Bless the Harts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Cremains of the Day - full transcript

- [thunder crashes]
- [bird screeches]

VIOLET: Legend has it,
every year on Halloween night,

Lydia, the famous
Greenpoint ghost, appears.

She walks along the road,
hoping to hitch a ride

to find her way home.

- Hi-ya.
- And if ever someone picks her up...

- [gasps]
- ...she disappears.

[driver screams]

Stop telling that story,
Violet Elizabeth.

I'm scared of ghosts.
I hate ghosts. [shudders]

At camp, when I was little,
a ghost brushed my hair.



I went to bed, and it was parted
squarely down the middle.

But when I awoke,
it was an aggressive side part.

I want to get haunted
by a glam squad.

Ghosts are not real.

- [growls]: Except for Lydia.
- Aw, come on, guys.

VIOLET: She walks ethereally

across the Greenpoint Bridge.

She's bathed in an eerie glow
that illuminates

- her pale, pale face!
- Oh, God. Not paleness.

Some claim to have heard
her murmur

in an oddly disembodied voice:

"I need to go home
to the spirit world.

Get out of this world. Let go!"

How would she even open
the door? Her hands are air.



Aw, man, my butt cheeks
are so tight.

You know what, Wayne?
It's time.

You need to get over your fear
of the spirit world.

And there is only one way
to conquer a fear:

you have got to confront it.

We got to find Lydia. Tonight!

We are gonna embark
on a little ghost hunt.

Nope, Leonard. No way.

- No way.
- [imitating ghost]: Lydia. Lydia.

[imitating ghost]:
I'm gonna brush your hair.

Stop it. Okay, I do not do well
with scary voices.

- [intercom crackles]
- [screams]

BISCUIT GRANDMA [loudly]:
Welcome to Biscuit Town.

♪ ♪

[crickets chirping]

Jenny. You ready as hell
for Halloween?

I.e., the highlight of my year?

Uh, yeah. I could say I'm ready.

I'm almost ready.
Under a lot of pressure though.

I got my whole family coming in
from hither and yon.

Cousin Brenda, Aunt Brenda,

Grammy Brenda, Meemaw Brenda,

even little miss hoity-toity
Nephew Brenda.

The whole mess of them.
And remember:

if you're gonna come out
with the Brendas,

you got to wear a slutty costume.

If you don't,
you will be the only one,

and you will feel uncomfortable.

Well, I've got my costume
picked out,

and I'm not telling you what it is,

but you may have heard rumors.

- Stevie Nicks.
- Let me finish.

That if I entered
a costume contest,

- I'd win by a landslide.
- Stevie Nicks?

Okay, it's Stevie Nicks.

She better be
Slutty Stevie Nicks.

Costume's a lot of layers
and scarves,

- but there is a plunging neckline.
- Can you at least skip the bra?

- I guess so.
- Aces!

[heavenly music plays]

So, you excited for Halloween?

Oh, yeah.
It's my favorite holiday.

I love Halloween, too.
In fact, tonight, I'm not Jesus.

I'm the Seeker for Gryffindor.

Oh, that's so cute.
I love that for you.

It just works, right?

A young man
with magical powers.

- Yeah.
- Fighting evil.

- Totally.
- Both have books

that people are obsessed with.

- Just top to bottom uncanny.
- Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

I can't believe I've been going
on and on about Harry Potter.

- That's so insensitive of me.
- Wait, what? Why?

Because Harry Potter's dad died
when he was young,

just like you, and it took him
a really long time

- to deal with it, just like you.
- What?

No. I-I'm fine. Why are
you even bringing this up?

Because it's Halloween, and that
was your dad's favorite day.

You know, I'm not the one still

hung up on my daddy's death.
It's my mother.

She can't even mention his name
without falling to pieces.

I know. She prays
about him all the time.

She does? Wait, are you
allowed to tell me that?

Shoot. Nope.
[groans]

- Now I got to wipe your mind.
- You do that?

[chuckles]
No, I'm just kidding.

I could totally do it though.

