do I get to sit around
for four to six more hours?
Oi, oi, Bird! Coming.
Anyway, the local farmer's
got a sick goat, so I'd better go.
Hearts and minds, you know?
Oh!
SHE GIGGLES
Hearts and minds, yeah. Good one.
Hearts and minds, even
the hearts and minds of the goats.
Yeah, I think I said
hearts and minds too much.
I'm all about the hearts and minds.
And the other organs, of course.
Oh! Because, yeah, yeah,
you are a vet.
Brilliant. Brilliant.
Bird! Come on!
Oh, well... B...
Er, b-bye, then, um...
Hearts and minds!
OK.
So where we off to, Bird?
Oh, sorry,
I should have said, it's a false
alarm. Oh, bloody hell!
We've been sitting here
like arseholes!
We really do have fuck-all to do.
Thanks for the immediate heads-up.
Sorry, boss, I was just getting
the full story off Tom.
The vet. I mean, Captain Parikh.
ALL HOOT WITH DERISION
Fuck every last one of you.
Do you want to know the real reason
why it was a false alarm?
No, we'd rather just take the piss
out of you for a few more minutes.
"Oh, Tom! Oh, Tom!"
"Hold me tonight!"
Guys?
I'd really like a hand making
some bunting for Mexican night.
Nah!
What did your last slave die of?
We've all got important things
to do. Full kit check at 1500.
What did YOUR last slave die of?
Oi, you heard!
Kit check! Come on! Not you, Simon,
we've got to go through
our...movement controls.
What's that? Nothing.
I just want to do something useful
around the base.
Oh, cos you noticed that none
of those prayers of yours
ever get answered? Well,
one of them certainly hasn't been.
WOMAN ON DVD: 'So you want to learn
the dance of love?'
Come on,
we've got to get this right.
It's not for me, this is for Mary.
We're going to make this Mexican
night unforgettable.
Believe me, I'm not going to forget
this in a hurry.
TANGO MUSIC
Ah! The dance party
that dare not speak its name.
Well, don't mind me.
Have you heard Millsy
on that guitar? Boy's a genius.
He's wasting his life
titting about with IEDs.
He could be the next James Blunt.
I dabbled, of course.
Singing.
Guitar.
Hanging around the place in ripped
jeans, whining about girls.
No sort of life, is it?
No, sir. No, sir.
# You're beautiful
# It's true
# I see your face
# In a crowded place... #
TANGO MUSIC
Boss... I filled in the forms
from last month
which had a deadline of last week,
so shall I get started on...?
Boss, are you learning to tango?
No! Why would you think that?
Well, I do watch Strictly.
That is, my mum watches Strictly.
Actually, we all watch it
if it's on...
All right, Millsy. I'm going to
surprise Mary with a tango
at the Mexican night. Oh, right, but
you know the tango's from Argentina?
Yes, I know, Millsy. Sorry, boss.
No-one will notice it's from
Argentina if there's a shitload
of Mexican bunting and flags
and all that.
Can you make a shitload of Mexican
bunting and flags and all that?
Yeah, but, sir, I've got to do
the... Bunt, Millsy, now.
Boss, the paperwork? Millsy!
It's MoD paperwork, bollocks to it.
This is important.
You heard me - get bunting.
And whatever you do, don't tell
Mac and Rocket about the dancing.
Why not?
Have you met Mac and Rocket?
We'd never hear the end of it.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"What you doing? Dancing?!
"Gay! Gay! Gay!"
"Gay..."
Right, Simon.
May I have this dance?
TANGO MUSIC
There you go. Lovely.
Excuse me...
I'm so glad we found
this secret place.
MUSIC STOPS
Have you seen Corporal Bird?
Why do you want to know?
She seems like
a friendly enough sort, and...
Oh, does she? Does she indeed?
Simon, go and round up Rocket, Mac
and Millsy, meet me in my quarters.
You.
Come with me. Let's go find her.
So, you're interested
in Corporal Bird?
You said we were going to find her?
Let me introduce the committee.
I'm Captain Medhurst,
this is Corporal Mills,
Lance Corporal Lansley
and Private Armstrong.
And your worst nightmare, and ours,
Private McDowell.
Hello, spunk monkey.
OK, this has been fun.
So I'm just going to...
Fun? Oh, we're not here for fun.
This is all part of the...
vetting process.
LAUGHTER
We're just very concerned
for Bird's well-being.
And we've got bugger all else to do.
So, Parikh...
..what are your intentions
towards her?
Intentions? I'm not marrying her.
Oh, so you just want to use her
for sex.
Wrong answer! Oh, come on...
Shall I smack him, boss?
Uh...not yet.
So, come on, dog boy.
