Blindspotting (2021–2023): Season 2, Episode 4 - By Hook or by Crook - full transcript

Hey, what's up? It's Guapdad.

I don't know how
I ended up here,

but I'm pretty sure
I'm about to throw up.

Before I do that,
you wouldn't believe

what happened last
week on Blindspotting.

- Talkin' 'bout.
- Uh-blah-dow.

I was married in Bali.

Yo, who the fuck
are you texting?

Earl?

Man, fuck that nigga.

Shit, he only text me, what,
twice since he got out?



Hey, Daddy.

- Cuddie's in too deep.
- Yeah.

I need to break them up.
I need to break them up.

You're just a little sad.

Like, you have a sad face.

I wonder what's wrong.

It's fine. Every...
everything is fine.

Thank you!

Okay, shit, y'all, we are here!

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Ooh.

Whew, hey.

Dang, y'all, I haven't
been to the boardwalk

in hella long.



Yo, we gotta hit
that Giant Dipper.

I don't think I've been
here since I was, like, six.

Yo, Ash, you hear something?

It sounded like our
long lost friend Earl,

but apparently, that
dude's been out of jail

for hella long and
just been ghosting us.

Okay.

Nelle, let's just
ease into this.

- You know what I'm saying?
- No.

I mean, Ashley invited me.
Trish said it was cool.

Oh, and did y'all know that
he allegedly has a girlfriend

we ain't never met?

June got tickets to see Kehlani,
so she went to see Kehlani.

Oh. Oh, okay. I see.

So if your new girlfriend
isn't available...

- Ah, ew, ew, ew, ew.
- Nelle!

- Chill. That shit's not cute.
- Chill.

Not cute.

- Hey.
- Don't.

- How come Jacque didn't come?
- Oh.

Um, you know, she
introducing Cuddie

to her family at
their Halloween party,

and then we will
never see him again.

Oh, why do you say it like that?

I may have told Jacque's cousins

Nump and P-Lo to give Cuddie

some disastrous costume advice.

Okay!

Who is ready for Fright
Night? Am I right?

Trish, what are you doing?

Um, oh, I'm about to use

my patent Trish and Jacque move.

Okay, what move is that?

Duh, pretend to be blind

so you get a disabled pass
and cut the front of the line.

No!

- Trish!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Now you done gone too far.
- Boo.

- No, Trish.
- Fuck y'all.

Trish, you can't walk like that!

Fuck y'all.

The ancestors is
watching, Trish!

We should have to
walk like that.

- We all have to...
- God.

Wait, guys, help.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I don't want no part in this.

Look at my Tagalog queen. Damn!

- And what are you?
- Oh, me?

Blah-dow! Pirate.

- I'm here for that booty.
- Oh, fuck.

Okay, no, no, no.

Maybe we should just
go somewhere else.

You-you don't want to go
in there dressed like that.

Uh... come on, babe.

Is this about
meeting your parents?

No.

- Or is this a Filipino thing?
- No.

'Cause, honestly,
I'm hella nervous

about meeting your pops,

so I-I did a lot of research,

and I talked to
your cousin Nump...

Ugh, no!

And there's nowhere
where I ever read

there being any
beef between pirates

and the Filipino community.

I mean, of course,
unless you count Hook.

Like, that's straight funk.

Uh-huh.

Because Rufio.

He Filipino.

Did you know that?

I did.

I do.

And you're not a pirate.
You make a cute musketeer.

I'm a pirate.

Mm-mmm, no, you're a
musketeer tonight, okay?

Let's just get these
buttoned up, okay?

- Okay, fine. Let's go inside.
- Okay.

But don't take your coat off,

no matter what.

Okay.

Oh.

- I got you.
- Cool. Thanks, babe.

Thank you. Hey, Mom.

- Hi.
- Hey, Jacque. Mwah.

- This is Cuddie.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Tall. Nice to meet you too.

- Dad's in the back.
- Okay, thanks.

- Ooh, you did that one, huh?
- I did.

See, that feel like
a nice precursor

to your trappy mermaid saga.

It is.

Oh, is that your dad?

Bangarang, bangarang, bangarang!

Stop!

For real?

- Jacque, is your daddy...
- No, no, don't say it!

- Rufio...
- No!

Okay, y'all.

Blow!

With this, I can take
up to three guests

to the front of every line.

Oh, my God. Y'all,
this is so wrong, okay?

Why we didn't just
get fast passes?

- 'Cause they $300 each.
- Ugh, ugh.

Okay, why y'all making such
a big deal out of this?

It is a life hack, okay?

Look, y'all don't ever use

the big handicap
stall in the bathroom?

- Really?
- No.

Really? Okay.

Well, this is the
same thing, okay?

The same exact thing.
Who does it hurt?