BETTY: Violet, your
granddad loved Halloween.

Me and Ed's couples costumes
blew everybody's socks off.

Oh, Violet,
get me that photo album, honey.

I love these pics.
You guys were so '80s.

Well, it was the '80s,
and '80s stuff was all the rage.

One year, I was a Robert
Palmer girl [music]

from the "Addicted to Love" video,

and your granddad
was Robert Palmer,

- only more handsome.
- The aviators? I can't.

Ah, and then this was the year

I was Tawny Kitaen
from the Whitesnake video,

- and he was David Coverdale.
- I can't.

I did front walkovers on the
hood of his car all night long.

Look at that hair.
I caaaaan't!

Oh, and here's Ed doing
the Halloween moto-jump

that made him famous
on his beautiful custom cycle.

Back in the day
at the Halloween Bridge Party,

they'd light a big bonfire,
and your granddad would jump it.

- [motorcycle engine revs]
- [gasps] Look at that form.

Just look at those legs.

- DAVID: I'm looking.
- BETTY: Quads for days.

And let me tell you something:
they were powerful.

Leading right on up
to his perfect buns.

[crying] I miss him so much.

- [nose blows]
- The book came out.

Oh, thank God
I'm going out with Brenda.

Unless you want me to take
you out trick-or-treating.

Oh, we could build such great
memories like I did with Daddy.

Mom, I'm too old.

I'm going ghost hunting
with Leonard and Wayne.

You're never too old. You'll
always be my baby. Come here.

- I bet I can still pick you up.
- Mom! - Whoa, whoa.

Hang on. I want to see her
try and pick you up.

Come on, just give me a little jump.
One, two... [shouts]

- Who jumps on two?
- Oh, hey, y'all, look.

They're doing a story
on the bridge. Turn it up.

MAYKAY [over TV]:
So you better get yourself down

to the Famous Greenpoint
Halloween Bridge Party, y'all.

And look who we have
to talk all about it:

our own Mayor Webb.
Talk right into this, honey.

Yeah, tonight's the big party

where we celebrate our legendary
hitchhiking ghost, Lydia.

Ooh-whee-oh!

Lydia? Well...
Now, is it true that this is

the last year for the Bridge Party?

- Talk into this, right here.
- Yes.

What? [gasps]
Jenny!

Unfortunately, the bridge
is smack-dab in the middle

of the site for the new
Highway 311 extension.

Demolition begins early
next week, so don't miss it.

Turn it off. Turn it off!
[groans]

[music]

- Hey, Gram, you okay?
- It was Ed's dying wish.

What was Ed's dying wish?

To have his cremains spread
at that Bridge Party.

That's what's in that container?

I thought it was filled
with old butterscotches.

Wait, that was his dying wish?
Are you serious?

As a heart attacked.

And you've just left Daddy
sitting on the mantle?

- It's been on my to-do list.
- For 13 years?!

Well, I didn't think there was
a rush. Ashes don't go bad.

Mother, this is crazy.

We got to do this tonight.
Come on.

Tonight, I'm gonna do something

- I should've done a long time ago.
- It's time to set Daddy free.

Me and Ed need a minute, y'all.

Oh, Mother, please tell me

you're not gonna
tongue-kiss that urn.

Jenny, shoo.

Mmm.
♪ ♪

JENNY: Mother!

Well, no offense, Jenny,
but I'm not stepping foot

back in your house until your
daddy's cremains are G-O-N-E.

Wayne, you're talking about Daddy.
Don't be so mean.

This mess is hard.
Stop being such a fraidy-cat.

Sorry, I'm just
saying all the wrong things.

- [bird screeches]
- [screams] Oh, my God.

I still think you look
more like Joan Rivers.

No. I am Darryl Hall,
and Ed's cremains

are the spitting image of Oates.

JENNY: Looks like a
caterpillar on a cookie jar.

Do not disrespect your father,
or Oates.

[kids laughing]

- What the hell happened to Ed's party?
- Yeah, I heard it wasn't

what it used to be, but this?