Do you think you can keep her
in the manner to which
she's become accustomed?
No' hard, to be honest. TV remote
and a packet of Hobnobs,
she's happy.
What we want to know, Captain -
how much do you make?
None of your business!
Answer, fucknuts!
Just over 40K.
I am fucking retraining.
That's double what I get.
Well done, you!
It's no' fair,
yous don't even get shot at.
Well, I do get shat on.
Even so, Captain, you are, with all
due respect, a first-class pussy
who minced his way through the
Vicars and Tarts course at Sandhurst
because he was good at biology.
Anyone else got any questions?
Aye. How far away is the moon?
You got any STDs?
No. I bloody haven't.
You spend your time
with your hand up a cow's arse.
You must have been tempted to slip
one in. No, Private.
I've never been tempted
to slip one in.
And it's not their arse,
but their vagina.
Hmm. Interesting.
Now, listen, Parikh.
We'll be watching you.
And if you mistreat Bird
in any way...
Mac? I'll rip your arms off
and stuff them up your arse!
Or should I say...
vagina?
Have you ever been to Mexico, Bird?
Nope.
Will and I went once on a holiday.
Well, it was in a resort in Cancun.
Will did find
some lovely local things for us to...
SHE GROANS
It's all in the past.
I'm really getting that.
I didn't know the Mexican flag
had a hedgehog in the middle of it.
It's an eagle!
CLEARS THROAT
It's an eagle.
Sorry, I'm just really determined
to make Mexican night
a flipping success.
Tom! Morning.
Oh, hello, er, Corporal.
Want to grab a pew?
Well, I'm not really, I mean...
It's all right, I won't bite.
And if I do, I haven't got rabies.
That sounded classier in my head.
It was funny. Ha-ha.
Although, rabies is actually quite
a serious problem out here.
Right.
Have a seat. Uh...OK.
So, how's Monty looking?
Better.
And you're staying for...?
One more day.
And...
what's your favourite colour?
Blue. Who've you been talking to?
I didn't catch all of their names...
I mean, no-one.
I have to go now. Bye.
Ah! Mexican night.
Good work, Padre.
Thankless task.
Still, nice hedgehog.
TANGO MUSIC
'Feel the rhythm of the music
and dip your partner!'
OK, stop, stop.
Great! Can we learn the waltz now?
At some point. Right.
This track's no good
because of the voice-over.
You know what Mary would like?
Live music.
Millsy, you're going to have to
learn tango music on that guitar.
Kind of got my hands full
with bunting, boss.
And we've run out of paper, so...
Yeah. I'm not sure
that Mary would...
Never mind. Carry on,
and take this DVD back a bit.
Right.
'Feel the rhythm of the music
and dip your partner.'
What the fuck have you lot
been saying to...?
Let me stop there. What the fuck?
Bloody hell, Nick.
I thought Thursday night
was man-love night.
It's for his wedding.
Anyway, what have you lot
been saying to Parikh?
Cos I just tried talking to him
and he could not have given
less of a shit.
Were you telling him your
"I once met a Spice Girl" story?
No.
And FYI, that is a good story.
Which one did you meet, by the way?
Mel C. Sporty.
I always liked Ginger.
Oh, what?! Oh, Jesus!
I know, I'm not proud of it.
You shouldn't be.
Ginger was the boring one
that boring people fancied
because they thought
she was a bit racy.
You know, the kind of guys
that think
that doggy-style
is really out there.
I mean, obviously,
I fancied the other four as well.
Actually, I had this dream once
where all five of them were...
SHE GROANS
Never mind.
So, look, are you going to help us
prepare for Mexican night
behind Mary's back? Ooo-oo-ooh!
# Nick and Mary up a tree
# D-A-N-C-I-N-G. #
Dancing?
Up a tree? Yeah.
Look, can you bunt so that Millsy
can get on
and learn his tango music?
OK. OK, but you need to fix this
with Parikh.
And...be subtle, right?
Subtle. Right.
What's wrong with Corporal Bird?!
Nothing! As far as I can tell,
while keeping a respectful distance.
Yeah, well, your respectful distance
is starting to come across
as fucking rude. FUCKING RUDE!
Right, what arm first, boss?
Get off!
He's no' good enough for Bird.
Up to your elbow
in a cow's jacksie?!
Vagina, it's the vagina! Because
the jacksie would be disgusting?
Sometimes you have to clear out
the rectum before you...
It's not important.
You're lucky to have Bird
interested in you at all.
It certainly doesn't feel that way.
She's honest. She's loyal.
She's a surprisingly considerate
lover.
ALL: What?!
Yeah.
Yeah, happened in Andover,
when we said we were going
to the George and Dragon.
