Bloods (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

Papa
Kilo, Papa Kilo.

Papa Kilo receiving.

Got a Cat
One respiratory arrest.

Ooh! Uh, received!

Cat One! Bus' on them blues!

Cat One for the dream team!

Hey Wendy, put on
my Cat One playlist.

Let's turn this
ambo into a lambo.

This is a good one.

Yeah.

What the skinny
jeans hell is this?



It's a classic, Mr. Brightside!

Wendy, have you been putting
tunes on my Cat One playlist?

No.

Wendy, I told you it's sacred,
man, you don't touch it.

It even says "Maleek's
Cat One Playlist,

Wendy do not touch."

Yeah, but it's all so serious?

And a lot of those songs
are disrespectful to women.

Ugh.

You know, it's all "bitch"
this, and "bitch" that,

and "shake your bunda this,

and now shake your bunda that."

It just gets me in the zone.

I can't get in the zone to this.



If the mandem see me
singing that song,

I'm gonna have to crash
this ambo into a wall.

Oh!

Cat One Papa Kilo,

can I get an update please?

Yo, uh, I'm out of breath.

We'll be there soon.

This is God.

No uninvited girlfriends
allowed in the depot.

I'm talking to you, June.

Thank you, ah, nice
of you to join us.

Right.

Listen up, bell ends.

NHS higher-ups are worried
about our mental health,

what with the shit
show of COVID, so,

they've had a genius idea.

Ooh, I hope it's a pay raise.

No, that might actually help.

We have a counsellor
visiting us for the day

who is gonna be
assessing us all.

This is George.

Okay, thanks for that shiny
introduction there, Jo.

Okay, I'm not going
to do a big speech,

That's great, 'cause
it's changeover,

so if we...

But, I know that South
Hill has had a lot more

mental health problems
than any other depot.

I am here to make sure

that you're getting
the support you need,

so come talk to me
whenever you want today.

Off-shift, obviously.

Or on.

No, only off.

We can discuss that.

But there's one question
that I would like

to leave you with:

If you don't look
after yourself,

how can you look
after anyone else?

Yes.

Okay. Enough clapping numb-nuts.

Back to work!

Hey, it says the patient
is anti-social and violent.

Boxing gloves on!

Violent ones are great.

I need to let off
some steam actually.

That's what I'm worried about.

So sorry for calling, but I
didn't know what else to do.

Oh, don't worry.

I don't get out much.
It's nice to feel wanted.

She's in there. She's
refusing to go into hospital.

Aww.

Hello there.

Fuck off!

Is she Greek?

What's wrong with her?

I shouldn't say it,

but she can be bit of
an arse hole sometimes.

I meant medically.

Hodgson's Lympho.

Her temperature has sky rocketed

and I'm worried it
could be an infection.

I'll go get a dustpan and broom.

Right, well, we've
got all our kit.

But we don't have anything
for an exorcism, Gary.

Woo-ee!

Last bit of paperwork
before my holidays.

Ah, dead. I wrote holiday
instead of seizure.

I was thinking

of going on a holiday of
a lifetime to Brighton.

Ooh, Brighton! Wow!

Don't knock my Brighton.

The only thing stopping me
from joining your holiday

is Spencer being here.

Ah, and the most important bit.

I didn't even invite
your old dusty arse.

Oh, you're loss.

And, my arse is not dusty.

It's a bit oily, actually.

I did a pole dancing
class the other day.

Oh gosh, poor pole.

You see that's the nastiness
that I'm ducking out from.

A few hours from now I'm going
to be living that camel life,

spending that Dahab money,

and smoking shisha,

in the Wiz Khalifa.

I think you mean the
Birge Khalifa, duck.

The Birge Khalifa, duck.

There he is.

Lawrence, you incurable rugrat.

Have you kissed June
on the lips yet?

Yeah.

Have you taken the bus all
the way to the station?

Or you stopping off?

I don't know what that means.

Are you having sex?

Yeah, we've been having sex.

Sex.

Hmm.

Nice.

I mean, perfect on the surface,

but I don't really
know what I'm doing.

June's very sexual.

Sexual, nice, nice.

I find myself
counting during it,

or thinking about Karen,

and then I start weeping.

I mean, is that normal.

Jo! Help us out!

Huh, sure.

So, Lawrence is seeing June.

Huh, happy for you, Mate.

And, it's all going down
in the bedroom town.

Bedroom town, nice.

So?

It might help if
we act this out.

Yeah, so Jo, you
am, you be June.

And, Lawrence, you be Lawrence.

There, this role play will
make you a much better lover.

What is happening right now?

We'll start role
playing in a moment.

Say "freeze" when you've
got some feedback.

And, action.

I'll set the scene.

Freeze.