This is some next-level boring-ass
Matchbox Twenty bullcrap.

Okay. Let's have a big hand
for The Giggle Pants Three!

Hello, everyone,
and happy Halloween.

- Yes, my babies!
- [feedback squeals]

It's All Hallows' Eve.

Or should I say, Satan's Birthday?

- Boo! It's not Satan's birthday!
- Shut up, Randy!

- Randy, please.
- [feedback, crowd shouting]

As I was saying,
happy Halloween!

- [feedback hums]
- [scattered applause] [cough]

We have a lot of fun
planned for you tonight.

There's a phantom photo booth,
ghastly games,

and if you keep your eyes peeled,

[imitating ghost] you might
just see Lydia the ghost

handing out a free toothbrush,

- courtesy of Greenpoint Dental.
- Ugh.

Ugh, is there
anything lamer than

talking about dental hygiene
on Halloween night?

[normal voice] There's
a scoliosis testing booth.

- JENNY: Well, there it is.
- And, uh... that's it.

So, happy Halloween, and let's party!

But not too loud. We are by the
senior center and sound carries.

- [echoes] Carries, carries.
- WAYNE: This is a nightmare.

Okay. We are currently
at the point of no return.

Beyond this border lies a world
of specters, banshees, wraiths.

Zombies, magical trolls.

Disgruntled apparitions, grouchy
unicorns with Dracula teeth.

- Shadow walkers.
- Middle-aged men

in hemmed jean shorts,
socks and sandals.

Oh, my Lord. I...
Can we just get on with this?

I only agreed to come here
if we get it done quick.

No ghost is gonna brush
this hair tonight.

LOUISE: Doo, doo-doo-doo.

Happy Halloween,
from peanut butter and...

Go ahead, Daniel,
tell them what you are.

He knows.
He's just being silly. He's jelly.

It's 'cause loving me is his jam.

Isn't that what you said, Daniel?

He did.
He told me that this morning.

You know, I didn't
used to like this party,

but now that it's dry,
we can have good clean fun.

- Right, Daniel?
- Did she just say "dry"? [groans]

Oh, well, looks like we're
heading off for the next thing.

Oh, Daniel, wait up, you silly.

Jelly doesn't make any sense
without peanut butter.

Ugh. I'll never eat a PBJ again.

Now, let's get down to business

- and start spreading Daddy's ashes.
- No way.

We can't spread Daddy's ashes
on this solid gold dud-fest.

All eternity on a mantel
is more fun than this party.

We're not gonna do
this to you, Ed.

- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Hang on. I think I know

just the person who can turn
this snooze-a-palooza

into an Ed-stravaganza.

- [women whooping]
- BRENDA: Brenda attack!

Let's do this!
[women whooping]

Brendas, roll out!

We got a party to start! Whoo!

Slutty Nun Brenda.
Slutty Bride Brenda.

Slutty Cop Brenda.
Slutty Slut Brenda.

Let's go!

- Brendas! Fan out and lay waste.
- Copy thaaaat...!

- [whooping]
- Okay, now!

- Hell yeah!
- That's right!

- [Brenda grunts]
- Oh, now we're cookin'.

Happy Scatterday, Daddy!

[yells]

Brendaaaa...!

[yells]

[rock music playing]

[whoops]

[lively chatter]

It's so nice
to finally meet you, Jenny.

You and the Brendas
really saved this party.

- And I'm loving this costume.
- Yeah, I'm Eve.

The O.G. Slut. And guess
where I got my Zombie Juice.

In the snake. You can drink
from the head or the butt.

Dealer's choice!

Daddy would have loved me
drinking Fireball

out of a snake's butt.
[gasps]

Give me that!

[whoops]

Oh, hey, and, Jenny,
I hope you didn't mind,

but I invited some friends.

- MAN: Yeah!
- [whooping, excited shouting]

[clamoring, laughing]
[engines roaring]

Oh!

[grunts, laughs]

[slurping]

[men grunting, whooping]

- [device beeping]
- What are all those bleeps and blorps?

This thing right here
is an EMF scanner.