Just got it out the way,
said we'd never speak of it again.
Well, to each other, anyway.
I spent bloody ages looking
for that pub.
Anyway, any more questions
for Parikh?
Aye.
How tall's a brontosaurus?
Morning, all.
Don't get up.
Actually, I'm tied to the chair.
Oh, yes. Mary seems to be
in a bit of a funk
about this Mexican night,
thinks she's not getting enough
support.
I presume you're organising it
secretly behind her back
to try and impress her? Um...
Good-oh. Anything I can do, etc.
Parikh, we're having
a mini-shindig tonight.
A min-dig, if you will.
You're going to ask Bird along,
I think?
We... Thought so.
Carry on.
You heard him. RUN!
Corporal Bird. Could we...?
Yes, Captain Parikh?
So, Corporal, I...
I was wondering if you would like
to go to this mini-shindig with me.
Min-dig? Yeah, go on, then. Great.
So I'll see you at 20:00 hours?
Will do.
I'll be the one wearing this.
Right.
NICK SNIGGERS
Right, I think we've got them all.
I'm going in.
BARKING
Wait, boss.
Monty's thinking about something.
Well, I'll be sure not to tread
in it. Thank you, Bird.
He's found another device,
just outside the five and 20s.
Shit.
That's a bit close for comfort.
OK, we've got to move back,
everyone.
Come on.
There's a good boy, well done,
well done, Monty!
Now all you need to do is use
the disruptor to cut the wire...
Tell you what, I'll do that.
Who's a good boy? A good boy!
Do animals really have vaginas?
Aye.
Obviously.
Do they?
You just never think of it.
Course they have vaginas.
Otherwise how would they shag
each other?
What about fish?
Eh?
Fish. Do fish have vaginas?
Aye. They must do...
so they can get fish fingered.
Fish don't have fingers. I know.
They're just called fish fingers
but they're actually just made up
of wee bits of fish.
Aye, I...
Forget it.
What about whales?
Whales probably have vaginas.
Massive fucking vaginas.
I think most animals have vaginas.
Or some other thing for shagging
and for having baby animals out of.
Baby animals come out of vaginas?!
Aye!
Where do you think they come out of?
Where is everybody?
TANGO MUSIC
Come on, Nick!
Light, light on the feet!
I'm wearing boots.
It's about attitude, not footwear.
Look, can we just stop this now
and start to learn the waltz?
Because Charlotte was quite
insistent. What, you expect me
to compromise my non-existent
relationship with Mary
for some wedding? Now, come on.
Look, I just think...
All right, ladies, simmer down.
Take it back, Millsy,
I want to practise the dip again.
TANGO MUSIC
What the fuck is this?!
Exactly.
If that's meant to be a tango hold,
you've got serious problems.
What? Eh?
Used to represent my school
at Scottish country dancing.
Only did a wee bit of ballroom, but
I know a dodgy hold when I see one.
Well, this takes the heat off me.
Mac, if you'd like to get started
on the jokes.
Dancing, gay, Rocket's a buftie...
Nothing gay
about Scottish country dancing.
I thought you were
one of the good guys, Skip.
But that's both homophobic
and racist.
You need to take
a long, hard look at yourself.
HE TUTS
What about the Gay Gordons?
There's nothing fucking gay
about the Gay fucking Gordons!
I stand corrected.
Speaking of which, Rocket, come
and show us a proper tango hold.
Come on, come on.
Mmm... Mm-hmm.
I was doing that.
And...
one, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
I'm impressed, Rocket.
Thanks, boss. Didn't know
you could count that high.
You know, I didn't expect anyone
to help,
but I thought people would come.
I mean,
at least for the free Doritos.
No.
There you go. Cheers.
Good work, Padre. Like the flag.
Gucci hedgehog.
Sorry, I...
I'm going to leave you to it.
So, did I tell you I met Mel C?
From the Spice Girls?
Really? Yep.
How come? Well...
I was shopping with my sister...
Vamos!
FANFARE
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
tonight's star attraction,
a mariachi tribute band!
I say tribute, because tonight
is the night mariachi music dies.
Please go wild
for Los Dross Moss Bros!
CHEERING
Go on, boys!
BAND PLAYS MARIACHI MUSIC
This is amazing!
Such a lovely surprise,
just when I thought you were being
a complete twat about it.
Oh, it is,
it's just like Cancun...ish.
Well, we had a little spare time
on our hands, so...
What's the bunting made out of?
Oh, interesting. OK.
Mac personally sacrificed
30 porno mags to make it.
I'm touched. You should be.
Nearly 10% of his library.
Although I'm not really sure
how Mexican it is.
There's a Brazilian.
That's pretty close.
