Black Dynamite (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Panic on the Player's Ball Express or That's Influenza Sucka! - full transcript

Previously on
"Black Dynamite"...

We finally have enough
flu vaccine

to immunize every man,
woman, and child

in the black community.

And it's 100% free

and mandatory for all blacks.

[ Crowd gasps ]

"Mandatory" and "free"
sounds like a code

for the BBG.

The BBG?
What's that, Black Dynamite?

Post-coital white girl,



it's a big black genocide thing.

You wouldn't understand.

Aww, I thought you just gave me
the big black genocide.

You damn right, ba-
Wait a minute. What?

[ All screaming ]

You like
injecting people with poison?

Then you gonna love this!

Suey! Suey! Suey!

Honey Bee, I need you to keep
every whore and orphan

under lock and key until
I give the go-ahead

that everything is A-okay.

Now, do you I need to repeat
everything I just said?

No, Black Dynamite.
I was writing it down.

Is everything okay?



I ain't got time to give you
the details right now,

but it's very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very bad.

[ Receiver clicks ]
- Is it bad?

BLACK DYNAMITE:
You're letting them do it to you!

Only you can prevent
the big black genocide...

Only you,
and you, and you, and you!

Huh?

Aw, suey!

No! Don't let them
do it to you!

Black Dynamite, the flu shot
wasn't very, very, very,

very, very, very bad!
It didn't even hurt.

Damn it, I'm too late, and now

every last one of you is
a dead motherfucker.

[ Screams ]

Black Dynamite,
you don't look so good.

I-Y feel like I don't look so...

[thud ]
- WOMAN: Black Dynamite!

Oh, my God.
This man has...

the flu!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

♪ He's dynamite ♪

♪ So dynamite ♪

♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪

♪ Ooohhh ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ He's dynamite ♪

♪ Dy-no, dy-no ♪

♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪

♪ Oooohhhh ♪

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪

This week...

Honey Bee, what's wrong with me?

I don't feel like myself,

and whoever it is
I do feel like,

I don't want a damn thing
to do with them!

Well, the good news is
you're gonna be just fine.

Doc said all you got
is the bad case of the flu.

And here... I picked up your antibiotics.

Now, just take two of these...

I ain't taking none of that shit.

Black Dynamite's a grown,
natural man.

His body fights its own battles.

But wait, now... I just noticed

that all three of you are
dressed like you going

to the Player's Ball
or something.

Blacky D, you might
want to sit down for this.

I'm already laying down.
Now just lay it on me.

And don't call me "Blacky D"
no more.

Oh, Black Dynamite,
you're right.

Player's Ball weekend is
starting now.

No!
Not the Player's Ball weekend!

The one weekend a year

where every whoremonger
worth his pimp juice

gets together to party
like there's no tomorrow?!

But now I won't even be there,
now.

And this year, it's gonna be
on a pimped-out super train!

Don't even worry, B.D,
I'ma tell all the hoes

you got buttermilk biscuits
in your lungs

and a sick case of the pukes.

Now, if y'all need me,
I'ma be in the car,

honking the horn.

Now, how can I have fun
with you here all alone

to fend for yourself
like some kind

of abandoned newborn baby?

[ Horn honking ]

Honey Bee, I ain't
no newborn baby no more.

But even if I was,
the last thing

a newborn Black Dynamite
would want to grow up to be

is some kind of party pooper.

Exactly.
Feel better!

I'ma kill them
at the Player's Ball tonight!

Black Dynamite, look.

Before I shook,
I wanted to give you

this zen-motor-scooter
of a self-help book.

"So You Have the Flu"
by Sun Tzu.

BULLHORN:
It's just like "The Art of War,"

but instead, it's on the flu...

Chinese remedies
used for centuries,

and it just might work
for you, too.

[ CAR HORN HONKING ]
And now, see you,

and I wouldn't wanna be you.

Man, what's the big deal anyway?

Everybody knows that once you
seen one hustler's convention,

you seen them all.

Those who think that
once you've seen

one hustler's convention,
you've seen them all,

have never been aboard
the Player's Ball Express!

This year's annual gathering
of all things pimp-related

is taking place aboard
an invitation-only,

luxury locomotive that runs

on custom-built double-wide
chrome tracks.

Welcome aboard, y'all,
to the Player's Ball Express!

♪ Game ♪

♪ They just wanna
spit game ♪

♪ And pimp these whores ♪

♪ And stay paid all day ♪

Are you guys whores?
Right this way.

♪ Freeze ♪

♪ There goes Tasty Freeze ♪

♪ and Crenshaw Pete ♪

♪ They say his hangar's hot ♪

♪ Purses first
and asses last ♪

♪ They're playing
at the Player's Ball ♪

BLACK DYNAMITE:
Of all the sad-sack sons of bitches

to end up bedridden
on the bathroom floor,

why did it have to be me
this weekend?

Say...

isn't that the book that
Bullhorn got me?

I think I...

[ Eastern-style music plays ]

Sun Tzu said,
"The greatest enemy

makes the body a battleground.

It must be killed
before it kills you...

when you have the flu."

All right, tell me
how I stop this flu fuck

and kill him dead.

Sun Tzu said, "Before battle,
first seek nourishment.

Once on the war path,
there can be no retreat."

All right.
You cool with Roscoe's?

I find the food hit or miss.
But it is convenient...

when you have the flu.

♪ So, goodbye, can't comply ♪

♪ No more tears will I cry ♪

So, by the time I've roped,
hog-tied, and branded her,

you best believe old girl
knows who her man is.

She knows she's property of
Chocolate Giddy-u-u-u-u-u-p.

Sorry, but, uh,
were we talking about your hoes

or your horses again?

My horses, of course!

Who the hell would even brand
a human whore?

You mean besides Crenshaw Pete?

On-track, off-track betting!

These maggots thought
of everything!

Top o' the morning, suckers!

Give ye old leprechaun pimp
me damn gold!

♪ It's real cool to take
a break from the hustle ♪

♪ And get in some real R&R ♪

♪ 'Cause pimping 24/7 is
too damn hard ♪

♪ I know what you mean,
player ♪

♪ My arches is always aching ♪

♪ I got so many gators that
I ain't have time to break in ♪

♪ True pimp problems, player ♪

[ Glasses clink ]

[ Slurring ]
Good morning, players!

Let's get naked!

[ laughs ]

It ain't been but an hour since
the train left the station,

and Captain K's already
a shit-faced disgrace

to the whole pimp nation!
[ laughter ]

Man, you players
are some haters.

Now, if he don't drink
responsibly,

how's he supposed
to pimp responsibly?

Hey, man! Open up!
I'm coming in!

Fair warning...
I don't have pants on.

My balls are out.

I'm gonna get naked with
somebody in here!

Hello?!

What the...?

You know what your head
looks like?

My balls.

♪ Gonorrhea ♪

[ laughs ]

Holy shit fuck piss!

Did anyone ever tell you that
you look like

that "Love Boat"
bartender motherfuck?

Kill his ass, Isaac.

What?!
What part of the game is this?!

The part where I shake
the whole pimp game down

and get you players in pocket...

Leroy Van Nuys' pocket.

I'm allergic to fire!
[ screams ]

[ Train horn blows ]

♪ So, goodbye, can't comply 2 ♪

Time for this cowboy to mosey
on over to the outhouse

and water his stallion.

[ Soulful yodeling ]

Oh, my God!

"I'm a pimp killa bitch."

"I'm a pimp k..."
"I'm a pimp killa..."

Oh, my god!

♪ So, goodbye ♪
- Murderer!

[ Record scratches ]

Murderer!
[ glass breaks ]

What the hell are you doing
yelling, "murder, murder!"

At a pimp party, fool?!

Somebody's cooked
Kangaroo's goose.

There's a pimp killer
on this train,

and we're all pimps!

Sit your black
"Blazing Saddles" ass down.

100-plus miles on a train
full of hustlers

with they best hoes,
finest jewelry,

and bankrolls in tow,

and you getting
your no-ass-having chaps

in a bunch over one dead pimp?

I say we're doing pretty good!

[ Crowd cheers ]

You reckless studs play
how you want.

Stop this train!

Chocolate Giddy-u-u-u-u-u-p
wants to get off!

Whatever, ol' wimpy-ass pimp.

[ Sizzling ]

Okay. All right.
I didn't need to see that!

HONEY BEE: Damn! Think all that
drinking made him extra flammable?

BULLHORN: Tonight was supposed
to be a night to end all nights,

but now it's clear as day...

Something's just not right.

[ Women shouting ]

Oh, my God!

- What's the shakedown?
- LEROY VAN NUYS: Attention.

This is the conductor up in
this motherfucker.

Y'all may have noticed
we missed a stop.

That's because this Player's Ball
has now gone express.

Next stop, eternity in hell.

- [gasps ]
- This pimping is a cold game.

Thanks for playing, suckers!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Oh, nooo!
See, I told y'all!

We're all gonna die!

BLACK DYNAMITE: Give me
two orders of Roscoe's chicken soup

and hot lemony tea,
and make it come right up.

Soup and tea?

That was two weeks ago,
Black Dynamite.

Problem with food
is it comes and it goes,

and I needed something with
a little more staying power.

So, from now on, it's Roscoe's
Eight-Track and Betamax!

Now, how many Eight-tracks
and Betamaxes

would you like, Black Dynamite?

Hold your horses and your
Betamaxes, Roscoe.

We're receiving
unconfirmed reports

that the Player's Ball Express
has been hijacked.

If only there was
one man with a plan

on that train there
to save everyone.

Wait... I know one man

who should've been on that train
in the first place,

and that man has a plan.

And that plan is to get
on that train

and save everyone,
even though they thought

they could have a Player's Ball
without him.

And that man's name is Black...

[gags ]

Is Black... [gags ]

[ sighs ]

Is Black Dyna...

[ Vomits ]

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Man, you done throwed up

all over my electronics store,
Black Dynamite.

Now, I don't blame no one here

for fear about their health,

but let's be clear...
This ain't no time

for "every pimp
for himself."

And you know what I say, sucker?

Every pimp for himself!

CREAM CORN:
Wait, Crenshaw Pete!

There's still some pimp room
on that lifeboat!

So long, sons of bitches!

Aaaah!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Never mind.

[ Growling ]

♪ All over my... ♪

Aah!

Oh, God!
Oh, damn!

[ People screaming ]

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Door opens in distance ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

What the hell?!

Leroy Van Nuys?
I thought you were dead!

Then you thought wrong,
Lucky Charms,

'cause it's
the opposite of that.

[ Baby crying ]

You been laying around here
givin' birth all day.

Now get your ass out there
and get me my money,

you lazy ho.

When I was drownin'
in a sink full of pimp juice,

turnin' blue and not breathin',

y'all thought I was dead.

Then, when my mama left her pimp

and he blasted out my chest
with his shotgun,

y'all thought I was dead.

Then, when I needed
that kidney transplant

and all the pimps was
matching donors

but nobody gave me one

and y'all stuck my ass in a box

and put me in the ground,

y'all thought I was dead.

But guess what...
Leroy Van Nuys is alive!

The opposite of what
y'all 'bout to be... dead.

[ Screams ]

Your tragic back story is
just water under the bridge now.

Why are you doing this?

'Cause I'm a motherfucking
pimp, motherfucker.

This is the most cold-blooded
shit I could come up with.

Now, we're not opposed to
negotiation, Leroy.

You're amongst rational people.

After all, we're all pimps here.

Say, if I remember correctly,

you owe me a pot of gold,
sucker.

Take it all!

I don't really care at all
about me gold anyway.

Too late. You screwed me
out of 10 grand,

so how I'm gonna screw you
with 10 grand,

you little midget motherfucker.

[ All screaming ]

[ Screams ]

I'm seein' pink hearts,
yellow moons,

green clovers, blue diamonds,
and a white light.

[ Bones crunch ]

Eww! That's just nasty!

You see, that's why
none of y'all can compete,

'cause a real pimp
ain't got no heart.

[ Ticking ]

[ laughing evilly ]

HONEY BEE:
Aw, hell, Robot Pimp shit

and Money Fat Boy done fell out.

This some bullshit here.
I got to get off this train.

Black Dynamite!

Yeah.

SUN TSU:
Sun, when capability is diminished,

overlook not any resource,

even the aid of
a despised white rival...

when you have the flu.

Sun Tzu, you
got me going to the pigs.

I sure hope
your ancient wisdom knows

what the hell
it's talking about.

Normally, I would never come
to no cracker cop

for his honky help,
but the proverbial shit

has literally
hit the actual fan.

Sorry, Black Dynamite.

It's kind of hard
paying attention to you

and playing pong
at the same time.

It is really, really good.

LEROY VAN NUYS:
You will be meeting horrific death

at the edge of Snake Canyon.

Attention,
Player's Ball Express.

Do you read me, Player's Ball?

This is Player's Ball Express.

Identify yourself, sucker!
Over.

- Who the hell is this?
- I asked you first.

Now answer my question,
then say, "over"

when you done
speaking, motherfucker.

Over.

This is Black Dynamite,
the man who's gonna

fuck up your hijacking plan.

Now, who the fuck are you?

You didn't say, "over."
Over.

Over, goddamn it, over!

This is Leroy Van Nuys,

the coldest cat to ever call
himself a pimp.

And right now, I got the game
in a headlock,

and I ain't lettin' go,

even if the motherfucker
taps out.

And the police ain't gonna do
nothing to stop me! Over.

He's right, Black Dynamite.

We're not gonna do nothing
to stop him.

Sun Tzu said,
"confront the enemy

using the element of surprise.

Use any necessary means,

or, more specifically,
take the pigs' helicopter."

Ping-pong ain't got shit on me!

Sun Tzu, I like the way
you thinking...

when I have the flu.

Now, if we're gonna get
on that train

and save the game and my crew
from total devastation,

there's one thing I'ma need
to do first.

Ain't no way I'm showing up
to a Player's Ball

in a bathrobe,

even if it is to save
everybody's life.

Sun Tzu said,
"it is better to look good

than to feel good...

when you have the flu."

I may look like a million,
but I still feel like hell.

I'm gonna need a extra
handkerchief with this getup,

and I'm gonna need a co-pilot.

Now, what do you say, Sun Tzu?

Comme ci or comme ça?

Sun Tzu said, "is a pig's
pussy pork?"

All pussy is pork to me,

and Black Dynamite don't
eat no swine.

Too close to the behind.

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪

LEROY VAN NUYS:
Black Dynamite, is that you?

Yes. Over.

Since you made the effort
and showed up in person,

I guess I won't hold you
to no C.B. etiquette no more.

I didn't get dressed up
in these fuck-you you threads,

steal a police chopper,
and fly all the way over here

to discuss no damn C.B.
etiquette, and you know this!

Oh, you came to talk to me
about these so-called pimps?

You know what the best thing
is about a pimp?

There's so many ways to serve
these motherfuckers up, man!

Pimps are the fruits
of the streets!

Why did you waste all this
perfectly good pimping,

Leroy Van Nuys?

That just ain't cool, Jack.

I don't know what the fuck
you is, Black Dynamite,

but I'll tell you what you ain't...
A stone-cold pimp!

My stone-cold pimpin'
ain't on trial,

you platinum-headed freaky deek!

[ Crashing ]

LEROY VAN NUYS:
Attention, Player's Ball Express.

That crunching sound
you just heard

accompanied by those
bumps you just felt

was the death of your
only hope...

because the Player's Ball Express

just pulled a train on
Black Dynamite.

[all gasp ]

And ain't nobody got
shit to say?

Well, choo motherfuckin' choo,
then.

See, I told you!
We're all gonna die!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪

- Sun Tzu said...
- Not now, Sun Tzu.

Black Dynamite's got to focus

on getting his ass up
from under this train,

or you and me both
gonna be ancient history.

[ Door opens ]
A party just ain't a party

without the tangy zip
of Black Dynamite.

Black Dynamite, you're alive!
But you look like shit.

Have you taken your medicine?

I thought I told you
Black Dynamite don't believe

in no Western medicine.

Now I think I'm gonna have to...
fall on my face.

[ Grunts ]

Black Dynamite lives?

Destroy him, my Isaacs!

Sun Tzu said,
"sometimes ancient books

with profound sayings
just don't cut it...

when you have the flu."

So, what are you saying,
Sun Tzu?

And what do you mean?

Take some goddamn
medicine already

so you won't have the flu!

[ Crash ]

Ah fuck it.

[ Shouts ]

Huh?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Then it all ends here,
where it all began...

My own bloodstream.

It's time to fight this flu
to the death,

once and for all.
Over!

You flu motherfuckers knew
about red blood cells

and white blood cells,

but y'all ain't ready
for these black blood cells!

Suey!

Suey! Suey!

Suey!

Suey!

Sueeey!

[ Train horn blows ]

I told you my stone-cold pimpin'
wasn't in question!

You're crazy, man!
Let me go!

Take the motherfucking
controller!

This pimp enough, you jive-ass,

cavity-creep, stuffy-head,
fever,

so-you-can-rest motherfucker!

Put a pimp down, man.
You know I'm handicap!

N-o-o-o-o!

[ Crashing ]

Sun Tzu! Sun Tzu!
Where the fuck are you?!

I did it!
I killed the flu...

when I had the flu!
[ groans ]

[ Thud ]

Tasty Freeze? What are
you doin' in my blood stream?

We're not inside your blood
stream, Black Dynamite.

You're on the Player's Ball
Express,

and you just killed
Leroy Van Nuys.

Great outfit, by the way.

Not to sound
like a whole asshole,

but Van Nuys was
holding the remote

to this whole damn train
that is now out of control!

HONEY BEE:
Oh shit, Black Dynamite.

That sign just said that
the tracks are about to end!

We're headed for that ravine,

and there ain't no way
to slow us down!

Then the only thing we can do
is speed this train up!

Quick, what are diamonds
before they are diamonds?

Carbon.

Which is close enough
to coal for me.

Everybody throw your ice
into that furnace.

What? Would you rather die?

Damn it, would you let
a pimp think?

Not my diamond bolo tie!

Damn. That's not enough!
We need more diamonds!

Let's throw Icey Ice in there!
His ass wanted to be cremated!

[ Train horn blows ]

Sue-e-e-y!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪

Whew!
Man, I feel great.

Now, who wants
to go back to my pad

for the Player's Ball
after party?

[ Vomits ]

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪

[ Echoing ]
Y'all thought I was dead.

[ laughs evilly ]