This one listens for frequencies
up above 50 kilohertz,

or what we call
"The Spooky Spectrum."

VIOLET: And I'm just filming Leonard,
'cause that's the real show.

Okay, brambles are getting thick.
Everybody, stay close.

WAYNE: Oh, God.
I think I'm already lost.

- [tapping branches]
- Leonard, is this you?

Nope, it's a bush.

[crowd whooping, clamoring]

[cheering]

[grunting]

[dogs snarling]

- CROWD: Burn, baby!
- [whooping]

[grunts] This is amazing, y'all!
Just like old times.

Welcome to hell, my babies.

- Two, three, four! Yeah...!
- [rock music playing]

♪ Ghosts and goblins ♪

♪ Spirits and ghouls ♪

♪ Golden goblets ♪

♪ Treasure and jewels ♪

♪ Earthly temptations ♪

♪ Pleasure and sin ♪

♪ Give in to the dark side ♪

♪ Let the mayhem begin... ♪

- Great party.
- It really is though.

Just like the old days.

Uh-oh, I'm lost. Everyone,
follow the sound of my voice.

[screams]

Oh, Lord, I'm gonna pass...

[screaming grows weaker]

I'm gonna pass out...

Ed Hart's spawn
to the stage, please.

♪ ♪

♪ Devil's ferry ♪

♪ Who will pay the toll? ♪

♪ Give a coin to the boatman ♪

- ♪ Or he will steal your soul ♪
- [crowd cheering]

♪ Said the squire to the master ♪

♪ Another mortal sold ♪

- ♪ It's All Hallows' Eve ♪
- [deep voice]: ♪ Last one ♪

- ♪ Don't have time to grieve ♪
- [deep voice]: ♪ Be done ♪

♪ There's chaos left to sow ♪

[deep voice]:
♪ Satan watches from below. ♪

[cheering]

[cheering continues]

Ah-hoo-hoo-hoo! Jenny!

[laughter, lively chatter]

Oh, Jenny baby,
that was amazing, y'all!

- You turned this party up.
- Oh, I'm just getting started.

- [engine starts]
- Brenda! Ramp!

On it!

Ed Hart's daughter
is gonna do the jump!

You mean like an homage?

Well, I-I would call it
a tribute, but-but yeah.

[crowd cheering]

[engine revving]

JENNY: Daddy, this one's for you!

♪ ♪

Goodbye, Daddy!

[Randy howls]

BRENDA: That's my Jenny!
Oh-ho, that's my Jenny!

CROWD [chanting]:
Jenny! Jenny! Jenny! Jenny!

[harp playing arpeggios]

BETTY: Jenny? Jenny?

CHARLES LEE: Now Jenny's
really gonna do the jump.

Yeah. She was sitting there
staring for a while,

but now I think it's a go.

- CROWD [chanting]: Jenny! Jenny! Jenny!
- [engine revving]

- Jenny!
- [whooping, cheering]

[crowd groans]

She's dead, babies!

Satan's mistress
has descended into hell.

- BETTY: Randy!
- JENNY: I'm okay. I'm fine.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Stop! I'm not on fire.

Look, I'm not taking any chances.

- Aah! Damn it!
- That was scary as hell,

exhilarating,
vomit-inducing, thrilling...

everything that life with Ed was.

I saw him, just now, in you.

You truly are Ed's daughter.
But it's time to say goodbye.

This is the perfect moment.
Let's do this.

- Give me those ashes.
- I don't have the ashes.

Well, I definitely
gave you the ashes.

Oh, my God. We lost Daddy!

[gasps]
♪ ♪

[whooping, cheering]

Jenny, I can't believe you lost Ed.

Hell's bells!
We came here to let him go,

and now we can't even do that.

Well, yeah, but thinking
maybe it's for the best.

Maybe this is the way
he's supposed to go out.

You know? All mysterious,
at the party of the century.

Jenny, has your Stevie Nicks
costume always included

- a rolling suitcase?
- Oh. Yeah,

it's got my tambourine
and all my cocaine in it.