BAND PLAYS TANGO MUSIC
CHEERING
SHE SOBS
What's the matter? Sorry, sorry.
It's Will.
I miss him so much. I'm sorry.
You're kidding!
Will you let me up, please?
I need...I need some time to think.
You have got to be fucking joking!
You'd better carry on. Sir.
TANGO MUSIC
Well, we've learnt it now.
And there she was.
Mel C.
Wow. Yeah.
You know, I've always had
a bit of a thing for the ginger one.
Really? Yeah! Yeah.
Right.
I think we're done here.
So...
tomorrow we learn the waltz,
as promised.
Promised? Doesn't sound like me.
For the last 24 hours,
we've done nothing...
Don't worry, Simon.
Rocket? Boss?
Cut in, that's an order.
There you go, Simon.
Waltz lessons.
It's a piece of piss.
Just do a triangle with your feet.
HE BURPS
Oh, how many Doritos have you eaten?
Only ten bags.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
search dog at Crufts, is it, Millsy?
It? The dog's got a name, boss.
Monty.
Come on, Monty. Find the device,
yeah?
Yeah, Monty, and get turned into
fine doggie mist!
Er, no! No, boss.
Ow!
Rather him than me, though, right?
S'pose.
Lucky we've got all day.
I don't think he's well, boss.
Oh, then, should we take the lickle
bow-wow to the special doggy doctor?
Hey! Good boy!
Hey, Monty! Monty!
Good boy, Monty! Good boy?!
He didn't find anything!
He's not well, is he? Is he, is he?
Right.
I suppose it's all down to me, then.
He doesn't look happy. Do you?
Er...highly skilled being
with opposable thumbs here.
Ooooh!
Would I command more
of your attention
if I licked my own bollocks?
Yeah, obviously. Er, yeah.
So until the doggy-woggy is
bettery-wettery,
the operation's on hold.
Can't they spare another dog?
Apparently not.
I imagine they're all busy
being rogered by their handlers.
So we can strap in for several days
of sitting on our arses,
and you, Mac, can masturbate
to your heart's content.
Gleaming.
I imagine it will be.
Don't forget to rinse Gloria out
afterwards, yeah?
Ignore them, Gloria. They don't
understand what we have together.
Hi, guys. Ah!
Good afternoon.
ALL MURMUR GREETINGS
So, I was thinking, I'd like to do
something really special
for everyone. Excellent.
I want to get everyone together,
have a bit of fun,
bit of light relief.
Ooh, sounds like an orgy, Padre. No!
I was thinking...a Mexican night.
Nice one, Padre!
A Mexican night?
Rejoicing in the culture
and history of that proud nation.
Exactly.
The cookhouse got sent a job lot
of out-of-date Doritos, did they?
That may also be the truth, yes.
Let's celebrate this administrative
error by wearing
false moustaches and talking
in slightly racist accents.
IN MEXICAN ACCENTS: Hola, amigo!
You looking at my donkey?
Arriba, arriba!
That the kind of thing you had in
mind? I just thought it might be fun.
And I hear you guys aren't too busy,
so if anyone would like to help...
Yeah, because when we're not risking
our lives bravely defusing bombs,
we generally enjoying painting
pretty pictures of cacti.
Gay! It is my job to organise
this kind of thing, Nick. Didn't
the last padre do theme nights?
Yes and no.
French night involved baguette
fencing and a garlic-eating contest.
Spanish night involved
Mac dressing up as a bull
and us trying to poke him
with bayonets,
and Pakistani night involved
the resignation
of two of our translators.
I think it's safe to say the bar for
theme nights has been set pretty low.
Reading between the lines, I think
Nick's saying, "Don't bother."
Oh, you got that too? Right.
Thanks for the support, guys.
I think a Mexican night is a good
idea. No, not doing it.
THEY ALL CHAT
Ooh, hello!
Stranger!
I'm Captain Parikh, Veterinary Corps?
Here to see Monty, who's unwell,
obviously.
Otherwise why would I be here?
Well, it is a lovely part
of the world
especially if you like sweating
and/or being blown to pieces.
Tell me about it. So...
Monty is...looking a bit forlorn
and is very sleepy.
So that's scientific.
SHE GIGGLES
Sorry, Corporal B...
Lynda. Bird.
Belinda Bird? Bird.
Lynda. Corporal.
Signals. Bleep.
Bird, are you speaking in Morse?
Sir, would you like some scran?
I-I was about to ask you
the same thing.
I should probably crack on
with treating the dog.
Get to the bottom of it,
possibly literally.
LAUGHS LOUDLY
Roger that!
Not roger it, as in fuck it.
But as in, you know, um... Let me
point you in the right direction.
In fact, I could show you.
