Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Can't Get There from Here - full transcript

Welcome to Biscuit Town,

population: all the
biscuits you can eat.

What can I get for y'all today?

I'll have a 12-Biscuit
Biscuit Bonanza...

- Oh, get me some cheese grits.
- I'll have biscuits and gravy

with a side biscuit
and a side of gravy.

Violet, honey, what do you want?

I'll take a clogged arteries
with a side of type 2 diabetes.

- We-we said cheese grits, right?
- [horn honking]

- BETTY: Can we also get six sweet teas?
- Okay, y'all. That'll be $21.80.

I got it, I got it, I got it.



- Five and ten and... 15 cents.
- You know what? I got this.

- JENNY: This is Kohl's Cash.
- Oh, shoot, really?

- I vote we drive away.
- [sighs]

Quick, everybody,
just look for loose change.

- [Jenny shouts]
- VIOLET: Ow.

[grunting, shouting]

[horn honking]

- Oh. I have a credit card.
- Can we put one biscuit on this card

and write a check for the cheesy
grits and Town hash rounds?

All right,
who has their checkbook?

Let me jump in my time
machine and ask somebody.

Uh, when do you deposit your checks?
Is it, like, uh, end of day,

or... oh, wait, tomorrow's Saturday.
Ha! Jackpot.

- Somebody hand me my checkbook.
- Here.



Mother, this is a complimentary
calendar from a funeral home.

Why do you have that?

[sustained honking]

Ugh! That's it.

[groans]

[title music]

WAYNE: Cool drawing, Vi.

I wish I was your biological
daddy so I could claim

some of that, uh, "talientay."

Seriously, I can't draw crap,
but I can draw this.

Boom. Look at that.

- Freehand.
- Violet, you are such a great artist.

Who is that?

This is Harold
as portrayed by Bud Cort

in Hal Ashby's classic film
Harold and Maude.

Hal Assby and Butt Cord?

What kind of nasty movies
are you watching, Violet?

Mother, you are killing me today.

Violet, you must be the stizzar
of your art class.

Oh, I cannot wait to go
to your art show tonight.

It'll be so exciting to see
all your great work up there.

Okay, but just keep in mind:
there's been some budget cuts,

so the wrestling coach
is now also our art teacher.

[whistle blows]

MR. STIKELEATHER:
Good hustle, Cortez!

Way to embrace Roy G. Biv, Tiffany.

Thanks, y'all, for coming out
to the art open house tonight.

We all know how important
art is now, right?

And stuff. I mean,
I can't tell art from fart,

- but I can draw this.
- He traced that.

Anyhow, some of these
kids can really do art.

Looks like this one is some
sort of disco pirate mannequin.

- David, explain this please.
- This is a collage

of 1980s musician
and style icon Pete Burns

from the band Dead or Alive.

Once alive, now dead.

- RIP. Thank you.
- [light applause]

And then Violet drew this...
I want to say, uh,

- gay guy?
- BETTY: That's Butt Cord

from the classic film Carol and Claude.

If it's not a sequel to National
Treasure, I haven't seen it.

- [thud, grunting]
- Pin him, Cortez! Pin him!

BETTY: Violet should be going

- to the High School of the Arts in Winston.
- JENNY: I agree.

Violet, baby, you know what?
We are gonna get you

into that School of the Arts.

[sighs] I don't want you to get
stuck here like we... I did.

- You're getting the hell out of here.
- We should all just forget it.

To put it in terms you can
understand, art school tuition

is like 15,000 Biscuit-Biscuit Bonanzas

with another 5,000 Biscuit
Town hash rounds a year.

We're gonna figure this out,
Violet. Don't you worry.

Somebody needs to get
their act together, then,

because I'm the only one
busting my ass over here.

Y'all, I'm not gonna look at you
if you're gonna give me the look.

- Oh, I'm giving you this look.
- No, no, I'm gonna close my eyes.

Okay, this look is gonna keep
on looking until you look...

- BETTY: That doesn't matter because I'm not looking.
- You better look over here!

Okay, everybody stop your clucking,
'cause I have a idea.

- [chittering]
- Oh, God. He bought two giant birds.

This is the best thing ever.

JENNY: And is it just me, or
are those birds not right?

BETTY: Damn right they're not right.
They're too big.

What happens
if they start flying around?

[chuckles]
Ah, these birds can't fly.

But their eggs are giant.

Giant nest eggs, if you will,
that sell for $40 a pop.

They lay ten of these a month,
that's $400 a month.

$400 times 11... 'cause I'm gonna
give 'em December off,

of course... is almost $5,000.

So all they have to do is get to
ostriching and beak-smooching,

and we'll be able to send Violet
to art school easy.

And the best part is,
they were only $500 apiece.

Oh. Well, this is gonna work,
#sarcasm.

- How did you pay for them?
- I borrowed against my truck.

But we'll be in the money so fast,
nary a payment will be missed.

With the exception of the first
payment that I missed.

But it carries over.
The next month I pay double.

Or I just do triple
the month after that,

and so on and so forth. Ow!

- Oh, God! Oh, my God! [shouting]
- Oh, no.

He's got a beakful of his junk!

Ow!
His pecker is pecking my pecker!

[music]

- Hi, Jenny.
- God dang it, Jenny,

you got the evenest tan
in all of Guilford County.

Well, Sam, you know
that I am one-eighth Cherokee.

I did get those good tanning genes.

And you got those "looking good
in your jeans" genes, too.

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo. ♪

Hey, y'all.
Is everything tasting good?

Jenny, can you pour
some more sweet tea

for my wonderful husband Daniel
and his businessmen friends?

Isn't Jenny such
a wonderful fun employee?

Okay. Well, y'all
keep on enjoying.

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo. ♪

Jenny, people don't want
to see all this

when they're trying to eat
their fried flounder.

This is a Christian restaurant.

Y'all do me a favor
and throw on this pocket tee.

Okay? Please and thank you.

BRENDA: Jenny, no.

- We're not doing that.
- [shouts]

- You will not cover all this goodness.
- Stop it.

Jenny, you know I come
from a long line of Brendas.

My mom was a Brenda,
my grandma was a Brenda,

my aunts are Brendas,
my cousin's a Brenda,

my niece is a Brenda
and we are all total sluts.

All of us. But we are good
people, and everybody loves us.

No offense to you
and the Brendas,

but that doesn't
really help me at all.

Not only do I need this job,

I'm gonna have to start
picking up extra shifts.

I just found out
how much art school costs,

and apparently, it's half
a damn biscuit restaurant.

All I'm saying is
Jesus-Barbie needs to chill.

See you in hell, Louise, 'cause I quit.

[clatter]

- Did Louise hear me quit?
- No. You... She's too far away.

Jenny, sounds like you need
to come work for me.

I know you used to be
a real good dancer.

Bud, I am not stripping.
Well, why don't you at least

come on down and man the buffet,
or "wo-man" it. [laughs]

You don't even
have to take anything off.

All you have to do
is throw on a bikini top,

preferably a neon one,

and stir the grits so they
don't get that film on top.

I'm happy here serving food
with my clothes on.

Making zero dollars U.S.
and hiding your light in a bushel.

What a shame.

All right, I'll have the
Seven Loaves and Fishes Platter.

Double slaw. I'll pay for it.

Okay. Five, ten... Ugh.

What in the world am I gonna do?

[heavenly music]

Jenny, what's wrong, shug?

- Do people ever pray for money?
- Yeah. Oh, they do.

Every living moment.

Just now I got four
while we were talking. Five.

- Do you want me to keep updating you or...
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Six. Nine.
- No. It's okay.

So I can pray for money, right?

'Cause, see,
my family's always broke,

and the minute we get
a little of anything,

the broke keeps coming back.
[chuckles] Kind of like a VD.

Of course you can pray
for money, Jenny.

- I just can't give it to you.
- I know.

Well, if I snap my fingers
and made everything okay,

what would life be?

Better?
[chuckles] Perfect?

Wayne's trying his best,

but you know, he does things
kind of his own way. [chuckles]

It'd be great if one of his
business ideas worked out.

He could really use a win
with this ostrich thing.

He's been trying like heck
to get them to mate,

but they are just
not having each other.

You know, 70% of ostriches

become attracted
to their human owners.

You don't think
that's going on, do you?

Only if "becoming attracted"
means biting his ween and butt.

That is exactly how it manifests.

[bottle squirts loudly]

Why is it so embarrassing
when that happens?

- 'Cause it sounds like a fart. [both laughing]
- That is right.

- That's why.
- Jenny, I know your life is difficult,

but the difficulties of life
make us who we are.

God knows I don't want you to suffer,

but suffering and struggle
are unavoidable.

It's part of the whole deal.

Everything you need
is all around you, Jenny.

But can't you just give me
a little something

- that can help me right now?
- Hmm... Oh!

Your mom put a bottle
of white zin in the freezer.

Take it out immediately when you
get home, or it's gonna explode.

- Also, uh, Wayne's ostriches...
- Oh, Lord, what?

They're never going to lay any eggs.

- They're boys.
- What?!

- Yup. Yeah.
- Oh, Lord.

To put it another way: you got
two hot dogs, but no buns.

Or another fun way to say it is:
you got two beers, but no coozy.

You got two bananas
and no doughnuts.

Two index fingers and no okay sign.

Two mozzarella sticks
and no ranch. You got...

Leonard, we get it!

[music]

[sighs] You know, I don't
want you to worry so much

about money, Wayne, 'cause,
you know, we've got options.

- Bud offered me a night job.
- Bud?

You mean Bud's of Bud's
Babydoll's gentlemen's club

slash topless car wash
on Kivett Boulevard?

Which I've never been to.

- Oh, hell no!
- No, no, no, not-not stripping.

- Just stirring the grits at the buffet.
- That's a gateway job.

[laughs] Yeah.
Gateway to extra cash.

Jenny, you don't have to take
another job.

I'm gonna handle this.

If I can't get them to lay eggs,
I'm gonna break them,

so I can ride them
and train them to do tricks.

Did you know there's a guy
in Myrtle Beach who trained

a giraffe to do
Jean-Claude Van Damme splits?

People pay a lot of money
to see those shows.

Well, if you're sure
it's gonna be that easy.

It is. Watch.

Sit... Ow, oh! Oh, my God!

- Right again! Same place!
- Lord.

- Same exact place!
- We just got the swelling down.

- [ostriches chittering]
- WAYNE: Oh! Ow!

- Ow! Son of a... Ow!
- BETTY: You know, you could go to Charlotte,

meet a nice guy, y'all,
with a little bit of money.

Mother, stop!
You know I love Wayne to death,

and he's really been there
for me the last ten years,

and Violet loves him like a dad,

and I know he's never
gonna be Jay-Z or anything.

"Jazy"? Oh, he's the one
that's married to "Betronce."

- No, Mother, it's Beyoncé.
- Oh, Lord, it's Betronce, y'all.

Don't bother the Lord with this.
Just trust me, it is Beyoncé.

Well, I guess we'll just
have to agree to disagree.

Violet's biological diddy
was not the greatest, yes...

Don is rich, but he is a total tool.

He's angry and... [sighs]

always weirdly sunburned,
even in the winter.

And he used to tell me I was done
eating by poking me in the stomach.

He could've given you and Violet
a great life.

The life that you deserve,
the life that...

[crying] that your daddy gave us.

All the bills would be paid.
We'd be flush in Kohl's Cash.

I could finally get my Jeep
with the eagle on it.

I could show these
spider veins who's boss.

- Violet could go to her art school...
- JENNY: I can do this.

I don't need Don
or-or Daddy or anyone.

- I can do it on my own.
- Yeah, right.

Oh, my Lord, I won!

- You did?
- Yeah! Another scratch-off!

Great.

Ugh.

There's been some turnover in
my personal life, so automatic A

to anyone who can turn
this Sonya into a Veronica.

[school bell rings]

Violet, hang on. I just wanted
to make sure you saw this.

It's a countywide art contest.

They want young artists

to capture different perspectives
on North Carolina.

Based on all the weird crap
I saw there last year, I think

you'd have a chance of winning.

BOTH: ♪ What have I...
what have I ♪

♪ What have I done
to deserve this? ♪

Is that supposed to be a song?

If it's not on a National
Treasure soundtrack,

I haven't heard it.

[dance music]

[dance music]
[cheering, whooping]

Jenny, I never in my
damn life thought you,

captain of the dance team

and voted "Most Likely
to Not End Up Stripping,"

- would end up working at Bud's.
- Well, technically,

I'm not stripping.
No judgment.

- Didn't you go to school to be a dancer?
- Yeah. Had to drop out.

Um, I-I'm just actually
moonlighting here

to help pay
for my daughter's school.

She's a very talented artist.
She is going places.

Well, you should use your talents
to help pay for her talents.

You can make four times
what you are now

if you get up on that stage.

Stop staring! I'm on break!
Look away!

[indistinct chatter]

[sips]
[men whispering]

[whispering continues]

- [groans]
- ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo. ♪

Jenny, now...
How do I say this?

I'm afraid this is your last day
at The Last Supper.

Wait-wait, Louise, what?
You mean, like, you're firing me?

Jenny, I heard you were
moonlighting at Bud's.

A little birdie told me.
Also, Bud told me.

Oh! No, I'm just,
I'm just serving food there.

You know, stirring the grits so
they don't get the film on top.

Well, as we all know,
grits-stirring is just

a hop, skip and a jump to loin-stirring,

so, Jenny, I'm sorry,
we're gonna have to let you go.

We can't have a Last Supper
employee associated with Bud's.

- But you're not above taking Bud's money.
- A man's got to eat.

Well, my family's got to eat, too!

I'm sorry, Jenny, y'all, but
this is a Christian business.

Like Chick-fil-A.
Except that we are open on Sunday,

'cause that's just leaving money
on the table.

- Fine, Louise!
- [door chimes]

Jenny.

Louise didn't fire you 'cause of Bud's.

She fired you 'cause she's jealous.

Ever since Nick Lachey
pulled you up on stage.

So now you got to hold your head
high just like a freakin' Brenda.

And don't hide your light in a bushel.

- People love your midriff.
- Oh, Lord, Brenda.

I need the money,
but I don't think

I can ever do that kind of dancing.

It just doesn't feel right to me.
Plus all that shaving.

So do it your own way, girl.

You're such a good dancer,
they'll love it

- whether you take anything off or not.
- You think?

Remember in high school, when we
watched that movie Flashdance,

like, every day for a month?
Just be Flashdance classy.

And if the mood strikes you,
you always have the option

of showing your rosy peaks
and your lady lawn.

Just feel it out.

I'd do it, too, except
my areolas are cross-eyed.

So you've said.

[music]
[whooping]

ANNOUNCER:
We've got a new dancer tonight.

Put your hands together
for Jennifer Hart.

- I said not my real name!
- Oh, sorry.

I mean Jennifer, uh... Boofay.
Jennifer Boofay.

[sighs]

- Yeah!
- [whoops]

Hey, y'all, watch this.

["Maniac" by Michael Sembello playing]

- Boo!
- What a rip!

She's not taking anything off.

- She's hot, though.
- I know, but I want to see boobs.

Oh, oh, I get it, this is supposed
to be like that movie Flashdance.

The one from the '80s,
starring Jennifer Beals?

- Yeah.
- Oh, she was hot!

CHARLES: I know. Never
saw her boobies, though.

Yeah. Flashdance was about
a "classy" stripper

- that never took anything off.
- She was also a welder!

- What?
- Yeah. People forget,

- but that was her day job.
- Are you serious?

- Hand to God!
- Oh, yeah!

And then in the end, somehow
with no formal training,

she ends up a full-on ballet dancer?

- Yeah!
- Improbable!

- What a yank!
- Boo!

- Oh, now we're talking!
- Yeah!

I'm on break! Look away!

JIMMY: Ah, who cares?

Now she's just damp?

- Boo!
- She's got on a camisole!

Yeah, chuckleheads
from the health department

made me shut down the buffet.

A man found a belly button
ring in the flour gravy.

He was a veteran, too.
Real sad.

All right, Bud. I think we can
all agree I nailed that.

Oh! It felt amazing!
So, I'm ready for my tips now.

Jenny, if they don't throw them,
you don't get them.

Oh, what?!
That is barbaric.

I was artsy as hell up there.

Jenny, have you ever been
to an art museum before?

Greco-Roman statues, buck naked.

Renaissance paintings, boobies.

Sistine Chapel, there's, like, 50 butts.

Hell, even the Mona Lisa's naked
from the waist down.

I mean, I'm assuming,
based on her smirk.

Ugh, Bud, you are a pig.
I am not gonna take my top off.

Okay, well, this is
a topless bar, so it would be

false advertising if I let
somebody keep their top on.

Legally, my hands are tied.

Well, his top's on.
And his top's on.

Every dude in here, I want
you to take your tops off.

[laughs]

And your top's on.

So I guess you're breaking
the law right now.

- Bud, you should take your top off.
- Well, unfortunately,

- I'm currently rocking my winter body.
- Ugh, whatever, Bud.

You can kiss my film-covered
grits, 'cause I quit.

- Jenny, what are you gonna do now?
- I'll figure something out.

[sighs]

[gasps]

Louise?
What are you doing here?

I'm just... trying to get out of here.

Hi, Jenny.

He comes here sometimes.
We have an agreement.

As long as I drop him off and
pick him up, he can come here.

It's just fellowship
with his businessmen friends.

So silly.
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo. ♪

- Yeah.
- Jenny, you looked great up there.

- What?
- Y'all, I'm just saying,

I get why Nick Lachey
pulled you up on that stage.

Thank you. Thanks, Louise.

- You will never speak of this, right?
- My lips are sealed.

Well, okay, great.
See you tomorrow, Jenny.

At The Last Supper?

Well, yeah.
Where else would you be?

- [chittering]
- Well, Wayne's gonna ride that sucker.

- He's gonna make a mint.
- WAYNE: Hey, y'all. Watch this!

[whoops]
[music]

- Yeah! [whoops]
- BETTY: Wayne Z and Betronce!

Fly on out of here!

Hey, y'all. Watch this!

Come on, ugh! [grunts]
Ow, ow, ow.

Ow! Oh, oh, oh! Ow!

Oh, God!

WAYNE: That's us.
That's us up on that wall.

- Violet made us all art.
- Violet, y'all, you made us famous.

WAYNE: That is exactly how love
feels, with my heart outside my body.

That's me riding Becky/Steve.

Look at that piece of art.

Oh, that flag's a metaphor.
For America.

And the winner of the $800
Young Artist Scholarship is...

Violet Hart.

- [cheering] That's my baby!
- All right, now.

Oh, Violet, baby, I am so proud of you.

I love you, you little talented peanut.

Oh, my Lord,
I'm so choked up, y'all.

Wayne, I want you to use
this to buy a lady ostrich.

No, Violet. Hell no.

- You're going to art school.
- Eventually.

- WAYNE: You're going places.
- Eventually.

This is my grandbaby, y'all.
My grandbaby!

She came out of a womb
that came out of my womb!

WAYNE: Look at this one of Betty
doing scratchers.

And the scratcher dust forms wings.

We are a tree. A flowering tree.

My be-leaf is that I love this.

[chuckles] You see what I did
there with the word leaf?

Violet, this is amazing.

Look at this damn art.

It's a glass of wine pouring Betty.

That's my priceless S.
Oh, hell yeah!

But you don't want to go
too tall with it.

That's a rookie mistake.
You'll get it.