Black Dynamite (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - A Crisis for Christmas or The Dark Side of the Dark Side of the Moon - full transcript

♪ He's Dynamite ♪

♪ So dynamite ♪

♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪

♪ Ooohhh ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ He's Dynamite ♪

♪ Dy-no, dy-no ♪

♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪

♪ Oooohhhh ♪

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪

This week...



Bitch, get your hands off my sack.

I got to deliver to Santa,
and I'll be right back.

Special delivery Bullhorn is the name,

and laying pipe across the
whole North Pole is my game.

Ain't no letters worse than the
ones that come from orpheens.

Their stories break your heart
and make you want to shoot that

morphine.

"All I want for Christmas is
some parents with no arms

and no legs so they can never
shoot smack and run away.

Little Orphan Penny."

But this year, not only
have these orpheens lost

their holiday excite,
they also lost their

like for their sole legal
guardian, Black Dynamite!

♪ Check them hos,
but keep them jolly ♪



♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ It's Christmas,
so don't choke nobody ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ No, we don't do gay apparel ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Hell, no, no ♪

♪ Uh, can't think of shit
that rhymes with apparel ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

All right, who wants to help

Black Dynamite spruce
up this Douglas fir?

I'm starting to get the feeling
that me and that cricket are the

only ones with
any Christmas spirit.

What gives?

It ain't Christmas,
Black Dynamite.

It's you.

Me?

I've been giving these
children the Christmas of

their miserable, little lives.

Do you mean like yesterday,
when you took them to see Santa?

Ho, ho, ho.

What do you want for Christmas?

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Little motherless Penny ain't
no ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus!

She's a goddamn orphan!

Now say it!

Least I apologized.

I think you might
be missing the point.

The point is I spent the
rest of the day doing what

they wanted to do.

Snowball fi-i-i-ght!

Suey! Suey! Suey!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Black Dyna... mite,
you... ain't shit.

I gave him some ice for his
little ruptured spleen and

broken pelvis.

That shit was in the
spirit of seasonal fun,

which brings to mind the amazing
job of decorating we did!

Now, little orphan Arnold,
plug it in!

See right here...

This is what Christmas
is all about!

This is not what
Christmas is all abo-o-ut!

Hmm, you're saying
all the time, care,

and effort I put into Christmas
was really just a selfish ego

trip in which I tried
to project some fantasy

of a happy childhood
I never had?

Mm-hmm.

Damn.

Self-awareness is a cold mother.

I know this ain't gonna
be fair on y'all,

but here goes.

Scram, I say! Scram!

Split the scene, you turkeys!

Get out of my Christmas!

Girl, don't worry.

He gonna see us in
a few minutes.

I'll see y'all in a few minutes.

Told you.

Black Dynamite, I'm gonna give
it to you straight with no

shit in a crock.

You might cop hos by the flock,
but sometimes you ain't the most

likeable motherfucker
on the block.

Hey, man, you
can't help it if you just unlikeable, B.D.

You got to blame that
on Mama and your Daddy.

If I can't even get them
to like me on Christmas,

then what's the point of
feeding and sheltering and

putting clothes on these little

motherfuckers in the
first place?

Speaking of little motherfuckers,
little orphan Arnold,

if you could have anything
in the world for Christmas,

what would it be?

Little orphan Arnold, I don't
know what the fuck this is.

It's O.J. Simpson.

Haven't you heard?

He's going to the
moon on Christmas.

What you talking about,
little orphan Arnold?

We love him more than
anything in the world.

And if you was anything like
O.J., we would love you, too.

Man, O.J. will be the biggest,
blackest monolith in outer space

since Stanley Kubrick
made "2001" in 1968.

He's that great.

Bullhorn, now, don't tell me
you all on O.J.'s rocket, too.

Black Dynamite, I ain't
bone-jacking The Juice or

fag hagging at all,
but this feeling in my balls

tells me you got a heavy
history with old Orenthal.

Well, Bullhorn, now that you
dragged the shit out of me

that I didn't want dragged out,

I might as well take
it out all the way.

You see, me and O.J. Simpson
grew up together in our

children hood back when
I was a children.

The truth is I had likability
issues even back then.

10-year-old Black Dynamite,

please spell "White"
and use it in a sentence.

"White"...

H-o-n-k-y...
"White."

"The man is a honky devil"...

"White."

No, I'm sorry.

That is incorrect,
Black Dynamite.

True, but incorrect.

Orenthal James.

"White"... W-H-I-T-E...

"White."

"I would love to be
an honorary white"...

A "White ."

When it came to O.J.,
on the other hand,

everybody liked him...

White people,
caucasians, honkeys,

crackers, snowflakes...
You name it.

Truth is if it wasn't for me,

he could have never
pranced his way

to victory time and time again.

Ohh!

Oh, there it is! Touchdown!

Where the white women at?!

But even though he
wouldn't even exist if

it wasn't for the man
behind the man...

A.K.A. me...

Black Dynamite...
All anybody ever cared about was

O.J. Simpson...
A.K.A. him...

Number 32, "The Juice."

Wow!

You know O.J.?!

Correction...

O.J. Simpson knows
Black Dynamite.

Can you get O.J. Simpson to
bring us back some moon rocks

for Christmas?

Moon rocks?

Now, what kind of dumb-ass...

Please, please, please,
please, please, please!

All right, all right.

Since you little orphans are
getting all wet in the underoos

over O.J. Simpson
going to the moon,

I will get O.J. to bring you orphans
back a moon rock for Christmas.

Now, who is the most likeable
motherfucker that ever lived?!

O.J.! O.J.! O.J!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Now, O.J., there's no need to worry,

but if you secure your
helmet incorrectly,

you may experience
a major malfunction.

Damn!

O.J. Orenthal

motherfuckin' Simpson.

Black Dynamite!

What's happening, man?!

I always said you'd go to
the moon for the white man,

but I never thought you'd go
to the moon for the white man.

Well, B.D., I've already
broken several NFL records,

had a pretty decent
part in "Roots,"

and my name is damn near
synonymous with a very lucrative

and popular rent-a-car industry.

I've pretty much
conquered the Earth.

So I guess the moon was just
the next logical step for me.

But I'm surprised to
see you here, bro.

Me too.

But don't get the wrong idea.

I ain't here to congratulate
you or no shit like that.

I'm here because these
motherless and fatherless

orphans want a damn moon
rock for Christmas.

Dumb shit I know, but
since you was going that way,

I think you might be
able to help me out.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you come with me,
Black Dynamite?

What you talking about,
O.J. Simpson?

You and me could be the first
black men on the moon...

Together!

Hmm. Now, Black Dynamite don't
normally go to the moon

because of O.J. Simpson
asking him to,

but since this seems like a
coincidence or opportunity to

accomplish the unrealistic goal of
getting moon rocks for Christmas,

and I'm trying
to be more likeable,

Black Dynamite says okay, O.J.

In a surprising last-minute
move, M.A.S.A. has announced

that the very likeable and
universally appealing

O.J. Simpson will be joined by
the much more controversial and

far less likeable black
revolutionary vigilante pimp

antihero Black Dynamite.

And, yes, folks,
that is his government.

If you time the staging
of our rocket improperly,

you may experience
a major malfunction.

Aah! Uh!

Suey! Suey!

If you miss your re-entry
trajectory,

your capsule may experience
a major malfunction!

[ Gasps I

This is gonna be one little,
Biddy, small step

for Black Dynamite,

and one giant leap for
the rest of you turkeys.

And it looks like mission
control is ready to begin

counting down.

And we are a go for launch.

T-minus 10...

9..8..7...

I don't know if you realize
this, Black Dynamite,

but being O.J. Simpson
is a lot of pressure, man.

White folks expect so
much from you.

You keep trying to outdo
yourself,

and you keep
smiling 'cause, well,

that's what a hero
is supposed to do.

But to be honest, man,
I'm tired of being a puppet

for these white folks.

The last few weeks working with
you made me realize something.

I got to be true to myself, man.

Thank you, Black Dynamite.

You know, O.J.,
I resented you for a long time,

but now I'm seeing
you different.

For the first time I'm actually
starting to like you, O.J.

O.J.?

What the...

Now who's going to the
moon for the white man?

Good luck finding
those rocks, sucker!

Ignition!

O.J. Simpson,
you jive-ass motherfucker!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Now Black
Dynamite is literally out of sight!

O.J. Simpson,

if you think Black Dynamite
can't put his foot in your ass

from the moon, you better
not think it again!

Now, what kind of spacely
sprocket bull snot is this here?

Calm down,
Black Astronaut Dynamite.

This is a simple science
mission from M.A.S.A.

Everything will be just fine,
as long as there isn't a major malfunction.

What the hell is this?

Hey, man, your red light is on!

I said your red light is on,
man/!

Don't worry,
Black Astronaut Dynamite.

M.A.S.A.'s designed a special
program to translate technical

jargon to... you people...

of... your kind.

Your rocket wiring is getting
hotter than a motherfucker and your

heat shield ain't worth
two damns, neither.

What the hell do you mean,

stereotypical
black-jargon light?

And what are you saying?

Say, man, if I was you,
I'd get the hell up out

this rocket, man.

Goonie-goo-goo!

Now, that's a fire!

Is it normal
for a rocket ship to be on fire like that?

I mean, I watch a lot of movies.

That usually means that
somebody about to die.

Look, Black Astronaut Dynamite,

M.A.S.A. appreciates
your sacrifice.

Sincerely, he does.

Man, you better sincerely get

Black Dynamite's ass out
of this damn rocket!

Aw, your shit's about to
blow up in 7... 6..5...

aw, damn, I counted wrong.

Oh, Lord, I'm fainting.

Oh!

Aah!

Black Astronaut Dynamite.

Come in,
Black Astronaut Dynamite!

Ohh!

Don't you die on me!

Well, that's all
M.A.S.A. can do.

Who's up for some Roscoe's?

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

'Twas the night
before Christmas,

and all through the place,
there were no bitches in bed

nor honkeys being chased

because Black Dynamite's
ass was lost in space.

Space, space...

Today on this wonderful
snow-white Christmas eve,

our nation mourns
another almost-was that

could have been,
but was never meant to be.

Good night, sweet Dynamite.

Your blackness will
never be forgotten.

Lord, no!

Jesus, Lord, why him?!

You could have took
anybody but him ...or me.

Does this mean we're
not getting moon rocks?

You!

Y'all did this!

You killed Black Dynamite with
your moon rocks and your dreams

and your hopes for
a better future!

And now he's dead!

Right before Christmas!

I-I'm sorry.

I guess I went too far.

It's a stressful
time of the year.

I mean, y'all burnt the turkey.

Uh, Black Dynamite's burnt up.

Let's deck the halls, fuck it.

Man, I ain't never
done no crying.

I ain't lying.

Are you okay, Bullhorn?

I guess the shock and
disbelief will stick with me

for a while because getting
killed in the line of duty

just wasn't
Black Dynamite's style.

I know.

But for the sake of those whores
and those orphans in that there

Whorephanage and for Black
Dynamite up in heaven,

we're gonna have to pull
together to honor his big,

black memory and make this
the best Christmas ever.

Now, how the hell are we
supposed to do that?

It's O.J. Simpson!

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Who's O.J.?

My name is Santa Simpson!

It's like big Black Dynamite
is looking down and

giving us a big,
black blessing from above.

Say, man, there goes an
abandoned Soviet space station.

If I was you,
/'d get on the motherfucker.

Look, monkey!

Black Dynamite ain't never
fucked up no space chimp at

zero G's before, but I'm
trying to be more likeable,

so I'm offering a truce.

Now, are there a barrel of you
motherfuckers or are you the only one?

Just like I thought.

You a monkey all alone up in
space with no monkey pussy

or nothing.

And now you done lost
your monkey mind, huh?

Somehow I feel like
I know the feeling,

but I don't.

How'd you get up here, anyway?

So your brother monkey
and your monkey

government abandoned you to die

and spend the holidays
all alone, too, huh?

Well, I need to contact
those space honkeys

at M.A.S.A. so
they can get your

monkey ass and my
man ass up out of here.

O.J. Simpson, hero of the doomed
moon mission,

who somehow miraculously
survived the explosion,

visits the Whorephanage
of deceased space martyr

Black Dynamite to
give comfort to his friends,

orphans, and whores.

I just want these orphans
to have a real Christmas,

even if I have to step into
Black Dynamite's shoes and

do what he is tragically
unable to do now,

nor at anytime in the future.

Is it any wonder why O.J.
Simpson is the most likeable

and therefore the most
respected black man in American

history now?

And I'm willing to
predict forever.

Walter Cronkite, mark my words,
there will come a day when

America no longer
likes O.J. Simpson.

You can mark my words.

What's that, boy?

You know how to get to the moon?

And it has the
rocks I need on it?

Well, that's amazing, monkey,
'cause you didn't even know I

needed any rocks.

Well, where is this moon, and
show me where I can find it.

Come on, monkey!

It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas!

All I know, monkey,
is if they all

out of moon rocks,
I'm gonna be pissed.

Can you dig it?

Amazon bitches on the moon.

Ain't that some shit.

Silence, black muscle man!

Look, I'm only here to collect
moon rocks for Christmas,

then I'll be on my way.

Likely story!

Just like a man to come to the
moon in order to infiltrate our

base, find our secret weapon and
interrupt my evil master plan

to destroy the Earth
at the last minute!

I would ask how you
amazon bitches got here,

but I ain't got the time.

I got to get back to Earth with
these moon rocks for Christmas

before there ain't no Christmas.

Oh, go ahead and go back to
Earth, Black Dynamite.

You'll get there just in time
...to see it destroyed!

Now, that's some real
bitch shit literally.

Try and stop us, Black Dynamite.

Now, beating up on amazon moon
bitches ain't Black Dynamite's

style and would make me very
unlikeable as a character,

but my Soviet monkey friend
here ain't as evolved as me.

Oh, you done fucked with
the wrong bitch, monkey!

Now how am I supposed to get
back to Earth in time

for Christmas?

All these moon rocks and not a
goddamn orphan to give them to!

Monkey, I was wrong.

This ain't looking
nothing like Christmas.

Fuck you,
O.J. Simpso-o-o-n!

Hos, hos, and more hos!

Merry Christmas, sucker!

Black Santa Claus?

What the fuck are
you doing on the moon?

Amazon moon bitches got
children, too, Black Dynamite.

Shit.

Santa, you got room on that
sleigh for Black Dynamite,

a Soviet Russian monkey friend,

and a flock of amazon
moon-bitch orphans?

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

♪ We'll be... ♪

We really do appreciate
all you've done for us,

O.J. Simpson, especially in
the light of our recent and

ongoing tragedy.

You are one righteous dude.

That's what they say...
Nobody's more righteous

than The Juice.

Good old O J...

Orenthal motherfuckin' Simpson.

O.J., you all right?

You know, Black Dynamite did
always say that I would go to

the moon for the white man,
and he was right.

I would have.

But that was the old O.J.

The new O.J. says fuck the
white man, the moon,

and his mama!

O.J., you better be
careful with that knife,

or one day you might write a
book about how you allegedly

took some white bitch's life.

Shut the fuck up!

O.J., you scaring us.

Oh, what's wrong,
little orphan Arnold?

You not a white woman.

You ain't got nothing
to worry about.

Whoo-hoo!

Black Dynamite!

Man, please tell me
this ain't no jive!

Black Dynamite made it
back from the moon alive!

O.J.
Uh, merry Christmas, Black Dynamite.

Huh?

Ohh!

Ha ha!

I threw that rock
before I left the moon!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

You know, Black Dynamite,
while you were gone,

we had a lot of time
to think about things.

We learned to just be happy with
who we are and what we got.

Like you always told us...

A ho mama is
better than no mama.

And a less likeable Black
Dynamite is better than no

Black Dynamite at all.

Less likeable my ass!

I just went to the
moon for y'all kids!

The moon!

I'm flushing these moon rocks
down the toilet,

you bunch of ungrateful,
non-appreciative,

no-good mother...

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Black Dynamite may not
be jolly like old Saint Nick,

but he's the one you call
when you need somebody's

ass kicked in the dick.

Well, Santa helper hos,
let's get our asses in flight.

A merry Christmas to all,
and to all a Black...

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