I could be your escort.
Not escort as in prostitute,
obviously, I'm not offering
to have sex with you.
You'd have to buy me dinner first.
Not that that would mean, um,
we-we were in, er...
Jesus!
I know.
Worst flirt ever.
Right, Millsy, what am I doing next?
Your paperwork, boss. Ah, yes.
Oh, Millsy?
Could you do my paperwork?
Sure thing, boss.
Hey! What's this doing here?
One of them sappers
must have left it.
Probably that poor fucker
that lost his arms. Ha!
"Property of Lance Corporal
Jack Ferris."
Fuck.
I didn't know!
You know, I've always wanted
to learn how to play the guitar.
As long as you make sure you focus
on that
and not all that paperwork
I may have recently mentioned. What?
Oh. Yeah.
And you're sure it's OK for me
to use the chapel?
Yeah, of course. It's just,
Charlotte sent me this DVD
so I could learn the waltz
for the wedding.
I thought it best to keep it quiet.
You know how Mac and Rocket would
react.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Aye. Gay!
Sorry, terrible accent.
Yes, it was.
Yeah. Learning to waltz, though.
It's a good idea.
If you get it right,
Charlotte will find it proper sexy.
I don't need it to be sexy,
I need it to be right.
Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
But it's very hard to say no
to a man who can dance.
You think she might say no? I thought
the dance was AFTER the vows.
Shit! No, it's just an expression.
Oh, right.
Good.
Yeah.
I'm a sucker for dancing.
I did salsa with my ex for a while.
Oh, was that before he dumped you
because of your gambling addiction?
Yes, it was.
Yeah.
I love dancing.
The feeling of being swept away.
Away from all your...
Oh! Ooh, you don't mind, do you?
I mean, er, in the chapel.
Oh, er...no. No.
I'm not sure if the Bible has a view
on inflatable sex toys, exactly.
Anyway, I should go,
cos I've got lots to do.
I should crack on.
GENTLE WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS
LOUDER WALTZ MUSIC
Well, now!
It's for my wedding, OK?
Charlotte's more open-minded
than I thought.
I'm trying to learn the waltz
for my first dance.
Yet another reason not to get
married, eh? Dancing's bad enough...
Mary said it'd be sexy.
Mary was wrong. She said
she could never say no
to a man who could dance.
She said what now?
She said she could never say no
to a man who could dance.
Simon, you and I are going to learn
how to dance.
What? This Mexican night
will have dancing.
Oh, it is going to have a lot
of dancing.
This is going to be the theme night
to end all theme nights.
But not in the same way
that Pakistani night nearly was.
Great, well, I'll tell Mary.
No! Noooo.
Let's keep it as a nice surprise.
What's the filthiest dance on here?
Mm, probably the tango.
It's basically vertical dry-humping.
Right, we're learning that.
That's Argentinian, not Mexican.
So? Salsa's Mexican.
Salsa's for wankers.
We're doing the tango.
Besides, it's time we learned to
embrace our Argentinian friends.
Unless they try it on again, in which
case, we'll brass the fuckers up.
Hang on! I need to learn the waltz.
Simon, tango with me, I promise you
waltzing to your heart's content.
Fine. Right.
BOTH: You're being the women.
No!
Simon, this is for Mary.
You're being the woman.
As long as you're the woman for me
later.
Simon, I thought you'd never ask.
# She don't want to go outside
tonight
# Cos in a pipe
she'll fly to the motherland
# Find love with another man
# It's too cold outside
# For angels to fly. #
ROCKET: That was nice!
Yes, thank you very much,
Chris fucking Martin.
It's Ed Sheeran, actually, boss.
You learnt that
in a couple of hours?
Well, yeah, I had a head start,
I used to play the viola.
So, have we got any transport coming
or do I get to sit around
for four to six more hours?
Oi, oi, Bird! Coming.
Anyway, the local farmer's
got a sick goat, so I'd better go.
Hearts and minds, you know?
Oh!
SHE GIGGLES
Hearts and minds, yeah. Good one.
Hearts and minds, even
the hearts and minds of the goats.
Yeah, I think I said
hearts and minds too much.
I'm all about the hearts and minds.
And the other organs, of course.
Oh! Because, yeah, yeah,
you are a vet.
Brilliant. Brilliant.
Bird! Come on!
Oh, well... B...
Er, b-bye, then, um...
Hearts and minds!
OK.
So where we off to, Bird?
Oh, sorry,
I should have said, it's a false
alarm. Oh, bloody hell!
We've been sitting here
like arseholes!
We really do have fuck-all to do.
Thanks for the immediate heads-up.
Sorry, boss, I was just getting
the full story off Tom.