I would rather get water
boarded in the gents bogs,

then do whatever this is.

Is everything all right?

Busy morning, Loz. All fine.

Ah.

Jo, I just wanted to say, I
never thanked you properly

for pushing me to get back on
the dating scene so, thanks.

Dating scene.

Yeah.

You sound like a
bloody predator, Loz.

Small concussion,

resulting in a fight in a
chicken shop in Bermondsey.

Please respond.

There doesn't look like
there's much going on.

Oh, hang on.

Can't we just leave
this to the feds?

No, you big, fat scaredy cat!

I ain't scared.

I just don't want
to go in there,

get into a madness,

hit in the face and
ruin my holiday snaps.

I'm too pain for that.

Well, I'm going to go inside.

Yeah, yeah, 'cause you
don't want to go home

to your grown arsed sons.

Still lives at
home with his Marj.

So. You still live
with your Marj.

I live in a studio flat,

inside a one bed flat.

I got my own doorbell.

Besides, when she's at
home, she's not Mum.

She's landlord.

You're not listening.

I'm not leaving
without my money.

The police are here.

They going to make you leave.

Oh, whatever, man.

We are not feds, bro.

Hey, taser my man,

and I'll give you free
fried chicken for life.

No.

The chicken is dead.

What?

It's dead, it's burnt.

Everyone knows that
the best chicken shops

have that bullet proof glass
that protects the chicken.

That's a sugar
glass thing at best.

I think he's concussed.

We need to get him out of here.

Yeah, I've to to be at
terminal two, in two hours.

Mainly, because this
man needs medical help.

Yes. Yes. Of course, yeah.

Look, we're going to
get him out of here.

You lot sort out
whatever beef that is.

Yo, I'm not giving you no money.

You owe me it!

Oh, go fry some chicken or
wash some dishes or something.

You think I'm playing, man?

Wow, wow, wow!

I won't forget this.

Wow, wow, wow!

Alpha, Zulu, Zulu.

Put the cleaver down!

Did you...

Did you just call the police?

Do I look like a snitch?

Yeah. Yeah, you do actually.

Why does everyone say that?

It was her!

Oh, shut up!

I'm in charge here.

No one's leaving, until
I get what I'm owed.

Oh, for God's sake.

Do you ever think we
don't need two brains?

Oh, big yes.

If I had my way, I
would rip out my brain,

and throw it in the air.

Yeah, 'cause we don't
actually need two.

Think about it.

When I worry, you worry.

When I smile, you smile.

When I want to dance,

you want to dance.

Maybe this is something
we need to talk

to that new
counsellor lady about.

Maybe she knows where there
is a brain donation centre.

Bro, if we had to choose,
I want it to be your brain.

No, no, no, no, Mister,
we are keeping your brain.

Hello, is this Jesus?

Can you take the
wheel for a second?

We need to play rock,
paper, scissors,

to see who's brain we keep.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

All right?

George!

Hello.

You're ah

in my office.

Yeah, I'm looking for
the pastoral care files.

What?

No? Okay.

How do you log your team's
mental health problems, Jo?

The polaroid wall
of pussies, George.

I should remove the one of Tony,

it does seem disrespectful
now he's been sectioned.

This is serious, Jo.

Oh, nobody is more serious

about mental health
than me, George.

Whatever you need,
dream catchers,

little watches for
your hypnotism.

I will sort it.

Okay, I'm getting a strong
flavour of cynicism here.

Nah, just more of a drink
through the pain kind of girl.

Well, I was a drink through
the pain type of girl,

until therapy, Jo.

Totally saved my life.

That's great, George.

If you don't mind
seeing yourself out,

I've actually got some
serious work to do.

Ah, so what I do,
isn't serious work.

Okay, why don't you tell
that to your bosses,

because they asked
me to come here.

I am here to help you,
Jo, and your staff.

Can you get us more ambulances?

Higher pay and actual
social care sector?

Thought not.

Paramedics in
hostage situation, Morten Hill.

All units.

Received.

You've got to go, this
is a proper emergency.

Probably not used to those.

Okay. What resources
have I have attending?

Do you know how many
people we have in there?

Jeff to Maleek. I'm the IRO.

I'm going to be
communicating with you,

during this hostage situation.

So, we can resolve
this in a safe way.

Hi, Maleek!

It's us!

Hostage?

Hostage?

I ain't no hostage.

I'm being held against my will.

It's different.

Let's just run in with
AK's and start spraying.

I got a flight to catch.

Maleek, keep calm.

You need to understand the
severity of the situation.

What are the demands?

Blue lights to the airport,

and an upgrade to first class.

Oh, and some premium
flight socks.

It's a long haul thing.

I ain't trying to
catch blood clots.

I'm not asking what you want.

Jeff to Wendy, can you please
take over communication.