Oh, don't you try to Rhiannon
this situation, Jenny.

Whoa. Wha... What?
Daddy's in the suitcase?

[chuckles] How did you
end up in there, Daddy?

God, I wish we could ask him.
We can't.

Oh, well, let's just get him

- back on the mantel.
- Jenny baby, I know what happened:

you thought about it, and you
couldn't go through with it.

I been there a million times.

But we got to do this.
It's time.

No! I'm not ready
to say goodbye.

- Brendas! Clear a path!
- [engine starts]

On it!

- [engine sputtering]
- Dang it!

- [engine stops]
- [owl hooting]

Well, Daddy, looks like
we're gonna have to hoof it.

[bird cawing]

[sighs]
Shouldn't have revved so much.

♪ ♪

[shivering]

It's Lydia.

Oh, Lord. There she is.

Remain calm, Wayne.

Sorry, Daddy.

Thought it was the right time,
but turns out I...

I don't think
there'll ever be a right time.

- WAYNE [echoing in distance]: Don't be afraid.
- What?

- It's Daddy.
- [echoing] There you are.

I can't believe it.
It's you.

Oh, Daddy,
I don't know what to do.

I-I need you. Please,
just-just tell me what to do.

- You need to move on!
- But I'm not ready!

- You have to. It's time.
- I love you!

What in the hell?

Wow.
I thought she might kill me

or steal my soul,
not fall in love with me.

I love you, too, I guess!

Oh, Lord.
She's coming right towards me.

I conquered this, didn't I?

[panting] Bye!

Oh. Wait. Got to prove
I actually did this.

[camera clicks]

I guess it's time.
Thank you, Daddy.

And then, with a flash,
he disappeared into the mist.

My sweet Ed.
How did he look in his jeans?

Were you able to catch
a gander at his buns?

- Mother!
- Just tell me if he was keeping it tight.

[sighs] Well, I think it's safe
to say that even in death,

Daddy is keeping it tight.

♪ ♪

- So, are you sure you're ready, baby?
- I've never been readier.

- [siren chirps]
- OFFICER [over bullhorn]: Hey, you can't be up there!

Uh-oh. Hurry it up, shug.
We got to do this quick.

- Bye, Daddy!
- Love you, Ed!

I love you!

- [siren whoops]
- [tires screech]

[officers panting]

- Oh, no.
- Mother, quick.

- [dramatic sobbing]
- Oh, my baby, oh, my baby,

uh, fell down
in the drainage ditch. Oh, no!

There I was,
there she was... Lydia.

And I had this long, personal,
heartfelt conversation with Daddy.

Mm. So, you saw a boy ghost,
and, Wayne, you saw a lady ghost

at approximately the same time
on the same night?

I can't believe you guys
don't see what's going on here.

- What?
- What happened?

Shh. Well, it's great.

You both got
what you needed: closure.

- Oh, yeah. It is amazing.
- So amazing.

Holy crap! How did I forget
this little ol' tidbit?

- I got a picture of Lydia.
- Wait, are you serious?

Wayne, that is so exciting!

Oh, no. Wayne? It's cool.

We don't need to see the picture.

- Oh, damn it. [sighs]
- Let me see.

Oh, don't worry, Wayne honey.

- We all believe you saw her.
- Yeah.

[scoffs]
Bunch of loonies up in here.

I had to keep a pinch, Ed.

Your buns aren't getting away that easy.

RANDY: Two, three, four!

♪ Devil's ferry ♪

♪ Who will pay the toll? ♪

♪ Give a coin to the boatman ♪

- ♪ Or he will steal your soul ♪
- [crowd cheering]

♪ Said the squire to the master ♪

♪ Another mortal sold ♪

- ♪ It's All Hallows' Eve ♪
- [deep voice] ♪ Last one ♪

- ♪ Don't have time to grieve ♪
- [deep voice] ♪ Be done ♪

♪ There's chaos left to sow ♪

[deep voice]
♪ Satan watches from below. ♪

[cheering]
[whooping]