The vet. I mean, Captain Parikh.
ALL HOOT WITH DERISION
Fuck every last one of you.
Do you want to know the real reason
why it was a false alarm?
No, we'd rather just take the piss
out of you for a few more minutes.
"Oh, Tom! Oh, Tom!"
"Hold me tonight!"
Guys?
I'd really like a hand making
some bunting for Mexican night.
Nah!
What did your last slave die of?
We've all got important things
to do. Full kit check at 1500.
What did YOUR last slave die of?
Oi, you heard!
Kit check! Come on! Not you, Simon,
we've got to go through
our...movement controls.
What's that? Nothing.
I just want to do something useful
around the base.
Oh, cos you noticed that none
of those prayers of yours
ever get answered? Well,
one of them certainly hasn't been.
WOMAN ON DVD: 'So you want to learn
the dance of love?'
Come on,
we've got to get this right.
It's not for me, this is for Mary.
We're going to make this Mexican
night unforgettable.
Believe me, I'm not going to forget
this in a hurry.
TANGO MUSIC
Ah! The dance party
that dare not speak its name.
Well, don't mind me.
Have you heard Millsy
on that guitar? Boy's a genius.
He's wasting his life
titting about with IEDs.
He could be the next James Blunt.
I dabbled, of course.
Singing.
Guitar.
Hanging around the place in ripped
jeans, whining about girls.
No sort of life, is it?
No, sir. No, sir.
# You're beautiful
# It's true
# I see your face
# In a crowded place... #
TANGO MUSIC
Boss... I filled in the forms
from last month
which had a deadline of last week,
so shall I get started on...?
Boss, are you learning to tango?
No! Why would you think that?
Well, I do watch Strictly.
That is, my mum watches Strictly.
Actually, we all watch it
if it's on...
All right, Millsy. I'm going to
surprise Mary with a tango
at the Mexican night. Oh, right, but
you know the tango's from Argentina?
Yes, I know, Millsy. Sorry, boss.
No-one will notice it's from
Argentina if there's a shitload
of Mexican bunting and flags
and all that.
Can you make a shitload of Mexican
bunting and flags and all that?
Yeah, but, sir, I've got to do
the... Bunt, Millsy, now.
Boss, the paperwork? Millsy!
It's MoD paperwork, bollocks to it.
This is important.
You heard me - get bunting.
And whatever you do, don't tell
Mac and Rocket about the dancing.
Why not?
Have you met Mac and Rocket?
We'd never hear the end of it.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"What you doing? Dancing?!
"Gay! Gay! Gay!"
"Gay..."
Right, Simon.
May I have this dance?
TANGO MUSIC
There you go. Lovely.
Excuse me...
I'm so glad we found
this secret place.
MUSIC STOPS
Have you seen Corporal Bird?
Why do you want to know?
She seems like
a friendly enough sort, and...
Oh, does she? Does she indeed?
Simon, go and round up Rocket, Mac
and Millsy, meet me in my quarters.
You.
Come with me. Let's go find her.
So, you're interested
in Corporal Bird?
You said we were going to find her?
Let me introduce the committee.
I'm Captain Medhurst,
this is Corporal Mills,
Lance Corporal Lansley
and Private Armstrong.
And your worst nightmare, and ours,
Private McDowell.
Hello, spunk monkey.
OK, this has been fun.
So I'm just going to...
Fun? Oh, we're not here for fun.
This is all part of the...
vetting process.
LAUGHTER
We're just very concerned
for Bird's well-being.
And we've got bugger all else to do.
So, Parikh...
..what are your intentions
towards her?
Intentions? I'm not marrying her.
Oh, so you just want to use her
for sex.
Wrong answer! Oh, come on...
Shall I smack him, boss?
Uh...not yet.
So, come on, dog boy.
Do you think you can keep her
in the manner to which
she's become accustomed?
No' hard, to be honest. TV remote
and a packet of Hobnobs,
she's happy.
What we want to know, Captain -
how much do you make?
None of your business!
Answer, fucknuts!
Just over 40K.
I am fucking retraining.
That's double what I get.
Well done, you!
It's no' fair,
yous don't even get shot at.
Well, I do get shat on.
Even so, Captain, you are, with all
due respect, a first-class pussy
who minced his way through the
Vicars and Tarts course at Sandhurst
because he was good at biology.
Anyone else got any questions?
Aye. How far away is the moon?
You got any STDs?
No. I bloody haven't.
You spend your time
with your hand up a cow's arse.
You must have been tempted to slip
one in. No, Private.
I've never been tempted
to slip one in.
And it's not their arse,
but their vagina.
Hmm. Interesting.
Now, listen, Parikh.
We'll be watching you.