Hiya, Jeff. You all right, duck?

What's happening.

Well, from what I can tell.

This fellow here, Asif,

thinks he's owed money
for wages by Mr Boss Man.

Stop calling him Mr Boss
Man, it's just boss man.

I like Mr Boss Man.

It's fancy.

But, Mr Boss Man is saying no,

because Asif ate
a load of nuggets

at work without paying.

White lady's right,
that's theft.

Nugget's don't grow on trees.

It's a chicken shop, G.

That's like the
beach, getting vexed,

when you take sand
home in your socks.

Exactly.

See what he wants to let
you get the patient out.

And, keep him calm.

This takes as long as it takes.

Yo! Yo, yo, yo, Jeff,
my G, my brother.

Listen, just 'cause
we're in a restaurant

doesn't make us waiters.

Orff! Wendy, did you hear that?

Sounded Denzel like.

Are there waiters
in there as well?

Ah, bun Jeff.

Listen, we're going
to sort this out,

how we sort it out on the roads.

Yeah! I'm going to blow
your fucking head clean off

if you don't let
us go, right now!

What?

Too much?

You know it is.

Here it comes.

So, Tasha. How you feeling now?

Did you cure my cancer?

No?

So, shit.

I think we need to eat
a slice of positive pie.

You never know what's
around the corner.

I do.

More chemo.

Still shit.

God, I really want to punch you.

If you'd like me to hurt him,

I'm happy to be of assistance.

Kick him in his arse hole.

Hard.

He'd enjoy that.

How about this?

Aww!

I really like your hair.

Does it run in the family?

It's a wig, you prick.

Not related to Marge
fucking Simpson.

Does your bald spot
run in the family?

Well, I had an uncle...

I think I left my
radio in the ambulance.

Listen, egg head,
you've had your fun.

Now, you're going into hospital.

Make me.

If you don't get in now
and this is an infection,

you may not be around
for the next issue.

The losers at Make
a Wish charity,

sent me all future issues,

so I don't have to be around.

Fucking Make a Wish!

Somebody needs to
shut them down.

Got it.

Someone needs to go in
there and ask for beef.

But, it's a chicken shop.

Exactly.

They'll be "oh, I'm not sure
if we have any beef here, sir."

"We'll have to
look out the back."

It's exactly what they'll say.

When they're out the back
looking for their beef,

that's when everyone storms
in and we grab Maleek.

It's a good idea, right?

Nah, it's a great idea!

We got an idea!

We got an idea!

Oh Maleek, he's fitting.

Oh, God.

Secure his head.

Yeah.

All right, duck.
All right, duck.

Is he okay?

Is he okay. No, he's not okay.

We need to get him
out of here. Now!

No, nobody leaves.

Asif, if he dies, it's murder.

Do you want to be
on the front pages

as the Hot wings Slayer?

Hot wings Slayer. That's
actually quite funny.

Okay, fine.

White lady, you take him out.

No, no, no, no, let me go.

I'm the one who has
a flight to catch.

I need time to get all
my liquids in them bags.

They mad fiddly, blud.

You're staying here
with me and boss man.

What?

And the police won't charge in.

Two brown brothers
and a black man,

and you think the
police won't charge in?

Yeah, good plan, my G.

Positions everyone.

Complete silence now!

Mum!

Oh, Darrell and
Darryl, thank god!

I lost the flat key, Mum gave me

I feel like I've been on
the streets for years.

Shh!

Where is Mum?

There's a guy with a cleaver,

holding her and Maleek hostage.

Why does this
always happen to me?

Right, excuse me!

Are you...

Hey, back.

Are you in charge?

I need to get my Mum
out of there now,

because I am locked out.

Sir, stay behind the line.

I'm going to have to bite you.

Sir, I'm warning you. I'm
going to have to bite you.

Ow!

You all right, love?

Oh Mum! You're alive!

Thank God!

Mum, look, I lost your key.

So, I asked your neighbours
if you had a spare one.

She looked at me like
I was a piece of shit.

Do you have a back up key, Mum?

I think I might
stick it out in here.

Asif, bring the shutters down.

What?

No!

Mum, it's me! It's Spencer!

It's been so hard for us all,

in the run up to the
bone marrow transplant.

I'm sorry.

I can only imagine.

Do you mind if I
have a little puff?

No.

Hum, didn't realise you smoked.

It makes you look a lot cooler.

I used to smoke Vogues.

Just like that, you ruined it.

It's a tough age, especially
if you're a "C" word.

Sorry, have the "C" word.

I am talking about
cancer, just to clarify.

She's just disengaged
from everything.

She lives for those
bloody comic books.

- Oh, I missed the burn.
- Makes everything better.

Claire, could I
borrow your lighter?

