Bless This Mess (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 19 - Tornado Season: Part One - full transcript

RIO: Whose car do you think that is?

Must be a rich Omaha banker.

- You think?
- See, I think it's Meghan and Harry,

because if you wanted
to escape the castle,

what better place to
hide than Bucksnort?

Whoever it is, we should stop staring,

because obviously,
they don't want a lot of attention.

- A little attention, please!
- Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my God.

That's, um... [SNAPS FINGERS]

Mrs. Skillet from Mrs. Skillet's Diner.



We ate there when we
first drove into Nebraska.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
It's got the jingle, right?

The jingle, yeah.

BOTH: ♪ If your tummy's empty,
we can fill it ♪

♪ Mrs. Skillet ♪

♪ Got the breakfast ♪

- [DEEP VOICE] "Right off of Route 34."
- Yeah.

- Should we say hi?
- Yeah.

Well, let me have it back.

Mrs. Skillet. Mrs. Skillet.

My name's Rio. I'm
just a really big fan.

Well, I'd think a "big fan" would know

that my real name is
Dolores Skelmersdale.

- Skelmersdale. That's great.
- Skelmers... Skelmer...



- I'm Mike.
- Hi.

What... What brings you to Bucksnort?

Well, I'm opening a new
franchise down the road.

- Oh!
- Oh, my Go...

- Score!
- Ooh! Sign us up.

Here's my card.

- Ooh, a card.
- Don't call, though.

- You know... No.
- Don't call.

Um, will you be rude to me next?

- I don't think I have the time.
- She did.

[SLURPING]

Well, hello there...

Betsy.

I'm off the clock.
You'll have to pump your own gas.

We're not liable for slips,
falls, or explosions.

Do you know who I am?

You're not the president, are you?

- I don't follow the news.
- [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Tall and funny.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

What are you drinking?

This, I guess.

Mmm.

[SLURPING]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SLURPING]

- [RHYTHMIC SLURPING]
- Yeah.

[SLURPING CONTINUES]

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

MIKE: Hey, honey.

I've been reading up on Mrs. Skillet,

and she had a big ol' scandal last year.

- Oh.
- Turns out their powdered eggs

were cut with baby powder.

- Mm-mm-mm.
- That's gross.

Yeah. Now she's trying to rebrand,

and I thought... ding! [SNAPS FINGERS]

what about this as a PR move?

- Okay.
- They add an item to their menu...

- Local eggs from our farm!
- [GASPS]

- Huh?
- I like that.

I have a meeting with her tomorrow.

- I'm so excited.
- And I-I... This is it.

This is what we've been working for!

I mean, I don't want to overstate it,
but I think

our whole life has been
leading up to this moment.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Hang on a second.

- What do we got?
- It's Kay. She keeps texting me.

She wants me to go over there.

She's helping Jacob and Janine
plan their engagement party,

and I don't think it's going well,

'cause she keeps texting me
"Duck that witch."

- It's autocorrect.
- "Duck that witch"...

- Work it out.
- Okay.

- So I got to get over there.
- Okay, it's getting hot over there.

- Yeah.
- Uh, can I come with you?

Because I-I want to get a
couple tips for my presentation.

Beau told me he's, like,
an incredible salesman,

and I bought it, so I'm thinking,
maybe he is.

- Maybe he is. Yeah.
- Alright.

I don't think you understand
how expensive it is

to rent out an entire water park.

- How is everyone?
- JANINE: ... talking about this.

Our engagement party has
to be at a water park!

Why can't we just have it here?

Because I'll look stupid
walking around the house

in my bathing suit!

Oh, my God!

Janine... hey...

You can go eat a foot-long
hot dog, Janine!

You know she just ate lunch!

- Hi, Rio. You look very nice today.
- Hi. Hi.

- KAY: God, this is a nightmare!
- Well...

No, their demands don't
even make any sense.

Janine wants Coachella to perform live.

- Coachella?
- Yeah.

You know how hard she is to get?

She's the biggest act in show business.

Ohhh, dear.

Kay, just remember what
we were talking about.

They're inseparable.

- They're a united front against you.
- Mm-hmm.

You got to put on a big ol' smile

and ingratiate yourself,

- be on their team, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

And then you can destroy
them from the inside,

like a tapeworm.