And if you mistreat Bird
in any way...
Mac? I'll rip your arms off
and stuff them up your arse!
Or should I say...
vagina?
Have you ever been to Mexico, Bird?
Nope.
Will and I went once on a holiday.
Well, it was in a resort in Cancun.
Will did find
some lovely local things for us to...
SHE GROANS
It's all in the past.
I'm really getting that.
I didn't know the Mexican flag
had a hedgehog in the middle of it.
It's an eagle!
CLEARS THROAT
It's an eagle.
Sorry, I'm just really determined
to make Mexican night
a flipping success.
Tom! Morning.
Oh, hello, er, Corporal.
Want to grab a pew?
Well, I'm not really, I mean...
It's all right, I won't bite.
And if I do, I haven't got rabies.
That sounded classier in my head.
It was funny. Ha-ha.
Although, rabies is actually quite
a serious problem out here.
Right.
Have a seat. Uh...OK.
So, how's Monty looking?
Better.
And you're staying for...?
One more day.
And...
what's your favourite colour?
Blue. Who've you been talking to?
I didn't catch all of their names...
I mean, no-one.
I have to go now. Bye.
Ah! Mexican night.
Good work, Padre.
Thankless task.
Still, nice hedgehog.
TANGO MUSIC
'Feel the rhythm of the music
and dip your partner!'
OK, stop, stop.
Great! Can we learn the waltz now?
At some point. Right.
This track's no good
because of the voice-over.
You know what Mary would like?
Live music.
Millsy, you're going to have to
learn tango music on that guitar.
Kind of got my hands full
with bunting, boss.
And we've run out of paper, so...
Yeah. I'm not sure
that Mary would...
Never mind. Carry on,
and take this DVD back a bit.
Right.
'Feel the rhythm of the music
and dip your partner.'
What the fuck have you lot
been saying to...?
Let me stop there. What the fuck?
Bloody hell, Nick.
I thought Thursday night
was man-love night.
It's for his wedding.
Anyway, what have you lot
been saying to Parikh?
Cos I just tried talking to him
and he could not have given
less of a shit.
Were you telling him your
"I once met a Spice Girl" story?
No.
And FYI, that is a good story.
Which one did you meet, by the way?
Mel C. Sporty.
I always liked Ginger.
Oh, what?! Oh, Jesus!
I know, I'm not proud of it.
You shouldn't be.
Ginger was the boring one
that boring people fancied
because they thought
she was a bit racy.
You know, the kind of guys
that think
that doggy-style
is really out there.
I mean, obviously,
I fancied the other four as well.
Actually, I had this dream once
where all five of them were...
SHE GROANS
Never mind.
So, look, are you going to help us
prepare for Mexican night
behind Mary's back? Ooo-oo-ooh!
# Nick and Mary up a tree
# D-A-N-C-I-N-G. #
Dancing?
Up a tree? Yeah.
Look, can you bunt so that Millsy
can get on
and learn his tango music?
OK. OK, but you need to fix this
with Parikh.
And...be subtle, right?
Subtle. Right.
What's wrong with Corporal Bird?!
Nothing! As far as I can tell,
while keeping a respectful distance.
Yeah, well, your respectful distance
is starting to come across
as fucking rude. FUCKING RUDE!
Right, what arm first, boss?
Get off!
He's no' good enough for Bird.
Up to your elbow
in a cow's jacksie?!
Vagina, it's the vagina! Because
the jacksie would be disgusting?
Sometimes you have to clear out
the rectum before you...
It's not important.
You're lucky to have Bird
interested in you at all.
It certainly doesn't feel that way.
She's honest. She's loyal.
She's a surprisingly considerate
lover.
ALL: What?!
Yeah.
Yeah, happened in Andover,
when we said we were going
to the George and Dragon.
Just got it out the way,
said we'd never speak of it again.
Well, to each other, anyway.
I spent bloody ages looking
for that pub.
Anyway, any more questions
for Parikh?
Aye.
How tall's a brontosaurus?
Morning, all.
Don't get up.
Actually, I'm tied to the chair.
Oh, yes. Mary seems to be
in a bit of a funk
about this Mexican night,
thinks she's not getting enough
support.
I presume you're organising it
secretly behind her back
to try and impress her? Um...
Good-oh. Anything I can do, etc.
Parikh, we're having
a mini-shindig tonight.
A min-dig, if you will.
You're going to ask Bird along,
I think?
We... Thought so.
Carry on.
You heard him. RUN!
Corporal Bird. Could we...?
Yes, Captain Parikh?
So, Corporal, I...
I was wondering if you would like
to go to this mini-shindig with me.
Min-dig? Yeah, go on, then. Great.
So I'll see you at 20:00 hours?