For starters,

it's offensive to
disabled people.

Girl, it's Halloween.

Everybody is being
offensive today.

Ooh, look, look, look, see?

She is cosplaying
being a sex worker,

and you don't see me
throwing a fucking fit!

Oh, my gosh, Trish, could
you please just lose

the fucking stick, okay?

They have to cut to
the front of the line

because they're
really disabled, okay?

Uh, Nelle, say
"differently abled."

Uh, okay, wait, wait, hold
up, hold up, hold up, okay.

Aren't you pretending to
be Catholic right now?

- Hmm?
- What?

You a Buddhist, nigga.

I'm paying homage to
Deloris Van Cartier.

And I'm paying homage
to fucking blind people.

- No.
- Uh...

Nigga, you are not blind.

And you are not Deloris.

Be cool.

How could you not tell
me your daddy is Rufio?

How has it not come up

that you're this
obsessed with Hook?

It was one of my favourite
movies growing up.

Look, I am not
emotionally equipped

for this moment right now.

It's okay. Come on.

Hey, Dad, look who's here.

It's my boyfriend, who you
promised to be nice to.

Mr. Basco, it's a
pleasure to meet you.

Ooh.

You are tall, man. Real tall.

Well, you know, I know
everything about you

from watching your...
from watching Jacque

just talk about you so much,
about what a great swords...

- Dad-dad and father you are.
- Be cool.

My daughter...

says you're a banker.

I mean, what's that like?

Uh, you know, it's real cool.

You know, I-I work
in a bank bank.

I count money, collect debt,
sail the high seas of finance,

but-but not like a pirate.

- Oh, God.
- Huh?

Hey, who just said pirate?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, nah, nah, nah.

I said, "Not a pirate."

Ooh.

Shit. It's a long way down.

Who the fuck are you texting?

- It's none of your business.
- What you saying?

What you sending? You
sending some pictures?

Can you mind your own
business? Back up, Smash.

'Cause if we fall,
I'ma kick your ass.

- Stop.
- Ow.

I was gonna wait
to tell you this,

but, um... I'm talking
to Mustafa again.

Mustafa Mustafa?
Like, Bali Mustafa?

- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, child. Oh, no.

So is-is June your
new girlfriend?

I don't know, girlfriend
is, like, a tough thing

- for me to define, you know?
- Mm, yeah.

Pshh.

- I heard that.
- Don't do that.

- Don't do that.
- Nelle.

You said that he didn't
double down for you.

Okay, well, you
and Miles are not

the only tragic love
story, Ash, okay?

'Cause I been married
to a motherfucker too,

and you don't know
what it was like.

Are you dating somebody?

It's tragic, Earl.

My heart is telling me
I'm in love with Jacque.

- The fuck?
- Mm.

And she's with Cuddie.

Okay, well, fine. Fine.

I am so happy for you, Nelle.

Everybody, I'm so happy for
my friend Nelle... look.

Okay, now you being
a fucking jerk.

- Look, I'm smiling.
- Okay.

My best fucking friend
is moving back to Bali!

Wow, I didn't even say
that I was going back to...

you know what, fine.

Bet, Ash. You got
it. Never mind.

Wait, I lightweight thought
you already were with Jacque.

And niggas thought
you was with Janelle.

Oh, no, she mad at me

because I didn't keep in
contact when I got sent back.

Hmm.

Which, like, I get
it, but sometimes...

going there just
complicates shit out here.

And no disrespect to y'all.

It's just, some shit,

y'all just can't
understand about that.

Mm.

But that doesn't mean

I don't care about
her, you know?

Nice monologue, brother.
You gonna tell her that?

I'm just saying,
it seems unhealthy.

Tss.

Well, I don't think that healthy

is your area of
expertise lately.

You gonna tell Jacque
you in love with her?

I mean, I don't need to
tell that girl nothing,

because once her
and Cuddie are done,

the wifedom is back.

Ooh, that reminds me.

I need to text P-Lo.

Oh...

Pirate!

- What?
- Ah, hell nah!

You been a pirate
this whole time?

We been gigging with you.

Is nothing sacred?

I know how this looks!

Can we please not do this?

You a pirate, pare!
We kill pirates!

Oh, every fucking time!

Whenever I bring a boy
home, my dad challenges him

to a sword fight,

and when you lose,

it means you're
a pirate forever.

All I ever wanted to
be was a Lost Boy.

But can he fight? Can he fly?

Can he...

Babe, don't worry.
I was born for this.

I got hands.

I am fly.

I can't crow...

but I can "Yee!"

Yee!

Ooh!

Ha!

"Cheese Palace's Cheese Chalice.

Complete the Goblet
of Cheese Challenge."

What the fuck is a
goblet of cheese?

Fuck around and find out.

Yo, this is delicious.

There's gotta be, like, ten
different high-end cheeses

in this fondue.

That sound disgusting.

Yo, we should get on
the giant teacups.

A'ight, let me get
my blind stick ready.

No, Ash, back me up here.

Well, I'm all about
gaming the system.

If you can make life
a little bit easier,

do that shit.

Period, my nigga.

Who does it hurt?

Well, can you just at
least get rid of the cane?

Fine, Nelle, yes, I'll
get rid of the cane

and just feel around,
but, you know,

this is me and
Jacque's tradition,

and I don't see
nothing wrong with it.

- Damn, that's a good goblet.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, y'all are really
hyping it. Let me try it.

I'ma try it. Let's see.

'Cause it look disgusting.

Don't knock it till
you... you know?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh.

Oh, that shit good.

Right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, that's good, Earl. Mm-hmm.

Hey, see, y'all?

That line was a 45-minute wait,

and we walked right in, okay?

You're welcome.

I don't know, y'all.

Like, I-I'm hella scared
of haunted houses, okay?

I've been to prison.
This for sure not scary.

Which door are we taking, y'all?

Mm...

this one?

Okay, well, you know,

as long as we all stay
together, you know?

Uh-huh. Yeah, girl.
We right there.

Safety in numbers now.

Mmm.

Let's hit the other one.

We gonna let them
work that one out.

Ashley? Trish?

Shit. I think they got 'em.

See? Fuck, Earl!

This is... we are not supposed
to get separated, okay?

And this is what we get for
posing as fucking disabled.

Differently abled.

- Boo!
- Oh, God!

- Ah!
- Ah!

Whoa!

Why didn't you just go
to Jacque's tonight, huh?

We could've came
here another night.

Ugh, because her family
has this Halloween party

every year, and she wanted
to take Cuddie alone.

Oh, okay, so you just invited us

to make her jealous,

because y'all used to
come here all the time?

That's cool. That's fine.

Ashley, yes.

And also, fuck Cuddie,
because I am the one

who usually goes to those
fucking family gatherings, yo.

Groundhog's Day. Veteran's Day.

We used to be getting
hype for Cinco de Mayo,

'cause you know they
basically some Mexicans.

Why don't you just tell
her how you feel, okay?

Stop scheming, nigga,
and just be honest.

Boo!

Boo.

What was that?

Oh.

How you ladies doing?
Y'all like hip-hop?

- Oh, shit!
- Oh! No!

Blasphemy, nigga! In
the name of mixtape!

That shit sucks.
Go, go, go, go!

So you and June, huh?

I mean, yeah, we were
together at high school,

and then we
reconnected, and yeah.

It's been really good.

I mean, we just didn't know

what the hell had
happened to you,

and you cut us off like we
didn't matter to you, so...

All right, it's...

I just retreat to
what I can control.

I'm sorry, though.

I'm not trying to
hurt y'all or nothing.

I guess I'm sorry too. I...

Like, I didn't know,
you know? So...

I just...

Fuck it. Like, I missed you.

No, like, you're
important to me.

You're important to me too.

Can we, like...

Like, hug it out? Yeah, sure.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm really glad you're okay.

Well, I'm getting there.

Oh.

Yo, who is Mustafa?

It's my ex-husband.

What?

I never mentioned that?

- Oh!
- Oh, God damn.

I hate fucking clowns.

Eh, no, you don't, 'cause
you fucking with my brother.

You funny.

- You!
- Damn, nigga!

Hey, yo, chill, chill.

Look, look, look, look, look.

My name Guapdad.

This my new mixtape,
Scamboy Color.

Yeah. Look, you
been dodging it.

Go ahead, take that,
and it's all slaps.

I promise you I'm finna be

one of the biggest
niggas of all time.

Like, hella big, at the Grammys,

15-foot-long do-rag dragging
on these motherfuckers,

letting these bitches
know I'm that nigga.

Uh, but why?

Are you making eye
contact with me?

Girl, you're pretending
to be a blind nun?

Ah, nigga, you got me.

Okay, I'm just trying to get
to the front of the line.

Who does it hurt?

You, 'cause you don't even
need to be blind to do that.

Why?

Neither of y'all got ADD?

Okay, okay, Janelle,
here you go, bitch.

I've just been informed
of some interesting news.

The boardwalk's website
says, "Our disability program

"grants guests with
qualified impairments

special access to our parks."

What are the impairments?

"ADHD, bipolar disorder,
depression, anxiety,

and PTSD are all accommodated."

Bitch, we only need one
person with disabilities,

and we have three.

Yes, yes, because I
do... I do have ADHD.

Earl has PTSD.

You can't say that.
I can say that.

You can't say that, though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Brother, you're triggered.

And Ashley...
Ashley's depressed.

- I am not depressed.
- I'm not triggered.

And I'm not depressed.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Can we please,
please cut in front

of some of these lines?

Or do you have any more
objections, Janelle?

I was just speaking up
for real disabled people.

- No.
- No.

- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, ooh.

So now mental health isn't real?

- I never said that.
- Damn, Nelle.

I ain't know you was gonna
be a bigot for Halloween.

Whoa! Okay, y'all really
reaching now, okay?

'Cause that's not what I
meant. What-what I mean...

what I was trying to say...

Aw, fuck. You know
what? I'm not...

I'm not really thinking straight

'cause, you know,
something for real is wrong

with my stomach.

Earl, what the fuck is
in this goblet of cheese?

Oh, in the cheese
chalice? Cheese, nigga.

I gots to go.

She trippin'.

This is literally
the best drink food

I have ever had.

Move, bitch, get
out the way! Shit!

Don't fucking judge
me. Shit, I gotta go!

Hey! Hey, yo!

Hey! Hey, come on!

Shit, I got the bubble guts!

Shit!

Fuck you, fucking piece of sh...

- Who does it hurt?
- That's so wrong.

- Ahh!
- Catch!

Aha!

- Oh!
- Ooh!

Bangarang, bangarang, bangarang!

- Do you yield, pirate?
- Kill the pirate!

Kill the pirate!

I'm not a pirate!
I'm just a banker!

Kill the banker!

Kill the banker!

Do you yield?

I... I...

Damn it, Dad, stop it!

I don't care about
this stupid test, okay?

I get to choose who I'm with.

Babe, are you okay?

Babe, what hurts the most

is, you the best damn thing
that ever happened to me.

And now... we'll
never be together.

Look. Look!

My daughter is a
brilliant artist

and a successful businesswoman.

I just want to make sure
whoever she's with is worthy.

And you clearly mean
a lot to Jacque.

You know, she's
never actually fought

for any other guy.

Plus you're a banker,
and, uh, if you two

eventually have children,
you'll raise the average height

of this family by
at least two feet.

I'd say that's upward
mobility in two ways.

You mean...

You're a Lost Boy, baby.

I'm a Lost Boy! I'm
a fucking Lost Boy!

Attention, the park will be

closing in ten minutes.

Trish, hold up!

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Ha.

We're doing the last ride,

and uh, there's
people ahead of you.

Oh, oh, oh, yo, it's cool

'cause we are
differently disabled.

Oh.

I have ADHD, he
got PTSD, she is...

- I'm a hypocrite.
- Mm-hmm.

And she's depressed.

Okay, yeah, I-I see it.

Get on.

Oh, I'll take your-your bags.

Oh, all right, hang on.

Appreciate it.

Oh, you're gonna have to
rack your goblet, sir.

Oh. Okay. Oh, yeah. Right.

Rack it, Earl. Rack it.
Let's go. Giant Dipper.

Fuck it. I'll just chug it.

Hey, bitch.

Hey.

Look where I am at.

Bitch, I am at the Giant Dipper.

Back on my Trish and
Jacque blind trick.

Throwback!

The old days.

Wait, we probably
shouldn't do that anymore.

- It's kinda mean.
- Huh.

Oh, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah. You right.

Hey, check this out, girl.

We really missed you this year.

Hey!

They knighted me a Lost Boy!

Cool, dude.

- All right, bye, girl.
- Bye.

Gotta go. Love you.

Cuddied again.

I did it. I'm the
King of Cheese.

Everyone, the King of Cheese!

Huzzah, huzzah!

The King of Cheese Chalice
Cheese Challenge conquers all.

Huzzah, huzzah!
Huzzah, huzzah!

Thank you. You may
arise, all of you.

- Time for my ride.
- Yes, come on, Earl.

- Shit.
- Thank you, my liege.

Your highness. Sit down.

- Ah, noble steed.
- Here we go.

All right, y'all! Here we go!

- Whoo!
- Oh, my God.

My heart is going
crazy. Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Ooh!

Hey, y'all, hey, I
fucking love y'all.

I love y'all so much.
Thank you for inviting me.

I love...

I forgot how much I
love roller coasters.

I love roller
coasters! Oh, my God.

- It's gonna be great.
- Yes, it's gonna be awesome.

- It's gonna be great.
- Here we go, shit!

Hey, I'm the King of Ch...

- I'm the King of Cheese!
- Oh, shit!

Let's go!

Oh, man!

This shit hella fun!

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, my God.

Whew. Shit.

Oh, I'm glad I went
to the bathroom

before we got on
this shit, Earl.

Whew.

Father forgive me,
for I have had fun.

You really think I'm depressed?

Girlfriend is trippin'.

Yeah.