Alright. I think can put on
a pleasant face. How's this?

Work on it.

That's it. That's... That's the one.

That's the one.

Now, if you follow this ascending line,

what you're gonna see is, more and more

Americans are valuing organic...

- No. No...
- ... healthy, local...

Business out here is about
relationships, not numbers.

You walk in there
with a bottle of scotch,

and you give Dolores a nickname,

like "Chief" or "Pinky"
or "Ding Dong Daddy."

And you don't think she'll be offended
if I call her "Ding Dong Daddy"?

It's a power play.

And so is this.

Well, no... I...

- You want to try it?
- Yeah, let me try.

Hold on. Let me try it.

- Watch that thing!
- Sorry.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, Betsy.

I just stopped by to give
you a little present.

For me? [CHUCKLES]

Wow.

I just thought this would bring
out those blue eyes of yours.

- Does it?
- Ohh.

- I can't see my eyes.
- [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING] You're adorable.

- Are you seducing me?
- I'm trying.

- I can't get you out of my mind.
- Oh, boy.

Drinking that slushie.

- So slowly.
- Mm-hmm.

Mrs. Skelmersdale,
I find your attention very flattering,

but you need to know the truth about me.

I may seem like some gas station Zaddy,

but I've done some
bad things in my life.

I gambled away my money,
committed insurance fraud,

loved two women and lost them both.

Now I live in a barn with a
goat that sleeps on my face.

I'm bad news. Do you hear me?

I want to read every page.

I'm finding this banter
extremely arousing.

I have a hotel room in Omaha.

I'm not sure I can maintain
this level of ardor

for a two-hour drive.

Well, that was a good idea.

I wouldn't have made it to Omaha.

Plus, my shift isn't over,

so it's good I didn't leave the station.

[DOLORES CHUCKLES]

Well, we're gonna have to
get you a suit to match this.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I'm gonna have so much fun

making you over.

And I'm glad that there
isn't a lot of body hair,

but I think we're gonna have to
get rid of what is there.

- Okay.
- And there's just one little thing

- that I need from you.
- Mm-hmm?

It's a non-disclosure agreement.

You can't talk to anyone
about our relationship.

My brand is family-friendly.

I'm not gonna have my personal affairs

splashed all over every
tabloid in Nebraska.

Ours will be a secret love,
like Romeo and Juliet

or some other couple we never heard of

'cause their love was a secret.

There's my boss coming.

Act like I just changed the oil.

You have oil in this?

I do now.

Hey, Beau!

Hey, Deb.

Just putting up my storm windows.

Tornado season.

Yeah? What's the point?

I mean, the bank's gonna
own this farm next month.

I saw how behind you are on
your tractor lease. Eesh.

I guess when you and Kay
were contemplating divorce,

no one was watching the farm, huh?

[CHUCKLES] Ruh-roh!

Bye-bye!

One day, all you mail people
are gonna be replaced by drones.

Stop flirting with me, Beau!

Well, how am I supposed to harvest

if you take back all my equipment?

I have been a loyal customer
for more than 30 years.

Don't do me like this, Dale. Don't...

Who are you talking to?

[DALE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

I have no interest in investing
in an adult bookstore.

- What?!
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

- [CELLPHONE CLATTERS]
- Pornographers.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

♪♪

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

Okay.

Oh. Beau. What are you doing here?

Hey, Mike. I just, uh, came by...

Well, there they are, my two egg boys.

You know what is wild, Mike,

is that Beau came up with
the same idea you did.

Did he, now? [LAUGHS]

- Come on in, Mike. I'll see you first.
- Oh, sure.

Let me, uh, give you this.

[CHUCKLING] What a cute little bottle.

Well, I thought to go any
bigger would be tacky.

KAY: What's taking those two
pinheads so long upstairs?

'Cause this is disrespectful to
your mother, making her wait.

I told them I needed to talk to them.

You know what you should do?
You should use this.

This is a massager.

Oh, can I take this
and rub it on my butt

and then rub it in Janine's face?

No, woman. Put it on your body.

This isn't gonna work.
You know that, right?

Ohhh!

- What is that?
- Okay.

- How's it not work...
- Oh, God. This is so dumb.

I hate it.

Ahhhhh.

I'm gonna go check on the kids.

Really, really dumb.

JACOB: I love you so much.
This isn't gross at all.

Guys? Hello? Are you okay?

- Yeah, um...
- [RETCHES]

This has been happening a lot lately.

I-I think that her anger at my mom

is making her sick every morning.

I don't know what it's called.

It's like some kind
of... morning sickness.

- [VOMITS]
- [GAGS]

[VOMITS, COUGHS]

Could you bring a scrunchie?

Ooh, Mama. [TRILLING]

Kay. Kay.

- Oh. Hey. Hey.
- Um...

This thing is great.

- Is it?
- I-I've...

I've never felt more
relaxed in my entire life.

- Good.
- Yeah, I don't know

what I was so worked up
about with Jacob.

- He's just a boy in love.
- Yeah, just...

Oh, are you scatting?

Scooby-doo-bop! Scooby-doo-bop!

I like that you're in this space.

I have some neutral news

that really shouldn't affect
this beautiful composure

that you're experiencing right now.

Hit me. Whatever it is, I'm at peace.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Um...

- Janine might be pregnant.
- What?!

- Might.
- What?!

Stop it! Down! Woman!

So the doctor says, "Rectum?
I damn near killed him!"

[BOTH LAUGH]

That's even funnier the second time.

- Okay.
- I'll see you later.

- Alright. [LAUGHING]
- Okay.

Hey! Beau?

Hey, man. No hard feelings, right?

Oh, no. Very hard feelings. It's on.

Dolores is coming to my farm
on Tuesday, and I'm gonna win.

Okay, well, she's gonna see
my farm on Tuesday, too.

- Okay?
- Ooh, ahh.

- But we're still friends.
- No.

- We're... We're like gladiators.
- Mnh-mnh.

One day, we fight it out in the ring.

Next day, we...
We go to the gym together.

No, no, no, no, no.
One of us has to die.

That's how gladiators work.

- Unh!
- You... Ohh, ohh!

Let's go.

- Let's do this.
- Come on.

I'm only gonna ask you this once.

How many times did you have sex?

- Twice.
- Zero times.

Okay, guys,
we've got zero and two times.

Those are two different answers.
We're gonna need some details.

Just... I mean, not too many details.

Just the minimum amount of details
required to answer the question.

It was just once,

but we took a really
long break in the middle.

Yeah, and it wasn't
completely 100% all the way.

But then it kind of...
It kind of was 100%.

Do you know what 100% means?

- Um...
- 'Cause I don't know what 100% means!

Hold that. Hold that.
So, get us up to speed.

Can you unpack that a little bit?

JACOB: Yeah, okay. Um...

So, Janine was wearing
this really thin blouse...

Okay, fast-forward.

And then we got ice cream after.

Jacob needed to get his blood sugar up.

[CHUCKLES] My legs were so weak,
I could barely walk.

Guys, when you say that it wasn't 100%,

- but it also was...
- Mm-hmm.

that's where we're getting,
like, a little muddled.

I just... I don't really
know how to explain it.

You know, it's like when
you're at the community pool

and you dip your toe in
the water to feel if it's cold.

But it was not cold.

It was not cold at all.

Then we totally did it 100%.

- But only for a second.
- Well...

I think it's coming into...
To focus a little bit, right?

So, they did have sex,

but it seems that it
was only for one second,

but it was, during
that one second, 100%.

This is a nightmare.

RIO: Oh, my God.

I sincerely hope your
day was better than mine.

How was your presentation?

You know what?
I think it was... it was likely

the... the best presentation
of my whole life.

- Really?
- Uh, yes.

But then some S. O. B.
by the name of Beau

showed up to try to
take the job from me!

- He did what?
- The job I created.

I did all the work. It was my idea.

- I thought we were friends.
- Beau s...

- You are friends.
- I really thought...

I thought we had a breakthrough.

Come to find out... no, no.
No, he's a backstabber.

He wants to play dirty, guess what.

I'll tear down his whole operation.

Can I tell you the worst
part of this whole thing?

He doesn't even feel guilty.

[SOBBING]

Oh, God!

- Oh, oh, God!
- Beau, we have to talk.

- I am freaking out!
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, God. How can you
even be in here? It reeks.

Smells the same way it always does.

Are you crying? What's wrong?

[GASPS] I went to the pitch.

And?

When I showed up, Mike was there,

trying to steal the job out
from under me.

Son of a biscuit!

What kind of lowlife steals a job

right from under his best friend?!

Maybe he's hard up for cash.

[VOICE BREAKING] Maybe he's ashamed.

God knows what he's going through!

We got to win this thing.

We're gonna take it from him

'cause we're gonna need that income.

Janine might be pregnant.

- What?!
- Yeah. That's what I said.

Okay, Jacob can't support a family.

He can barely support his head.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

How can you be sold out of chicken feed?

Because someone else bought it all?

[HORN HONKS]

Alright.

Uh...

Rudy, what the hell happened

to all the chicken
feed I got this morning?

Beau said he'd unload it.
Said you wouldn't mind.

Which is odd, 'cause personally,
I would mind,

'cause what are the chickens gonna eat?

Where'd he unload it?

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, ho, ho!

Beau, you son of a biscuit!

BEAU: This is kidnapping!

You don't deserve these hens, Beau!

Chicken thief!

Get back here!

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

Go get 'em, Lil' Beau.

This rooster can go all night.

Enjoy.

Okay, this is an absolute disaster.

We can't have a rooster
in here with our girls!

- Where is the...
- Oh! This guy.

Oh, you are going back
to Beau and Kay's.

- How dare you.
- We'll see how funny...

Only one papa in this roost.

No... no... Get him!
He's gonna fertilize all the eggs!

- Catch him! Catch him!
- I'm getting it!

We have to discuss how crazy our
husbands are being right now.

Who cares about them?

I'm... I'm out of my mind
about Jacob and Janine.

Does it stink in here?

- [SNIFFS]
- What is that smell?

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, my God,

I hope Jacob didn't save a baby bird

and forget about it
under the sink again.

- He does that?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't smell anything. [SNIFFS]

Does sleeping too much make
you sensitive to smells?

Because I've been getting
like 12 hours a night.

I mean, unless
you're a Hamptons housewife

or you ate a big bowl of spaghetti,

that is, like, entirely too much sleep.

[SIGHS] I'm just exhausted, you know?

Between Beau and the chickens
and Jacob and that idiot

who can't even tell she's knocked up...

[VOMITS]

Can I say something?

No, no, don't say it.

You might be pregnant.

I said not to say it.

No, I'm not pregnant.

I just swallowed a horsefly
while mowing the lawn.

- Okay.
- Move!

What are you doing? Aw, man.

Janine, good to see you.

Have you bought a pregnancy
test yet, like I told you?

I can't just go to the
store and buy one of those.

God will see.

- "God will see"?
- Shh!

He's probably watching right now.

He's allowed to watch you
in the bathroom, like a doctor.

What is wrong with her?

Kay, you need to buy this
woman a pregnancy test.

You need to buy yourself one, too.

Rio, are you crazy?
We live in a small town!

I can't just waltz into
Connie's a buy a pregnancy test.

Everyone will be talking
about it before sunset.

Fine! I'm gonna go buy you
guys both a pregnancy test.

Nobody pee until I come back.

This is a puke-only toilet.

[BOTH VOMIT]

Great.

Oh, my gosh. You're pregnant?

No. Oh, no, no, no. It's...

Rio is pregnant,
and Mike is not the father.

- Okay... What?
- Oh, yes!

W-Wait, what?!

No. Mike is the father.

No, he's not! I'm not pregnant!

I don't know what... This is ridiculous.
Here. Never mind.

I don't even know why...
This is one of...

Oh, my God! Rudy!

[LAUGHS] Congratulations.

Do you know who the father is?

Rudy!

- I'm the father?
- No!

Guys, cool it!

[CHUCKLES] Hello, Constance.

You... You look dapper.

Here's a $100 bill.

Don't ask me where it came from.

Rudy, you can tell me anything.

Are you gambling again?

No, never.

I mean, only in the game of love.

I wish I could tell you more than that.

W-Well, you can. I could help you.

DOLORES: Rudy! I have
henhouses to inspect.

Huh.

I wonder who that woman is.

Better go find out how
she knows my name.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, you get me!

But you know what? I still have
to check out the Levine-Youngs'.

But I have to say that you have
a very impressive operation.

That's what the sheep said.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- You're awful!

Just stop it!

[LAUGHS]

Dolores hasn't made up her mind yet,
but I have a feeling.

Put on your good bra.
We're going to the Sizzler.

Guess it pays to stab your
best friend in the back, right?

Oh, no, no, no.
Beau didn't stab Mike in the back.

I mean, he came up with the idea
to sell to Mrs. Skillet's first.

- Right, Beau?
- This whole thing started

because you stole his idea.

Tell her that's not true, Beau.

Well, I... [SIGHS]

It's true.

I stole Mike's idea.

And I lied to you about it.

- Wha...
- I broke your trust.

I'm sorry. I-I-I-I-I hate
myself, alright?

- Oh, don't...
- So, let...

I'm just gonna go lay naked
in the gravel driveway

and cover myself in hot mustard

and let the birds peck at my flesh.

It's the least I can do.

Just tell me why you did it.

'Cause I needed the money.

- We're almost broke.
- What...

I-I should have kept
a closer eye on things.

When we got separated,
I-I-I-I dropped the ball.

I know you hate me right now,
and I get it.

Go ahead. Kick me in the nards.

Heel-stomp my grapes
until they make wine.

Um, listen to me.

I don't want to hurt you. I love you.

I don't know why.

I don't deserve your love.

Of course you do, you buttface.

Hey, we're in this together, okay?

A year ago, yeah, sure,

we'd never tell each other anything,

but now we're open, we're honest.

We tell each other everything.

[SIGHING] Oh, God.

No.

Guys, come on. You both have
to take a pregnancy test.

No, she does. I'm not pregnant.

You just want me to take
a test so I'll go to hell.

If this condemns you to hell,

that means I'm gonna see you there,
because you know what?

I've peed on literally
hundreds of these tests before.

- Hundreds?! Goodness, Rio.
- You thought you were pregnant

- a lot of times.
- That's a ton of sex.

Is it gonna make you feel better?
I will do one with you right now.

Come on. Up and at 'em.
Let's make it rain.

Look alive. Here we go.

DOLORES: You didn't have
to prepare me a whole meal.

An egg's an egg.

Oh, my God.

[GULPS]

This is the best egg I've ever had.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, is that good to hear!

I have put so much work into these,
and I just... I really...

It's really important to me...

Oh, no, no. You don't need to do that.

[CRUNCHING]

I made my mind up
before I came over here,

but you have really surprised me.

You have surprised me.
I've... I've never seen that.

Uh, c-can I get you something to...
to wash that down with?

Mnh-mnh.

- [SIGHS]
- So, what am I looking for here?

- And why is yours so wet?
- What?

Good Lord! Rio!

You can't score extra
credit on a pregnancy test.

I refuse to be criticized right now

for my aim and hydration.

Alright, well,
these results may take a while.

These expired in '07.

That's alright.
We're gonna wait here, ladies.

We got all the time in the world.

Hey, uh, I was hoping we could talk.

I got news for you.

Unless something crazy happens,

looks like Mrs. Skillet's
gonna go with my eggs.

So, all that backstabbing,
that was for nothing.

No one wants your eggs,
and no one wants your friendship.

I deserve that.

But just know no one hates Beau Bowman

as much as Beau Bowman
hates Beau Bowman.

Well, you are kidding yourself,

because Mike Levine-Young
hates Beau Bowman way worse

than Beau Bowman hates Beau Bowman.

Oh, yeah? Well, what Mike Levine-Young

needs to know is that Beau Bowman...

Can we go back to using pronouns?

[SIREN WAILING LOUDLY]

Does that mean we're all pregnant?

No, no, no. That's the tornado siren.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- A tornado, like, warning,

or, like, a tornado's
happening right now?

Like, get to the shelter, Dorothy,

because in real life,
you don't go to Oz, okay?

Your face gets planted in a tree.

- Get inside!
- Alright!

I'll be in the basement!
Good luck getting home!

I'm not going home,
unless it's to Jesus!

We got to get to the basement. Let's go.

Wait, wait, I don't want this.

- Okay, o-okay, um...
- Well, me either.

So, you, um, are gonna be
in my right pocket.

Kay, you're in my left pocket.

I'll do upper-booby pocket. Okay, good.

Oh, I feel like I got to
give this jump suit away.

There's, like, pee all over it.

Hey, go! Go!