Will do.
I'll be the one wearing this.
Right.
NICK SNIGGERS
Right, I think we've got them all.
I'm going in.
BARKING
Wait, boss.
Monty's thinking about something.
Well, I'll be sure not to tread
in it. Thank you, Bird.
He's found another device,
just outside the five and 20s.
Shit.
That's a bit close for comfort.
OK, we've got to move back,
everyone.
Come on.
There's a good boy, well done,
well done, Monty!
Now all you need to do is use
the disruptor to cut the wire...
Tell you what, I'll do that.
Who's a good boy? A good boy!
Do animals really have vaginas?
Aye.
Obviously.
Do they?
You just never think of it.
Course they have vaginas.
Otherwise how would they shag
each other?
What about fish?
Eh?
Fish. Do fish have vaginas?
Aye. They must do...
so they can get fish fingered.
Fish don't have fingers. I know.
They're just called fish fingers
but they're actually just made up
of wee bits of fish.
Aye, I...
Forget it.
What about whales?
Whales probably have vaginas.
Massive fucking vaginas.
I think most animals have vaginas.
Or some other thing for shagging
and for having baby animals out of.
Baby animals come out of vaginas?!
Aye!
Where do you think they come out of?
Where is everybody?
TANGO MUSIC
Come on, Nick!
Light, light on the feet!
I'm wearing boots.
It's about attitude, not footwear.
Look, can we just stop this now
and start to learn the waltz?
Because Charlotte was quite
insistent. What, you expect me
to compromise my non-existent
relationship with Mary
for some wedding? Now, come on.
Look, I just think...
All right, ladies, simmer down.
Take it back, Millsy,
I want to practise the dip again.
TANGO MUSIC
What the fuck is this?!
Exactly.
If that's meant to be a tango hold,
you've got serious problems.
What? Eh?
Used to represent my school
at Scottish country dancing.
Only did a wee bit of ballroom, but
I know a dodgy hold when I see one.
Well, this takes the heat off me.
Mac, if you'd like to get started
on the jokes.
Dancing, gay, Rocket's a buftie...
Nothing gay
about Scottish country dancing.
I thought you were
one of the good guys, Skip.
But that's both homophobic
and racist.
You need to take
a long, hard look at yourself.
HE TUTS
What about the Gay Gordons?
There's nothing fucking gay
about the Gay fucking Gordons!
I stand corrected.
Speaking of which, Rocket, come
and show us a proper tango hold.
Come on, come on.
Mmm... Mm-hmm.
I was doing that.
And...
one, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
I'm impressed, Rocket.
Thanks, boss. Didn't know
you could count that high.
You know, I didn't expect anyone
to help,
but I thought people would come.
I mean,
at least for the free Doritos.
No.
There you go. Cheers.
Good work, Padre. Like the flag.
Gucci hedgehog.
Sorry, I...
I'm going to leave you to it.
So, did I tell you I met Mel C?
From the Spice Girls?
Really? Yep.
How come? Well...
I was shopping with my sister...
Vamos!
FANFARE
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
tonight's star attraction,
a mariachi tribute band!
I say tribute, because tonight
is the night mariachi music dies.
Please go wild
for Los Dross Moss Bros!
CHEERING
Go on, boys!
BAND PLAYS MARIACHI MUSIC
This is amazing!
Such a lovely surprise,
just when I thought you were being
a complete twat about it.
Oh, it is,
it's just like Cancun...ish.
Well, we had a little spare time
on our hands, so...
What's the bunting made out of?
Oh, interesting. OK.
Mac personally sacrificed
30 porno mags to make it.
I'm touched. You should be.
Nearly 10% of his library.
Although I'm not really sure
how Mexican it is.
There's a Brazilian.
That's pretty close.
BAND PLAYS TANGO MUSIC
CHEERING
SHE SOBS
What's the matter? Sorry, sorry.
It's Will.
I miss him so much. I'm sorry.
You're kidding!
Will you let me up, please?
I need...I need some time to think.
You have got to be fucking joking!
You'd better carry on. Sir.
TANGO MUSIC
Well, we've learnt it now.
And there she was.
Mel C.
Wow. Yeah.
You know, I've always had
a bit of a thing for the ginger one.
Really? Yeah! Yeah.
Right.
I think we're done here.
So...
tomorrow we learn the waltz,
as promised.
Promised? Doesn't sound like me.
For the last 24 hours,
we've done nothing...
Don't worry, Simon.
Rocket? Boss?
Cut in, that's an order.
There you go, Simon.
Waltz lessons.
It's a piece of piss.
Just do a triangle with your feet.
HE BURPS
Oh, how many Doritos have you eaten?
Only ten bags.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd