Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - Tornado Season: Part Two - full transcript

- Oh, my God.
- What? What?

Honey, that is Mrs. Skillet
from Mrs. Skillet's Diner.

I just stopped by to give
you a little present.

- Are you seducing me?
- I'm trying.

I've been reading up on Mrs. Skillet,

and I thought... ding!

local eggs from our farm!

- Huh?
- I like that.

Beau. What are you doing here?

Well, there they are, my two egg boys.

Some S.O.B. by the name of Beau



showed up to try to
take the job from me!

He's a backstabber.

- Janine might be pregnant.
- What?!

How many times did you have sex?

- Twice.
- Zero times.

- I'm not pregnant.
- I will do one with you right now.

Up and at 'em. Let's make it rain.

That's the tornado siren.

We got to get to the basement. Let's go.

Go! Go!

Looks like we are riding
out this storm together

in my teen hang zone.

Okay, I can't handle this waiting.

I need to know who's got
a biscuit in their basket.



Has it been two minutes yet?

Oh, no, sweetie. It takes nine months.

She's homeschooled.

Okay, can you sit down for a second?

- Why?
- I just want... I think

- you should be sitting.
- Well, you guys are standing.

Why don't you sit?
Okay, so, as you know,

your girlfriend may be pregnant.

Yeah, even though we only
had full, 100% sex...

- One time.
- For one second.

I've never seen you
so excited to do math!

The other part of this

is that your mother
may also be pregnant.

But she already has a kid.

Hey, I did it 100%, 100% of the time.

Okay, we have these
pregnancy tests we've taken,

- and we're waiting, so...
- Okay.

- Whose is whose?
- Yours was in the left pocket.

Mine was from your right pocket.

Oh, look at you,
knowing left from right.

You know what it was?
Mine was in the top pocket.

Yours was in the left pocket...

and then I moved it to the right.

What do you mean you moved it?
Why would you move it?

Yours was in the left pocket, right?

As... I meant, like, right?

Not, like, right pocket. Right?

- Is that what you mean?
- But that's the left pocket.

Righty tightly, lefty loosey.

That's for screws.

They're mixed up,
you guys. I'm so sorry.

- What?! Rio! We're not gonna know.
- It's fine. They're all negative.

- So, it's fine.
- Okay.

No. There's one.

- There's one that's positive.
- What?!

One of us is pregnant.
One of us is pregnant.

One of us is having a baby.

A baby boy.

No, it's not...

Blue doesn't mean...

- Yeah...
- ... that it's a boy.

- Yeah!
- He'll be strong like an ox.

- Guys.
- I can't wait.

- Oh, my God.
- Hug your mom for once!

Hug your mom!

Alright, everybody.

I hope you got whatever you need.

Loofahs? What? Girl, come on.

Alright, everybody.
We're gonna close up.

If you need anything else,
just pound on the door,

because Brandon's gonna be here

giving tornado updates on the radio.

- Be safe!
- Me?

No. I'm waiting out
this tornado at home.

No. Your home is an RV.

You might as well send an
Evite to the Grim Reaper.

Fine, fine.

But if I'm staying here,
I'mma eat whatever I want.

Yeah, that's right.

That's all the rebel I have left in me.

She took all the rest.

This is my soy sauce now.

Look, I-I-I gotta go on patrol.

I gotta make sure that people
are taking shelter, okay?

My beautiful first responder.

My hero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good, too.

I gotta go. Okay.

The Nebraska Weather
Service warning includes

York County, Polk County,
Seward County. You know what?

If you live in a county,
just get in the damn basement.

I'm stuck in my mom's store,
so it's been nice knowing you.

Look at us.

About to hunker in your bunker.

Sounds kind of sexy,
don't you think, Button?

I'm Rudy.

Far be it from me to ask who Button is.

But I imagine he's signed
an NDA, as well?

Button is my nickname for you.

Because a button is cute

and works hard and no
one notices it's there.

Got it.

I'll call you Flare Gun.

'Cause you're so hot and easy to see.

- No.
- No?

Anyone in danger, reach out
and I'll connect you to my mom.

She's out patrolling.

- Constance.
- Is it brave? Yes.

Is it smart? Hell no.

I gotta go. I'll be right back.

What? You're going out in the tornado?

I'm worried...

about my goat.

She doesn't have her squeaky banana.

It's her favorite toy.

She looks perfectly entertained
watching nothing on the TV.

Trust me, she turns into
a real Donatella Versace

without that banana.
You go down in the bunker.

I'm gonna go in the house
and look in the fruit bowl.

She sometimes puts
it in there to prank me.

Goats.

As an update, I'm very scared.

And very hungry.

Okay, I know this sucks,

but this is how most chickens
spend their entire lives.

So maybe that'll give
you some perspective.

I'll be back with your sisters.

What are you doing here?

Saving your dumb birds.

It's an apology in the
form of a selfless gesture.

Accept it or choose vengeance.

Okay, I choose vengeance.

Oh-ho! Well, I don't blame ya!
Tell you what.

Then why don't you floss my
crotch with that bicycle chain?

What... What is that gonna accomplish?

It'll hurt me badly,
but it'll heal me emotionally.

I'm not gonna do that.
I don't want to do that.

What I'd like to know is why a
good friend of mine betrayed me.

'Cause I had no choice.

I got nothing, Mike. I'm broke.

My bank accounts are seized up
like an 80-year-old's colon.

Please don't tell anybody.

Beau, I'm so sorry.

And if you're in the hole
that bad, you know,

I-I'll just pull out of the deal.

I don't want your charity.

And don't you tell
Dolores or anyone else...

Tell me what?

Oh! Hey!

- Uh, Dolores, um...
- I didn't see you there.

How much of his blathering did you hear?

Oh, I heard everything.

If a man gives you an opportunity

to take a shot at his genitals,
you take it every time.

Sure. Sure.

Come on down here in this bunker!

I need a couple of strong hands

to open this bottle of wine!

Okay. That's you.

Gosh, I can't believe
I might be a father!

I hope it walks right away.

It really freaks me out when babies

are just on the ground,
just not walking.

Okay, I need to know which one
of us is pregnant right now.

But you got me in limbo over here

because you played Three-card
Monte with our urine!

I didn't... That would
have happened to anyone

with this many fashion-forward pockets.

Seems like you're a little
bit annoyingly sensitive,

which is exactly what I would
expect from a pregnant woman.

I am not annoyingly sensitive.

I'm naturally sensitive all the time.

You know that. You like it about me.

- You do. Say it.
- I like it about you.

- Exactly.
- Mm-hmm.

How are your door knockers feeling, huh?

My what?!

Your door knockers,
your breasts, your boobies.

They're called Mount Zions.

- My big naturals?
- You know the saying.

"Swollen humps bring baby bumps."

Who said that?

- God.
- Okay.

Everybody, gentle pats on your breasts.

I'm not gonna. I'm sorry.

You're shy now, but every day,

you prance around town with your
chest flapping in the breeze,

just like flags on a pirate ship.

Come on, get involved.

If I bounce,
I don't feel anything different.

- Well, get your hands on 'em.
- Fine.

Just give the ladies a gentle pat.

Janine, you, too.

- Put your hands just... Come on.
- I'm touching.

Janine. Get in there.

Okay, this is happening.

- Mine are itchy.
- Itchy.

- There we go.
- Mine are fine.

Mine are goo... Are you happy?

I've never been happier.

It's the happiest day of my life.

'Cause I... 'Cause I'm
with all my f-friends...

and my mom.

Oh, no, mine are a little sensitive.

Ohh. Mom. Gross.

He didn't act like that when he was 2.

Couldn't get enough of 'em.

Mom, when you're done
helping at Claire's barn,

I need help, too.
I'm stress-eating through

my second sleeve of fig bars.

Which I don't even like!

Do you need a hand?

Rudy, what are you doing here?

I wanted to make sure you're safe.

Of course I'm safe. I'm the sheriff.

You know, you go find shelter.

You think I want to be out here
in the middle of a twister?

I want to be in my warm bunker,

chipping away at Lady Di's biography,

but you had to go and be the hero.

A tornado has touched down
five miles from Bucksnort.

Everyone, remain calm.

Even if you're in charge
of giving calm updates

and you're freaking out inside.

Mom, if you can hear me out there,
don't be a hero.

Okay, there's no time
to get to a basement.

We got to shelter in place. Here.

Here?

There.

In there?!

No!

Why does it smell
so nice in this trough?

Do these horses eat lavender?

I-I-It's me.

Forgot how much I
like the way you smell.

Unfortunately,
I just shotgunned some clam chowder.

So your smell is gonna have to
do most of the heavy lifting.

Well, I'll say, Rudy's tornado bunker

is nicer than your house, Mike.

When you get right down to it,
chickens are disgusting animals.

Off the purse!

I couldn't agree more with you, Dolores,

and mine, as you can see,
are particularly disgusting.

I would not give me this contract.

I told you I didn't want your charity.

I'm not giving you charity.

I'm just telling Dolores

that all of my chickens have scabies!

That's a misdiagnosis at best.

You dirty son of a bitch.
How dare you be kind to me.

My chickens are disgusting.

Not true. His birds are healthy.

They give great eggs.
The yolk... Ooh, is it orange!

I have a chicken that mated
with a turkey vulture.

I could have stopped it, but I didn't.

Didn't even look away.

I get turned on by that kind of thing.
It's awful.

Is that the kind of
farmer you're looking for?

- My diseased chickens...
- Someone who gets turned on...

- should not be consumed by humans.
- By watching interspecies copulation?

All my chickens have hepatitis. There.

"Tired and sad."

Is anyone feeling tired and sad?

Not you, Jacob.

"Irritable."

Okay, is there anyone who can
take responsible ownership

for this personal trait?

- Kay?
- I'm not irritable.

Jacob, please! Sit still!

I swear to God, if I hear
another bean in that bag move,

you are gonna see a side of me
only reserved for my mother.

She lives in Alaska,
so we don't see her much,

but when I do, I don't like it!

What the hell is this?

Oh, uh...

You still have this thing?

I can't get rid of Wog the Dog.

He likes cuddles too much.

Okay. You seriously think
you're ready to be a father

when you're still
snuggling with a stuffie?

Please, tell me one way that
you plan to care for a child.

One sensible plan.

We picked a name.

Yeah, we wanted something

that was kind of beautiful and timeless,

- so we're gonna call it "Lysol."
- Lysol.

Oh, my God. That's it! That's it!

If you guys want to act
like a bunch of dumbos

and ruin your life,
I don't want a part of it!

If this is your baby,
I'm not taking care of it.

I'm not helping at all. Zero. Zilch.

- Do you hear me?
- Fine. We don't need your help!

Please, can we just dial
it back for just a second?

Because if we really think
about what we're talking about,

someone in here is gonna be a mom.

I mean, like, there's a lot of
people who would really kill

to be in that position.

And aren't.

Guys, I'm so sorry.

Mike and I have really been trying to...

make a baby.

It's a little harder
than we... had thought.

We have this app,

and you can download

your basal body
temperature or something,

- and then we just have sex on...
- Does "basal" mean butt?

Like, butt temperature?

Basil is a plant.

I'm just not sure it's gonna
happen, but, um...

Here. It might help.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

If it's your baby,
of course we'll help you and Janine.

'Cause we're family.

And, Janine, if Jacob loves you,

then, well, that's enough for me.

And I'll try not to, you know,
a-actively and openly hate you.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks... Mom.

Let's just wait till the results
come out for that one.

Attention, all counties.

The tornado warning has been lifted.

This is the all-clear.

- Thank God!
- You can stop panicking

and drinking heavily,

should that apply to you.

Thank you, Heaven. Back off, Leghorn.

When are they gonna give the all-clear?

Apologies. I've got an itch.

I've got these new fancy
socks with golden toes.

I think my body is rejecting the luxury.

They were a gift.

Don't even ask me the
identity of the gift giver,

- 'cause I can't tell you.
- Is it that Skillet lady?

Damn, you're good.

Rudy, you don't have to feel bad

about telling me about
your new galfriend.

Dolores wants to keep our
relationship a secret.

Legally, I'm not even
sure if I can tell you that.

Or that.

Rudy, a-anybody who's
lucky enough to date you

should be proud of you.

I was.

Well, there you are.
They gave the all-clear.

Or maybe you didn't hear it
over all the heavy petting, huh?

- Nothing happened.
- Sure.

Is there room for one more?

No.

A lot of people lost
a lot of random stuff.

Yeah, the tornado missed
our farm. We're lucky.

This is all stuff we
found in people's yards.

- Hmm.
- A lot of interesting items.

I think there's a sex swing over there.

I'd love to find out
who that belongs to.

I like not knowing, you know?

'Cause then I can imagine
me on it with anyone.

- Ah!
- Anyone.

That's a whole Saturday right there.

So, Tinder's just...
It's not working out, is it?

- It is not.
- Oh, oh, there it is! Ooh!

Thank God!

- Here, sweetie.
- Oh, I was gonna say,

you know, if we're gonna
keep that by the grill,

we need to anchor it in cement.

- Yeah, we have to. You're right. Yep.
- Right?

- I'm not shocked.
- No.

- They were a front-runner for me.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna check on the Bowmans.
- Okay.

Hey, guys. How's your farm?

Well, it missed us,

but it caught some of
those folks back south.

You know,
they've already had a tough year.

Oh, man. What can I do?

You're already doing it.
You're helping out.

Well, I wish I could do more.

What can you do? Making lemonade.

Oh, come on! We need
more pregnancy tests!

This is a pregnancy-test emergency!

- Open up!
- Kay, cool it!

Oh, look, the tornado hit
Connie's pretty hard...

- What are you talking about?
- ... in this window.

Janine, hand me that rock.

Kay, no. Okay, we're not throwing

- a-a rock through the window!
- Yes, we are.

- Kay! Stop! Aah!
- We're getting in.

- How about this key?
- Oh.

Well, there is a light shining
in that dome after all.

- Give it to me.
- Oh. Kay's gonna do the honors.

- Yeah, okay, Kay.
- Excellent.

You never know what
you'll find under a rock.

That's where I found my choker.

Yeah, not super shocked.

So, turns out the squeaky banana
was in the barn all along.

Not the most dramatic tornado
story you're gonna hear today,

but I hope you still enjoyed it.

Okay, Button.

Let's hit the road.

You know the drill.

Here are the keys.

Go get in the trunk and wait for me.

No.

I'm not hiding in your trunk anymore.

I don't care how many
MoonPies you put in there.

And this is the E-N-D of our NDA, okay?

What has gotten into you?!

I deserve to be paraded around

like Mariah Carey at a local Walmart.

And if you can't do that, Rudy out.

Oh, wow!

That speech actually put
a little perk in my parts.

And I want a new nickname,

one that connotes the brazen pride
and confidence that I have.

Like "Rooster."

"Rooster"?

But you're such a cutie.

Fine. Rooster and cutie.

"Rutie."

No, that's too hard to remember.

I don't want to...

I don't want to take too much
credit, but I, uh...

I did drop some pretty powerful prayers

during that tornado.

Some, uh, real knee busters.

Wow. Wow, that... T-that's wonderful.

- Get to the bathroom.
- Yeah.

I already went,
so I'm just waiting on mine now.

Okay. Wait, what? You already went?

Yeah, I just...
I popped a squat outside.

What did you think I was doing
when I said "Give me a second"?

I thought you were tying your shoe!

Yeah, I did that while I was down there.

It got dicey when I was
doing the double knot.

My calves took some shrapnel.

You were peeing and tying
your shoe at the same time?

Yes. Can you not multitask?

- Get to the bathroom. Let's go.
- Stop yelling at me.

- Come on.
- Let's go. Let's go, everybody.

Would you happen
to be the owner of this?

It blew into my yard.

Give it a honk.

It could be your
ticket out of this town.

Dolores! Hey, Dolores!

Oh, hey, uh, Mrs. S,

I just wanted to talk to you
about earlier in the bunker.

Beau and I said a lot of crazy things,

but we were just trying to
have one another's back.

There's something special in this town.

We help one another.

Look at Brandon.

He's handing out free
supplies from his mom's store.

Kent's helping injured animals for free.

Ray, he's, uh, offering free massage.

I don't totally understand that,
but it's a nice, nice gesture.

All this is fascinating.
I'm struggling to care.

I want you to think
of the PR opportunity

that's right here in this room...

A town trying to rebuild
after a huge tornado.

And then there's Mrs. Skillet's...

There in good times and
in bad to help people.

Now, instead of us selling
Dolores her eggs,

why don't all of us sell her

the food she needs for her restaurant?

How do y'all feel about forming a co-op

where we supply not just eggs,

but meat and vegetables...
Anything she needs?

And tell that tornado
to go to hell! Huh?!

Okay, now, if everyone's up for it,

I will be running the
co-op with my friend Beau

because we're great teammates.

Don't worry, everybody.
I'm gonna be in charge.

Okay.

- So, you guys know about the co-op.
- Anything yet?

- We could all work as a team.
- No. Not yet.

- We did it. We peed. We peed.
- You did? On your sticks?

Yeah, yeah, we peed on our sticks.
We're waiting now.

With this co-op,

the people that have been
affected by the storm,

they're not gonna be hurting anymore.

- Something's coming through.
- Stop it. Stop it. Really?

What do you guys think? Are you with me?

Negative!

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- It's negative.
- It's negative. Oh, my God.

Well, uh... hopefully,
some of you are still on board.

- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah, you don't need a... Whoo!

Okay!

Bucksnort! Bucksnort!

Bucksnort! Bucksnort!

Bucksnort! Bucksnort!

So, I guess that...
that means it's... it's one of us.

- Yeah!
- And so I'll just be calm.

I'll be calm and wait,
'cause I'm actually good

at being calm and waiting.

- It's me.
- W-What?

The test says I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Okay.

Her... test says she's...

I'm gonna take a minute.

Get over here.

You're gonna be okay, alright?

Okay. You're okay.

I am excited to tell Jacob.

Once he's done getting
a massage from Ray.

- What?
- Ahhhhh.

I'm sorry it didn't happen this time.

I don't know, I kind of felt
like it was really gonna happen,

you know, even though it was,
like, unrealistic.

- Yeah.
- I just sort of hadn't...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait. Honey.

Honey, look at this.
There's a second line coming.

- Look at it. Yes, honey!
- Mnh-mnh.

- Sweetie, it's...
- Lookit!

No, it's not really definitive, though.

It's more of, like, a smear.

No, no, no, no.
That is definitely a second blue line!

We have two blue lines or...
or three white lines.

What are... What are we looking for?

- Three white lines or two blue lines?
- I do see it. I do see it.

Do you see it? And you see the key here?

- Yeah, it's not alone.
- Two lines equals pregnant.

Honey.

- Am I...?
- You're... You're... Yes.

We're having a baby!

I'm really glad that
we're only having one kid,

because having two would be weird.

Well, a pregnancy test can't tell you

if you're having one or two kids.

Um, yes, it can.

Yeah. We only have one stripe.

That means we're only having one kid.

- Oh, God.
- You're not pregnant.

- You're not.
- One line means you're not pregnant.

- Oh, my God. Thank God.
- I'm not...

- pregnant....
- One equals zero.

- I'm not pregnant! I'm not pregnant!
- You're not pregnant!

Oh, my God! We won!

My boy's first pregnancy scare!

Oh, my gosh!

Okay. Alright.

You can let go. I have.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

Wait, if you're not pregnant
and we're not pregnant...

then that means...

Where are they?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, honey.
- That feels so weird.

There's, like, a stranger in there!

- You have a little tenant!
- Like, a little weirdo.

- Yeah, a little weird tenant.
- It's our weirdo.

- I'd like to keep this between us.
- Yeah, yeah.

Just hold on to this little
baby secret away from the town.

- Just, like, let's have this.
- So we can enjoy this.

- Yes, our... for us. Yeah.
- For us!

- Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!
- Oh, congratulations!

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!

They already know? We just found out.

I am never gonna get used to

how quickly news
travels in a small town.

I can't be too judgy.

I told everyone about Kent and
Deb's sex swing immediately.

Well, I mean, it's a good scoop.

Whose is it?

Guys, this is amazing!
Look at all this cool stuff!

Thank you, thank you.

We're not gonna use it anymore,
thank God!

- Right?
- Oof!

Can you imagine right now

staring at years of diapers,
fevers, and teething...

- Oh, God...
- ... and hours and hours and hours

of just staring at that little butthole?

You don't know, but there's a-a straw

that you put up your baby's
nose and you suck the snot out.

But you will.

I mean, the reality is, raising a child

is a living nightmare until it's over.

And then it's just sad.

Honey, it's gonna be so fun!

I'm so excited!

- I'm excited.
- We're having a baby!