I don't want to do this but
you're a tough nut to crack.

And guess what?

I'm the nutcracker, bitch!

You wouldn't.

I'm in the chair!

That's what I thought.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

You psycho!

I can handle this.

Okay.

It's just, it's
just a bit singed.

No!

No, no, no!

Let's check in tomorrow, John.

Great, thank you.

Thank you.

George, you need to do your
mind reading somewhere else,

and I'll have my office back.

Capish.

No, the opposite of capish.

There is no opposite of capish.

Then no capish, Jo. Capish.

Do not capish me.

I've spoken to the
regional exec and told him

that this depot is badly in
need of additional support.

So, I'm going to be based
here for the next few months.

From now on, this
office is our office.

Officially.

Well, I will be calling
the regional exec as well,

and I will be telling him that
you are a terrible counsellor.

Okay, Jo.

After observing you today,

I realise what South Hills
main mental health problem is.

It's you.

Why don't you sit with that.

Well, why don't you

sit with this.

There goes my flight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

You were right, I just didn't
want to go home to Spencer.

You are a hostage
to your own son.

Orff, that was very Oprah.

Look, you need to talk to
Spencer and set him straight.

Immediately.

Can you shut up!

I'm trying to enjoy my chicken.

Excuse me, we're having a
conversation here, Mr Rude Head.

Yeah!

Well, the guy with the
big cleaver says, shut up!

No, I won't.

Hey.

I'm fed up!

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm no ones' hostage,

and I'm not going to
be told what to do,

by a scared little boy,

who thinks he's Big
Billie Big Bollocks.

Just remember,

it was the white girl
that said that, yeah.

I was a very good hostage.

Asif, this has gone far enough.

So, put down the
clever and let us go!

No!

Right.

Give me the key!

Spit it out, man!

I swallowed it.

Drop it!

You drop it!

It looks like the hostage
situation went okay.

Oh, what? Me and
my office and that.

Mind sucker.

I'm talking about
the chicken shop.

She says I'm a shit team leader,

and I'm the reason South Hills

are a mental health shit show.

Well, she's a shit house.

You know, I've certainly had
my issues over the years.

What with Karen dying,

and that pyramid scheme
I got involved in.

Hmm.

Mainly Karen.

I was a mess.

I still would be if
it wasn't for you.

Ohh.

Thanks Loz.

I needed to hear
that, you big prick.

You're welcome,

you silly cow.

This is nice.

We haven't had a chat like
this for ages, have we?

No.

Oh, we always had good chats.

Yeah.

You and me, since day dot.

Uh-huh.

Since yeah, dot one.

Yeah.

An intense connection, I'd say.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what we're like?

The two amigos.

The two amigos?

Yeah.

Two peas in a pod, you and me.

Ah, sorry.

It's June.

Oh, her mum's taking
Sylvia for the night,

so, when the cat's away.

Which reminds me,

do you know where I can
get hold of some sheaths?

French letters, some
rubber johnnies?

Machine's broken.

Ahhh.

Condoms, do you have?

Yeah, I know.

Um.

Do you have any
that I could borrow?

Not borrow, but...

Yeah.

You know what?

I'll get some at the chemist.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had loads, Loz.

I used up packets, last night.

So,

all out now.

Fill your boots!

Will do.

Thanks for helping
me get over Karen!

Fuck.

So I swallowed the key.

Then I was like, ah, what
you going to do cuz, yo?

And then I fly kicked him.

I swear, if I'm
lying, I'm dying.

Bro, get off me man!

Do I look like a fucking turkey.

Maleek, we're so glad
you're safe, bro.

You lot are proper gutted

that I didn't get chopped up
and put in a bag, ain't it.

Finally, can we just
go home now, please?

I've been so bored,
my phone died.

Spencer, it's great that
you've staying with me,

but I need you to get
some independence.

And I'm not talking about you
using your own toothbrush.

You need to get a job!

Start paying your way!

And if you can't do that,

then I'm afraid you're
going to have to go home.

A, a, a job, job? Like
working in the West End?

No, a proper job.

Something you hate but
pays you regularly.

Why are you doing this?

You already abandoned me once.

Spencer, you cannot emotionally
blackmail me anymore.

So, I'm going to stay here
with Maleek and clear up.

And, you are going
to call a locksmith.

A locksmith?

Is this the stone age?

Yes, Wendy!

That's how you deal
with bad breed kids.

Buh, Buh!

Pow, pow, pow!

What are you doing?

That's my thing.

If you're going to do my thing,

you have to come correct.

I said, buh, buh!

Buh, buh, buh!

You sound like a dog.

Oh, all right.

Step on my paw.

What?

That was funny.

That can be my thing.

Yeah, you do your thing

I'll do my thing.

Okay.

Blu, Blu, Blu!